Episode #101

Written By:
Elizabeth Meriwether
New Girl - #101 1

CHARACTER LIST

JESSICA “JESS”
CECE
NICK
SCHMIDT
COACH

SPENCER
CAROLINE
BENJAMIN
PETER
WAITRESS

WOMAN
BOY
New Girl - #101 2

FADE IN THE LOFT, A CLOSE UP OF JESS, SAT ON A SOFA FACING NICK,

SCHMIDT AND COACH.

JESS
So, you know in horror movies when the
girls are like "Oh my god, there's
something in the basement. Let me just
run down there in my underwear and see
what's going on in the dark", and
you're like "what is your problem? Call
the police", and she's like "okay" but
it's too late because she's already
getting murdered. Well, er, my story's
kind of like that.

FLASHBACK - "TWO WEEKS AGO" - JESS IS IN A TAXI, ON THE PHONE TO

CECE, HER BEST FRIEND.

JESS
It's a surprise for Spencer. I'm just
gonna walk in and I'm gonna drop my
coat on the ground. He says he had this
fantasy that I'm a stripper with a
heart of gold, and he's helping me put
myself through college.

CECE
He didn't say the college part, did he?

JESS
Um, no, I wanted to create a
three-dimensional sex character.

CECE
Really? What’s Your Stripper Name?

JESS
Uh... Rebecca Johnson?

CECE
Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson?

JESS
Boobies Johnson. Two-boobs Johnson.

CECE
Look at you, in the back of a cab,
totally naked. I am so proud of you.
New Girl - #101 3
CUT TO: INT. SPENCER'S HOUSE
Jess enters through the front door with her suitcase in tow.

JESS
Hellooo? I came home early.

Spencer steps out of a room, surprised, wearing nothing but his

underwear
SPENCER
Jess, what-

JESS
Who's Jess? You're talking to...Tiger
Boobs.

Jess takes off her coat and drops it on the ground, now
completely naked. Camera stays above her shoulders.

SPENCER
Oh…

Jess picks up a pillow, covers herself and starts dancing

“seductively”.
JESS
(Singing) I'm doing sexy things (starts
trotting to the side) with the pillow.

SPENCER
This-

Jess begins to shake a plant while singing

JESS
I'm doing sexy stuff to the plant right
here...

The plant falls over, making a mess.

SPENCER
Woah, okay.

JESS
(Singing) I'll pick that up later.

JESS
(Turns around, singing) Who's that girl? (Louder) Who's that
girl? (Spins back around) It's Jess!

Another girl comes out of the room and stands by Spencer in her
underwear

SPENCER
New Girl - #101 4
Um...
(Jess stands and stares in absolute shock.)

Close up of a ribbon dropping to the floor.

Flashback End.

SCENE BACK IN THE APARTMENT.SCENE BACK IN THE APARTMENT.

JESS
So, that happened. That's why I need a new apartment. I'm sorry,
what was the question again?

We now see Nick, Schmidt, and Coach sat opposite Jess on the
other sofa. They all stare at her, speechless.

NICK
Do you have any pets?

OPENING CREDITS

CUT BACK TO: THE LOFT, JUST BEFORE CREDITS

JESS
You know what's funny? When I saw your
ad on Craigslist, I thought you were
women.

Nick, Schmidt and Coach laugh and joke a bit, Schmidt suddenly
turns serious

SCHMIDT
Why would you think that? That's crazy.
I mean, what-

NICK
Schmidt wrote the ad.

JESS
Oh. I guess it was something about the
words you used. It was like, er, like
"sun-soaked" and "beigey".

Nick and Coach laugh more, Schmidt takes off his top

NICK
What are you doing?

COACH
Wow.

SCHMIDT
New Girl - #101 5
What about these? These look beigey to
you?

NICK
I'm sorry.
COACH
I'm his trainer so, er, it's kind of
the house that coach built right here.

Coach slaps Schmidt's abs and rubs them a bit

NICK
What are we looking at here? That's
baby smooth.

