distinctions

Autumn 2012

T h e Q u a r t e r l y N e w s l e tt e r f o r C l i e nt s a n d F r i e n d s o f

N E W V E N T U R E S W E S T

Loneliness: Unseen Soul Crusher

by James Flaherty

“Lingzhao’s Helping” (China, 8th century)

One day, Layman Pang and his daughter, Lingzhao, were out selling bamboo baskets.
Coming down off a bridge, the Layman stumbled and fell. When Lingzhao saw this, she
ran to her father’s side and threw herself to the ground.

“What are you doing?” cried the Layman.

“I saw you falling so I’m helping,” replied Lingzhao.

“Luckily no one was looking,” remarked the Layman.

From Record of the Hidden Lamp: 100 Koans and Stories from 25 Centuries of
Awakened Women, forthcoming from Wisdom Publications, edited by Florence
Caplow and Susan Moon.

At first reading the above koan may seem impenetrable, but there are many ways in; many angles of meaning. We’ll get
to those below.

But for now let me pose a preliminary question: what is “helping” someone? This may seem like an obvious question
with quite clear answers. But we all have had occasions when we tried to help people and the results have not been
favorable. Sometimes we’ve tried to help people to accomplish something or resolve something and it turned out
that what we thought they were doing was quite different than what they were doing—e.g. we put away our partner’s
clothes that were left on the bedroom floor only to realize later that s/he had laid them out to discover an outfit to
wear to Saturday’s party.

To help, it’s necessary to know what someone is up to and, often, what effect the person wants the action to have. For
example, walking through the gym we can readily see that folks there are attempting to lift heavy metal objects, but if
we help them by pushing up the weights we won’t be seen to be helping.

You might conclude from what I’ve said that we ought to wait for someone to ask before we help. But the spontaneous,
attuned daughter in the story didn’t ask. Our partner walking up six floors of stairs with heavy bags of groceries may not
ask but will be hurt if we don’t help. So again comes the question: what is “helping”?

INDEX
Practice of the Quarter........................3
Poems of the Quarter...........................4
Book of the Quarter............................ 5

UnConference Update.........................6
Grad News..............................................9
Course Calendar..................................10
 (continued from p.1)

It’s a key question for human beings and, more pointedly, What has it felt like in your life? Let’s start our investiga-
for coaches. tion there. When you are in the midst of this experience,
what is happening somatically? Emotionally? What recur-
I’ll fold all these ideas back into my other remarks later, ring thoughts are you having? What narrative, what iden-
but here’s my main topic: tity are you in the midst of?
As a coach I have the exquisite privilege of becoming a That study may well say much more that is useful and
confidante of marvelous people. Frequently in the last clear than what I have to say here. Please engage with
half-year or so, in the early stages of coaching engage- it—doing so could illuminate much of your individual
ments, many have revealed that the root of their suffering inner workings and provide you with a deeper under-
is deep loneliness. standing of your clients.
Camouflaged by many relationships, hidden in the midst Loneliness is much more common than some of us know
of a vibrant social life, covered up by the complexity and about or imagine.
stress of a busy career lies a searing sense of loneliness.
However effective, efficient, or In the center of loneliness, as I
creative these folks get in re- see it, is a feeling of shame be-
solving the issues that brought cause we have somehow been
them to coaching, or however left behind, shut out, abandoned.
successful they become in other Of course it doesn’t matter what
realms of their life, they suffer the external events are; this is
terribly. how the world is registering for
us when we are lonely. We have
No client yet has led with this the frequently unexamined and
as a coaching issue. My curiosity nearly unconscious feeling that
got strongly activated, though, we must have done something
when the client had either no wrong—or neglected to do some-
power to initiate practices or thing right—and that’s why we
when no relief or spaciousness are in this condition. We can’t,
arose from the engagement with though, for the life of us, find out
practices. What was going on? what that is.
The conversations we had, without recrimination to ei- We try pleasing others more or attempt to become inde-
ther client or coach, revealed that the client felt something pendent or somehow irresistible, or smarter or richer or
much more painful than lack of support or frustration from tougher or… But as soon as we become still for just a mo-
not getting the desired results. ment, we feel the sharp shards piercing into us.
They said they felt lonely. I’ve been studying loneliness This whole phenomenon becomes worse when many of us
since then. conclude that there must be something genuinely wrong
because no one is around, and we consequently live in that
So far, I’ve discovered that loneliness is not an external
narrative as our reality, acting in ways that keep people at
event. It doesn’t arise because people are not around (see
the proper distance because if they got closer they would
the famous book The Lonely Crowd for a grounded study of
discover what is rotten at our core.
this phenomenon). It can show up even when we are sur-
rounded by people that we know love us (see the reports We have all met people like this. Some of us are like this.
and memories of many adolescents raised in the West).
It appears in spiritual communities with people who are What to do about it—or, if you like the language better,
awake and aware. how to be with it, relate to it?

