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 Table of Contents
About Playscripts
The Rules in Brief / Copyright Basics
Author ’s Note
Introduction
Title
30 Second Tag
Building
Days of Wine and Rosés
Every Time a Bell Rings, an Angel Gets to Salivate
Strong Direction
What I Assume People Think I Do When I Tell Them I’m a Performance Artist
German 101
Manifest Density
The Nice Knife of Night
How to War
Unspoken Laws of Human Nature Exposed
An Open and Shut Case
Writing As It Is Being Written
Prestidigitation
Henry VI, Act IV, Scene ii, Line 86
…It’s How You Do It
Macbeth
Memorial Day
The Art of Acting
Ode to 17
Service with a Simile
Ten Years…and six months
The Lower Depths
The Story of How Xxxx Xxxxxx Xxxxxx-Xx Xxx Xxxxxxxx
The Verdict (for Rodney King)
The Voices of Walter Schuman
Sudden Death and Resurrection
Flights of Fancy
The Lamb May Lie Down with the Lion But She Doesn’t Get a Lot of Sleep
Revolution
Tableau for Three (Right this way, sir)
Still Image on a Wall
Masterpieces of the Lyric Form
Night Vision
An Apology
Give and Take
Mr. Science Demonstrates Othello
Love, Phil
The Pitter-Pat of Tiny Feet
Oleanna by David Mamet
The River Stynx
Shaken
Ad Nauseam
Bad Review
Fool-Hearty
Snacktime at the RNC
It’s A Breeze
King Lear
Guilty
Practice Makes Prefect
That Summer Feeling
The Story of Hand in Glove
This Play Does Not Exist
We Are All Individuals
A Monologue
Blind Date
Honestly
Cyrano
Hair Director
Story Problems That Still Haunt Me
A Pair of Socks
Lip Readers
War Games
A Minute of Hope
Read Me Like A Book
Three Guys and a Doll
Part of the Problem
Lawsuit
Uncle Vodka
Genre Play #6: Horror
12 Photographs of Eadweard Muybridge in Motion
The Tricycle of Life
Da Vinci Decision
Flammable Pants
Regrets
The Life and Times of Noah Jacob Consider Whiteley-Allen as Written by His Father and Directed by
Robert Wilson
Zenith
These Things Are True
Obligatory
Heads You Lose
Congressional Compromise, or Revenge of the Hammer
Three Year Old Interview
The Goat
American Mantra
Early Capitalism
Pale Blue Eyes
Love It When You Ask
Mutual
Déjà Vu
15 Special Bonus Anti-Plays!
About the Author
Copyright Details
Script Specs
 Author’s Note on the Title and Nomenclature
Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind is billed as “an ever-changing attempt to perform 30 Plays
in 60 Minutes.” The rights to perform that show have been licensed exclusively to The Neo-Futurists
in Chicago where it has been continually running every week since December 2nd , 1988. It has also
been licensed to its two branches: The New York Neo-Futurists, running since April 2nd , 2004, and
The San Francisco Neo-Futurists, running since December 2nd , 2013. These productions by The Neo-
Futurists also tour nationally and internationally. The ongoing show is “ever-changing” because
every week audience members roll a die on stage to determine how many new plays the ensemble
must create and premiere for the following week. (To date Chicago has premiered a whopping 9,036
plays, and New York and San Francisco have created an additional 3,654 and 382 respectively.) This
book is a collection of 105 of those plays written and selected by the creator.
Hence, since the productions you license from this book are neither ever-changing nor premiering
new work, we insist your production of the show be titled 30 Neo-Futurist Plays from Too Much
Light Makes The Baby Go Blind (30 Plays in 60 Minutes). We have been enforcing this for decades
in order to distinguish your productions from The Neo-Futurists’ home shows and touring
productions. The title and subtitle—Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind and 30 Plays in 60
Minutes—have been nationally trademarked and the format itself is also protected through intellectual
rights, so please observe this and don’t make me come after you with a stick. If you need to produce a
shorter or, god forbid, longer show, you can merely adjust the title accordingly to be 15 Neo-Futurist
Plays from Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind (30 Plays in 60 Minutes), or 10 Neo-Futurist
Plays from…, or 87 Neo-Futurist Plays from…
By licensing the plays in this book under this title you are licensing the show’s format described in
the Introduction as well for the duration of your license. This format (timer, clothesline, menus,
random order, random admission, nametags, etc.) is to be used exclusively for performing the
licensed plays in this book and no others. You cannot include scripts from other books. The format
may not be adapted to include original scripts, nor can it be approximated to “create” a slightly
different show. (Don’t get me started on times I have had to wield that stick.) However, it is
understood that if, because of environmental limitations or “rules” set by “The Man,” you cannot
charge a random admission or perform in a random order with a clock, these variations can be made.
The main aim is to keep your show as Neo-Futurist and as similar to the original show as possible—
just not outside the boundaries of this license and international law. I have made every attempt at
making this book be a collection of specifically formatted scripts for this very purpose.
Also, a word on nomenclature: Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind is the name of a show made
up of plays. They are plays, not “sketches” or “skits” or “scenes” or any of the other dreaded s-
words. They are fully fleshed-out dramatic pieces that are neither improvised nor necessarily
comedic. (If Samuel Beckett can write a two-minute play, then so can I.) Hence the show is comprised
of 30 plays. Don’t let anyone call them otherwise. And the aesthetic you are operating under is Neo-
Futurism. The plays are Neo-Futurist, and the performers are called Neo-Futurists. “The Neo-
Futurists” is a corporate entity you should probably steer clear of. If you have specific questions feel
free to find me on Facebook. Break a leg.
Greg Allen
January 29, 2015
 Introduction
I created Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind (30 Plays in 60 Minutes) in the fall of 1988 and
managed to talk a group of eight theater artists to join me in exploring a crazy new performance
theory I dubbed “Neo-Futurism.” Based primarily on Italian Futurism with healthy slices of Dada,
Surrealism, Brecht, Fluxus, Happenings, Grotowski, and Augusto Boal thrown in, Neo-Futurism was
christened when “The Neo-Futurists” opened the show December 2, 1988 in Chicago, and continued
on to perform 50 weeks a year. This was followed by the New York Neo-Futurists who opened an
ongoing production of Too Much Light… on April 2, 2004 and the San Francisco Neo-Futurists who
did the same on December 2, 2013. Neo-Futurism has now come to be regarded as a thriving
contemporary theater movement, one that I teach in residencies all over the country and abroad.
What you hold in your hand is a collection of 90 plays (plus 15 “anti-plays”) that I wrote for the show
in its first 25 years. This is a special collection because is it aimed specifically at groups outside of
our company performing the show in the Neo-Futurist style without having to create their own plays.
(The rights to create your own Neo-Futurist show with your own original plays is outside the
parameters of this book). What I have found over the years is that many high schools, colleges, and
small non-Equity theaters are excited to perform our material but have been forced by our own books
to go outside of our aesthetic to do so. The fabulous previously published collections of our plays
(all published by Hope and Nonthings) have tended toward documentation of the show— scripts that
were written and performed in Too Much Light using the performers’/writers’ facts of their own lives
at that specific time. Those collections included mostly plays that, when performed by their authors,
were autobiographically true, but when performed by others, relied on you to “pretend” to be
someone else and having had life experiences you had not. This is patently antithetical to Neo-
Futurism, which is all about exploring the actual truth of being yourself on stage in front of a live
audience at that precise time. What I have collected here are all plays that (hopefully) you can perform
and make actually true for yourself as you perform them. Hence I have not included any of the
hundreds of plays I have written about my specific life experiences (being shot, crazy things my kids
have said, etc.) nor plays that specifically refer to current events (elections, deaths, news stories, etc.)
nor plays that need to be performed in Chicago at our theater called The Neo-Futurarium (which
happens to exist over a funeral home). These plays are for you to explore Neo-Futurism.

The Too Much Light Experience:

To produce this show, it’s important to understand the environment it’s performed in and how the
process works. The following elements are all part of the intellectual rights you get when you license
the right to produce “30 Neo-Futurist Plays from Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind” (we
insist on the “30 Neo-Futurist Plays from” terminology to clarify your productions from touring
productions by The Neo-Futurists). Here’s what you would encounter if you came to our production
in Chicago:
50 weeks a year, we perform Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night for a large, enthusiastic audience
who arrive early and line up around the block before the show. When we open the doors, we pass out
as many tokens to the line as we have seats in the theater. When we run out of tokens we know we are
sold out and invite the rest of the line to come back another night…perhaps a little earlier. The
audience is then escorted up the stairs, down the “Neo-Futurist Hall of Presidents,” through a kitchen,
and into what we call “The Neo-Futurist State Park” where you hang out and talk and eat goodies and
play games for about twenty minutes. Before we open the doors to the theater itself, we announce that
you are to exchange your token with us for the privilege of paying—currently “$9 plus $1 times the
roll of a single six-sided die.” Each of you in turn rolls a die into a box and pays that amount—a
randomly generated $10 to $15. You are then confronted with someone wearing headphones and
listening to loud music who asks you “What’s your name?” You answer but the headphone-wearing
ensemble member writes an erroneous name for you on a “Hello My Name Is:” nametag and tells you
to “Have a good show!” You peel off the back and slap it on your chest.
Before taking a seat, you are handed a menu with that week’s 30 play titles and photos of the
performing ensemble. After everyone is seated, an ensemble member welcomes you to the theater and
instructs you how the show is to proceed. You learn that everyone has a menu with a list of 30 play
titles that correspond to the 30 paper numbers that hang from a clothesline ten feet over the stage. You
are told to find a title that intrigues you and call out that number NOW! Cacophony ensues. The first
number heard by the ensemble will be jumped for and pulled down off the clothesline. The title will
be read off the back of the number, the paper wad will be tossed into the audience, the ensemble will
set up whatever is needed to perform that play, and then “Go!” is called. “Go!” designates the
beginning of every play and “Curtain!” designates the end. You are instructed that when you hear
“Curtain!” you are to quickly call out the next number of the next play you want to see. A 60-minute
darkroom timer is set on the back wall to keep everyone honest, and you are told that when the buzzer
goes off the show is over, no matter how many plays remain on the clothesline. This should inspire
you to be quick with your number calling. You practice calling a couple more numbers whenever the
ensemble member shouts out “Curtain!” They try to trick you into calling out a number when they say
“Go!” but you are too smart to fall for that. As explained, the goal for everyone is to have all 30
numbers pulled down off the clothesline and the plays completed before the 60-minute buzzer sounds.
You are told you are in charge. If the show is sold out and every seat is filled, an ensemble member
announces that there is a tradition: “When we sell out, we order out!” they shout and a pizza is
ordered for the audience to be delivered to the stage sometime during the show.
Before the darkroom timer is started, the ensemble members introduce themselves by name and point
out that, according to the tenets of Neo-Futurism, they will not be playing characters tonight but
everything they say and do will be true. You are encouraged to do the same. You are also warned that,
like the calling out of numbers, you may be counted on to take part in the performance. It is pointed
out that the plays range from funny to serious to abstract, from personal to political, and you have to
be ready for anything. The ensemble asks for a play number to start the show and you call out a
number. An ensemble member jumps for the first number they hear, pulls it down off the clothesline,
reads the title, tosses the paper wad into the audience, and the ensemble sets the stage for that play. An
ensemble member leads you in a countdown to start the clock (never 10 to 1 but something more
funky—prime numbers, Roman numerals, the seven dwarves, the Great Lakes by viscosity, etc.) and
the 60 minutes and first play begin with the word “Go!” In this way, you are submitted to a diverse
barrage of plays over the next hour, sometimes interrupted by a stunned pizza deliveryman.
Hopefully by the time the clock has counted off 60 minutes, all 30 plays have been pulled down off
the clothesline. If, as happens, the buzzer sounds and some plays remain unperformed hanging on the
clothesline that’s tough luck. (Although it should always be the aim to perform 30 plays in 60 minutes,
the audience can be asked if they want to see the rest of the plays, perhaps with a specific number of
extra minutes added to the clock.) After the Friday and Sunday performances in Chicago (Friday and
Saturday performances in New York), an audience member is asked to roll a die on stage. It is
explained that the total of the two rolls (2–12) is how many new plays will be changed for next week.
(On tour we tend to roll a single die each night and switch out that many plays by the next night.) After
the announcements, you are encouraged to come up and speak with the performers and grab a piece
of the pizza (cut into tiny bite-sized chunks) before you head home.

How to Use This Book:

I have given you 90 plays (plus 15 super-short “Anti-Plays”) to choose from to make your 30 play
menu. I have aimed for a wide variety of tones, forms, and subject matter to ensure diversity for your
production. Keep in mind that, if you are performing with a timer, “time is of the essence!” (to quote
Give and Take), so try to create a balance of longer and shorter plays. Keep in mind the 15 Anti-Plays
in the back of the book to give yourself some breathing room. Ideally you should avoid overlap so
that no two of the 30 plays you select would be compromised if the random performance order
happened to place them to be performed back-to-back. Hence you might not want to have a menu that
includes both of the plays in this anthology that go backwards (Revolution and Regrets) even though
both are fairly different plays. I’ll let you be the judge of what kind of menu you want to put together.
Licensing fewer or more than 30 plays is also certainly possible—you just need to change the title of
the show to 40 Neo-Futurist Plays from Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind, or whatever is
appropriate. If, after reading this anthology, you are inspired to write some of your own plays, I’m
sorry, we don’t allow a mix—you must use only these published scripts or contact me to make
arrangements to write your own. One of the huge advantages of working with this material is that it is
essentially cheap theater. The cast can perform in their street clothes and the show calls for no set. The
most you need to perform this show are a couple chairs, a darkroom timer, and a clothesline.
Although the hand props run the gamut, none of them are particularly pricey or hard to find. The
most expensive consumable might be the Styrofoam head in King Lear. Of course, you can stage
these plays as elaborately as you wish, but remember, the true impact of the show is from the
preponderance of the material and the class of its generated emotions and ideas, not the stagecraft or
brilliant “acting.”
Lastly, it is imperative that you make the show your own. I have created this anthology specifically
for you to do so. You should always use your own names on stage. I have arbitrarily used the names
“Jeff” and “Joan” as characters in the scripts (in honor of a play that inspired my work—Jeffrey
Jones’ Seventy Scenes of Halloween) as well as some of the names of my favorite playwrights. These
are merely placeholders for you to substitute in your own names. In some plays I simply reduced the
performers to “Man and Woman” or “One, Two, Three” etc… These are to encourage you to realize
anyone can play any part with little regard for gender. Also feel free to change the pronouns as you
see fit. However, if you are going to say something in a script that is patently untrue for you, choose a
different part or a different play. (For instance, only a parent who empathizes with the situation should
perform Shaken.) Try to make the show as honest and immediate on stage as possible, and if your
performer has a slightly different life experience than the one in the script, or a current event fits the
bill perfectly, feel free to substitute that in. I have tried to note where substitutions can be made but
there might be more. Also, if you happen to be in a situation where the adult vernacular of the plays is
deemed “inappropriate,” feel free to change or omit swear words as needed for you situation. (I have
always preferred creative solutions—like “fudge,” “melon-farmer,” and “poo”—so that the absurdity
of not swearing is pointed out.) Above all, it’s important to have fun and express yourselves—that’s
what Neo-Futurism is all about. Go!
Greg Allen
2013
 T ITLE
Cast of Characters
MAN
WOMAN

(A MAN and a WOMAN sit at a table on stage.)

MAN. Statement. Statement. Statement. Question?
WOMAN. Agreement.
MAN. Reassured statement. Confident statement. Confident statement. Overconfident statement.
WOMAN. Question?
MAN. Elaborate defensive excuse.
WOMAN. Half-hearted agreement.
MAN. Insecure statement. Distracted statement. Absurd statement.
WOMAN. Clarification question?
MAN. Panicked bullshit explanation. Quick meaningless comic non sequitur.
WOMAN. Laughter.
MAN. Fake laughter.
WOMAN. Laughter.
MAN. Fake laughter. Unconscious compliment of physical characteristics.
(Pause as he realizes what he said.)
WOMAN. Pleased response.
MAN. Shocked continuation of meaningless comic non sequitur.
WOMAN. Laughter.
MAN. Relieved laughter.
WOMAN. Laughter.
MAN. Relieved laughter.
WOMAN. Superficial compliment.
MAN. Self-assured agreement as denial. Exaggerated statement. Exaggerated statement. Grossly
exaggerated statement.
WOMAN. Clarification question?
MAN. Extremely exaggerated elucidation.
WOMAN. Mental compliment with accidental double entendre.
MAN. Confident laughter.
WOMAN. Embarrassed laughter.
MAN. Confident laughter. Confident suggestive proposition.
WOMAN. Violent denial.
MAN. Aghast repetition as question?
WOMAN. Disgusted violent denial.
MAN. Defensive incriminating implication.
WOMAN. Offended retort.
MAN. Aggressive childish insult.
WOMAN. Disbelieving rhetorical question?
MAN. Aggressive childish insult.
WOMAN. Stunned silence.
MAN. Aggressive childish insult!
WOMAN. Defensive childish response!
MAN. Aggressive childish insult!
WOMAN. Defensive childish response!
MAN. Aggressive childish insult!
WOMAN. Defensive childish response!
MAN. Attempted Condescending Conclusive Statement!
(He begins to rise to leave.)
WOMAN. (Rising:) BRILLIANT SCATHING REMARK WITH LITERARY ALLUSIONS AND
LONG-TERM DEVASTATING SCATALOGICAL IMPLICATIONS!
(She exits, leaving him destroyed at the table.)
MAN. Pathetic self-revelation.
Curtain
 30 SECOND T AG
(The moment this number is pulled down from the clothesline the title is read and immediately
followed by “Go!” This begins a game of “Tag” with whoever pulled down the number as “It.”
They tag the first ensemble member they can catch and the game goes on—no tag-backs, no fair
leaving the stage. The ensemble plays a furious game of tag until, about 15 seconds into the game,
whoever is “It” tags an audience member sitting in their seat. The audience realizes they are now
part of the game and chaos ensues with them tagging each other or running on stage and trying to
catch ensemble members. After about 30 seconds have elapsed an ensemble member calls
“Curtain!”)
 DAYS OF W INE A ND ROSÉS
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
MARIA
SAM
HAROLD
LYNN

(JEFF sits in a chair with JOAN standing over him. They “act” dramatically.)
JEFF. I must do something. I can’t just sit here and let it happen.
JOAN. But Michele, what can you do? After all, you’re just one man and they’re an angry mob.
JEFF. But it’s cold-blooded murder Lisette. It’s not just our enemies we’re killing, it’s ourselves!
JOAN. Relax. You must calm down. I’ll get you a sedative.
(She exits stage right.)
(Pause.)
(MARIA enters stage right with a styrofoam cup of water.)
MARIA. Here is your sedative dear. It will calm you down.
JEFF. (Looking oddly at her because it is a different actress, but going on:) Thank you, my dear. (He
drinks the water and immediately does a spit-take.) What are you doing giving me this? I know
poison when I taste it, and this… (Throws cup against back wall) …is poison! Be gone! Never set foot
in this house again! (MARIA runs out stage left.) Now we shall see who is in control of the
situation…
(JOAN re-enters from stage right with a cup of water.)
JOAN. Here is your sedative dear. It will calm you down.
JEFF. (Confused whether to go back or go on—ultimately sits down and goes back:) Thank you, my
dear. (Drinks water and does a spit-take.) What are you doing giving me this! I know poison when I
taste it, and this… (Throws cup against the back wall.) …is poison! Be gone! Never set foot in this
house again! (JOAN runs out stage left.) Now we shall see who is in control of the situation…
SAM. (From audience:) That’s not the right line Jeff.
JEFF. What?
SAM. That’s not the right line. You’re supposed to go on to the section about sedation and sedition.
JEFF. But what happened to Joan? She was supposed to come back—
SAM. Look, you blew the line. That’s why we went back.
JEFF. But what was Maria doing out here?
SAM. Don’t worry about it. Just go on from the poison entrance.
JEFF. But—!
SAM. Take it from the poison entrance!
 (JEFF is flustered but ultimately sits back down and looks off stage left, waiting for JOAN to
enter. Instead HAROLD enters from stage right with a cup, startling JEFF with the line.)
HAROLD. Here is your sedative dear. It will calm you down.
JEFF. What are you doing here!?
HAROLD. (Attempting to stay in character:) “Here is your sedative dear. It will calm you down.”
(JEFF looks around freaked out.)
SAM. (Still in audience:) Jeff, get a grip.
JEFF. What’s he doing here??
HAROLD. Sam, he’s fucking it up.
SAM. I know. Jeff, just go on with the script, would you? Please?!
(JEFF once again sits down.)
Thank you. Go on!
JEFF. Thank you my dear. (Exasperatedly takes cup from HAROLD, drinks, and does a half-assed
dribbling spit-take.) What are you doing giving me this. I know poison when I taste it, and this…
(Lame toss or cup towards back wall.) …is poison…
(HAROLD runs off stage left.)
LYNN. (Immediately entering from stage right with a cup:) Here is your sedative dear…
(This is too much for JEFF and he screams and runs off stage left.)
SAM. Oh God, now what? (He stands up and calls after the actor who just ran off.) Jeff!? Well if he
can’t do it I will. (He walks on stage and sits down in JEFF’s chair.) Let’s take it from your entrance
Lynn.
LYNN. (Backing up a couple paces and re-approaching the chair with the cup:) Here is your sedative
dear…
(SAM screams, jumps up, and runs off stage left exactly the same way that JEFF did, leaving
LYNN on stage with her cup. Not knowing what to do, LYNN looks at the audience, and decides to
go to an audience member with her cup.)
LYNN. Here is your sedative dear. It will calm you down.
(LYNN waits for the audience member to sip the water, do a spit-take, and say the lines. Whether
she is banished from the stage or not, after she gets a reaction all the other members of the
ensemble emerge from offstage carrying cups of water. They offer them to various audience
members with the line “Here is your sedative dear. It will calm you down.” Mayhem ensues. When
the mayhem ends…)
Curtain
 EVERY T IME A BELL RINGS,
A N A NGEL GETS T O SALIVATE
Cast of Characters
MAN

(A MAN stands on stage. All lines for this play are delivered with great expectant excitement and
rising inflection, like a ringmaster announcing the next amazing act. Hopefully the audience gets
into the mode of clapping after each announcement until this is subverted.)
MAN. (Gesturing to his right:) Ladies and gentlemen, (Name of man in the performing ensemble)!!!
(The named ensemble member briefly walks on from stage right and waves at the audience.)
(Gesturing to his left:) Ladies and gentlemen, (Name of woman in the ensemble)!!!
(The named woman walks on briefly from stage left and waves at the audience.)
(Gesturing to his right:) Ladies and gentlemen, my right arm!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, this sentence which gradually builds in volume and ends in UP
INFLECTION!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, the person sitting to your right!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, this handsome young man standing (Hopefully he stands.)…and hopping on
one foot (Hopefully he does so.) …in the second row!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, this beautiful young woman in the first row giving me a big kiss!!!
(She does or does not kiss him.)
(If not:) Ladies and gentlemen, my momentary heartbreak at being rejected.
(If so:) Ladies and gentlemen, my amazing shock at being accepted!
Ladies and gentlemen, your family!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, what you had for dinner this evening!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, your last orgasm!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, your apartment being burglarized at this very moment!
Ladies and gentlemen, President Sarah Palin!
Ladies and gentlemen, the fade of the lights.
(The lights begin to fade.)
Ladies and gentlemen, the end of this play!
Ladies and gentlemen, the curtain!
(He looks up as if a curtain were going to drop but of course it does not. The audience realizes he
has called “Curtain!” and calls out the next number.)
Curtain
Note:
This play can be adjusted and performed for either gender. If the idea of Sarah Palin as President does
not remain horrifying in the future, another hideous option can be used.
 STRONG DIRECTION
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
MARIA
SAM
HAROLD
LYNN
BILL

(Blackout. Seven people are spread out around the stage in the following pattern: JEFF and JOAN
stand next to each other center stage, SAM and MARIA stand stage right, HAROLD and LYNN
stand stage left, and BILL stands upstage center on a chair. All have flashlights. Throughout the
play, the flashlights of the people speaking illuminate the subject and object of their sentence.
Therefore, when saying “I say look at her,” JEFF lights himself on “I” and then JOAN beside him
on “her.” “You” is always the audience. When someone is not speaking, their flashlight is off. The
pace is quick. The attitude is aggressive.)
JEFF. I say look at her.
JOAN. He says look at me.
JEFF. I say look at her.
JOAN. Look at him.
JEFF. Look at me.
JOAN. I say look at him.
JEFF. She says look at me.
JOAN. I say look at him.
JEFF. Look at her.
JOAN. Look at me.
JEFF & JOAN. We say look at us.
We say look at you.
We say look at you,
Look at us,
Look at you.
SAM & MARIA. We say look at us.
HAROLD & LYNN. We say look at them.
SAM & MARIA. We say look at us,
Look at us.
HAROLD & LYNN. Look at them.
JEFF & JOAN. We say look at us.
SAM, MARIA, HAROLD & LYNN. We say look at them.
JEFF & JOAN. We say look at you,
SAM, MARIA, HAROLD & LYNN. Look at us,
Look at them.
BILL. I say look at me!
I say look at me!
I say look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me!
ALL OTHERS. We say look at her.
BILL. They say look at me.
ALL OTHERS.
We say look at you,
Look at us,
BILL. Look at me.
ALL BUT BILL. We say look at us.
We say look at you.
We say look at you,
Look at us,
Look at you.
We say look at you.
We say look at us.
We say look at us,
Look at you,
Look at us,
Look at you,
Look at us,
Look at you,
Look at us,
Look at you,
Look at us,
Look at you,
Look at us,
Look at you,
Look at us
BILL. Look at me!
Curtain
 W HAT I A SSUME PEOPLE T HINK I DO
W HEN I T ELL T HEM
I’M A PERFORMANCE A RTIST
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER

(Dissonant ambient music plays as the stage is low lit with swathes of moody light.
A MAN emerges from stage right dressed very pretentiously all in black.
He walks in slow motion with the grace of a gazelle and the concentration of some other animal
that tends to have a lot of concentration.
He reaches center stage, pauses, pompously looks left, pompously looks right, and then,
accompanied by a sudden abrasive light and musical shift, tears off his shirt and screeches
“MMOOOOMMMMMYYYYYY!!!! MMOOOOMMMMMYYYYY!!!!
MMOOOOMMMMMYYYYY!!!!” while two ensemble members run out and beat his chest with raw
meat.)
Curtain
 GERMAN 101
(This play must be number “9” on the clothesline. Whenever anyone in the audience calls out
“Nine!” an ensemble member starts to jump for #9 but instead turns and shouts “Nein!” back at
the audience. This shouting continues throughout the show whenever “Nine!” has clearly been
chosen by the audience. The play is never pulled down from the clothesline unless it is the last
number to be performed—then it is pulled down and torn to shreds in a fit of “NEIN! NEIN!
NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!” This play has no “Go” or “Curtain.”)
 MANIFEST DENSITY
Cast of Characters
MAN

(A MAN stands on stage with a fist full of one-dollar bills.)

