Text from my initial A comment or The changes I made How this change

WP Submission: question I received to what I initially impact my paper:

(from whom/where) wrote:
WP1: O’Brien, Tim. Julia: “In the work O’Brien, Tim. “The Instead of having two
“Speaking of cited, you only need Things They separate citations for
Courage”. The to cite the book Carried”. Mariner each chapter in the
Things They Carried, once.” Books, Houghton novel, I can combine
Mariner Books, 28 Mifflin Harcourt 28 them and have one
Mar. 1990, p.131- Mar. 1990, p. 131- citation for the book
148. 154. and the chapters
covered will be
indicated by the page
numbers.
WP1: Paragraph 1 Julia and Tess The main event that These additional
(classmate): The these chapters sentences give the
introduction feels circumvent is reader a bit more
abrupt and more Norman Bowker’s insight as to why the
detail can be added. suicide through the translation between
eyes of Bowker the genres was made
himself and O’Brien. and what the thesis
Yet, there are many revolves around.
different ways of
writing about or
reporting a suicide,
including personal
journals or official
government forms.
WP1: This is the Style and Action For the sake of The short phrase at
initial piece of (class reading): Write comparison, the the beginning of the
writing that will be clearly – beginning of initial piece of sentence explains
translated into a Law sentence should set writing, the novel, why the translations
Enforcement Suicide up the purpose of the will be translated into were made and
Incident Report rest of the sentence. a Law Enforcement reminds readers that
(LESIR) to Suicide Incident they will be reading
demonstrate how Report (LESIR) to about their
government forms, in demonstrate how similarities and
order to serve their government forms, in differences.
purpose and cater to order to serve their
their audience, purpose and cater to
sometimes their audience,
dehumanize sometimes
emotional dehumanize
experiences in an emotional
effort to produce data experiences in an
from them. effort to produce data
from them.
WP1: demostrate Google docs: spell Demonstrate Eliminating any
check (super embarrassing)
spelling errors will
make my paper more
professional and will
not deduct from my
credibility.
WP1: (O’Brien 1- Julia in lecture video: (O’Brien 233) Making sure that my
233) include the EXACT citations are correct
page number where helps me to follow
the quote is from in MLA guidelines.
your in-text citations.
WP1: While this Style and Action While this may seem Switching around
may seem like lots of (class reading): The like lots of some of the phrases
information, the form logic of the sentence information, the form in the sentence helps
itself (although heavy should be clear. itself is lacking in it be less confusing
worded) is lacking in substance even and flow better.
substance. though it is heavily
worded.
WP1: Paragraph 4 Julia: “you need to By including direct Including direct
add direct quotes quotes from the quotes help reinforce
from the text that letters that Bowker my argument and
demonstrate each of wrote, such as, “One give the readers an
these arguments and thing I hate-really example of what the
points of analysis” hate-is all those argument is
whiner vets. Guys specifically referring
sniveling about how to.
they didn’t get any
parades. Such
absolute crap. I mean
who in his right mind
wants a parade? Or
getting his back
clapped by a bunch of
patriotic idiots who
don’t know jack
 about what it feels
like to kill people or
get shot at or sleep in
the rain or watch your
buddy go down
underneath the mud?”
O’Brien allows the
readers to meet,
befriend, and live
with Bowker, and to
think, feel, and
connect with him.
WP1: Missing Common knowledge (O’Brien 150) Citing my sources
citation. to cite sources. throughout my paper
every time the source
is mentioned will
help me avoid
plagiarism. I added
about 3 in text
citations in total even
when paraphrasing.
WP1: The entire From me: the The entire interview Adding a semicolon
interview consisted of sentence gets consisted of four makes the reader take
four questions, one of confusing with both questions, one of a longer mental pause
which did not apply of the commas and which did not apply than a comma and
to Bowker’s needs more structure. to Bowker’s gives structure to the
situation, therefore it situation; therefore, it sentence. It also
was very short and was very short and makes it flow better.
did not have a lot of did not have a lot of
room for personal room for personal
details. details.
WP1: Paragraph 5 Julia: “you need to Similar to the rest, Giving a specific
add direct quotes one of the questions example of one of the
from the text that asked, “In your view, questions asked on
demonstrate each of what seemed to be the LESIR provides
these arguments and the evidence to my
points of analysis” event(s)/problem(s) argument.
that led to the
deceased’s death?”
and provided about
five lines for an
 answer which took
two whole chapters in
the original novel
(LESIR 10).
WP1: … and provide Emphasis (class …and provided about This change makes
5 lines to fit an reading): trim the end five lines for an the sentence less
accurate answer into and be concise. answer which took garbled and easier to
whereas the novel two whole chapters in read.
uses two chapters. the original novel.
WP1: The most Sentence structure. The most prominent Once again by using
prominent event that event that I wish a colon instead of a
I wish could have could have been comma, I can make
been mentioned in mentioned in the the reader pause for a
the report itself was report itself was the little bit longer. The
the event that led to event that led to colon tells the reader
Bowker’s suicide, Bowker’s suicide: the that what follows it is
which was the death death of his friend the subject of what is
of his friend and and fellow soldier being discussed.
fellow soldier Kiowa Kiowa which he
which he blamed blamed himself for.
himself for.
WP1: Bowker’s Emphasis (class Bowker’s personality It is impossible for
personality and reading): cut and characteristics. Bowker to have a
characteristics before unnecessary phrases personality after the
the incident. out. incident because the
incident was what
killed him. Therefore
specifying “before
the incident” is
unnecessary.