What is it? The most essential point is to be able to understand in a

felt-sense way that loneliness is an experience that appears
What brings it about? for its own reasons and does not have information about
our value or how other people feel about us.
How do we relate to it in a life-giving way?

(continued on p.3)


 (continued from p.2)

That realization can take a long time of staying present

with the experience as it arises: staying centered in the
midst of the nearly overwhelming sensations, thoughts
and emotions and seeing that we are still there as an entity
distinct from the experience of loneliness.

The second step is also difficult for many of us, as it re-

quires us to become vulnerable, which means working to
reinterpret vulnerability not as a situation that allows us
to be hurt, but as putting us in a condition where we can
make contact. As a practical matter, this means saying to
people with whom we feel safe enough that we are lonely.
We let them help us.

Which brings us back to the koan. One way I think about

the story is that the daughter was helping her father be ex-
actly and precisely where he was—and by being with him we let people know that we see them and, in doing so, let
she could soften any embarrassment or shame he may have them see us.
felt from falling. Not a big deal—she followed her heart.
Much more on this topic in the poetry, book of the quarter
She acted from the deep experience—the deep know- and practice of the quarter that appear later in this issue.
ing—that we are always and everywhere in it together.
Take care of yourself.
That knowing, of course, is the final resolution of loneli-
ness, which is what allows people to become healthy her- Love,
mits or live well at a distance from those we love.

We cannot jump to that place of resolution, but we can

begin by building our capacity to stay with the feeling, the
experience of loneliness and then soften ourselves so that

© New Ventures West® 2012

PRACTICE OF THE QUARTER

Exploring Loneliness
Please do this practice for 30 to 40 days.

Please stop three times per day and write down brief answers to the following questions so that you can begin
to notice patterns. Please read the lead article of the newsletter for orienting information about this exercise.

During this period of time:

• Did I have any experience of loneliness? If yes, how did it appear emotionally, somatically and
cognitively?

• If I felt any loneliness how did I respond? For example, did I step back and question myself? Did I step
forward and make contact with others?

• How vulnerable—available for genuine, warm contact with others—did I make myself? What consequence
did this have in my conversations and relationships?

• What action(s) will I take up, put down or modify from what I learned from this exercise?

© New Ventures West® 2012


POEMS OF THE QUARTER

Poems by Hafiz
From A Year With Hafiz: Daily Contemplations
by Daniel Landinsky

There Is a Face Here

Who would want to leave your side, God,
and cause mischief, when you act like that?

Don’t you know you could bring an end to

all the pillaging, and so much suffering,
if you just walked through the streets
looking at everyone, as you often now do
toward me? Allah Knows His Place
There is an enchanging face here, between Every day they fall, the leaves, a body dies
these words, if you can slow down enough and sings in a voice few hear.

you will see me, beholding you, beholding
you, in such an extraordinary way.
Thousands Enter Your Court
Most live in a constant state of comparison.
Thousands enter your court each day, where
you judge.
How many things though get your personal
attention to the extent you might speak to them
or place your hand against their body?
Names and forms are drowning before me.
Sugar and salt blocks were all things, dissolving
now in the Ocean of Light.
Someone calls out for help in the dark, wanting
to remain the limited, wanting to keep the
nightmare intact ... what should I do, when a
door is now open to return to your self?
And every hour life again moves new, a unique
composite of everything, an infant.
All there is placed you in our care. Each of
us should be paraded through the streets,
honored like a visiting prince.
The air, clearer today than I can remember.
There was something about the wind
that was different. It seemed excited about
some grand event it knew for certain,
beforehand, would happen.
I walked into a shop. Feeling overwhelmed
from all the enchantment outside,
I said to the man behind the counter, “God is
great and everywhere today.”
And the old merchant responded, “I am
thankful Allah knows His place, His throne,
which is every atom, we too, are made to
sit upon and reign.”


