In-Law Interference

Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine

Part I | Part II

Ask a Muslim couple to give

you a challenge in their relationship and many will say “family
interference.”  The stress that family and in-law interference brings
to a marriage can be so overwhelming that for some couples it can
lead to divorce.  In a recent study bySound Vision, it was found that
ten percent of divorces were a result of family interference. The
parent-child relationship, like the husband-wife relationship, is a
special bond that encounters challenges when the child moves into
a marital relationship, causing everyone to learn how to navigate
their new roles.  In order for couples to maintain healthy
relationships with their parents, while simultaneously nurturing their
own marriage, there needs to be communication and a clear
understanding of the changing relationships.

Parents and extended family are vital in that they provide the new
couple with stability and support.  However, if boundaries are not
clearly defined, it can overwhelm a couple and erode their marital
bond. The collectivist cultures many immigrant families come from
have begun to clash with the individualist society we live in and
many families are not able to find peaceful co-existence in their
newly formed families.  Discussions about problems with in-laws
and family interference in our community are met with two common
arguments: that “children” need to remember to obey their parents
and that parents just need to stop “meddling” and allow the new
couple space to grow and nurture the relationship. However, neither
of these arguments addresses the core issue that is causing in-laws
to interfere in today’s nuclear families.

Most immigrants, who arrived in the U.S., left behind villages and
generations of extended family. Starting a new life and beginning a
family in the U.S. has often occurred in isolation and without family
support.  The isolation immigrant parents often feel in the U.S. has
manifested into a desperate need to hold onto their nuclear family.
Immigrant parents left behind their siblings and parents and now
hold strong to the only “family” they have in the U.S. – their own
children.  Children may be seen as not only preserving a cultural
lineage but as an emotional bond that is lacking in the parents’
lives.  Therefore, the strong emotional attachment a parent feels to
their child may be difficult to let go of once their child gets married.

Feelings of insecurity and fear are what are causing many parents
to meddle in their children’s marriages.  Many parents have a fear of
losing their child when they get married and that they may no longer
be important in the child’s life.  Their behaviors are not necessarily
coming with malicious intent; rather the parent’s unconscious
feelings of insecurity drives them to interfere as they try to cope with
“losing” their child to a spouse.  In addition, parents of children who
are overly dependent on them for emotional or financial support may
have a harder time allowing their child to become independent
decision makers once they get married.  There are some subtle
signs in the early stages of the marriage where the parents may
position themselves to hold onto the relationship with their child. 
Parents may “test” their child’s loyalty to the family by making
demands, threats and even withholding support of the new couple.
Parents may also be critical of the spouse to see how their child will
react in order to determine where loyalties lie. Parents may be
insensitive to the couple’s need for physical and emotional privacy. 
They may give unsolicited advice and give their approval or
disapproval of all decisions the couple makes. All of these behaviors
may be seen by the parents as showing their care and concern,
however the new couple may see it as interference and may not
know its causes or how to deal appropriately with their parents.

Couples who are on the path toward marriage must have

conversations early on with their parents about the changing family
dynamics that will soon be taking place once the couple is married. 
Open communication with parents and in-laws is vital so that
parents can express their concerns and feelings about the marriage
as well as feel honored and respected in the family.  This is also an
opportunity for the couple to reassure their parents that they will
continue to respect them and that a space will always exists in their
life for them.  The change in the relationship between the parent and
child needs to be discussed, accepted, and ultimately welcomed as
the next stage in life. The new level of interaction between a married
couple and their respective parents will require a mature approach.

The Qur’an mandates that children always show kindness and

respect to their parents, yet it does not mandate obedience. This is
important to distinguish because many couples have a difficult time
drawing boundaries with parents out of a fear of “disobeying” them. 
Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (Glorified and Exalted is He) says, “And
your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to
parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age
[while] with you, say not to them [so much as] “uff,” and do not repel
them but speak to them a noble word.” (Qur’an, 17:23) Couples
should always listen respectfully to their parents’ views and advice,
but ultimately the couple must make decisions that are best for them
as a unit and not out of a sense of guilt.