MAN. (Shouting:) WHO WANTS A DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A
DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR? (When someone in the audience raises their hand, he points
to them and asks:) YOU WANT A DOLLAR?! YOU WANT A DOLLAR?! (When they confirm they
do, he shouts:) GET UP HERE ON STAGE! GET RIGHT UP HERE ON STAGE! (When they get up
on stage, he again repeats:) YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A
DOLLAR? (When they say “yes” the MAN kindly gives them a dollar.)
(As they return to their seat, he turns back to the rest of the audience and shouts:) “WHO WANTS A
DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR?” (Until someone in the audience
raises their hand. He points them out and asks:) “YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A
DOLLAR?” (When they confirm they do, he shouts:) “GET UP HERE ON STAGE! GET RIGHT UP
HERE ON STAGE!” (Until they get up on stage. He again repeats:) “YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU
WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR?” (When they say “yes” he says:) “Bark like a dog!
Bark like a dog!” (When the audience member barks like a dog the MAN gives them a dollar.)
(As they return to their seat, he again shouts:) “WHO WANTS A DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A
DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR?” (Until someone in the audience raises their hand. The MAN
points to them and asks:) “YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR?” (When they confirm
they do, he shouts:) “GET UP HERE ON STAGE! GET RIGHT UP HERE ON STAGE!” (Until they
get up on stage. He again repeats:) “YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU
WANT A DOLLAR?” (When they say “yes” he says:) “Show everyone your bellybutton! Show
everyone your bellybutton!” (When the audience member shows everyone their bellybutton he gives
them a dollar.)
(As they return to their seat, he shouts:) “WHO WANTS A DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR?
WHO WANTS A DOLLAR?” (Until someone in the audience raises their hand. He points to them and
asks:) “YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR?” (When they confirm they do, he
shouts:) “GET UP HERE ON STAGE! GET RIGHT UP HERE ON STAGE!” (Until they get up on
stage. He again repeats:) “YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A
DOLLAR?” (When they say “yes” the MAN says:) “Give me a kiss! A big kiss right here on the lips!”
(When the audience member gives him a big kiss on the lips the MAN gives them a dollar.)
(As they return to their seat, the MAN shouts:) “WHO WANTS A DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A
DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR?” (Until someone in the audience raises their hand. He points
to them and asks:) “YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR?” (When they confirm they
do, he shouts:) “GET UP HERE ON STAGE! GET RIGHT UP HERE ON STAGE!” (Until they get up
on stage. He again repeats: ) “YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A
DOLLAR?” (When they say “yes” he says:) “Rip off your clothes! Rip all your clothes off! Stark
naked right here on stage! Rip off all your clothes!” (When the audience member rips off all their
clothes the MAN gives them a dollar.)
MAN. (Turns to the audience and declares:) America: land of the free, home of the brave.
 (If at any point during the proceedings someone clearly says “no” [as often happens], the MAN
says this same line and ends the play.)
Curtain

Note:
In performance, the stakes seem to be raised more appropriately if the kiss is from a man.
 T HE N ICE KNIFE OF N IGHT
Cast of Characters
MAN
WOMAN

(A MAN and a WOMAN stare at each other intensely on stage. They deliver their lines quickly
and bitterly to a simple tune.)
WOMAN. I’m looking at you
You’re looking at me.
We’re wondering how
This came to be.
MAN. It’s the heart of the night
It’s a knife in the heart
We’re lying in bed
But we’re so far apart
(They grab each other and violently waltz.)
BOTH. We’re wasting our nights, nights, hopelessly
Screwing our lives, lives, endlessly
Twisting the knife, knife, recklessly on.
(They break apart and circle each other like prey.)
MAN. We wish we made love
Or even had fun
We can’t do that now
At the point of a gun.
WOMAN. The words come out wrong
We just can’t be clear
I guess we’ll save that
’Til maybe next year.
(Violent waltzing again.)
BOTH. We’re falling apart, part, hopelessly
Wasting our hearts, hearts, stupidly
Just isn’t smart, smart to make this go on.
(Breaking apart, shoving each other and getting in each other’s faces.)
BOTH. We search in the night.
We search in the sun.
WOMAN. This just isn’t right.
MAN. We’re killing someone.
WOMAN. It isn’t just me.
It isn’t just you.
MAN. There’s something between us
That’s cutting us through.
(Grabbing again for the violent waltz, ending in a dip.)
BOTH. We’re pacing the ground, ground, aimlessly
Searching around, ’round hopelessly
Making no sound, sound thinking it through,
thinking it’s through,
thinking we’re through!
Curtain
 H OW TO W AR
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO

(ONE and TWO stand on either side of a large flip pad. They are excessively cheery. The flip pad
has large sheets of paper on it with titles and simple drawings to serve as visual aids. The first
one contains the words “How to War.” After each step, either ONE or TWO flips the sheet over to
reveal the next step. Cheery ’50s instructional music plays throughout the following.)
ONE. Why hello there! I know some of you have heard about war…in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, etc.
etc. etc… And I bet you’re wondering “How do I war?” Well sir, all you need to know are these 12
easy steps and you’ll be warring in no time, and hopefully for years to come.
(Flip sheet to show page with “#1 Be Yourself” and a smiling face.)
TWO. Step 1: BE YOURSELF. People always assume that in order to really war, you have to work at
it. You’ll be relieved to know that no, it just comes naturally. No need to try. Just be yourself!
(Flip sheet to show page with “#2 Meet People” and two faces looking at each other.)
ONE. Step 2: MEET PEOPLE. Get out there and socialize. Strike up a conversation with someone you
don’t know in a place you’ve never been. Share your views! Try to meet someone “exotic.”
(Flip sheet to show “#3 Find the Differences” and the same two faces with an equals sign crossed
out between them.)
TWO. Step 3: FIND THE DIFFERENCES. When you were talking to that person did they say
something kooky? You wouldn’t say something kooky like that. What do you think made them say
something so kooky?
(Flip sheet to show “#4 Extrapolate!” and repeated drawings of the second person.)
ONE. Step 4: EXTRAPOLATE! Make that one kooky person into a group of kooky people. After all,
he must have learned his kooky ways somewhere. I bet there’s a whole fleet of kooky people out there
just like him.
(Flip sheet to show “#5 Name Your Terms” and the face with a number of arrows with descriptors
around it.)
TWO. Step 5: NAME YOUR TERMS. How would you describe that kooky person? Do they look
different than you? Do they talk funny? Do they come from a different place or believe different
things? Label those differences with one easy term. Congratulations! You have now successfully
identified a whole group of people based on one interaction with one kooky person!
(Flip sheet to “#6 Get Scared” and the original happy face looking worried.)
ONE. Step 6: GET SCARED. What if those people wanted something from you? What if they moved
in next door? What if they forced you to look and talk and think the way they do? You know what?
They do. This isn’t a scary idea, it’s a scary reality. How can you sleep at night knowing that?!?
(Flip sheet to “#7 Get Angry” and the face looking angry.)
TWO. 7: GET ANGRY. How DARE these people make you change! What makes them think they’re
so much better than you are? You’d rather die than become one of them wouldn’t you? WOULDN’T
YOU!???
(Flip sheet to “#8 Find Some Friends” and multiples of the angry face.)
ONE. 8: FIND SOME FRIENDS. If you feel this way, you can bet your bippy there are other people
out there who are even angrier. Find them, make friends, and have big meetings where you talk about
how angry you are about these people. And by the way, stop thinking of them as people. Think of
them as…child molesters.
(Flip sheet to “#9 Get A Couple Friends Killed” with one of the angry faces horizontal with X’s
for eyes.)
TWO. 9: GET A COUPLE FRIENDS KILLED. Nothing gets peoples’ attention and inspired like
seeing their friends killed. People die all the time. Find one and blame it on the child molesters.
Notice how quickly really important people suddenly wake up and agree that these aren’t people, they
are child molesters and need to be wiped off the face of the earth!
(Flip sheet to “#10 Say “Thank You” and two smiling faces with money in between them.)
ONE. 10: SAY “THANK YOU.” Nothing encourages important people to act on your behalf like a
large check with a hearty “thank you.” If the important people see some large checks, they will start
convincing other important people that exterminating these child molesters is the right thing to do.
(Flip sheet to “#11 Get Some More People Killed” and many horizontal faces with X’s for eyes.)
TWO. Step 11: GET SOME MORE PEOPLE KILLED. With the support of these important people,
kill some child molesters. Once you’ve successfully killed off a couple of them, they are inevitably
going to kill some of you. Let it happen. Embrace it. Revel in it. Don’t look now, but you’ve started a
war!
(Flip sheet to “#12 Keep A-Goin’!” and a collage of actual photographs of bloody war scenes.)
ONE. Step 12: KEEP A-GOIN’! You’ve done the hard part. Keeping a war going is easy. If you’re
really lucky you’ll get to destroy stuff, rebuild the stuff you destroyed, and destroy it again! Always
remember those basic kooky differences you started with, extrapolate and expand! You’ll be warring
for a good long time! Goodbye!
TWO. Bye bye!
ONE. Goodbye!
TWO. Goodbye!
ONE. Bye bye!
(They continue to wave and say goodbye like the end of “The Wizard of Oz,” as battle noises rise
on the sound system, and the lights fade to black.)
Curtain
 UNSPOKEN LAWS OF
H UMAN N ATURE EXPOSED
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
SAM

(SAM stands downstage with a pointer that he uses to illustrate his statements. JEFF and JOAN
stand upstage facing forward stoically.)
SAM. On this planet there is no species with such poorly defined laws of behavior as the human. Yet
there are certain unspoken laws which do hold true, especially amongst the domestic twentieth century
North American breed. Here we have a male and a female. Can you tell which is which?
(Audience responds.)
How can you tell?
(Audience responds presumably with statements about clothes, breasts, or beards.)
But clothing/breasts/beards can be misleading. The usual laws of gender distinction are quite
unreliable. (Using his pointer:) Size is… highly variable, plumage…almost interchangeable, and the
mating call:
JEFF & JOAN. Hey, wanna fuck?
SAM. —baffling. Thus we are left only with the sexual organs themselves. But even this one sure-fire
method of gender distinction is hampered through willing sexual concealment and sometimes even
falsification of bulges.
The human sexual organs are located (Circling them with his pointer:) between the rear limbs. The
clothed appearance is differentiated only by this bulge— (He whips the pointer towards JEFF’s crotch
without looking—hopefully stopping about an inch away:) —here on the male, occasionally quite
small.
In everyday social interaction, these areas (Circling them:) are considered “foul territory.” And, in a
distinctly human trait, the breasts (Circling:) of the female are also considered “off limits.” But please
note— (SAM rubs JEFF’s breast) not on the male. These zones of forbidden fingers (Indicating with
his fingers:) figure heavily in everyday social interactions.
“But Sam, how does this affect day to day behavior?” you might well ask.
(Audience responds. He cues them to repeat him if they do not.)
SAM. Thank you. In the human, intimacy is defined through proximity. That is to say the relationship
between a male and a female is often defined through distance. In position number one: (JEFF and
JOAN turn to face each other about eight feet away.) they are strangers. In position two: (JEFF and
JOAN take steps towards each other—about five feet away) friends. Position three: (Another step to be
about a foot from each other) lovers. And position four: (JEFF and JOAN take another step so that
their faces are smashed together uncomfortably) homicidal maniacs. (SAM moves to quickly separate
them from this position.) Position number four is aberrant behavior and must be quelled at all costs.
Without these final vestiges of human behavior, where would the soon unrecognizable species be but
cast adrift in an unforgiving world, subject to their own passionate whims.
(JEFF and JOAN casually walk towards each other.)
JEFF. Excuse me? (He grabs her breast.) How do I get to the train station from here?
JOAN. (Cupping JEFF’s balls and pointing over her shoulder with the other hand:) Just take a right
down at the McDonalds.
JEFF. Oh thanks.
(They lick each other’s tongue and walk off in opposite directions.)
SAM. Let’s do our best to uphold them, shall we?
Curtain
 A N OPEN AND SHUT CASE
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
SAM
HAROLD
MARIA

(The “Go” is called and a spotlight rises center stage. JEFF walks into it and places a briefcase
on the floor and opens it towards the audience. He stands up and says the following with a
corresponding angular hand and head gesture, slowly indicating the trajectory of the supposed
ball.)
JEFF. He kicked the ball, and it went up on a 45 degree angle…and came right back to where he’d
kicked it from. He kicked the ball, and it went up on a 45 degree angle…and came right back to where
he’d kicked it from.
(JEFF continues to say the line and make the gesture as SAM and JOAN come out from opposite
sides of the stage to stand on either side of him in the spotlight. They join JEFF in simultaneously
making the gesture.)
JEFF. He kicked the ball, and it went up on a 45 degree angle…and came right back to where he’d
kicked it from.
(They continue the gesture together until JEFF suddenly stops and turns to JOAN.)
JEFF. Barbie, (She drops his gesture) bring me my little brown hat.
(JEFF and JOAN look at each other a moment while SAM continues to make the gesture.)
SAM. He kicked the ball, and it went up on a 45 degree angle…and came right back to where he’s
kicked it from.
(JOAN resumes the gesture with SAM. MARIA comes out from stage left and slowly places a
football on the floor as if to be kicked. JEFF walks toward the football but MARIA slowly removes
it and makes it float up into the air before JEFF gets there. He simply walks past it with no
response. He stops and says:)
JEFF. Barbie, bring me my little brown hat.
(HAROLD comes out from stage left and takes JEFF’s place between JOAN and SAM and joins
them in the gesture as they speak and move in a round.)
HAROLD. He kicked the ball and it went up on a 45 degree angle…
(JOAN begins.)
…and came right back to where he’d kicked it from.
JOAN. He kicked the ball and it went up on a 45 degree angle…
(SAM begins.)
…and came right back to where he’d kicked it from.
SAM. He kicked the ball and it went up on a 45 degree angle…and came right back to where he’d
kicked it from.
(JEFF turns towards the audience and says:)
JEFF. Russell kept a shotgun in the front window of his Cadillac.
(The three in the spotlight continue to make the gesture while MARIA places the football on the
other side of the stage for JEFF to kick. JEFF walks towards it and MARIA again slowly removes
it before he gets there. He walks right through it.)
JEFF. (Slowly spelling:) C-A-D-I-L-L-A-C.
(MARIA moves to replace HAROLD who exits stage left continuing with the gestures. JOAN and
SAM also peel off and exit continuing to make the gestures. MARIA sets up the ball behind the lid
of the briefcase. JEFF circles around to the ball which MARIA removes just before he gets there.
MARIA exits stage right with the football. JEFF stops and, without the gesture, says:)
JEFF. He kicked the ball and it went up on a 45 degree angle…and it came right back to where he’d
kicked it from.
(JEFF bends over, closes the briefcase, and picks it up. He takes three steps out of the spotlight
and then stops and says over his shoulder towards the spotlight:)
JEFF. Barbie, bring me my little brown hat.
(JEFF exits off and the spotlight fades to black.)
Curtain
 W RITING A S IT IS BEING W RITTEN
Cast of Characters
1
2
3
4
5
6

(This is a rapid-fire choral recitation performed by six voices a la Gertrude Stein. Each performer
lights themself with a flashlight only when they are speaking. Voice 4 should be a man.)
1. I am writing.
1. I am writing
1 & 2. a play.
1. I am writing
1 & 2. a play
1 & 2 & 3. right now.
1. I am writing
1 & 2. a play
1 & 2 & 3. right now
1 & 2 & 3 & 4. and you are watching it.
1. I am writing
1 & 2. a play
1 & 2 & 3. right now
1 & 2 & 3 & 4. and you are watching it
1 & 2 & 3 & 4 & 5. some time in the future.
1. I am writing
1 & 2. a play
1 & 2 & 3. right now
1 & 2 & 3 & 4. and you are watching it
1 & 2 & 3 & 4 & 5. some time in the future
1 & 2 & 3 & 4 & 5 & 6. at which time you will be completely unaware of the fact…
ALL. I am writing a play right now and you are watching it some time in the future at which time you
will be completely unaware of the fact
1. that I am writing.
1. I am writing a play.
1. I am writing a play
1 & 2. in my car.
1. I am writing a play
1 & 2. in my car
1 & 2 & 3. on the way to rehearsal.
1. I am writing a play
1 & 2. in my car
1 & 2 & 3. on the way to rehearsal
1 & 2 & 3 & 4. trying not to have an accident.
5. I could.
5. I could
6. be.
5 & 6. I could be
1. writing a play.
5 & 6 & 1. I could be writing a play
2. on the beach.
5 & 6 & 1 & 2. I could be writing a play on the beach
3. or in the bath.
5 & 6 & 1 & 2 & 3. I could be writing a play on the beach or in the bath
4. or while getting a blowjob.
ALL. I could be writing a play on the beach or in the bath or while getting a blowjob
5. but I’m not.
1. I am writing a play in my car on the way to rehearsal trying not to have an accident and you are
listening to it some time in the future at which time you will be completely unaware of the fact that I
am writing a play.
ALL. I am writing a play in my car on the way to rehearsal trying not to have an accident and you are
listening to it some time in the future at which time you would have been completely unaware of the
fact that I am writing a play
1. if I hadn’t told you.
1. I am finishing.
1. I am finishing
2. a play.
1. I am finishing
2. a play
3. sometime in the future.
1. I am finishing
2. a play
3. sometime in the future
4. after I got out of the car
5. and went to rehearsal
6. and didn’t have an accident.
1. I am not going to tell you in what condition I finished this play.
ALL. It’s not as pertinent as the fact that—
1. I have written.
1. I have written a play.
Curtain

Note:
In performance we found the split-second timing to be best accomplished if the flashlights were kept
on and covered and uncovered on cue with our other hand.
 PRESTIDIGITATION
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER

(A PERFORMER addresses the audience, demonstrating everything with his hands.)

PERFORMER. Consider (Gesture) the hand.
How simple (Simple gesture) and yet complex (Complex gesture).
How individual (One hand) and yet similar (Both hands).
How capable of great pleasure (Gentle gesture) and great pain (Fist).
Five digits and a sweaty palm that combine to create man’s most beautiful appendage.
We oft speak from the head and the heart, but what of the hand?
Consider the simplicity of its language: (“Shh” gesture, pointing, waving, okay gesture, peace sign,
flipping the bird, blow job, “so so” gesture.) And when we are vocally impaired (In sign language:)
“the hand has a language all its own.” Could we describe a spiral staircase without it? (Spiral gesture.)
Look at our linguistic odes to the hand: When someone is particularly adept, they are called “handy.”
When they are attractive, they are “handsome.” When they are a composer, they are Handel.
We greet by shaking hands.
We may heal with the laying on of hands.
When we get married in Western culture, we do not wear a collar or a little hat, we place a ring on the
hand.
Famous hand professions: the typist (Typing), the pianist (Pianoing), the masseur (Massaging), the
Messiah (Crucifix), the pugilist (Dukes up), the puppeteer (Talking hands).
Consider the hand’s ability to represent: (Gun hand, bunny hand, phone, spider, jelly fish).
Think of the allure and fascination of the impaired hand: the residual lump of someone born with six
fingers, the abbreviated hand with three and a half fingers due to a paper cutter incident, the paralyzed
hand.
When we are limited, we have a handicap. When someone has done wrong, they are handcuffed. In
some cultures a thief is punished by the removal of the hand altogether.
It seems as though, when the hand is broken down into its component parts, it takes on a negative or
questionable persona: the hairy knuckles, the finger printed criminal, palmistry, the child fingerer.
Consider the hand. The most underrated of all human attributes.
It’s time to give it a fair shake.
Let’s give it a hand.
(Leads applause.)
Curtain
 H ENRY VI, A CT IV, SCENE II, LINE 86
Cast of Characters
JOAN
JEFF

(Throughout this play the lights cross-fade back and forth on stage between JEFF and JOAN who
stand stage left and right respectively addressing the audience. They try to make convincing
arguments.)
JOAN. Ladies and gentlemen, what we are to decide this evening is what kind of punishment befits
such a crime. A crime that was premeditated, cruel, and violent. A crime that caused tremendous grief
in the lives of its victims. I believe the punishment for such a crime should be the harshest one
imaginable.
JEFF. Ladies and gentlemen, the man who stands unjustly accused before you this evening is an
average man. He puts his pants on one leg at a time—just like you do. He loves his family, holds
down a job, and goes to the park on weekends—just like you do. The reason that he is here this
evening is just that he made one mistake, one night, and got caught doing it. Which of us has honestly
never made a mistake—show of hands?
JOAN. This man is far from the saint my colleague would have you believe. He is a violent, plotting,
vengeful, despicable human being. If this man were to knock on your door, you would not let him in.
If he were to ask you for a job, you would not employ him. If he were to walk towards you on the
sidewalk, you would cross the street and walk the other way—even though it was the opposite
direction from where you wanted to go!
JEFF. Everybody close their eyes for a second. Go ahead, close them. Now, picture yourself in this
situation: You haven’t eaten today. It has been one of the most strenuous days of your life. You go out
to get into your car and someone has stolen the engine right out from under the hood. You go to hail
a cab and you realize you’ve locked your wallet in your office, along with your keys! You are
supposed to pick up your son from school in twenty minutes and that is forty miles away. You are
penniless, friendless, without transportation and late. A man walking towards you vomits all over
your suit and then passes out at your feet. What do you do? (Audience response.) Exactly! Now I’m
not saying this scenario has anything to do with the defendant’s situation, but think about what your
response would have been!
JOAN. We have all seen footage of a lion tearing apart a wildebeest limb from limb on some nature
video. And I ask you, do we blame the lion? Do we? (Audience response.) No. It’s instinct. But we are
not talking about a lion here. We are talking about a human being who possesses the mental faculties
to overcome such an impulse, just as we all do every day or suffer the consequences. If I had my wish
for a just punishment, I would have this man nailed to the stage and disemboweled by rabid beavers.
But some might think that too good an end for someone who, on the evolutionary scale, is a few steps
below a cat-fellating child-fingerer.
JEFF. Now let’s face it, we all would respond just the way the defendant did. If a car gets in our way,
we honk the horn. If a spider crawls across the table, we squish it with our finger. If a stranger asks us
for money we take out a sharp object and plunge it up their nose. This is what comes naturally. The
Bible tells us “If thine eye offend thee, pluck it out.” And isn’t this basically just what this man did
only to somebody else? Those old pronouns are confusing. We live in a cruel world ladies and
gentlemen, where Disney is just another name for Satan.
JOAN. In summary, I believe that the most painful punishment is the most just one. And although
being burned at the stake may seem arcane to some, I feel that the extra symbolic act of
simultaneously being lanced by fifty javelins brings it into line with our contemporary norms. Let this
man be buried in a box the size of my thumb, but let the javelins remain as a testament that we did the
right thing. All in favor—get out your lighters and let’s burn this place down!
(JOAN takes out a lighter, holds it aloft, and lights it as the stage lights fade to black.)
Curtain
 …IT’S H OW YOU DO IT
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE

(Lights rise showing ONE, standing stage left, across from a cup of water on a podium stage right.
Quirky music plays. He looks at the cup of water, simply walks across the stage, and drinks the
cup of water.)
(Blackout.)
(Lights rise on TWO standing stage left, across from a cup of water on a podium stage right. She
looks at the cup of water, and suddenly runs off stage left. She runs all the way around the theater
to enter stage right and drinks the cup of water.)
(Blackout.)
(Lights rise on THREE standing stage left, across from a cup of water on a podium stage right. He
looks at the cup of water, finds some excruciating way of moving from stage left to stage right and,
without using his hands, drinks the water.)
(Blackout.)
(Lights rise to show FOUR sitting in a chair stage left, across from a cup of water on a podium
stage right. She looks at the cup of water, calmly takes a whistle out of her pocket, and blows it
twice quickly. FIVE runs on from off stage to stand beside her. She blows the whistle once again.
FIVE quickly crosses the stage to the cup of water. FOUR blows the whistle twice more and FIVE
picks up the cup. Another blow on the whistle and he crosses back beside her. FOUR blows three
more times on the whistle and FIVE drinks the cup of water. One final long blow and FIVE bends
over and delivers the water from his mouth into FOUR’s mouth. FOUR smiles.)
Curtain
 MACBETH
Cast of Characters
ANNOUNCER
MACBETH
LADY MACBETH
BIRNAM WOOD

(The famous roles are played very casually, without costume or much acting by ensemble
members.)
ANNOUNCER. (From offstage:) The Tragedy of Macbeth by William Shakespeare. Act One.
(LADY MACBETH holds out a sharp knife for MACBETH.)
LADY MACBETH. Kill the king.
MACBETH. No.
LADY MACBETH. Kill the king!
MACBETH. No.
LADY MACBETH. KILL THE KING!
MACBETH. Okay!
ANNOUNCER. Act Two.
MACBETH. (Holding the knife before him:) Is this a dagger?
LADY MACBETH. Put it back.
MACBETH. Is this a Dagger?
LADY MACBETH. Put it back.
MACBETH. Is This A DAGGER!?
LADY MACBETH. Oh I’ll do it.
(She grabs the knife from him.)
ANNOUNCER. Act Three.
(MACBETH still stares at the spot where the knife was, but now focuses on an audience member.)
MACBETH. I see Banquo.
LADY MACBETH. No you don’t.
MACBETH. (Looking at the audience member and waving a little:) I see Banquo!
LADY MACBETH. No you don’t.
(More enthusiastic pointing and waving.)
MACBETH. I See BANQUO!
LADY MACBETH. Banquo is dead!
(MACBETH continues to check in and wave at the audience member he’s identified as Banquo
during the next act.)
ANNOUNCER. Act Four.
LADY MACBETH. (Looking at her hands:) I see spots.
MACBETH. No you don’t.
LADY MACBETH. I See Spots!
MACBETH. No you don’t.
LADY MACBETH. I See SPOTS!
MACBETH. Your hands are clean!
LADY MACBETH. (Exiting stage right staring at her hands:) I still see spots.
ANNOUNCER. Act Five.
(A performer “hiding” behind a pathetic little branch slowly creeps through the audience toward
the stage—this is BIRNAM WOOD.)
MACBETH. I see trees.
BIRNAM WOOD. No you don’t.
(The tree comes closer.)
MACBETH. I See Trees.
BIRNAM WOOD. No you don’t.
(The tree comes closer.)
MACBETH. (Totally freaked out:) I SEE TREES!
BIRNAM WOOD. (Right next to him:) No you don’t!!!
(BIRNAM WOOD takes out a knife and stabs him repeatedly and says:)
BIRNAM WOOD. Stab, stab, stab.
MACBETH. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Curtain
 MEMORIAL DAY
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
SEVEN