SCHMIDT
This is LLS. Ladies Love Schmidt.
COACH
What!? What did you just say? Go put a
dollar in the jar right now.

We see a mason jar filled with cash labeled "DOUCHEBAG JAR"

SCHMIDT
Are you serious?

COACH
Yeah! Now.

SCHMIDT
Dammit.

Schmidt walks over to “DOUCHEBAG” Jar and inserts a dollar into

it

NICK
LLS, what is wrong with you?

JESS
(Now standing) This place is beautiful.
It gets so much light. Spencer hated
light. It's hard to say his name.

SCHMIDT
It's okay. Nick knows. He got dumped.

NICK
(Scoffs) Dumped. Yeah, I got dumped.

FLASHBACK - A DIFFERENT APARTMENT INT

New Girl - #101 6
Nick and his ex-girlfriend Caroline are sitting across from each
other at a table. Nick has his hands over his ears and is
attempting to shout over her.

NICK
I can't hear you, that means we're not
breaking up! We can't break up if I
can't hear you!

CAROLINE
I need a break. Yes, we're breaking up.

NICK
No! La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!

CAROLINE
I'm breaking up with you. I need some
time away-

END FLASHBACK - BACK TO THE PRESENT

NICK
Yeah, I got dumped. She dumped me. And
I'm over it. Okay, it was six months
ago, guys. Get past it. I don't even
know why we're still talking about it.
Why's everybody looking at me?

He puts his head in his hands.

CUT TO: KITCHEN

Jess is standing in the kitchen, the guys walk over to her and
stand on the opposite side of the counter.

JESS
You know what, I want to live here.

NICK
Actually, I still have some questions.
I mean, like, no offence but we barely
know ya.

JESS
Yeah, okay, yeah. So, um, full
disclosure, I'm kind of emotional right
now 'cause of the break-up so I'll
probably be watching Dirty Dancing at
least 6 or 7 times... a day.

Coach shakes his head slightly, and looks disgusted

New Girl - #101 7

JESS
Um, I'm a teacher so I bring home a lot
of popsicle sticks, stuff like that.
Also, I like to sing to myself - a lot.
(Singing) A lot... (Stops Singing) I'm
tired of living with my friend. She's a
model. All her friends are models.

SCHMIDT
(Excited) Uh, how soon can you move in?

NICK
Actually, Schmidt, slow down.

COACH
Not happening.

SCHMIDT
Okay, um, can you give us a second?
I've just gotta.. (Thumping his chest)
I gotta talk to my boys.

NICK
"My boys" is not a thing here.

SCHMIDT
My bros.

NICK
Okay, Douchebag Jar.

SCHMIDT
Come on, you're my bros.

CUT TO: THE LOFT BATHROOM

Nick, Schmidt, and Coach are huddled in the bathroom talking

SCHMIDT
I'm gonna say yes. Her friends are
models. Okay, you guys? Models.

COACH
I say no. I need to be able to come
home from work, sit on my couch, and
let my beans out. Let 'em breathe.

SCHMIDT
Nick, it's all you, buddy.

NICK
New Girl - #101 8
Well, first, let me say I think you
guys make some really interesting
points. Points that I respect, but I
will say this. I have lived with a
woman, Caroline, as you guys know, and
so I know that there are pros and I
know that there are real cons, guys.

COACH
Nick, you're weak!

NICK
Okay, Pro they smell nice. Cons every
once in a while, the mood changes and
you're not sure why. They'll ruin your
life if you let 'em, they'll break down
your will to live. Pros they're really
good at folding.

COACH
Make a decision!

NICK
I'm sorry, you know what? But, like,
another pro, like when you-

SCHMIDT
Don't do it, put it down.

COACH
Don't.

NICK
I got it.

Puts a hood on and slowly pulls it over his face

SCHMIDT
Don't hood me. Please don't hood me.
Okay.

NICK
I know what I'm talking about.

COACH
We pushed him too hard.

SCHMIDT
We did push him too hard. How about
this? Executive decision, she's in.

JESS
New Girl - #101 9
(Out of shot) Yay, I'm in!

