LAW AND

DISORDER
The Case of B.B. Wolf, the Stolen
Tarts, and Mass Confusion
By
Michael Wehrli
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 LAW AND DISORDER
THE CASE OF B.B. WOLF, THE STOLEN TARTS, AND MASS CONFUSION
By Michael Wehrli
Copyright © MMXVII by Michael Wehrli, All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-61588-399-8

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2 LAW AND DISORDER

LAW AND DISORDER

THE CASE OF B. B. WOLF, THE STOLEN TARTS, AND MASS CONFUSION
By Michael Wehrli

SYNOPSIS: Wonderland is having the trial of the century and everyone’s

invited! What’s at stake? The infamous B. B. Wolf has been accused of
destroying all three of the pigs' homes and dear old Granny of Red Riding
Hood fame is suspected of stealing the Queen of Hearts' tarts. Never has
such scandal rocked the world of Wonderland! From B. B Wolf's brother to
the three little pigs to a loquacious scientist, it's a mad and frantic search for
justice!

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CAST OF CHARACTERS
(5-8 females, 4-6 males, 6-11 either)

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CHESHIRE CAT (f/m) ................... A frisky, playful and mischievous cat.
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Trial judge. (100 lines)

MAD HATTER (m) ........................ Definitely a little crazy, but views life as
an
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one big joy ride. Loves being the bailiff.

(67 lines)
DOPEY (m) .................................... One of the seven dwarfs and now a
defense lawyer. A little slow, but bright
spirited and eager to please. (36 lines)
BASHFUL (m)................................ One of the seven dwarfs and now a
defense lawyer. Very shy, but has to rise
above it to do his new job. (42 lines)
RED RIDING HOOD (f) ................ Young and full of feistiness! The court’s
strong-willed and opinionated
prosecuting attorney. Loves her Granny,
but frequently butts heads with her.
Friends with Alice. (51 lines)
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 3

ALICE (f) ........................................ Impulsive young girl who doesn’t like

being told what to do. Friends with Red
Riding Hood and unexpectedly joins her
as a prosecuting attorney. (34 lines)
B.B. WOLF (f/m) ............................ Extremely gruff, bossy, and at times,
ferocious. Likes to hunt and eat animals.
(I mean, he’s a wolf, after all.) Close to
his/her brother, but considers him
clueless, though loyal. (39 lines)
BROTHER WOLF (m) ................... B. B. Wolf’s brother and friends secretly
with Granny. Tried to scare Red once by
impersonating Granny, which didn’t go

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together an outstanding legal team to
defend his brother. (59 lines)

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SCIENTIST (f/m) ........................... A brilliant scientist (or at least he thinks
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so) with the gift of gab. Throws around

complicated language with flair.
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GRANNY (f) .................................. A sweet but feisty little old lady. She is
secretly friends with the Queen of Hearts
and Brother Wolf. Her relationship with
Red is strained at times. (29 lines)
PIG 1 (f/m) ...................................... A very nervous and emotional pig. Has
been traumatized by the whole B. B.
Wolf incident. (20 lines)
PIG 2 (f/m) ...................................... The “life of the party” pig. (27 lines)
PIG 3 (f/m) ...................................... A pensive pig. Thoughtful, soft-spoken,
but direct and to the point. The oldest of
the siblings. (19 lines)
MOTHER PIG (f) ........................... A loud, strong, and protective pig. She
is absolutely incensed over the incident,
and will do whatever it takes to convict
B. B. Wolf. Fiercely protective of her
piglets. (35 lines)
QUEEN OF HEARTS (f) ............... Loves being the Queen! Loud,
demanding, and extremely impatient.
Secretly friends with Granny. (48 lines)
4 LAW AND DISORDER

ENSEMBLE CHARACTERS: (Optional Scenes listed in script.)

WHITE RABBIT (f/m).............. (3 lines)
BLIND MOUSE 1 (f/m) ............ (3 lines)
BLIND MOUSE 2 (f/m) ............ (3 lines)
BLIND MOUSE 3 (f/m) ............ (3 lines)
CINDERELLA (f) ..................... (3 lines)
PAPA BEAR (m)....................... (3 lines)
MAMA BEAR (f) ...................... (3 lines)
BABY BEAR (f/m) ................... (3 lines)
GOLDILOCKS (f) ..................... (3 lines)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN (m) ........ (3 lines)

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DURATION: 35-40 minutes.
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TIME: Any.
SETTING: In the middle of a fantasy forest.

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PRODUCTION NOTES
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Subdued lighting for the forest setting. Insert music of your choice, but it
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should be strange.

There should be a variety of moveable forest items for the cast to sit on, i.e.
rocks, stumps, logs, etc.

COSTUMES

Costuming should be extremely colorful and fanciful and reflect the

personality of the characters.

CHESHIRE CAT––She needs to be able to “disappear” and “appear”. This

can be done in a variety of ways. One fun idea is their costume has a smile
on the hood or their sleeves, and the actor simply pulls the sleeves or hood
over their face. When she does, she “disappears” and EVERYONE reacts as
if they can’t see her.
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 5

PROPS

Book (Mad Hatter)

Handkerchief (Mother)

AUTHOR’S NOTE

As with any farce, the actors should take their characters seriously. The trial
is a huge event in their world and the stakes are high.

PRIMIERE PRODUCTION

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LAW AND DISORDER was originally produced by New Moon Productions
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at the D.A. Grout School in Portland, OR.

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6 LAW AND DISORDER

AT RISE: In the blackout, strange music plays. Lights up slowly.

CHESHIRE CAT enters and pauses as she looks around carefully,
then speaks.

CHESHIRE: (Calls to offstage.) All right. I think this area will do

perrrrrrrfectly!

Pandemonium as EVERYONE (except RED, ALICE, B. B. WOLF,

BROTHER, and SCIENTIST) enters rushing and sets up the
courtroom. Some carry rocks, logs, stumps, etc. to sit on. Others just
wander around. EVERYONE is looking for the perfect place to sit.
The dialogue below happens as everyone is chaotically moving about

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as they set up. CHESHIRE CAT slowly “disappears.”
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QUEEN: How dare that cat expect me to help. It’s utterly undignified!

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Off with her head!
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BASHFUL: But your Majesty, the Cheshire Cat is the judge for the
trial.
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QUEEN: (Grumbles.) Very well, Bashful… She had best come up
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with a guilty verdict!

BASHFUL: Of course Your Highness.
DOPEY: Hey, Bashful. What do lawyers wear to court?
BASHFUL: Lawsuits, Dopey. They wear lawsuits.
DOPEY: How does my lawsuit look, Bashful?
BASHFUL: It looks dopey, Dopey.
DOPEY: I totally object.
MOTHER PIG: Save it for the trial, Dopey, that furry mutt is as guilty
as—
PIG 1: Oh Mom, s… stop. You’re making me n…nervous.
PIG 2: Yeah, Mom. Don’t give him the willies! (Smiles. Oinks.)
MOTHER PIG: Oh, my poor piglet. Did I scare you?
PIG 1: Y… yeah… (Oinks.)
PIG 3: Don’t worry! We’ll get a conviction for ol’ B. B. Wolf!
MOTHER PIG: You’re darn-tootin’ we will! (Oinks.)
DOPEY: (Referring to the set.) Cheshire Cat, does this look all right?

EVERYONE looks around trying to “see” the CHESHIRE CAT.

 MICHAEL WEHRLI 7

QUEEN: Where is that bizarre feline?! Show yourself! I demand to

know where you are?!
GRANNY: Now don’t have a conniption there, Queeny. See her
smile over there?
QUEEN: How dare you address me in such—
GRANNY: Aw, don’t blow a gasket. Remember your blood pressure.
QUEEN: Well! I never!
GRANNY: I believe it.