(ONE stands on stage behind a podium making his speech to the audience. His lines are
overlapped by the others beginning at the *.)
ONE. “On this day, Memorial Day, we are supposed to remember those who have fallen * in the field
of battle, those who have given their lives in service to our country, those who have put themselves in
harm’s way to defend the great principles this country was founded on as stated in the Constitution.
Sadly, today we have a different focus. On this Memorial Day, we are reminded how we need each
other to console each other, to hold each other for a different reason. Our children have been shot in
our schools. We ask how could this happen here? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t have the answer
to that question.”
TWO. (Entering to begin speaking at the * :) What we need is to stop talking about it. The more
publicity it gets, the more it encourages some kid to pick up a gun and—
(SEVEN shouts “BANG!” from offstage and TWO falls to the ground.)
THREE. (Entering to begin right after TWO hits the ground:) What we need to do is to keep our
children from seeing images of violence on TV, in movies, and computer games which they then
imitate by—
(SEVEN shouts “BANG!” from offstage and THREE falls to the ground.)
FOUR. (Entering to begin right after THREE hits the ground:) What we need to do is to strictly
discipline our kids to understand that it is not acceptable to solve your problems through violence, by
picking up a gun and—
(SEVEN shouts “BANG!” from offstage and FOUR falls to the ground.)
FIVE. (Entering to begin right after FOUR hits the ground:) What we need to do is put a metal
detector and an armed guard at every door of every school in America so that when someone with a
gun comes to the school to—
(SEVEN shouts “BANG!” from offstage and FIVE falls to the ground.)
SIX. (Entering to begin right after FIVE hits the ground:) What we need to do is improve our ability
to identify and help the mentally ill so that when they go to buy a gun and—
(SEVEN shouts “BANG!” from offstage and SIX falls to the ground. ONE’s speech should have
ended about now. SEVEN enters and addresses the audience.)
SEVEN. What we need to do is get rid of the fucking guns.
Curtain
 T HE A RT OF A CTING
Cast of Characters
PLAYWRIGHT
ACTOR
DIRECTOR
COSTUME DESIGNER
LIGHTING DESIGNER
MAKEUP ARTIST

(The ACTOR stands slightly stage left. The PLAYWRIGHT enters and stands next to the ACTOR
and quietly feeds him the lines which he then repeats for the audience.)
PLAYWRIGHT. The playwright…
ACTOR. The playwright…
PLAYWRIGHT. writes the dialogue…
ACTOR. writes the dialogue…
PLAYWRIGHT. for the actor…
ACTOR. for the actor…
PLAYWRIGHT. so that the actor…
ACTOR. so that the actor…
PLAYWRIGHT. doesn’t have to worry…
ACTOR. doesn’t have to worry…
PLAYWRIGHT. about what to say on stage.
ACTOR. about what to say on stage.
(The PLAYWRIGHT walks off as the DIRECTOR enters and addresses the ACTOR similarly who
then repeats the words for the audience.)
DIRECTOR. The director…
ACTOR. The director…
DIRECTOR. tells the actor…
ACTOR. tells the actor…
DIRECTOR. (Directing the ACTOR to move center stage:) where to move…
ACTOR. where to move…
DIRECTOR. and how to say the lines…
ACTOR. (With different inflection:) and how to say the lines…
DIRECTOR. how to say the lines…
ACTOR. (With corrected inflection:) how to say the lines…
DIRECTOR. so that the actor…
ACTOR. so that the actor…
DIRECTOR. doesn’t have to worry…
ACTOR. doesn’t have to worry…
DIRECTOR. about what to do on stage.
ACTOR. about what to do on stage.
(The DIRECTOR exits as the COSTUME DESIGNER enters with a coat, scarf and hat and puts
them on the ACTOR during the following.)
COSTUME DESIGNER. The costume designer…
ACTOR. The costume designer…
COSTUME DESIGNER. dresses the actor…
ACTOR. dresses the actor…
COSTUME DESIGNER. so that the actor…
ACTOR. so that the actor…
COSTUME DESIGNER. doesn’t have to worry…
ACTOR. doesn’t have to worry…
COSTUME DESIGNER. about what to wear on stage.
ACTOR. about what to wear on stage.
(The COSTUME DESIGNER leaves the ACTOR dressed in costume center stage and exits while
the MAKEUP ARTIST comes on with make-up and goes to the ACTOR. The LIGHTING
DESIGNER speaks on voiceover microphone from the booth.)
MAKEUP ARTIST. The makeup artist
LIGHTING DESIGNER. and lighting designer…
ACTOR. The makeup artist and lighting designer…
MAKEUP ARTIST & LIGHTING DESIGNER. paint and light the actor…
(Lights are blacked out except for a spotlight on the ACTOR.)
ACTOR. paint and light the actor…
MAKEUP ARTIST & LIGHTING DESIGNER. so that the actor…
ACTOR. so that the actor…
MAKEUP ARTIST & LIGHTING DESIGNER. doesn’t have to worry…
ACTOR. doesn’t have to worry…
MAKEUP ARTIST & LIGHTING DESIGNER. about how he looks on stage.
ACTOR. about how he looks on stage.
(The MAKEUP ARTIST exits. Long awkward pause while the ACTOR, in costume and makeup in
a center stage spot, waits for someone else to come out. He glances into the wings. No one does.
Finally the ACTOR addresses the audience on his own.)
ACTOR. The actor… (Pause) …is a genius. (Smiles.)
Curtain
 ODE TO 17
Cast of Characters
JOAN
JEFF
SAM
MARIA

(The stage is blacked out and a spotlight rises on each side of the stage to illuminate each
speaker, alternating stage left and right. It should have that kind of post-horrible accident,
heartfelt man-in-the-street interview feel to it.)
JOAN. I always thought she was nice. I remember her hanging around with everybody else, not really
standing out in any particular way. She was more of a team player. When you called on her she was
always right there though, always reliable, always ready to support the effort. Personally, I felt like I
could always count on her.
JEFF. I’m not going to say I told you so—especially in light of what happened—but I saw this
coming from the day I first set eyes on her. She was always so big on herself, always thought she was
so high and mighty, looking down on everybody else below her. But I didn’t fall for it for a minute. I
could see she wasn’t so secure. She was only 17 but she tried to act like she was 29. And good God
she held that “prime” thing over us like she was totally fucking indivisible. Well I guess she found out
the solution to that one the hard way.
MARIA. There was the one night where she wasn’t picked and I guess we pretty much just forgot
about her. I’ll always regret that. I stay up nights and wonder was that what sent her over the edge?
That kind of neglect can really just tear someone apart. When we came in the next night she was still
there, but…you just knew there was something horribly, horribly wrong. I should have just called her
myself. We never should have left her hanging.
SAM. Of course I was the one who found her, just like she intended. I can tell you, quite frankly, it
was a mess. It was like she’d been…drawn and quartered. I could hardly even identify her. It looked
like she’d tried to rip herself in half but that obviously didn’t work. She couldn’t deal with
remainders. In the end I guess she was all just a front, covering up the real personal drama behind her.
Everyone wants to feel like they count for something, even when they try to remove themselves from
the equation. So ultimately I blame myself. She was there for me the whole time and I never really
reached out for her. In the end I guess she got what she wanted—she got even.
Curtain

Note:
When this play is in the show, there should be no #17 on the clothesline or on the menu. This play,
however, can be any other number.
 SERVICE WITH A SIMILE
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE

(ONE is seated at a small table. TWO is standing by him, looking at him, as if to serve him. The
rest of the ensemble is standing around them on stage. Everyone is very still, almost robotic in
their physicality. Everyone delivers their lines in a flat, rapid-fire way with no affect. No one
looks at each other unless noted in the script.)
TWO. Hello. Can I help you?
ONE. Hello.
TWO. Can I help you?
ONE. Help me?
TWO. Help you.
ONE. Help me what?
TWO. Help you…in…any way.
(Pause.)
ONE. No, I don’t think so.
TWO. You’re sure?
ONE. I don’t think so.
TWO. You’re positive.
ONE. I don’t think so.
TWO. I can’t help you.
ONE. You can’t help me.
TWO. In any way.
ONE. None.
(Pause.)
ONE. I don’t like being helped.
TWO. You don’t.
ONE. I like to be on my own.
TWO. I see.
ONE. By myself.
TWO. Indeed.
ONE. I am completely fine sitting here by myself without anyone’s help at all.
TWO. Yes.
(Pause.)
 (THREE turns his head to address the others on stage.)
THREE. We shouldn’t be in this play.
(They all leave directly in the direction they are facing, leaving ONE and TWO.)
(Pause.)
TWO. I’m just trying to be of service.
ONE. I know.
TWO. To assist another human being.
ONE. I know.
TWO. To make life a bit more tolerable for someone else.
ONE. I see.
TWO. To help a kindred spirit in a time of need and in so doing to help…
(Pause.)
(ONE snaps his head to look at TWO for the first time.)
TWO. (Ashamedly:) …myself.
(TWO looks down.)
(Pause.)
ONE. I see.
(Pause.)
ONE. Get out.
TWO. I’m going.
ONE. Beat it.
TWO. I will.
ONE. Leave.
TWO. I’m already gone.
(TWO leaves the stage directly.)
(Pause.)
(ONE turns his head to address the audience for the first time.)
ONE. Help.
Curtain
 T EN YEARS…AND SIX MONTHS
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
MARIA

(A vase of daisies is pre-set on a podium upstage center.

“Go” is called and “Always Something” by Yo La Tengo plays until the “Curtain.”
1. JEFF and JOAN walk out from stage left and stage right respectively and meet center stage.
They look at each other fondly. JEFF takes a flower out of the vase and offers it to JOAN. She
receives it smiling pleasantly. They kiss. There is a pause of contentment. The flower accidentally
slides out of JOAN’s hands and falls onto the floor. She gives a look of incredible regret and JEFF
responds with a look of “that’s okay.”
2. JEFF takes another flower and gives it to JOAN. She receives it smiling pleasantly. They kiss.
There is a slightly shorter pause of contentment and JOAN, a little more intentionally,
“accidentally” lets the flower drop to the floor. She gives a look of regret again and JEFF
responds with a look of “that’s okay.”
3. JEFF takes another flower and gives it to JOAN. She receives it smiling pleasantly. They kiss.
JOAN drops the flower but hardly notices, still smiling. JEFF is confused.
4. JEFF takes another flower and gives it to JOAN. She receives it smiling pleasantly and tosses it
over her shoulder before JEFF can kiss her.
5. JEFF takes another flower and gives it to JOAN. She receives it smiling pleasantly. JOAN
meticulously rips all of the petals off the flower [as in “he loves me, he loves me not”] but then
summarily tosses the flower over her shoulder without bothering with the result.
6. JEFF takes another flower and gives it to JOAN. She receives it smiling pleasantly. She drops it
onto the floor and grinds the flower into the stage with her shoe.
7. JEFF takes another flower and gives it to JOAN. She receives it smiling pleasantly. She takes
out a lighter and burns off all of the petals. She then hands the burnt flower back to JEFF and
exits stage right.
8. Pause while JEFF stands with the charred flower.)
9. MARIA enters from stage right and stands across from JEFF. They look at each other fondly.
10. JEFF begins to give MARIA his flower but sees that it is burned and quickly withdraws it and
tosses it away, hiding it embarrassedly.
11. JEFF gets a new flower from the vase. He thinks about giving it to MARIA. He prepares
himself and his flower a bit, boosting his confidence. He finally gives the flower to MARIA and
she receives it smiling pleasantly. There is a pause of contentment.
12. MARIA smiles and gives the flower back to JEFF. He accepts it happily. There is another
pause of contentment.
13. JEFF gives the flower back to MARIA who receives it smiling pleasantly. There is a pause of
contentment.
14. MARIA takes a new flower from the vase and adds it to JEFF’s flower and gives it back to
JEFF. He accepts it happily. A pause of happiness.
15. JEFF takes out another flower from the vase and gives MARIA three flowers. She accepts them
smiling pleasantly. JEFF goes to kiss MARIA but she turns her head so that he kisses her cheek.
16. MARIA takes another flower from the vase and gives JEFF four flowers. He accepts them
slightly confused. MARIA then kisses him on the cheek. JEFF smiles contentedly.
17. JEFF takes another flower from the vase and gives MARIA five flowers. She accepts them
smiling happily. JEFF leans forward and kisses MARIA, but on the cheek. JEFF smiles
contentedly.)
(This final pattern continues as the lights slowly fade to black.)
Curtain
 T HE LOWER DEPTHS
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
JOAN

(JEFF enters from stage left while SAM walks on from stage right. Before they pass each other,
JEFF says:)
JEFF. Hi Sam.
SAM. What do you mean by that?
JEFF. I just said “Hi Sam.”
SAM. Yes, but what do you mean?
JEFF. I just mean to say hello…
SAM. Yes…?
JEFF. …to you, Sam.
SAM. Yes, but why?
JEFF. I just want to make some…connection with you.
SAM. Because…?
JEFF. I…I like you.
SAM. What does that mean?
JEFF. I am…reaching out…to express…warmth…to you.
SAM. “Warmth?”
JEFF. I am…looking for a mutually positive reinforcement of our beings.
SAM. Why?
JEFF. I want to feel good. I want to feel alive. I want to feel…?
SAM. But why?
JEFF. I have…low self-esteem.
SAM. What does that mean?
JEFF. I am wishing that I would feel good about myself, and happy and confident about everything I
do every second of every day.
SAM. And therefore…
JEFF. I am approaching you and giving you a positive greeting which I am counting on you to return
in such a way that I will feel completely vindicated in my hope and desire that I am a good person,
who deserves the love of others, and the love of myself, every single second of every day.
SAM. Oh. Well why didn’t you say so?
(SAM exits stage left.)
(JOAN enters from stage left. JEFF turns and confronts her.)
JEFF. I am approaching you and giving you a positive greeting which I am counting on you to return
in such a way that I will feel completely vindicated in my hope and desire that I am a good person,
who deserves the love of others, and the love of myself, every single second of every day!
(Beat.)
JOAN. Hi Jeff.
(JEFF is touched by the hand of God.)
Curtain

Note:
In performance “the hand of God” manifested itself as a spotlight rising while music by the Bulgarian
Women’s Choir simultaneously blasted as the actor tried to swim vertically into the light as it dims.
 T HE STORY OF H OW XXXX
XXXXXX XXXXXX–XX XXX XXXXXXXX
Cast of Characters
SAM
JEFF
JOAN

(SAM sits on a tall stool in a spotlight onstage and addresses the audience.)
SAM. Once upon a time, there was a boy who fell in lo—
JEFF. (Sticking his head into SAM’s spotlight and addressing the audience:) I’d just like to clarify
right now that this play isn’t about me. I wrote the play and I’m the central figure in the play, but that
person isn’t me. …It’s about a friend of mine. Let’s call him “Steve.” …Go ahead Sam.
(JEFF steps out of his spotlight.)
SAM. O-kay. Once upon a time, there was a boy—“Steve”—who fell in love with a—
JEFF. (Interrupting again:) A frog! He fell in love with a frog. And not really “in love” either—he
just kind of liked her—It!—the frog. He—he—he had a fondness for frogs and this particular frog
was pretty—was attractive—was—was—was green! He liked green frogs—in general—all green
frogs. Nothing particular about this green frog. He “noticed” it. That’s all! He just noticed it! One
particular green frog he noticed.
(Pause.)
SAM. Are you done?
JEFF. Sure. Go on Sam.
(JEFF gets out of the spotlight.)
SAM. Once upon a time, there was a boy, “Steve,” who…“noticed”…a “particular green frog.” The
problem with…noticing this particular green frog was that the boy, “Steve,” was—
JEFF. (Jumping back in and suddenly interrupting again:) NOTHING! There was no problem! There
was no problem at all. He—Steve—“noticed” this particular green frog and…that was it! End of story.
He never noticed the frog again. He had no hope of ever noticing the frog again. And he didn’t really
notice it all that much. I mean he just barely noticed it…lying…in the grass…one day…and then
moved on. It’s not like the frog noticed him. I mean it didn’t. It didn’t! So there was no problem.
SAM. No problem at all?
JEFF. None.
SAM. Well my lines go on to say that “Steve” wanted the “frog” to notice him.
JEFF. But he didn’t! I mean how could he? I mean there was no hope of the frog ever noticing him.
And there were all sorts of facts and figures and reasons about…Steve that if that ever happened his
entire life would be—
JOAN. (Putting her head into the spotlight:) Shut up Jeff!
JEFF. What?
JOAN. Shut up Jeff! At this point in the script, it’s written for me to come out here and tell you to shut
up.
JEFF. Why?
JOAN. Because you might say things that you didn’t think you should say out here on stage.
SAM. About “frogs” and “noticing” them—
JOAN. Shut up Sam!
SAM. Is that in the script too?
JOAN. Maybe.
SAM. (Standing up and moving towards the audience:) Look, at this point I’d just like to clarify for
the audience what this whole play is about. You see
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(Pause.)
JOAN. Yes?
SAM. That’s it. That’s all that was written in my script. The rest was scratched out with a black pen.
JOAN. Do you have any more lines?
SAM. Just this one.
JOAN. Good. Jeff, would you like me to explain this whole thing?
JEFF. Please.
JOAN. (Clearly making it up as she goes along:) I actually wrote this play. It’s about my father, and
his drinking problem. And how he recently…um…fell off the wagon. So you can see this is a fairly
sensitive issue to be talking about on stage.
JEFF. Thank you Joan.
(SAM tries to speak but he has no more lines. JEFF and JOAN look at him and smile as he
struggles.)
JEFF. Curtain.

Note:
Technically, instead of the printed X’s above, the title should include five words, one hyphenated,
typed clearly and then scratched out with a black pen. The X’s indicate a long pause, and are not meant
to be spoken as dialogue.
 T HE VERDICT
(for Rodney King)

Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN

(JEFF’s left hand is outstretched, as if offering the small indistinguishable object in it to JOAN.
His right hand is behind his back.)
JOAN. What’s that?
JEFF. What?
JOAN. That, in your hand.
JEFF. Gee, I never noticed it before. You want it?
JOAN. Well isn’t it yours?
JEFF. Yeah, but you can have it.
JOAN. No, I wouldn’t want to take something away from you…
JEFF. No, I’m sure there’s plenty for both of us. Go ahead.
(JOAN thinks about it.)
JOAN. No, I can’t. It doesn’t belong to me.
JEFF. Sure it does.
JOAN. It does?
JEFF. Well no, it doesn’t belong to you, but it’s your right to have it.
JOAN. It is?
JEFF. Especially you. Go ahead.
(JOAN thinks about it again.)
JOAN. What’s in your other hand?
JEFF. Oh.
(JEFF removes his right hand from behind his back to show that it’s holding a hammer.)
JEFF. A hammer.
JOAN. What’s it for?
JEFF. Don’t worry about it. (Referring to the object:) Go ahead, take it. It’s yours.
JOAN. You were going to hit me with that hammer.
JEFF. No. There are laws to protect against that kind of thing.
JOAN. So you won’t hit me.
JEFF. Go ahead, it’s yours.
JOAN. And you won’t hit me?
JEFF. Try me.
JOAN. (Pointing to the object:) But that’s rightfully mine.
JEFF. Yes.
JOAN. And I deserve it.
JEFF. Yes.
JOAN. What about the hammer?
JEFF. Oh, that’s mine.
JOAN. Can I have it?
JEFF. No. I said it was mine.
JOAN. What if I take it away from you and beat the fuck out of you with it?
JEFF. That would be wrong.
JOAN. (Pointing to the object:) But that’s mine.
JEFF. Yes.
JOAN. What’s the hammer for?
JEFF. To protect you.
Curtain
 T HE VOICES OF W ALTER SCHUMAN
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO

(The song “Holiday for Strings” by The Voices of Walter Schuman begins and plays under the
following. ONE and TWO alternately step up to a microphone on a stand and say their lines to
the audience, very dryly. The microphone stand is a little short so they have to stoop a bit.)
ONE. The next piece we’d like to perform for you is so opaque that there’s really no point in trying
to understand it. But knowing you, you’ll probably try anyway. Thank you for coming.
TWO. For our next number we’d like you to feel necessary to the process, but not so necessary that
you really have to be here. Thank you for coming.
ONE. For our next exercise in “knee-slapping hilarity” we need everyone to stand up…turn around…
all the way around…and then sit back down. There, now doesn’t that feel better? Thank you for
coming.
TWO. I have three cats. …Three of them. Thank you for coming.
ONE. By way of introduction, I’d like to play the violin. I don’t play the violin, but I’d like to. Thank
you for coming.
TWO. As we enter the next portion of our program we’d like to take you back to a time whe— Who
wants ice cream!? Who wants ice cream!? Show of hands! Thank you for coming.
ONE. We’re very happy that you’re here. I mean not you specifically but more the idea of you. You in
general. Because without you it would be kind of a drag to do this, and we’d make less money. Thank
you for coming.
TWO. For our next number we’d like to use letters. Specifically “f,” “c,” “k,” “o,” and “f.” But two of
those “f”s. And a “u.” Do I make myself clear? Thank you for coming.
ONE. A simpleton’s mind hits many notes of din. …That was a palindrome. …No it wasn’t. Thank
you for coming.
TWO. For our last piece we’d like to tell you what this play is about.
ONE. It’s about two minutes.
TWO. Thank you for coming.
Curtain
 SUDDEN DEATH AND RESURRECTION
(During each night of performance every performer carries a retractable knife and a blood-pack
with them. At any moment during any play anyone can come out on stage and stab another
performer “to death.” The victim dies a grizzly, bloody, horrible death, pauses, and then rises
from the dead to continue whatever play they had been performing right where it was interrupted.
This play is never pulled down off the line by the audience calling out its number. Nor is it given a
“Go” or “Curtain.” Instead the “killer,” after the first death, jumps up and pulls down the
number as he exits the stage after the first “murder.” Once the play has been pulled down the
following deaths just occur randomly throughout the evening with no relation to a number being
pulled. Hopefully everyone will be “killed” during the course the show but not necessarily.)
 FLIGHTS OF FANCY
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR

(A spotlight comes up on ONE upstage right. He has a butter knife and is about to dip it into a
peanut butter jar and spread it on bread, but he stops and looks at the butter knife. He indicates
that he’s got an idea.
Harry Nilsson’s “Jump Into the Fire” begins to play as the lights shift to the other side of the
stage where TWO is also holding a butter knife.
He throws it a couple times at the stage floor, trying to get it to stick.
He fails.
He indicates someone should bring him a different knife and THREE comes out and gives TWO a
big, sharp throwing knife.
He throws it down onto the stage and gets it to stick.
He then throws the knife at the upstage wall but the knife bounces off. (If it happens to stick that’s
okay too.)
He indicates that he needs a target and FOUR comes out and stands against the chalkboard.)
TWO starts to throw his knife at FOUR but indicates he needs someone else.
FOUR leaves and gets an audience member and puts them up against the wall.
TWO prepares to throw the knife at the audience member but stops short and indicates that the
audience member should be blindfolded.
THREE comes out and blindfolds the audience member.
TWO again prepares to throw the knife but stops short when he realizes he wants something
bigger than a knife to throw.
THREE comes out and exchanges the knife for a hatchet.
TWO prepares to throw the hatchet but stops short and realizes it would be more of a challenge if
he were blindfolded too.
THREE comes out and blindfolds TWO as well.
TWO again prepares to throw the hatchet but stops short and indicates that he should be spun
around as well to disorient him before throwing the hatchet at the audience member.
THREE comes out and spins TWO randomly so that he is now facing out into the audience.
Finally TWO prepares to throw the hatchet into the audience. He prepares to throw it once, twice,
and—
The music suddenly shuts off and the light switches back to ONE in his original position. He
dismisses his idea with a “Nah” and goes back to spreading peanut butter on his bread.)
Curtain
 T HE LAMB MAY LIE DOWN W ITH THE LION
BUT SHE DOESN’T GET A LOT OF SLEEP
Cast of Characters
ONE
MAN
WOMAN
ENSEMBLE

(A MAN and a WOMAN stand up vertically against the back wall as if they are sleeping
horizontally. They do not move throughout the piece. ONE speaks the primary lines while the rest
of the ensemble echoes the parenthetical lines after him like a chorus. All are in the dark except
there are two flashlights focused on the two “sleepers.”)
ONE. She is your friend,
(is your friend)
A new found friend
(new found friend)
She’s not your lover.
(not your lover)
A friend of your lover,
(friend of your lover)
But not your lover.
(not your lover)
Your friend has a lover,
(friend has a lover)
Who loves your friend,
(who loves your friend)
She loves her lover.
(loves her lover)
You love your lover.
(love your lover)
Your lover loves you.
(lover loves you)
The lovers are lovers.
You needed a place
(needed a place)
A place to live
(place to live)
You’re spending the night
(for a month or two)
Just sharing a room
(for a month or two)
Just sharing a bed
 (for a month or two)
In the spirit of friendship.
You climb in bed
(climb in bed)
It’s cozy and warm
(cozy and warm)
You feel her breath
(feel her breath)
It’s hard to sleep
(hard to sleep)
You toss and turn
(toss and turn)
A touch of skin
(touch of skin)
You both are nude
(both are nude)
Did I forget to mention?
(forgot to mention)
You both are nude
(both are nude)
From head to toe
(head to toe)
The way it is
(way it is)
In this time and place.
How long will it last?
(long will it last)
Will it be weeks?
(it won’t be weeks)
Or will it be days?
(it won’t be days)
Or will it be hours?
(it might be hours)
Before you are fucking
(’fore you are fucking)
Rolling and fucking
(rolling and fucking)
Fucking and rolling
(fucking and rolling)
Licking and thrusting
(licking and thrusting)
Forgetting your lover
(forgetting your lover)
Forgetting her lover
 (forgetting her lover)
Forgetting your friend
(forgetting your friend)
Forgetting yourself.
(forgetting yourself)
Fucking your lover
(fucking your lover)
Fucking her lover
(fucking her lover)
And fucking yourself.
It’s time to sleep
(it’s time to sleep)
Go back to sleep
(it’s time to sleep)
Next to your friend
(it’s time to sleep)
Your new found friend
(it’s time to sleep)
Just close your eyes
(close your eyes)
And try to forget
(try to forget)
The week
(the week)
The day
(the day)
The hour
(the hour)
The minute
(the minute)
You’re through.
(All together on the last line.)
Curtain
 REVOLUTION
Cast of Characters
NARRATOR
JEFF
JOAN

