Professional Documents
Culture Documents
A Psychologist's List of The 6 Most Common Mistakes We Make in Relationships - by Niklas Göke - Oct, 2020 - Medium
A Psychologist's List of The 6 Most Common Mistakes We Make in Relationships - by Niklas Göke - Oct, 2020 - Medium
You have 1 free member-only story left this month. Upgrade for unlimited access.
If your wife asked you to give a podcast interview with not just her but also
your ex-;ancée, who happens to be a psychologist, how would you
respond?
Andy Levine faced this exact question, and even though it sounds like a
great way to blow your marriage, he said yes. Andy has been married to
Sharleen Joynt, an opera singer and former Bachelor contestant, for ;ve
years.
She’s a true “bottomless pit of wisdom,” as Sharleen describes her. Here are
the 6 most common mistakes Margie sees us make in dating and love — and
how to avoid them so your relationship can thrive.
WRITTEN BY
Niklas Göke
In other words: You can’t ;nd true love before you truly love yourself.
Your life will never be perfect, and you can’t exactly time when you’ll meet
“the one,” but until you feel genuinely satis;ed with your life as is — your
work, your health, your non-romantic relationships — that should be the
baseline you’re working towards, not “let me get a partner who can ;x it.”
“Everybody knows what that feels like — when you arrive within yourself
and you’re living in the heart of who you are. You start to attract the right
people and things. And if you’re not there, you know it too, and so give
yourself the time to get there,” Margie says. Amen.
conflict
Sticking with the hiking metaphor, when you walk alone in the woods, a
narrow path will suSce. If you walk next to your partner, however, the two
of you will need a wider track. To stay together, you must ;nd a new way —
a way neither of you might have chosen on your own.
How you do this matters less than that you do it, she says:
“I’m not saying you need to sit down as two zen masters and just share your
feelings. No, you can have a blowout Fght, do whatever, but is it productive?
Are you able to get somewhere new and resolve things that are not working?”
“What is the relationship asking of us?” is the key question here, Margie
says.
Your relationship should grow, not contract, after each ;ght. For it to do so,
you need the words “I’m sorry.” You need empathy, patience, and humility.
You need to ;nd the path with enough space for both of you, and while it
may not always be the fastest, it’ll be the one on which your relationship
can last.
In fact, if you’re constantly frustrated that people aren’t who you need them
to be, you should evaluate whether you actually love them, Margie says.
“That’s not really love, that’s gratiFcation. Love is about loving somebody
who’s not exactly who you need them to be and loving them anyway.”
Or, in Andy’s words: “Fixer-upper is for houses, not people.” If your partner
wants to change, that’s an eXort you can support, but it’s not for you to
decide when, how, and why other people evolve. That just leads to
entitlement, grati;cation, and manipulation. The exception to the rule?
Lead by example:
“If you’re willing to change yourself, you can change the relationship — and
thereby change the person. But that’s not because you changed them, it’s
because you allowed yourself to be part of that change.”
If your partner starts smoking and smoking is a no-go for you, you can
observe the situation for a while. You can see if they have a desire to stop
you can support, and you can try being accommodating to your partner’s
habit. Realistically, however, you can neither expect them to change nor
give up your principle. This might be a line in the sand you can’t overcome.
Don’t test how much your partner loves you. Don’t play child-like games.
Don’t expect them to take whatever you dish out, Margie says. It’s not fair.
You’re not a bad person for not laughing oX every stupid decision your
partner makes, and neither are they for not putting up with all your antics.
You’re two grown up people, living in the real world. Act like it.
Whatever problem you have in your relationship, when you talk about it,
you’re already working on it. Bring up important issues. The trick here is to
realize that anything is mentionable, as Mr. Rogers would say:
“If you live in the woods, and you get familiar with your neighborhood, you’re
like, ‘Oh, this is a place where there’s a snake. This is a place where there’s
poison ivy. This is a place where I’ll trip over this log every single time and
sprain my ankle.’ Eventually, you’re just like: ‘Oh, I can avoid all these things.’”
Not pushing your partner’s buttons is a good start, but you’ll also have to let
go of bigger issues — as long as they are not more important than the
relationship itself. Andy learned this in his relationship with Margie:
Your relationship will never be the only thing that matters in your life, but
you’ll face situations in which you must decide that it matters more than
anything else. Margie con;rms:
“You put the ‘We’ above the ‘I.’ At a certain point, you’re willing to say, ‘Even
though I’m angry, even though I’m hurt, this “We” is the cup that we both
drink from, and we want to keep it Flled. If I’m vengeful or spiteful, I’m not
going to have anything to drink. So let’s keep nourishing this cup.’”
Some problems must be solved. Most needn’t be. Protect your relationship.
For Andy, the “stuX that was miserable” led him to marrying Sharleen, a
relationship he describes as “so rock solid that I can have this memory lane
conversation with my ex-;ancée, and I know we’re not gonna have a ;ght
about this.”
You might not end up on a podcast with your spouse and ex-;ancée, but if
this rock-in-the-ocean kind of relationship is what you want, heed Margie’s
advice:
Like life, love ;nds a way. It might not send you the perfect partner
tomorrow, but if you avoid the biggest traps, it’ll soon ;nd it’s way to you
too.