CHESHIRE “appears.” EVERYONE reacts.

CHESHIRE: Heeeeellooooo… Order in the court! Order in the…

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(Looks at the set-up.) Oh, no, no, no…
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MAD HATTER: Oh, what, what, what, what, what?!
CHESHIRE: This will never do. Reeeeeee-arrange!

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EVERYONE: Reeeee-arrange!
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Another mad dash as EVERYONE re-arranges everything during the

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dialogue below. CHESHIRE CAT is amused.
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GRANNY: Goodness gracious. There is no need for all this fuss.

MAD HATTER: Fuss? It’s no fuss at all! It’s craaaaaaazy and
fuuuuuun! We haven’t had a good trial in weeks! Woo hoooooooo!
GRANNY: Oh, Hatter, you’re a cutie, aren’t you? Quite the funny
one.
MAD HATTER: Funny as a funny-headed-funny-bone! (Lets out a
weird laugh.)
PIG 2: You know, that Mad Hatter dude is right. This is pretty fun!
(Oinks.)
PIG 3: And good exercise too!
PIG 1: Whoa! Exercise? I don’t want—
MOTHER PIG: Yes you do. Get a move on. (Oinks.)
PIG 1: Yes, Mom…
PIG 2: And do it with a smile! (Laughs.)
MAD HATTER: Woo and a hoo! This is my favorite part of a trial!
QUEEN: The trial hasn’t even started yet, you Mad Hatter!
MAD HATTER: It has in my book. Hey! I wrote a book and didn’t
know it! (Weird laugh.)
8 LAW AND DISORDER

QUEEN: Such insolence! Off with your head!

MAD HATTER: No can do. I need it for my hat!
QUEEN: Aaargh!

Setting up is done.

MOTHER PIG: Done and done!

CHESHIRE: (Looks around.) Why all the fuss? Everything looked
fine where it was.
GRANNY: Gracious me. But you told us to re-arrange?
QUEEN: Aaarrrgh!!!
EVERYONE: Reeeeeeeeee-arrange!

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Another mad dash as everyone re-arranges everything yet again
during the dialogue below.

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CHESHIRE: (Very amused.) I did. Didn’t I? (Smiles.)

GRANNY: This trial business is exhausting…
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PIG 1: It sure is. No one said we’d have to exercise. Ugh!
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PIG 2: Does poor widdle-biddle-piggy not wanna exercise?

PIG 3: Oh, give him a break.
PIG 1: Yeah. I’m really getting worn out… (Oinks.)

Setting up is done.

MAD HATTER: Whew, that was a whirlwind. And so is this. (Twirls

around and does a weird laugh.)

Dialogue below overlaps.

GRANNY: I do hope that’s the last of it. I don’t know if I have the
energy to—
QUEEN: —Don’t say it!—
GRANNY: —re-arrange again.
QUEEN: AAARGH!!!
EVERYONE: Reeeee-arrange!
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 9

Mad dash as EVERYONE re-arranges everything during the dialogue

below.

CHESHIRE: The day keeps getting better and better.

When they are done, EVERYONE collapses onto their seats,

exhausted.

MOTHER PIG: Whew! That was quite a—

CHESHIRE: It’s about time we got this trial underway. Everybody
rise!
EVERYONE: Ugh… (Slowly rises.)

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BEGIN OPTIONAL SCENE

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CHESHIRE 1: Excellent. All we need now are the spectators.
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(Calling.) Speeeeeeeectaaaaaatooooors!
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WHITE RABBIT, CINDERELLA, MOUSE 1, MOUSE 2, MOUSE 3,
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RUMPELSTILTSKIN, PAPA BEAR, MAMA BEAR, BABY BEAR,

GOLDILOCKS, and ENSEMBLE, enter from all over the auditorium.
They rush to the stage and continue to scramble for seats. Dialogue
happens during the scrambling.

WHITE RABBIT: I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date!
CINDERELLA: So am I White Rabbit! I must get to the ball on time!
MOUSE 1: Whoa, going after the farmer’s wife was sooooo fun!
MOUSE 2: Fun?! We lost our tails!
MOUSE 3: But the look on her face was priceless!
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You should have seen the look on that girl’s
face when I spun that straw into gold! Hilarious!
PAPA BEAR: Kind of like the look on Goldilock’s face when we
caught her.
GOLDILOCKS: Whew! You scared the daylights out of me, Papa
Bear.
MAMA BEAR: We didn’t mean to, my dear. We were just surprised
to find you in our home!
BABY BEAR: Yeah, there you were, in my bed!
10 LAW AND DISORDER

CHESHIRE: (Meows loudly.) Find your places.

WHITE RABBIT, CINDERELLA, MOUSE 1, MOUSE 2, MOUSE 3,

RUMPELSTILTSKIN, PAPA BEAR, MAMA BEAR, BABY BEAR,
GOLDILOCKS, and ENSEMBLE finds their places.

END OPTIONAL SCENE

ALICE and RED come rushing in.

RED: Just in the nick of time!

CHESHIRE: Ah, Alice, Red Riding Hood, wonderful! The

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prosecuting attorneys have arrived!
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ALICE: Uh… right. We’re the… (Has trouble with the pronunciation.)
pros... prosc... pres-cue-ting ett-corn-ays...

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RED: We can handle it, Cat.
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ALICE: Yeah. Sure. Sorry we’re late.

RED: (To CHESHIRE.) You told us the wrong place to go!
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CHESHIRE: Hmm… Did I? (Smiles.)
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ALICE and RED: Yes!

GRANNY: (Coolly.) Nice to see you, Little Red Riding Hood. Guess
you could make time for the trial and not for your dear old
Granny…
RED: Uh… Granny, can we please not do this here?
GRANNY: Oh, of course. Heaven forbid we deal with the issue.
RED: Granny…
ALICE: Maybe you should let it go, Red…
GRANNY: Oh! Does this mean we will have to re—

QUEEN clamps a hand over GRANNY’s mouth.

QUEEN: You say that one more time and it’s off with your head!
ALICE: Oh, joy… the Queen of Hearts.
QUEEN: Alice! I thought you left Wonderland?!
ALICE: Well, lucky for you I’m still here!
QUEEN: Don’t you dare speak—
CHESHIRE: (Meows loudly.) Quiet! Alice, Red, if you are staying,
find a seat.
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 11

ALICE: But everyone is standing?

CHESHIRE: Then find a stand.
RED and ALICE: Fine. (They join the trial.)
CHESHIRE: Why is everyone standing? Please sit down.

EVERYONE sits.

PIG 2: Awesome. This should be fun! (Oinks.)

MOTHER PIG: (Oinks.) Show some respect! This is a serious
matter.
CHESHIRE: Mad Hatter?
MAD HATTER: Yes? What? Huh?

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CHESHIRE: You are the bailiff. Do your job.
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MAD HATTER: Sure! And what’s that?
CHESHIRE: Go get the accused party.

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MAD HATTER: Right! Terrific! …And where is the party?
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CHESHIRE: Over there. (Points offstage.)

MAD HATTER: Rightio! (Exits rushing.)
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PIG 1: Ooohhh… I really don’t want to see that ho…horrible Wolf
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again! (Oinks.)
MOTHER PIG: Don’t worry. That Wolf will get what’s coming to him.
PIG 2: Yeah! A big slab of payback, piggy style!
QUEEN: Wolf? What are you talking about? That’s not why we—

MAD HATTER enters leading in B. B. WOLF. They are accompanied

by BROTHER WOLF and SCIENTIST.