WP1: Last paragraph Julia: Your Certainly, it would be I tried to include a
conclusion does a beneficial to find a jumping off point in
better job than the middle ground the conclusion to
intro and really between the two, make the paper more
pushing your thesis. I such as a single of a conversation.
still think you can source that can not
push it even farther only contribute to the
though. collection of data, but
to an elaborate
summation of the
complicated roadmap
 that leads individuals
to suicide. This can
possibly help
determine what
precautions can be
taken to prevent
similar future events.
WP1: O’brien Spell check and O’Brien Helps me to cite my
capitalization. sources more
accurately.
WP2: the discussion Emphasis (class the discussion can go The word many
can go in many reading): cut out in many directions. already indicates that
different directions. unnecessary words. the directions are
different. This helps
me be more concise.
WP2: Whereas, the Julia: was talking Whereas the article… Removing the comma
article… about commas and also removes the
their rules. unnecessary pause in
the sentence and
helps it flow better.
WP2: pre existing Use words correctly preexisting This is evidence that I
need to make sure
that I am using words
correctly.
WP2: While this Julia: do not Having one piece of This helps my writing
may boost the contradict your work that is written in because although
objectivity of the thesis. lots of different there might be
article in making sure (This specific voices can be counterarguments
that it is not pushing sentence does just confusing. It leaves present, I need to
a certain agenda that) no room for make sure that I am
emotional not proposing them
involvement and it as evidence to my
can also make it seem own thesis. It would
very technical and not be logical.
detached.
WP2: Having many Julia: there is always Having many This contributes to
different authors can some type of bias different authors can my own credibility as
also act as a present in every piece also act as a a writer and gives my
preventative measure of writing. preventative measure paper a reality check.
for expressing any for expressing
form of bias excessive bias
WP2: like minded Spell check and Like-minded This change makes
hyphenation rules sure that I am using
words correctly.
WP2: Paragraph 8 Julia: It might be Having a small By adding this
stronger if you focus number of authors is additional text, I am
more on why the yet another able to be more
discipline of political convention of specific about my
science would want political papers. argument and why it
fewer authors Politics, unlike makes sense.
whereas the statistics science, operates
discipline would want more closely with
more. opinions. Political
beliefs take into
account ethics and
personal
philosophies. If there
are too many people
writing about the
same issue, there is
bound to be conflict
and a clash of
interpretations.
Therefore, it is more
efficient to have a
small number of
likeminded
professionals write
about their stance.
WP2: Conclusion – Julia and Ethan (from With conspiracies I am usually very
last paragraph peer review): for the and false information vague with my
“so what” part of the being widespread in conclusions. This
conclusion, broaden times of uncertainty, helps me be more
the topic to turn it it is important to clear with what I
into a conversation present the actuality mean when I discuss
and elaborate on your of the situation to as the importance of
jumping off point. many people as accessibility.
possible.
WP2: Paragraph 6 Julia: I'd like you to This specific styling This helps me
sum up your technique makes the elaborate on the “so
arguments in a little paper look more what” part of the
bit more detail. engaging and argument. Instead of
 versatile. It almost only presenting the
makes it look like it argument, I can also
would be a specify why this
newspaper rather than specific argument is
a peer reviewed important.
journal which people
are more accustomed
to reading.
WP2: which could Julia: Do not This sentence was Once again, I was
potentially provide contradict yourself! removed. trying to use a
the reader with counterargument to
confidence in the my thesis to prove
accuracy of the topics my thesis. Removing
being discussed this helps me to be
because they are more logical.
being examined from (Although I am
many different areas beginning to think
of focus. that maybe I should
have had a
counterargument
section in my paper)
WP2:  In this case, a Style and Action In this case, a This helps me be
political discussion (class reading): The political discussion more specific and
about 9/11 is more clearer you write, the about 9/11 is more clear about what I am
appealing and clearer you think. appealing and talking about when I
accessible than a accessible than a throw the word
psycho statistical one psycho statistical one “relatability” out
because of its specific because of its specific there without
discourse community, discourse community, specifying whom it is
relatability, jargon, relatability and relatable to.
and agenda. relevance to the
public, jargon, and
agenda.
WP2: In this case, a Emphasis (class In this case, a I decided to leave
political discussion reading): end the political discussion “agenda” out because
about 9/11 is more sentence with a about 9/11 is more not only is it a bit
appealing and strong point and try appealing and vague, bur I am also
accessible than a not to end a sentence accessible than a not too sure as to
psycho statistical one with words that carry psycho statistical one what I am referring to
because of its specific little meaning. because of its specific (good agenda/bad
discourse community, discourse community, agenda?). I did not
relatability and relatability and want the ending of
relevance to the relevance to the my sentence to be
public, jargon, and public, and jargon. unsure.
agenda.
WP2: Therefore Lecture video: what Accordingly, I deleted and replaced
is a word that you the word “therefore”
overuse? on many instances
because I use it way
too much. This helps
prevent my paper
from having too
much repetition of
the same word which
can be tiring.
WP2: It utilizes lots Emphasis (class It utilizes lots of The words numerical
of tables with lots of reading): Remove tables with lots of and quantitative are
numerical unnecessary words quantitative data almost identical. This
quantitative data and phrases. helps me avoid extra
words that cloud the
main idea of the
sentence.
WP2: This is a Julia: why would the This is a common This helps me
common convention scientific article have convention for elaborate on the point
for scientific peer more authors in scientific peer that I am trying to
reviewed journals. different fields. reviewed journals make by answering
because scientific or the question of “why”
statistical when presenting an
experiments are only argument.
valid if they are
replicable and
produce the same
results every time
with each field of
study supporting the
finding of the other.