Many cultures have maintained control over their family through

emotional manipulation and guilt veiled by the banner of Islamic
duty.  Obeying one’s parents has become the catch phrase remedy
for all difficulties rather than critically thinking about what Allah (swt)
is mandating.  This verse from the Qur’an is used repeatedly to
teach small children how they must always listen and obey their
parents and to never talk-back. Yet if we carefully look at the verse,
one notes the phrase “when parents reach old age” indicating that
the “child” is actually an adult interacting with an elderly parent.  It is
in these times, as adults, that we must especially show kindness
and respect to our parents when they are in old age and may be
experiencing loneliness. Similarly, famous hadith (sayings of the
Prophet ‫ )ﷺ‬are often invoked such as, “Jannah (Paradise
lies at the feet of your mother,” as well as the reminder from the
Prophet ‫ﷺ‬ (peace be upon him) of who to honor most: “your
mother” three times, then your father.  Muslims are repeatedly
mandated to be respectful and to show kindness to parents,
especially their mother.  Yet, no where do the Qur’anic verses
and hadith suggest that parents have control over their child’s life,
nor that children must obey their parents’ desires.  Numerous times
in the Qur’an we are reminded: “…and no bearer of burdens shall
be made to bear another’s burden…” (Qur;an, 6:
164, 17:15, 35:18, 39:7 and 53:38).  As adults, Muslims are
responsible for their own choices in life and even though they may
take advice and guidance from their parents, ultimately
accountability falls on the individual for the choices made in life.
This understanding is critical when young couples get married and
when spouses choose to “obey” their parents’ wishes or demands
out of guilt or Islamic deference rather than choose to do what is
best for the couple and their future.  These early choices and
patterns of behavior can have long lasting impacts on the marriage.
As a therapist, I have encountered numerous cases of couples with
marital problems because of allegiance to a parent trumping regard
for their own spouse.  The resulting resentment and hostility created
in the family is often not resolved and continues to fracture family
relationships.  Newly married couples have a fragile new
relationship to foster and new skills to develop as a married couple. 
When the pressure from in-laws and parents is excessive, a new
marriage will crumble under the stress and interference.  This can
be prevented only if couples take the time to establish boundaries
with their parents and effectively make the shift from a dependent
parent-child relationship to an interdependent marital relationship,
while at the same time showing kindness and respect to their own
parents.  The massive amount of change that takes place
interpersonally can be overwhelming and many couples are not
prepared for the new challenges.

There will always be meddling parents and couples will not be able
to change that reality.  However, by understanding the insecurities
often at the core of their meddling and by creating boundaries early
in the marriage, a couple can minimize the potential for conflict that
arises from in-laws who interfere.  When couples establish
boundaries on how they will interact with in-laws, they will develop
healthier relationships with their spouse as well as with their
parents.  The boundaries a couple can establish will be discussed in
part two of this article.

In-Law Interference
Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine

Part I | Part II
Marriage is the bringing together of two families. However, many
couples struggle with exactly how to mesh two families together

while maintainin g their

independence as a couple.  When a couple gets married, an
extended family is created as well as the beginnings of a new family
that the couple will create between the two of them.  With each
family comes its own values, and with every new couple a new,
often unique set of traditions and memories will also develop.  An
initial hurdle that couples are faced with is the role their in-laws will
play in their lives.  Couples must move from a dependent
relationship with parents to an interdependent relationship with their
spouse.  In order for this shift to happen, couples need to set
boundaries and limits with their parents in the early stages of the
marriage in order to eliminate interference.

Establishing clear boundaries is not easy and, like marriage, it can

require constant attention.  Even when boundaries are created,
families may not always want to abide by the boundaries, so
couples must learn to reinforce the boundaries they want and
negotiate new ones.  The process of creating a new family is
challenging for a new couple, but ultimately it brings the couple
closer together and it brings more peace to everyone’s lives. Before
marriage, couples need to negotiate the role they envision their in-
laws having in their lives.  Making assumptions that you have the
same vision will only lead to surprises and resentment. Setting
boundaries as a couple is a way to protect your marriage early on
and the communication it requires will insulate you from outside
problems creeping into the marriage. Boundaries that can be set
with in-laws include seeking advice, exchanging money, frequency
of visits, phone calls, vacations, raising children, and gossip.
Boundaries for every couple will be different and they will need to
choose what the most pressing matters are that need to be
addressed in their family.  Couples can resolve any issues that arise
by setting new limits or by simply adapting to the expectation.

Couples sometimes unknowingly place their parents in the middle of

their relationship by telling them everything or by running to them at
the first signs of problems in the marriage. A new couple needs to
depend on one another and to make decisions as a team.  This
requires that couples communicate with one another and if
disagreements ensue, they resolve them together rather than
bringing in their parents to “referee.”  This is especially vital at the
beginning of the marriage because it will solidify the unification of
the couple and encourage them to problem solve together as they
establish their own family. Couples should not share problems with
parents because most parents will generally take the side of their
child. Couples should clearly communicate with each other what
they will share with parents and what is best left between them. 
They should remain loyal to each other and remember that the
marital relationship must come first in each other’s lives as they
strive to create their own family.