B. B. WOLF: (Growls.) Don’t you touch me, Mad Hatter!

MAD HATTER: Wouldn’t dream of it, buddy!
B. B. WOLF: (Growls. To BROTHER.) You’d better get me out of
this!
BROTHER: Ah, come on, brother. Have I ever let you down?
B. B. WOLF: Yes! All the time.
BROTHER: Oh.
SCIENTIST: Fascinating. Quite the rustic setting for a judicial event.
CHESHIRE: (Meows loudly.) That’s enough. Take your seats.
BROTHER: OK. Oh, wait. Do we have time for a quick flashback?
12 LAW AND DISORDER

CHESHIRE: Time is free, but once you’ve lost it you can never get it
back. Hmm… Well, why not? We’ve got time.
BROTHER: Super!
EVERYONE: Flashback!

Lights blink then shift. EVERYONE wiggles around as if “flashing

back” to an earlier time. EVERYONE freezes except BROTHER,
B. B. WOLF, and SCIENTIST who are in a “flashback” to earlier that
day.

BROTHER: …Don’t worry about it. I’ve got it all covered.

SCIENTIST: Unquestionably.

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B. B. WOLF: Uh-huh. Who is going to represent me?!
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BROTHER: A crack team of lawyers from the firm of Grumpy,
Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Doc, Bashful, and Dopey.

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B. B. WOLF: You’ve got to be kidding me?!
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BROTHER: I thought you’d be pleased!

B. B. WOLF: They’re a bunch of dwarfs!
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BROTHER: Yeah! The whole mining for gold thing was drying up, so
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they took up law.

B. B. WOLF growls.

BROTHER: And we got ‘em at a bargain! This being their first case
and all…

B. B. WOLF growls louder.

BROTHER: And we’ve got this terrific scientist to help out.

SCIENTIST: Greetings and salutations, you fine pair of Canis Lupus.
B. B. WOLF: Huh?! I’m a wolf, mister.
SCIENTIST: Indubitably. I was merely using the Latin terminology.
Interesting history there, you see—
BROTHER: That’s… OK there, Professor. B. B. is going to give
expert testimony.
SCIENTIST: Absolutely. It is my intention to present scientific
evidence based on in-depth scientific research.
B. B. WOLF: Uh-huh. (Growls.)
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 13

Lights blink then shift back. EVERYONE un-freezes. SCIENTIST, B.

B. WOLF, BROTHER join the trial. We are now back in the “present.”

CHESHIRE: Very well. Let’s get under way. Mad Hatter, read the
charges.

CHESHIRE hands paperwork to MAD HATTER.

MAD HATTER: Ah! Right! Chibbeldy, rabalree raffemay

gibbertalledega.

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CHESHIRE CAT turns paper right-side up.
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MAD HATTER: Oh yes! Your Honor, today’s case is the Three Little

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Pigs vs. B.B. Wolf. The prosecution has the burden of proving that
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B.B. Wolf maliciously destroyed pig property and attempted pork

consumption. He blew down a couple of pigs’ houses and tried to
eat ‘em.
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MOTHER PIG: Hear, hear!

QUEEN: HOLD IT! We are supposed to be dealing with Granny!
RED: Granny?
QUEEN: Of course! Granny’s awful deed!
ALICE: What are you talking about?
QUEEN: Earlier today... that Granny... STOLE MY TARTS!!!

EVERYONE gasps.

RED: What?! My Granny would never steal anything!

EVERYONE starts talking at once.

CHESHIRE: (Shouting.) Hatter, maintain order in the court.

MAD HATTER: Okie-diddly-doo! (Runs around trying to quiet
everyone.) Order in the court! Silence! Hush! Quiet! Shush!
Settle down—
QUEEN: SILENCE!!!
14 LAW AND DISORDER

EVERYONE is silent. MAD HATTER becomes distracted.

CHESHIRE: Excellent! Well done. Bailiff? Bailiff?! Bailiff?!?! Mad

Hatter?!
MAD HATTER: Hmm? Yes?
CHESHIRE: You’re the bailiff, remember?
MAD HATTER: I am? I am. Superb! (Stage whispers to
CHESHIRE.) What’s a bailiff?
CHESHIRE: A bailiff is an officer who keeps order in a court of law.
MAD HATTER: Yes-in-deed-i-lee-doo! Court is now in session!
First up, the case of the stolen Pop-tarts!
CHESHIRE: Just tarts.

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MAD HATTER: The case of the stolen just tarts.
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CHESHIRE: The first witness will be… the Queen of Hearts.
MOTHER PIG: Hold on a second! What is going on here? This trial

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is supposed to be about that horrible Wolf and what he did to my
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little piggies!
PIG 1, PIG 2, and PIG 3: Mom!
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B. B. WOLF growls.

CHESHIRE: Oh! Didn’t you know? This is going to be a double trial.

MOTHER PIG: Ah. Well, I do now.
ALICE: A double trial? Why, there’s no such thing!
CHESHIRE: That shows how little you know, young Alice.
ALICE: What?!
RED: Give it up, Alice. That cat’s just messing with you.
SCIENTIST: There is precedence for trials addressing dual charges.
Back in—
QUEEN: Get on with it! What about my stolen tarts?!
CHESHIRE: Hmm… Something to ponder… (Meows loudly.) Queen
of Hearts, please take the stand.
MAD HATTER: (Shouts.) The Queen will take the stand!

MAD HATTER runs over and pulls QUEEN all over the stage then
finally to the witness stand.

QUEEN: My word! Such un-royal treatment!

 MICHAEL WEHRLI 15

MAD HATTER: Please put your royal hand on this book.

QUEEN places her hand on the book.

MAD HATTER: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth, or... or be written up in a tabloid?
CHESHIRE: Bailiff!
MAD HATTER: Oh, all right... Tell the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth, or be in really, really big trouble?
QUEEN: How dare you even ask?! Of course I will be truthful. I am
the Queen, you know!
CHESHIRE: Good. Now, give us your testim—

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QUEEN: ––That Granny person stole my tarts! That’s all there is to
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it.
CHESHIRE: Well there it is then. Next case.

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RED: Hold it! This isn’t over! Who is Granny’s defense lawyer?
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CHESHIRE: Oh. Umm… Dopey and Bashful can be, I suppose.

DOPEY and BASHFUL: Us?!
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CHESHIRE: Sure. Since you’re here defending B. B. Wolf you can
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do double duty.
MOTHER PIG: Serves them right! Defending such an animal…
DOPEY and BASHFUL: Oooohhhh boy…
RED: Go on! Get up there and ask her questions. It’s your job now.

BASHFUL and DOPEY go to the witness stand.

DOPEY: (Gulps.) Oh boy… Uh, your Majesty... Uh...

BASHFUL: Um… did you uh… see Granny take your tarts?
QUEEN: No. But she took them. I just know it.
BASHFUL: Very good. No further questions.

BASHFUL and DOPEY run back to their places.

RED: What?! That’s it?!

ALICE: Red, calm down. You won’t get anywhere with the Queen of
Hearts. Trust me.
CHESHIRE: Witness is excused.
16 LAW AND DISORDER

MAD HATTER rushes over to QUEEN.

MAD HATTER: Here, let me help you!

QUEEN: I can find my own way!
MAD HATTER: Okie-diddly-doo!

QUEEN returns to her seat.

GRANNY: Honestly, all this fuss over a couple little tarts.

CHESHIRE: (Meows.) I’m bored. Let’s switch over to the Wolf’s
case, shall we?
QUEEN: What?!

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MOTHER PIG: You’re darn-tootin’ we should! (Oinks.)
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PIG 1: Mom, please. You’ll get in trouble! (Oinks.)
PIG 2: You’re darn-tootin’ she will. (Laughs.)

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PIG 3: Show some dignity, will you? We want to make a good
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impression.
PIG 2: Well, if it’s impressions you want, I do a great—
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PIG 1 and PIG 3: No thanks!
Pe

MOTHER PIG: Quiet! All of you!