Schmidt walks over and opens the bathroom door where Jess is
standing in the frame.

JESS
You are not gonna regret this.

CUT TO: THE LOFT’S LIVING ROOM

Jess sits alone on the floor watching Dirty Dancing, crying her
eyes out, she is surrounded by used tissues and wrappers. Nick,
Schmidt and Coach stare from a distance.

NICK
What have you done, Schmidt?

Coach stares at Schmidt, who shrugs.

CUT BACK TO: LOFT LIVING ROOM, A DIFFERENT DAY

Jess is on the couch now instead of the floor, but is still

watching Dirty Dancing. She is on the phone with her mother.

JESS
I gotta go, mom. No, I'm not watching
Dirty Dancing.

Nick enters

JESS
No, I don't think so. (To Nick) Hey,
are you gonna murder me 'cause you're a
stranger I met on the internet?

NICK
Yes, I am.

JESS
He says no.

Schmidt and Coach enter, they've been working out.

JESS
No, look, I gotta go, okay? Alright,
love you. Bye.

SCHMIDT
So the Wild West party's on Saturday.
I'm trying to get us in but you may
need to call Caroline.
New Girl - #101 10
NICK
(Quickly) I'm not calling Caroline.

SCHMIDT
Hear me out.

Nick shushes Schmidt and turns Schmidt towards Jess

JESS
(Singing along with Dirty Dancing) ...
had the time of my life.

Nick points at Jess

NICK
We are in this situation because of
you.

Jess begins punching the sofa/pillows in the background

JESS
I hate your face, Spencer, I love you!

NICK
It has been a week of this madness. I
am going crazy, Schmidt, I can't take
it.

COACH
You know what? I got this.

Coach walks over to Jess and sits next to her on the couch

JESS
Hi, Coach.

COACH
(Firmly) Stop it. Stop!

Jess starts wailing even louder than before

COACH
Schmidt!

SCHMIDT
Okay. Alright. I got us into this, I'm
gonna get us out. Jess, I'm gonna take
the remote. (mutes the TV) Alright.
Alright, hey, Jess. (Jess just points
at the TV) How you doing? (Jess shrugs
and points at the TV again) You look
fantastic. Listen, what if you came out
New Girl - #101 11
with us tonight? You know after work.
You know, we'll fix you up, we'll take
you out. We'll get you a rebound.

JESS
A rebound?

SCHMIDT
Yeah.

JESS
I don't know if I'm ready.

SCHMIDT
You're totally ready for it, I'll take
you through the whole thing. You know,
I'll be like your guide!

JESS
Like Gandalf through Middle-earth?

SCHMIDT
Probably not like...okay, first of all,
let's take the Lord of the Rings
references, let's put 'em in a deep,
dark cave, okay, where no one's gonna
find them, ever.

JESS
Except Smeagol, (whispering) he lives
in a cave.

SCHMIDT
You know what, Jess? Come on. Let's
just take the head off the couch. Come
on. Sit up, girl. (Jess sits up
straight) Look at that, doesn't that
feel good? There we go.

JESS
I think that sounds nice. (Singing)
She's going out to find a rebound.
Who's that girl? It's Jess!

NICK
Wait, did you just make up a theme song
for yourself?

SCHMIDT
(After some hesitation) I'm a...I'm a
fix it.
New Girl - #101 12
CUT TO: THE LOFT HALLWAY

Schmidt dressed in a suit is chasing Nick who has towel over his
shoulder down the hallway

NICK
I'm not calling my ex-girlfriend to get
you into a party.

SCHMIDT
This party is everything to me, please
Nick. We go every year, you have no
idea what I'm going through at work.

FLASHBACK - SCHMIDT IN A MEETING ROOM, ADDRESSING A CONFERENCE

TABLE OF ALL WOMEN.

SCHMIDT
(Shouting over the noise of protesting
women) I am just trying to do my work.
I'm just trying to do a good job here.

WOMAN
(mockingly)
Nice tie, can I borrow a tampon?

