" L e a r n a l l yo u c a n f r o m t h e

m i s ta k e s o f o t h e r s . Y o u w o n ' t h av e
t i m e t o m a k e t h e m a l l yo u r s e l f . ”
 4
Contents

Why I Wanted to Produce This Book

How to Use This Book

There May Be Trouble Ahead 10

Be Somebody 14
No Compare 16
Lost in Wonder 18
Emergency Use Only 22
From Wreckage to Restoration 25
Leadership is Relational 28
Bombs, Bullets & Bigotry 30
I Wish I Had Known 33
We See Through A Glass Door Dimly 36
A Quiet Word for Introverts 39
Beauty & the Beast 42
Running on Empty 45
Pass it On 48
It Doesn’t Fit 51
Playing with Porn 53
Come Out of the Christian Cocoon 56
Pray & Reflect 59
Hope Floats 62
 5
A Difficult Place to Be 65
Big 67
God Can Act as the First Resort 70
Wrong Choices 73
Good to Talk 76
Tears & Laughter 80
Friends 84
Disintegrated Anticipation 87
Become a Monk 90
The Great Pretender 92
Dig Up That Buried Talent 95
Lucky Break 98
Losing A Parent 101
Painful 104
What Happens When You Hit The Wall? 107
Rebel With A Cause 110
Marriage Breakdown 112
Don’t Eat More Food Than You Can Lift 115
Languages of Love 118
Reading the Gauge 121
Avoiding Tragedy 124
06
WHY I WANTED TO PRODUCE THIS BOOK
JOHN KEE, DIRECTOR OF SUMMER MADNESS

‘Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won’t have
time to make them all yourself.’ Alfred Sheinwold

This book really came about from wanting to pass on to my own

children some of what I think I’ve learnt along the way – often
the ‘hard’ way. I hoped that my kids could avoid much of that
same bumpy road. Then I realised that many others could also of-
fer more and better insights and ‘hindsights’ than I have yet even
to grasp and that the potential audience was wider than my own
family. So I went and asked a range of people if they would share
some of those experiences. I read a quote from Sylvester Stal-
lone – yeah, he’s right there in the book of Ecclesiastes ;-) – which
summed up my thinking quite well:

‘It would be great to be able to pass on to someone all of the suc-

cesses, the failures, and the knowledge that one has had. To help
someone avoid all the fire, pain and anxiety would be wonderful.’

So, this book is about learning from other people’s experiences;

not just their wonderful successes but perhaps more importantly
their mistakes. It’s about recognising that failure is an inevitable
part of the human experience and that the Christian life is not
about perfection but it’s about progress. We shouldn’t be too
afraid of failure. After all, ‘Fallor ergo sum’ (‘I err therefore I am’),
said St Augustine. This most celebrated early Christian theolo-
gian was essentially saying that failure is the very stuff of being
human. St Paul in Romans 7 describes his passionate desire to live
fully in God’s will yet recognising the ongoing inner struggle to
do so and in the middle of it all learning to rely on God’s grace and
His encouragement to keep moving forward by His Spirit.
 07
When it comes to dealing with difficulties, disappointments and
failures you’ll find so many stories providing great wisdom in
the Bible and you’ll discover that the advice given is immensely
useful in every area of life: the worlds of business, politics and
finance as well as personal relationships and spiritual life. How-
ever, sometimes in church we find this dressed up in language
that can seem a bit remote to everyday life; but I hope that you
will pick up from the stories in this book that the whole idea of
‘wisdom’ is very practical and fulfilling.

John 10:10 in The Message says that Jesus came that we can have
‘real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed
of.’ Now that doesn’t mean that it will always be a bed of roses.
Sometimes we are inclined to paint a very simplistic picture of
what living a Christian life is all about and even give the impres-
sion that it is always about doing better and constantly making
progress. Those in church leadership naturally find it difficult to
acknowledge their own struggles or failures and so I’d like to com-
mend all those who accepted this challenge to share some of the
‘hindsight’ that they have accumulated over the years to give you
the chance to jump-start your own learning. They have taken the
time and effort to put down in a very short space just one or two
things that they hope will be of value to you.

‘If you want to know the road ahead - ask those coming back’,
goes a Chinese Proverb. So, as you think about who you are, what
you will become and where you are headed, do consider these
valuable comments from a seasoned group of people – who are
walking the same road as yourself, who can give you some tips
about dead-ends and roadblocks.
08
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

You could read the book (it’s short enough) in one sitting, or dip
into it as you please but I’d like to suggest that it might be most use-
ful if you read one per day over 40 days and shared your thoughts
and reflections with a few others around you. I don’t mean that it
should be necessarily within your formal youth group/fellowship
meeting. Make it a commitment just to have a conversation with
one or two friends each week about what really struck you from
the previous days of hindsight that you’ve read.

‘A mentor is someone whose hindsight can become your foresight.’

Peter Drucker

Let the authors be your mentors for those 40 days and then learn
to gain insight and understanding from others as well, those that
you observe around you. Make it a habit, ask yourself frequently
what you can learn from what’s going on in the lives of others and
of course from those in the Biblical narrative. Be sure to share it
with others, the Christian walk is not a solo one.

As you read, please do remember that we are all called to go further

than just the words on the page. The Bible talks about the differ-
ence between ‘hearing’ the Word of God and ‘doing’ it, so bear in
mind that there may be some action required as you absorb this
wisdom. Try putting some of it into practice.

We can all look back at the path we have taken, the experiences
we’ve accumulated and try to learn from them. At least that way
we are more likely to begin to shape our future; not simply predict
it. When you are in a desert and trying to reach some distant oasis,
there is only one sure way of knowing where you are headed, look
back and check if your footsteps are carrying you in a straight line.
09
Use life’s challenges to grow in faith
 011
M
any years ago, when phones were attached to the wall,
all children read ‘comics’. A comic is a visual medium
used to express ideas via images, often combined with
text. Imagine the comic book store in ‘Big Bang Theory’. My fave
comic was Rover and Wizard – not a superhero mag. It featured
war and sports and mostly silly nonsense, but one story has lin-
gered in my head for over forty years.

It was a story of a Scottish youth hundreds of years ago who was

about to inherit the family estate. To gain the inheritance this
young man (let’s call him Angus, since he was Scottish) would
have to defeat a big bad guy in a series of challenges: tossing the
caber, wrestling and weight lifting etc. Angus had the choice of
fighting the bad guy himself or finding someone to fight on his
behalf. The story then unfolded week by week as Angus toured
the Highlands looking for the strongest, the fastest and the brav-
est. Aside from the hardships of the adventure, Angus also had
to challenge each of the people he sought. As the weeks went by I
could see that Angus was getting stronger and braver himself. He
also overcame all the heroes he was hoping to recruit. Eventually
the time came for Angus to go home and face his challenger him-
self because no-one had proved himself worthy. He reluctantly
accepted the challenge himself. In my mid-fifties I still admire
Angus.

The early challenges in my life were the usual male ones – facial
hair, school, friends, further study, training, job, career, money,
car, love and romance, moving away from home, being popular,
hearing the call of God, the challenges of living in a sex-driven
society, money, consumerism, materialism, politics … good grief, it
is a miracle any of us survived. Compared to all of that being fifty-
six may not be that bad!

But getting there was no easier. Singleness and marriage are full
012
of challenges. Having and raising children should be incredibly
demanding. There are health challenges ahead. There will be
relational dark valleys and sunlit mountaintops. Jobs come and
go with all the insecurity of not knowing what next, while still
having financial responsibilities. Just when you have become
relaxed about your facial hair (both genders) you have to live it
all over again as the children buy a bic razor. Ageing parents, be-
reavement, life-threatening illnesses, accidents, family members
making bad decisions and the constant ins-and-outs of the tides
of faith make life in the middle years even more challenging.

Is there any good news in this at all, I hear you murmur.

Back to Angus, or rather, to Jesus. The challenges are not the real
challenge, but rather what we do with the challenges. Believe
that:

Following Jesus is always best.

God never guarantees trouble-free life.
Trouble is not punishment.
Circumstances, even if they do not change, are not the greater
than your faith.
You can be an Angus – what you do now will make you stronger.

When you are pressed down, make sure you are pressed down
onto your knees. When you are down there see who else is there
too and give them a hand up.

My dad quoted the ‘shipyard Bible’ to me constantly as I grew

up: ‘The day I was beat … I wasn’t there!’ My mother preferred
St Paul: ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.’
There may be trouble ahead. It does not have to define who you
are but it can contribute to who you become.
 013

What we see depends mainly on what we are looking for

- Sir John Lubbock
don’t miss the point by pleasing others
 015
M
onday mornings and the 6th form common room would
be buzzing with weekend gossip – stories of drunken
exploits, Saturday night punch-ups and sexual encoun-
ters would filter down the corridors. Each week someone would
become a hero in the sight of the entire 6th form.

In my late teens I wasn’t following Jesus and I felt the pressure

to ‘be somebody’, to be accepted by my peers and welcomed into
the Common Room hall of fame. All it took was a few acts of
stupidity and you could be redefined in the eyes of your year
group. And so I obliged and for a brief Monday morning I was
accepted.

At 18, I recommitted my life to Jesus. I started going to church

again regularly, hanging out with the Christian Union at
University and socialising with fellow believers. The pressure
to commit drunken exploits was subsiding but I found myself
struggling with a different kind of peer pressure. I started to
become defined by how often I had a devotional time, by how
regularly I went to church meetings and by the rules which I
imposed upon myself. I began to want to ‘be somebody’ in the
eyes of the Church. I would feel really lousy for days every time
I made a mistake. I was being defined by the way people saw me.

Looking back at my journey so far, I see how much I have tried

to be somebody for others rather than being who God has called
me to be. I have too often been defined by what I do rather than
by what Jesus has done.

We all experience peer pressure to fit in. There is often peer

pressure to do what our friends outside the church are doing.
But there is also sometimes peer pressure, to be somebody that
we are not, within Church circles too. It is based on this belief
that we need to please others in order to be loved.
016

c o m pa r i n g yo u r s e l f to ot h e r s i s a wa s t e o f t i m e

I
t’s that time of the year again when I need to insure my car.
I’m looking for the best deal and I’m confronted with a host of
comparison websites that boast a guarantee of the best price.
These websites claim to search through all the leading companies
to find me the ultimate bargain.

When I was growing up comparison websites didn’t exist as the

Internet hadn’t even been invented! While I couldn’t search the
web for the best car insurance, I still spent a lot of wasted time
with pointless comparisons – comparing my weaknesses against
other people’s strengths, my talents against friends’ abilities, my
appearance against my peers, my grades against the marks of
other students. The cult of comparison has always been around
even polluting the first family God ever created. Adam and Eve
had two beautiful boys called Cain and Abel. The lads were to
bring an offering to God and because He rejected one offering
and accepted another murder ensued with Cain killing Abel in a
deep bout of jealousy and rejection – needless comparison led to
pointless killing.

I’m glad to tell that with all the comparing I used to do I never
ended up killing anyone, but the reality was that a lot of stuff
 017
died in me – because I believed others could run faster than me I
wouldn’t run the race; if I thought someone was more musical I
would lay down my instrument and if I imagined that someone
knew more I would say less. There was a King in the Bible called
Saul who God had chosen, but even with the knowledge that the
Maker of the universe really valued him, deep insecurities robbed
him of his destiny. He became terrified of someone much younger
than him called David. One day when the local women starting
tweeting a line of comparison, ‘Saul has killed his thousands and
David his ten’s of thousands,’ he erupted in jealousy and rage try-
ing to kill David the unnecessary object of contrast.

If all we do in life is waste time focused on others we’ll never dis-

cover who we really are. One wise man said this: ‘There are two
great days in a person’s life – the day they’re born and the day
they find out why!’ I knew I had a ‘birth’ day and would celebrate
it once every year, but during my teenage years I slowly discov-
ered I had a ‘why’ day and I now get to celebrate that every day!
Only God can truly introduce us to our true selves and it’s in Him
that we begin to discover why we were made. I started to realize
that the more I concentrated on God the less I would compare
myself with others. The result is transformational and produces a
win-win scenario as you get to be yourself and then you’re secure
enough to cheer others’ gifts and talents on!

This verse has really helped me connect my ‘birth’ day with my

‘why’ day: ‘For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus
to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.’
(Ephesians 2:10)

God designed me, crafted me and has a unique purpose for me and
it’s exactly the same for you! Reality is that you make a great you,
but a terrible somebody else. So realizing this let’s focus on God,
discover ourselves and celebrate others.
18

don’t speed through life

 19
I
t was Brennan Manning who said: ‘We get so preoccupied
with ourselves, the words we speak, the plans and projects we
conceive that we become immune to the glory of creation.  We
barely notice the cloud passing over the moon or the dewdrops
clinging to the rose leaves ... We miss the experience of awe, rev-
erence, and wonder.’

Recently I was sitting on a train travelling through the English

countryside looking at all the beauty around me. I was struck by
the fact that it all passed by so quickly, the train sped along and
my view kept changing. It felt very symbolic of life, the view ap-
pears to change a lot, we move on quickly, from one scene to the
next. As I look back, in hindsight I wish I had stopped the train of
life more often and got off to take a moment of reflection, not just
breezing through the scenery but actually stopping, enjoying it,
taking it in and standing in wonder.

I remember going on a mission team to Kenya. We had a day off

to go on safari and on that day we charged around the bush look-
ing for rhinos and other animals, ticking off our list of things we
could see and then trying to film everything for posterity; it was a
crazy day and I have lots of great photos that I never look at and
probably a video of the day on a cassette in the loft! I went on the
same trip the following year and this time I forgot my camera.
Now when it came to our day for safari I was distressed, but then
I realized that I could enjoy the moment more by just being in it
rather than filming it. To this day I remember things about that
second safari that I never noticed on the first: the heat, the way
the clouds trailed off into the distance, the magnificence of the
giraffes, the rhino coming out from some undergrowth and the
mad reversing manoeuvre our guide made so that we could see it!
The second time I fully experienced the safari – I was lucky I got
another chance at it. Most of the time we only get one chance at
20
an experience and it would be better to be fully present in that
moment rather than observing it behind a lens.

I lived in Spain for a number of years and would often drive

along the Mediterranean cost line, in my air-conditioned car with
sun glasses on and the music blaring. I remember one day being
struck by the thought that we often travel through life like this.
In my car I couldn’t really feel the outside heat, with my glasses
on I couldn’t really see the natural colours and with my music on
I couldn’t really hear the sounds outside my window! I was there
but I wasn’t really there.

We can protect ourselves from real experiences or try to capture

that experience on electronic devices to the point were we don’t
truly experience it.