CHESHIRE: Order in the court! Mad Hatter, make the
announcement, please.
MAD HATTER: Rightio! Ahem... The case of the Three Little Pigs
versus the Big Bad Wolf is now in session.
BASHFUL: Uh… I object, Your Honor… um… I object to referring to
our client as “big and bad.” (Looks at DOPEY.)
DOPEY: Yeah. What he said. (Smiles to BASHFUL.)
BASHFUL: He goes by B. B.
CHESHIRE: Hmm... Objection... Overruled. (Smiles.)
DOPEY and BASHFUL: Oh man!
B. B. WOLF: You expect these two goofballs to get me out of this
mess?!
BROTHER: Don’t worry. They’ll get it done.
MOTHER PIG: You should be ashamed of yourself, hairball.
CHESHIRE: Order in the court! Prosecution, please proceed.
RED: That’s us, Alice. We got this.
ALICE: I’ll do my best…
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 17

RED: Your Honor, we shall prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that

this Wolf tried to eat these cute little piggies––
ALICE: ––and destroy their homes!
DOPEY: Oh. Hey. I object to using the term “destroyed,” Your
Honor.
CHESHIRE: Objection... Overruled. (Smiles.)
DOPEY and BASHFUL: Oh man.
SCIENTIST: A most unorthodox method of running a trial.
RED: We call as our first witness, the Three Little Pigs.
MAD HATTER: Suuuuuueeeeey!

MAD HATTER rushes over and pulls PIG 1, PIG 2 and PIG 3 all over

rm fo l
the stage then finally to the witness stand.
rfo ot sa
PIG 1: (Out of breath.) Th… That nearly gave me a heart attack.

ce
MAD HATTER: Please put your little piggy feet on this book.
r
pe N ru

PIG 1, PIG 2, and PIG 3 place their hooves on the book.

an
Pe

MAD HATTER: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth, or be turned into bacon?
CHESHIRE: Bailiff!!!
MAD HATTER: Oh, all right… And nothing but the truth, or be in
really, really, big trouble?
PIG 1, PIG 2 and PIG 3: I do.
MOTHER PIG: Tell the Judge all the terrible things that Wolf did to
you!
PIG 1, PIG 2 and PIG 3: Mom! (Oinks.)
CHESHIRE: Order in the court!
ALICE: Tell us what happened on that terrible night.
PIG 1: (Very nervous.) G… Gosh, will I ever! I was in my straw
house, minding my own business, when… when all of a sudden
that… that Wolf came and pounded on my door.
MOTHER PIG: Tell it like it is, my dear! Tell it like it is!
PIG 1: Well, I was a n-nervous wreck! I was barely able to say “get
lost” before I ran and… and hid behind my straw sofa. (Begins to
break down.)
MOTHER PIG: That’s telling it, my sweetie! That’s telling it!
18 LAW AND DISORDER

PIG 1: And this B. B. Wolf guy, he gets all mad-like—so stinkin’-

crazy-mad that he… he goes and huffs and puffs and… and blows
my house down!

PIG 1 completely breaks down. MOTHER rushes over to comfort him

and give him a handkerchief.

DOPEY: Objection, Your Honor.

BASHFUL: Our client doesn’t get “stinkin’ crazy mad.”
CHESHIRE: Overruled!
DOPEY and BASHFUL: Oh man!
RED: Please go on.

rm fo l
PIG 1: Go on? I’m… I’m lucky to be here at all! As soon as my
rfo ot sa
house was… gone, he was after me!
MOTHER PIG: You see?! You see?!?!

ce
PIG 1: Mom… I’m OK now…
r
pe N ru

MOTHER PIG goes back to her seat.

an
Pe

PIG 2: So, my brother came runnin’ over to my stick house, shaking

like a leaf. He was terrified out of his mind.
PIG 1: It was awful!
PIG 2: Of course I did what I could to calm him down.
ALICE: And what was that?
PIG 2: Oh, the usual–told a couple of my awesome jokes!
RED: Could you give us an example please?

PIG 1, PIG 3 and MOTHER PIG strongly ad-lib their disagreements.

PIG 2: Aww, come on. You love my jokes and you know it.

More ad-libs from PIG 1, PIG 3, and MOTHER PIG.

PIG 2: (Continues.) SOOO… Here’s a good one.

PIG 1, PIG 3 and MOTHER PIG: Ugh… (Oinks.)
PIG 2: Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Well
have ya’? The food is amazing, but I've heard it’s got no
atmosphere. (Laughs.)
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 19

EVERYONE groans, except GRANNY and MAD HATTER, who laugh

hysterically.

GRANNY: What a hilarious little porker you are!

SCIENTIST: It is illogical to assume a food establishment would be
constructed on the moon. The lack of customers would—
PIG 2: Anyway… Here’s another one—

EVERYONE groans louder except GRANNY and MAD HATTER.

PIG 2: What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a

rm fo l
little… wine!
rfo ot sa
EVERYONE groans very loudly, except GRANNY and MAD

ce
HATTER, who again laugh hysterically.
r
pe N ru

GRANNY: Oh my! I haven’t laughed this much in years.

an
SCIENTIST: There is more to the process of wine-making than just—
Pe

QUEEN: Enough of this foolishness! GET ON WITH IT!!!

ALICE: Hey, don’t you tell us what to do!
QUEEN: What?! Well! I never!
RED: All right, all right. What happened next?
PIG 3: Yeah, enough with the bad jokes! (Oinks.)
PIG 2: (Makes a face at PIG 3, then continues.) Well, just when I
had my brother calmed down, ol’ Mr. Fur-ball came a-knocking.
B. B. WOLF: What did you call me?!
BROTHER: Whoa, take it easy brother.
B. B. WOLF: Then do something!
BROTHER: OK… Uh, Scientist, any ideas?
SCIENTIST: I am currently pondering the best way to proceed,
based on logical scientific analysis, of course.
BROTHER: Uh… good. Lawyers?
DOPEY: Hmm? Oh, us. OK. Umm…
BASHFUL: Oh, I have it. Uh, objection, Your Honor.
CHESHIRE: Yeeeeeeesss?
BASHFUL: Uh, how did the pigs know it was B.B. Wolf knocking on
their door?
20 LAW AND DISORDER

PIG 1: We looked out the window and saw him!

BASHFUL: Oh. OK, never mind.
ALICE: Continue.
PIG 1: Well, the same thing happened!
PIG 2: Right! Just ‘cause I wouldn’t let fuzzie-wuzzie in, he goes and
blows my house of sticks to pieces.
MOTHER PIG: Oh my poor little piggies!
RED: There you have it, Your Honor. Two houses destroyed by this
fiendish madman!
DOPEY: Objection, objection, objection Your Honor!
BASHFUL: She… uh… can’t say that kinda… stuff.
CHESHIRE: Sorry, that’s one objection too many. Overruled.

rm fo l
DOPEY and BASHFUL: Oh man!
rfo ot sa
B. B. WOLF: What is going on here?!
ALICE: No further questions, Your Honor.

ce
CHESHIRE: Defense, do you wish to cross examine?
r
pe N ru

DOPEY: Uh, what does that mean?

SCIENTIST: Cross examination is a legal process in which you pose
an
queries to the current witness.
Pe

DOPEY and BASHFUL: Huh?

CHESHIRE: Do you want to ask any questions?
DOPEY and BASHFUL: Uh, nope.
B. B. WOLF: What?! (Growls.)
DOPEY: Oh! I mean, yes.
BASHFUL: We do want to ask questions.
B. B. WOLF: Go on!
DOPEY: So… uh… pigs… umm…
BASHFUL: Are you… uh… sure?
PIG 3: Sure? About what?
BASHFUL: Umm… Couldn’t the whole house falling over thing been
an accident of some kind?
PIG 2: Now who’s being funny? It was good ol’ huffy-puffy there. He
did it!
B. B. WOLF: (Growls.) My name is B. B.!
MOTHER PIG: You’ll get yours, B. B.!

