THE LADYBIRD BOOK OF REAL

MILITARY CHARACTERS*

* HONEST, THEY EXIST. PROBABLY.

 This Gary, a SNCO. He has been working in
Information Operations for 15 years and is
hugely experienced. He speaks several
languages, has done six op tours and has a PhD
in Psychology.

He is briefing Captain Caridgan-Fitzbadly, who

knows the grand total of 5% of Gary’s job, but
thinks he can do all of it 100% better. He has
some proposals that he’d like to share, even
though Gary would much rather smear his nads
in jam and sit next to a wasp’s nest.

Gary is nodding politely at Captain Cardigan-

Fitzbadly’s weapons-grade lunatic ideas. They
would probably land everyone in jail if ever they
were implemented. Gary is silently thinking
Cardigan-Fitzbadly is thicker than monkey spunk.
 This is CGS and the ASM talking about
ideas for a Christmas video, in order to
wish everyone well.

They have decided to gaff it off after

seeing the absolute howler CAS did with
the CASWO. Neither CGS nor the ASM
think it is a good idea to do something
similar, as they may not convey the
message they quite honestly and
sincerely intend. They presume that CAS
just brain-farted that out at the last
minute. No wonder he got memed.

The MA is walking off to get a better

phone signal, so that he can call the AAC
and arrange CGS’ visit to Ex CERBERUS
 This is Barry. He’s a QM and a really
good one too, because he actually
believes stores are for issuing and not
for storing.

Barry is utterly threaders with people

planning exercises and forgetting to
speak to him well in advance of
STARTEX. He is convinced they think he
is a cross between Deliveroo and
Amazon Prime, with a collection of
magic wands to get the kit needed.

He wants to join a unit where all the

bods rock around in North Face, as that
is much easier to get hold of at short
notice. That’s after he’s told all the staff
in his current unit to get a fucking grip
and then do one.
 This is Whizzer, Wolfy and the other
one. They are ‘Typhoon mates’ to
anyone in the RAF who never goes
within 50 miles of a plane.

They like the fact that people who don’t

fly planes in the RAF regard meeting one
of them as akin to an audience with the
Pope.

They are chuffed, because the RAF have

said they want to take the lead in space,
just because Whizzer and chums work a
few miles closer to it than anyone else.

They don’t have any space ships, so

they’re going to have as much chance of
getting there as the Army and Navy.
This is Bob from the Navy. He is with Mary
from the Army and Martin from the RAF.
They are on a break from a joint capability
planning meeting. The meeting has not
gone very well. Everyone was getting cross
at Bob for turning up with some carriers
and saying ‘here’s one we made earlier
that you all have to pay for’.

Bob is merrily telling Mary and Martin that

they might as well swivel for any share of
the dosh, as the carriers cost a fuck-tonne
and no one cares what they think anyway.
Mary and Martin are getting even more
annoyed at Bob.

Mary silently hopes the carrier breaks

down, whilst Martin really likes Bob’s hat
and pipe. He wants one too.
This is Hugo. He’s an absolute thrusting
knobber of an SO2, with a colossal ego.
No-one will sit by Hugo in the Mess
during lunch, as he is so irritating.

All the SO3s call Hugo ‘two shits’,

because if you’ve had a shit, he’s had
two and is so full-on he doesn’t wipe.

The SO2s try to never say anything in

front of Hugo, as he takes their ideas
and snorkels around the SO1s with
them.

Hugo likes to be the only car on the

track. So the SO1s clubbed together and
bought him a Scalextric to make him
shut the fuck up.
 This is Baz and Fatboy in the REME LAD.
There was nothing wrong whatsoever
with the Brigade Commander’s car when
it was bought in, but they decided to take
it apart for shits and giggles anyway.

They are now proper fucked. Baz told

Fatboy he fancied his mum, so Fatboy
rubbed his cock around the rim of Baz’s
coffee mug without him knowing. When
Baz found out after finishing his brew, he
threw two pipes, some bolts and a funny
cog thing at Fatboy, but missed. These
make the engine work and they now
can’t find the bits.

The Brigade Commander would now like

his car ready in half an hour for his career
interview meeting with the General,
which is about 50 miles away.
This is Kelly, a JNCO from G2. She knows
her shit inside out. She lived in the
country everyone is now deployed in
before she joined the Army. She is also
fluent in the lingo and speaks all its
dialects.

Kelly is briefing on the enemy threat. No-

on believes her because they have all
been to Staff College and studied wars
and stuff. They all think they’re the
reincarnation of Clausewitz.

An argument breaks out over the brief.

The staff are still arguing when the
enemy paras Kelly was trying to warn
them about turn up and start lobbing
grenades into the tent.
This is Tarquin. He’s a Consultant. He is
contracted to present ideas on how
Defence can transform without really
trying. He is charging squillions for the
privilege.

He knows the square root of cock all

about the military, but his PowerPoint is
the best in the world. Noone can touch
him on that front. But he cannot
understand why he was called a
‘fucktard’ for proposing submarines
should be painted in MTP colours, so
that the Army could use them on land.

Even Hugo thinks he’s an utter throbber.

Which is really saying something.
This is Marcus. He’s in the Navy. No-one
in the Army knows if he is important or
what he even does in the Fleet Air Arm.
They don’t understand a word he says in
‘Matelot speak’, even when he insists
on using it 75 miles from the sea. They
think he just spies on them for Bob and
the Admiral during meetings at JHC.