CUT TO PRESENT: LOFT BATHROOM

Schmidt shudders at the memory. Nick and Schmidt enter the

bathroom, the shower is running in the background

NICK
Schmidt, I'm not calling her.

SCHMIDT
Listen to me, knowing every year that I
will be going to the Waa Waa West
Charity Auction for poverty reminds me
that I'm still a man, and I can still
motorboat a hot girl.

JESS
(From inside the shower) Somebody's in
here.

SCHMIDT
We're leaving in ten minutes, did you
shave your legs?

JESS
I will now.
New Girl - #101 13
SCHMIDT
Front and back?

JESS
Yes.

SCHMIDT
Thank you.

NICK
(Quietly) Ok, I'm gonna kill myself
now.

SCHMIDT
Just call Caroline, you call her all
the time when you're drunk.

NICK
I don't know to what you are referring.

FLASHBACK: THE LOFT LIVING ROOM

A drunk Nick is on the sofa with a beer on the phone, leaving a

voicemail.

NICK
(In a very bad British accent) Hello,
Caroline. I still love you, so much.
(Starts to sob) So, much.

CUT TO PRESENT: THE LOFT BATHROOM

NICK
I'm not calling her.

Jess pulls back shower curtain and gets out, wearing a bright
pink swimsuit

JESS
Schmidt, I know you really want to go
to this party, but wouldn't it be
better to find a girl who you really
care about to motorboat, then maybe if
you're super lucky, you might find a
girl who'll motorboat you right back.

NICK
I don't think she knows what
motorboating is.

CUT TO:JESS'S BEDROOM

New Girl - #101 14
Jess is wearing a blue robe, while staring at her clothes which
are scattered across her bed

SCHMIDT
(From another room)
Jess, we are leaving in five.

Coach enters the room holding a basketball. Jess turns around,

she is currently curling her hair with a curling iron

COACH
Hey.

JESS
Hey Coach, wha--

Coach attempts to place his basketball on Jess’s dresser and

accidentally smashes an ornament of hers

COACH
Sorry. Uh, my boss says that I don't
know how to talk to women, which is
ridiculous...

FLASHBACK CUT TO: GYM

Coach in a gym, with a woman who is on an exercise bike, the

woman cries as Coach screams at her.

COACH
SPIN WOMAN, SPIN! AHHHHHHH!

WOMAN
(Sobbing) I'm spinning! You are so
mean!

COACH
I'M NOT MEAN, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU!
I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU!

FLASHBACK END CUT TO: JESS’S ROOM PRESENT

COACH
So I was wondering if you could, uh,
help me out with that.

JESS
Sure, sure. Absolutely. (Sits down on
the edge of her bed) Um, well, first of
all, maybe think about what women like
New Girl - #101 15
to talk about, you know, like, use me
for practice.

COACH
Alright, uh, um,shopping, is that fun
for you guys?

JESS
Yeah, shopping's fun. Uh, the other day
I bought a pair of jeggings, they look
like jeans but they're really leggings.

COACH
Uh, uh, you-, I-. Who cares!? Sorry.

JESS
(Nods) Uhm, good job. Uh, a couple of
things you could work on, uh 1.
Lowering your voice.

COACH
Right on.

JESS
Uhm, 2. Listening.
(Her hair begins to smoke)
3. Rage.
(Smokes a bit more.)

COACH
Absolutely.

JESS
Uhm, 4.--

COACH
Your hair is on fire.

She frowns at him and then glances at her hair.

CUT TO: INT. BAR

Nick, standing, is serving Jess, Coach, and Schmidt drinks who

are sitting at a table.

NICK
Beers, and a rose.

JESS
Pink wine makes me slutty.
New Girl - #101 16
A 'cute' guy walks by

JESS
Woah, cute guy alert.

Jess makes odd noises. Schmidt shakes his head and Coach and
Nick glance at each other

SCHMIDT
Okay, Jess, gametime. Let's do this. If
you wanna forget about Spencer (she
nods) you're gonna have to do some very
very bad things, (points) with that
man, right over there.

