CHIDI

What are you doing?

ELEANOR
Dude, I'm freaked out about my meeting with
Michael, and if I spend one more second staring at
Creepo the Clown, I'm gonna lose it.

CHIDI
You named the clowns?

ELEANOR
Psycho, Creepo, Crazy Head, Stupid Juggling Weirdo,
Freaky Feet, and Nightmare George Washington. One
of them has to go.

CHIDI
Oh, sexy mailman. Much better.

ELEANOR
In five minutes, Michael wants my help
investigating what's making the neighborhood go
nuts, which is obviously me. I mean, I did promise
I would help. What do I do here?

CHIDI
Actually, the answer is…

ELEANOR
Right here in this easily understandable comic
strip.

CHIDI
Nope, in this book about the theory of
contractualism.

ELEANOR
"What We Owe to Each Other." [gasps.] I saw this
movie. Laura Linney cries in a lake house because
Jude Law left her for his ex-wife's ghost.

CHIDI
No. Quick summary of contractualism. Uh, imagine a
group of reasonable people are coming up with the
rules for a new society.

ELEANOR
Like if your Uber driver talks to you, the ride
should be free?

CHIDI
Sure, but anyone can veto any rule that they think
is unfair. So if you said, "We should be able to
break our promises without any repercussions,"
someone would veto that rule.

ELEANOR
Well, my first rule would be that no one can veto
my rules.

CHIDI
Well, that's called tyranny. And it's generally
frowned upon. If you make a promise to someone, you
should do it. Just like I promised to help you and
still am, despite your constant mockery.

ELEANOR
[mockingly.]
"Despite your constant mockery." Whatever, you love
it. So either I help him find the problem, which is
me, and I'm doomed, or I don't help him, and then
I'm behaving unethically and the whole world goes
crazy and I'm caught anyway. I need to figure out a
way both help him and not help him at the same
time.

CHIDI
That's literally not possible.

ELEANOR
Oh, really? I once posed as a hot prom date for my
cousin, both helping him and later, according to
his therapist, not helping him.