BOOK OF THE QUARTER

Ego:The Fall of the Twin Towers and

the Rise of an Enlightened Humanity
by Peter Baumann and Michael W. Taft
The authors bring together multiple, varied sources to make some
important points about the origins and power of the human ego.
Human evolution is the primary frame of the work, and they do
their best to show how many factors came together synchronistical-
ly to bring about contemporary human beings. For example, as the
hand of proto-humans evolved it allowed for greater manipulation
of tools and weapons, which facilitated there being more protein
in the diet, which allowed for a greater capacity with language and
the consequent coming together of larger groups of people … you
can see how this swirls around and how each part contributes and
is built upon the others. Over several million years of this process,
the management function that we call the ego appeared as a nec-
essary coordinating ability that we have unfortunately taken to
be who we are. Human suffering, both individual and collective,
inevitably followed.
Summary
The emotionally gripping part of the book, however, is the blending in of the Scale 1–5
9/11 story in vast and intimate detail. The telling is used to illustrate, in a way
all of us can understand, how the ego operates.
Both of these streams come together 75% of the way through the book, when Usefulness
the authors make the argument for seeing through our ego and consequently
not identifying with it. They’ve gone to great lengths to make sure that every-
thing they say in the book is based upon well-grounded scientific research and Accessibility
documented observations. The book then becomes a convincing invitation to
know ourselves in a new way with the background realization that, if we don’t
release from our ego, it will bring great mischief to our own life and suffering
Rigor
to many others as well.
A wonderful sourcebook for much cogent information and an entry point for
powerful and liberating conversations. Potential to
Change Reader
—James Flaherty

© New Ventures West® 2012


 U N C O N F E R E N C E U P D AT E

What’s Essential Now: Honing our Response

Based on wonderful feedback and suggestions
by our grads, the New Ventures West faculty
has been busy developing the format and
content of our first-ever conference so that it
addresses the most fundamental needs and
inquiries of our worldwide community.
Now, James Flaherty invites the New
Ventures West community to join in an
unprecedented six-month developmental
experience that expands far beyond the scope
of any old conference—so far, in fact, that
we’re calling it an UnConference. Here’s
more from James.

The Why
The world is in a condition requiring all of
us to bring all of ourselves to it. We all know
this, sense this and many of us feel drawn
to do something about it in a substantial,
collective way.
Now is the moment to take action on our
longstanding dream to organize a worldwide
conference to bring together our faculty and
students from around the globe.
The What
We have designed a six-month community-
building, competency-cultivating process whose
central piece is a three-day conference in San
Francisco in May.
The UNCONFERENCE:
A six-month developmental journey
n Registration opens January 1
n Coursework begins in March
n Three-day conference May 13-15
n Coursework continues through August
n Development continues indefinitely!
The Whos and Hows
The developmental journey begins as soon as
you register. At that moment you will join a
pod of 10 to 15 people that will be facilitated
by New Ventures West faculty. Additionally
you will receive a series of reflective questions
and exercises that will open up new avenues of
inquiry and learning for you.
The pods will have three teleconferences before
the live event, and we will set up social media so
that the small groups can stay in communication
and deepen relationship between formal
meetings. The teleconferences will explore and
extend what’s been opened up in the questions
and exercises. There will be three sets of these
for you to engage with before the conference.
The pod will meet as an individual group during
the conference. The meetings will be facilitated
by the same faculty member that has been part
of the group from the beginning. The group
process will be designed so that learning from
the different workshops that have been attended
(continued on p.7)


(continued from p. 6)
can be shared and integrated. Generating Creativity and
Because of the pre-work, the conference will Resilience Under Pressure
start at a deep level and progress from there.