Each spouse is responsible for protecting their spouse, even toward

their respective parents.  As the Qur’an describes: “…They are your
garments and you are their garments…” (2:187)  Like our clothing,
spouses must protect each other by not allowing anyone to speak ill
of their spouse.  This clearly demonstrates to the parents that the
couple is a unit that cannot be split. The couple should also make
clear to their respective parents that there are no secrets between
the couple, so whatever is said to one is free to be shared with the
other. Negative comments made about one’s spouse must not be
tolerated and parents must get the impression that their child’s
spouse will always be respected, even in his or her absence.  Even
if in the presence of in-laws, the spouse being attacked cannot be
left to defend himself or herself.  This is the role of the child of those
parents.  The person with the primary relationship to the parent
needs to make clear the boundaries and uphold them. Problems will
arise in the marriage if a spouse is pulled to side with their parents
against the spouse. The reverse is also true: spouses must never
degrade their in-laws to their spouses as this will cause a fracture to
develop where a spouse is caught in the middle between parents
and spouse. Couples must always remember to be gracious and
kind to their parents as they assert their independence as adults.

Newly married couples need space, both physically and emotionally,

to nurture their blossoming relationship. Unexpected visits by in-
laws may be intrusive to the couple so boundaries of when in-laws
will visit must be made clear early on in the marriage. How often
couples will visit the in-laws will also need to be discussed by the
couple.  This would include both how often and for how long so that
the couple is not overly burdened and so that all their free time is
not spent with in-laws.  In cases where in-laws live with the couple
in the same home, more specific boundaries will need to be set,
such as a particular time and place everyday that will exclusively be
for the couple to spend time together. Setting a limit that preserves
privacy for the couple also reinforces the importance of time spent
alone as a couple and allows intimacy to build between the couple.

Interference from in-laws can come in subtle ways which can

threaten the marital relationship.  Conflicts over money can arise
when in-laws lend money to a new couple with subtle expectations
attached, like visiting more often couched with reminders about the
help they’ve given.  Money could be a subtle way of controlling a
couple’s emerging autonomy.  Childrearing advice could be well
intentioned, but the couple as new parents is most vulnerable to
criticism and advice from in-laws.  Advice that makes the couple feel
incompetent is unproductive and it does not allow the couple to
determine how they want to raise their own children or build
confidence in their ability to raise a family. These subtle ways of
interfering can cause divisions in a marriage if boundaries are not
created by the couple and problems are not addressed immediately.

So how does a couple set boundaries with overly intrusive in-laws,

especially if one spouse does not think there is a problem?  This
conflict can only be resolved if the couple works to grow closer to
each other in their marriage.  One pathway to this is by developing
open communication and honesty with regard to the interference of
the in-laws. Only after gaining a spouse’s loyalty will the issue
become a priority over the interests of parents.  This can be very
difficult if the parents make their child feel guilty for doing so and
often a spouse does not have the courage to be assertive with their
own parents. In order to confront parents about destructive
behavior, the spouse must first recognize that the interference is not
“normal” behavior and can in fact be damaging. If someone has
been raised in a family that is controlling and manipulative,
manipulative behavior may have become normalized, making it very
difficult for the spouse to identify this behavior as destructive.  Once
a spouse is able to recognize that the interference is a problem and
threat to the marriage, the next step is to develop the courage to
confront their parents.  In some cases, this may only be possible
through counseling or education. A lack of assertiveness with
parents is a typical struggle most young Muslim men and women
encounter and it is even more difficult if the parents are controlling
and manipulative. Maintaining respect for problematic in-laws is
essential even though it will not be easy. Spouses should not
respond to hurtful words and actions in equally hurtful ways. Limiting
the influence of in-laws on the marriage and children is vital if the in-
laws are destructive to the marriage.
Boundaries are ways of preserving a family and those limits must be
decided upon by the couple. A new couple struggles to develop
loyalty and a new bond with one another and this can be easily
fractured if in-laws interfere aggressively.  In-laws who seek to have
healthy relationships with their adult children and their children’s
spouses will respect boundaries established by the couple and will
do everything they can to help the couple be independent.  The
adult relationship between parents and spouses will always evolve
and improve with time if family members are open and honest about
their feelings and expectations. Communicating and understanding
the roles everyone holds in the new family will bring peace to
families and help build the bonds that create new memories.