Eric Won

SA6

Nov 24th, 2020

Feedback to peers:

Hey Brandon! 

I wanted to say what I liked about your podcast. The setting and the setup of this whole project

seemed very natural and genuine. Technology wise, the website and transcript you posted on

were very pleasing to the eye and was very user friendly. I think it was great how you guys

specifically identified the topic you'll be moving onto next to keep the listeners on track and

engaged. I liked how the podcast went back and forth, so it wasn't mostly one who was

interviewing the other. Rather, it was like a discussion between the two of you. Content wise, I

think it is great. The way you explained things is great in a way where it's easy for those non-

music students to understand the context of your topic. There isn't much I would change for

this ,besides minor improvements to your project. For example, I think that the podcast was a bit

dense and that some information given in the podcast could be cut to be more concise. When you

were discussing about grievances, I think that it would better to spend more time on how to

improve music rather than spending more time on the grievances since your main question is

why and how should improve the technology platforms used in today's music education. Other

than that, I think the use of evidence was great and relevant. I liked how you ended off with a

conclusion and wrap up of what you've discussed. 

Hey Manoj! 

I think the outline you have going right now is very on track. Though I don't know much about

astronomy , the route you’re going with your topic is very interesting. 

I'd have to say introduction and conclusion parts of a paper or project is the hardest part. 

You have a lot in your introduction going and that may make the reader feel overwhelmed and

confused on what it is you might be arguing for. Clearly stating your claim would help and

making concise revisions could also strengthen it. Though I do understand that a longer

introduction may be needed since not as many people might know about astronomy, so I think

what you have right now is still good! 

I think with the video being towards the end would be better off around the middle if you can

make that happen. 

I think that with the conclusion it's important to really wrap up what you say in your project

since the range of astronomy is huge readers who aren't as familiar with it would need a wrap up

of what was discussed. Also, I think the conclusion needs a restatement of thesis, so it's clear

what you advocate for. 

I think your rough draft is great right now though, best of luck on your final draft! 
Hey Madison!

I think your draft is super impressive. This really seems like an article I would find online. Your

style of writing was perfect in executing the engagement of readers. Like, I was engaged

throughout the whole draft. 

You state your main points very effectively and straightforward just like how an article does.

What I really like about your project is the fluidity and clarity of it. I think you did a fantastic job

of mimicking the feel an online article has. 

I think I would have to agree with Brandon that the article seems more informative than

argumentative. 

The information in your article is great, but I think focusing more on focusing on your argument

and counterarguments would make this article ideal. 

 Besides that, I think this was a great start! Best of luck on your final draft! 

Hey Milena! 

Just want to start off by saying that, other than perhaps a couple repetitive things that Brandon

has pointed out, the writing structure and fluidity of this draft was great. 

I know you said that the final draft will be longer, but I still wanted to point out some things. If

you have already planned on what I'm about to recommend, then just ignore this. 
I think that your paper was great. However, until the last part of the paper, I felt like it was a lot

of background info. I think putting more focus into your argument would make your draft a lot

better. Also considering the counterarguments of your thesis will strengthen your thesis. 

Elaboration from that last part would make the overall draft much better! 

Also, with the double spaces that Madison has mentioned, I think putting the text in a Word

document will catch all the double spaces as it will have a red squiggly line. 

Good luck on your final draft ! Project is looking really good! 

Hey Allison ! 

It was great reading through your rough draft! Your use of evidence is great and your structure of

this overall project is very fluid. Agreeing to Madison, I really enjoyed the journalism/article

mimic you were able to pull off. 

For elaboration on your evidence, I think that for the most part it was well talked about

specifically about the story of Mr. Carl. I think that you implemented that story into the

relevance of your points very well! Though with the other evidence, I think it would be better to

elaborate a bit more on them like how you did with that last part you did with the research from

Ute Kaden. 

However, I do want to point out that you did a fantastic job on analyzing the evidence. I just

think a bit more elaboration to show more relevance to your topic would further better your

project. 
Personally, I like to restate my thesis or state of side in the argument or conclusion you want to

give. So, my advice would be to clearly state what side you are advocating for.

Other than that, I think your project right now is really good! Good luck on editing and

revising!! 

Response to peers:

Hey Madison! 

Thank you for looking over my project. I just wanted to start off by saying thank you for that

correction. I didn't even realize that I typed an incoherent sentence. 

I'd have to agree you on the thesis point you gave me. I think that it's good to put my points in

order respective to the order I discuss about them. I'll make those changes.

Also, thank you for that feedback on my last sentence! I was a bit hesitant of putting that there

since it could be seen as a bit informal. Glad to hear that it was a nice addition to my conclusion. 

Finally, yes you are completely right. You need hanging indents, but I completely blanked on

that. At least this was only a rough draft. I'll make sure to take note and fix those as soon as

possible. 

Again, thank you for the feedback! 

Hey Brandon! 
Thank you for reading over my research paper and letting me know that the detail and clarity of

my essay was good. I usually don't know if I'm being clear enough or if my delivery is bad. It

was nice to know that so thanks! 

I do have to agree that I did get a bit repetitive with my argument that it shouldn't be encouraged.

Like the example you gave me, I'll try to mimic that to make my arguments and points less

repetitive and concise. 

With the thing about adding a quick statement at the end of my counterarguments, I was actually

planning on doing that after re-reading over my essay after submitting my draft. I agree that it is

a great piece to include as well since it does seem like I'm just arguing for the other side without

explaining why mine is better in my rebuttal. 

I'll make sure to make these changes, but thank you again for the feedback!! 
Reflection:

Overall, I feel decently confident in myself with the draft I have right now. So far, the

feedback I have received have been positive overall. With past research papers, I haven’t done

the best on my delivery, clarity, and detail since I usually had the sources carry my points.

However, the feedback I have been receiving says otherwise. I was a bit surprised, but at the

same time I did take more time on those three things I usually lacked in my papers with this

project. Feedback I have received mostly says that my level of detail is great and that my clarity

is great. Also, with my evidence, I usually find great sources but have a difficult time in citing

and relating it to my arguments. I put more focus on it during my composition of my rough draft

and the results showed my focus on my use of evidence. Feedbacks I received were stating how I

had good evidence and was able to use it well in my essay. Some problems I did have with my

research paper is that I got a bit repetitive. I was told that repetition shows my emphasis which is

good, but I had parts of my essay where I could have worded it more concisely. For my

counterargument paragraphs, feedback I got from my peers were that I made it seem like I was

arguing for the other side rather than considering and arguing that my argument is better. With

these feedbacks I have so far, I do not have any questions and know exactly what I need to revise

and improve on. When working on my final draft, I’ll try to keep in mind about concision of my

wordings. I’ll make sure to go back to my counterarguments and clearly state after each

counterargument why it isn’t enough to encourage remote-learning to be continued. I’ll also

work on continuing the fluidity of my paper when revising my rebuttal and counterargument

paragraphs.