At the Event
Our three days together at the conference
will be designed to address all parts of your
preparation to bring your self, your voice,
your contribution strongly into the world.
Head, heart and body will each be honored,
cultivated and integrated with the others.
Workshop leaders will be people specially
selected for their practical know-how, ability
to inspire and develop others, and their
openness to learning.
Each workshop will be half a day long and
For three years, senior faculty member Sarita
include exercises that deepen presence,
Chawla has been offering her popular course
integrate learning, and open up what’s next
Thwarting the Inner Critic around the world.
for you.
Students of all ages and backgrounds learn
We will share meals together, celebrate the to tame and dismantle the structures of the
joy of being together and begin to form bonds superego that hold us back and keep us small.
that can hold us throughout our lives.
A new video features Sarita talking more about
What’s Next what went into designing the course. She
explains how students of all ages and backgrounds
The conference doesn’t end, however, when
have been learning effective ways to keep the
the three days are complete. Each of the pods
damaging voices of the critic at bay.
will have three more meetings spread out over
several months and facilitated by our faculty, As always, this course is open to all—not just
so that the learning, issues and challenges of coaches! Please join us this winter with your
bringing your contribution strongly into the friends and family.
world can be spoken about, inquired into and
built upon.
Thwarting the Inner Critic
We will encourage the small groups to go
forward as they wish, and we faculty will be San Francisco, December 12-13
available to step in and provide additional Boston, March 28-29
support when requested.
Watch the video here.
We hope you can join us for this unprecedented
experience. Registration opens on January 1. Read more and register for the
Stay tuned for the announcement and directions course here.
on how to register. n


Congrats, Convivium!
Convivium, our Canadian partner company
founded by faculty members Pamela Pritchard
and Charles Brassard, has been filling classes and
gaining exposure. The below article appeared in
Le Magazine Les Affaires de La Presse, one of the main
French language newspapers in Montreal.

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 GRAD NEWS

Congratulations and welcome In Loving Memory

to our new graduates!
Michael Ansa, San Francisco, CA
Mark Barber, White Lake, Ontario, Canada
Martine Becu, Stratford, Ontario, Canada
Alicia Berberich, San Francisco, CA
Sheelah Bielenia, Konstancin-Jeziorna, Poland
Natasha Bonnevalle, Istanbul, Turkey
Stuart Campbell, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Frans Campher, Capel, Surrey, UK
Debbie Campher, Capel, Surrey, UK
Paola Ceccarini, Emeryville, CA
Nicole Cheff-Galván, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Flemming Christensen, Kobenhavn, Denmark
Leslie Copland, Portland, OR
Ruth Allen, a beloved, longtime member of the New
Ventures West graduate community, passed away
Stefan Cousquer, Madrid, Spain
unexpectedly on October 15. She was 68.
Fabiana Couto, San Francisco, CA
Jayne Daly, Encino, CA Ruth began taking coaching programs with New
Lisa Danforth, Bakersfield, CA Ventures West in 1991 and was a regular participant
Lara Dyer, Manotick, Ontario, Canada in the Coaching Reunion Weekends, Master Classes
Ivan Fenton, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada and Book Study Groups for 20 years. She was certified
in the Professional Coaching Course in 1999.
Samer Hassan, Gatineau, Quebec, Canada
Patricia Huemoller, Carmichael, CA Ruth had been a Senior Environmental Epidemiologist
Michelle Hynes, Portland, OR working with the federal government. She received
Kim Jackson, Glendale, CA her Ph.D. in environmental health from Yale
Rachelle Jacover, Portland , OR University in 1977 and a Masters in Public Health
Karima Kara, Gatineau, Quebec, Canada from Johns Hopkins University in 1984. She served
Nina Khan, San Francisco, CA on the faculty at American University and as adjunct
faculty at Yale. She was an author and frequent
Rudi Kindts, Esher, Surrey, UK
public speaker on health and environmental topics
Daryl King, Rayleigh, Essex, UK
including breast cancer and environmental risk,
Krisztina Kohlhaas, San Francisco, CA women’s health, geographic patterns of cancer, risk
Wai Poc, San Francisco, CA assessment and pesticide biomonitoring. She was
Phil Robbins, Woodbridge, Suffolk, UK also president of the AEH Institute, a coaching and
Karisma Rodriguez, San Francisco, CA resource center for health and excellence.
Andy Rogers, Leamington Spa, UK
Ruth lived in Reston, VA with her husband George.
Leland Sandler, Solana Beach, CA
She was a community leader for Reston Baha’i
Ruth Sinclair, Vancouver, BC, Canada
Community and a singer with the Metropolitan
Tanya Smith, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada DC Baha’i Chorale and the Art of Living NOVA
Carole Sullivan, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada Ashram Bhajan Singers.
Caroline Thibaudeau, Ashton, Ontario, Canada
Virginia Vega, Foster City, CA She’ll be deeply missed by her friends, family,
Stuart Warner, Newbury, Berkshire, UK colleagues, and all who knew her.