BROTHER growls.
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 21

DOPEY: I… guess we’re done then.

CHESHIRE: The witnesses can waddle on back.

MAD HATTER rushes over and pulls PIG 1, PIG 2, and PIG 3 all over
the stage then finally back to their places.

BEGIN OPTIONAL SCENE

CHESHIRE: Speeeeeectators. Your opinion?

WHITE RABBIT, PAPA BEAR, MAMA BEAR, BABY BEAR,

GOLDILOCKS, CINDERELLA, MOUSE 1, MOUSE 2, MOUSE 3,

rm fo l
RUMPELSTILTSKIN, and ENSEMBLE scrambles around again.
rfo ot sa
Dialogue below happens while they scramble.

ce
WHITE RABBIT: Things are happening waaaay too slow. I’m late!
r
pe N ru

PAPA BEAR: That’s the truth. I’m starving!

MAMA BEAR: All right, dear. I’ll cook you up something special
an
when we get home.
Pe

BABY BEAR: And some honey for dessert!

GOLDILOCKS: Sounds good to me. (Yawns.) And maybe a nap…
CINDERELLA: Hmm… I seem to have lost my slipper…
MOUSE 1: Sorry, I dozed off. What was the question?
MOUSE 2: Something about pigs…
MOUSE 3: Probably isn’t that important.
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Perhaps those pigs would like a gold straw
house.
CHESHIRE: (Meows loudly.) Quiet please!

WHITE RABBIT, PAPA BEAR, MAMA BEAR, BABY BEAR,

GOLDILOCKS, CINDERELLA, MOUSE 1, MOUSE 2, MOUSE 3,
RUMPELSTILTSKIN, and ENSEMBLE find their places.

END OPTIONAL SCENE

QUEEN: Ugh! This is excruciating!

CHESHIRE: (Meows.) Yeah, I’m kind of ready to return to the case
of the stolen tarts.
22 LAW AND DISORDER

MAD HATTER: Yippie! Back to the tarts!

CHESHIRE: I think the next witness should be… the Wolf! (Points to
BROTHER.)
MAD HATTER: (Shouts.) The Wolf will take the stand! And
awaaaaaaaaaaay we gooooooooo!

MAD HATTER runs over and pulls BROTHER all over the stage then
finally to the witness stand.

BROTHER: Whoa!
MAD HATTER: Please put your paw on this book.

rm fo l
BROTHER places his paw on the book.
rfo ot sa
MAD HATTER: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole

ce
truth, and nothing but the truth, or be turned into a rug?
r
pe N ru

CHESHIRE: Bailiff...
MAD HATTER: Oh, all right… Tell the whole truth, and nothing but
an
the truth, or be in really really big trouble?
Pe

BROTHER: You bet!

CHESHIRE smiles and is ready to cause some trouble. EVERYONE

stares at BROTHER. Long pause.

CHESHIRE: (Meows.) Wolf, why are you at the witness stand?

BROTHER: You called me up here.
CHESHIRE: I meant the other wolf. (Points to B. B. WOLF)
BROTHER: Oh, all right. (Starts to leave.)
CHESHIRE: That is… Unless you’re the wolf that’s supposedly
friends with Granny. (Smiles.)
BROTHER: Yup, that’s me.
B. B. WOLF: You’re friends with Granny?!
CHESHIRE: Wolf, stop wasting our time and take the stand.
(Smiles.)
BROTHER: (To CHESHIRE.) You never change… (Comes back.)

Long pause. EVERYONE stares at BROTHER.

 MICHAEL WEHRLI 23

BROTHER: Um… Yes?

Long pause. Everyone stares at BROTHER.

BROTHER: Did you want to ask me something?

Long pause. Everyone stares at BROTHER.

BROTHER: Umm… Does anyone want to ask me a question?

Long pause. Everyone stares at BROTHER.

rm fo l
BROTHER: Ooookay, well, I’ll tell you what I know. You see—
rfo ot sa
CHESHIRE: (Loudly yawns.) That should just about do it.
BROTHER: Huh?

ce
CHESHIRE: Off you go.
r
pe N ru

BROTHER: Oh… Okay. (Starts to leave.)

CHESHIRE: Where are you going? You have to tell us what you
an
know about all this tart-stealing business? (Smiles.)
Pe

BROTHER: Oh. (Returns.) Uh, nothing, really.

QUEEN: Nothing at all?!
BROTHER: Not a thing. But I will say that Granny—
QUEEN: Nothing, he said! That’s highly important!
BASHFUL: Uh… un-important, I think her Majesty means.
QUEEN: Of course that is what I mean! Off with his—

B. B. WOLF looks at QUEEN and growls loudly.

QUEEN: Uh, never mind.

DOPEY: How dare you threaten our beloved Queen!

B. B. WOLF looks at DOPEY and growls loudly.

DOPEY: Uh, go right ahead.

SCIENTIST: I must say, I find these entire proceedings to be
without—

B. B. WOLF looks at SCIENTIST and growls loudly.

24 LAW AND DISORDER

SCIENTIST: Ah. I shall ponder a while longer…

BROTHER: Whoa, hold up. Listen, Granny and I are best friends.
We play ________________. [A current popular game.] together
all the time.
SCIENTIST: ________________. [A current popular game.] The
mind boggles…
BROTHER: I can tell you, Granny’s not the type to steal any tarts.
RED: Then, maybe it was you!

EVERYONE gasps.

rm fo l
QUEEN: AH-HA!
rfo ot sa
BROTHER: Whoa, hang on. There’s no “ah-ha” thing going on here!
CHESHIRE: Red Riding Hood, do you have some evidence?

ce
RED: Well, no. But Wolf does have a history of bad behavior.
r
pe N ru

BROTHER: Red, that was one little incident…

RED: Little? You scared me to death! Go on, tell everyone!
an
BROTHER: (Takes a breath.) A couple weeks ago, I was over at
Pe

Granny’s house playing _________________ with her—

Dialogue below overlaps.

GRANNY: —You were winning, as usual—

RED: —She used to play with me—
BROTHER: —Yeah… Anyhow, she started feeling bad, and left to
get some medicine and—
RED: And Wolf here gets the brilliant idea to put her nightgown and
cap on!
BROTHER: I was cold! Granny lets me wear her stuff all the time.
GRANNY: That’s right, I do.
RED: Really? And when I came over, why were you doing all that
Granny impersonation stuff?!
BROTHER: Yeah... Sorry about that. I was just trying out my
improvisation skills—I’ve been taking a class—I couldn’t resist,
Red.
RED: “The better eat you with, my dear”? I thought I was dead meat!
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 25

BROTHER: I know, I know. Again, my apologies. I lost myself in the

role. I would never have hurt you!
ALICE: Red, it seems like he’s telling the truth. Can’t you forgive
him?
RED: Well… okay. Just don’t let it happen again!
BROTHER: Absolutely. Oh, and I just have to say, this whole wolves
are “big and bad” and go around eating people is all a bunch of
nonsense. We are so misunderstood.
QUEEN: What does any of this have to do with my stolen tarts?!
CHESHIRE: Not a thing.
QUEEN: Ugh! I have had just about—!
CHESHIRE: Silence in the court.

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
EVERYONE starts talking to each other.

ce
MAD HATTER: (Runs around trying to silence people.) Silence in
r
pe N ru

the court! Order! Hush! Quiet! Shush! Settle d—

QUEEN: SILENCE!!!
an
Pe

Everyone is silent.