(An offstage NARRATOR calls the number of each act. There are five sections to this play
performed in reverse chronological order—5, 4 and 5, 3 and 4, 2 and 3, and 1 and 2—which make
up the five acts. When the NARRATOR calls the number of the next act, the actors drop
everything and simply move to their starting positions for the next act.)
NARRATOR. One.
JOAN. Get out!
JEFF. What are you talking about?
JOAN. Get out!
JEFF. But I love you.
JOAN. Well I don’t love you. It’s over.
NARRATOR. Two.
JEFF. Don’t go.
JOAN. This can’t go on.
JEFF. Yes it can.
JOAN. No, I won’t let it.
JEFF. We can work things out.
JOAN. Why don’t you just leave?
JEFF. I love you.
JOAN. Get out!
JEFF. But I love you.
JOAN. Well I don’t love you. It’s over.
NARRATOR. Three.
JEFF. Wait, I don’t know what’s going on.
JOAN. I’m leaving. That’s what’s going on.
JEFF. But…oh God, I’m losing my mind.
JOAN. You’re losing a lot more than that.
JEFF. I don’t want to.
JOAN. That’s what you say now, but what about in five minutes from now?
JEFF. Don’t go.
JOAN. This can’t go on.
JEFF. Yes it can.
JOAN. No, I won’t let it.
JEFF. We can work things out.
JOAN. Why don’t you just leave?
JEFF. I love you.
NARRATOR. Four.
JOAN. How could you…you just don’t care anymore. You haven’t put a single ounce of effort into
making this work… Well, all right, I’m leaving.
JEFF. Wait, I don’t know what’s going on.
JOAN. I’m leaving. That’s what’s going on.
JEFF. But…oh God, I’m losing my mind.
JOAN. You’re losing a lot more than that.
JEFF. I don’t want to.
JOAN. That’s what you say now, but what about in five minutes from now?
NARRATOR. Five.
JEFF. Get out!
JOAN. What are you talking about?
JEFF. Get out!
JOAN. But I love you.
JEFF. Well I don’t love you. It’s over.
JOAN. How could you…you just don’t care anymore. You haven’t put a single ounce of effort into
making this work… Well, all right, I’m leaving.
Curtain

Note:
In performance I found it easiest to block the sections chronologically and then reverse it. The
blocking for the first and fifth sections of the play should be the same blocking for the two actors but
reversed, as is their dialogue.
 T ABLEAU FOR T HREE
(RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR)
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER

(The play is performed by one PERFORMER who manipulates three chairs and calls out the acts
himself. The acts are called after each tableau is set and the only text in the play. He steps back
upstage of the chairs to present each tableau each act even though the play needs to move pretty
swiftly. Ideally he uses three matching chairs—two normal-sized chairs and one child’s chair
which can fit beneath the adult chairs—to illustrate the tableaus.)
(One chair on stage right.)
Act One.
(A second chair on stage left.)
Act Two.
(The two chairs turn to “look” at each other.)
Act Three.
(The two chairs sit beside each other.)
Act Four.
(One chair is flipped over and placed on top of the other chair.)
Act Five.
(The top chair is placed beside the bottom chair and the “baby” chair is slid beneath the bottom
“mother” chair.)
Act Six.
(The “mother” chair is tipped backwards and the “baby” chair is slid forward while the “father”
chair stands by.)
Act Seven.
(The three chairs are placed in a row with the “baby” chair between the other two.)
Act Eight.
(From this position, the “father” chair is tipped over away from the other two and placed on its
side.)
Act Nine.
(The “father” chair is removed. The baby chair is faced towards where the “father” chair was and
the “mother” chair stands by.)
Act Ten.
(The “mother” chair is tipped over away from the “baby” chair and placed on its side.)
Act Eleven.
(The “mother” chair is removed. The baby chair faces where it was.)
Act Twelve.
 (The “baby” chair is centered and faces forward.)
Act Thirteen.
(The “baby” chair is replaced in the same spot with one of the larger chairs.)
Act Fourteen.
Curtain
 STILL IMAGE ON A W ALL
Cast of Characters
VOICEOVER

(The lights black out, the “Go” is called, and an empty square of light is projected on the back
wall with a slide projector.)
VOICEOVER. A still image is projected on a wall in a show you’re seeing and you think “Okay, got
it, what’s next?”
And then you realize there isn’t anything next. It’s just staying there.
So you look at it again and it’s an image of a woman and a boy. Nothing special. “She’s probably his
mother” you think to yourself. “Nice but…so what?”
You wait for the image to change.
It doesn’t.
You look a little more closely at the image and you take a guess at when it was taken. “Probably the
eighties. But look at that hair—probably the seventies. Yeah, it’s got to be the seventies. Look at the
car in the background—the seventies.”
And the image stays.
“So what did someone think was so important that we all just stare at the same image for two
minutes?” You think “What was the title again? “Still Image on a Wall”—that’s a lot of help. Why do
people title things like that?”
You look around to see what other people are looking at. Some of them are looking at their
programs. Others are still looking at the image. Some are looking around.
“And what’s with this voiceover anyway? Like the guy who wrote this thinks he’s some kind of mind
reader who knows what I’m thinking?”
“Or is he actually manipulating me into thinking these things by dictating them through voiceover.
Fuck him. I’m not going to comply with his little mind games.”
You look back at the image.
You notice, kind of blurry in the foreground, there’s a…a something. It’s blurry and it’s hard to make
out. “Is it a toy? A little arm of a toy?”
It’s hard to see how big it is because the blurriness makes it hard to tell if it’s close to the lens or far
away. “It’s…a toy. Or a doll or something. The little hand of a… HOLY GODDAMN FUCK IT
MOVED! IT JUST FUCKING MOVED!! What the FUCK? This is “a still image on a wall.” It’s a slide
projection for God’s sake not a movie, nothing is supposed to move! It just fucking…waved at me.
It…it waved.”
Now you’re riveted. You’re staring at the little arm or the…whatever it is to see if it will move again.
It doesn’t.
You think “Was I asleep? Were my eyes playing tricks on me? Was I just manipulated by the damn
voiceover to see something that wasn’t there?”
You keep staring at the little arm and—
(The slide goes to black.)
the slide goes out—
(The empty slide of light comes up again.)
—and comes back up again.
It’s the same slide.
But the thing is gone.
“It’s gone. The little fucking thing is gone. What the hell?”
You look around at the other people in the audience and they’re all just looking at the image like
nothing happened, like nothing’s wrong! Like everything’s just fine.
And you think to yourself you’re the only one, the only one who saw it. “Everyone else if perfectly
calm.”
And you go on, looking at the image, and at the others, and at the image.
And you’re left by yourself, with your vision and your mind and your thoughts and your eyes and
your heart and your pulse and that voice in your head.
And the image.
And the play…just…ends.
Curtain
 MASTERPIECES OF THE LYRIC FORM
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
SAM

(A snippet of “Crank Dat” by Soulja Boy is played. JEFF sits with JOAN and SAM. All address
the audience.)
JEFF. Good evening, and thank you for joining us. Tonight we are examining the libretto for one of
our more contemporary masterpieces “Crank Dat” by Soulja Boy. Joining us for the analysis is Joan.
JOAN. Hello.
JEFF. And our own musical expert Sam.
SAM. Good evening.
JEFF. As every adolescent over the age of 8 knows, Soulja Boy’s enigmatic chorus for “Crank Dat”
goes:
“Soulja Boy up In da hoe
Watch Me Crank It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy
Den Super Man Dat hoe”
Beyond the obvious Keatsian romanticism laced with allusions to Ovid, what do you make of the
underlying meaning of these brilliant lines of abbreviated trochaic quadrameter, Joan?
JOAN. Well I have to point out Jeff, that there is quite a bit of disparity between the exact transcription
of these lines. Soulja, if I can call him that, has once again rebelled against the reigning zeitgeist and
never officially published the lyrics. Therefore, whether he is literally saying “up in da hoe” or “off
in this hoe” is highly contested. Others can’t even clarify whether he is speaking of a “hoe” at all,
simply substituting the final word with asterisks.
JEFF. Perhaps it’s just a reference to a gardening implement? Sam, what do you make of the
reference to washing primates?
SAM. Are you referring to the line “I got me some bathing apes”?
JEFF. Precisely.
SAM. He’s referring to gym shoes Jeff.
JEFF. Gym shoes?
SAM. Yes. It’s clarified on another track on the album “I Got Me Some Bapes.”
(SAM opens a book and reads:)
“Bathing Apes on my feet
Put the crowd on hold
Hatas see them on my feet
I know they get mad
Lil Arab rocking mo colors than a bag of skittles.”
JEFF. What a clever way to describe footwear. So Joan, why do you think Mr. Boy feels a need to use
the archetypal pop iconography of Super Man as opposed to Spiderman or, for instance, the Lone
Ranger? Is this merely an apochryphal stretch for the epic?
JOAN. I don’t think so Jeff. Remember that later he also refers to Franklin Delano Roosevelt with the
lyrics:
“Watch me crank dat Roosevelt den super soak dat hoe,
supa soak dat hoe,
supa soak dat hoe,
supa soak dat hoe.”
SAM. He actually repeats it ten times Joan.
JOAN. I was paraphrasing.
JEFF. Well who knows which Roosevelt he is even referring to—it could be Teddy or even Eleanor?
(Fake uncomfortable laughter from JEFF and JOAN.)
So Sam, what do you make of this Neitzschian imagery of the Superman, the Ubermensch?
SAM. He’s referring to ejaculating on the back of his lady friend, Jeff.
JEFF. Excuse me?
SAM. He’s talking about cumming all over a woman’s back and then using the semen as an adhesive
for a bedsheet which is worn as a cape, like Superman.
(Long shocked pause.)
JEFF. (Quickly:) Well that’s all the time we have to I’d like to thank my join us next time when we’ll
be thank you and CURTAIN!
 N IGHT VISION
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE

(ONE, TWO, and THREE are spread, right to left, across the stage in the darkness. They each
hold a lit flashlight in their left hand which they cover and uncover with their right hand. Only
when they speak do they move their right hand so that their face is lit. Departures from this
pattern are noted in the script.)
ONE. I
TWO. I
THREE. I
ONE. I
TWO. I
THREE. I
ONE. saw
TWO. I saw
THREE. I saw
ONE. a woman
TWO. a woman
THREE. a woman
ONE. a woman
TWO. a woman
THREE. a woman
ONE. I saw a woman standing
TWO. standing
THREE. standing
ONE. standing alone.
TWO. I saw a woman standing alone.
THREE. a woman standing alone.
(Pause)
ONE. It was night
TWO. night
THREE. night
ONE. It was night
TWO. night
THREE. night
ONE. It was dark
TWO. dark
THREE. dark
ONE. dark
TWO. dark
THREE. dark
ONE. And I
TWO. And I
THREE. And I
ONE. And I
TWO. And I
THREE. And I
ONE. And I loved her.
TWO. lost her.
THREE. loathed her.
(Pause.)
ONE. And I
TWO. I
THREE. I
ONE. I
TWO. I
THREE. I
ONE. I
TWO. I
THREE. I
ONE. I
TWO. I
THREE. I
ONE. never
TWO. never
THREE. never
(All faces stay lit after their word.)
ONE. ever
TWO. ever
THREE. ever
(All faces black out.)
ALL. saw her again.
Curtain
 A N A POLOGY
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER

(The play begins in darkness. A spotlight slowly rises to show a PERFORMER sitting in a chair.
He begins quiet and sincere but becomes increasingly vehement until he is spitting black bile by
the end—figuratively of course.)
PERFORMER. Sorry.
I’m sorry.
I… I’m sorry. I really just don’t know what else to say.
I am sorry. I am really, really so…incredibly sorry. I really cannot express how incredibly…
regretful…and filled with remorse I am.
Sorry is what I feel. I feel sorry.
I feel awful. I feel horrible—terrible. I feel…like I have never felt before. I feel like I do not deserve
to live, to breathe, to exist on this plane of reality. I am worse than the lowliest of the low, the absolute
bottom of the abyss of filth. I am a pig. A worm. A slug. I am a maggot, and an ugly, despicable,
deformed maggot at that. One whom the other maggots revile with such a—No! not even that!
I am a larval form of dysentery! I deserve to wallow in my own feces! To consume the utter dregs of
the bottom of a huge vat of cat vomit!
My legs should be removed at the hip, hacked off with a—NO! Ground off slowly in a
counterclockwise motion by a machine propelled by gerbils! My organs should be STREWN
ABOUT THE ROOM in such a way that only a highly trained medical expert could even guess that
they once belonged to the same body.
My mouth should be opened and peeled back in such a way that my entire head is just a GIANT OPEN
RUNNING SORE! My family should be dissected! My possessions burned! My thoughts eradicated
from the spiritual world! I should die a HORRIBLY PAINFUL TWISTED DEATH—BEFORE I WAS
EVER BORN! NO! I SHOULD LIVE FOREVER, AND SEE EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER HOPED
FOR AND BELIEVED IN DASHED TO THE GROUND AND TRAMPLED UPON BY A HUNDRED
THOUSAND DANCING SINGING FRAT BOYS!!! I SHOULD HAVE NOTHING HAPPEN TO ME—
FOR-EVER! NOTHING AT ALL!
I SHOULD SIT IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE DOING NOTHING WHILE EVERYONE WATCHES
ME FEEL HOW SORRY I AM!!!!
(Long pause while everyone watches him feel how sorry he is.)
(Lights slowly fade to black.)
Curtain
 GIVE AND T AKE
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
HAROLD
SAM

(Four chairs are set up on stage with a table in front of the far stage left chair. Seated left to right
are JEFF, SAM, JOAN, and HAROLD. SAM, JOAN, and HAROLD each have a series of
scorecards in their hands which reveal “0” to “800” as the play goes on. They reveal new cards
when they answer a question correctly, giving themselves more points. JEFF acts as the host of the
game and has a number of question cards in front of him that he slams down on the table after
they are answered. He also has a whistle that he blows loudly to instigate play or cut off a
question when time has run out. The whole play should move incredibly fast as everyone is about
to bust a gut with excitement.)
JEFF. Hello and welcome to “GIVE AND TAKE”! You know the rules, let’s meet the contestants!
We’ve got Sam!
SAM. (Waving to the audience:) Hi!
JEFF. We’ve got Joan!
JOAN. (Waving to the audience:) Hi!
JEFF. And we’ve got Enid.
(HAROLD starts to wave but then looks around confused because that is not his name. JEFF goes
on before HAROLD can correct his error.)
JEFF. Remember to answer the questions which are put you as quickly as possible because…
ALL BUT HAROLD. “TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE”!
(HAROLD tries to follow along with this tagline but doesn’t really know it and lags pathetically.)
JEFF. Let’s go! (Blows his whistle.) Sam, how many fingers am I holding up? (He holds up two
fingers.)
SAM. Two, Jeff!
JEFF. Right! Joan, can you say “doorstop”?
JOAN. Yes!
JEFF. Right! Enid, what is your most painful childhood experience?
(HAROLD is stunned, looks around in a panic, and is unable to say anything as everyone watches
him struggle to come up with something.)
JEFF. (Blows whistle.) Gotta be quick Enid! Sam, how do you spell “Dog”?
SAM. D. O. G., Jeff!
JEFF. Right! Joan, are those your shoes?
JOAN. Yes!
JEFF. Right! Enid, if you had to marry your mother or your sister who would you choose?
 (All turn and look at HAROLD who struggles as he realizes there is no good answer.)
JEFF. (Blowing whistle:) Oh tough luck Enid! Well that’s the end of round one. Let’s see how we’re
doing. We’ve got Sam with (Shows card.) 200, Joan with (Shows card.) 200, and Enid with (Shows zero
card.) nothing. Well this will give Enid a chance to catch up because it’s double or nothing, it’s—
ALL BUT HAROLD. “DOUBLES ROUND!”
HAROLD. (Pathetically trying to join in:) TIME IS Of the essen… (All look at him pathetically.)
JEFF. Let’s go! (Blows whistle:) Sam, what time is it?
SAM. It’s nighttime, Jeff!
JEFF. Right! Joan is John Boehner or Benito Mussolini the Speaker of the House of Representatives?
JOAN. Yes!
JEFF. Close enough! Enid, what is the difference between a horse…
(This is all the card says. JEFF turns the card over to see if there is anything on the back but it is
blank. He slams the card down on the table and everyone turns and looks to HAROLD who is
writhing in his chair in frustration. After a moment JEFF blows the whistle.)
Tough luck Enid! Sam, where is your head?
SAM. (Pointing to his head:) Right here Jeff!
JEFF. Right! Joan, is there a God?
JOAN. Yes!
JEFF. Right! Enid, how do you masturbate?
HAROLD. (Triumphantly:) MAGAZINES AND HANDCREAM!
JEFF. Excuse me?
HAROLD. I get out the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and rub hand cream all over my dick!
(Everyone is aghast and slowly creeps offstage while looking at HAROLD as if he has some
horrible disease. HAROLD is left alone in disgrace. He slowly looks down at his scorecard with
zero on it and then turns it over, giving himself 1000 points, and smiles quietly to himself.)
Curtain
 LOVE, PHIL
Cast of Characters
JEFF
PHIL

(There are two chairs on stage, one with an envelope on it. JEFF walks out, notices the envelope,
sits down, opens the envelope, removes and unfolds the enclosed letter, glances at it, and calls to
PHIL who is offstage.)
JEFF. Hey Phil. Could you come out here?
PHIL. (Coming out:) Yeah sure Jeff.
JEFF. Take a seat.
(PHIL sits in the chair beside JEFF.)
PHIL. What’s up?
JEFF. I have something here that may be of interest to you. It’s a letter addressed to me and it seems
to concern you. I’d like to read it to you if I could?
PHIL. Sure.
JEFF. Great. It goes (Reading:) “Dear Jeff, the following may come as a shock to you, but I feel the
truth must be known. Under no circumstances should Phil be told the contents of this letter. (JEFF does
a quizzical take to PHIL.) If he were to be confronted with it, I’m sure he would deny everything,
accuse me, and possibly become violent, so please be careful. The truth is—Phil is not what he
appears to be.”
PHIL. (Exploding from his chair:) THAT’S A LIE! THAT’S A GODDAMN FUCKING LIE!!!
JEFF. Wait a minute Phil, let’s see what he goes on to say—
PHIL. I DON’T CARE WHAT HE GOES ON TO SAY JEFF, BECAUSE HE’S A GODDAMN
FUCKING LIAR!!! He’s the one you can’t trust! He’s the one that’s got something to hide! That
asshole! (PHIL knocks over his chair.)
JEFF. God, just settle down! There’s more here.
PHIL. That asshole.
JEFF. Can I go on?
PHIL. Sure.
JEFF. You’re sure you want me to—?
PHIL. Go ON Jeff!
JEFF. Okay! Okay. It goes on to say “As I mentioned, absolute secrecy is mandatory because if Phil
ever got this news his violence could be the least of it.” (JEFF looks at PHIL worried.) “Through my
own intimate knowledge, I believe he might fall into a dark depressive mood, complete with nervous
twitchings and tiny outbursts under his breath.”
(Through the above paragraph, PHIL gradually appears darkly depressed and begins to mutter
violently under his breath, accompanied by nervous spasms. JEFF just stares at him oddly.)
JEFF. (Continuing to read with fear:) “Just when you find him almost unintelligible…”
 (PHIL mumbles something unintelligibly.)
JEFF. “…you’ll notice a new tendency towards imitation.”
PHIL. (Mumble mumble.) …endency towards imitation.
JEFF. “At first this is quite stunning…”
PHIL. At first this is quite stunning…
JEFF. “…but soon becomes…”
PHIL. …but soon becomes…
JEFF. “…downright annoying.”
PHIL. …downright annoying.
JEFF. “This will only persist…”
PHIL. This will only persist…
JEFF. “…for short time…”
PHIL. …for a short time…
JEFF. “…until he…”
PHIL. …until he…
JEFF (Reading) and PHIL (Speaking) SIMULTANEOUSLY.
“…actually catches up to you, and then, by some unbelievable freak of nature…”
PHIL. …overtakes you.
JEFF. “…overtakes you.”
PHIL. And actually predicts what you will say…
JEFF. (Reading:) “And actually predicts what you will say…”
PHIL. …before you can…
JEFF. “…before you can…”
(PHIL pauses manipulatively while JEFF struggles futilely to pronounce the last words of the
sentence before PHIL. PHIL finally relieves him.)
PHIL. …say it.
JEFF. “…say it!”
PHIL. It is now that Phil is at his most powerful…
JEFF. (Still reading:) “It is now that Phil is at his most powerful…”
PHIL. …most manipulative…
JEFF. “…most manipulative…”
PHIL. …and most dangerous…
JEFF. “…and most dangerous…”
PHIL. …as I actually get you to eat your own earwax on stage.
JEFF. “…as I actually get you to eat your own earwax on stage.”
(JEFF looks at PHIL doubtfully but his pinky suddenly jerks up as if out of his control and
violently plumbs the depths of his left ear, jerks back out, and, as JEFF begins to protest, swiftly
descends with its hideous cargo into JEFF’s gaping mouth.)
PHIL. Love, Phil.
JEFF. (Reading in shock and disgust:) “Love, Phil.”
Curtain

Note:
This play is named after Phil Ridarelli who performed it originally and brilliantly. The title however
should be changed to reflect the name of the person performing the role.
 T HE PITTER-PAT OF T INY FEET
Cast of Characters
MAN

MAN. I had a baby last week.

We did, my wife and I.
For about twelve hours until the pregnancy test came back negative.
Yes, we had a baby the minute she woke up sick, throwing up into the toilet—which at first was cause
for sympathy and concern, but on second thought became a sign, a symbol of something yet to come,
a tangible manifestation of an eight-pound six-ounce bouncing baby boy named Noah or Abraham
(girl’s names yet to be announced) drooling on my shoulder and spitting up in a much cuter way than
his mother was now bent gagging over the porcelain throne.
Yes, one little stream of vomit and our lives were irrevocably changed. After all, we had been talking
about when and how and where just the other morning, but now that my wife’s puking we don’t even
have to plan the damn thing! To say nothing of “trying” to get pregnant, like so many couples talk
about “trying” to get pregnant for months and months and months—which does sound like fun—but
think of the anxiety, anxiety which is now eliminated because the bathroom is resonating with the
SACRED CRYPTIC SONG OF THE GODS! A veritable beacon! An angel’s cry! A (choking)
HALLELUJAH A CHILD IS BORN on this day (plus nine months) and this home will be graced with
the babe wrapped in Bohemian clothes and crying in a manner which will wake us up at all hours of
the night yearning for life-giving sustenance and love and warmth and attention and knowledge and
experience of the world, and protection from the evil that lurks in the hearts of men!
A little screaming presence to quiet and coddle, to teach to say “Dad” and “Mom” and “Neo-
Futurism.”
To put one foot in front of the other to crawl and walk and run.
To put on a bike and send off into the world…and bandage his head-wounds when he comes back.
To show how to tackle any challenge that stands in his way, whether it takes the form of a societal
injustice or a bully with a baseball bat.
To never bend to the whips of conformity nor the whims of inhibition.
To say “Dad, I want the keys. I going out on a date and I may not come home!”
To have every experience from mountain climbing in the Alps to major hallucinogens in the alley.
To have all the power and joy and self-confidence that I had—HAVE!…have.
And then the test came back negative.
And although part of me was sad that somewhere a little idea of a child died, I was also relieved to
have at least a few more months where I was just responsible for myself and my life.
Where a cry was just a cry and where throwing up was just gross, and nothing more.
Curtain
 OLEANNA BY DAVID MAMET
Cast of Characters
MAN
WOMAN

(A MAN and a WOMAN stand on stage.)

WOMAN. You’re a dog.
MAN. What?
WOMAN. You’re a dog.
MAN. What are you talking about?
WOMAN. You’re a dog.
MAN. How could I possibly be a dog?
WOMAN. You’re a dog. You are canis familiaris. You have paws instead of hands. Your nose is cold,
your hair is shaggy, when you speak to me you are barking.
MAN. I’m a dog?
WOMAN. That’s right.
MAN. I’m down on all fours with long floppy ears and a wagging tail, chase cars, bite mailmen, and
lick myself periodically?
WOMAN. That’s right.
MAN. I drool a lot?
WOMAN. Yes.
(The MAN pants like a dog for her. The WOMAN nods her head.)
MAN. And I’m barking.
WOMAN. Yes.
MAN. If I’m barking how can you understand me? Are you a dog?
WOMAN. No. I am not a dog.
MAN. But you can understand me?
WOMAN. Everybody understands you.
MAN. Is everybody a dog?
WOMAN. Some.
MAN. Some? Is… (Pointing to a man in the audience:) this guy a dog?
WOMAN. Yes.
MAN. Yes? (Shaking the audience member’s hand:) Hey, how you doing? How’s the litter? You get
that flea problem taken care of? (Audience member responds or not.) So we’re both dogs?
WOMAN. Yes.
MAN. What about… (Pointing to a woman in the audience:) her?
WOMAN. No.
MAN. No? What about (Pointing to a man in the audience:) him?
WOMAN. Yes.
MAN. And him? (Pointing to another man.)
WOMAN. Yes.
MAN. I see a pattern forming here. So if I’m a dog, every guy in this room is also a dog.
WOMAN. That’s right.
MAN. Well why don’t you test us and put a fire hydrant out here and see if we run up and pee on it?
WOMAN. I don’t have to.
MAN. Or throw a stick across the room and tell us to fetch?
WOMAN. There’s no need.
MAN. Or hold out your leg and let us rub up against it you God Damn FUCKING BITCH! YOU
BITCH! YOU GODDAMNED BITCH! AAARRRRGGGHHH!
(The MAN mockingly humps her leg like a dog but then angrily attacks the woman—throwing her
down and attempting to mount her doggie-style. The WOMAN throws him off and pulls away from
him. The MAN looks at the WOMAN in horror at what he had become, realizing her truth.)
WOMAN. Yes. That’s right. That’s right.
Curtain
 T HE RIVER STYNX
Cast of Characters
WOMAN
MAN

(A MAN and a WOMAN sit on stage. The MAN faces forward with the WOMAN slightly behind
and to the side of him holding a clipboard. He sits very still, making eye contact with individual
audience members throughout, feeling very much under surveillance. She calmly asks him the
questions, periodically taking notes on his responses.)
WOMAN. So what’s happening now?
MAN. …
WOMAN. So what’s going on for you now?
MAN. Voices keep asking me questions.
WOMAN. What kind?
MAN. Questions with incomplete sentence structure.
WOMAN. Do they ever ask you the same question?
MAN. No.
WOMAN. How long have you been hearing the voices?
MAN. They just started.
WOMAN. Do you recognize the voices?
MAN. Yes.
WOMAN. Do they ever ask you the same question?
MAN. Sometimes.
WOMAN. Do you answer the voices?
MAN. Yes.
WOMAN. How do you answer?
MAN. Simply.
WOMAN. Can you give me an example?
MAN. Yes.
(Pause.)
WOMAN. Can you identify the voices?
MAN. They asked me not to.
WOMAN. They told you not to?
MAN. No. They asked.
WOMAN. Do you feel a need to obey the voices?
MAN. Yes.
WOMAN. Do the voices have power over you?
MAN. Yes.
WOMAN. Do they threaten you?
MAN. Yes.
WOMAN. What do they threaten you with?
MAN. Horrible things.
WOMAN. (As if quoting:) “Can you tell me what these things are?”
MAN. Yes. (As if suddenly in a trance, reciting:) “They asked me to tell them my worst nightmare.
Then they asked me to tell them the most vulnerable spot on my body. And then they asked me to
imagine that my nightmare would be surgically implanted there if I ever said who you were.”
WOMAN. Who “I” was?
MAN. (Quickly:) Who they were.
(Pause while MAN panics.)
WOMAN. Do you know that it’s true?
MAN. (Turning to face her for the first time:) Is it true?
WOMAN. Oh yes.
(From where she is sitting, the WOMAN very very slowly reaches out her left index finger and
places it on the tip of the MAN’s nose.)
Curtain
 SHAKEN
Cast of Characters
MAN

(A MAN stands on stage with a sack of sugar.)