The Admiral has a day off, but has

insisted Marcus come and visit him for
his latest debrief.

Marcus is looking down at the Admiral

and admiring his new fishing rod, whilst
he tells him how he wound up some
wank-spangle with a dit about
camouflaged subs during a Mess coffee
morning.
 This is Roger, who decided to do
Defence Acquisition after 20 years
servicing fruit machines at a casino in
Brighton during his spare time. This
gives him the perfect background to buy
stuff in the Digital Age.

Roger is expert at running tedious three

hour team meetings to explore the
difference between a well-thought out,
considered and costed plan and those
which someone downloaded from
Reddit. He doesn’t understand any of
the stupid acronyms people use and
once asked when he could play and egg
banjo.

Roger thinks Force Protection involves

fitting a condom against the will of the
recipient. He is proper comedy value.
This is Lee. He is an imagery Analyst. He
sits in a bunker and can look at all sorts
of pictures and tell you exactly what is
there and going on. Even from, like, a
billion miles away or something.

Lee’s never sees the sun. His skin is so

pale he looks like a Vampire. Lee’s eyes
ache at the end of every day looking at
pictures in work. He continually
wonders if binge-watching Pornhub and
warp-speed masturbation in the
evenings is making it worse.

Lee is off to buy more tissues and hand

cream. He will later think about
transferring to a role where he actually
sees daylight during the day.
 This is Gavin. He’s an awe-inspiring
teeth-arm type who can out run, out
gun and out fight anyone. He is now
responsible for delivering cutting edge
CIS, which is so critical that if it goes
wrong anywhere we’re well fucked. The
closest Gavin came to CIS previously
was ordering a USB stick from Amazon.
Gavin is with Janet. She has an MSc in
Computer Science, can program in
Python, knows every part of the Electro
Magnetic Spectrum and could do
calculus when she was three years old.
Janet should have got Gavin’s job but
was told he was more qualified. Every
day she has to tell Gavin how to fit his
USB in his laptop. She wants to make
friends with people in Microsoft and
meet the HR person.
 This is Melvin. He is a Company
Commander who works in Cyber. Or
Artificial Intelligence. Or something
sneaky. He’s actually not sure, except it
is all techy, things go ‘bleep’ and it is
apparently the future.

He is a proper bluffer, as he got the job

quoting smart arse comments from
Computer Weekly in order to impress
his 2nd RO. His bluff was called when a
reservist Lance Corporal, who runs IT
Security for a major US bank in his day
job, had to tell him that the Cloud isn’t
actually a real cloud at all and he was to
stop using his binnos to look in the sky
for it. All in front of the CO.

The CO now only trusts Melvin to

change the TV channels in the Mess.
 This is Leonard. He’s an academic who
has been asked to help develop new
concepts with the grownups. The old
concepts work fine, but the grownups
still want new ones.

Leonard is chuffed at being asked to do

this, as it gives him big kudos with other
academics. His ideas on ‘retrograde
non-linear agility in the temporal
battlespace’ sound really convincing and
clever.

Leonard is hoping he keeps getting

invited to the party, as he can then big-
time Walt it on the lecture circuit and
get one over on some of the Cumpers
there.
 This is Liam. He spent years nicking other
people’s ideas when he was serving and
claiming the good ones as his own. He is
bezzas with Hugo and is now working in
Defence Industry.

Liam is bricking it, as he convinced his new

company to invest £100m in capabilities
which Leonard’s concept suggested were
needed, even though Bob has nicked all
the dosh and no-one even knows if the
concept will ever get endorsed.

Liam will not stop bothering his old military

colleagues for an update. They have nearly
all now blocked his emails and calls.
 This is Dave. He is a Big Badge. The
soldiers admire and respect him. The
officers fear him.
Dave believes any and all
transformation activity should be driven
by common sense and pragmatism, as
everyone gets taught that no plan
survives first contact with the enemy
and things tend to go to shit quite
quickly after that.
He likes to take his pace stick and ram it
through the officers’ ears, so that he can
ride them round the parade square like
a Harley Davidson when he hears them
quoting some bollocks from Leonard in
the belief it will work
He doesn’t actually shove his pace stick
anywhere, but in truth he’d really like
to.
 This is Arthur. He is a capability
Requirements Manager.

Arthur keeps trying to deliver stuff to

fight wars. He’d get there if the people
involved didn’t keep moving the goal
posts and changing their minds over
what was needed every other
Wednesday.

Arthur is getting exasperated telling the

customer that what they want actually
defies the laws of physics. He believes it
is probably easier to try and change the
laws themselves. The conversations are
always particularly hard after people
watch Marvel Avengers or Mission
Impossible, because then the new ideas
get well fucking stupid.
This is Ginge, Toddy, Gaz, Brick-built and
Eight-Inch. Fingers is off to the right.
They thought Leonard’s concept was
festering elephant shit and the
capability from Liam’s company so bad,
a bunch of psychotic Brownies would
have binned it. They really like the big
fuck-off gun Arthur got them and are
putting absolute fuck-tonnes of ammo
on top of targets Kelly told them about.
Gary is making sure the enemy keep
getting head-fucked and Gavin is going
to come along later for a cabbie. He’ll
let Janet know how it goes, as she
unfucked the CIS mess. Hugo was kept
on rear party, Cardigan-Fitzbadly made
an ADC and Melvin sent to Staff College.
Someone did a massive cock and balls
and inserted it into Tarquin’s
PowerPoint brief