CHESHIRE: The witness can go away now.

BROTHER: All righty then…

MAD HATTER grabs BROTHER and pulls him all over the stage then
finally back to his place.

SCIENTIST: Amazing. I estimate your velocity was—

MOTHER PIG: Can we please get back to the real wolf criminal?!
CHESHIRE: Why not?
MAD HATTER: Back to the trial of Mr. B. B. Wolf!
MOTHER PIG: You’re gonna get it, Wolfie!
B. B. WOLF: (Growls.) If she calls me that one more time…
ALICE: I think we need to bring the Three Little Pigs back to the
stand––
PIG 1, PIG 2 and PIG 3: Again?
26 LAW AND DISORDER

MAD HATTER rushes over and pulls PIG 1, PIG 2, and PIG 3 all over
the stage then finally to the witness stand.

MAD HATTER: You know the drill. Pigs feet on the book, please!

PIG 1, PIG 2, and PIG 3 place their feet on the book.

MAD HATTER: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth, or be turned into a ham sandwich?
CHESHIRE: Bailiff!!!
MAD HATTER: (Sighs.) OK… And nothing but the truth, or be in
really, really big trouble?

rm fo l
PIG 1, PIG 2 and PIG 3: I do.
rfo ot sa
MAD HATTER: Have a ball, piggies! (Weird laugh.)
ALICE: Tell us the rest of your story.

ce
RED: What happened after your stick house was blown over?
r
pe N ru

PIG 1: We… We had to r… run for our lives!

PIG 2: Which is no small feat for him, believe me.
an
PIG 1: B. B. Wolf was ch… chasing after us with hunger in his eyes!
Pe

MOTHER PIG: Oh, how dreadful!

PIG 2: Good thing we got a head start on him.
PIG 1: It was tra… traumatizing.
PIG 2: What he said.
PIG 3: Fortunately my brick house was nearby. I took them in and
we immediately locked all the doors and windows.
MOTHER PIG: Thank goodness. Tell them what happened next!
Tell them!
PIG 3: Mother, you’re embarrassing me. So—
PIG 2: So, once again, Mr. Sloberpuss came knocking at the door.
B. B. WOLF: That’s it! I’m gonna—
BROTHER: Do nothing.
MOTHER PIG: Stop interrupting my babies, you brute!

B. B. WOLF growls loudly.

RED: Go on.
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 27

PIG 3: We told the Big Bad Wolf to go away. As if! He tried his
usual huffing and puffing bit, but this time it didn’t work. My house
is brick solid!
ALICE: Please continue.
PIG 3: The Wolf got insanely angry and tried to come down the
chimney.
PIG 2: We had a boiling pot of water going and gave him quite a
bubble bath!

PIGS, MOTHER, and several others laugh.

DOPEY: That is hilarious!

rm fo l
rfo ot sa
B. B. WOLF growls loudly.

ce
DOPEY: Oh, I mean… Objection, Your Honor!
r
pe N ru

BASHFUL: Uh… Our client was severely burned by that event!

CHESHIRE: Oh lighten up, Bashful. That was funny.
an
DOPEY and BASHFUL: Oh man!
Pe

B. B. WOLF: This is looking hopeless. (Growls.)

RED: No further questions, Your Honor.
CHESHIRE: Witnesses can scamper on back.

ALICE and RED exchange looks.

ALICE: As far as Mr. B. B. Wolf’s court case, the prosc... the

prosec... um... we’re done.
RED: It’s obvious from the evidence that the Big Bad Wolf is a house
destroyer and potential eater of pigs!
CHESHIRE: Could well be… But, I suppose we should hear from the
defense.
B. B. WOLF: (Growls.) Finally!
QUEEN: HOLD IT! I demand we return to the much more pressing
issue of the day––my stolen tarts!

EVERYONE starts talking at once.

28 LAW AND DISORDER

MAD HATTER: (Runs around.) Silence in the court! Order! Hush!

Quiet! Shush! Settle d—
QUEEN: SILENCE!!!

Everyone is silent.

CHESHIRE: Oh… I suppose the stolen tarts case can make another
appearance. (Smiles.)
RED: Just when I thought we were done…
ALICE: Curiouser and curiouser.
SCIENTIST: Most perplexing, indeed. Yes, indeed.
CHESHIRE: Ah… How fun to be perplexed!

rm fo l
MAD HATTER: Back to the case of the stolen tarts!
rfo ot sa
CHESHIRE: (Meows.) How about… Alice and Little Red Riding
hood?

ce
MAD HATTER: Come on down! You’re the next contestants on the
r
pe N ru

stolen tarts show!

an
MAD HATTER rushes over and pulls ALICE and RED to the witness
Pe

stand.

MAD HATTER: Please put your li’l ol’ hands on this book.

ALICE and RED place a hand on the book.

MAD HATTER: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth, or be forced to appear on a reality
TV show?
CHESHIRE: Bailiff!
MAD HATTER: Oh, come on, just this once?
CHESHIRE: Bailiff…
MAD HATTER: (Sighs.) You’re no fun… And nothing but the truth or
be in really really big trouble?
ALICE and RED: I do.
MAD HATTER: All righty then! (Weird laugh.)
CHESHIRE: Now where were we?
RED: I can set the record straight about my Granny and—
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 29

CHESHIRE: Oh, that won’t be necessary. We don’t need your

testimony.
ALICE and RED: What?!
CHESHIRE: Just kidding. Go right ahead.
RED: You bet I will!
ALICE: Take a breath Red.
RED: All right. (Deep breath.) Now, My Granny would never—

EVERYONE starts talking to each other very loudly.

RED: My Granny didn’t… Whoa! Hang on a minute!

rm fo l
EVERYONE continues talking.
rfo ot sa
ALICE: Listen everyone!

ce
RED: Hey! I have something to say! Listen!
r
pe N ru

BROTHER stands up and starts howling. Eventually B. B. WOLF

an
joins him. Eventually, EVERYONE stops and stares at them.
Pe

BROTHER: Cool! It actually worked!

RED: Uh, thanks. Now, as I was saying—
CHESHIRE: Thank you for your testimony. Witnesses, go away.
ALICE and RED: What?!
RED: But I want to say someth—

MAD HATTER rushes over and pulls ALICE and RED to their places.
Dialogue below overlaps.

MAD HATTER: (Singing.) A-back to place we go! A-back to place

we go! High ho the merry-o, a-back to place we go!
RED: —Wait a minute! I didn’t get to finish! Hold it!
ALICE: —Never mind, Red. Obviously, they don’t care to listen—
QUEEN: —UGH!!! We are wasting so much time!
CHESHIRE: What a delightful set of trials. Dopey, Bashful, you’re
up! Defend that wacky B. B. Wolf of yours.
B. B. WOLF: Wacky?!
DOPEY: Super-duper! It’s our turn.
30 LAW AND DISORDER

BASHFUL: Don’t worry, B. B., we’ll take care of everything.

B. B. WOLF: You better… (Growls.)
BASHFUL: Your Honor, this whole incident was blown way out of
proportion.
MOTHER PIG: Ah! You see! He said “blown”! Blown!
PIG 2: Now Mom, don’t blow up. (Laughs.)
DOPEY: Uh… Yeah… Our first witness is… Doctor Finster M.
Winkleheimer.

MAD HATTER rushes over and pulls SCIENTIST all over the stage
then finally to the witness stand.

rm fo l
SCIENTIST: What a curious sensation.
rfo ot sa
MAD HATTER: Please put your computer tapping fingers on this
book.

ce
r
pe N ru

SCIENTIST places his hand on the book.

an
MAD HATTER: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole
Pe

truth, and nothing but the truth, or be spanked like a baby?