MAN. I remember seeing this commercial—you know the one. The baby’s crying and the phone’s
ringing and the mother ’s trying to cook dinner. And the baby’s crying and the phone’s ringing and the
dinner ’s boiling over. And the baby’s crying and the mother ’s trying to answer the phone and the
dinner ’s burning. And the baby’s crying and the mother ’s screaming into the phone and the dinner ’s
splashing all over the kitchen. And with this look of fury in her eyes the mother lunges for the baby
and the image freezes!
And then this voiceover says something like “Stop! Before you take it out on your child.”
And I remember thinking “Good God how horrible! This woman must be crazy! How could you
possibly let it get to you to the point of shaking your own baby to death? This ad must be aimed at
those single parents who live in the slums with 36 kids and no education.”
And then I had my beautiful little red-haired, blue-eyed, cute-as-a-pumpkin son. And I get to play with
him every day as I take care of him. And every day his smile fills my heart with joy. But, with equal
force, his cry just sends knives through my soul. So I feed him and I hold him and I change him and I
rock him and I put him to bed.
(The MAN begins to move the sack of sugar back and forth between his hands. This gradually
escalates through the following.)
But sometimes these things don’t work and the screaming goes on. And it goes on. And I love him
more than anything else in the world and I’m responsible for making him feel better right now and I
can’t do it. And he screams.
So I pick him up and I move him around to different rooms and he screams.
And I smile and I try to laugh it off and I say “that’s okay” and he screams.
And I tell myself “you should be able to handle this” and it’s 3am and he screams.
And I’ve got money and education and family support and he screams.
And I’ve been non-violent since I was twelve and he screams and I want it to stop.
I just want to do anything to stop the pain—that he feels, that I feel, that’s clawing its way into my
heart and tearing my hair out and he screams.
And I’ve read stories of the horrible, terrible, awful parents who throw their babies out the window or
smother them with a pillow and I know it’s unthinkable but I am there!
I am right there right now and I want it to stop now!
I want to end the screaming and I want to end the pain and I want to just pick him up and SHAKE THE
FUCK OUT OF HIM!
(After escalating to violently shaking the sack of sugar the MAN freezes.)
But I don’t.
So far.
Curtain
 A D N AUSEAM
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO

(An offstage voice calls out “Act One!” as ONE and TWO walk on from stage left. They are
nervous and awkward.)
ONE. Well… I had a nice time.
TWO. Yeah…it was…um…
ONE. It was fun.
TWO. Yeah, it was nice. It was fun.
(They laugh and fidget uncomfortably.)
ONE. Well…um…I gotta go.
TWO. Yeah, it’s late.
ONE. I’ll… I’ll see you around.
TWO. Yeah… I’ll see you.
ONE. Goodnight.
TWO. Bye.
(ONE and TWO exit in the opposite directions without any expression of affection, despite their
obvious desire to have one.
The offstage voice calls out “Act One!” ONE and TWO enter from either side of the stage and
repeat the previous scene as exactly as possible, using the same inflection and timing, until they
once again exit in opposite directions.
The offstage voice again calls out “Act One!” and ONE and TWO enter again and execute
another repetition of the scene. This pattern continues “ad nauseam” until someone in the
audience can’t stand it any more and calls out some alternative solution to their predicament.
When a solution is offered ONE and TWO act on it as honestly as possible and the “Curtain” is
called.)
 BAD REVIEW
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
HAROLD
WILLIAM

(JEFF sits in a chair center stage reading his text from a newspaper. For the staging for the rest of
this play, the performers basically do what is described in the text.)
JEFF. (Reading:) “Jeff’s latest entry for the ever-changing Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind
menu once again relies on the tired and true trope of self-conscious meta-theater—a style which, after
20 years, Jeff has perfected and painfully driven into the ground. The conceit is obvious, the writing
too clever, the staging static.”
SAM. (Entering and doing something physical:) “Only with the entrance of the charming (SAM’s full
name.), a relatively new face to the stage, do things really get going. His winning boyish good nature
and stunning physical dexterity…” (He performs some act of physical dexterity) “…really build
hopeful expectations in the audience.”
JEFF. (Back to reading:) “Unfortunately,”
(SAM exits.)
“Jeff lacks the generosity or foresight to stick with Sam as his protagonist, instead reserving that role
for himself in a rather misguided denial of his age and ability. This is never so obvious as” (He stops
reading and moves to an audience member.) “when he makes an embarrassing attempt to ingratiate
himself with an audience member” (JEFF gives a flower to a woman in the audience.) “—a young
woman he obviously finds attractive on the night I attended.” (An awkward non-verbal moment
ensues.) “Her awkwardness at his cloying offer reveals just how out of touch Jeff really is.”
SAM. (From the wings:) “Sam, on the other hand, could have handled this moment with great
aplomb.”
HAROLD. “Luckily, experienced actors Harold…”
WILLIAM. “…and William…”
HAROLD & WILLIAM. “…offer some relief from the monotonous drone of Jeff’s voice…”
HAROLD. “…by engaging in some…”
WILLIAM. “…quick…”
HAROLD. “…witty…”
WILLIAM. “…banter,…”
HAROLD. “…and a surprising moment of physical violence.”
(WILLIAM hits HAROLD with an unseen Whiffle Bat.)
WILLIAM & HAROLD. “But they are once again banished from the stage by Jeff’s solipsosm.”
JEFF. “Solipsism.”
WILLIAM & HAROLD. “Solipsism.” (They exit.)
JEFF. (Reading:) “This critic cannot help but wonder where are the women in this oddly all male
cast? Is this an intentional comment on the male ego, or merely a sexist oversight?”
“In one hopeful, surprising turn of events, Jeff stops referring to himself in the third person and…”
(Dropping the paper, not reading, and speaking honestly to the audience:) I actually seem to
acknowledge what is going on on stage. This could lead me to a greater understanding of myself and
my surroundings and why I need to hide behind these contrivances… (Back to reading:) “but alas he
cannot resist the double-back, turning this honest moment into just one more self-referential
gimmick. It’s also worth noting that Jeff still shows no great ability to here…memorize his lines
verbatim…here.”
“In conclusion, this is a shadow of Jeff’s early meta-theatrical masterpieces yet he steals from them
all, showing a sad lack of originality. Frankly, this critic thinks it’s time for him to shit or get off the
stage. His repeated stabs at self-effacement merely heighten the obviousness of his own pathetic
pomposity. And his final attempt at redemption with a clever ending is both sudden and—”
Curtain
 FOOL-H EARTY
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE

(ONE sits on stage beside TWO.)

ONE. I love you.
TWO. I don’t.
(TWO exits.)
ONE. I think that’s one of the great fears—to lay it all on the line, to take your raw throbbing pulsing
beating heart out of your chest, hand it to someone, and then they get our their spiked golf shoes and
do A DEMONIC TAP DANCE ON IT!
(THREE enters and sits beside ONE.)
ONE. I think you’re pretty great.
THREE. You’re not.
(THREE exits.)
ONE. But the thing is—you’ve got to hang in there, you’ve got to just forge ahead and take the risk
that just because you unconditionally give your heart to an ultimately unknown identity, it doesn’t
necessarily mean they’ll put it in one of those ratcheted iron table vices and slowly crush EVERY
OUNCE OF LIVING TISSUE OUT OF IT!
(FOUR enters and sits beside ONE.)
ONE. It was a nice day today, hunh?
FOUR. No.
(FOUR exits.)
ONE. I mean just because a certain pattern may seem to be evidencing itself in a kind of bold, tactilely
painful way, doesn’t mean it will necessarily continue on into a never-ending hell equal to having
someone SLICE open your stomach, RIP out your INTESTINES, NAIL them to a TREE, and force
you to RUN AROUND IT DISEMBOWELLING YOURSELF!
(FIVE enters and sits beside ONE.)
ONE. Do you…know what time it is?
FIVE. Yeah, it’s about 8:30 (Or whatever the actual time is).
(Pause as FIVE smiles at ONE and ONE smiles back, and then at the audience.)
ONE. You know, there’s always hope—if you’re just persistent and go with what you feel. There’s
always a future, and you never know what it’s going to be.
(Turning to FIVE.)
I love you.
(Just as FIVE is about to respond someone shouts “CURTAIN!”)
 SNACKTIME AT THE RNC
Cast of Characters
VOICEOVER

(As the voiceover text begins, a spotlight rises to show an ensemble member on stage holding a
large American flag. As the text goes on, the flag begins to sway back and forth and then wave to
and fro. By the end of the text the flag should be vigorously—almost violently—waved back and
forth in the spotlight.)
VOICEOVER. The crudités and honeydew melons glow bright beneath the florescent fixtures as the
glad-handing suddenly turns sour at the back of the room. The speaker glances up from his
teleprompter before launching into that bit about Democratic infanticide, and just in time to see the
first of the scarlet flames licking the wallpaper with its bubbling tongue.
Toothy self-serving smiles open wider as the first fully-engulfed, unlucky few emit thunderous notes
not previously included in a Western scale. What with the sudden rise in blood pressure and Tibetan
throat yodeling, this much energy hasn’t been witnessed from a bunch of old white men since it was
time to lynch a darkie. But here they are, leaping and climbing and tearing at each other to escape the
withering heat like puppies at a pig roast.
But the fire doors open in.
No one expected that as the roar quickly drowns out the screams and circumnavigates the ballroom
not once, not twice, but thrice in a balletic move worthy of Nureyev. The coughs and sputters, the
gasps and groans of the victims crescendo and wane as the bodies roll and burn, burn and roll on the
once paisley carpet. Finally reduced to crackling crispy igneous rock-like figures, the GOP lies silent.
Somewhere a polar bear breathes a sigh of relief.
(Fade to black.)
Curtain
 IT’S A BREEZE
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR

(Four men stand on stage.)

ALL. Hi.
ONE. We’re male.
TWO. And white.
THREE. Not only that, but we’re young.
FOUR. Yup, four young white men.
TWO. Think of the power.
ONE. You know, life’s a breeze when you’re young, white, and male.
FOUR. Yup, we can do anything we want to.
THREE. We can go anywhere we please.
TWO. The future is anything we want to make it.
ONE. WE can be head of the household.
THREE. We can run large corporations.
TWO. We can be elected to major political offices.
FOUR. Like mayor.
THREE. Or senate.
ONE. All because we’re young, white, and male.
TWO. Thank God we’re not women.
FOUR. Or black.
THREE. Or queer.
TWO. You mean you’re not…?
THREE. No.
ONE. (To TWO:) I thought you were…?
TWO. No, not me. (To FOUR:) Maybe…?
FOUR. No, don’t look at me.
TWO. Oh my God! And straight! We’ve got it made!
ONE. You know, the other day, I hired one of us for a job.
(Others congratulate him.)
THREE. I just wrote a book about one of us.
(Congratulations all around.)
TWO. You know last night, I went to the theater and saw a play about being just like us.
(High praise from others.)
FOUR. (To the others:) Who are you going to vote for in the next election?
OTHERS. (After looks of confirmation.) One of us!
ONE. You know, life’s a breeze for us. We can do anything we want to, because…
ALL. We’re young, we’re white, we’re straight, and we’re male.
Curtain
 KING LEAR
Cast of Characters
LEAR
REAGAN
CORDELIA
ANNOUNCER

(Three performers portray LEAR, REAGAN, and CORDELIA. As with “Macbeth,” the famous
roles are played very casually without much acting. Another performer serves as ANNOUNCER
to proclaim the acts. At top, LEAR stands center stage wearing a coat and tie.)
ANNOUNCER. The Tragedy of King Lear by William Shakespeare. Act One!
(REAGAN walks on from stage left to meet LEAR, sitting in a chair, and stops.)
LEAR. Do you love me?
REAGAN. Yes.
(REAGAN exits stage left. LEAR is pleased. REAGAN enters again from stage left and stops
beside LEAR.)
LEAR. Do you love me?
REAGAN. Yes.
(REAGAN exits stage left. LEAR is more pleased. CORDELIA enters from stage right to meet
LEAR and stops.)
LEAR. Do you love me?
CORDELIA. Nothing.
(CORDELIA hangs her head and exits stage right.)
LEAR. What?!
ANNOUNCER. Act Two!
(LEAR is blind. He slowly stands and begins to feel his way around the stage. REAGAN walks on
from stage left. LEAR hears him enter, finds and stops him, holding him by the shoulders.)
LEAR. Do you love me?
REAGAN. Yes.
(LEAR removes his coat and gives it to REAGAN. REAGAN continues on to exit stage right.
LEAR gropes around the stage. REAGAN, now wearing the coat, crosses from stage right to left
and is again stopped by LEAR.)
LEAR. Do you love me?
REAGAN. Yes.
(LEAR removes his shirt and tie and gives them to REAGAN. REAGAN exits stage left. LEAR
gropes. REAGAN enters stage left with the coat, shirt, and tie and is stopped by LEAR.)
LEAR. Do you love me?
REAGAN. Yes.
 (LEAR removes his watch and gives it to REAGAN. REAGAN begins to exit again but realizes
his benefit and returns to LEAR, tapping him on the shoulder so that he can easily find him.)
LEAR. Do you love me?
REAGAN. You bet.
(LEAR removes both his shoes and gives them to REAGAN. REAGAN is disappointed and exits
with them stage left. LEAR is left alone on stage, groping and listening for REAGAN’s return. He
inevitably hears noises from the audience and moves towards whomever he hears. When he runs
into someone, he holds them by the shoulders and asks “Do you love me?” If they answer “yes”
he removes his socks and gives them to the audience member. The audience responds to this,
causing more noise which LEAR moves to find. When he finds someone, he takes them by the
shoulders and asks “Do you love me?” If they answer “yes” he removes and gives them his pants.
He again moves towards the noise he hears, takes them by the shoulders and asks “Do you love
me?” If they answer “yes” he removes and gives them his underwear. LEAR is now left alone,
blind, and naked. He backs up onto the stage, attempting to cover himself, overwhelmed with
vulnerability.)
LEAR. Lear…I…nothing…am.
(LEAR gropes his way off stage left.)
ANNOUNCER. Act Three!
(CORDELIA enters from stage right carrying a large brown paper grocery bag. REAGAN enters
from stage right and meets her center stage and seats her politely in the chair. He then takes the
bag from her, seats her in the chair, kneels on the floor, and removes a styrofoam head and a saw
from the bag. He cuts the head through at the eyes making as much excruciating noise as possible
with the saw. While he does this, although it causes her no pain, CORDELIA slowly goes blind.
He puts the saw and the two parts of the styrofoam head back into the bag, gives it to CORDELIA,
and exits stage left. CORDELIA clutches the bag to her chest and gropes her way blindly off stage
right.)
ANNOUNCER. Act Four!
(LEAR crawls out from stage left, wearing a coat to cover his nakedness. CORDELIA crawls out
from stage right. They crawl towards each other, groping their way across stage, but crawl past
each other. They stop, sensing the other’s presence, and crawl back towards each other but miss
each other again. They again stop and crawl towards each other until they meet. LEAR grabs
CORDELIA by the shoulders and desperately asks “Do you love me? Do you love me?” but
CORDELIA does not answer for she has gone deaf. LEAR continues to shake her and ask “Do
you love me?” until REAGAN crosses the stage and throws a glass of water in LEAR’s face.
LEAR now regains his sight and sees that it is CORDELIA, clutches her to his chest, and quietly
says “Howl…howl…howl.”)
Curtain

Note:
If at any time a questioned audience member does not respond positively when asked “Do you love
me?,” the questioning stops and LEAR then backs up on stage feeling vulnerable and saying “Lear…I
…nothing…am.”
 GUILTY
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX

(Six performers spread out around the stage in the dark, not in order, addressing the audience.
Each has a flashlight and lights their own face when they speak. With each line they keep their
flashlight on, adding to the lit faces of the previous lines, until the blackouts indicated in the
script.)
ONE. We will search.
TWO. And you will be found.
THREE. There is no escape.
FOUR. Resistance is futile.
FIVE. You can run…
SIX. —but you can’t hide. (Blackout.)
(Beat.)
ONE. We will catch you.
TWO. The truth will out. (Blackout.)
THREE. No one is innocent.
FOUR. Everyone is guilty. (Blackout.)
FIVE. It may be a secret…
SIX. —to you…
ONE. —but not to us.
TWO. Everyone is a suspect…
(They converge on one audience member.)
THREE. —but we know it’s you.
FOUR. And you know it’s you. (Blackout.)
FIVE. It’s time to confess. (Blackout.)
SIX. Why not say it now?… (Blackout.)
ONE. And save us time on the clock. (Blackout.)
TWO. You have five seconds to confess.
(ONE through SIX shine their flashlights into the chosen audience member’s eyes.)
ALL. FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
 (The audience member confesses their guilt.)
(Blackout.)
THREE. There.
FOUR. Don’t you feel better?
FIVE. We do.
SIX. It’s good to get that off your chest. (Blackout.)
(Beat)
ONE. Now let’s start again.
(They all shine their flashlights into other audience members’ eyes. After a few beats…)
Curtain
 PRACTICE MAKES PREFECT
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
JOAN

(A small table is pre-set center stage. As JEFF is speaking, SAM comes out with an upside down
glass full of water on a piece of cardboard that keeps the water from spilling out. He places it on
the table and slides out the cardboard. He leaves it there, and exits.)
JEFF. When you set out—when you—when you—when you set out—when you set out to—to do—to
do—to do something, there are those—there are those—there are those who—who—who—who need
to—need to—need to—to—to think—to think—to think—to think it—to think it—
JOAN. When you set out to do something, there are those who need to think it over.
(JOAN picks up the glass and the water pours all over the table and the floor. SAM comes out
with another upside down glass of water and leaves it on the table.)
JEFF. But—but—but there are also those—those—those who—those who—those who—there are
also those who act rashly—act rashly before—before—before—before they have—they have—they
have—they have thought—have thought what—have thought what to—what to—what to—have
thought what to—
JOAN. But there are also those who act rashly before they have thought what to do.
(JEFF picks up the entire table and turns it upside down, removes the glass, and drinks it. SAM
comes out with a pitcher of water.)
SAM. Given the latter or the former…I pick the neither.
(SAM slowly fills the glass up with water from the pitcher but then just keeps on pouring as the
glass overflows all over the table and the floor until “Curtain!” is called.)

Note:
Jeff’s lines are not stuttering. They should be delivered as slightly poetic repetition.
 T HAT SUMMER FEELING
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX

(Six ensemble members stand onstage and address the audience.)

ONE. It’s summer.
TWO. It’s hot.
THREE. People wear comfortable clothes.
FOUR. Tight fitting.
FIVE. Loose fitting.
SIX. More and more skin to be seen.
(They begin to approach the audience.)
ONE. Sun-baked bodies take on a healthy glow as they come your way.
TWO. You find your eyes lingering on…
THREE. their arms…
FOUR. their necks…
FIVE. the depths of their shirt line…
SIX. the curves and contours of a few people you find yourself specifically, idiosyncratically drawn
to…
(They each gravitate towards someone they are attracted to, checking them out.)
ONE. And you watch them…
TWO. And you find yourself…
THREE. Thinking about…
ALL. Sex.
(Blackout. As each person speaks they are lit by a flashlight held by someone else in the ensemble.
Everyone chimes in on the word “sex.”)
FOUR. At first it’s kind of the “I’m ashamed—I shouldn’t be thinking about this—I’m involved with
somebody” SEX.
FIVE. But soon turns into the “Oh who cares—innocent flirting—joking with each other—getting to
know a new friend (with a great body)” SEX.
SIX. Or on to the “turned out the lights—going to bed—what do I think about?—his tongue slowly
making its way down from my neck” SEX.
ONE. And then the “back of the car—fully clothed—hand mauling—sucking each others’ tonsils out
—junior high school” SEX.
TWO. The “quiet—late night—hand down your pants—Mom’s in the next room—Adrienne Barbeau
TV movie” SEX.
THREE. The “desperate—balls up—nipples hard—fingernails leaving gashes in my back—haven’t
seen you in three weeks—fuck me now!—bestial” SEX.
FOUR. The “pools of sweat saturating the bed sheets—can’t quite get there—been going at it for
three hours despite this farting noise” SEX.
FIVE. The “delicate tender kisses on my balls—one more and I’m going to come all over your
forehead” SEX.
SIX. The “right there—to the left!—to the LEFT!—bite it!—BITE you asshole!” SEX.
ONE. The “screaming—public—I DON’T CARE who else is in the room/in the house/across the
street calling the cops because they think someone is being decapitated”—orgasmic SEX!
(Everyone has an orgasm in the dark.)
TWO. The…the…the… “I think I’m having a heart attack—get off me!—GET OFF ME!” SEX.
THREE. The “thank you, thank you that was really nice—I’ve really got to go—what was your name
again?” SEX.
FOUR. The “Oh my God I didn’t know it was possible for my entire head to fall asleep” SEX.
SIX. The “What?—What are you doing?—no, No!, that’s way too sensitive! Way too…yes, YES!—
second, third, and fourth time around” SEX.
FIVE. The (Nonverbal growling, gurgling, and cooing.) SEX.
ONE. And then…
TWO. And then…
THREE. And then…
FOUR. You start thinking about…
ALL. Winter.
Curtain
 T HE STORY OF H AND IN GLOVE
Cast of Characters
HAND
GLOVE

(This is a solo puppet show performed by a performer’s right hand and the right hand glove held
in their left hand. The glove is minimally puppeted.)
GLOVE. Hello Mr. Hand.
HAND. Hello Mr. Glove.
GLOVE. You sure look fine today Mr. Hand.
HAND. Why thank you Mr. Glove. And so do you. So do you.
GLOVE. Why don’t you come over here and put me on?
HAND. No, I can’t do that Mr. Glove.
GLOVE. Don’t you want to Mr. Hand?
HAND. Sure I want to Mr. Glove, but I can’t.
GLOVE. Why not Mr. Hand? It would be nice.
HAND. That’s very true Mr. Glove, it would be nice. But it would be bad Mr. Glove.
GLOVE. Why would it be bad Mr. Hand? We fit together so well.
HAND. Yes, that is true. But ultimately it would be bad Mr. Glove.
GLOVE. If we fit together, how could it be bad Mr. Hand?
HAND. Because Mr. Glove, I would get all warm and comfortable and get used to wearing you and I
would wear you all the time and then you would start to wear out and I would start poking through
and we would get too warm or too comfortable and pretty soon we would not fit together at all but I
would still need a glove and then I would go looking for a new glove and I would wear that glove Mr.
Glove.
(Pause)
GLOVE. Oh, come on Mr. Hand. Please?
HAND. No Mr. Glove. I’m sorry I cannot.
(Pause)
HAND. I love you Mr. Glove.
GLOVE. And I love you Mr. Hand.
(Pause and fade to black.)
Curtain
 T HIS PLAY DOES N OT EXIST
Cast of Characters
JOAN
JEFF
SAM

(For the purposes of this play, this play must be #23 on the clothesline. Like all other plays, “23!”
is called out by the audience, the number is jumped for and pulled down off the clothesline, the
title is called out, and the piece of paper is balled up and thrown into the audience.)
(After the “Go” is called, JOAN comes out and asks if anyone has seen where that paper wad
went. When she retrieves the number from the audience, she unfolds it, confirms that it is number
23, and then moves upstage to where SAM meets her and they burn it over a coffee can, preferably
with a blowtorch.)
(Meanwhile, other performers take the stage. They are watchful and belligerent. One of them sets
a podium center stage and JEFF is escorted out onto stage by two other performers. He stands
behind the podium as the theater lights black out except for a single spotlight on JEFF at the
podium.)
JEFF. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. It has come to our attention that there have been spurious
rumors spreading throughout the theater about the existence of a so-called “Twenty-Third Play.” I am
here to officially state that there is no play number 23. In fact, there never has been a play number 23.
We believe that the source of these malicious rumors originated from a simple confusion with play
number 24. We are making every effort to identify the person or persons responsible for—IT’S NOT
TRUE! I’VE PERFORMED PLAY NUMBER TWENTY THREE! IT DOES EXIST! IT’S A GOOD
PLAY! IT’S A GOOD PLAY! (Etc.)
(The moment JEFF makes this outburst he is immediately taken down by two other performers and
dragged from the room into another room where he continues to protest.)
(Meanwhile, the rest of the ensemble immediately moves out towards the audience and tries to
distract them from what’s happening on stage by calling attention to the tech booth [“Hey, is that
Bill in the booth?” “My God he’s handsome isn’t he?” “I think he’s not wearing a shirt.,” etc.] or
simply saying things like “Nothing going on here,” “Move along,” “Nothing to look at here.” If
people continue to try to see what’s happening to JEFF, the audience can be threatened more
directly by getting in their face with things like “What are you lookin’ at?”)
(After JEFF is cleared from the stage and the ensuing mayhem concludes, order is re-established
with SAM going to the podium and everyone else surrounding him and surveying the audience.
SAM addresses the audience.)
SAM. I’m sorry ladies and gentlemen. There was somehow a mistake made. The previous speaker
was reading from the wrong script. The situation has been taken care of. (We hear some brief yelling
from where JEFF has been taken offstage.) I reiterate, there is no play number 23. There never was a
play number 23. Play number 23 will never be spoken of…ever…again.
(Behind the cast’s back, SAM reaches into his jacket pocket and subtly pulls out a little card
which says “Long Live Play Number 23.” He puts it back into his jacket and calls “Curtain.”)
 W E A RE A LL INDIVIDUALS
Cast of Characters
JEFF

(JEFF addresses the audience while the rest of the ensemble watches.)
JEFF. Could everyone please stand up?
(The audience stands.)
JEFF. Could everyone please sit down.
(The audience sits.)
JEFF. Could everyone please stand up again?
(The audience stands.)
JEFF. Could everyone please place your right index finger on your nose…and leave it there.
(The audience presumably does this.)
JEFF. Could everyone now repeat after me: I will do…
(The audience says “I will do…”)
JEFF. …whatever Jeff tells me to do.
(The audience says “…whatever Jeff tells me to do.”)
JEFF. Reports?
(If the witnessing ensemble members tell JEFF everyone in the audience has conformed to these
instructions, JEFF takes it further—instructing them to place both index fingers on the nose, or
even a finger up their nose—until he identifies someone who simply refuses to follow directions.
If there are some people who did not conform to his original instructions, the witnessing ensemble
members tell JEFF who they were. JEFF goes out and individually addresses them and gets them to
conform by repeating the previous instructions.
If someone continues to refuse to conform, JEFF brings the non-conformist out on stage. He cross-
examines them to see what the problem is. He has another audience member stand up and
demonstrate what to do. He finally takes out a Super-Soaker and holds it to their head and
threatens to soak them if they do not conform. He soaks them if they do not conform. He asks if the
person came with someone to the show that night, has them stand up, and then threatens to soak
them. JEFF encourages their friend to talk them into conforming so that they will not get soaked.
If even these tactics do not result in the person conforming, JEFF makes them clearly state that
they will not follow his directions. If they do this, or rebel against doing so, he changes his
attitude and shakes their hand and happily congratulates them on their rebellion.
If any of these tactics do result in the person conforming, JEFF has that person rejoin the crowd
and then has everyone stand up and follow the final directive in unison. If someone else rebels at
this point [which is likely], JEFF makes them clearly state that they will not follow his directions.
If they do this, or rebel against it, he changes his attitude and shakes their hand and happily
congratulates them on their rebellion.)