I wish I had stopped more often, looked up, breathed in, inhaled
the smells, felt the heat and absorbed all that was around me, that
I had taken more time to enjoy the experience and the creator
who provided it.

When I was young I was driven, I was in a hurry, I wanted to

achieve, I wanted to make up time for a misspent youth, I wanted
to get somewhere, I wanted to make my mark; in hindsight I
wish I had tailored that drive to allow for moments where I just
stopped and reflected.

There’s a song about being lost in wonder, I don’t really think that
happens as much as we would like. I can glimpse moments in a
meeting, singing a song and feeling God’s presence but the reality
is we are more likely to become lost in wonder when we stop,
look up, and enjoy the life and moments that God provides for us
as part of our journey. I wish I had learned to appreciate the life I
 21
was already in, rather than straining for the one I didn’t yet have.

My advice would be – pause more, reflect more. It says in the

Bible: ‘Be still and know that I am God’. Too often we are not very
still and we try to be God.

Don’t speed through life, take time out, holidays and weekends
are important. Moments are important, friends are important,
family is important; don’t miss birthdays or anniversaries, don’t
spend all your money on home improvements when you could
create great memories by spending it on an experience! The
concept of Sabbath is important, but if you work for a church I
guarantee you that Sabbath is not Sunday - find time to practice
Sabbath.

Stop, look up, and appreciate the moment more often. Life speeds
up, so please, learn how to slow it down, get lost in wonder.

Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

- Winston Churchill
22
EMERGENCY
USE ONLY
Jesus takes you as you are

M
y story is about the easiness of falling into reliance on
credit and the consequences of that when life takes
unexpected turns. I’ve written it in the form of a short
diary:

Feb 2001
At the airport. Just got the best present for my new nephew: a
huge, big, cute, stuffed rabbit. It was free when I applied for a
credit card. Not like I’ll use the card, just keep it for emergencies,
it’ll be handy to have. Besides, the rabbit is SO CUTE!

Oct 2002
Picked up the keys for our first home today, have loads to buy but
can get things cheap, maybe use the credit card or ‘buy now, pay
later’.

Nov 2003
Getting married = STRESS.
Everything costs so much, this is meant to be a budget wedding.
I suppose we should have saved more. I’ve used the credit card.
Just can’t wait for the honeymoon!
 23
Nov 2005
Hello to our beautiful baby daughter, so perfect in every way …
but blooming heck nappies are expensive! Decided to get a new
credit card, once maternity leave is over we can sort out these
finances.

Sep 2007
The other half has been made redundant and I’m still waiting for
surgery … we’ll have to add money onto the mortgage, bit wor-
ried.

June 2010
IT’S A BOY! Our second child. I wish money wasn’t such a con-
stant worry but our family is complete – we can knuckle down
and sort it out.

August 2010
AN AFFAIR! 14 years together, nearly seven years married, our
boy only a couple of months old and I find out he’s having an
affair. He’s gone, I’m alone, two children to support and I can’t
afford the bills. Nobody knows about the debt, I’m so ashamed.
What sort of mother am I to have got into this mess? There isn’t
even anything to show for it, how did this happen? What am I
going to do?

September 2010
I broke down and told my sister about the debt. She gave me a
number for CAP – ‘Christians Against Poverty’, probably total do-
gooders who’ll look down their nose at me but I’ve phoned them
anyway, I have no choice, I’m desperate.
24
OcT 2010
My third CAP visit is done … they prayed, I cried with relief. I
think I can do this, just stick to the budget it will work.
I got myself in this mess and I have to get out of it.

May 2011
CAP weekend away it’s just hit me … ‘Jesus takes me as I am.’
I’m a broken, messed up, lonely, hurt, a single mum of two who
makes mistakes and feels like a failure but Jesus wants me just as
I am. How amazing is that?! No I’ll never be ‘good enough’ to be a
Christian because nobody is ‘good enough’. ‘Please Lord, take me
as I am, I can come no other way.’

Feb 2014
It seems like every month something goes wrong with the house
or car but I thank God for CAP and the budgeting system which
means I’m surviving. Every day I thank God for bringing me
through the trials and making me strong enough to cope. I know
that he is my Cornerstone, my Rock, and my Anchor and he paid
my debt on the cross.

My budget is tight but if only I had budgeted 15 years ago! If I
had known then what I know now, if only I had known that
card wouldn’t be ‘for emergencies only’, if I had something like a
CAP money course to teach me how to manage finances, if I had
known Proverbs 22:7. One thing I do know now, because I cling
to it daily, is Jeremiah 29:11: ‘For I know the plans I have for you,’
declares the Lord, ‘Plans to give you hope and a future’.

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
- Albert Einstein
W
riting about failures is hard but good. Hard, because
I’m like most others, and like people to think well
of me. Good, like one of those restoration shows
on Channel 4 where an ambitious couple buy an old ruin and
spend a fortune putting it right. The journey from desolate
wreck to desirable residence makes for great TV – but it’s God’s
big business in the world today, and it continues to happen for
me.

My personal wreck came when I learned how to be a bigot.

It was the 70s, and things in Northern Ireland were difficult.
Murder was pretty much routine, to the point where I didn’t re-
ally fully notice it. Like an irritating bruise or sprain, it seemed
like we just adjusted ourselves to a more comfortable position
when the jabbing pain of another killing hit the headlines.

My friend John and I got to know each other at school. When

we did our A levels, we both went to Queen’s, he to do Law, and
26
I to study Business and Accounting. We graduated on the same
day in June 1979. I headed to Scotland to start my studies in The-
ology to become a Presbyterian minister. John started working in
a legal firm in Belfast as a trainee Solicitor.

On 5th October 1979, John was murdered by the IRA. He was

shot dead while riding his old Honda motorbike away from a
Police Station in Belfast where he had been delivering some legal
papers.

I was far away in Aberdeen when I got the news. You can prob-
ably imagine my reactions: tears, anger, hatred, bewilderment,
self-pity; the lot. It was an awful time.

So where did I fail? I failed because I took my cues about how to

react to this event, not from God but from other people – them-
selves damaged and bitter from their own experiences - and like
an aggressive tumour growing inside me, my sense of loss came
to define me. I realised that I was a bigot, and I liked it. I liked dis-
missing Catholicism and lambasting Irish Republicanism and de-
spising the IRA. I considered all of these things to be Satan’s work,
and justified my views by reference to my own loss. I listened to
preachers who confirmed my feelings. I read books to bolster my
arguments. And I believed I was sharing God’s outrage. I was do-
ing this for Him.

What changed? I need to say that these attitudes aren’t dislodged

easily. Bigotry is not a series of nasty thoughts you can dismiss –
it is a deeply rooted attitude which must be put to death. Funda-
mentally things changed because of a gradual, sustained, personal
encounter with the Bible which God the Holy Spirit used like a
sharp blade in a surgeon’s hand to heal me. And in particular, the
Bible was opened this way to me, by first one and then another
mentor who generously insisted that we read it together. Specifi-
 27
cally, Paul’s letter to the Ephesians was like a shaft of light to me
– but that’s another story.

So, here’s the learning on my journey from wreckage to restora-

tion:

Don’t assume that what you have heard others say about the
Bible is correct. It may be, but all Bible teachers are human, and
they all have their own stories to bring to the text, and not always
in a good way. Listen critically to what you hear people say, and
test it for yourself, as you read Scripture for yourself.

Value your mentors. If you don’t have someone older to whom

you can relate authentically, pray hard that God will lead you to
such a person, and when it’s the right time, invite them into your
life.

Don’t imagine that God’s reach is restricted to your tribe. He

created, loves, and sent his Son to die for everyone. He is in the
business of redeeming the whole of creation.

Believe that the story of what God is doing in your life is not com-
plete. King David insisted that even in the valley of the shadow of
death, he would keep walking to the point where he got through
it. For me, a new brighter, better part of the journey was just
around the corner. And so it is for you.

Even though it’s hard, God shapes us most intimately in the most
desperate moments. It’s like those scenes in a movie where the
action slows down and we see every detail in high definition. We
see things we would otherwise have missed. We achieve things
we could otherwise never have done. Impossible things: like lov-
ing the enemy; like blessing those who persecute you; like forgiv-
ing and being forgiven. Big stuff like that.
28

LEADERSHIP is

RELATIONAL
SMALL ACTS OF LOVE CAN MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE

I
got it wrong!
I was attending a funeral. The deceased was much loved. The
family members were grieving. The final service was in the Cre-
matorium. I will never forget what happened. After the service the
family lined up to shake hands with all who had attended. When
I shook hands with the son of the deceased he said ‘Thank you for
coming.’ Without thinking I said ‘It is a pleasure.’ Then I realized
what I had just said and it was quite inappropriate. What a thing
to say to someone who was broken-hearted. I was very tired at the
time, and clearly I wasn’t thinking clearly! Those few words are ab-
solutely right and accurate on many occasions but not at a funeral. I
recognized how easily words can slide out of our mouths before our
minds have engaged. I learnt a lesson and this has never happened
again.

I got it right!
He was about to have major heart surgery. I knew he was apprehen-
sive and so was his wife. He was an active and faithful member of
 29
our church. We knew each other well and we had been praying
for him. I decided, without telling him or his wife, that I would
visit him in hospital very early on the morning of his opera-
tion. Having left Coleraine just after 6.00am for Belfast I was
with him in good time before his pre-op procedures. He couldn’t
believe that he was cared for, prayed for and so loved. He never
forgot that visit…and nor have I. It was the right thing to do and
although it meant an early start for me it was worth it. It’s small
things like this that make a difference.

Jesus the Model

To say that leadership is relational is an understatement. Jesus
modelled the importance of the relational in leadership. Indeed
at the core of discipleship is relationship – a relationship with
Christ. His call is ‘Follow Me!’ Growing as a Christian is about
getting to know Him better –growing in and deepening relation-
ship. St Paul’s greatest delight was to KNOW Christ and writing to
the Philippians he said: ‘I count everything as loss because of the
surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.’

A Christian leader is called to love. Even Christ’s summary of the

great commandments is about the relational. We love God and we
love our neighbour. If we love those we lead we will know them,
just like Christ the Good Shepherd who knows us by name. One
of the most important lessons I have learned over the years is
that small acts of kindness and thoughtfulness make a difference.
They convey a powerful message when they are birthed in au-
thenticity. They are not acts of kindness as an expression of duty
but an act of love from a leader, a person who cares.

The words we speak are also a part of this same dynamic. Words
can heal or hurt. They can build people up or tear people down. If
leadership is about anything it is about relationship. It is about the
way we live and the words we speak.
THE PATH OF PEACE BRINGs JOY
 31
T
urning 50 in 2013 was a golden opportunity to reflect on
five decades of personal change, adventure and mistakes.
Most of those years were lived out during the ‘Troubles’
as the two dominant communities in Northern Ireland wrestled
with the challenges that come from diversity, different identities
and alternative aspirations.

Living out my formative years in the market town of Maghera I

was no stranger to the violence which blighted over thirty years
of life in the North-East corner of this little island. Our small
town was a hub for sectarianism; divided physically, with the ‘top
of the town’ dominated by Catholics, while the Protestant com-
munity, of which I was a part, staked their claim to the bottom.
This subtle segregation was no doubt the seedbed for much of
the mistrust, disdain and violence that festered and defined our
world. In this climate we were no strangers to bombs, bullets and
bereavements.

I recall some 40 years on, the emotions that charged me on the

day that our little school-mate and her daddy were killed by a
bomb planted under their car. I was just preparing to leave home
when the explosion, some 200 metres from our house, rocked my
world and sowed further seeds of disdain I had for the Catholic
community. My walk to school each morning took me past the
site where the bomb had shattered a family and was a continual
reminder of the horror of the event which fed my growing sec-
tarian attitude.

Approximately seven years later I found myself heading up a

school debate focusing on our divided society in Northern Ireland.
During this debate I found myself proposing that all Catholics
should be forcibly returned, to what I believed to be their ‘home-
land’, the other side of the border, and a ‘Berlin Wall’ erected to
32
keep them there. I had allowed the justifiable anger at our neigh-
bour’s death to become something foul. I was at this point prepared
to be a proponent of what we might today call, ‘ethnic cleansing’. The
ignorance, bitterness and ugliness of my attitude towards the Catho-
lic community is something I deeply regret. However, thankfully my
strengthening political views and perspectives were challenged in
unlikely ways both within my home and my church community.

At home my mum and dad’s understanding and modelling of grace

repeatedly challenged my bigoted perspectives. Alongside this con-
sistent input, my church played a role. During the 1970s and 1980s it
was not uncommon to wake to the news of another mindless murder.
I recall one particular week when our community was reeling once
again from another brutal attack. During this week I found myself
in a prayer gathering in our church, not realising that I was about to
experience a defining discipling moment. As we joined in corporate
prayer, one of the senior members of the gathering prayed, as I recall,
‘Forgive us Lord for the spirit of murder in all our hearts’. This hit me
like a bullet and became the catalyst for deep personal soul searching
and set me on a course to a whole new perspective.

Reflecting on those formative years I find it hard to believe now

that I could have held such bigoted and destructive views, but I did.
Thankfully, others who had learned the futility of such perspectives,
modelled love, grace, forgiveness and hope to a young man and drew
him back to the path of peace. They had learned that if we invest in
the path of peace, soaked in love, the blessings that flow will bring joy
to all of us, and again we will be a light to the nations.
Romans 14:17: ‘For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and
drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.’

The path of peace may be a long battle, requiring more courage and

determination than the path of bigotry and conflict. However, in the
end it produces hope, joy and beauty.
embracing the truth
34
F
or as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be
a follower of Jesus, living a life defined by belief in God.
Through the decades, that much has remained constant.
What I have only truly become aware of in recent years, howev-
er, is the extent to which that desire has been constantly clouded,
compromised and cramped by the insistence of others that I con-
form to their understanding of what it means to be a Christian or
to their version of ‘the Christian life’.

I was brought up in a traditional Irish Catholic home with a

seamless experience of faith, church, school and community. This
experience was largely very positive, but it was marked by an ex-
pectation that I had to adhere strictly to a very clearly defined set
of beliefs and rules. To err from the path was to invite censure, if
not damnation. By the time I had reached my mid-teens I was no
longer able wholeheartedly to embrace this expression of Christi-
anity and with some trepidation, I jumped ship, having come into
contact with a vibrant if somewhat fundamentalist form of Chris-
tianity. I found this both attractive and stimulating, appealing
to my strong activist strain. In truth, it had also been presented
to me with much conviction as being essential for my salvation;
if I did not embrace it, I would be eternally damned. There was
undoubtedly something of a fear-factor in my ‘conversion’ but I
soon immersed myself in various types of Christian activity and
service. Again, for the most part, I loved it.