CHESHIRE: (Laughing.) Good one.
MAD HATTER: I knew I’d get you! (Smiles.)
CHESHIRE: You did.
SCIENTIST: I do.
MAD HATTER: (To CHESHIRE CAT.) He does. (To SCIENTIST.)
Carry on, egghead! (Weird laugh.)
SCIENTIST: I shall endeavor to do just that.
BASHFUL: Now, Dr. Winkleheimer, you are a scientist that studies
scientific uh… science in the field of science. Is that right?
SCIENTIST: Yes, yes I do. It’s a very complicated field of study,
science. Highly scientific.
DOPEY: No doubt about that! Please tell us, is it scientifically
possible for the Wolf to have “blown down” those houses?
SCIENTIST: Based on my exacting scientific calculations, it is
scientifically impossible for Mr. B. B. Wolf to have generated
enough oxygen, carbon dioxide and nitrogen to have
accomplished such a feat.
DOPEY: Ah! Good… So… This is what science teaches us?
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 31

SCIENTIST: Truly. Extensive scientific research conclusively proves

my hypothesis. Scientifically speaking, that is.
BASHFUL: Are you sure?
SCIENTIST: Unquestionably. My empirical data was checked
rigorously.
DOPEY: Wow… Could you say that again? (Smiles.)
SCIENTIST: With pleasure. My empirical data was—
CHESHIRE: (Meows loudly.) That won’t be necessary.
SCIENTIST: Ah. Then I shall endeavor to cease my reiteration.
DOPEY: Re-critter-what-shun?
SCIENTIST: Hmm. It seems your aural receptors have misperceived
my verbal output.

rm fo l
DOPEY: Aaaahhh. I could listen to you all day… (Smiles.)
rfo ot sa
QUEEN: WE DON’T HAVE ALL DAY! We’ve wasted enough time as
it is. I have a croquet game to attend!

ce
CHESHIRE: Quite right.
r
pe N ru

SCIENTIST: Ah, croquet has a fascinating origin. Back in the mid-

1800s—
an
CHESHIRE: (Meow.) Bashful? Anything else?
Pe

BASHFUL: Uh… No further questions, Your Honor.

CHESHIRE: Cross examine, prosecutors?
ALICE and RED: Nope.
MOTHER PIG: Hogwash!
PIG 1, PIG 2 and PIG 3: Hogwash!
SCIENTIST: My dear lady, I take umbrage at your assertion.
MOTHER PIG: What?!
PIG 1 and PIG 3: What?!
PIG 2: Chicken butt.
CHESHIRE: The witness may proceed to his appointed spot.

MAD HATTER pulls SCIENTIST back to his place. BASHFUL and

DOPEY quietly talk to each other.

MAD HATTER: (Sing-songy.) Logical! Logical! Highly, highly,

logical! La, la, laaaaaa!
SCIENTIST: Interesting return pattern, Hatter. It suggests geometric
thinking.
32 LAW AND DISORDER

DOPEY: Your Honor, we want to bring B. B. Wolf’s brother back up

to the stand.
BROTHER: Huh? Me? We didn’t talk about that.

MAD HATTER rushes over to pull BROTHER up to the stand, but

BROTHER avoids MAD HATTER and rushes up to the witness stand
by himself.

BROTHER: Ha! Got you!

MAD HATTER: Spoil sport…
CHESHIRE: Now remember, Wolf, you are still under oath.
BROTHER: Under what?

rm fo l
CHESHIRE: (Meows.) You still have to tell the truth.
rfo ot sa
BROTHER: Yuppers. No worries there.
MOTHER PIG: Don’t believe a word he says!

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BROTHER: Whoa… That’s not very nice…
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DOPEY: Ahem. So, Wolf, what do you think of your brother?

BROTHER: Oh, he’s a heck of a guy! Would never hurt a fly. Best
an
brother a fellow could have!
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CHESHIRE: But haven’t you, on occasion, seen him eat cute little
animals before?
BROTHER: Oh yeah he does that. But he has to—he’s a wolf you
know.

Everyone gasps.

BROTHER: What?
B. B. WOLF: Get him off of the stand!

Dialogue below overlaps.

BASHFUL: Umm… Wolf—

BROTHER: —Listen, he is such a kind brother. You know, when we
were young he showed me the perfect way to hunt down a rabbit.
Yup, those were the days––
DOPEY: —Uh… Wolf, you can—
BROTHER: —Oh, and you should see him go after the bigger game.
Man, what a hunter!
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 33

BASHFUL: (Shouts.) THAT WILL BE ALL!!!

Pause. Everyone stares at BASHFUL.

BASHFUL: Uh… Please, stop.

BROTHER: Super. I’m getting hungry anyhow. (To B. B. WOLF.)
Hey, after the trial, (Looks at the PIGS.) let’s chase down some big
juicy—
B. B. WOLF: Get off the stand, you dunderhead!
BROTHER: Huh? What’d I say?
CHESHIRE: Witness can go bye-bye.
BROTHER: Wha’?

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CHESHIRE: Go away.
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BROTHER: What’d I say?!

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MAD HATTER rushes over to try and take BROTHER back to his
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place, but BROTHER is too fast for him and goes back on his own.
MAD HATTER chases him the whole way.
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MAD HATTER: Party pooper…

DOPEY: (Smiling. To B. B. WOLF.) You see, everything is in hand.
B. B. WOLF: (Growls.) …I’m doomed, doomed…
MOTHER PIG: You bet you are wolfie!
CHESHIRE: (Meows.) Iiiiiiiii… believe I’m ready to make some
verdicts.
RED, ALICE, GRANNY and B. B. WOLF: What?!
QUEEN: WAIT! Sentence first, verdict afterwards!
EVERYONE: Sentence first, verdict afterwards! Sentence first,
verdict afterwards!! Sentence first, verdict afterwards!!!
SCIENTIST: Logical. Flawlessly logical.
RED: Hold it! Granny should get a chance to defend herself!
B. B. WOLF: And what about me?!
CHESHIRE: What a novel idea. Opinions anyone?

EVERYONE talks to each other. Soon, EVERYONE stops and nods

their heads, or give a thumbs-up, or OK sign, or some sort of “yes,”
except MOTHER and PIG1, PIG 2, and PIG 3.
34 LAW AND DISORDER

SCIENTIST: The democratic process at work.

QUEEN: Ugh! What a ridiculous waste of time!
CHESHIRE: The majority has spoken. And just for fun, we’ll bring up
both defendants at the same time. (Smiles.)
MAD HATTER: Ooo! Awesome!

MAD HATTER rushes to pull B. B. WOLF over to the stand, but B. B.

WOLF gives a huge growl. MAD HATTER smiles, backs away, and
gestures for B. B. WOLF to go on his own. MAD HATTER then
rushes over to GRANNY, and starts gently escorting her to the stand.

GRANNY: Oh my, how disappointing. Don’t I get the whirly-bird

ride?
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MAD HATTER smiles then rushes her all around the stage finally

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depositing her at the witness stand. GRANNY loves it.
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MAD HATTER: Granny, you rock!

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GRANNY: Oh my stars! That was the biggest thrill of my life!
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B. B. WOLF: (Growls.) Let’s get on with this! I’ve got a lot to say!
MAD HATTER: Righto! Please put your paw on this book.

B.B. WOLF places his paw on the book.

MAD HATTER: And Granny, the ol’ hand-a-roonie please!

GRANNY places her hand on the book.

MAD HATTER: Do you solemnly swear, blah blah blah blah blah…
CHESHIRE: Bailiff! Oh… never mind.
MAD HATTER: So? Are you tellin’ the truth, or what?
GRANNY: Of course I will, young man.
B. B. WOLF: I won’t lie!
MOTHER PIG and PIGS: Booooooooo! Boooooooooooo! Boooo—

B. B. WOLF growls loudly and MOTHER and PIG 1, PIG 2, and PIG 3
stop. DOPEY and BASHFUL cross to CHESHIRE.
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 35

DOPEY: Um… Which one are we defending, again?

