My teenager wants only an Apple phone.

We tried to explain that we can't afford it, and she stopped speaking
with us. What should we do?
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100+ Answers

Henry Kanemoto
, BA 1966 and MD 1971 from Stanford University
Updated May 15, 2019 · Author has 783 answers and 539.5K answer views
Originally Answered: My teenager wants only an Apple phone, we tried to explain that we can't afford it, she
stopped speaking with us. What should we do?

My answer will probably be lost amongst the multitude of answers to your question. But maybe it will be read
by someone and be of some value.
My view is that the problem with your teenager did not begin at the phone store. It began with the way you
raised your child to become an entitled teenager who believe that her possessions define who she is.
You asked, “What should WE do now,” which properly indicts BOTH you and your spouse as responsible for
your child’s behavior. The real questions should be, “WHY is my child like that and how can parents avoid
raising a child who has this distorted view of reality.”
You daughter was not born with a privileged attitude. She was born seeking your guidance. Parents teach their
children what is acceptable behavior. Parents teach their children that bad behavior will get them what they want.
Parents teach their children that if they act up enough, the parents will cave. I see it all the time. They first time
you cave, they have taken control. They are now driving the family bus and you are along for the ride.
Every parent leaves a parental legacy to their children. This legacy determines what kind of an adult they will
become and what legacy they will leave to your grandchildren. What I will discuss is the legacy I tried to leave
my children as to how they handled finances and their view of themselves.
I am a physician and could have provided my children with anything they asked for, but did not. Their mother
and I both were on full scholarships to Stanford. She was raised by a single parent. Her father died when she was
3. I was born in a Japanese relocation center during WWII and my parents lost their home and possessions.
We were both raised to believe that who we were and who we would become was more important than what we
had. I believe that how our parents raised us had much to do with why we both excelled in school and were
admitted to Stanford on scholarships.
My oldest child was born at the Stanford University Medical Center while I was an intern. My youngest was
born at the University of Utah Medical Center while I was a resident physician there.
My wife and I lived on a budget, as most interns and residents do; and when I became a staff physician and then
a partner in a medical practice, my income went up but the way we raised our children did not.
My children were taught at an early age that what defined them was not what they wore or what they owned, but
what they knew and WHO they were. They received praise for doing well in school, and praise for choosing
good friends with the same VALUES that we had. So in school and out of school, their friends were not
consumption driven.
You child’s friends are possibly more important than you in influencing your child’s behavior. Make sure that the
PARENTS of your children’s friends have the same value system you want your children to have. Then they will
be immersed in what you value, whether they are with you or with their friends.
I would bet a dime to dollar that your daughter’s friends also have the attitudes that your child has. She wants an
iPhone because they think it is a status symbol. And who allowed that to happen?
I made sure that all my children’s needs were met, but not all their wants. If they threw a tantrum in a store, we
removed them and we NEVER rewarded them. The result is that they never begged for anything in a store.
My wife and I were always on the same page, so our children could not play us against each other. If my child
asked for something, I would ask, “What did your mother say?” In our home, no meant NO; and yes, meant
YES.
Both my children had educational trust funds and both went to expensive universities. They were both on
budgets while they were getting their degrees. It took a semester to adjust the budget, but once we agreed with
our child on a budget, they did not overspend. What they saved during one semester could roll over to the next
semester so they could spend a bit more. That was another life lesson.
Whatever they didn’t spend on their education, they could use to begin their own journey. After they received
their undergraduate degrees, they were on their own. But they were on their own with four years experience on
how to manage money.
They have never asked us for money since they graduated because I taught them the future value of money
invested vs. the current value of money spent by showing them how their money in their trust grew when they
did not spend it. They could see how what I initially put into their trust grew during their youth into funds large
enough to pay for their education.
What had more value, several new Mercedes that would be long gone by the time they were in college or their
college educations? These are real-life decisions about whether to spend now or save for later.
My children knew what they had and what they would have if they deferred their desire to spend. Did they want
to spend $100 today for that new shiny object or have $200 later to spend on rent? Did they really want to go to
that “hot new” restaurant for a meal or have twice that money later?
Your daughter needs to understand that money saved on a less expensive phone, is money that will be available
later for more important purchases. These are real life decisions that my children had to make and your child will
have to make.
You owe it to your child to prepare them for the financial and social realities of life. If their value system is that
what they own or how they look defines them, they will never be satisfied. There will always be someone who is
wealthier and more attractive.
You need to have a very serious discussion with your daughter about what is really important in life and what is
window dressing.
If you want to read more about parental legacies and how you can influence your children, I suggest you read
this:
Family Legacies
You will also learn that just saying, “Do as I say and not as I do” will not work because your true nature and
behaviors will be passed onto your children. You can try to fool your children but you cannot fool your DNA.
There is a scientific reason that these legacies are passed on from generation to generation. These tendencies are
passed on by “epigenitics.” Your personal behavior and tendencies are coded into HOW your DNA is expressed
and this DNA expression is passed onto your children.
Epigenetics & Inheritance
Transgenerational epigenetic inheritance - Wikipedia
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afford-it-and-she-stopped-speaking-with-us-What-should-we-do