If you’ve ever experienced bitterness and resentment, then you know that it is not

something worth carrying around all the time. It becomes a heavy burden that weighs
us down and isolates us. Forgiveness takes this away. Forgiveness kills bitterness
and resentment. Forgiving someone else is freeing. It allows us to break those
chains of thought that have been weighing us down. If you are not able to forgive
someone, it forever becomes something that you cannot bear. You will not be able to
think of that person or that particular circumstance the same again. When it does
come to mind, it becomes paralyzing. I’ve heard a lot of people say, “I always
forgive but I don’t ever forget”. To me, that says they don’t always forgive.
There’s an unending burden dwelling inside them. They’ve been scarred by something
and have not let go of that hurt that they have experienced. If they fully forgave
the offender, they would be free of that burden. If you've ever encountered anger
and bitterness, then you know it's not worth dragging around all the time. It is
becoming a heavy burden, weighing us down and isolating us. Forgiveness takes away
this. Forgiveness destroys anger and bitterness. It is liberating to forgive
someone else. It makes it possible for us to lift the chains of thinking that have
weighted us down. If you can't forgive anyone, it will forever become something you
can't take. You would not be able to think the same again about that person or that
particular situation. It becomes paralyzing when it comes to mind. A lot of people
have heard me say, "I always forgive, but I never forget." To me that says they're
not always forgiving. Dwelling within them is an unbearable burden. Something has
scarred them and they have not let go of the hurt they have endured. If they
forgave the victim entirely, they will be free of the duty.

"If you could lick my heart, it would poison you." This is how one person described
his bitterness toward those who hurt him. Researchers have concluded that
forgiveness plays an important role in emotional and physical well-being. Anger,
resentment and bitterness cause significant physical problems related to
cardiovascular disease, hypertension, high blood pressure and psychosomatic
illness. Bitterness should be understood as cherished resentments that give a false
feeling of retaliation and relief. We must come to terms with the fact that we hurt
ourselves and others when we refuse to let go of anger, resentment and bitterness.
But where can we find strength to forgive when we've been deeply hurt? Let's not
pretend forgiveness is always easy. Perhaps you have been hurt badly enough that
you feel it has poisoned your heart.Does it sound unrealistic when people talk
about forgiving and forgetting? If forgiveness means swallowing hard and letting
your offender off the hook or pretending the offense never occurred, who would
choose to forgive? One reason people have difficulty with forgiveness is that they
assume forgiving and reconciling are the same thing. Forgiveness does not require
an offended person to immediately restore a broken relationship. In some cases, it
is possible to forgive an offender without being reconciled to him. This is often
the only safe option in dealing with abusive relationships.

Remember that forgiveness is one thing; reconciliation another. Forgiveness occurs

in the context of a person's relationship with God apart from contact with her
offender. This is what Jesus meant when he said, "... whenever you stand praying,
forgive if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father also who is in
heaven may forgive you your transgressions." Years after his brothers mistreated
him and sold him into slavery, Joseph had risen to a powerful position in Egypt.
From his position, Joseph had opportunity to confront his brothers and they said
among themselves, "What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for
all the wrongs we did to him?" In fear, they came to Joseph and said that their
deceased father had requested that Joseph forgive his brothers the sins and the
wrongs they committed in treating him so badly. "Now please forgive the sins of the
servants of the God of your father," they pleaded. When their message came to
Joseph, he wept. He told his brothers not to fear and then asked, "Am I in the
place of God?" Joseph recognized a truth later summarized in the New Testament, "Do
not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is
written, 'It is mine to avenge, I will repay, says the Lord'"Joseph also refused to
yield ultimate control of his life to his offenders. He said, "You intended to harm
me, but God intended it for good to accomplish the saving of many lives." Joseph
had settled the matter of forgiveness in the context of his relationship with God
long before being reunited with his brothers. This gave Joseph freedom from the
bitterness that poisons the heart and destroys life. Joseph honored God as both
final judge and the one in ultimate control. The choice to forgive is not
contingent on the confession and repentance of an offender. Forgiveness is based on
God's forgiveness of our sins. God expects forgiven people to forgive and reminds
us that we will never forgive another human in proportion to his forgiveness of us.
Yet reconciliation with an offender is another matter. Restoring a broken
relationship is dependent upon an offender's acknowledgment of wrongdoing. When
such an acknowledgment is made, if the relationship has been significantly
violated, regaining trust and rebuilding relationship takes time. An offender must
demonstrate the sincerity of his confession by his attitudes and actions. If he
resents the need for time and demonstration, it may prove that his confession was
not genuine. Sometimes an offender will try to manipulate the person he offended by
claiming that her hesitancy to quickly "go back to things as normal" indicates a
lack of forgiveness. This offender should be told he is confusing forgiveness with
reconciliation. "Forgiveness" as one has written, "does not preclude the
enforcement of healthy and natural consequences on the offender." Some people "view
forgiveness as a cheap avoidance of justice, a plastering over of a wrong, a
sentimental make-believe. If forgiveness is a whitewashing of wrong, then it is
itself wrong." Restoring a broken relationship might involve such things as
restitution, a period of detachment and new boundaries for the relationship.
Forgiveness allows the process of reconciliation to be restorative rather than
retaliatory. But understanding it as a process distinct from forgiveness helps
people to forgive and frees them from a bitter heart.