lorraine pintus

jump off the hormone swing

PMS: Coping Strategies for Husbands
© 2010 by Dr. Peter and Lorraine Pintus
Does your wife sometimes:

 Go from happy to hysterical in two seconds flat?

 Fill your trash can with ice cream buckets and candy wrappers?

 Make irrational statements that seem to have no basis in reality?

 Flash you the don’t-even-go-there-buddy look for initiating sex?

 Display weather patterns (a cold front, a hot flash, a dense fog, a high pressure
system)

If so, it’s possible she has PMS and that you suffer from second-hand PMS.

What causes PMS? In the two weeks before her period, estrogen, which gives her
energy and a clear mind, and progesterone, which keeps her calm, swing up and down and
then several days before her period, sink to a very low level. The swing and subsequent
withdrawal of these hormones affects her body, her mind, her moods, even the way she
views herself and God.

Some husbands think PMS means Pack My Suitcase. But instead of running away
from your wife during PMS, if you stay by your her side and sensitively help her through the
hormone swing she will see you as her hero. Here are eight strategies to deal with the
challenging days.

1. Don’t take her words personally. When she jabs her finger into your chest and
shouts in your face that you are a hard-headed, selfish jerk don’t take it personally. Sure,
she says that you are the problem, you are the source of her rage, but truthfully it’s not
about you. It’s about her need to release the pent up tension in her hormonally charged
body.

To release hormonal tension a woman cries, consumes large amounts of chocolate,

or vents on her husband. She may say things like:

 “You never do anything nice for me like ____________’s husband.”

 “You are impossible to live with.”

 “You’ve ruined my life.” (Even though last week you were “the best husband in
the world.”)

Remember, the hormones that gave her peace and clarity of mind just left her body
but they will return. Let her words bounce off you like bullets ping off the chest of
Superman. After the “bullets” stop, pull her in your arms and tell her that you love her.
This tender move brings you to the next strategy.
 2. Let her cry. Tender, selfless acts on your part soften her heart and release her
tears, which is what she needs because a good cry for her is like good sex for you—it
releases tension and just feels pretty great.

Please note that I did not say “make her cry.” Under no circumstances should you do
anything to cause her tears. Instead, offer to watch a sad movie with her or request
something for dinner that requires a chopped onion, both of which will release tears. Or
exercise together because sweat, like tears, releases tension in her body.

3. Empathize. Your wife thinks that you cannot possibly understand the pain
throbbing in every cell of her body. You will appear brilliant to her if you simply agree,
“Honey, I can’t begin to know how hard PMS is for you.” This wins points. For extra points,
go to your book shelf, grab an amplified Bible, a dictionary, and four of the thickest
hardback books you can find. In her presence, place your hand on a table. Pile the books on
top of your hand and pound furiously on the top of the stack and groan, “I’m guessing that
during PMS, every part of your body feels like my hand.” Variations of this activity include
bending your index finger backwards until it almost breaks or whacking your head against a
wall while screaming, “I would guess PMS feels a bit like this.” If you can empathize with
her in a humorous—not mocking—tone, you’ll be her “super.” Although be forewarned:
what is funny to her under normal conditions may cause her to cry during PMS (which still
merits points because it activates Strategy Number Two).

4. Track her cycle. You put important events on your calendar—Super Bowl
parties and doctors appointments—PMS is an event that should be marked on your
calendar. Count three weeks out from the last day of your wife’s period, punch the date into
your phone or computer, and send yourself an alert. These are the days when hormones
erratically surge and withdraw, sending your wife’s emotions swinging. Your alert will
remind you to be extra sensitive in the days ahead.

5. Give her quiet space. Stress amplifies PMS. Rest and quiet ease stress.
Encourage her to stay home and read her favorite magazine while you run the kids to their
activities. Or try this: Place five lit candles around the bathtub. Fill the tub with warm sudsy
bubbles. Take your wife by the hand and lead her to her candlelit spa and say, “I am taking
the kids to McDonalds so you can have some time to yourself.” Just don’t let your
Superman cape get caught in the door on the way out.

6. Apply the Three Day Rule for volatile subjects. Every couple has “dynamite”
topics that create explosions—finances, or lack thereof; sex, or lack thereof; in-laws;
division of household chores; parenting styles; etc. During PMS these are your TNT
topics—Taboo—Not Today.

On a “good” day, work with your wife to create a TNT list. (She will love you for
taking the lead on this.) Then write and sign a contract saying you both agree not to discuss
these topics during volatile moments, but that you will revisit them in 72 hours. Place this
in an area where it can be retrieved. When she brings up a taboo subject at “that time of the
month,” lovingly say, “Sweet darling who gives life and meaning to my life, remember, this is
on our TNT list. You are right,” (pause here, you get major points) “we need to discuss this.
But as we agreed, let’s talk about it in 3 days.” She will press the issue because she secretly
seeks the release of tension that comes through but don’t go there. Distract her with
chocolate or an offer to help her clean something.
 7. Validate her. The drop in your wife’s hormones often creates a drop in self esteem.
During this time she needs extra affirmation. Tell her she’s beautiful. Tell her you appreciate all
she does. Tell her you can’t live without her.
Speak positive words only. Neutral words can be dangerous because PMS seems to affect a
woman’s hearing. During PMS, comments that normally wouldn’t cause offense suddenly feel like
a vicious attack to her. For example, the week before her period if you say, “You should get Karen’s
recipe for her lasagna,” she hears “You are a terrible cook, housecleaner, and lover.” If you say, “I
hope you feel better soon,” she hears, “Why can’t you get over being cranky and just get my shirts
ironed?” If you say, “Are we out of cereal?” she hears, “Drop whatever you are doing and run to
the store now.” When she overreacts to your innocent comments, never, never, NEVER say, “it
must be that time of the month,” because what you just said to her was, “Your thoughts and
opinions mean nothing right now because you are acting crazy.” This dismisses her which only
adds to her low self-esteem. Instead, practice safe speech.
Unsafe: Safe
“You’re speaking nonsense. “What you’re saying is so important. Can
It must be that time of the month.” I think about it and we can talk later?”

“You’re just moody right now because “I see you feel strong about this.” (then say nothing)
you have PMS.”

““Why isn’t dinner on the table?” “You work so hard. Can I take you out to dinner?”

“You look like you’ve been run over by a truck.” “Have you lost weight?”

“What did you do all day?” (As you survey “I have some time. How can I help you?”
the messy house)

“Good grief, woman. Just get over it.” “You aren’t normally like this. You’ll be back
to your old self in a few days.”

Your wife doesn’t want to be fixed. She doesn’t want her irrational behavior and extreme
moods pointed out. She just wants to know that when she is at her worst, even then, she has value
and worth in your eyes.
8. Remember Your Vows. You vowed before God and other witnesses to love your wife
for better or for worse. When PMS makes things worse see this as an opportunity to be Christ to
her, to love, accept and serve her for those few days until “worse” passes and “better” returns.
Working through her hormone swing with patience and long-suffering has the potential to
build character in you and create a deeper love between the two of you. Ask God to give you
strength to live with her in an understanding way and you will continue to be her hero.

©Lorraine Pintus, 2010