In time, however, I became increasingly aware that the ‘belief

police’ were just as active in the evangelical world as they were
in the world of Irish Catholicism. I continued to live constantly
in the shadow of veiled threats, warnings and admonitions that
I must pursue discipleship within tramlines set by others. I am
embarrassed to confess that for most of my life, I have allowed
this shadow to fall much too often across my path.
 35
However when the full force of Jesus’ words in John 8:32 eventu-
ally sunk home something struck a chord that had been rever-
berating in my soul for decades. It is the truth that sets free; not
an insistence that I follow a particular interpretation of it. What
is more, I have come to realise that my (or anyone else’s) percep-
tion of the truth is rarely likely to approximate to reality if I find it
easy or convenient or if it too readily conforms to the status quo.

This is real liberation; not a slavish adherence to dogma, ritual

or codes of morality, but a genuinely open and honest pursuit of
the truth. I have come to recognise that there is much ‘truth’ that
lies within every tradition and none have a monopoly on valu-
able insights into every issue or debate. So while we can be very
obsessed with labels (especially in Northern Ireland) I feel that we
must outgrow our childlike insistence that ‘truth’ should always
be simple and preferably conform to our own tribe’s understand-
ing of the world and everything in it.

Instead of running away from difficult and complex problems,

I can run to embrace them; instead of settling into comfortable
conformity, I can go where the truth leads, assured that ultimate-
ly it will lead to him who is ‘the Way, the Truth and the Life’.

Success is a lousy teacher.

It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.
-Bill Gates
WE SEE
THROUGH
A GLASS
DOOR
DIMLY

THERE ARE INFINITE WAYS TO SERVE GOD

 37
W
hen I was in my mid-twenties God gave me a vision. It
was of a Christian General Practice; medical care deliv-
ered with the anointing of the Holy Spirit, working in
co-operation with the local church. I found it inspiring. I reckoned
I knew where God wanted it to be. I ‘prayer-walked’ the area,
‘claimed it for the Lord’ and introduced myself to the incumbent
GP who was approaching retirement. He seemed interested and
responded positively.

I waited, and nothing happened. I prayed some more, fasted,

prayer-jogged around the area and waited. Still nothing hap-
pened. More accurately, nothing happened in respect to that
practice but another group of GPs asked me to become a partner
in their practice. I politely declined their invitation on three oc-
casions waiting for the opportunity to take over the practice I felt
God had drawn me to. After a few months had passed I was ap-
proached for a final time by the other practice. I asked God should
I accept. I consulted with some close Christian friends. I was
unsure but circumstances seemed to point to a yes so I accepted.

My first day as a fully-fledged partner in the new practice coin-

cided with the day we took possession of our new house. While
walking around on the bare floorboards the phone rang. It could
only be for the previous owners since almost no-one knew we
were there. Disconcertingly, it was the GP I had approached, ring-
ing to ask if I could work with him because his elderly partner
had suffered a heart attack. To say I was disappointed does not
come near the truth. I was shattered and blamed myself for a lack
of faith in taking the safe option. I berated myself for failing to
trust God. Having committed myself to the new practice I felt I
had missed my calling. It took me several months to emerge from
a fog of regret.
38
Now, thirty years on, I see things differently. Twelve years later I
did inherit a small practice in which I was able to do many of the
things I had seen in my original vision. But more than that, God
opened up wonderful opportunities for me to serve Him, here
and elsewhere, in the intervening years, opportunities I might not
have had if the original plan had come to pass.

My point in all this is that ‘we see through a glass dimly’ and
discerning God’s will is not an exact science. I feared that I had
missed my calling, forgetting that God’s unlimited creativity
means there are an infinite number of ways in which He can use
us and through which we can serve Him. The main prerequisite
is that we want Him to use us. I am still not sure if I should have
accepted the post or waited, but in God’s economy I’m not sure it
mattered.

His will is inevitably full of surprises, takes many unantici-

pated twists and turns and is not contingent upon us accurately
discerning it. It often leaves us with unanswered questions. The
work I do now in politics draws on many of the experiences and
skills which I have picked up along the way. I have no doubt that
God has guided my life, that no experience is wasted and, in fact,
that what we do is less important than what God does in us.

‘For we are his handiwork, created in Christ Jesus for good works
which He planned for us long ago. ‘ (Eph 2:10)

Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.

-C. S. Lewis
Don’t allow shyness to rob you of the
possibility of being used by God
40
B
eing shy or introverted in our teens or twenties can some-
times play negative and unhelpful tricks with our minds.
We can easily assume that those who will make an impact
in the world are not us, the quiet ones, but that it’s those who are
confident, outgoing, extrovert and have plenty of charisma who
will be the movers and shakers. They, and not us, will be the re-
ally influential and useful people!

Because of our shyness, we sometimes convince ourselves that

we are likely to be less effective, less useful and less successful
than our high-flying extrovert friends. At least that’s the way my
thought-processes worked in my teens and early adult years.

It took some time for me to realize and to become convinced that,

in God’s economy, fruitfulness, effectiveness and giftedness have
little, if anything, to do with high levels of self-confidence or
charisma.

One of the important steps along the way was my realization

(from Scripture) that God gives at least one spiritual gift, and
probably more, to all of his children (see 1 Corinthians 12:1-11 and
Romans 12:3-8). If God has given me a gift, he not only expects
me to use it but will give me the power to do so in a way that will
make a difference and an impact in the world for him.

Maybe in these days when talk of spiritual gifts is more common-

place, this is not such a major discovery for you as it was for me
– way back then! But I still believe that it can be an important step
(especially for us introverts!) towards really believing that God
can use us and empower us if we trust him to do so.

Another big issue for me was accepting the possibility that, as

an introvert, I could be a leader. Again, the common perception
 41
was (and maybe still is?) that leaders invariably are the confident,
flamboyant, charismatic types. And if you’re not one of those,
you’re not likely to be a leader.

An eye-opening moment for me on my journey was coming

across a study done on highly effective leaders by the influential
American author and researcher, Jim Collins. In his book, Good to
Great, Collins describes how he came to realize that the best lead-
ers he could find (Level 5 leaders, he calls them) are invariably not
the extrovert, charismatic, confident, celebrity-types, but are, in
fact, the more quiet, self-effacing and shy people. He found that
the quieter ones, with the added mix of determination, steadiness,
perseverance and risk-taking, were the real movers and shakers
who led organisations towards significant change.

So my ‘word of hindsight’, the lesson that it took me longer to

learn than it should have, is that God doesn’t place the kind of
barriers and restrictions on effectiveness that shy people too of-
ten can put on themselves. Don’t allow feelings of shyness to rob
you of the possibility of being used by God to accomplish signifi-
cant things for him. Discover, develop and use the spiritual gift(s)
he has given you. And don’t use the fact that you are an introvert
as a reason (or even as an excuse) for thinking that he doesn’t
want you to become a leader in the church or in the world.

Carpe diem; seize the moment!

Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.

- John Wooden
Beauty and the

Beast
NO FAILURE IS FINAL WITH GOD
 43
I
sat down crying. ‘You shouldn’t be marrying me. I’m not what
you deserve.’ But then he took my hands in his and spoke some
words that I will never forget. Words that even now – 12 years
later – still bring me close to tears: ‘I am marrying you and on our
wedding day I want you to walk down that aisle in white – you
have been made pure and unblemished in God’s sight and that is
how I see you.’

This is one moment in my story – my Beauty & the Beast – except

in this version I was the Beast.

Having grown up in a wonderful Christian home I knew that God

loved me and what he wanted for my life. But as I reached my
teens (possibly even before that) I was also becoming increasingly
dependent on people and more importantly what they thought of
me. Getting good grades in school, excelling in sport, and having
lots of friends became all important. I then started to get some
attention from boys and discovered yet another way of boosting
my self-esteem. It wasn’t that I wanted to have a lot of boyfriends
and I certainly didn’t want to be known for being a flirt but I liked
the way male attention made me feel.

Long story short… during my teens I had a number of relation-

ships – some of which were far from healthy. I put up with
cheating and at times not really being attracted to the guy for fear
of losing what I got from them – feeling wanted. I knew it wasn’t
love but it was better than nothing, or so I thought at the time.
The one drawback was guilt. I felt guilty for wanting guys to like
me. I felt guilty for getting physical with them. I felt guilty that I
was doing this all behind my parents’ backs. I felt guilty for letting
my youth leaders down. I felt guilty that I kept messing up even
after numerous attempts to stop. I felt guilty that others seemed
to find God enough and I didn’t.
44
The guilt got so difficult to deal with that one day I sat down with
my youth leader and told him I no longer wanted to be a Chris-
tian as no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t do it God’s way
and I’d be better going it alone – at least it would be one less thing
to feel guilty about.

This has to be one of my biggest regrets in life. My new found

‘freedom’ to pursue life my way wasn’t all it was cracked up to
be. God wasn’t the problem. Finding my identity in what others
thought of me was and the only way I was going to overcome
that was with His help. It took two years of looking for love in
the wrong places to admit this but then I faced a new struggle.
Walking in the freedom found in Christ. Freedom from the past
mistakes I’d made, sins I’d committed.

An obvious lesson here is not to seek self-worth or identity in

relationships or success. But as I am still learning this one there is
another lesson I want to share. Not becoming trapped by guilt or
a sense of failure. No failure is final with God. No sin, no matter
how ‘big’ or how often it is repeated, is bigger than the cross. God
is willing and able to do a new work in and through us. It saddens
me that some people will never get to hear the words I did from
my now husband. Words that so poignantly remind us that even
when we feel more beast than beauty we have in fact become,
and are continuing to be made, a new creation in Christ.

One verse that has stuck with me all the way through this jour-
ney is Hebrews 12:1-3: ‘...let us throw off everything that hinders
and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with persever-
ance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pio-
neer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured
the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of
the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition
from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.’
 45

RUNNING ON

DON’T LOSE FOCUS ON GOD BY BEING TO BUSY

I
t had been a tough few months. Demands were landing on me
from all directions, people’s expectations were overbearing, I
had too much to do, too many speaking engagements and too
many people telling me about their pain and problems. As each
day went by, I got more and more burdened, I got more and more
tired. I was stressed, I wasn’t eating properly, I couldn’t sleep prop-
erly and I was permanently anxious. I started to see my sermon
preparation time as my Bible study and my busyness had edged
prayer out of my life. Church became my workplace not my
home. I became so busy working for Jesus, that I wasn’t spending
time with Jesus.

The difficulty for a leader is that personal crises of faith are usu-
ally hidden and you continue to lead worship, preach the Gospel
and lead the church. You learn to put on the professional leader
face and no one knows you are unravelling underneath.
46
One day I was leading a session on prayer with a group of
8-9-year-old children. I don’t like to boast but it was an amazing
talk on prayer! The problem was it was hypocrisy from start to
finish. I concluded my talk and urged the children to take time to
listen to God in prayer, rather than filling prayer time with our
words. So we decided to practice. I asked the children if anyone
had a word from God. Josh’s hand shot up, he was 9 years old. I
brought Josh to the front and I asked him who his word was for.
He pointed at me and said, ‘It’s for you’. I was stunned and wasn’t
sure what to do. Before I had a chance to react, Josh said, ‘Jesus
told me to tell you he’s missed talking to you and it’s time you and
Jesus hung out together’. In thirty years of being a Christian, no
one has ever spoken God’s word into my life more powerfully
than 9-year-old Josh.

Josh was right, I was running my Christian life on empty, I was

doing so much for God but I wasn’t spending time with God. I had
become so focused on other people’s spiritual lives, that I had ne-
glected my own. My doctor diagnosed me with stress and burnout
and I was given 2 weeks off to recuperate. I felt like a failure.

In those 2 weeks, I went to an amazing Christian retreat centre

called Lee Abbey in Devon and they and the Holy Spirit put me
back together again. When I was there the Lord gave me the
verse, ‘Above all else guard your heart, for everything you do
flows from it’ (Prov 4:23). So often in Christian leadership we are
concerned for the hearts of others, the hearts of those we love
and serve and the hearts of those who don’t even know Jesus, but
the writer of Proverbs knew that ‘above all else’ we need to guard
our own hearts. We need to ensure that we are growing in our
faith, we need to be taking time with Jesus each day, we need to
take time to rest and time to be a human being. I had forgotten
to guard my own heart and as such my life and ministry began to
unravel.
 47
The most important part of Christian leadership is being a fol-
lower of Jesus. Above all else, put your own spiritual life first.
Everything you do flows from that.

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not
doing anything very innovative.
- Woody Allen
You can be an effective Christian witness
 49
I
n my teenage years I had a youth leader called Andy. Andy
was a passionate evangelist and couldn’t help but tell people
about Jesus. Inspired by his boldness I decided to take action
myself and bring ‘revival’ to my school. One Sunday I asked Andy
to give me a supply of Bible tracts to use for sharing Jesus with
my school friends. Monday morning arrived and I walked trium-
phantly to school carrying a bag full of school books, sandwiches
and enough tracts to start a revolution.

Lunchtime came, and I was playing with some friends on the

field. I don’t quite remember how it happened, but at some point
in our mucking around my bag fell open and the huge pile of
tracts flew out across the grass like water from a bursting dam.
Immediately curious, my friends picked up the tracts and started
looking at them … and then they started laughing! This was not
how it was supposed to happen.

My plans for boldness were rapidly turning into a need to find

a rapid escape route. Beam me up God. But no joy. ‘Where did
you get these?’ I was asked. The moment of truth had arrived.
Here was my great opportunity to ‘shout it out’ – to declare to my
friends that I was a Christian.

So what did I say? The truth hurts I’m afraid. I took a gulp and
answered, ‘Oh, some guy gave them to me on the way to school.
It’s nothing.’ A double whammy! I was embarrassed about being a
Christian and I lied. And I did it so easily. Now I know how Peter
felt when he denied Jesus three times. I had a great opportunity
to ‘shout it out’ but, when it came to it, I was more afraid of my
friends’ reaction than I was excited about how awesome Jesus
is. And Jesus really is amazing. He is the good news. And He is
absolutely worth sharing.
50
So what would have helped me all those years ago to be better
equipped and courageous to share my faith? Firstly, I am learner
for life. That means I need to have people in my life who will train
and equip me to be a follower of Jesus. I had this in Andy but I
probably should’ve asked for more of his help. Secondly, I am a
traveller. Life is a journey and we all need mates who can encour-
age us and pray for us in our faith journey. I didn’t really have
that when I was a teenager. Thirdly, I am a teacher. Not the school
type of teacher but I have learnt stuff which means I can help
others. I can help others in the same way that I’ve been helped.