Jess glances to look at the man

JESS
How bad?

SCHMIDT
Real bad, Jess. Real bad.

JESS
Like a, make-out sess, no tops?

SCHMIDT
Okay, this is what- this is what's
gonna happen. You're gonna go over
there and you're gonna stand next to
him and you're gonna smile. (she smiles
a little creepily) But, you're not
gonna smile like that. (smiles like and
odd rabbit or chipmunk) That looks like
a hungry badger.

COACH
Stop that.

JESS
Okay, I got this, I got this.

SCHMIDT
You got this. You got it. Just go make
it out.

COACH
Get 'em up! Ride 'em out! Go do it.
Ride 'em out! Huhah!

Jess walks up to the side of the man, pulls a pose with her
hands on her hips and leans over.
New Girl - #101 17
JESS
Hey, sailor.

He glances at her, and then looks back away

COACH
Oh. Alright.

SCHMIDT
Alright.

COACH
That's okay. Maybe he didn't hear that.

SCHMIDT
You can come back from that.

COACH
Maybe he didn't hear that.

SCHMIDT
It's all good.

BENJAMIN
Holy Schmidt, it’s Schmidt!

Benjamin walks towards Schmidt, followed by his friend Peter

SCHMIDT
Oh, it is all about the Benjamin!
Wassup?! (Share a bro hug) Alright,
P-Funk, what's up dude? This is Coach.

BENJAMIN
What's up Coach? (falters when Coach
doesn't reply) You like parties?

COACH
Don't talk to me. (Walks away)

BENJAMIN
Yeah, okay.

SCHMIDT
You know who likes to party hard,
right?

BENJAMIN
Yeah, so you coming on Saturday, I hear
there's gonna be some fine ladies
there?
New Girl - #101 18
SCHMIDT
Uh, maybe, yeah. I heard it's not gonna
be that good this year. No?

BENJAMIN
Are you not on the list?

SCHMIDT
Man, I'm on the list, you know that.

BENJAMIN
Ohhh. That sucks man. Keep your head
up, alright?

SCHMIDT
Alright, player. Do your thing man, it
was good seeing you. Alright, man,
P-Funk, always.

Schmidt walks over to the bar where Coach, Nick, and Jess are.

SCHMIDT
Nick, please.

Nick leans over the bar in between pouring drinks.

NICK
Why are you friends with those guys?

SCHMIDT
Nick, please get me in the party, I'm
begging you, please.

NICK
No, I'm not calling Caroline.

SCHMIDT
Do you know what a cute cowboy I am? Do
you have any idea?

CUT TO: Int. Bar, Later in the night

At the bar, Jess is sitting, eating chicken wings with a glass

of wine, talking to Nick while he pours drinks.

JESS
Well, I guess I can't hide my crazy.

NICK
I don't think you're trying that hard.

JESS
New Girl - #101 19
Well, I've never been, great at this
stuff, so... (bites on a celery stick)

FLASHBACK CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM

Young Jess is sitting on a chair playing her guitar and singing

to a small group of people at a party.

JESS
(Singing)
What if God was one of us?

Boy put his hands over his ears visibly in pain.

BOY
God, make it stop!

JESS
(Singing)
Just a slob like one of us?

END OF FLASHBACK

JESS
Looks at us, couple of losers, we both
got dumped, jeesh.

NICK
(Shaking his head)
I'm fine. Six months ago so…

JESS
Do you know why she dumped you? I mean
she must've hurt you pretty bad..

NICK
No, no, it made no difference to me, I
just wanted to set her trash cans on
fire.

JESS
So are you always just like wondering,
like, what was it, was there something
I could've done differently? (he shakes
his head) Do you know what happens to
people who keep it all inside? They get
old, and they get sad and they get
weird and then you're the old man
yelling at the kids who are running
across your yard and you're telling
them 'Don't run across my yard, my
New Girl - #101 20
life's full of regret'. You know, you
can't just pretend like it didn't
happen.

NICK
Or I could pretend to be more like you,
Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow and
drive a unicorn around and just sing
all the time.