 COURSE SCHEDULE

FREE PROGRAMS THWARTING THE INNER CRITIC

COACHING ROUNDTABLE
One-day introduction to Integral Coaching and an opportunity
for graduates to reconnect and discuss a new coaching topic.
San Francisco December 8
VIRTUAL ROUNDTABLE
Free one-hour teleclasses on topics germane to Integral
Coaching. All calls take place from noon-1 p.m. Pacific Time.
November 6 with Steve March
Topic: “Learning to listen to the wholeness of our
client”
MEET THE LEADER CALL
Free one-hour calls hosted by leaders of the Professional
Coaching Course. All calls take place from noon-1 p.m.
Pacific Time.
November 28 with James Flaherty
December 18 with Robin Parker Meredith
FREE COACHING AS A GUEST CLIENT
Spend a half or full day being coached by a highly trained student.
Experience Integral Coaching® firsthand and come away with
fresh insights and practices. An important step for all aspiring
coaches, and open to all.
Washington DC Full day December 8
San Francisco Full day January 12
Half days Feb. 8, 9
Singapore Half days Jan. 18, 19
Designed and led by senior faculty member Sarita Chawla, this
popular class is open to the general public.
San Francisco December 12-13
Boston March 28-29
Cost: $675
COACH CERTIFICATION
The PROFESSIONAL COACHING COURSE
Certification program for independent and corporate coaches.
The next year-long programs begin:
London March 2013
Montreal (in French) February 2013
San Francisco November 2012
March 2013
Washington, DC April 2013
Singapore June 2013
Cost: $9,500 in the U.S.*
*See our website for international pricing and for
other dates and cities
GRADUATE PROGRAMS
BOOK STUDY GROUP WITH JAMES
Monthly conference calls with guest authors applying current
texts to Integral Coaching.
Quarters begin January, April, July, October
Cost: $375/quarter

COACH BUILDING BLOCKS MASTER CLASS WITH SARITA CHAWLA

A powerful program for grads on a topic relevant to our
COACHING TO EXCELLENCE coaching work and own self-development.
Two interactive days on the foundations of Integral Coaching. San Francisco December 14-15
Chicago November 13-14 Cost $475
Washington DC November 27-28
San Francisco December 4-5
London December 10-11 INTEGRAL COACHING IN ASIA
January 9-11 Join our growing Asia community of Integral Coaches!
Singapore January 11-12
Boston January 29-30
Coaching to Excellence
Cost: $695 in the U.S.* 11-12 January
*See our website for international pricing US$995 ($100 discount before 11 December)
COACH AS ENTREPRENEUR Free Coaching as
Build your business as a coach by finding your unique gifts and a Guest Client
developing your skills and way of being as an entrepreneur.
18 or 19 January
San Francisco November 2-4
May 3-5 Professional
Cost: $1,495
Coaching Course
Visit our website for a full list of courses Begins June 2013
taking place around the world US$12,000

PO BOX 591525 • SAN FRANCISCO • CA • 94159 • 800.332.4618 • WWW.NEWVENTURESWEST.COM

10