Put all that together and then why not an embrace it as some-
thing called Live Life 1-2-3, which is where you’re committed to
have:

ONE person you’re learning from. Someone who can help and
challenge them to become everything that God created them to
be. It could be your youth leader.

TWO friends who you meet up with regularly for prayer, advice,
encouragement and being honest about what you’re really strug-
gling with. This is real accountability.

THREE people that you’re praying like crazy for. Three people
that you hope to lead to Jesus and then help them grow their
faith like your ONE person is helping you. Helping your THREE
people to pass on the baton of faith to others.

‘Live Life 1-2-3’ aims to be a simple idea aimed at inspiring people

all over the world to embrace a life of intentional, passing-it-on,
disciple making.
 51

It doesn’t fit!
The journey is as important as the destination

I
remember watching with awe as my first child played with
his shape sorter, trying to place a triangle piece into a circle-
shaped hole. All his determination, effort, focus, anger and
frustration delivered no result. It didn’t fit. In the end, he suc-
ceeded through a process of trial and error. He had achieved the
result through patience, determination, hard work and many
failed attempts. This process was necessary as he had no recourse
to drawing on past experiences being only 10 months old! Over
the next few weeks, however, things changed and soon he was
able to place all six pieces in the correct places without error. It
had become second nature to him. He was the same child, only
marginally older, but now he was able to succeed, when a few
weeks earlier he had failed. Or had he? Was this process of trial
and error not rather part of his journey to success?

I recall as a teenager being taught that God had a plan for me, just
for me. Anything else I did would be ‘God’s second best’. I remem-
ber that term vividly, perceiving it as a threat which hung over
me during the next few years.

What if I didn’t know what his plan was? What if I ended up fol-
lowing plan B, living forever a second-best life? I felt paralysed,
caught in theological headlights. How could I know God’s will?
52
What if I made a mistake? Who could I talk to? I recall asking a
number of older Christians to help me out on how to know God’s
will for my life. Most advanced a variety of well-intentioned
scripture verses, kind words, telling me ‘You will know it when
you feel it’. None of this helped I’m afraid, until one old gentleman
suggested I try a few things out and see if they worked for me.
What a liberating thought. Instead of waiting for some form of
divine email, I could have a go at a few things and see what hap-
pened. Guidance was no longer a divine lottery wherein I had to
guess God’s plan for me. It was, rather, a re-focus on God and me
beginning an exciting journey. As long as he was with me I could
never be in the wrong place.

It was interesting that he didn’t see this route as pursuing God’s

second best, rather that it was a bit like my son trying to see
where the triangle fitted. He didn’t get it right first time, and nei-
ther did I, in the sense that I have had a variety of careers since
leaving school. However, it has become clear to me, with the gift
of hindsight, that following God’s will means seeing the journey
as important as the destination because if we become so focused
on where we are going, we can miss the scenery and deny our-
selves the gift of the many travelling companions we encounter
on the way.

Yes, God does have a will for your life (Is 58:11). He does want the
best for you (Jer 29:11). But he isn’t a God of confusion who sits
watching us making mistakes as we struggle inside the maze of
his will (1 Cor 14:32). He is rather a caring Father who watches his
child try things out, just like I did all those years ago. And I think
that over the years as we place the various pieces of our life in the
right places, he too sits back and takes pleasure in our successes.
He’s that kind of God.
 53

PLAYING WITH

PORNBelieve better of yourself and others

A
s a teenager I had a fairly vivid fantasy life. I often im-
agined myself in relationships with pretty girls, enjoying
the attraction, the sense of intimacy and I acted out these
feelings through masturbation. The problem for me was two-fold:
Firstly, throughout my early teenage years I looked at pictures
and movies that fed my longing for pleasure but did little to help
me mature as a person. I let my thought life roam unchecked
and this muddled my thinking when it came to forging healthy
relationships with others. Secondly, I had a legitimate desire to
connect with others but I had confused the physicality of rela-
tionships with genuine intimacy.
54
In my later teens I reduced relationships to a sexual act that
would achieve some form of connection. When I look back now
I realise that I was lonely and confused. I felt out of control in my
thought life, guilty about my recreational sex life and dissatisfied
in relationships in general. I felt like I was dirty and drowning.

The turning point for me came when I had an encounter with

God. It was such a surprise that God saw me as an amazing per-
son, valuable, someone worth spending time with. My mistakes
and sin didn’t put God off. He longed to embrace me, to make me
feel precious and to steer me into relationship with Him and with
others that would be fulfilling, life giving, an adventure. Through
talking to other male mentors about my thoughts, attitudes and
actions I began to recognize that I had been trying to meet a le-
gitimate need for affection and connection through pornography,
masturbation and brief sexual encounters. How I saw myself was
far from flattering, I was selfish, immature and saw girls as outlets
for my sexual desire. I wanted to change, to cultivate new thought
patterns and behaviours, to become a healthy, well-adjusted per-
son. The task seemed incredibly daunting – how was I ever going
to retrain my mind to value girls as people not pleasure objects?
When pornographic images and movies were so appealing, how
was I ever going to stay away from them? Surely my life was go-
ing to become so much less pleasurable?! Yet God encouraged me
and gave me hope. Through His Word and good men around me
He called me to believe better of myself.

My transformation didn’t happen overnight – I had several steps

to follow:

Confessing sin
Acknowledge (repeatedly) that some of my thoughts and actions
did not value me and did not value others.
 55
Get accountable
I approached some safe, spiritually mature men to whom I gave
permission to ask me how my thought life was, what I was look-
ing at or reading. Humbling, yes, but a necessary support to break
my addictive patterns. In the early months I fell more than I stood
strong.

Get a life
St Paul encourages us to be built up in our ‘spiritual family’ first.
Hang out with people who will love and validate you. Get your
emotional needs met in a loving community, with good friends
in whom you see the fruit of the Holy Spirit. Direct your energy
into creativity and service, giving God the opportunity to work in
and through you. This also gives you less opportunity to entertain
sinful pastimes.

Relapse
The world, the flesh and the devil hinder our transformation into
Christ-likeness. When you make a mistake, acknowledge it, ask
for God’s grace and move on.

Falling down is not failure

Only staying down is.

Celebrate the victories

Thank God for the moments you resist temptation and be thank-
ful for His faithfulness.

Looking back I wish I had embraced God’s view of me more

quickly. He is so compassionate and, as Brennan Manning says,
‘His furious love pursues us’. He is faithful to bring to completion
the work He has started in us. (Philippians 1:6)
Learn how to express faith in a compelling way
 57
I
’m not someone who is full of angst or regret about what I did
or did not do in the past, but I am very aware that I didn’t learn
early enough how to explain why I am a Christian in straight-
forward language. I remember sitting in an intensive care ward
beside someone gravely ill. He couldn’t speak, couldn’t visibly
respond in any way at all, but he could hear what I was saying. As
I left the ward I remember going to the hospital cafe and asking
myself to explain the gospel in one minute without using religious
language. It took me several months to work out what I would
want to say in that one minute.

There is value in all Christian believers undertaking this exercise.

I’m not going to tell you what my one minute summary is, for we
each need to work it out in language we are comfortable using
with our friends.

There is a second lesson I learned from that trip to the hospital.

Few people have ever told me why they are committed believ-
ers in language that is compelling. Very often we are told how to
become a Christian, and even why it is important to do so, but it
is very rare to find someone who tells you why they believe what
they believe in a way that makes sense.

Let’s be honest! Most people today are almost completely baf-

fled when it comes to Christian or even religious language. This
means that words that are often special and even precious to
Christian people are ‘off the radar’ with many of our friends.
Words and phrases such as ‘being saved’; discipleship; the lord-
ship of Christ; sin and repentance mean almost nothing ... and
that is before we head into the territory of atonement, sanctifica-
tion or the Second Coming.
58
I am not saying that language such as this should be either
diluted or abandoned. But I am saying that it will be most likely
learned either as people come closer to real Christian faith or
actually embrace Christ for themselves. It took me much too long
to learn how to talk about my faith in everyday language so that
friends could engage with what I was saying in a way that made
sense to them.
And that brings me to the final lesson I learned, though it came
fairly early in my Christian life: the permanent need to have a
good group of friends who were NOT Christians. There are few
things that sharpen the mind or the soul as much as learning
to handle yourself properly and in a God-honouring way than
having to do so amongst friends who may well regard you as a
bit weird for being so ‘religious’, but who nonetheless are often
fascinated by what you do and why you do it.

So, what did I learn the hard way? In short, the need to come out
of my Christian cocoon, think Biblically and speak in everyday
language to my friends about why I am a follower of Jesus Christ,
and why it is important for them also to face the implications of
following Christ. I may have been a slow learner of Christ and the
gospel, but I am very humbled that God’s Holy Spirit wants to be
my teacher. It took me a long time to learn that as well!

Our greatest glory is not in never failing,

but in rising up every time we fail.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
 59

PRAY and

REFLECT
Learn to pray, reflect, listen, be still

I
f I were to reflect on the mistakes I have made in my ministry
it would be simply this: I don’t reflect enough. Whilst I read my
Bible and pray every day, time often eludes me to go deeper. I
know I should study the Bible and not just read it, and I know that
I should pray in greater depth and listen to God more, but I often
fail.

It is quite distressing when people think that you are too busy for
them. To me Jesus’ lifestyle was not a busy one. He had plenty
of time for people, and due to walking almost everywhere, he
took his time and had a leisurely pace. For most of us, a leisurely
pace is something of an enigma. I haven’t managed to discover
it. When you are busy and active, reflection gets put on the back
60
burner. It is always something that I will find time for later, and
then I don’t. Whilst I go on retreat once or twice a year, it is not
enough for my own personal discipleship. When I do, I absolutely
love it and I wonder why I don’t put time aside in my diary more
often, just to read, pray, reflect and be with God and His Creation.

I also love walking by water – this is something that nourishes

me. I have access to the homes of a couple of friends who are
near the sea, and I always gravitate towards the sea to restore
my soul! So I have no excuse – I could avail of this more often,
but busyness and my own active temperament are my barriers.
Especially now, with a new role in the Church, I know that I have
got to remedy this, and I am already putting into place a stronger
dynamic of rest and reflection; prayer and study.

Also, due to the fact that I am quite a pro-active, decisive person-

ality, I feel that I can make decisions too quickly sometimes and
without reflecting. Whilst it is a positive to be decisive – indeci-
sion can be infuriating! – it is vital that people in ministry, and
indeed people of faith, find time to bring decisions to God first,
and not just ask him to bless your decisions once they are made.

I am guilty of that. I have made big decisions relatively quickly

and sometimes instantly, and it’s not that I feel the decisions I
made were wrong necessarily, but I feel that there were times
that I made them in the wrong way. I made the decision, com-
municated it, and then asked God to bless it. So if I were to do it
all again, it would be God first, and my decisive personality very
much later.

Your faith can definitely be defined by your personality type if

you will let it. But surely the purpose of faith is partly to re-define
you and make you in His image? We can’t really just say, ‘That’s
just the way I am’, for God is the gardener and He comes to prune
 61
the tree and make it the way He wants it. Then we bear fruit. I
need to learn the art of stillness. ‘Be still and know that I am God’
is by nature an anathema to me.

But I am learning – not necessarily out of choice, but out of

hindsight. My text would therefore be better entitled ‘40 years of
hindsight’! So, I encourage you – pray, reflect, listen, be still. Learn
it earlier than I did!

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

- Japanese proverb
don’t fear failure
 63
W
hen everything was hopeless, Abraham believed
anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he
saw he couldn’t do but on what God said he would do.’
(Romans 4:18, The Message)

I had locked myself in a cubicle of the ladies’ loo in a very swanky

London hotel. The meeting had been disastrous. I had failed to
secure funding for the future of the charity I had founded. It was
all going to end. I was a terrible leader.

I could feel the tears filing my eyes and the panic rising. I had to
get out of there. By the time I made it downstairs I was shaking
and sobbing so much that a kind cleaner called the hotel manager
who called a paramedic who then stood over me (I was now a
heap on the floor) to pronounce, ‘Madam, you appear to be suffer-
ing from shock and grief.’ ‘I am!’ I wailed, snot, mascara and tears
smeared all over my face.

I felt embarrassed at my own weakness, and filled with anxiety

that my (mostly male) peers thought it proved that inside I was
still a feeble little girl. I had hoped to change the world. I had
hoped to make a difference in young people’s lives. But it was all
coming to nothing.

The charity had arrived out of nowhere. One minute I was a

school’s worker in North London, and the next I was wrestling
with the impact of a TV series that raised the possibility that by
choosing God’s framework for relationships, we could do sex edu-
cation better in the UK. God provided the most incredible team to
join me but not everyone (some Christians included) liked what
we were doing. I didn’t know what I was doing half the time. I had
sleepless nights over whether people understood me or even liked
me. I worried and fretted and did lots of it in my own strength,
64
thinking that God’s plan for young people’s relationships depended
on me having it all together!

If I could go back to those early days of leading a national charity, I

would like to graffiti a few things on the wall above my desk: ‘Love
more, worry less!’; ‘Faith is spelt R I S K’ and ‘Do it like that dude,
Abraham!’ (I would also write ‘No one will remember what you
wore,’ but that just felt too shallow to make the main list!)

All through my journey of becoming a leader (it doesn’t happen

overnight), I’ve kept re-visiting the story of Abraham. God gave
him the biggest calling ever: ‘You’re going to be the Father of all
the great stuff I’m about to do!’ and then reality hit and Abraham
realised the one thing he needed to do (get his wife pregnant) was
the one thing he couldn’t do. He could have given up there and
opted out of the programme. But he didn’t. He held onto hope in
what God said would happen, even when what he saw proved that
all hope was lost.

Sobbing on the floor in that swanky London hotel wasn’t a nice ex-
perience, but I wouldn’t change it. For the first time since becoming
a leader, I gave it all back to God. The project, the team, the young
people, the stuff I couldn’t do, as well as the stuff I knew I could. I
handed it all over. And in that moment I felt flooded with hope: the
hope that comes from knowing deep in your gut that Jesus hasn’t
let go of you; that when you see the hopeless mess, he sees the rest
– the hope that says if we’re with Jesus, the best is still yet to come.

I’m not director of the charity anymore. God brought us the most
amazing leader to take on the work. Right now I’m being a mum
to a little toddler, cooking bad dinners for my family and chatting
with wonderful teenagers about love, life and hope! God is still at
work in me, and I’m ready when he asks me to take the next leap,
into the unknown.
 65
A DIFFICULT PLACE TO BE

UNBELIEF
IF IN DOUBT, WORSHIP

A
s a doubter I have frequently asked for proof that this world
has significance; that the everyday ordinary is infused with
the eternal extraordinary. Many times I have been frustrated
that God does not hear my request, or has refused it.