JESS
Yeah, I think you should sing all the
time.

NICK
No, I was being mean, I'm not gonna do
that, Jess.

JESS
Why not?! It's fun!

NICK
Because I have a penis, Jess.

JESS
(Singing in an old man's voice)
My name is Nick, I have a penis and I'm
not gonna let any feelings out.

NICK
Okay Jess, your left boob is resting on
a plate of chicken wings.

JESS
Yeah, I know.

Peter walks over and sits next to Jess

PETER
Hey, I'm Peter. What are you drinking?

JESS
Oh, I'll have another pink wine.

Nick begins to walk away, taking out his phone

PETER
I like your glasses.

JESS
They help me see.
New Girl - #101 21
CUT TO: INT. BAR EVEN LATER IN THE NIGHT

Jess and Peter are chatting and laughing at a table while

Schmidt and Coach watch from the bar.

COACH
She's doing alright.

Benjamin walks up to Schmidt and Coach

BENJAMIN
Schmidt stain! Hey man. I was thinking
that it's probably better that you
don't come to the party, that means
more breast for me. (Laughs)

SCHMIDT
(Standing up)
You better step down son, you're taking
this whole thing too far. Hold me back
Coach, I'm seri-. Hold me back. Hold me
back! Coach, would you please hold me
back.

NICK
Schmidt, we're going to the party,
relax.

BENJAMIN
Nice, see you there Schmidtty!

Benjamin walks away.

SCHMIDT
Ah, totally, Broseph.

NICK
Yeah I texted Caroline.

COACH
You? text Caroline?

NICK
(Nods)
It's no big deal, it's behind me. It's
in the past so..

SCHMIDT
Thank you, I love you, (hugs him) very,
very much.

NICK
New Girl - #101 22
Yeah...Did you just kiss my arm a
little?

SCHMIDT
Yeah I did, it felt right.

Peter walks Jess to the bar so she can rejoin the

guys.

PETER
So I'll see you tomorrow, sailor.

Peter walks away

JESS
Yeah, cool. I'll call--, cool.

NICK
So what's happening tomorrow, sailor?

JESS
You know what, you guys were totally
right. I talked in short sentences, I
didn't sing, I laughed, I smiled, I
said I needed rebound sex and it
totally worked. He asked me out.
Dinner, with food. Oooh oooh.

SCHMIDT
I'm so proud of you. (Hugs her)

COACH
You got it girl.

SCHMIDT
You did good.

COACH
You got it down. (High fives her)

JESS
(With her hands in the air)
It's Jess, she's on (sings)
fiiiirrreee!

Jess backs away while singing, starts dancing and all the guys
groan because as she turns, they notice her top is tucked in her
panties

COACH
Big ass panties.
New Girl - #101 23

NICK
Alright, shall we tell her?

SCHMIDT
I'll think we'll let her have her
moment.

CUT TO:INT. LOFT LIVING ROOM, A DIFFERENT DAY

Cece is sitting on a chair in a low cut dress. The guys sit

silently watching her on the couch.

CECE
Do the shoes fit , Jess?

There is a thump from off

JESS (O.S.)
I'm okay!

COACH
What are you, a model or something?

CECE
Yeah. Yes. Mostly print right now...
so.

SCHMIDT
What is it? Cece? Cecelia? Chechelia?
Tell me what are your hopes and dreams?
Are you warm? I'm a little, huh, I'm a
little warm right now. (Begins to take
off his t-shirt)

NICK
Don't, Schmidt.

COACH
All right.

Schmidt finishes removing his shirt

SCHMIDT
Oh yeah. There it is. (Breathes deeply
and flexes)

CECE
New Girl - #101 24
(Unfazed)
Please put your shirt back on. Please
don't make me laugh at you.

SCHMIDT
Can I hit you up with some tea? A
little herb tea? Ahhh. Oh my God. How
good is that, for real, whaat? A little
Peaman tea? Yum, right? Hot, sweet, a
little tea bag action. And I wasn't, I
wasn't talking about…

Nick reaches over to grab the jar

NICK
There it is. Douchebag.