Note:
The clock may be shut off at any time as an added threat and time saver.
 A MONOLOGUE
Cast of Characters
ENSEMBLE

(Blackout. A spotlight slowly rises on the stage to reveal the full ensemble circled around it just
out of the light. A performer begins the “monologue” which is soon picked up by someone else at
random. The original speaker fades out after a couple of words in unison with the next speaker.
This continues on in a random tag-team method, sometimes with one speaker, sometimes with
many, but with everyone chiming in for at least one section of the text at random times. The
original speaker comes in on the final two lines of the “monologue” and ends on his own.)
These words have been spoken before, before this very second when they crawl out of my mouth to
vibrate your ears and draw pictures in your head. These words are fresh and clean and undiluted by
any extraneous…
I am speaking the truth. And the truth, although not simple, can be easily put: “Here I am,” I say,
“Look at me for what I am. Draw your own conclusions. I am just a person, a person like yourself
who could be standing here and reciting these words. My flaws are yours; my fears are yours; my
triumphs are our own.”
As I speak this text, think of what it is like to stand here behind my eyes and do so. Say to yourself “I
will not forget a word. I will not lose track of what I’m saying. I will just stand here and say what must
be said until it is done.”
And now, soon, as these words draw to a close, I must concentrate all the more to put my point across.
And it is this: I cannot say what that is. I must just be. And in that being you will see.
Curtain
 BLIND DATE
(At the beginning of this play a performer is blindfolded and put in one of two chairs at a small
table. The “Go” is called and an ensemble member goes and picks out an audience member to go
on a “blind date” with the performer. The date can be of any gender. The audience member is
escorted onto the stage as the performer stands and holds the chair for their date. When they sit
down the performer takes their seat. Romantic music sets the mood with Fred Astaire’s “The Way
You Look Tonight” and then Dick Powell’s “I Only Have Eyes for You”. The performer should
remain nonverbal throughout the piece.
Meanwhile other ensemble members have placed a serving plate with food and a bottle or pitcher
of a beverage on the table, as well as given each person a plate and a glass. Night to night the
performer should not to be aware of what the food and beverage choice is, having to wrestle with
figuring it out in the moment. They should also be given utensils which are not necessarily
appropriate to eat the food that is prepared for them.
The performer [let’s say it’s a man], to the best of his ability, pours some liquid into his date’s
glass and then into his own glass and raises his glass to toast. If he feels adventurous he can even
try to drink with his date with arms intertwined. After the glasses clink he drinks and finds out
what the beverage tastes like [soda, milk, orange juice, vodka, etc.]. He then finds the central food
tray with his fingers and manages, to the best of his ability, to split whatever is on it between
himself and his guest on their two plates. He then gestures for his date to eat. He eats whatever it
is that he has been served and hopefully so does his date.
After struggling with the food and drink for a bit, the performer stands and offers to dance with
his date. Hopefully they dance to the music. After a quick dance, the performer pretends to look at
his watch and makes the “it’s time to go” gesture. Before his date can leave though, the performer
puckers up for a kiss and leans forward in the general direction of the date. The audience member
either kisses him or does any one of a number of things to him and then returns to their seat before
the “Curtain” is called. At the “Curtain,” the performer removes his blindfold with his back
turned to the audience and hopefully never finds out whom he went on that night’s date with.)
 H ONESTLY
Cast of Characters
SPOKESPERSON

(The ensemble lines up on stage and the “Go” is called. Each performer says their own name from
stage right to stage left. The last one in line serves as the SPOKESPERSON and addresses the
audience.)
SPOKESPERSON. Please nominate one of us to perform the following play.
(The audience calls out names and the first person identified by the SPOKESPERSON comes over
and stands next to the SPOKESPERSON. The other ensemble members clear the stage.)
SPOKESPERSON. Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 60 seconds, (Chosen ensemble member) will
answer any “yes” or “no” question you put to him/her with absolute honesty. Please begin.
(The SPOKESPERSON moves offstage and keeps track of the 60 seconds. The audience asks
questions and the chosen ensemble member does their best to answer the questions honestly with a
simple “yes” or “no.” Invariably, the audience will ask a non-yes or no question at which point
they still answer “yes” or “no.” When there are five seconds left, the SPOKESPERSON
announces “Last question.” When it is answered they call “Curtain.”)

Note:
If the Spokesperson is chosen by the audience to perform, someone else steps into their role.
 CYRANO
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
SAM
MARIA

(JEFF finds a man and JOAN finds a woman sitting in the audience who can see each other across
the stage. They whisper their parenthetical lines into their chosen audience member’s ear until
this breaks down as indicated in the text.)
JEFF & JOAN. (Please repeat everything I tell you loud enough for everyone to hear.)
JEFF. (Hi there!)
MAN. Hi there!
JOAN. (Hello yourself.)
WOMAN. Hello yourself.
JEFF. (This is kind of embarrassing…)
MAN. This is kind of embarrassing…
JEFF. (…but I saw you there…)
MAN. …but I saw you there…
JEFF. (…and I just had to say something.)
MAN. …and I just had to say something.
JOAN. (Oh that’s okay)
WOMAN. Oh that’s okay.
JOAN. (I’m glad you did.)
WOMAN. I’m glad you did.
JEFF. (So, do you come here often?)
MAN. So, do you come here often?
JOAN. (That sounds like such a line.)
WOMAN. That sounds like such a line.
JEFF. (No, really…)
MAN. No, really…
JEFF. (…have you ever seen this show before?)
MAN. …have you ever seen this show before?
JOAN. (Oh yeah, …)
WOMAN. Oh yeah, …
JOAN. (I come here a lot.)
WOMAN. I come here a lot.
JOAN. (This is the greatest show I’ve ever seen in my life.)
WOMAN. This is the greatest show I’ve ever seen in my life.
JOAN. (In fact, I can’t wait to go home and tell all of my friends about how awesome it is!)
WOMAN. In fact, I can’t wait to go home and tell all of my friends about how awesome it is!
JEFF. (Who did you come here with tonight?)
MAN. Who did you come here with tonight?
JOAN. (I came on my own.)
WOMAN. I came on my own.
JEFF. (I don’t mean to be forward but…)
MAN. I don’t mean to be forward but…
JEFF. (…are you seeing anyone?)
MAN. …are you seeing anyone?
JOAN. (Why no!)
WOMAN. Why no!
JOAN. (I’m single.)
WOMAN. I’m single.
JOAN. (And looking.)
WOMAN. And looking.
JEFF. (Well! What are you doing after the show?)
MAN. Well! What are you doing after the show?
JOAN. (Going home with you I hope.)
WOMAN. Going home with you I hope.
JEFF. (Oh, you’re just saying that.)
MAN. Oh, you’re just saying that.
JOAN. (Not at all, …)
WOMAN. Not at all, …
JOAN. (Big boy.)
WOMAN. Big boy.
SAM. (Into some other audience member’s ear:) (Hey, could you two get a room?)
OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER. Hey, could you two get a room?
MARIA. (Into another audience member’s ear:) (Really, we’ve got a show to finish!)
ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER. Really, we’ve got a show to finish!
JEFF. (Some people are so insensitive.)
MAN. Some people are so insensitive.
JOAN. (So what do you think?)
WOMAN. So what do you think?
JOAN. (I’ve always had a thing for men with facial hair [Or whatever’s appropriate].)
WOMAN. I’ve always had a thing for men with facial hair.
JEFF. (Short hair is my favorite [Or whatever’s appropriate].)
MAN. Short hair is my favorite.
JOAN. (So why don’t you just ditch the mouthpiece and say it!)
WOMAN. So why don’t you just ditch the mouthpiece and say it!
JEFF. (Out loud across the theater directly to the female participant:) I love you!
JOAN. (Still whispering:) (Oh Jeff, you don’t know how long I’ve waited for this.)
WOMAN. Oh Jeff, you don’t know how long I’ve waited for this.
JOAN. (Those furtive glances across the stage.)
WOMAN. Those furtive glances across the stage.
JOAN. (Secret peeks in the dressing room.)
WOMAN. Secret peeks in the dressing room.
JEFF. (Crossing the stage to JOAN and the woman:) Well, why haven’t you ever said anything?
JOAN. (Because I’m scared.)
WOMAN. Because I’m scared.
JOAN. (I’m scared of what they’ll say.)
WOMAN. I’m scared of what they’ll say.
JEFF. (Standing by them:) Don’t be shy. Everything’s going to be okay.
(JEFF reaches out his hand to the woman.)
JOAN. (I can’t.)
WOMAN. I can’t.
JOAN. (Take his hand.)
(The woman either repeats this or actually takes his hand. If she repeats it, JOAN makes it clear
by repeating—)
JOAN. (No, take his hand!)
(The audience member takes JEFF’s hand.)
JEFF. My love.
(JEFF kisses her hand and gazes into her eyes. JOAN is bummed.)
Curtain
 H AIR DIRECTOR
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
JOAN

(SAM and JOAN are on stage. JEFF walks on as the “director” and hands each of them a one
page script with their “lines.”)
JEFF. Okay, let’s just start by reading the play. Go ahead and read the script.
(SAM and JOAN read the following script simply. JOAN is always cheery.)
SAM. “How are you?”
JOAN. “I’m feeling just fine.”
SAM. “I’m glad to hear it.”
JEFF. Okay, that’s a start. Do you think you guys can get that memorized?
(SAM and JOAN run their lines a couple times quickly:)
SAM. Sure. “How are you?”
JOAN. “I’m feeling just fine.”
SAM. “I’m glad to hear it.” “How are you?”
JOAN. “I’m feeling just fine.”
SAM. “I’m glad to hear it.”
JEFF. Great. I think the operative is “glad” Sam—“I’m glad to hear it.”
SAM. (Echoing him:) “I’m glad to hear it.” Oh, okay.
JEFF. So let’s talk subtext here. What do you think each of the characters is really expressing in their
lines? Sam?
SAM. I think I’m saying I’m interested in her and showing that I want her to feel good.
JEFF. I question your script analysis there Sam. What about the contraction?
SAM. The contraction?
JEFF. You use the contraction “I’m” instead of “I am.” You’re obviously in a lot of pain.
SAM. Pain?
JEFF. If you had the luxury to say “I am glad to hear it” you would, but instead you use “I’m.” “I’m
glad to hear it.”
SAM. I see. So I’m in great pain?
JEFF. Like you’ve just been stabbed repeatedly in the stomach…or something. That’s up to you to
decide. That’s the actor ’s job. And Joan, what do you think?
JOAN. Well, I think I’m saying that I’m feeling just fine.
JEFF. Exactly. Good analysis Joan. (JOAN is cheered while SAM is mystified.) So let’s try this again
—with the subtext this time. “Go!”
(SAM delivers his lines doubled over as if he were in great pain while JOAN delivers her lines
 exactly as before and cheery.)
SAM. “How…are…you?”
JOAN. “I’m feeling just fine.”
SAM. “I’m…glad…to hear it.”
JEFF. That was great Joan. A little more pain next time Sam. I need to see where the physical pain
ends and psychological pain begins. Make a strong decision. Now I think it’s important that we show
that these characters are a foil for each other, but through similarity. I want to do this vocally. Is there
a way you two could match the tone of your voices?
(SAM and JOAN talk trying to match their voices:)
JOAN. I talk like this.
SAM. I talk like this.
JOAN. I talk like this.
SAM. I talk like this.
JEFF. It’s a little higher Sam.
SAM. I talk like this.
JEFF. No, higher.
SAM. I talk like this.
JOAN. I talk like this.
SAM. I talk like this.
(Through these repetitions JOAN remains exactly her same cheery self with a high voice while
SAM is forced to talk in a high falsetto.)
JEFF. That’s good Joan. It’s a little higher Sam. And with the lines?
(They try their lines with the voices.)
SAM. “How are you?”
JOAN. “I’m feeling just fine.”
SAM. “I’m glad to hear it.”
JEFF. A little higher Sam, and don’t forget the pain. Great adjustment Joan. In terms of blocking I
picture Joan center stage…right where you are. And Sam, I think you’re the active agent in the scene,
so you should be moving across the stage with the lines.
SAM. Across the stage.
JEFF. Yeah, let’s try that. And “Go!”
(They run the scene again with JOAN center stage, still exactly same as she began, and SAM with
a very high falsetto and writhing across the stage in pain.)
SAM. “How…are…you?”
JOAN. “I’m feeling just fine.”
SAM. “I’m…glad…to hear it.”
JEFF. Great Joan. Sam, I’m really not buying the pain. I need to see where it is specifically. Perhaps
move it around your body, but specifically. And make a full entrance and exit all the way off stage.
And in terms of lighting… (Calling up to the booth:) could I get a spotlight for Joan center?
 (The other lights lower and a spotlight rises on JOAN.)
And for Sam…oh, I think he’s just fine. (SAM basically remains in the shadows.)
JEFF. And everyone ready? “Go!”
SAM. (Writhing in pain, trying to indicate it moving around his body, while running across the stage:)
“How…are…yoooouuu?”
JOAN. (Standing there and being exactly the same:) “I’m doing just fine.”
SAM. (Running off, writhing:) “I’m glad to hear it!”
GREG. Okay, first, that was tremendous Joan. And Sam…well… (Shaking his head:) you’re just
doing the best you can. So let’s do it one more time. Sam remember not to drop the voice, much more
pain, be specific, and you should add the giddy laughter.
SAM. The giddy laughter?
JEFF. Right. Everyone ready? And “Go!”
(SAM runs across the stage in tremendous pain, screeching his lines, and periodically laughing
giddily while JOAN remains exactly the same, cheerily saying her lines in a center stage
spotlight.)
SAM. “How are yooouuu?”
JOAN. “I’m feeling just fine.”
SAM. “I’m glad to hear it!”
(JEFF comes up to JOAN and shakes her hand.)
JEFF. That was just brilliant! Thank you. Curtain!

Note:
The director should mix up his directives for the actor night to night to always give him a new
impossible challenge that he isn’t expecting, ie. instead of laughing giddily, directives like “you’re
being chased by a tiger” or “make it really sexy,” etc…
 STORY PROBLEMS T HAT STILL H AUNT ME
Cast of Characters
VOICEOVER
JEFF
JOAN

(The following three story problems are spoken on voiceover by one of the ensemble members.
Each story problem has a simple, non-verbal staging to accompany it while the lights rise and fall
in one continual motion.)
(During the following, lights rise to show JEFF and JOAN very slowly walking towards each
other, but then passing each other, and walking off stage.)
VOICEOVER. Problem 1: If it takes you two seconds to make six inches of steel, and it takes three
minutes to burnish that steel until it’s nice and shiny, and you ask a new person each month to burnish
that steel from the age of thirteen to eighteen, how many burnishers will have rejected the job over the
course of 5.6 years?
(During the following, the lights rise to show JEFF and JOAN moving about the stage, from one
spot to the next, at different paces. They never arrive at the same spot at the same time.)
Problem 2: If there are ten livable cities in the country and your girlfriend moves from one city to the
next every 1.2 years while you move from one city to the next every .7 years, how long will it be
before you live in the same city long enough to break up?
(During the following, lights rise to show JEFF and JOAN slowly moving towards each other,
pausing, and then moving back apart.)
Problem 3: After many years of gently tending his fields and taking delicate care of his crops, a
farmer has produced two beautiful sacks of grain that he wishes to transport safely across a bridge.
His wife, after working hard for many years in the city and earning many times what the farmer does,
also feels that she has a right to the sacks of grain and wants to take them across the bridge by herself.
The bridge, however, can only carry the weight of one person before it crumbles and plunges into the
canyon below. If the woman hires the most expensive, vicious, and unethical divorce lawyer in the
city, can she successfully take the two sacks of grain across the bridge and plunge her ex-husband into
the bottomless pit of despair? EXTRA CREDIT: Will the sacks of grain ever feel safe again?
Curtain
 A PAIR OF SOCKS
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM

(JEFF goes up to someone in the front row of the audience and attacks them in fury.)
JEFF. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE ANY SOCKS? HOW CAN THAT
POSSIBLY BE TRUE? YOU LITERALLY DO NOT HAVE A SINGLE OTHER PAIR OF SOCKS
BESIDES THE ONES CURRENTLY ON YOUR FEET!?? ANOTHER PAIR OF YOUR SOCKS
LITERALLY DOES NOT EXIST!? IF I WERE TO GO TO YOUR HOME AND LOOK IN YOUR
SOCK DRAWER AND IN YOUR LAUNDRY BASKET AND IN YOUR WASHER AND IN YOUR
DRYER AND ON THE TABLE NEXT TO YOUR WASHER AND DRYER I WOULD FIND
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE CALLED A
PAIR OF YOUR SOCKS! YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT I SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT THE
PAIR OF SOCKS THAT YOU ARE CURRENTLY WEARING ON YOUR FEET IS THE ONE AND
ONLY PAIR OF SOCKS THAT YOU, AS A HUMAN BEING, CAN CALL YOUR OWN?!!
(The audience member has a moment to respond but JEFF thunders on.)
THEN HERE! (Tearing off his shoes and socks:) HERE! TAKE MINE! TAKE MY PAIR OF SOCKS!
TAKE MY PAIR OF SOCKS RIGHT OFF MY FEET RIGHT NOW! I WILL HAPPILY GIVE YOU
THE ONE AND ONLY PAIR OF SOCKS THAT I HAVE HERE AT THE THEATER JUST SO THAT I
CAN BE SURE THAT YOU NOW HAVE ANOTHER PAIR OF SOCKS! I WILL WALK AROUND
COMPLETELY BAREFOOT FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW SO THAT I KNOW THAT THERE
EXISTS SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD ONE OTHER PAIR OF SOCKS THAT YOU CAN CALL
YOUR OWN!
(SAM calmly walks out on stage to where JEFF is standing.)
SAM. Jeff, you’re not really talking about a pair of socks are you?
JEFF. No.
SAM. Are you talking about something else?
JEFF. Yeah.
SAM. Do you want to really talk about it?
JEFF. No. I’m fine.
(JEFF walks off stage. SAM turns to the recipient of JEFF’s socks and says:)
SAM. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE ANY UNDERWEAR!!!!
Curtain
 LIP READERS
Cast of Characters
SAM
JEFF
JOAN

(Before the show begins, three audience members are enlisted to participate. They are each
handed a card with a prepared question on it and told to stand and read the question when they
are referred to by name during the show. Their names and occupations are written down and given
to SAM for the play. At the “Go,” JEFF and JOAN stand behind podiums. SAM addresses the
audience.)
SAM. Hello, I’m Sam and I am your moderator this evening for the first in a series of debates
between these two candidates who seem to be running for…some high political office of some sort.
We’ll open with a question from (Audience Member One’s name) who is a (Audience Member One’s
occupation).
AUDIENCE MEMBER ONE. I would like to know where each of the candidates stands on the
abortion issue and how you personally and politically justify your position.
SAM. Jeff will respond first.
JEFF. Well despite what my opponent may think, I am now and have always been a strong advocate of
a woman’s right to choose. In my mind it ultimately comes down to the question of who has the right
to make this sort of decision. I believe it is the personal choice of the individual and not one that can
be made by the government. Thank you.
SAM. And now Joan.
JOAN. Well first I would like to remind my opponent that just because I am a woman, it does not in
any way mean that I would assume all men to be against a woman’s right to choose. This, I think, is
quite a sexist assumption and might lead one to question why he supposedly upholds these sentiments
in the first place. But to answer the question, I am pro-choice right down the line.
SAM. All right. Now we’ll have a question from (Audience Member Two’s name) who is a (Audience
Member Two’s occupation).
AUDIENCE MEMBER TWO. The national deficit is now completely out of control and in the
thousands of trillions of dollars. Is your solution to cut spending, raise taxes for everyone, or a
combination of the two?
SAM. Jeff?
JEFF. Well first I would like to respond to my opponent’s empty charges of sexism. This is exactly
the kind of low, petty, immoral attack she has used throughout her career in order to avoid important
issues. This is not a question of who is the male candidate and who is the female candidate. It is a
question of who is honest and trustworthy, and who is the scurvy little backbiting snake. Thank you.
SAM. Joan, your response?
JOAN. First, might I point out that my opponent did not even address the question but has once again
turned a dignified intellectual debate into a forum for his own adolescent mudslinging, full of lies and
slander. But then, what do you expect from someone who fondles young boys for money. In response
to your question: Yes.
SAM. Okay! Next we have a question from (Audience Member Three’s name) who is a (Audience
Member Three’s occupation).
AUDIENCE MEMBER THREE. What do you think is America’s responsibility to maintain peace
throughout the world? Do you think we should step in with military force any time we feel, or do you
think we should only take action when supported by our allies and the United Nations?
SAM. Jeff, would you like to address this extremely important, pertinent question?
JEFF. First I would like to remind my opponent that if both of her legs were chopped off at the waist
she would leave a little trail of slime behind her on the ground like a snail. Thank you.
SAM. Joan?
JOAN. Does the word “dickless” mean anything to you?
SAM. Well! I think that concludes the first section of our debate. On to the second round. Best three
out of five falls.
(JEFF and JOAN get down on their knees in wrestling position and SAM blows a whistle. They
viciously wrestle for a bit until someone is pinned or calls the…)
Curtain

Note:
If the topics of these questions are ever outdated more topical ones can be put in their place. Also, in
performance, you might want to use the exact amount of the national debt at the time of performance.
 W AR GAMES
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX

(The ensemble stands on stage with the front pages of various newspapers opened to hide their
faces. For each person’s line they lower the paper and address the audience. They raise it again
after their line.)
ONE. I was reading the paper, and I forgot about the war.
TWO. I was watching the news, and I forgot about the war.
THREE. I was eating dinner, and I forgot about the war.
FOUR. I was making love, and I forgot about the war.
FIVE. I was watching a play, and I forgot about the war.
SIX. I was thinking about the war…and then I forgot about the war.
Curtain
 A MINUTE OF H OPE
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
MARIA
LYNN
SAM
HAROLD

(JOAN sits on stage speaking into a telephone receiver.)

JOAN. Thank you. Goodbye. (She “hangs up.”) Hi, I’m Joan, a simulated receptionist down here at
Backpat Industries. Stay tuned for an important offer that could make your life a whole lot easier. (She
turns back upstage and “answers” another “call.”)
JEFF. (Entering, and addressing the audience with compassion:) Hunger. Poverty. Homelessness.
War. These are just a few of the ever-growing, ever-troublesome concerns that threaten to upset our
daily lives. But what can you, just one individual, do to help yourself overcome the plague that is
sweeping across America known as “Nagging Liberal Guilt.” This once every commercial break
offer finally gives you the opportunity to put those hard-earned dollars to good use, alleviating your
conscience forever for when you walk by the outstretched hand of foul-smelling degenerate lunatics.
Here’s well-paid singer Britney Spears to tell you more.
(MARIA walks on with LYNN who has a cup full of water and a spoon with which she creates
constant tears by spooning water into MARIA’s eyes.)
MARIA. (Frantic:) I was so confused and upset I didn’t know what to do. I heard about all these
people in Australia starving to death with no food and no water and I saw pictures of little tiny girls
and babies with their open mouths crying out for anything they could possibly even get the slightest
amount of malnourishment from—
JEFF. That’s Ethiopia, Brit.
MARIA. Oh what’s the difference!? They were starving and I was so upset I couldn’t sing and I was
losing hundreds of thousands of dollars and I was so upset I didn’t know what to do I didn’t know
what to do I didn’t know what to— (LYNN slaps her and she suddenly calms down.) Thanks Mom.
And then I found Guilt Away, and made this commercial.
(MARIA and LYNN exit as SAM enters from the wings.)
SAM. Thanks Brit. Yes, here at Guilt Away we take care of every liberal social concern you could
possibly think of. In addition to world hunger, poverty, homelessness, and other biggies, we cover
gun control, global warming, and AIDS. We’ve got whales, animal rights, and rain forests for the
environmentalists, abortion and equal pay for the ladies, and gay marriage for the ho-mo-sexuals.
Hell, we even give a few bucks to Jerry’s Kids. And what would you expect to pay for this amazing
offer? One hundred dollars? One hundred and fifty dollars? Two hundred dollars?! No, a hundred
and fifty dollars is all it takes to get these monkeys permanently off your back.
HAROLD. (Emerging from upstage and charging down towards the audience aggressively:) But wait,
there’s more! You’ve heard about all the hubbub in Asia—those crazy commies duking for
democracy? Well if you act now you’ll receive one genuine-imitation blood-spattered t-shirt right off
the back of some poor fool who actually stood up and fought for his human rights. Yes, what a
conversation piece! You’re thinking “For just a hundred and fifty bucks I get all this?” YES! And
that’s not all! If you call now before I stop speaking you will receive one pathetic photograph of an
actual underprivileged third-world child knocking at death’s door. It’s ripe for framing and laminated
with tear-resistant gloss. “How can they do it?” you say? Fuck if I know, I’m just a salesman.
JEFF. (Sensitively:) Think…of the children, the whales, that homeless lady you accidentally tripped
on the way to work today. Feel bad? Help yourself. Open your heart. Open your wallet.
JOAN. Hi, I’m Joan, a simulated receptionist down here at Backpat Industries. If you’d like to take
advantage of the important offer Ms. Spears tried to speak of, simply call 878-4557 and some
underpaid illegal alien will be here to answer your call. Call now and receive this special membership
button “I Gave, So Fuck Off!” I’m waiting for my residuals. Please call now.
Curtain
 READ ME LIKE A BOOK
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM

(JEFF stands on stage addressing the audience.)