The disciple Thomas’ said: ‘Unless I see the nail holes in his hands,
put my finger in the nail holes, and stick my hand in his side, I won’t
believe it.’ (John 20:25b, The Message) In my opinion, Thomas gets a
bad rap. He asks for evidence, proof that something out of this world
has actually happened in his world. Who can criticize him for that?!
Perhaps he has my sympathy because I am something of a ‘doubting
Thomas’ myself.

The fear that nothing really happens has haunted me for as long as I
can remember. Of course all sorts of things happen and evolve from
day to day, but nothing really significant. The world goes on turning
in its axis, spring gives way to summer, a child grows up and becomes
a parent. The circle of life keeps on circling. At least that is how it
seems.

There is a season for everything we are told, but are they all headed
66
somewhere, or just more of the same or similar? A dead person com-
ing back to life is, I think we would all agree, unusual. The fact that
death can be undone re-defines both life and death; the same is re-
imagined by the different.

We are not told whether Thomas was there when Lazarus was raised
from the dead. But he knew that Jesus was dead, and it would not
only be incredible if He were raised but, and I think this is where
Thomas is grossly misunderstood, he grasped the significance of
this unlikely event. That death was not the end was something for
sure, but, on top of that, if all that Jesus stood for and died for was
confirmed by His resurrection, well, that is really something else.
Nothing would ever be the same again. If this were true then every-
thing, including ordinary, everyday life, had another dimension. Our
human mind cannot yet dream big enough to grasp the wonder of
this event. Imagine if all that Jesus said was true. Imagine if all that
He said was possible was actually possible. Imagine if all that He said
was important was really important, and all that He said didn’t mat-
ter really didn’t matter. If…

Thomas requires hard evidence like many before and after him. ‘Help
my unbelief’ is a prayer that has echoed down the centuries. The
place of unbelief is a difficult place to be. Jesus gives Thomas the con-
firmation that he needs to move from unbelief to belief. He does not
condemn him for asking, but He does commend those who can move
from unbelief to belief without such direct proof.

Once I prayed with a girl exhibiting the visible scars of self-harm.

While I prayed these wounds disappeared. She ran her fingers up and
down her now flawless skin. We had been heard. In that moment of
silent worship I believed. But what about the times in-between the
moments, where blind faith is all we have? ‘My Lord and My God’,
Thomas responds. Belief inspired worship. What if it also works the
other way round? Between doubt and belief is worship.
 67

BIG
No leader ever fell because their ego was too

Leadership means improving

personal ethical standards
68
I
never wanted to be a leader. To be honest, I recoiled against
the idea, and mainly because I saw some leaders fall. Some-
one close to me, whom I really admired, ‘messed up’ in their
leadership and behaved inappropriately. I was badly shaken. On
top of that I saw how some other leaders seemed to get ‘right up
themselves’ – they wanted different treatment, they didn’t speak
to the people they used to speak to who were now beneath them,
they wanted to travel first class – and to me it kind of stank.
So my response was that I didn’t want to be a leader; despite be-
ing given and taking on some opportunities, I didn’t want to be ‘a
leader’ because I was afraid that I might fall into the same trap.
I didn’t want to risk failing and didn’t want to become known as
someone on an ego trip. I even told an interview panel, ‘I am not
a leader’.

However, I found myself challenged at a conference when one

speaker decided to deal with the issue of ‘reluctant leaders’; it
wasn’t his main topic, more something he decided to address in
passing. It was one of those experiences where you feel you have
been rumbled and he’s speaking just to you!

The first challenge was this: ‘If you can’t help but gravitate to-
wards the helm of everything you get involved in, sooner or later
you will have to face up to the fact that you are a leader!’ Already
I was uncomfortable. But the next bit was massive. He said, ‘Some
of you refuse to own your leadership because you are afraid of
going on an ego trip. Well, let me just say – no leader ever fell be-
cause their ego was too big; they fell because their ethics weren’t
big enough!’

The reality of that challenge was a turning point in my life and

ministry. I realised I had been hiding behind that fear of an ego
trip, almost treating it as if it was some kind of imposter who can
 69
attack, nothing to do with me; when actually it is something for
which I needed to take responsibility. It’s the challenge that comes
to us all, especially in leadership; as our leadership and respon-
sibilities grow, our ‘ethics’, our standards, our behaviour and
attitude need to grow alongside it.

It was challenging and liberating at the same time; I actually

remember texting my wife from the other side of the world to
explain just how impacted I had been, how I felt I now knew what
I had been born for. She texted back at midnight her time to say,
‘I’m glad you have finally twigged on! I was just praying that you
would experience that and become what God has called you to be.’

Failure is a detour, not a dead-end street.

- Zig Ziglar
Believe in prayer and live by belief
 71
W
e were seated in a small circle of chairs in the corner of
a church hall. There was a team from St Aldate’s in Ox-
ford who had just arrived to lead a week’s celebration
in ‘my’ church. My wife and I were with them in the circle as we
prepared for the first evening’s worship by checking all the last-
minute details. Suddenly, the main worship singer announced
that she had a splitting headache, becoming so bad she feared she
would not be able to sing. I jumped up to go for the paracetamol
tablets, only to overhear the team announce they were going to
pray for her. Feeling not a little caught off base, I sheepishly sat
down whilst they prayed and her headache disappeared.

Much later that evening I confessed to one of the team, how my

reaction and theirs were so diametrically opposed – perhaps I
needed to understand their thinking – only to be told ‘If the head-
ache had not gone we would have asked for the tablets!’

I have often thought of that as symbolic of the struggle I have had

to believe that God can act as the first resort and not the last – to
believe that prayer does what the scripture says it does. John
14:12 says: ‘Whoever believes in me will do the things that I do,
and greater things will they do because I am going to the Father.’

I believe the Bible, and I believe in prayer but it has taken (or
maybe is taking) a life’s journey to believe it in action. But now
I am willing to go and pray for a whole roomful of people and
expect God first to tell me what to pray for each individual and
secondly to act in response to their need and the prayer. I have
been blown away by the insight God has given other people for
me, for the way their and my prayers have been answered in my
story. So, I am learning to really trust that he will do the same
when I pray – he will fill my mouth and teach me what to pray as
I kneel down beside someone I have never met before and he will
answer the prayer offered in hope.
72
A couple of weeks ago, I was taking a course on Prayer Ministry and
trying to explain something, so, on the spur of the moment I said: ‘It’s
like there is a pain in my left knee, right in under the bottom of the
kneecap.’ I went on to explain that sometimes God will let me have
a pain so I am aware that someone else there has the pain I have de-
scribed and he wants to act (though I had not had a pain in my knee
that night – I just thought it up to illustrate my point). But God knew
better – at the end of the evening someone came up and said ‘You
have just described exactly the pain in my knee!’ So we prayed and
she went home. The next week she came straight to me – the pain
had gone from her knee before she got home and when she visited
the physiotherapist five days later, she was told that all the scar tissue
was gone.

I have often commented that none of the promises in scripture have

brackets after them saying (except for you)! I wish I had learnt right
from the beginning to believe all the scripture says especially John
14:12 and to believe it in action as well as in my head. Believing in
prayer makes for an exciting and interesting rollercoaster life – and I
have always loved rollercoasters. However, God’s version is far better
than the one at the funfair – you never know what is going to hap-
pen next or where a prayer will take you – but you do know that he
who has called you is faithful.

So don’t waste time, start believing in prayer and living by your

belief.

Go on failing. Go on. Only next time, try to fail better.

- Samuel Beckett
 73

Don’t be afraid to change and turn to Jesus

I
was born and brought up in Glasgow and had loving parents
(it was not a Christian home). I was a middle child and had
an older sister and a little sister who was four years younger
than me.

Life changed when I was 8-years-old when my little sister died

suddenly – overnight. The emotional pain of her death affected
our family and my mum was given medication which caused
her mood to be unpredictable. Living like this as a child created
a sense of loss – of my wee sister but also of my mum’s affection
and love. I felt guilty that I was not good enough, clever enough
or worthy enough to be loved and ‘trying to please’ seemed to
make no difference, nothing was good enough.

Teenage years were insecure and lonely. I was introduced at

various times to Christians (whom I now believe God brought
across my path) but I chose to ‘be cool’ and felt it was not trendy
to believe in God. Also, I so desperately wanted to ‘fit in’ and my
peer group would have laughed at me if I had gone ‘religious’.

I met my future husband at 18 and he thought I was special and

loved me, as I did him. We chose to marry when I was 23. He
was in a pop group who had a Number 1 in the UK charts with
a song called ‘Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep’.

Life changed. We loved each other but meeting the rich and
famous caused the old feelings of shyness and not being good
enough to interact with others, and came to overwhelm me
again. Alcohol helped; at least I thought it did. We all drank in
the circles I moved in. I believe the choice to drink alcohol, for
me, was a wrong one. But more so, the choice not to stop when
I knew, secretly, it was becoming a problem was a greater mis-
take and a wrong lifestyle choice.
 75
I cried out to God – many a time in the glitz and glamour of a
fancy life, with a big house, swimming pool, travel and so-called
friends, but I continued to live in the fast lane. I was still afraid to
change!

One crisis followed the other: I lost my driving licence and was
hospitalised at certain points. I chose to seek help in Alcoholics
Anonymous and I do believe that the many times I cried out to
God in prayer, he heard and answered. At AA, not by chance, I
heard a man speak about the Stauros Foundation. He said that the
founder, Arthur Williams, was an alcoholic and believed that the
Lord Jesus Christ was the answer to freedom.

This was an unusual message to hear that night in AA but I now

know that it was God’s choice that I was there. At the mention of
the Lord Jesus, I wanted to find out more, and for the first time
I had hope in my heart. I was meant to be there that night. I at-
tended Stauros and the church where I heard the Gospel and, in
time, I made the most important choice ever: to repent of my sin
and to receive Jesus as my personal Saviour.

I thought that alcohol was the problem and if it was gone all
would be well. But in hearing the true message of why Jesus
came – to save me from my sin – I discovered the real answer to
my need. Today I make choices to walk with him and declare that
there is only real freedom and contented sober living in Christ
alone!
76

it really is

good to

talk
It’s damaging to struggle on alone
 77
K
ate Moss famously said, ‘Nothing tastes as good as skinny
feels.’ To quote a supermodel is perhaps a strange intro-
duction to an article by a man who suffered from eating
disorders for many years but nevertheless it rings true to my
experience, well part of it anyway. Let me take you back…

When I was about 17-years-old, other people seemed so much

happier than I was: fitted in better; looked better; had relation-
ships. If only I was a bit more like them … losing a few pounds
might help, I thought. However, quickly and without me being
aware of it, I came to focus more on controlling my food intake
rather than on the lack of control I felt I had over other aspects of
my life.

But feeling skinny didn’t satisfy, and it didn’t fit with what I saw
in the mirror: a bulging stomach, fat that should not be there.
Neither did I fit in any better with others; in fact, at times, I didn’t
want to be with other people as being with them often involved
food and having to avoid it … it was better to be alone, or was it?

Then came the compulsion to eat and to eat and to eat some more,
like a crazed animal just wanting to guzzle food so quickly until
the horror set in and the need to cleanse my innards, to keep
retching until I could retch up no more of that food which I by
now loathed having eaten. Why? Why had I done this again?
How could I? How I hated myself for this. Was there no escape
from it?

The living hell of anorexia and bulimia destroyed so much of

my teenage and Twenties years. Denial, not wanting to listen
to others, but finally admitting I was destroying my life and in
danger of death made me realise that something had to be done.
From the first agonizing visit to my GP, to the referral to an eating
disorder psychiatrist, to the tears shed at support groups, to the
78
support and prayers of friends, took me on a journey out of the
horror to a fuller life, a call to ordination and eventually a wife
and family and a ‘normal’ life of living with joys and difficulties. I
believe this was the Lord’s healing.

What could I have done differently to avoid those horrendous

years? There are no easy answers; but some of the insights I
have gained go back to where I began, as a vulnerable young man
uncertain of who I was or what was going on around me, others
seeming to have a confidence I did not have, longing to be like
them, and yet also fearful of the future and not feeling ready for
what life was bringing my way. I was possibly no different than
many young people; than you.

It was a long hard road for me to travel to eventually start to talk

to the psychiatrist and then friends. Trusting people enough to
start to tell them what was really going on inside, about fears,
inadequacies, bullying. But in talking I started to realise I was not
alone – others did not have everything ‘together’, their lives were
not all that they seemed on the surface, they too felt they had in-
adequacies and fears. I learned, like others, to face some of those
fears and to take manageable ‘risks’ that often resulted in better
outcomes than I had imagined, or even if they did go wrong, it
was not the end of the world. There were a lot of new habits to
learn around eating and gradually letting go of some of the con-
trol over food, but more importantly was the facing of those fears
and feelings that were the real demons in my life.

So what do I say to you? Please do not go down the road I

travelled. Talking to others about our concerns is not a sign of
weakness but is a great strength. I wish I had learned sooner that
it really is good to talk and that it really is damaging to struggle
on alone.
 79
Phil 4:6-7 ‘Do not be anxious about anything, but by prayer and
petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And
the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard
your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.’

Nothing recedes like success.

- Walter Winchell
80

Trust, even in uncertainty

God is good, and faithful
 81
E
ileen was pregnant with our second child and was coming
near the end of her term. I came home from church one
Sunday to find Eileen in tears on the bedroom floor. ‘I’m so
frightened about this birth,’ she said. ‘I’m so afraid for this baby.’
As we were leaving the room, Eileen noticed a card had fallen out
of a drawer with a verse on it: ‘For God has caused me to laugh
and all those who know me will laugh with me.’ Little did we
know the relevance and I, in my usual male way, told Eileen not to
worry, that things would be all right...

The following Saturday, Eileen woke up with some early labour

pains and the baby was born that evening. Later on I was cradling
our new beautiful baby in my arms, when I thought I noticed
something not quite right – one of the baby’s legs was slightly
longer than the other. I spoke to a nurse. She had a look and panic
set in with her. Panic also set in with us – something was wrong
and no-one could tell us what. We held our new baby and we
cried, worried about the future. In the midst of our tears, Eileen
said, ‘We have to call her Sarah’.