Schmidt reaches into his pocket for some cash, and puts it in
the jar.

CECE
Listen to me you guys, Jess is by far
the best person that I know, so if you
guys let anything happen to her, I'm
gonna come here, and crazy murder you.

SCHMIDT
I'm gonna be honest with you. I did not
hear a word you just said 'cause I can
kinda see your party hats right now.

NICK
(Reaching over for the jar again)
Here we go.

CECE
Jess!

Cece stands up and walks off. Once she leaves we cut to Schmidt
putting another dollar in the douchebag jar.

NICK
Why are you talking like this?

CUT TO: CECE OPENING JESS’S DOOR

Cece sees Jess, sprawled on the floor.

JESS
I fell off my heels.

CECE
New Girl - #101 25
Okay. Alright. No. Come on. (kneels to
pull Jess up) Get up.

JESS
Oh, what am I doing? I can't go on a
date, what if it's horrible, what if I
have nothing to talk about?

CECE
Then you go to the bathroom and you
call me and you tell me all about it.

JESS
Maybe I just shouldn't go.

CECE
Babe, you got hurt, that doesn't mean
you stop trying. Okay?

Jess nods

CECE
Okay. Let's go, come on. (both stand up
and look at what she's wearing) You
gotta take off those overalls.

JESS
I was going for, like a, like a hot
farmer's daughter kinda thing, you know
like. (horrible imitation of a southern
belle) Oh, I'm to go milk my cows, with
my bucket.

CECE
Take 'em off.

JESS
Okay, what am I going to wear?

CUT TO: THE LOFT LIVING ROOM

The guys are still seated on the couch when Cece walks out in
Jess's overalls, smiling proudly. Nick looks up and Cece motions
for Jess to appear.

Jess walks out in Cece’s dress catching everyone’s attention.

COACH
Wow!

JESS
Thanks, Coach.
New Girl - #101 26

Jess begins to dance horribly while beatboxing her own backup

music.

SCHMIDT
And then she does that.

JESS
I'm gonna text him, tell him I'm
heading over.

NICK
Wait, have you been texting him?

JESS
Yeah, is that bad?

NICK
(Pauses and shakes his head)
No. (Smiles slightly) It's nice. Have a
good night.

JESS
This gonna be great.

CUT TO: EXT. A-LIST CLUB

Loud music is heard from inside and there is a large que of

people outside, waiting to get in.

NICK
S'cuse me, is er, Caroline, I'm looking
for Caroline, we're supposed to be on
some list?

CAROLINE
Hey, Nick. (Waves)

NICK
Sorry, I'm wearing this stupid thing.
Schmidt made me do it. Thank you so
much for getting us in.

CAROLINE
Yeah, no problem. Um, maybe to pay me
back you can stop prank calling me.

NICK
What?

CAROLINE
New Girl - #101 27
Uh, (imitates Nick's “Irish” voicemail)
Hello Caroline, I still loves you I do.

NICK
Yeah, you gotta figure that out, some
crazy person's calling you. You look
nice, it's good to see you.

CAROLINE
Um, I think I'm almost finished out
here if you, do you wanna go, grab a
drink?

NICK
Yeah.

CAROLINE
Yeah?

NICK
Sure, yeah let's, you and I just get a
drink.

CAROLINE
Let's get a drink.

NICK
Let's be normal about it.

CAROLINE
Okay.

NICK
Actually, hold on, I'm sorry. I just, I
have to ask you something so that, one
day, I'm not an old man filled with
regret, but why did you dump me?

CAROLINE
Um, do, okay, are we doing this here,
like now?

NICK
(Sighs)
Yeah, why did you dump me?

CAROLINE
Um. Honestly I, I didn't even realize
that you cared about me until we broke
up.

NICK
New Girl - #101 28
Okay. Let's get that drink.

Benjamin walks over to Schmidt and Coach.

BENJAMIN
(In a western accent)
Get along little doggy. Well howdy
there, muchachos.