JEFF. When I was little, the number one thing I couldn’t wait to do until I grew up was read. I wanted
to read so badly. I would be sitting at the breakfast… (He gets distracted by an audience member, then
goes on:) …table and my parents would both be reading the newspaper and my brother would be…
(Stares at the guy again, and then calls them out:) You want to cut that out? …My brother would be…
(Back to audience member:) That’s really incredibly rude. Would you like to stop that?… Don’t look
at me like that. (Back to monologue:) …um…my brother would…would be… (To a different audience
member:) I’m sorry, where was I? (Audience member responds.) Yeah, right. Thanks. I was (Whatever
the audience member said). (Back at the original “offending” audience member:) Look, I thought I
told you before. Sam! Sam!?
SAM. (Emerging from the wings:) Yeah, what is it Jeff?
JEFF. This guy is being a total asshole. Would you just stand there and make sure he cuts it out?
SAM. Sure.
(SAM stands next to the “offending” audience member.)
JEFF. So… (Referring to second “helpful” audience member:) I was (Whatever they said), and…
um…I was what? What do you mean? (Second “helpful” audience member responds.) I was? When
was I—Sam! Would you take care of that guy?
SAM. Jeff, I’m standing right next to him. He’s not doing anything.
JEFF. (Pointing to the person next to the original audience “offender”:) He’s not? Look at him!
SAM. Oh, sorry. I thought you meant him.
JEFF. No no, him! Him! (Pointing to person next to the “offender”:) Just take care of it!
SAM. (To new person:) Now cut it out!
JEFF. (Going back to a woman near the “helpful” audience member.) So what were we talking about?
(He starts another conversation with them but then suddenly interrupts:) Sam!!!
SAM. Sorry. (SAM moves one person down the row, points at them and says:) Now cut it out!
JEFF. (Going back to the woman in the audience:) I’m sorry darling, what were you saying?
(Strauss’ waltz “The Blue Danube” slowly starts playing and fills the room. JEFF continues a
conversation with the new woman, flirting outrageously. The rest of the performing ensemble
comes out from the wings and starts waltzing all over the stage as the music builds. Periodically
SAM shouts “Sorry!,” moves one person down his row, points at them, and shouts “Now cut it
out!” JEFF finally asks the woman he is flirting with to dance with him, pulls her onto the stage,
and begins to waltz around the stage in the midst of the rest of the ensemble as the music
dominates the room and SAM periodically shouts “Sorry! Now cut it out!” Lights and dancers
swirl around the space until suddenly JEFF stops everything.)
JEFF. Hey everybody! She said YES!
(The music shifts to the blaring peal of wedding bells and the ensemble cheers and surrounds the
“happy couple,” congratulating them both with hugs and kisses and throwing confetti.)
Curtain
 T HREE GUYS AND A DOLL
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
MARIA
HAROLD
JOAN

(JOAN presents a small rag doll to the audience.)

JOAN. This is an inanimate object. Its eyes cannot see, its stuffing cannot feel, and its joints move in
both directions.
(JOAN walks off stage and hands the doll to MARIA who cradles the doll in her arms and walks
on cooing and cuddling and talking to it like a baby. She can even give it a name if she wishes. She
places the doll in a basket on a table and tucks him in, all the while telling him to be a good boy
and go to sleep. She tells him to stay there while she goes into the next room, and exits.
JEFF, SAM, and HAROLD enter from the opposite side throwing a softball to each other and
making a lot of noise. After a few tosses the ball “accidentally” slams into the basket and knocks
it and the doll onto the floor. They suddenly stop making noise and, ashamedly, go to see what they
have done. SAM goes to pick the doll up off of the floor but accidentally kicks it across the stage.
He is chagrined. JEFF goes to pick up the doll but inadvertently steps on it as he does so. He tries
to ease the injury by cuddling the doll but slowly starts swinging the doll around by one arm
declaring “Doppler Effect!” and makes the sound of a child crying in the Doppler Effect. He
flings the doll to HAROLD who tells SAM to go out for a pass. He throws it successfully to SAM
who spikes the doll like a football and shouts “Touchdown!” SAM then declares “All-Star
Wrestling!” and does a body slam onto the doll. HAROLD follows suit and does the same. He then
throws the doll to JEFF who shouts “Baseball!” and pitches the doll to HAROLD who hits the
doll with a bat and quickly circles the bases as the others “field” the doll and throw it home where
HAROLD slides into it. SAM declares the doll “Safe!” SAM grabs the doll and repeatedly slams
its head in a door and then fling it behind the door. The three guys leave the stage laughing and
whooping it up.
MARIA re-enters and finds that the doll is not in his basket. She finds him behind the door and
scolds him for being naughty and not staying in bed. She places him back in his basket and says
“Now I told you to stay here and I meant it.” and exits.
JOAN re-enters, picks up the doll, and presents it to the audience.)
JOAN. This is an inanimate object. Its eyes cannot see, its stuffing cannot feel, and its joints move in
both directions.
Curtain
 PART OF THE PROBLEM
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE

(ONE stands center stage and describes and demonstrates the play to the audience.)
ONE. In the first part there’s this kind of ambient noise of one of your mother ’s cashmere sweaters
having been caught out in a rainstorm and now hanging, drying out over a number of empty pot-pie
tins. So there’s this kind of inconsistent “tink…tink…tink, tink…tink…tink.”
The second part goes like this:
(TWO and THREE emerge from the wings.)
TWO. What?
THREE. Why?
TWO. What?
THREE. Why?
TWO. What?
THREE. Why?
TWO. What?
THREE. Why?
TWO. What?
THREE. Why?
TWO. What?
THREE. Why?
TWO. What?
THREE. Why what?
(Pause.)
ONE. In the third part people are just running around, running around and screaming, like this:
(FOUR runs across the stage, then FIVE screams.)
But at the same time.
The fourth part is completely empty.
(Silence.)
And it goes on for a really long time.
(Chuckling to himself:) The fifth part…is really funny. Not like people telling jokes, but like a lot of
word play—people using a word, like the word “the” a lot, but in a comic way.
In the sixth part, being the halfway point, a person—not this person (Indicating an audience member)
but someone whom they closely resemble—gets up and goes out… (He encourages them to do this)
…and then comes back more satisfied than when they left. (He encourages them to sit back into their
seat.)
The seventh part looks like this. (ONE holds a baseball glove open towards the audience for all to
see.)
There is no eighth part, but the ninth part uses some of the images that you’ve experienced before, but
in a much more confined, constricted environment that is both telling, and yet oppressive
simultaneously. Like a small funnel cloud in a Mason jar. Or a bad reproduction of “Guernica” on
your fingernail. In this part there is also a pillow fight.
The tenth part is completely confusing—like either you don’t understand why it’s there or what it has
to do with the whole thing, or it just goes over your head altogether—you think maybe because you
didn’t take those classes in school. But one way or another you basically sleep through the tenth part
or get incredibly frustrated.
The eleventh part, on the other hand, is completely clear, perhaps too clear. People talk like this:
(TWO and THREE emerge again from the wings.)
TWO. It’s about my mother.
THREE. Your mother?
TWO. Yes. She died recently.
THREE. God, I’m sorry to hear that.
ONE. It’s so clear, in fact, that you wonder if it’s a metaphor for something else—like they’re
speaking in code.
(Overwhelmed:) The twelfth part, the last part, is this incredible emotional climax where you suddenly
realize what it is and it hits you completely unexpectedly and you ask yourself “How…how could this
be? How could this really come about?” And it sticks with you ’til you go to sleep that night, and stays
there the rest of the week.
Curtain
 LAWSUIT
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER 1
PERFORMER 2

(Two people stand on either side of the stage holding really sharp dangerous-looking scissors.
They snip them repeatedly. Suddenly, the lights black out and they both run frantically around the
stage, snipping the air loudly, perilously close to each other and the audience. After two and a
half revolutions, they run off and the curtain is called or when someone is horribly injured).
 UNCLE VODKA
Cast of Characters
VANYA
SONIA
YELIENA
ASTROV
NANNY

(The famous roles are played very casually, without costume or much acting by ensemble
members. VANYA sits in a chair with a glass and a vodka bottle full of water. SONIA sits at his
feet next to him. On the other side of the stage sits ASTROV with his own bottle and glass. Next
to him stands NANNY. VANYA fills a glass and chugs it down. No drunkenness is ever indicated
in the play.)
VANYA. Life sucks.
SONIA. Oh don’t say that Uncle. So much of life lies ahead of you, Ivan Petrovich Vionitsky.
VANYA. Call me “Vodka.”
(He fills up another glass and chugs it down.)
SONIA. I know that right now life is a long, long succession of tormented days and tedious nights,
but one day, one day Uncle, God will take pity on us and send us a new life that is bright and beautiful
and lovely.
VANYA. You’ll always be plain. Fuck off. (He drinks another.)
ASTROV. I lost a patient today. He died under the anesthesia. I’m so tired. I wonder if I meant to kill
him? (He pours a glass from his own vodka bottle and chugs it down. He looks at NANNY.) God
you’re old.
NANNY. Would you like something to eat?
ASTROV. Do you think they’ll remember us a hundred years from now, Nanny, and speak well of us?
Do you think they will?
NANNY. Would you like something to eat?
ASTROV. Yeah. I didn’t think so.
(He fills his glass again and guzzles it down. An ensemble member portraying YELIENA makes a
sudden dramatic upstage entrance.)
YELIENA. I am a very beautiful woman.
VANYA. (Of YELIENA:) I love her.
SONIA. (Of ASTROV:) I love him.
YELIENA. (Of ASTROV:) He’s kind of cute.
ASTROV. I’m kind of confused.
(VANYA and ASTROV both fill glasses and drink them down simultaneously.)
NANNY. Would anyone like something to eat?
 (VANYA, ASTROV, and NANNY exit.)
SONIA. You married my father so I hate you.
YELIENA. Let’s make up.
SONIA. (Suddenly cheery:) Okay!
YELIENA. We’ll drink to our friendship!
SONIA. From the same glass!
(They pour a glass and guzzle it together. The following lines are played with alternating elation
and depression by each of the women.)
SONIA. (Up:) Are you happy?
YELIENA. (Down:) No.
SONIA. (Down:) Me neither. (Up:) Do you like the doctor?
YELIENA. (Up:) Very much!
SONIA. (Up:) I love him!
YELIENA. (Down:) Oh. There’s no happiness for me on this earth. (Up:) I feel like playing
something!
SONIA. (Up:) Oh do!
YELIENA. (Down:) There’s no piano.
SONIA. (Down:) You can’t. (Up:) Do you think the doctor likes me?
YELIENA. You have…beautiful hair.
SONIA. (Down:) He doesn’t know I exist.
YELIENA. I’ll ask him.
SONIA. But what if he hates me?
YELIENA. Then he should leave.
SONIA. (Down:) How sad. (Up:) But at least I’ll know!
YELIENA. Trust me.
SONIA. I will.
(SONIA exits. ASTROV enters.)
YELIENA. Do you like Sonia?
ASTROV. No. I love you.
(They embrace. SONIA and VANYA enter with a new large vodka bottle filled with water. They
both see ASTROV and YELIENA embracing.)
VANYA & SONIA. (Hanging their heads:) Fuck.
(NANNY enters and stands by the door.)
YELIENA. (Seeing SONIA:) I must go now. (She pours herself a full glass, drains it, and exits.)
NANNY. She’s gone.
ASTROV. I, too, must go. (He fills a glass, drains it, and exits.)
NANNY. He’s gone.
(VANYA and SONIA sit in the chairs.)
NANNY. (To VANYA:) Why do you always wear black?
(VANYA just glares at her.)
NANNY. I’m gone. (She fills a glass, drains it, and exits.)
VANYA. (Pouring out a handful of pills from a pill bottle:) I guess I’ll kill myself now.
SONIA. No Uncle, you mustn’t. We must go on living. We shall patiently suffer the trials which Fate
imposes on us; we shall work for others, now and in our old age. We will work hard with the hope
that one day we shall know a life that is bright and beautiful and lovely. Put the pills away. We must go
on.
VANYA. But how?
SONIA. We shall drink, Uncle Vodka, we shall drink.
(VANYA puts the pills back while SONIA pours herself a glass from the vodka bottle. They drink
simultaneously, she from the glass and he straight from the bottle. The curtain is called when
VANYA empties the entire bottle.)
Curtain
 GENRE PLAY #6: H ORROR
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
JOAN

(There is a blackout before the “Go” is called. The lights flicker and then come up to show JEFF
and SAM standing on stage. They look at each other in repressed horror and shock. Their lines
are delivered very hesitantly.)
JEFF. Hey…Sam.
SAM. …Jeff.
JEFF. What…what’re…what’re you doing here?
SAM. I…had to come… It was in…the stage directions.
(The lights suddenly black out and a huge thud is heard on stage. JEFF and SAM both scream.
Lights up. JOAN is now on stage.)
JOAN. Holy Christ… Where am I?
JEFF. Joan…you’re… (Whispering:) on stage.
JOAN. (Throwing her head back and building to a blood-curdling scream:)
NooooooOOOOOOOOO!!
(Blackout. A mysterious sucking sound is heard over the sound system. Lights up. JOAN is
discovered face down on the floor not moving. JEFF and SAM look at each other panic-stricken.
The lights begin to flicker and a cacophonous sound is blasted on the sound system. JEFF and
SAM suddenly, simultaneously, begin to shake violently.)
(Blackout. The sound stops and lights come up. An AUDIENCE MEMBER is suddenly discovered
on stage. JEFF and SAM look at the AUDIENCE MEMBER in even greater horror.)
SAM. Who…are…you?
(AUDIENCE MEMBER responds, or not. JEFF tries to respond but suddenly finds he cannot. He
grasps at his throat and collapses to the floor. The rest of the ensemble stiffly emerges from the
wings to face forward stoically. They all slowly begin to smile and it slowly turns into a huge
demented frozen grin. SAM suddenly turns to the audience and does a silent scream. Blackout.)
Curtain
 12 PHOTOGRAPHS OF
EADWEARD MUYBRIDGE IN MOTION
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
MUYBRIDGE
LARKYNS

(The following text is delivered on voiceover by three ensemble members. Each line is
accompanied by a frozen tableau on stage created by two men representing MUYBRIDGE and
LARKYNS. MUYBRIDGE has a gun in his right hand. No attempt is made at fluidity between the
still images—the tableaus are set and then each line of text is spoken before moving on to the next,
like a series of Muybridge photographs.)
(MUYBRIDGE is mid-step while LARKYNS sits looking at the floor.)
ONE. 1. Edward Muggeridge changed his name to Edward Muygridge and finally to Eadweard
Muybridge after the King in 1870.
(MUYBRIDGE is a step closer while LARKYNS begins to look up.)
TWO. 2. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge set up 12 cameras 21 inches apart over 20 feet of
dirt and proved a galloping horse does indeed leave the ground.
(MUYBRIDGE is a step closer while LARKYNS raises his head more.)
THREE. 3. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge married Flora Stone, a beautiful woman half his
age.
(MUYBRIDGE is a step closer while LARKYNS begins to see him.)
ONE. 4. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge was in a stagecoach accident and suffered brain
damage.
(MUYBRIDGE begins to set his feet while LARKYNS sees him.)
TWO. 5. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge discovered his wife had taken a lover, Major Harry
Larkyns.
(MUYBRIDGE has both feet planted while LARKYNS faces him full on.)
THREE. 6. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge greeted Major Larkyns with the words:
MUYBRIDGE. “Good evening, Major. My name is Muybridge and here is the answer to the letter
you sent my wife”.
(MUYBRIDGE points a gun at LARKYNS who looks in shock.)
ONE. 7. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge shot the Major dead.
(MUYBRIDGE is frozen as if beginning to run while LARKYNS clutches his chest, beginning to
fall backwards.)
TWO. 8. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge pled temporary insanity because the stagecoach
accident had dramatically changed his personality from genial and pleasant to unstable and erratic.
 (MUYBRIDGE is frozen on the other leg as if running while LARKYNS’S chair is falling
backwards.)
THREE. 9. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge was found innocent.
(MUYBRIDGE is frozen on the other leg while LARKYNS is tipping over and he begins to hit the
floor.)
ONE. 10. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge had a son Florado Helios Muybridge (known as
Floddie) whom he sent to an orphanage because he thought it was the Major ’s offspring.
(MUYBRIDGE has taken another running step towards the wings while LARKYNS has hit the
floor.)
TWO. 11. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge died and was buried in Woking, England—a word
which means when you go to the kitchen but forget why, and a place which happens to be where the
Martians first landed in War of the Worlds.
(MUYBRIDGE has taken another running step towards the wings while LARKYNS lies “dead”
on the floor.)
THREE. 12. A little while later, Floddie Muybridge died in a car accident.
Curtain
 T HE T RICYCLE OF LIFE
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER

(A PERFORMER stands on stage cradling a small mirror in his hands and looks into it.)
PERFORMER. He’s so small.
That’s the first thing that strikes you—he’s so incredibly small.
I mean I’ve heard from other people that one day there will just suddenly be this little being in my
life, vaguely resembling me and holding my entire genetic code—or half of it anyway—lying there
propped up in a little bed and completely dependent on me, but I never knew it would be like this.
Those big blue eyes staring back at me.
The wide gaping mouth unable to form words but speaking volumes.
The hair—what little there is, is all over the place.
And the oddly big wrinkly hands just kind of aimlessly pawing the air.
I look at him and I think “Dad, I don’t want to die like this.”
Curtain
 DA VINCI DECISION
Cast of Characters
VOICEOVER

(This text may be staged any way you wish. The original was staged thusly:
Blackout. With the “Go” a laser light slowly moves across from stage right to left while the
following text is spoken on voiceover. The laser light moves until it encounters a performer’s nude
body center stage, standing as Da Vinci’s famous drawing of man with spread arms and legs. The
light traces the outline of their body—up the arms and around the fingers, shoulders, neck, head,
etc.—and then finally moves—on stage left to continue its original path.)
VOICEOVER. (Slowly consistent:) You walk along as you normally do, putting one foot in front of
the other.
A certain pattern emerges.
And you settle into it.
Left, right.
Left, right,
Left—
(Quickly:) And then suddenly everything changes as you are presented with a roadblock, a pot hole, a
racetrack, a bridge. And you are faced with the dilemma of making a choice, a choice you had never
anticipated, a choice you hadn’t imagined ever coming to you. You of all people! Why YOU??? But
you have to do something, something utterly new as your pattern no longer works for it has been
dashed to the ground and shattered into a million tiny little pieces. Perhaps you think it’s a “no-win
situation” and you have to choose the lesser of two evils. Perhaps you view it as a “no brainer” and
you think you can smoothly move on. Perhaps it’s an utter catastrophe and you see yourself
completely devastated for time immemorial. But you have to do something. You can’t go back. You
have to move on. You must run or pounce or dance or retreat or stab or hop or protect or…
And finally you do…
One of those things.
And deal with the consequences.
And, sooner or later, you do move on.
And you go back to the pattern.
But somehow changed.
Right, left.
Right, left.
Right—
And you are glad.
Curtain
 FLAMMABLE PANTS
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER

(A PERFORMER addresses the audience with a clipboard.)

PERFORMER. For this play, you are to indicate that the statement I read is true for you by raising
your hand over your head. For instance, if I were to say, “My name is Michael,” you would respond…
(Guys named Michael hopefully raise their hands.)
Very good. But if I were then to say “I have a name,” you would respond…
(Presumably everyone raises their hand.)
Excellent. It’s incredibly important that you respond honestly if this play is to work. Here we go:
(After the first statement the lights begin to dim and before the fourth statement the lights have
gone out completely all extraneous light has been blacked out so that you can’t see your hand in
front of your face.)
Statement Number One: I believe people should be honest.
Number Two: I value the honesty of my friends.
Three: I think of myself as an honest person.
Four: I pick my nose.
Five: I am a masturbator.
Six: I have cheated while in a monogamous relationship.
Seven: I have had a sexually transmitted disease.
Eight: I have had a homosexual experience.
I have shoplifted as an adult.
I have made racist remarks.
I have had an abortion.
I take anti-depressants.
I have tried to commit suicide.
I regret raising my hand at the beginning of this play.
I did not raise my hand when I should have earlier in this play.
I think of myself as an honest person.
(The lights come up immediately after this last statement to show people’s hands still in the air.)
Thank you for your honesty.
Curtain
 REGRETS
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN

(Sufjan Stevens’ song “To Be Alone With You” from the “Seven Swans” album plays. JEFF is
sitting sadly on the lip, looking off stage left.)
JEFF. Jeff stands on stage and calls for Joan.
JOAN. (Walking on from stage left and sitting next to JEFF:) Joan runs out to him and hugs him.
JEFF. (Looking at JOAN who shakes her head:) They hold hands and walk up and sit together.
JOAN. (JEFF looks down:) They listen to a favorite song.
JEFF. (JOAN rubs JEFF’s shoulder:) They look into each other ’s eyes.
JOAN. (JOAN looks up:) Joan shakes her head.
JEFF. (JOAN shakes her head:) Jeff looks down.
JOAN. (Looking into each other’s eyes:) Joan rubs Jeff’s shoulder.
(The music cuts out.)
JEFF. He looks at her again.
JOAN. (They stand up, holding hands, and walk center stage:) She shakes her head again.
JEFF. (They hug:) She stands up and walks off stage.
JOAN. (Running off stage right from him:) Jeff sits sadly.
JEFF. (Standing center, he calls off stage right:) “Joan!”
Curtain

Note:
If it’s not clear from the stage directions, the text of this play is a description of the action of the play
in reverse, ie. the first line of the play describes the opposite of the last action of the play, the second
action the penultimate line, etc.. Although very difficult to conceive at first, the performance is very
satisfying once you get it down.
 T HE LIFE AND T IMES OF
N OAH JACOB CONSIDER W HITELEY-A LLEN
AS W RITTEN BY H IS FATHER AND DIRECTED BY ROBERT W ILSON

Cast of Characters
MAN
WOMAN

(Blackout.
Phillip Glass music from “Satyagraha” fades in.
Lights rise to show a MAN wrapped in a blanket and sitting stage right with his eyes closed.
Pause.
He startles once and then returns to stillness.
Pause.
He startles again, returns to his pose, opens his eyes slowly and blinks a bit.
He looks to the left, then to the right, then straight ahead, then opens his mouth as wide as
possible in a silent scream.
After five seconds a WOMAN enters stage left with a tall glass of milk in her hand.
She very, very slowly crosses the stage to the MAN, one foot in front of the other.
When she finally reaches him, he stops his scream and closes his mouth. Simultaneously the music
stops.
He looks at her. He looks at the milk.
He takes the milk in his right hand, and places his left hand on her right breast. He then slowly
drinks the entire glass of milk.
When he finishes the milk he lowers the glass, removes his hand from her breast, and hands the
glass back to the WOMAN.
She takes it in her right hand.
Pause.
She quickly places the empty glass over her right breast and the music resumes.
She turns and slowly exits the stage left very very slowly as she entered.
As she exits the MAN puts his blanket back around his shoulders and slowly closes his eyes.
Lights slowly fade as the woman exits the stage.
Music fades.)
Curtain
 ZENITH
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX

(One performer after another enters to deliver their lines. Everyone addresses the audience very
enthusiastically.)
ONE. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the play you’ve been waiting for. This is the play you were hoping
to see the moment you decided to attend this show this evening.
TWO. This play contains the culmination of every penny you paid to get in and every second you
spent getting here. This is the one play that has the capacity to change your life.
THREE. After this play nothing will ever seem the same. You will be able to walk around knowing
that you are a more complete person because you have seen this play. This play will make you feel
good inside for the rest of the week.
FOUR. Food will always taste better after this play. You will feel great about your body after this play.
The clothes you are wearing while seeing this play will always receive compliments after this play.
FIVE. After this play everyone will love you, even people who think you are an asshole…even if you
are an asshole!
SIX. You will get what you can’t have after this play. You will get what you can’t have and still feel
like you want it after this play.
ONE. This play will alter your consciousness forever about what a play is. You will always have a
sense of superiority over others because you have seen this play. For the rest of your life you will be
able to make subtle witty allusions to this play that everyone will laugh at but no one will understand!
TWO. Books will be written about this play, and about the people who have seen this play, and you
will be in those books because you are one of those people!
THREE. This play is great! This play is wonderful! This play is the best play that has ever been
written! Say it with me, “THIS IS THE BEST PLAY THAT HAS EVER BEEN WRITTEN!”
FOUR. When you leave the theater tonight you will tell us how much you enjoyed this play, how this
was your favorite play, and how much you admire and respect us for having done it.
FIVE. This play will last you a lifetime.
SIX. You will live longer because you will have seen this play.
ONE. You will die thinking of this play.
TWO. You will never see this play again.
THREE. This play will never be performed again.
FOUR. This play will never end.
FIVE. This play is over.
SIX. This play is dead.
ALL. Long live this play!
Curtain
 T HESE T HINGS A RE T RUE
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE

(The ensemble lines up on stage in the dark. Each performer has a flashlight that they use to light
their own face when they are speaking.)
ALL. These things are true.
ONE. I killed fourteen rats by slamming them onto rocks in tube socks and then wringing their necks
with my fingers.
TWO. I snorted two M&M’s up my nose and they never came out.
THREE. I bailed my mom out of jail about four years ago and have kept this a secret from everyone
in my family.
FOUR. I lost my virginity on my 16th birthday.
FIVE. I was arrested for shoplifting.
ONE. When I was seven years old, I let go of my two-year-old sister ’s tricycle, sending her full speed
down the driveway to where she broke her leg.
TWO. I purposely drank ipecac and projectile vomited spaghetti out the back of a pickup truck on the
highway.
THREE. I parasailed naked.
FOUR. I had cosmetic surgery.
FIVE. I punched a rooster in the throat and permanently messed up its cock-a-doodle-doo.
ONE. I didn’t show up for work and instead ate hallucinogenic mushrooms and camped in a tent
behind the building for two days.
TWO. I’ve had cancer.
THREE. I was shot through the leg.
FOUR. I got reprimanded in 4th grade for referring to one of the lunch tables as “the pathetic table”
because of the people who always sat there.
FIVE. I spent my junior year of high school wearing black gloves as a stylistic choice.
ONE. I got so wasted that I spilled a bowl of Easy Mac down the front of my pants and got third
degree burns on my pubis during pool season.
TWO. I came across a man masturbating in the woods and I watched him without saying anything
until he saw me and ran away.
THREE. I have grown a beard down to my nipples.
FOUR. I taunted a German girl so badly with Nazi slurs that she never came back to school.
FIVE. I had sex with a stranger at a science fair.
ONE. I once stole a box of family photographs from my dad because my mom told me that if I did I
could come back and live with her.
TWO. I have worked with Ron Howard, Tom Hanks, Mel Gibson and Vince Vaughn.
THREE. I slept with two different women in the same night.
FOUR. I have shaken my child.
FIVE. I’ve had to call 9-1-1 to handle a family member ’s suicide attempt.
ONE. I once got a bully off my back by hitting him in the head with a combination lock.
TWO. I got my penis stuck in a test tube.
THREE. I voted for Bush the second time.
ALL. All these things are true.
(Blackout.)
(Lights back up.)
Just not for me.
(They light each other with their flashlights while they look around suspiciously.)
(Blackout.)
Curtain
Note:
This play was created by asking each ensemble member to send a list of unique or somewhat
unbelievable facts about their life to me. I then distributed the facts between the performers such that
no one spoke their own fact. The script below was the result of this process in March of 2011 but you
can create your own version of “These Things Are True” with your own ensemble by using this
process and keeping the first and last two lines the same. (It’s more fun for the performers if you
never reveal who was the source of each of the facts—it keeps everyone guessing and creates some
interesting conversations.)
 OBLIGATORY
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO

(ONE is on stage behind a chair, holding it as if for someone to sit down. TWO is standing on the
other side of the stage.)
(Pause.)
ONE. Hey.
TWO. Hey.
(Pause.)
TWO. Oh.
(TWO realizes he is supposed to cross the stage and sit in the chair ONE is holding. He does so.)
TWO. Thanks.
ONE. Sure.
(Pause as ONE stands awkwardly.)
TWO. Oh.
(TWO gets up, goes and gets another chair from offstage, sets it opposite his own chair, and holds
it as ONE had held the chair for him. ONE goes and sits in the chair.)
ONE. Thanks.
TWO. Sure.
(TWO begins to go and sit in his chair but then hesitates awkwardly.)
ONE. Oh— (Starting to get up to seat TWO again.)
TWO. (Waving him off:) No, I…no.
(Awkwardly, ONE and TWO manage to sit—neither desiring to sit first.)
(They sit silently across from each other. Awkward pause.)
ONE. (Remembering:) Oh—
(ONE reaches into his pocket and takes something out and holds it before him. [It is a different
object of the performer’s choice each night.])
TWO. What you got there?
ONE. A prop.
TWO. A prop?
ONE. Yeah.
(Pause.)
TWO. What you gonna’ do with it?
ONE. Don’t ask.
TWO. Okay.
 (Pause.)
(ONE takes the prop, stands up, and balances it on TWO’s head. Once it is balanced successfully
he returns to his chair. TWO just awkwardly submits to all this.)
(Pause.)
TWO. Why’d you do that?
ONE. (Muttered inaudibly.)
TWO. What?
ONE. “Stage direction.”
TWO. Oh.
(Long awkward silence as ONE just sits there and TWO sits with the thing balanced on his head.)
TWO. How’s this gonna’ end?
(Pause.)
ONE. Not well.
(Pause.)
(Slow fade to black as both sit disappointed.)
Curtain

Note:
All the lines and actions in this play are performed grudgingly and tentatively, as if someone were
forcing the performers through their lines and actions…which, of course, I am…but in a subtle way.
 H EADS YOU LOSE
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM

(JEFF storms around on stage, alternately furiously ranting, then breaking into quiet depressive
self-loathing, then back again.)
JEFF. Angry. I…am… Angry. I Am INCREDIBLY ANGRYYYYY! I AM FURIOUS!!!! I AM PISSED
—OFF!!!!!!
Of course I’m not really. I’m only acting. In fact I never really get angry. I mean I get angry but I
never run around screaming and breaking things. I usually just get quietly depressed. But inside I feel
like I should really be SCREAMING!! AND THROWING THINGS!!! I FEEL LIKE…LIKE…I WANT
TO BREAK THINGS!!! LIKE I WANT TO BREAK THIS CHAIR!!! LIKE I WANT TO RAM MY
HEAD THROUGH THIS WALL!!! LIKE I WANT TO RIP OFF MY ARMS AND LEGS AND BEAT
MYSELF WITH THEM!!!!!
Of course, I can’t. Not just because of the physiological impossibility of that, but because of the way I
just am. Or the way I was raised. I mean in college I had a friend who tried to give me lessons in—I
DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT!!! I WANT TO DO!!! I WANT TO BE ANGRY!!! I WANT
TO TAKE THIS AND DO THAT!!!! I WANT TO TAKE THIS WOMAN’S HEAD AND…
EAURRGGHHH!!!! I HATE!!! I DETEST!!! I LOATHE!!! I SEETH WITH IGNOMINY!!!!!!
I “seethe with ignominy”?? I mean what is this—some kind of vocabulary test? I don’t even think
that’s the right word. I can’t even get pissed off without turning it into some sort of intellectual
exercise tantamount to the SATs! There I go again! You know how that makes me feel?
IT PISSES ME OFF!!! THIS FEELS RIGHT!!! THIS FEELS GOOD!!! THIS IS HOW I SHOULD
BE!!! I MEAN… (Finding an ensemble member near the stage:) SAM, SAM! YOU’VE KNOWN ME
FOR YEARS—FOR THREE LONG YEARS SAM!—AND HAVE YOU EVER, EVER SEEN ME GET
THIS PISSED—OFF!!???
SAM. No, no I haven’t.
JEFF. Well have you ever seen me kind of sullen and depressed and mumble about things?
SAM. CONSTANTLY!!!!
JEFF. GODDAMN IT!!! FUCKING SHIT!!! GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE…
(Continuing to try to swear but running out of words futilely and devolving into sounds until he stops).
I can’t even swear properly. Oh God, I better stop this. This is really pissing me off.
(JEFF walks off stage in despair.)
Curtain
 CONGRESSIONAL COMPROMISE,
OR REVENGE OF THE H AMMER

Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM

(JEFF comes out on stage to confront SAM. JEFF is holding a hammer behind his back.)
JEFF. Hi Sam.
SAM. Hi Jeff.
JEFF. I’d like to give you something.
SAM. That’s nice. What is it?
JEFF. I don’t think you’re going to like it.
SAM. Well why are you going to give it to me then?
JEFF. Because it’s something we have to agree on, and it’s good for you, but you probably won’t
realize that.
SAM. Well give it to me and find out.
JEFF. Here. (JEFF gives SAM the hammer.) It’s a hammer.
SAM. Oh, that’s cool. I can use a hammer.
JEFF. But it’s a hammer that kills babies.
SAM. Oh, I don’t want a hammer that kills babies.
JEFF. See, I told you.
SAM. But I could use it for something else.
JEFF. Like what?
SAM. Like killing terrorists.
JEFF. But that’s not the purpose of this hammer.
SAM. It could be.
JEFF. Well only if you completely redesign it. You see this part here (He points to the back of the
hammer), it’s used to pry babies’ skulls open.
SAM. Well what if we use it to pry terrorists’ skulls open?
JEFF. It’s not designed for that.
SAM. I know, but what if it were?
JEFF. I wouldn’t approve of it.
(Pause.)
SAM. What if we left it the same way it is, but used it to pry terrorists’ skulls open?
JEFF. What if we modified it, and then used it to kill babies?
(Pause.)
SAM. Tell you what, we’ll take it back to the manufacturer and see if they can completely redesign it
to help old ladies across the street.
JEFF. How long would that take?
SAM. Forever.
(Pause.)
JEFF. Tell you what, we’ll take it back to the manufacturer so they can completely redesign it to pry
your skull open.
(Pause.)
SAM. What if we compromise? We can keep it exactly the way it is, but use it to help old ladies across
the street.
JEFF. And pry their skulls open.
SAM. When they’re babies.
JEFF. Terrorist babies.
(They go to shake hands but turn it to flip each other off.)
Curtain
 T HREE YEAR OLD INTERVIEW
Cast of Characters
JEFF

(JEFF chooses someone out of the audience and seats them across from him on stage. He holds a
clipboard with his questions for them on it. He is affable throughout but makes sure never to let
them ask him a question.)
JEFF. Hi, I’m Jeff.
(Audience member responds, or not.)
JEFF. How are you doing tonight?
(Audience member answers.)
JEFF. Why?
(Audience member responds.)
JEFF. Why?
(Audience member responds.)
JEFF. Why?
(Audience member responds.)
JEFF. Why?
(Audience member responds.)
JEFF. Why?
(Audience member responds.)
(This goes on until the audience member is completely unable to answer, they start looping back
on themselves, or the play has completely worn out its welcome. At that point JEFF throws himself
onto the floor at the audience member’s feet while saying:)
JEFF. I’m sleepy.
(JEFF curls up there for a bit until someone calls…)
Curtain
 T HE GOAT
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR

(All is in darkness. Performers light their faces with flashlights when they speak. The other
performers increasingly regard FOUR with derision.)
ONE. I am
TWO. I am
THREE. I am
FOUR. The Goat.
ONE. I am
TWO. I am
THREE. I am the
FOUR. Goat.
ONE. There is
TWO. There is
THREE. Nothing you can do but
FOUR. Fail.
ONE. There is
TWO. There is
THREE. Nothing you can do but
FOUR. Fail… Because
ONE. You are
TWO. You are
THREE. You are
FOUR. The Goat.
ONE. Yes, you are
TWO. You are
THREE. You are the
FOUR. Goat.
ONE. At first we identify,
TWO. At first we have sympathy,
THREE. At first we give chances,
FOUR. But I fuck them all.
ONE. At first we identify,
TWO. At first we have sympathy,
THREE. AT FIRST WE SAY, HERE TAKE THE BALL AND RUN WITH IT AND SHOW US THAT
YOU CAN DO SOMETHING THAT IS LAUDABLE OR FUNNY OR SUAVE OR AT LEAST
SOMEWHAT RESPECTABLE SO THAT WE CAN SEE THAT YOU DO HAVE SOME HIDDEN
QUALITIES WHICH WOULD SOMEHOW COMPENSATE FOR THIS INCREDIBLE
PATHETICNESS WHICH YOU SEEM TO RADIATE LIKE A TOXIC CLOUD OF FAILURE—A
CLOUD WHICH WE SEE AND FEAR AND HATE AND PRAY TO GOD WE ARE NOT!!!!
FOUR. But I fuck it up.
ONE, TWO & THREE. BECAUSE!
ONE. YOU ARE
TWO. YOU ARE
THREE. YOU ARE THE
FOUR. Goat.
ONE. You are
TWO. You are
THREE. You are the
FOUR. Goat
ONE. You are awkward,
TWO. You are embarrassing,
THREE. You are pathetic,
FOUR. I am picked last.
ONE. You are awkward
TWO. You are embarrassing
THREE. You are pa—
FOUR. (Interrupting and off rhythm:) I am—
(Pause.)
THREE. You are pathetic!
FOUR. Sorry.
ONE. We hate you.
TWO. We hate you.
THREE. We hate you.
FOUR. I know.
ONE. We hate you.
TWO. We hate you.
THREE. We hate you.
FOUR. I am known.
(A spotlight slowly begins to rise on FOUR.)
ONE. We hate you.
TWO. We hate you.
THREE. We hate you.
FOUR. I am famous.
ONE. We hate you.
TWO. We hate you.
THREE. We hate you.
FOUR. I am loved!… Because:
ONE. You are
TWO. You are
THREE. You are
FOUR. The Goat!… Yes!
(The spotlight has risen to full force on FOUR who sounds victorious.)
ONE. You are
TWO. You are
THREE. You are
FOUR. THE GOAT!
Curtain
 A MERICAN MANTRA
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE

(Five ensemble members are spread out around the space in the dark. Each speaker lights a match
each time they say the stanza.)
ALL. (Strike match.) I am not villain.
And I am not victim.
I am just part of the force of the times. (Toss burnt match.)
ALL. (Strike match.) I am not villain.
And I am not victim.
I am just part of the force of the times. (Toss burnt match.)
ONE, TWO, THREE, & FOUR. (Strike match.) I am not villain.
And I am not victim.
I am just part of the force of the times. (Toss burnt match.)
ONE, TWO & THREE. (Strike match.) I am not villain.
And I am not victim.
I am just part of the force of the times. (Toss burnt match.)
ONE & TWO. (Strike match.) I am not villain.
And I am not victim.
I am just part of the force of the times. (Toss burnt match.)
ONE. (Strike match.) I am not villain.
And I am not victim.
I am just part of the force…
(He lets the match burn down and then finally tosses it.)
Curtain
 EARLY CAPITALISM
Cast of Characters
SAM
JEFF

(JEFF and SAM confront each other on stage. The tone is tense and they are fierce. The text is
spoken akin to classic 50s movie Indian-speak.)
SAM. So…what do you have?
JEFF. What do you want?
SAM. I want your house…and your wife…and your daughter.
JEFF. It’ll cost you!
SAM. Yes. But you see I have (He pulls something out of his pocket:) these stones.
JEFF. How many?
SAM. Three.
JEFF. Are they shiny?
SAM. They are very shiny.
JEFF. And…strong?
SAM. So strong.
JEFF. That will only get you my house…and my daughter.
SAM. I have more.
JEFF. More?
SAM. I have the scream of the Banshee.
JEFF. Show me.
(SAM begins to do the scream of the Banshee but then thinks better of it.)
SAM. Do you think I am an idiot? I will not give it to you for nothing! What will I get?
JEFF. Half of my wife.
SAM. Which half?
JEFF. (After thinking:) Left.
SAM. Hmmmm. You drive a hard bargain Tall Man.
JEFF. You are holding out on me Fatty.
SAM. All right! I have two sons…and the wind from the trees.
JEFF. Ah! I knew it! The wind—
SAM. —from the trees. But it is of too much value. I dare not part with it for so little.
JEFF. What if I gave you more?
SAM. What more would I want?
JEFF. (Mystical:) The power to hold things down.
SAM. Gravity?!
JEFF. Yes, I have gravity, and…centripetal force!
SAM. I have heard of this force. It is good for the (He makes swinging arm motions.).
JEFF. Yes. So, those three strong shiny stones, the scream of the Banshee, the wind from the trees,
and two sons—
SAM. One son!
JEFF. One son.
SAM. For your wife, your house, your daughter, and centripetal force!
(They “shake on it” by cupping each other’s genitals. They walk off talking.)
SAM. But how long will this force last?
JEFF. How long will my wife last?
(They banter until they can no longer be heard, but from the next room comes the scream of the
Banshee.)
Curtain
 PALE BLUE EYES
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX

(ONE stands on stage beside TWO. Any role can be played by any gender—adjust the pronouns
accordingly.)
ONE. Things were good.
Things were really good.
And then they were bad.
And then they were good again.
And then they were bad.
They were really really bad.
And then they were over.
(TWO turns and begins to walk away in slow motion.)
But I was okay.
I could go on.
I could be on my own.
And then he came along.
(THREE enters and stands beside ONE.)
And things were good.
They were really good.
And then they were over.
(THREE exits.)
And I thought of you. (TWO pauses.)
And I could close my eyes and feel you right next to me.
But I was okay. (TWO continues.)
I could go on.
I could be on my own.
And then she came along.
(FOUR enters and stands beside ONE.)
And things were good.
They were really really—bad! They were awful! And then they were over!
(FOUR exits.)
And I thought of you. (TWO pauses.)
And how you used to always hold my hand.
But I was okay. (TWO continues.)
I could go on.
I could be okay on my own.
And then he came along.
(FIVE enters and stands beside ONE.)
And things were…good?
They were really…good?
And then they were really…over?
(FIVE exits.)
And I thought of you. (TWO pauses.)
And I re-read all of your letters.
But I was okay. (TWO continues.)
I could go on.
I could be on my own.
And then she came along.
(SIX enters and stands beside ONE.)
And things were good.
They were really good.
And then I thought of you. (TWO pauses.)
And then you called.
And things were good.
And then we said goodbye. (TWO exits.)
And things are good.
Things are really really good.
(ONE and SIX hug.)
Curtain
 LOVE IT W HEN YOU A SK
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM

(JEFF and SAM stand beside each other center stage. They are awkward. They are consistently
shocked by their “slip ups” and verbally correct themselves suddenly and forcefully.)
JEFF. Hi.
SAM. Hi.
JEFF. How are you to dick?—today!
SAM. Oh I’m doing just fart—just fine!
JEFF. You know I went downtown today and I bought a new penis—pen! I bought a new pen!
SAM. Really. Is it a dick?—a Bic?
JEFF. Yes I lick dicks—like Bics!
SAM. Well it’s hard to fuck with an old penis—write with an old pen!
JEFF. I have to ball!…point…pens. Two of them.
SAM. Is it a clit on?—clip on? A clip on?
JEFF. Yeah, it just tits on my shirt—fucks in the dirt—TUCKS IN MY SHIRT!
SAM. Is it difficunt?—cult—dif-fi-cult?
JEFF. Will you shove it up my ass?—Why do you ask?
SAM. How big is your dick?
(JEFF looks confused.)
SAM. I’m sorry…I mean the girth of it.
Curtain
 MUTUAL
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN

(JEFF and JOAN stand across the stage from each other.)
JEFF. Hey Joan, come here.
(JOAN starts to cross the stage to JEFF.)
JEFF. (Stopping her:) No no no. What are you doing?
JOAN. I was just coming there.
JEFF. Why?
JOAN. Because you told me to.
JEFF. No! Don’t you see? I don’t want you to come because I told you to. I want you to come because
you want to come.
JOAN. (Confused:) Oh. Okay.
(JOAN returns to her place.)
JEFF. Hey Joan, come here.
(JOAN hesitates and then starts to cross the stage to JEFF.)
JEFF. (Stopping her:) What are you doing now?
JOAN. I’m coming over there.
JEFF. Why?
JOAN. Because I want to.
JEFF. You do?
JOAN. Well I mean… I don’t mind.
JEFF. You “don’t mind”?
JOAN. Well it’s not worth making some big scene about. If you want me to come over there—
JEFF. No. Don’t you see? I don’t want the gift of your compliance to my request. I want you to
genuinely want to come. I want you to show how we are in agreement. Do you understand now?
JOAN. Um, yeah?
JEFF. Do you?
JOAN. Yeah. Yes! I do.
(JOAN returns to her place.)
JEFF. Hey Joan, come here.
(JOAN does not move.)
JEFF. Hey Joan, come here.
(JOAN does not move.)
JEFF. HEY JOAN, COME HERE!
JOAN. (Whispering to him:) Am I supposed to come now?
JEFF. NO! God damn it! (JEFF crossed over to JOAN’s side of the stage to talk to her.) Don’t you
understand? No matter how much I order you to come over to my side, I only want you to come if
you really want to come. I don’t want to badger you into it. I want you to come because you believe in
it, because that’s what you really feel you really want to do.
JOAN. Well now you’re over here. Why don’t you just tell me what you—
JEFF. No! You don’t get it. It’s not about my wishes. It’s about you really wanting the same thing as
me.
JOAN. Oh. Okay.
(JEFF crosses back to his side of the stage.)
JEFF. Hey Joan, come here.
(JOAN does not move.)
JEFF. Hey Joan, come here.
(JOAN does not move.)
JEFF. Hey Joan, come here!
JOAN. (Under her breath:) (fuck you)
JEFF. What?
JOAN. Fuck You!
JEFF. Woah! Where did that come from?
JOAN. You just want me to comply with your little power game going on here.
JEFF. No, no, no. That’s totally the wrong impression. It’s not about power. It’s about symbiosis. It’s
about wanting the same thing naturally without having to ask for it. It’s about coming together in a
completely mutual way.
JOAN. Well, why don’t you come over here?
JEFF. Because that’s not what’s going on. This is about me expressing my wishes and you naturally
showing how you agree with them because we want the same thing.
JOAN. Hey Jeff, come here.
JEFF. No, don’t start that.
JOAN. Hey Jeff, come here.
JEFF. No, that’s not the point at all.
JOAN. Hey Jeff! Come Here!
(JEFF just shakes his head in silent frustration.)
JOAN. (Mocking sarcastically:) What’s wrong Jeff? Why don’t you come over here? Look, we want
the same thing. We’re in total agreement.
JEFF. Fuck you Joan.
JOAN. Fuck you Jeff. (Out to the audience:) There, symbiosis.
Curtain
 DÉJÀ VU
(After the title “Déjà Vu” is called, the entire ensemble attempts to repeat the exact action of the
previously performed play as precisely as possible. This includes the set up, the “Go,” the tossing
of the paper wad number into the audience, and any audience interaction, as well as any mistakes
and mis-cues. The curtain is called after the entire previous play is repeated.)

Note:
If this happens to be the first play pulled from the clothesline, the introductory speech should be
repeated in the same way.
A perennial favorite, there have historically been a myriad of variations on this play—from Deja
Chicken, where chicken clucks are substituted for every line (except, of course, proper nouns) to Deja
Vuless, where the previous play is repeated in an adjoining room so that the audience can only hear
but not see the play (unless they choose to come find it). There’s even been Deja Corner of Foster and
Ashland where the previous play is repeated outside the theater (in the case of The Neo-Futurarium on
the corner of Foster and Ashland avenues). You should, of course, substitute your actual address into
the title.
 Appendix: 15 Special Bonus Anti-Plays!
As all of us know who have attempted to perform “30 Plays in 60 Minutes,” it’s damn near impossible
without a couple of time-saving “ringers” on the menu. We call these super-short instant plays “Anti-
Plays” and there is almost always one or two of them on any menu of 30 plays—otherwise we have
no hope of finishing before the hideous buzzer sounds on our 60 minute timer. There’s a surprising
variety in what you can do with a zero to ten second play and I have included fifteen of them here.
(There’s even one play that lasts negative time!) In the true Italian Futurist sense of synthesis, these
plays often eschew narrative to express a quick turn of phrase or a very singular idea—much like a
single panel of a comic strip versus a series of panels. Despite their brevity, these plays are often
some of the most memorable and favorite plays of our audiences, although certainly not the most
complex. So when you’re putting together your menu of 30 plays, make sure to include a couple of
the following or you can throw your clock out the window.

N OBODY H ERE
(Blackout.)
(Lights rise to show the stage scattered with chickens in many forms.After a few moments the
lights slowly fade to black.)
Curtain

A MELIA EARHART
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER

(The title of this play should appear as #10 on the menu. At one point during the show’s
introduction, the PERFORMER addressing the audience simply says to the audience:)
PERFORMER. Oh…play number 10… (He jumps up and pulls down number 10.) will not be
performed tonight because it has been lost.
(He then crumples up the number and nonchalantly tosses it into the audience as he would any
other number and quickly continues on with the rest of the introduction. The name of anyone
currently missing can also be substituted for the title of the play.)
(There is no “Go!” or “Curtain!” for this play.)

REAL FAMOUS LAST W ORDS

Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX

(Six ensemble members line up on stage. When the “Go” is called they say their lines in as rapid
succession as possible. Ideally this is a three second play.)
ONE. Whoops!
TWO. Uh-oh.
THREE. What?
FOUR. Hey!
FIVE. Fuuuuuuuck.
SIX. Pretty!
Curtain

T HE SOUND AND T HE FURY

(Blackout.
The sound of an incredibly obnoxious alarm clock is heard, then amplified to a deafening level
through the sound system.
Lights comes up on stage showing someone lying there next to an alarm clock.
In one swift movement they roll over and totally smash the clock with a mallet.
The alarms stop.
The stage lights fades to black.)
Curtain

T HE LITTLES
Cast of Characters
ONE

ONE. (As if telling a bedtime story, until the end:) Once upon a time there was a little town with a
little house that was owned by a little man with a little wife and a little dog and the whole thing was
just so God damn small you couldn’t see it on the stage!
Curtain
 §

OLDIES BUT GOODIES

Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE

(ONE, holding a pie, asks TWO, holding a glass of water, for the time. TWO turns his wrist to
glance at his watch which spills his drink all over his shirt making him instinctively step back into
a long board which THREE “happens” to be carrying as he passes by. This causes the other side
of the board to swing forward hitting ONE in the back which causes him to slam his face into the
pie he holds.)
Curtain

T HERE IS N O DOG
(The stage is cleared. The title and “Go!” are called. There is no dog.)
Curtain

A FISSURE IN THE FABRIC OF T IME

Cast of Characters
PERFORMER

(Someone walks on stage and stops the timer counting the 60 minutes. He looks at the audience.
He either subtracts or adds time to the clock. He then restarts the clock and walks off stage. There
is no “Go!” or “Curtain!” for this play.)

T HE DAY THE N UMBER REBELLED AND T OOK CONTROL OF ITS OWN FATE,
PURSUING A LIFE IT H AD ONLY DREAMED OF IN A W ORLD IT H AD N EVER
SEEN
(When this number is pulled down off the clothesline, the jumper begins to read the title on the
back but before he can get all the way through it the paper number is yanked back up to the
 clothesline, out across the ceiling, and out of the room. The jumper is left with nothing but, after a
beat, to ask the audience for another number. There is no “Go!” or “Curtain!” for this play.)
Note:
This is accomplished through artful rigging with some fishing line.

WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN FIVE ORDINARY PEOPLE PUSH FIVE ORDINARY
OBJECTS WITH FIVE OTHER ORDINARY OBJECTS FROM ONE SIDE OF THE STAGE
TO THE OTHER AND THEN HIT THEM THREE TIMES ANY WAY THEY WISH

(The title is enacted with five people and ten ordinary yet sonorous objects.)
Curtain

T OOL
Cast of Characters
ONE

ONE. Sometimes we include a really short play on the menu so that we have a better shot at finishing
the show in sixty minutes.
Curtain

T HIS IS N OT A PLAY
(The jumper jumps up and pulls down the number of this play but then looks at it and declares
“This is not a play. Give me another number.” He then balls up the number and tosses it into the
audience before he jumps for another number. There is no “Go!” or “Curtain!” for this play.)

OVER YOUR H EAD

Cast of Characters
ONE

ONE. (To audience:) So then Heidegger says to Wittgenstein, “Um das Haus? Meine Frau ist das
Haus!”
 (ONE laughs obnoxiously, then stops.)
Look it up.
Curtain

A UTOBIOGRAPHY OF A MATCH
(ONE stands center stage and begins to speak but just as he comes to consciousness his entire
being is overwhelmed by heat. Therefore all he says is:)
“I hhhooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTT!!!!”
(Which he winds up screaming as he writhes, shrivels, and drops to the floor.)
Curtain

POULTRYGEIST
(The stage is cleared of ensemble members and the “Go!” is called. After a beat there is a
blackout and a lot of clucking is heard. When the lights come back up the stage furniture is
arranged in an odd or impossible formation.)
Curtain
 About the Author
Greg Allen is the Founding Director of The Neo-Futurists and creator of Too Much Light Makes The
Baby Go Blind (30 Plays in 60 Minutes), which has been running 50 weeks a year in Chicago since
1988 and in New York since 2004. He is also author of such plays as The Last Two Minutes of the
Complete Works of Henrik Ibsen, The Strange and Terrible True Tale of Pinocchio (the Wooden Boy)
As Told By Frankenstein’s Monster (the Wretched Creature), Sleeping with the Prince of Darkness:
The Imagined Pillow-Talk of FBI Agent John O’Neill, A Child’s History of Bombing, H2O, and K., his
award-winning adaptation of Kafka’s The Trial. His collaboration The Complete Lost Works of Samuel
Beckett As Found In An Envelope (partially burned) In A Dustbin In Paris Labeled “Never to be
performed. Never. EVER! Or I’ll Sue! I’LL SUE FROM THE GRAVE!!!” has had 12 sold-out award-
winning international productions, and his legendary production of all 9 acts and 7 hours of Eugene
O’Neill’s Strange Interlude inspired hecklers and immediate standing ovations at the Goodman
Theatre’s 2009 O’Neill Festival. Mr. Allen teaches at the University of Chicago, DePaul University,
Actors Theatre of Louisville, the National Theater Institute at the Eugene O’Neill Center, The Neo-
Futurarium in Chicago, and in residencies all over the world.
Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind (30 plays in 60 minutes) (1st ed. - 02.17.15) - toomuch2.epub
Copyright © 2015 Greg Allen
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 Script Specs
TOO MUCH LIGHT MAKES THE BABY GO BLIND
(30 PLAYS IN 60 MINUTES)
by Greg Allen
GENRE
Comedy/Drama
LENGTH
Full-length, 2-65 minutes
CAST
5 females, 5 males
(5-20 actors possible: 2-10 females, 2-10 males)
SET
Minimal.
Having opened in 1988 and still playing today as the longest-running show in Chicago history, Too
Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind is an ensemble experiment in presenting “30 Plays in 60
Minutes.” Each two-minute play is performed in random order with an interactive audience. An
onstage 60-minute timer keeps everyone honest. This collection of 90 comic, tragic, political,
personal, and abstract plays gives you the chance to program your own evening of 30 Neo-Futurist
plays to reflect the lives and experiences of your own ensemble. Go!