I went home in a whirl of emotions: happy to be a Dad for the

second time, glad that Eileen was ok and desperately worried
about the uncertain future for our baby. I went to bed and cried
out to God about her. Eileen’s words, ‘We have to call her Sarah’
rang in my head and I opened my Bible to read about Sarah. Verse
6 of Genesis 21 stood out on the page. It reads: ‘Sarah said, “God
has caused me to laugh and all who hear about this will laugh
with me”.’ What on earth could this strange verse mean? Little did
we know…

The following day was marked by family visiting and excitement

and a growing uncertainty for Eileen and me: what was wrong
with our new baby? What would her future be? We talked about
her name and I told Eileen about how I was struck about the
82
verse where Sarah said that God had caused her to laugh – this
was exactly the verse on the slip of paper on the bedroom floor a
week before.
Although Sarah didn’t have a diagnosis, everything seemed to
be going fine until Monday morning when her health suddenly
crashed. Eileen was holding Sarah when she went limp and blue.
She called a nurse and the crash team arrived. For the next few
hours Sarah was in that critical place between life and death. Her
blood sugars had fallen to a level never seen in the hospital before
and she had multiple fits. We thought we were losing her; we
were distraught and no-one was laughing.

The next few days were a blur of activity around a very sick baby,
now in the neo-natal unit. We nearly lost, and the crash team
were sent for 3 times. Parents and friends had to ‘gown-up’ to see
Sarah and we thought we were saying goodbye to her.

And still no diagnosis. The outlook lurched from bad to worse –

possible long-term brain damage, increased risk of cancer, cystic
fibrosis … the list went on. No-one was laughing and we felt we
were in a very dark place. And still we had this verse. I remember
feeling and saying, ‘God, this isn’t funny; we’re crying, not laugh-
ing; what’s going on?’

However, people prayed for Sarah, and when she was in the incu-
bator she was anointed with oil, and slowly Sarah pulled out of a
very critical state. She received a diagnosis and defied the doctor’s
entire gloomy prognosis!

Twenty-four years later, we look back over Sarah’s life so far

and one thing above all marks it out and defines it: laughter and
joy. As a baby, when people gathered around Sarah, there was
laughter; as a child, even going through the hours and days of
 83
intense medical intervention, Sarah continued to smile and laugh;
as a teenager, the laughter became outrageous at times. And as
a young adult, now finishing a degree in Applied Theology and
Children’s Work, Sarah continues to bring joy, hope, fun and
laughter wherever she is.
o what have we learned from our experiences with Sarah? God is
good, and faithful, and is true to His promises. He sends us people
to pray when we can’t, and we can find hope and comfort in life’s
dark places. He is Alpha and Omega, and knows end from the
beginning. We can say ‘even though I walk through the valley of
the shadow of death, You are with me…’ Sarah’s laughter is testa-
ment to His faithfulness.

To know the road ahead, ask those coming back

- Chinese Proverb
Choose wisely, monitor closely
 85
M
y secondary school years weren’t bad, but they weren’t
great either. Typical stuff. Figuring out who I was, figur-
ing out what friendships and relationships are all about,
figuring out what life is all about (well, at least making some initial
attempts to do so). I’m certainly grateful to God (and many others
of course) for his help and protection and guidance, but there were
some painful lessons along the way.

As I meandered through my teenage years, I suppose I was search-

ing, as were many, for a greater sense of identity and a greater
sense of connectedness with other people. Like most young guys,
I was definitely keen on some fun and adventure along the way
as well, and I suppose that is what led me to what was not a bad
crowd, but probably was not the best crowd either. One of the
guys was a bit more ‘experienced’ than I was, and so some of the
‘small’ things he proposed – a bit of drinking, a bit of pot, a bit of
porn – seemed like reasonable things to explore. Actually, looking
back, I wasn’t doing much reasoning as ‘one thing led to another’,
and that was part of the problem.

The stupidest night of my life went like this: I’m driving our family
car (I’m only 16 but had a driving licence) and my friend is in the
passenger seat. It’s time for me to impress, so what better way to
do that than by flying along a windy road in a residential neigh-
bourhood at 80km+/hour? I was fortunate. All that happened was
that I went careening out of control, popped up on a curb punctur-
ing two tires and ruining the axle. I shudder still to think of what
could have happened.

The numbing shock of what transpired was what led to my next

mistake – developing an elaborate lie that ‘explained’ what hap-
pened (… a car coming the other way with blinding headlights …
me panicking and hitting the accelerator rather than the breaks,
etc., etc.). I found it hard to believe, but decided to stick with it
86
and tried to convince my dad. He of course wasn’t buying it for
a minute, but after my third round he took the following tactic,
‘Okay, I’m going to ask you one last time, what happened?’ I lied
again. And so he left it there. A couple years later, as I decided to
live a more whole-hearted Christian life, I ‘came clean’ and told my
father what happened. He forgave me, but living with a lie is no
way to live.

My life wasn’t ruined, but it actually could have been (not to

mention other’s lives). It’s hard to know exactly what might have
spared me from this. Someone wiser than I and close enough to
ask me some hard questions about who I was spending time with,
and what kind of influence I thought it was having on my life (es-
pecially faith-life) might have helped. Or that same person helping
me think through the situation I got myself into, what my possible
responses were and what the likely outcomes (short and longer-
term) would be. Someone encouraging me to ‘man-up’, admit my
mistakes and move on certainly would have made a difference.

I hope I learned my lesson(s). They were the most costly lessons I

have ever needed to learn:

+ Choose your friends wisely.

+ Pay more (honest) attention to their impact on you.
+ THINK … before you act – the consequences could be serious.
+ ‘Fess up’ to, don’t multiply, your mistakes.
+ Don’t lie to those you love (actually, don’t lie full stop).
+ Thank God for his protection and not letting things get even
worse!

Truly good friends are hard to find. Proverbs has it right: ‘There
are friends who pretend to be friends, but there is a friend who
sticks closer than a brother’. (Prov 18:24) I thank God that I eventu-
ally learned the difference.
 87

DI S I N
TEGR
AT E D
ANTI
C I PA
TION
Don’t ignore the importance of
process to Christian life
88
I
t took me a few years to twig on that this was how I viewed life.
There was always something round the corner which would
somehow miraculously change everything. It is particularly
prevalent in Evangelical and Charismatic circles. It is what I call
‘Event-based Christianity’ verses ‘Process-Based Christianity’.

I was busy living for God, doing Church, trying my level best to
see lives changed and our country impacted by the love of God.
At times it was hard work but we kept going on keeping on. I
was impatient, I wanted to see immediate change and I became
discouraged. I thought, ‘If only God would do something which
would change everything and it would mean we could stop all this
hard work.’

We once had a visiting speaker at our church over a weekend and

it was a wonderful time: people were converted, healed and many
were touched by the Holy Spirit. I left the speaker to the airport on
the Monday afterwards and as I drove away I asked myself, ‘What
now?’ Would it be back to same old-same old or were we on the
cusp of a revival?

What suddenly occurred to me was that it was the preparation of

all the months/years of hard work, digging up the ground, sowing
seed that enabled us to reap a harvest over the previous weekend!
Without that process we wouldn’t have experienced our ‘incred-
ible weekend’ and that if we were to have similar harvest times we
would have to keep on with all the usual things we were doing. It
was incredibly releasing – freeing. It caused us to put real value in
all that we were engaged in, what we were called to do, and to be-
lieve that it was of incredible worth to God and would ultimately
reap a harvest.
 89
I realised that even my own conversation was a process. People
were praying for me, talking to me about Christ and eventually I
was converted. It took the process to have the event. There is an
old saying: ‘a crisis without a process becomes an abscess’. In other
words, when something out of the ordinary happens to us, it is
real and even powerful but if we never follow up and build on that
experience, it can cause us to despise the very experience.

People often ask me what key moment caused the growth of our
church. I always reply that we just showed up every week and
kept doing what we knew we were supposed to do.

A young person once told me they were called to South America to

be a missionary and asked for advice. As they were just going into
their GCSE year and choosing their subjects, I said learn Span-
ish. The crisis was ‘go to South America’. The process began with
learning a language. One without the other was incomplete.

Life is that way. Generally speaking, nothing will drop out of the
sky that will change everything. You want to understand the Bible
better? Start reading it! You need money? Get a job. Living your
life this way enriches what you are currently doing and causes
you to grow and develop in God. Life is a journey, view it as such
and you may be surprised by what God grows in and through you
over the years.
90

become
a monk
Develop a spiritual practice

I
wish I’d become a monk long before I did, I probably should
have done so as a teenager and certainly before I got married
and my two daughters were born, but seven or eight years ago I
did ... well, sort of. About seven or eight years ago, I discovered the
huge value of two things that medieval monks did that we don’t
do very often these days. Here’s the first. I fast every day, between
the last snack I have in the evening and breakfast the next day.
Yes, I know that I’m asleep for most of the time but I’m talking
about what happens before I fall asleep and what happens before
breakfast. I’m careful about when I go to bed and I never eat in the
morning before I have my devotional time with the Lord ... and
that’s what I call fasting... lite.

There’s something about making a decision about going to bed

just that wee bit earlier than I might naturally do that is making a
 91
statement to myself about self control and who is in charge of my
body and my time. There’s something about not allowing myself to
eat before I spend some time with the Lord that reminds me every
day just who is in charge of my life.

Secondly, the ancient monks were great writers. Mainly they cop-
ied manuscripts of the Bible to be handed down from generation
to generation but they also wrote lots of other things. Me too. But
what I write is never seen by anyone else and probably never will
be seen by anyone else. As part of my morning devotions I keep a
personal journal. I write about what I have read in the Bible, what
happened yesterday, what lies in the day ahead. I write about
my fears, frustrations, doubts, temptations, failures as well as my
hopes joys and successes. I don’t know why I started, but within
a few days I discovered an aspect of journaling that I’d never
dreamed of. We are all very good at deceiving ourselves, thinking
about things in a way that makes the bad seem not so bad and the
good seem even better. We are also brilliant at giving ourselves
the benefit of the doubt. Actually, writing things down has forced
me to be punishingly honest with myself and with God. Writing
is so much slower than thinking so I’ve more time to think about
whether or not what I’m writing is really, truly true. Sometimes,
as I’m forming the words to write, I can hear a whisper that says,
‘You know that’s a bluff!’ And I do know. Being honest with God
and with myself is painful but it is also very liberating.

With both fasting (lite) and journaling, I’ve fallen into a habit – a
good habit. I don’t always enjoy both of them but I absolutely hate
missing either. Sometimes my journal is rushed and sometimes I
know that I’m just writing the first thing that comes into my head,
just to get it done. But it does get done and it is honest. As with all
relationships, talking honestly, even if it is formal and about noth-
ing much, is better than not talking at all.
The

Great Pretender

Allow faith to weave itself into

the everydaY fabric of life
 93
H
ave you ever had the feeling that someone is following
you? You know, that growing sense of dread and the fear
that causes you to break out into a cold sweat and makes
the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end? I found myself
experiencing that sharp, eerie sensation a few years ago, as I took
a short cut through a dark Dublin alleyway. It was because coming
up behind me was a homeless man and I knew he was going to
mug me. That’s what those types of people do! Right?

His footfall was hurried and had an irritated, aggressive feel to it.
I thought, ‘Oh great; this guy is going to jump me and take my no-
money.’ But then he spoke: ‘I’m not going to rob ya, I’m not going to
hurt ya, I just have a question.’ I didn’t believe him and was instead
wondering, ‘Do I run now?’ Against my better judgment, I stopped
and listened skeptically (although I was keeping an eye out for an
escape route). ‘Over there,’ he said, pointing to a group of seven
people all in their later years, looking the worse-for-wear and
clearly already very drunk at 2 o’clock in the afternoon. ‘That’s my
dad over there,’ he told me, ‘and he’s 53 today’.

The cynic in me quickly retreated and the tension in my muscles

relaxed, to be replaced by an uncomfortable sadness at the idea
of a father and son living on the streets together. He continued
speaking, humbly; ‘It’s my father’s birthday, we have no money
and it’s been years since we’ve had a cake.’

I had assumed the worst of this man from the start; I had been
ready to turn away. In that moment I had failed. All he wanted
was to celebrate his Dad’s birthday. He continued, ‘Please don’t
give us the money because we will spend it on drink. Could you
buy us a cake?’

Guilt is sometimes a beautiful thing; the ugly but necessary step-

sister of conviction. That day the rhythm of guilt powered my legs
94
straight to the nearest grocery store. I located the party aisle and,
fuelled by my guilt-buzz, I bought not only a cake, but also party
hats, streamers, a banner, matching napkins and the candles you
can’t blow out.

I paid for all the multi-coloured party gear and ran, chased by a thor-
ough humbling, back to the alley way. They invited me to stay for
the party. That afternoon we sat there, party hats on, in that dirty al-
ley way singing Happy Birthday, attempting to blow out candles and
eating cake. As I walked away from that group of men and women I
could hear them breaking into a ‘hip-hip-hooray’ for the 53-year-old,
homeless man. But louder still was the ringing of failure in my ears.

I didn’t follow Christ so that I could just call out, ‘Hey, God loves you!’
from a distance and walk away, chucking in a coin for added feel-
good, in place of human connection. I can’t just reach out; content to
only feel the relief of the stretch, without its fulfillment. There is so
much more. There is contact. There is the incarnate. There is life.

The homeless son of a homeless man shook me, the great pretender,
from my failure and helped me see that my faith was about so much
more that just existing. We must allow our faith to weave itself into
our everyday fabric, beyond the catwalks of Sunday mornings and
the perception of having it all together.

No more excuses, no more pretending, no more professional Chris-

tians without the heart – let’s be authentic, let’s be courageous and
together let’s go and be the hope of Jesus to others.

‘God has already made it plain how to live, what to do, what He is

looking for in men and women... Do what is fair and just to your
neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, and don’t take
yourself too seriously— take God seriously.’ Micah 6:8
Don’t let bad experiences put you off
making the most of opportunities
96
W
hile initially, I thought I might catch readers’ atten-
tion – like the DOE ‘Drink-Driving’ adverts – with big,
bad, hairy mistakes with unpleasant consequences,
and while I’m also nervous that the nuggets of insight I am get-
ting in later life may be passed over too easily by young people, in
thinking about how I might have behaved differently and what
alternatives I could have taken when I was younger, I am drawn to
a simple and perhaps relatively common regret.

Practising the piano nearly killed my interest in music altogether.

Outside, the world of opportunity and games was raging. Yet
here I was sitting on this bench punching white keys. My teacher
hovered over me: ‘No, don’t rush. Keep the rhythm smooth.’ An
eternity of playing scales did my head in. Once my sentence of 6
months ‘trial’ was over, I stopped. That was the end of my music
career, or so I thought.