CHESHIRE: Both of them.
BASHFUL: Oh. Right. Um…
SCIENTIST: This should prove a fascinating variation on the final
deliberations.

Pause. EVERYONE stares at SCIENTIST.

PIG 2: Go for it dwarfs!

DOPEY: So, Mr. B. B. Wolf, please tell us what really happened that
night?
B. B. WOLF: I will! Look, all I was trying to do was sell them some

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insurance! That’s the only reason I knocked on their door.
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MOTHER PIG: What he’s saying is a bunch of poppycock!
PIG 1, PIG 2, and PIG 3: Poppycock!

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B. B. WOLF: Poppycock?! Why you, I ought to—
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DOPEY: —Mr. Wolf, Please!

SCIENTIST: —Poppycock is a colloquial term meaning—
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B. B. WOLF growls loudly at SCIENTIST.

DOPEY: Now Granny…

GRANNY: Hmm? Ooo, what a cute little person you are.
DOPEY: Aw, gee, thanks. Uh… what were you doing earlier today?
GRANNY: Oh! I was practically starving to death because once
again, my consistently tardy grand-daughter hadn’t brought me my
lunch!
RED: Granny! I’m sorry I was late. But it took me a while to—
GRANNY: Save the excuses, missy. If you don’t want to help out
your dear old Granny, just say so.
RED: Granny! Please don’t—
GRANNY: Well, there I was, at death’s door, not knowing where my
next meal was coming from. So… I had to take matters into my
own hands…
BASHFUL: Speaking of hands, B. B., you said you merely knocked
on their door—
B. B. WOLF: You heard me—to sell insurance, nothing else. What’s
the problem with a wolf trying to make a living?!
36 LAW AND DISORDER

ALICE: The problem is you wanted to eat these cute little piggies!
B. B. WOLF: So what?

EVERYONE gasps.

B. B. WOLF: I mean… that is totally untrue. They don’t even look

appetizing.
BROTHER: They do to me.
B. B. WOLF: Quiet you!
BASHFUL: And so, Granny, did you take your hunger into your own
hands by taking the Queen’s tarts?
GRANNY: My goodness, of course I took them!

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EVERYONE gasps then starts talking at once, getting progressively
louder.

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RED: (Trying to be heard over the crowd.) Look this isn’t a big deal.
Really. Oh, come on. OK, wait a minute. Wait a minute! Wait a
an
minute!! Wait a minute!!! (Shouts.) WAIT A MINUTE!!!
Pe

EVERYONE immediately stops and stares at RED.

RED: Come on! Is this really such a big deal? So she stole the
Queen’s tarts. Is that really—
GRANNY: Oh, my gracious gumballs! Who said anything about
stealing?
RED: Um… You said—
GRANNY: Ah, typical youngsters. I said I took them.
BASHFUL: (Shouts.) AH HA!

EVERYONE stares at BASHFUL.

BASHFUL: Sorry.
GRANNY: You see, the Queen of Hearts brought over the tarts
because she knew I was ever so hungry.

EVERYONE gasps.
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 37

ALICE: Are you kidding me?

EVERYONE stares at the QUEEN.

QUEEN: What are you all staring at?! I was simply going over
because… because… I love to play ________________. [Current
popular game mentioned previously.]

EVERYONE gasps.

BROTHER: Well, ain’t that somethin’…

CHESHIRE: Looks like this case is closed.

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ALICE: I never would’ve guessed it…
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QUEEN: Of course not! Because you’re a silly little girl.
ALICE: I am not!

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QUEEN: Off with your head!
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GRANNY: Oh, Queeny, you put on such an act.

QUEEN: Uh… What are you talking about?!
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MOTHER PIG: Enough of all this! We’ve got a dangerous criminal to
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convict!
B. B. WOLF: Dangerous?! You don’t know the half of it, woman!
BROTHER: You got that right.
DOPEY: Whoa! B. B., you—
B. B. WOLF: That’s enough out of you, too!
BASHFUL: Calm down there B. B.—
B. B. WOLF: Calm down?! CALM DOWN?!?! I’m a wolf you crazy
people! We eat pigs sometimes. Where’s the crime in that?!
MOTHER PIG: You see! You see!
CHESHIRE: Ah! Another case solved!
B. B. WOLF: Oh, it’s solved all right! And thanks to the law and
disorder twins here, there’s no point in even trying! So it’s dinner
time!!!
38 LAW AND DISORDER

B. B. WOLF and BROTHER rush at PIG 1, PIG 2, and PIG 3 and

chase them around the stage and possibly through the audience.
MOTHER follows trying to protect her children. General chaos
ensues. Somehow during the chase, MOTHER manages to scare
B. B. WOLF and BROTHER enough so that she ends up chasing
them. Eventually, B. B. WOLF, PIG 1, PIG 2, PIG 3, MOTHER, and
BROTHER end up offstage.

SCIENTIST: Logical. A typical end to a dual purpose court case.

BEGIN OPTIONAL SCENE

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WHITE RABBIT: Ah! I can finally make my appointment! (Exits.)
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CINDERELLA: And I have a ball to attend and a Prince to meet.
(Exits.)

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MOUSE 1: I have no idea what just happened. Do you?
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MOUSE 2: Not a clue. But, it sounded interesting.

MOUSE 3: Yup. Well, let’s head back to the mouse hole.
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MOUSE 1, 2, and 3 exit.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: Time to cause some more mischief! (Exits.)

GOLDILOCKS: Guess I’d best get home. Mom may be worried…
(Exits.)
PAPA BEAR: Let’s get a move on, family.
MAMA BEAR: It’s way past your bed time.
BABY BEAR: Ooo, can’t I stay up a little longer?

PAPA BEAR, MAMA BEAR, and BABY BEAR exit.

END OPTIONAL SCENE

ALICE: Curiouser and curiouser…

MAD HATTER: Wow! This was the best double trial ever!
CHESHIRE: Fun times!
ALICE: Now I’ve seen everything.
RED: I know! Granny and the Queen…
ALICE: Tell me about it!
 MICHAEL WEHRLI 39

DOPEY: Not bad for our first case! That was a fine bit of lawyering
there, Bashful.
BASHFUL: Aw, gee, thanks. Well done yourself, Dopey!
MAD HATTER: Cheshire Cat, does anything need… Re-arra—
EVERYONE: NO!
MAD HATTER: Bummer. Major bummer.
CHESHIRE: Time for me to grin and disappear…

CHESHIRE CAT smiles and “disappears.” EVERYONE reacts.

MAD HATTER: I love it when she does that! Hey, watch me

disappear! (Pulls hat down over his face and lets out a weird

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laugh.)
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QUEEN: I think we all should disappear! This story has gone on
quite long enough.

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Quick blackout.
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THE END
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NOTES:

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NOTES:
LAW AND DISORDER
By Michael Wehrli

Type: Short Play, Youth Theater

Genre: Comedy
Duration: 40 minutes
Cast: 5-8 females, 4-6 males, 6-11 either (15-25 total cast)
Flexibility: gender flexible

Wonderland is having the trial of the century and everyone’s

invited! What’s at stake? The infamous B. B. Wolf has been
accused of destroying all three of the pigs’ homes and dear
old Granny of Red Riding Hood fame is suspected of stealing
the Queen of Hearts’ tarts. Never has such scandal rocked
the world of Wonderland! From B. B Wolf’s brother to the
three little pigs to a loquacious scientist, it’s a mad and
frantic search for justice!