Memorandum

To: Toby Wray

From: Hallie Parsons
Date: 31 August, 2020

This memo contains the finished analysis of the nonfiction essay of mine that you requested. My
findings about the use of conciseness, precision, and directness are presented in the sections that
follow. The analysis of my grammatical errors and style choices are shown below as well.

Be concise. To be concise means that every word in a sentence is needed to meet audience needs
and the writer’s purpose.

Unnecessary repetition. I couldn’t find many instances where I repeated certain phrases
or words accidentally. Here is the one I found.

Ex: The kitchen often smelled of warm milk and cinnamon, as milk was a favorite
drink of my brother and I.

I could remove the word “milk” the second time, as it has already been established that
milk is the drink I was talking about.

Lard. Lard is when you pad your prose with unnecessary words that do not contribute to
meaning.

In this specific essay, I couldn’t find any glaring examples of lard. Every word I chose
was placed carefully and meaningfully, and it was obvious I was not trying to meet a
word or page count. In other essays of mine, especially in scientific studies papers such
as biology, this might be something I have to look out for.

Dead phrases. Dead phrases are ones that often sound pompous and contribute no real
substance to your essay, such as “as a matter of fact” or “ it goes without saying” etc.

This essay was a narrative, not scientific, so I had no real reason to use phrases such as
the ones above, and so I could not find any solid examples of dead phrases.

Despite the one word repetition, I think that overall, the prose in this essay was very concise and
to the point. I found little to no repetition, redundant words, or dead phrases. I covered an
expanse of information, from my childhood to my first semester of college, in as little as five
pages. I searched for lard in my sentences and didn’t find any filler or fluff that didn’t add to the
story. I think that if I had cut anything out of the sentences in this piece, it would have been
incomplete and not have delivered the message I wanted it to.

Be precise. To be precise means to be exact and accurate based on the needs of the audience.
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Good level or precision. The descriptions I used paint a picture of my hometown in a

way that people who had never been can picture it, and fellow Boiseans know exactly
what I am speaking of.

Ex 1: It lives up to its name, oaks and pines line every street, and if you ever
venture to an overlook, all you can see is an expanse of green, orange and yellow.

Whether you are from Boise or have never stepped a foot in it, you can picture the rolling
expanse of trees that I grew up in.

Ex 2: I wasn’t thinking about how I would miss the yellow paint, the dog down
the road, or Linda, who would give me a piece of chocolate every time I skated
past her door.

I think that this excerpt shows how the level of description in my prose draws the reader
in and creates a relatable feeling. Without the precision of language my essay wouldn’t
have been as effective as it is.

The precision in this essay, in my opinion, was very effective throughout. I was specific enough
in my descriptions to give the story life, but not too descriptive that it seems unnecessary. The
audience, who was my freshman english 102 class, would fully be able to comprehend what I
was explaining with the terminology I used.

Be direct. To be direct means to be straightforward in your prose.

Passive verbs. Passive verbs cannot convey action, only a state of being. There were a
few instances in which my verb choice could have been improved upon and made more
active.

Ex 1: I was raised in a yellow house on Paint Street

A better choice would be to replace the passive verb with an active one. “Raised in a
yellow house on Paint Street, I lived only a few hundred feet from a playground I
adored.”

Ex 2: I was a fiery child.

To make this sentence more interesting, I should say, “I challenged my parents as a fiery
child.”

Ex 3: My brother was raised in Maryland, and for some reason my parents were
drawn to Boise to have me.

This is also an easy fix, by instead saying “Raising my brother in Maryland only lasted
two years, and for some reason my parents migrated to Boise.”
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I found examples of things I could fix within the directness category. I tend to use passive verbs
here and there. I was confused at first by what was or wasn't considered passive voice, but the
“by zombies” test helped me realize my writing voice was rarely, if ever, passive. Even within
this one essay, I witnessed my active voice grow and become stronger as I became more
confident in where the essay was heading. I will definitely have something to work on in future
writings as far as active verbs are concerned. I didn’t know that using is/are/was is considered
passive so that is something I will have to improve upon.

Grammatical errors. Grammatical errors are when grammar laws are broken in faulty,
unconventional, or controversial ways. I only found one or two errors in my grammar as I’ve
been taught through my schooling to be very rigid about these rules.

Comma splice. A comma splice is when two complete sentences are connected with a
comma. I didn’t make this mistake often but I noticed one right off the bat.

Ex 1: It lives up to its name, oaks and pines line every street, and if you ever
venture to an overlook, all you can see is an expanse of green, orange and yellow.

To fix this error I must replace the comma after “name” with a period and capitalize the
O in oaks to make two complete sentences.

I couldn’t find too many grammar errors here, except the occasional comma splice when I would
go overboard and forget to punctuate a sentence correctly. Overall, my grammar was effective in
the essay. It was readable and didn’t cause the reader to stumble or be confused about the
message I was conveying. It came across as competent and correct.

Style choices. In this essay, I made a few style choices that I was unaware were actually style
choices, such as starting a sentence with “and” and using contractions. I did however avoid run-
on sentences, typos, and general grammatical errors.

Starting with and. I was always taught in school growing up that starting sentences with
and, but or because is simply incorrect, instead of a style choice.

Ex 1: But I cannot stand it anymore.

I tend to stay away from starting sentences this way, but sometimes it fits the style and
works well with what I want to say. Now that I know it’s technically not grammatically
incorrect, I might have less fear in writing in this manner.

Contractions. I use contractions often, but I also choose not to in certain circumstances.

Ex 1: I couldn’t be more grateful for the spontaneous choice.

I easily could have split this into “could not” but I chose not to in this instance.
 Project 1/Hallie Parsons 4

Ex 2: She is still doing it to this day, adding in new granite tabletops and taking
out walls.

An example of a time where I chose not to use a contraction, with “she is.”

Ex 3: Boise gave me access to all kinds of landscapes and beauty that I will
forever remember.

Another time where I kept the words separate instead of using a contraction. “I will”
could have easily been “I’ll” but sometimes I enjoy the sound of not using contraction
more than using them.

I liked learning about style choices and how you can choose what to use and when. I didn’t
realize that contractions and the way you start sentences are considered style choices. I think my
style choices worked very well in the context of the essay. I couldn’t find any noticeable
grammar errors such as run-on sentences, faulty sentence structure, or incorrect usage of words
or contractions.

Conclusion. Through analyzing my own essay, I realized that I do have weaknesses as well as
strengths in my writing. My biggest flaw I came across was my use of passive verbs. I didn’t
seem to have an issue using an active voice, but I found many examples of passive verbs in my
text which I will have to concentrate on fixing. I will continue to review my essays for passive
verbs and strive to improve upon that front.