I ran on the track today. My heart was pounding, I could barely breathe.

I
knew that when people looked at me they could see my flushed cheeks, that
bright hot red. I allowed myself to go in continuous circles anyways. It’s
familiar. It reminds me of elementary school days, holding my father’s hand at
the bus stop and garnering up tears so he would take me home before the
bus pulled up. It reminds me of high school days, and the daily
hyperventilating before stepping out my door and into the morning air,
counting my breaths. It reminds me of many bad things, none of which
compare to the freedom of running like I did today.

Running alone. The act of running is simply a victory of its own. A year ago
this simple act would only be found in my daydreams, today it’s the ultimate
freedom: battling barriers, proving others wrong and most importantly proving
to myself that I can enjoy the simplest parts of life that so many others get to
enjoy on a daily basis. But it took me twenty-one years to get to this point.

Before I gathered up the courage to admit something was wrong, before I

agreed to therapy and found out more about my anxiety and obsessive-
compulsive disorder, before I started taking anxiety medication, before all of
that… my body was a cage, kept tightly locked by my mind.

Some days were as simple as canceling plans with friends, other days meant
crying between classes and throwing up for hours before an exam. Many
days felt wasted, because I confined myself to my bed, paralyzed by fear. For
a while I tried convincing myself I was the same as everyone else, or just
overly sensitive. When people said they had anxiety I was sure it was just an
expression. As I got older I developed ways to deal with my anxiety, such as
making color coded lists for hours on end or spending my nights writing down
everything I needed to do to be “perfect”. But it didn’t work. Before I knew it I
was unable to find a job because of my fear, unable to make phone calls
without a panic attack, and eventually… unable to love anyone new in my life.
I was unable to love. It got to a point where I considered suicide, a personal
moment for me that I will never be able to forget.

Anxiety should not be taken lightly. Anxiety is not just something one gets
when they experience slight discomfort in new situations. Yes, to a point
anxiety is normal for every human being and it’s ultimately there to protect
you but for many it’s a chemical imbalance, it’s not so much “having anxiety”
as it is “living with anxiety.”

If you’re coping with anxiety I promise you it only takes a step to start a better
path. There’s nothing wrong with making that phone call, seeing that
therapist, embracing your flaws and learning to live with them, there’s nothing
wrong with needing medication for a while, or maybe your entire life. Just
take care of yourself. Take back control of life. If for anyone, do it for you.

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