A few years later I was captivated by the trumpet. I couldn’t wait

to get back from school, put on the music of my trumpet-playing
heroes – Chicago’s ‘Saturday in the Park’, the Earth Wind and Fire
brass section, Maynard Ferguson. I’d then practice for at least an
hour a day.

Some of the most inspirational moments of my teenage years

were playing in youth orchestras, excellent bands and chamber
ensembles. My trumpet playing also took me to stimulating places
– Interlacken Summer Camp with bright talents in Northern
Michigan and to the Rose Bowl in Pasadena California with the
University of Michigan Marching Band.

I stopped playing the trumpet after university, and that’s fine,

but now I look at a keyboard and wish that I had somehow stuck
with the piano long enough to play a tune. Messing around on a
 97
keyboard can last a lifetime. I had thought that there was no music
in me back when I was a kid, based on that one bad experience
with the scales. It turned out that my love for music was buried
somewhere else. Although I’m extremely grateful that I found
music again with the trumpet, I’m reminded how valuable it is to
use the teenage years to learn the skills that last a lifetime. I wish
I’d stuck at the piano.

What’s the thing that catches your interest? It doesn’t matter so

much what it is, and don’t let a bad experience along the way shut
that door. Create the opportunity to get stuck in and pursue it with
all you’ve got to offer.

A year from now you may wish you had started today
- Karen Lamb
 Lucky
Break
Believe that, whatever happens,
God does not leave us
 99
M
y father was knocked off his bike by a drunken driver as
he headed to take a Mission meeting in Ringsend, Dublin.
I was 9 months old when my father died and my brother
five years older. My mother felt she should be at home to look
after my brother and me, so we shared our home with a series of
paying guests. Money was always tight and everything was budg-
eted carefully. But occasionally when there was a big bill coming
there just wasn’t enough money in the pot. Throughout my child-
hood at such moments, my mother would say, ‘Don’t worry, our
Heavenly Father will look after us.’ And He did. This grounding in
practical faith, is still central to who I am.

I was fifteen when an older friend invited me to take a spin on his

motorbike up the Dublin mountains. We stopped where a single-
track by-road forked down from the main route leading towards
a bridge over a small river. ‘Why don’t you have a go?’ my friend
suggested. He didn’t have to ask twice.

I remember the thrill of negotiating one bend in particular. On

my third attempt I was convinced that I could make this bend at
30 mph, just a little faster than my previous attempts. So I ap-
proached at that speed, leant over and pulled the bike around. This
time, the front wheel went across the crown of the road which
had a light sprinkling of gravel. I was aware of the bike sliding
and suddenly I was in the ditch still travelling at 30 mph. The bike
hit a huge rock. I remember sitting on the road but when I tried
to move I noticed that my foot didn’t budge. I had a compound
fracture just above my ankle. The bleeding was so bad obviously
an artery had been severed. My friend ran down the road to see
what had happened.

There was a cottage just opposite where I had crashed. The home
owners and my friend helped me across the road and lay me down
on their sitting room settee. My friend asked for the use of their
100
telephone, but, they didn’t have a phone. No, there wasn’t a phone
box anywhere nearby, and their car had been taken into town for
the day. The motorcycle wasn’t drivable. After ten minutes my
friend was seriously concerned because the bleeding couldn’t be
stopped. We were all worried.

Just then there was a knock on the door. I heard a voice say, ‘I was
driving on the road above and happened to look down and saw
the bike in the ditch on the road below. Is everything alright? I’m
a doctor.’ The doctor came in and was able to reduce the bleeding,
while his friend drove three miles to a phone box to call for an
ambulance. I was taken to hospital and although I had lost a lot of
blood, the operation and recovery were successful. I still have the
scar, but no other ill effects.

I thank God for owners of the cottage who looked after me, and
for that doctor who happened to see the crash on the by-road and
enquired if someone needed help. I believe my Heavenly Father
was looking after me that day, just as my mother said He would.
And yet life has taught me that the fact that God loves us, doesn’t
mean my life will be a ‘bed of roses’. Despite the best treatment
available my father died from his road accident injuries. God didn’t
prevent my father’s death!

God isn’t some kind of accident insurance policy. What God

has promised is that no matter what happens in life, He is there
with us. That is our security. Jesus said ‘I will never leave you or
forsake you.’ And that has been my experience, and that’s why I
still believe what my mother taught me as a child ‘Our Heavenly
Father will look after us’.
LOSING A PARENT

Don’t let opportunities for

meaningful communication slip by
102
T
his is going to sound a bit grim, and it’s not meant to put
you off thinking about the possibility of being called into or-
dained ministry, but when you are a member of the clergy,
you do tend to encounter death quite often in the form of funer-
als and so on. And none of them are pleasant. As Paul writes so
honestly in 1 Corinthians 15, death really is an enemy. It is cruel, it
is final, it is brutal, it is painful. In short, death stinks.

So what’s the point here? Well, one of the things I learned to my

cost is that sometimes death can creep up on you unexpectedly,
and one of the biggest mistakes I think I ever made as a young
person was not to realise what it would actually feel like to lose a
parent. When you’re young, you don’t have a proper sense that
most things in life are really only temporary; life is for living and
you don’t really feel the passing of time. When I look back now
on my teenage years, there is so much I simply took for granted.
My Dad dropped and lifted me everywhere without even a word
of protest. Did I ever thank him for loving me so sacrificially? No.
I admired him in so many ways, but did I ever even tell him how
much I loved him? No. He gave of himself endlessly for my family
and me, but was I ever genuinely aware of how much of a blessing
this was in offering me permission to flourish? Probably not.

I can remember on different occasions sitting in the car with

him and wondering what life might feel like without him being
around: very difficult to imagine then. I recall thinking that there
were times when I really should have opened my mouth to tell
him things that were important, but like a lot of teenagers I never
did feelings very well. I could be moody and headstrong, and I was
just rubbish in terms of openness and communication with those
who were closest to me.
 103
Then, after school finished I headed away to university. Soon after
that, work started and, before I knew it, the moment had disap-
peared. My Dad developed dementia and in many ways I lost him
years before he eventually died. I can remember to my horror how
in later years, when it was my turn to drive him around, he turned
to me and no longer knew who I was.

Although he had been ill, it all happened quite unexpectedly in the

end. A phone-call one cold January morning and that was it, he
had gone. No chance to say goodbye. No opportunity to hold his
hand. A whole pile of things I wish I had been able to say; a mind
in turmoil; a heart broken.

I remember standing and looking at his body in the coffin and

only then did it hit me how much I had lost. I remember writing a
card to go with a wreath of flowers and trying to articulate some
of my innermost thoughts, but in the end they were just words on
a piece of paper. I wish, I wish, I wish...

Being a Christian gives me hope that one day I will see my Dad
again, and maybe then I’ll finally be able to tell him all the things
that were left unsaid, but in the meantime I am sorry for my
shortcomings and thankful for the gospel’s message of grace to
those who are left with regrets. I made a mistake, but in Jesus I
have discovered someone who truly understands.

The problem with comprehension is, it often comes too late.

- Rasmenia Massoud
PAINFUL
PE R SE RVE RAN CE

Perseverance is not wasted time

 105
W
hen I became a Christian just before my 16th birthday,
I was desperate to serve God as a full-time pastor or
missionary. When there was no opportunity I had to
do my exams – all the while hoping as soon as they were done,
God would give me the job of my dreams. He didn’t. I spent three
years at university and then took a ‘temporary’ summer job at the
Harvey Nichols accounts department. They offered me a perma-
nent contract that would give me holiday and sickness benefits
but I didn’t think there was any point; after all, God was going
to call me out of there any minute… I was there for eight years. I
wasn’t a very good accountant either so I had to work really hard
just to keep up with everyone else meaning the work was, for me,
both stressful and boring. All the while my passion to preach grew
but there was no-one willing to listen to my sermons. I had a heart
for young people but when I got involved in the youth work at my
local church, everything went wrong. One event that I put on for
‘unchurched’ kids was even shut down after the police were called
– it was almost a full on riot! 

To me those years felt like a disaster. They seemed wasted when

I just wanted to get on and do the things I was passionate about.
At times I wanted to give up; it was too hard and too painful and
I became bitter and isolated. Life didn’t feel fair. Yet, with hind-
sight, I can see how God was working in me and was preparing
me for the things ahead. He dealt with my ambition and my self-
reliance, and brought me to a place where I no longer prayed for
him to bless what I was doing, but started seeking earnestly after
what he was doing so I could bless that. 

In that season I learnt the importance of perseverance. There is

a Norwegian proverb that says ‘A hero is someone who holds on
for one minute longer’ and James 1:3 says ‘Consider it pure joy,
my brothers, when you face trials of various kinds, for the testing
of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish
106
its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking
anything.’
I learned some hard lessons about perseverance in my teens and
twenties but, much more importantly, I began to see how perse-
verance is key in the scriptures. Joseph was 17 when he started
having dreams and 30 by the time he stood before Pharaoh. The
intervening years weren’t kind to him. Moses was in the desert
for 40 years. Abraham waited years between God’s promise of a
son and Isaac being born. David was anointed King but didn’t rule
for the next 15 years. The early followers of Jesus had to perse-
vere in spreading the gospel despite fierce opposition that saw
them imprisoned and that took many lives.

When we don’t see things going our way it’s tempting to give
up.  We can think we made up the dreams we have, or that God
doesn’t want us to serve him. We can get discouraged and many
fall away from the Lord because of the disappointment of life not
turning out the way they thought. We need to rediscover the
gift of perseverance: to keep going when the going gets tough. To
know that God never wastes anything, he is always building and
shaping our character, he will use even the most painful situa-
tions to prepare us for the things that are to come. He uses suffer-
ing to refine us and make us more fruitful. When we don’t have
the things we long for, we learn to be satisfied in him. It is then
that we realise that he is enough.

I wish I’d known that the dreams I had were from God and that
though it took many years to see them come to fruition, it wasn’t
because God was holding me back, he was trying to bless me by
stripping away my false comforts and helping me to rely on him.
 WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU HIT THE WALL?

Christians can face ‘burnout’ too

but God can use anybody
108
L
ife seemed to be going ok with friends, a beautiful girlfriend
and building a career in business, and suddenly life changes
– your girlfriend blows you out for another guy; you work
twice as hard to cope; and your Christian life and ‘victory’ go into
freefall. In short, you begin melt down – privately unable to cope,
insecure in who you really are and wondering what is happening:
will life ever be the same again?  But I am a Christian? Am I the
only 23-year-old Christian this has happened to?

I know now that this has happened to a lot more people than
just me as I reflect back but no one told me that before. I was
embarrassed to go to my own doctor so I had heard of a mission-
ary doctor who had returned to GP work at home again and he
changed my life. Why? He did two things for me. He looked after
me medically – slowed me down and got some balance back again
– and, just as importantly, he listened to my story of ‘failure as
a Christian’ and yet believed in me and confirmed that God still
loves broken people; he can use a ‘failure’ and do something special
with them.

I’m not sure if up until then anyone ever believed I would be of

any use to God – even my mum and dad, who loved me very
much. That was the beginning of a new life and journey for me
as around the same time I met others who explained that we are
saved and forgiven by the death of Jesus but, as important, we
are being saved day by day by His life in us (Romans 5:10) as he
invades our life each day and gives us a sense of calling, purpose
and right attitude to my calling to business.

You see, the doctor left a legacy in my life, allowing God to shape
me – renewing the sense of belief, affirmation and recognition to
use whatever gift and talent God has given each of us. I thought
a legacy was for people in their 60s and 70s but I discovered that
 109
from the minute you come to Christ, even as a teenager, you are
an influencer and are leaving a legacy in other lives: in school,
university, the office, the shop, your family, your work .

I had no idea of this as no-one told me and so I didn’t leave the

legacy I should. I don’t want you to miss out on this! So, my dream
and prayer for you is don’t waste time or be fooled! Realise you
are called. You are unique. You are special. God has plans for you.
Surrender totally and trust God – take a risk on Him and you will
never dream what will happen. It’s a fabulous, tough, exciting jour-
ney! I look back and say ‘Wow! I wish I had been told earlier!’

Let me tell you that I’ve discovered that the only thing you will be
remembered for is – not your career, your money, your success,
houses – the influence you have had and left in other people’s
lives. My advice: start young. Start now and leave a legacy of
changed lives for Christ. This is a true life changing legacy that
will last for all time.

How you look at it is pretty much how you’ll see it

- Rasheed Ogunlaru
110

Think beyond the herd

D
on’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it
without even thinking. Instead fix your attention on God. You’ll
be changed from the inside out.’ (Romans 12:2a, The Message) We
all want to be special; but end up making herd choices in the name of
individuality.

The Bible tells us that we are born to change the world. Restoration is
our destiny, restoration of life, beauty, hope, compassion, justice, love,
dignity, kindness. Our culture aches for this ‘other’ story.

As far back as I can remember I have looked for approval, proof that I
matter. From people I liked and didn’t, I sought validity, worth. I was gift-
ed and smart, desperate to live free from the religion I was reared on. In
my need to be a somebody, to feel like my life mattered, I sacrificed my
heart and liver only to discover an alarming truth – there are as many
rules in the pub as the pew. I was flying high on grades but riding low on
emotion. A discerning chaplain gently remarked, ‘Has no-one ever told
you that you are loved?’ These words would haunt me for years to come;
they would flash through my mind as I drove my car at a wall at 60mph.
At rock-bottom, I called out for more.
 111
You see we were designed to live in the light, to fix our eyes on the
One who knows us and loves us, who created us with worth pumping
through our veins. We have access to the world as He sees it. We can
know what is really up, and make our choices accordingly.

I heard a lot about Hell growing up, but not the truth about its host. I
heard that he was our enemy, and he is, but it isn’t that simple. The truth
is, our only value to him is as ammunition against his real target – Jesus.
We are mere commodities in his cosmic schemes. He keeps us chasing
our tails. We buy one more product, try one more hit, take one more
exam only to discover that the top is still a way off. With each failed at-
tempt we trade something of our precious humanity.

We were born for the light, but our enemy will do anything to keep us in
the dark, deluded about our design, our purpose, our destiny, our essen-
tial worth. He doesn’t want his pawns to think, to question the narrative
you are being sold. He wants us to fit right in.

Do you know that you are loved? Your creator has encoded divinity
within humanity. Don’t fall for anything less than all that you were cre-
ated to be and become. Don’t exchange your birthright for empty promis-
es. In the freedom that comes with knowing who you really are, from the
inside out, you can engage with the world around, a world desperate for
the light that each of us carry.