Nick walks over and notices Peter

NICK
Hey, where's Jess?

PETER
Oh, dude, she texted me like seven
times. Like long ones. I just wanna
hook up.

NICK
So's she waiting for you to show up, or
did you call her?

PETER
Yeah, that's what I did, I called her.
(Laughs with Benjamin)

BENJAMIN
See you inside, Schmidty.

CAROLINE
Nick, you wanna get that drink?

NICK
No, I gotta go help a friend, Caroline.

Nick and Coach start to walk away, while Schmidt attempts to

stop them.

SCHMIDT
Nonononononono, guys, this is the party
of the year, guys this is our night,
this is our night!

Coach and Nick keep walking and are further away now

COACH
I'm going with Nick, man, you coming?

SCHMIDT
I thought you guys were my boys?
New Girl - #101 29
NICK
You're boys is not a thing, Schmidt,
stop. (starts running) We're coming
Jess!

Schmidt stands there mulling it over. Sees a 'hot' girl waving

and jumping up and down, with big boobs. Bites his knuckle,
thinking about it, and then clearly frustrated runs after them.

CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT

Jess, visibly upset, is waiting to meet Peter for her date, a

waitress approaches.

JESS
Do you have anything, else that is,
free, but also has bread in it, because
the, the like good bread I ate and uh,
all that's left is a, it's like a, it's
kind of like a health bread?

WAITRESS
I'm sorry. We're gonna have to ask you
to give up the table.

JESS
Um, can I please just stay, just a
little bit longer?

NICK
WE'RE HERE! (Running in with the guys)
Yup, we're here, Jess! We're here.

SCHMIDT
We're here for the date, the date
thing.

WAITRESS
(Shocked)
You're all on a date?

NICK
Yeah we are. We're her boyfriends. We
are reversed Mormons, one man just
isn't enough for her.

WAITRESS
Ohhkay.

Waitress walks away

New Girl - #101 30
NICK
Hey, Jess, that guy was a jerk, he's a
clown.

JESS
(Getting all emotional) You guys missed
your party to come here, and to see me?

NICK
Yeah, we uh, we care about you. We like
you.

JESS
That's so nice. (Sniffles)

COACH
What is that?

NICK
Don't start crying.

COACH
Come on.

JESS
(Crying)
It's cool. It's very very cool.

NICK
Come on, Jess, come on.

COACH
Stop it!

NICK
Coach, shut up. It's okay, hey, don't
cry. (Singing, badly) For I've had the
time of my life. (Jess looks up)

COACH
What is he doing?

NICK
And I've never felt this way before.
Yes it's true. Na na na na na, and it's
(hits Coach so he starts to
sing/mumble) something something
something, something something.

COACH
There's bears, in my house and it goes
like this.
New Girl - #101 31

NICK
(Over Coach) And it's the something
that makes you really really happy.

SCHMIDT
I'm not uh, I'm not doing any of this.
(Nick hits him and he starts singing
whilst the others mumble in the
background) Just remember, you're the
one thing, I can't get enough of.

(They stop briefly and she laughs, they keep mumble singing
random words getting louder, and then sing the chorus really
badly.)

ALL (INCLUDING JESS)

I've had the time of my life, and I owe
it all to you.

NICK
What time is it!!??

ALL
I've had the time of my life-

WAITRESS
[Walks up to them]
Hey, you have to leave now, all of you!

They run out still singing

CUT TO: THE LOFT LIVING ROOM

They are seated on the couch watching the end of Dirty Dancing.

NICK
You're right Jess, this movie's pretty
good.

JESS
Seriously, thank you guys for tonight,
that was really cool.

SCHMIDT
Listen Jess, I know you've had a rough
go with it, I just want you to know,
that, I mean for me at least, no matter
what, I would still totally do you.

JESS
Aww, that's so sweet.
New Girl - #101 32

SCHMIDT
Yeah, absolutely.

JESS
Jar!

SCHMIDT
Yeah.

NICK
Yeah, jar.

END OF EPISODE