In life, you may go from

  "I don't know, I just (dis)like it", to

  "I know I don't like it, but what's the point of me liking it anyway?", to

  "I am comfortable, so what's the point of going further". 

And I think that the latter is what most old people end up thinking (and, clearly,
not only them). 

But they do make a good point.

Seriously, why do anything (else)? 

It's easy not to do anything. You just sit there, and do nothing!

I'm 18. I don't really have insecurities (everyone has them- I mean that at least
I've been working on them for some good amount of time). I try to keep myself
healthy. I do daily workouts, I don't smoke (I had, but only for a summer, and quit
soon after), I rarely ever drink alcohol anymore, I read, I like to learn about
stuff (like just yesterday I got interested in the history of Japan), I practise two
musical instruments, I draw, I got into college with my own effort and motivation
(which is what kept me going so far), and I feel secure about my emotional health
(or do I?)

Then what? 'Cause the job will most likely follow...

Maybe that's the point of the family, right?

Start thinking about building that up, when you're ready (when you're in my
position, I suppose). Having someone to share the ordinary misery with, huh?

Yeah, I suppose that'd be nice. But then what?

Kids?
Ok
I'm 40. I have a family that me and my wife try to take care of, a job, and now a
kid or maybe two.

But first of all, how can you even plan for that? 

Dating? Like what are the chances of that happening?

People don't think about that when they're 20 (or younger). Or if they do, most of
them don't even think about themselves that much. I mean, they might want a
family, but they are nowhere near being mature enough to take care of it (mainly
because young people don't have sufficient and stable incomes). And neither do I. 

 But that's just money (that I can't take back) spent for a thing that will get you in
(meaningless) trouble 8/10 times. It's like spending money on E-girl juice. I don't
even wanna get into the listing of all that nonsensical trouble. That's where the
MGTOW people make a valid point. If I really wanted raw, meaningless sex, the
only thing that would stop me would be... Well, nothing would really stop me.
Only, perhaps, the fact that you can't really have meaningless sex, because, as it
is with most things, it has meaning.

 And also, why would I want to have meaningless sex, when I am in fact
looking for meaning?

People want to feel worthy, wanted. 

I know that, because I've been there too. Been into that game until I got tired of it. I
feel like that's mostly because you want to convince yourself to want you, to feel
like you are worth yourself.

Why? Because, well... it's meaningless. It's all an illusion for our unsatisfied ego.

But then my ego is overly saturated with illusions. And more importantly, with
weak illusions. Can see right through them. I guess this is the reason why I am
writing this now.

Maybe illusions are underrated?

Are illusions what gives us meaning?
Is meaning underrated, or are illusions not, actually, illusions?
I guess, most of these "illusions" are in fact a kind of stories. They're the stories we
tell ourselves, and the stories we tell others. 

This is my story, then. This is my illusion. 

Or... this is my "scope" (?) 

Aren't the stories (illusions) you build up, what gives life meaning?

Well then, what makes a story?

Certainly it needs to be told, to be a story, ey?

Some people want to share stories, and some want to listen to stories (obviously). 

But what makes a good story?

Well, good characters, and good narratives, I think.

What does "good" mean?

  Well, it might mean that you get to learn about how one could conquer his/her
world. Or maybe it might mean that you get to learn about how truth (or maybe
trust) is the best value that one could invest in. Truth is certainly a part of it...

But how does one tell his/her story?

Well, they could start by writing it down. That's how we figure out most things,
anyway. There's this program called "the self-authoring program" that basically
helps you guide yourself through your life (past->future). It gets you to write your
story down and LOOK at it. 

And maybe that's what I have to do. Maybe I just have to open up my bloody eyes
and LOOK at it, at my life.

And I look at it.

And I see no motivation. At least not anymore. No big target, and no fancy scope.

How does one find a big juicy target? How does one find the good (enough) scope?
When I would have that big target, I would have people telling me that I'm stupid
to aim at it. I wouldn't have people supporting me, well except for my parents (and
that, only at certain times, when I'd actually achieve something).

It only makes sense that I've been mostly alone, but have not felt lonely.

It was the blister in my skin, that I could scratch, knowing that it's just part of life's
tragedy.

Critique is good motivation, because it's a good story. And it's a good story,
because you get to learn that you can conquer your world. The moral is: you get to
be free, if you manage to discipline yourself.

But now I don't have people like that anymore. I don't have people telling me what
I can't do. Because I took the necessary steps to get myself away from that toxic
environment. But then is toxic really something negative?

I sometimes do get hit by them, but I am not bothered, because I achieved what
was to be achieved. No, no... sorry. Let me rewrite that.

 I am not bothered because I proved to myself that I can achieve whatever I train
myself to achieve.**

 And that was the whole point of people telling me that I cannot do this or that.
They'd tell me that it's too hard to discipline myself enough, and that I won't be
able to do it. 

But I have. And I will. I feel it in my bones every single day. 

But what's bigger than knowing that you can do anything?

How does a God get motivated?

An omnipotent creature. Or a creature that thinks it's omnipotent.

"Well, have you achieved... everything?"

No. 
And that's a stupid question.

I'm not even angry. It's seriously just a stupid question. First of all, you can't
achieve everything, and secondly, that was not even my point. YOU DON'T GET
IT YET.

I don't even want to achieve everything. It's so stupid to want that sort of thing...

My only and overwhelming desire was to prove to myself that "I can do anything,
if I really want it". 

I can, not have. That's my point.

But now "I can, but why?"

Why do?

"Because what else will you do?"

 That's not a sophisticated answer. It's not even an answer. It's a bloody question.

"What else will I do?"

 I will, what I am. I will write stories, I will rant. I will accumulate, then let go. I
will breathe, then I will suffocate. I will fly, and then I'll splash right back into the
world. I will become a God, and I'll use my power to turn myself into an insect,
only to then climb back up the ladder a second time. 

And that reminds me of something.

When I was little, I would ride my sleigh in the winter down the hills, and then
climb the mile back up (well it's not exactly a mile, but it sounds nice: "to climb
the mile").

 I would climb, so that I could ride it down. 

But why wouldn't I just lay in the snow, and do nothing? 

Well, because I had friends that wanted me to climb the mile with them.

Maybe that's why I like winter, ey?

If you'd ride the sleigh alone, I bet you'd also want to just stop and lay down in the
snow.

It's obvious why.

It's lame.