We were not born to keep a set of rules made up by a dying culture,

but to see ourselves and the world through the eyes of a loving Creator.
To put it another way, ‘What good would it do to get everything you
want and lose you, the real you?’ (Mark 8:36, The Message) For too long
I played the enemy’s game, I played it well. I have the scars to prove it.
But at the point of losing myself I was given another chance to live into
myself.

So go on – rebel, like your life depended on it. In fact it does.

 K D O WN
I A GE BREA
MA R R

Seek out empathetic friends,

be vulnerable with God
 113
T
wo nights before I got married, one of my out-of-town
guests came up to me and said: ‘Just in case no one has said
this to you, let me just tell you – you don’t have to do this.’
After he walked away I of course responded with great maturity
– I huffed indignantly to one of my bridesmaids. I was 24, with
no idea that in four years my marriage would crumble and that I
would have a very different perspective on my wedding guest’s
warning.

To be clear, I was not a girl who put marriage on a pedestal. I was

in no rush to get to the altar. And I had what I consider to be
realistic expectations of the enterprise. I figured part of it would
be great and part of it would suck, but if I’m honest I don’t think I
ever anticipated I’d be going through the Big D. Until I did.

I’m not going to go into the specific ‘whys’ of my marriage

breakup. I hope it suffices to say that it’s undoubtedly the great-
est failure of my life. C.S. Lewis likened divorce to having your
legs cut off. I don’t know about that, but it was all a blur of pain,
confusion, doubt and guilt. It was also sadly a time of rejection by
certain Christian friends.

A few months after we separated and word of our split had started
to spread, I made a somewhat naïve choice to attend a friend’s
wedding. I barely kept it together during the ceremony and had
just grabbed a drink at the reception, when a Christian colleague
approached me and said: ‘You’re making Jesus cry.’

I questioned her timing more than her sentiment. Nine years

later I still feel the sting of her public rebuke – rubbing salt in
my wounds. I felt like the scarlet D on my chest had cast a pall
over my friends’ celebrations and I wanted nothing more than to
114
disappear. When I told a friend about the encounter, she said: ‘I
think you’re about to learn very quickly how much some value
their principles over people.’ She was right. I lost some friends. And
when I moved to London and started making new friends, I found
it difficult to explain why I wasn’t even remotely interested in dat-
ing or marriage.

It happens. Things fall apart. I think that a willingness to face this

fact is what prompted my out-of-town wedding guest’s words of
advice. Looking back, I wish I’d taken them more seriously, humbly
and graciously. After all, statistics seem to show that just as many
Christian marriages end in divorce as other-than-Christian mar-
riages. And I do think maybe that does make Jesus cry… but I cling
to the hope that he’s been weeping with me in my pain, and with
so many others.

I confess every time I hear wedding bells now, I automatically

think of the words of Leonard Cohen: ‘Ring the bells that still can
ring / Forget your perfect offering / There is a crack in everything
/ That’s how the light gets in.’

I may have been cracked but the glue of grace is holding. I

wouldn’t wish the agony of divorce on anyone: Christian, not-a-
Christian, twenty-something, thirty-something, any-something.
But if you’re out there and you’re going through it, I pray to God
you have an empathetic friend or family member you can be vul-
nerable about it with.
DON’T EAT MORE

FOOD THAN
YOU CAN

lift

Don’t be ashamed. Get help

116
I
won’t go in to all the details of my life other than to say that
when I went to university I developed an eating disorder. It
started when I found myself living in a residence where three
cooked meals were provided. For me, the fact that my parents had
already paid for it meant that I was obliged to eat it. In fact, I was
so concerned with waste that I was tempted to send food parcels
home. As a result I returned home at Christmas a stone heavier
than when I left. Drastic action was called for and drastic action
was taken on my return to Scotland. I stopped going to breakfast
or returning to halls for lunch and went to play squash instead. In
fact, squash became a bit of an obsession; as did food.

The less you eat, the more preoccupied you become with food. I
returned to Belfast at Easter with anorexia. It was visible to every-
one and of course my family worried but I was quite proud of my
achievement.

Ironically when you are anorexic, others envy you for your self-
control when in fact you eventually become totally out of control.
Food becomes the enemy. You must not surrender to the enemy.
But the enemy has the power. It was a tortured existence. Eventu-
ally the self-control slipped and I hurtled from anorexia to bulimia.
I think this might have been worse. I’m not sure. My weight
became more or less normal but my every waking hour was preoc-
cupied with food. What I’d eaten, what I was going to eat, what I
could eat, what I couldn’t eat. My university experience was lost to
this horrible illness.

Thankfully for me, after about eight years I recovered. I’d had sev-
eral years of support from a psychiatrist, attended workshops in
London, had people pray for me and read lots of books but in the
end I had a Damascene moment. I wakened one morning and said
to myself: ‘I am not going to do this to myself any more. I am never
going to diet again.’ It was a sunny Sunday and I took myself for a
 117
walk up Cavehill and looked over Belfast. When I came down again
I was exhausted and hungry. I stopped at a paper shop and bought
a Mars Bar. I can almost taste it now it was so good. Good because I
enjoyed it and for the first time in so many years I didn’t feel guilty.
The high I experienced was beyond anything drugs could ever do
for you. I reckon the high lasted for nearly four years.

Overnight I accepted the fact that my body could and would tell me
what it needed if I would only trust it to do so and eat only when
I was hungry. This wisdom had come from a feminist workshop I
had attended and also from a book called ‘Never diet again’ which
I had read probably a year before the penny had actually dropped.
I became an evangelist for the cause of ‘Eat what you want’ and
extremely annoying to the many people I worked with who were
constantly on diets and couldn’t understand the relish with which
I could tuck in to a toasted doorstep of plain bread dripping with
butter and jam.

I wish I could say that this attitude has been permanent. Sadly it
hasn’t. Having a family to feed interfered with the principle of eat-
ing when and where I wanted. Sadly I have given in to the tempta-
tion of dieting on and off over the years. Thankfully I have never
gone back to the dark days of a real eating disorder.

So what have I learned and what would I want young people to

learn from my experience. It is too trite to say ‘never go on a diet!’
There is serious pressure on young people, both male and female, to
look good and have model figures. So what I would say is this: I lost
eight years of my life. Others have lost their life. Eating disorders
are dangerous. Never ever feel like you are the only one in the
world who is screwed up. Everyone is screwed up in their own way.
Talk to someone. Don’t be ashamed. Get help. There is help out
there. When I recovered I became a psychiatrist so trust me I know.
THE DIFFERENT LANGUAGES OF

L O V E

We are wired differently.

find out what makes others feel loved!
 119
G
ary Chapman is a Christian husband, author and pastor
who wrote a book called The 5 love languages: The secret to
love that lasts. Now don’t get me wrong, I have learned to
run a mile from most ‘how to’ books as I just tend to end up feeling
worse after reading them – I can’t sustain the advice from ‘Twenty
ways to improve your prayer life’ or ‘how to micro-manage your
hamster’ or whatever it is for more than a day or two! But I can
truly say that after over thirty years of marriage I wish I’d read
this one when I was in my Twenties.

I encourage you to read the book in full but the author looks at
five expressions of love: using words of affirmation; acts of service
(where actions speak louder than words); receiving gifts; giving
the other person quality time (your undivided attention) and the
importance of appropriate physical touch. The book provides an
analysis of emotional preferences in order to identify your pri-
mary love language and the others on a sliding scale.

Now here’s the interesting bit. For twenty-five years I thought

my wife would respond to the same things that I love. What do
I love? Physical touch. (Gary Chapman says this about physi-
cal touch: ‘This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person
whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly,
very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thought-
ful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to
show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and
accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgiv-
able and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and
belonging in any relationship.’) If you rub my back, give me a hug,
that’s it, simples…

However, when it comes to my beloved, after we looked at the

love languages we realised that her primary one was … wait for
120
it… DOING THE DISHES! YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS?! But yes,
its true. ‘Acts of service’ truly make my wife swoon at how much
I love her. All those years trying to give her a cuddle to say ‘I love
you’, all those bunches of flowers…

Now just because dong practical things for my wife ‘floats her
boat’ doesn’t mean she doesn’t appreciate the other expressions of
love, but let’s just say since then I have become a dedicated washer
of dishes.

To quote from the book again: ‘Can vacuuming the floors really
be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the
burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person
will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let
me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making
more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings
don’t matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipi-
ent of these acts.’

Fortunately we both found that quality time was high up on both

our lists so we make sure we carve out time each week to give
each other our undivided attention. This isn’t ‘the be all and end
all’ and, to be honest, for us praying together and for each other
is still the most important thing for us but the practical insight
gained through understanding ‘the 5 love languages’ whether
you’re married or not, will help you understand how to love better
and to communicate that love to others in an appropriate way.

The point is here that if you truly love someone you want to find
what makes them feel loved not what you think makes them feel
loved.
 121

Reading the gauge

Find a spiritual rhythm and life balance

122
T
here were many things I loved about my first car – the free-
dom it brought, the image it gave me, the smell of the worn
leather upholstery and the way it impressed my girlfriend.
The sleek, smooth lines of that beige and rust-coloured, egg-
box-shaped Mazda gave me a credibility way beyond my natural
capacity for cool! One thing, however, proved a constant source
of frustration to me – the needle on the fuel gauge didn’t work; at
least not consistently. To discover how much fuel lay in the tank
involved tapping the gauge with a frustrated finger and watching
the usually inactive needle swing lazily across to indicate the level
of fuel before swinging back to its usual resting place. This meant
two things: one, I ran out of fuel constantly and, two, I spent an
inordinate amount of time staring at the dashboard of my car. As
a result of which the various readings of temperature, mileage,
warning lights of all kinds, became ultra-familiar to my panicking
eyes. I learned never to ignore the gauges.

One of the most important lessons I have learned over the years
since, usually through failing to do it, is to pay attention to my
gauges, not of my car but of my life. We all have gauges in our
lives, the physical gauge, the emotional gauge and the spiritual
gauge. For me as a young Christian and as a committed church
leader, I often paid the price for failing to read my gauges. Physi-
cally, I lived my life to the full: working hard at school, Bible
College, at work, and attending events with a bulging diary and
significant responsibility. Emotionally, I invested in people: listen-
ing, caring, serving, encouraging, helping, selflessly involving
myself in the lives of other people. Spiritually, I served God to
the best of my ability and tried to live an energetic Christian life,
taking every opportunity to be involved in spiritual activities. The
mistake I frequently made was using up more fuel than I was tak-
ing in, leaving me ‘running on empty’ and needing to replenish my
resources. I so often found myself physically exhausted, emo-
 123
tionally drained and spiritually mediocre and bored. The needle
pointed firmly to empty on every gauge.

Facing up to my own emptiness was a real challenge because

at times I felt invincible. I gradually, slowly, at times painfully,
learned that I had to refuel constantly in order to keep going and
give out consistently to others. Take in so that I could give out.

For me, this meant regular rest in the midst of all the busyness –
to laugh, to walk, to read, to party, to play, knowing that God also
made us to have fun. Emotional refuelling came through choosing
close friends wisely and creating relational space to be listened to,
to reflect with others who encouraged and believed in me – people
who energized rather than drained me. Spiritual refuelling meant
reading helpful books, finding a series of mentors, learning from
others, cultivating devotional habits to feed my soul and allow the
Holy Spirit to work on me. I realised my life needed a rhythm and
a balance if I was to keep going for the long haul.

The following passages are helpful in helping you learn to read

your gauges and refuel regularly to avoid running on empty: 1
Timothy 4;16 (Watch your life and doctrine closely) and Matthew
11; 28–30 (Learn the unforced rhythms of grace … keep company
with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly).

Good judgment comes from experience,

and often experience comes from bad judgment.
- Rita Mae Brown
124

avoiding

Don’t let fear hold you back

 125
L
ooking back, if I could do one thing differently, I would have
given myself more fully to what I believed (and believe) in.
That is to say, I would have lived more purposefully, more
intentionally, more ‘all-out’. And I would have sought to make
better use of my time – life is a precious gift, and you only get one
chance to either live it to the full or to squander it.

And I would have more carefully chosen my heroes. At the end of

the day, match-winning goals or tries, and viral music videos don’t
amount to all that much. And I would have given into fear less and
would have tried to ‘go for it’ more. And I would have tried to love
more generously. In short, I would have given myself more fully to
what I believe in.

Oscar Schindler was a remarkable man, saving a couple of

thousand Jews from horrible concentration camp deaths (watch
Schindler’s List if you haven’t), yet he suffered the heart-wrench-
ing pain of not giving himself fully to what he believed in. ‘I could
have done more, I should have done more’, he said. The rich young
ruler went away from Jesus sad (Luke 18:18-23), because, while
he was on the right path, he just couldn’t bring himself to give
himself fully to what he believed in.

As a teenager and continuing as a young man, I found it difficult

to not be distracted by sport, by media and by all ‘the latest’. Learn-
ing to say ‘no’ to self, and to yield to a higher purpose and greater
sense of meaning and destiny was (and is) a huge challenge – and
I regularly fell short of the mark. Becoming more familiar with
the saints of yesterday as well as the saints of today has given me
much more vision for what ‘life lived to the full’ really ought to
look like – and so I wish I would have known more of them earlier
in my life.
126
I see more clearly now how often I gave into fear, and how I al-
lowed fear to make me smaller than I was and smaller than what
I should have been. Fear of what other people would think of me
if I somehow took a stand as a follower of Christ. Fear of looking
proud or pretentious if I offered to serve in some way and put my
head above the parapet. Fear of failing or looking stupid or weak if
I embarked upon a course and then suddenly found myself in over
my head. Too many times fear won the day, courage faltered, and I
was unable to give myself fully to what I believed in.

Early in my Christian life I discovered that following Christ is liv-

ing a life of love. It is both a great joy and a great grief, because he
who loves much suffers much. But Jesus gave his all, and so I want
to give my all as well – which costs. (Having lived in five differ-
ent countries, nowhere is quite ‘home’. Having decided to remain
single – even though having a wife and children are wonderful
things – to be freer to serve God wherever and however he calls
me, I have no ‘family’ in the way most people do. Yes, these are
my personal choices and are not for everyone, but it is the path of
sacrificial love that God has embarked me upon.) I want to avoid
tragedy, I want to give myself fully to what I believe in – so I am
going for it.

Luke 18:18-23: ‘And a ruler asked him, “Good Teacher, what shall I
do to inherit eternal life?” … And Jesus said to him, “One thing you
still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you
will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” But when he
heard this he became sad, for he was very rich.’

Oh yeah, and one other hindsight – when I fell down, I wish I

would have been quicker to just get back up again.
127
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