Backstage Secured

By Pat Cook
© Copyright 2008, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.
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BACKSTAGE
By PAT COOK
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(In Order of Speaking)
# of lines
MAX .........................................superstitious stage 146
manager
CLAIRE .....................................sarcastic character actress 58
MERCEDES ...............................pompous, aging actress 65
POLLY .......................................young assistant director 153
EFREM .....................................gentlemanly character actor 70
YOLANDA ..................................costume lady; card shark 101
AJAX .........................................young, ambitious understudy 133
LOU..........................................as in Louise; fast-thinking 140
female director
SKIPPY .....................................nervous, young playwright 78
GINGER ....................................young actress looking for a 57
free meal
AGNES .....................................amiable actress, always 55
looking for a bet
GOOSE .....................................lighting director 29
MR. OBERCLAW ........................anxious producer and theatre 18
owner
HATTIE......................................Ajax’s star-struck mother 34
TYLER ......................................arrogant newspaper critic 26
PETE ........................................large, overbearing gangster 86
ii P H OTO C O P Y I N G T H I S S C R I P T B R E A K S F E D E RA L C O P Y R I G H T L AW S
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SETTING
Time: The present.
Place: Backstage of the Theatre Baroque.
UPSTAGE, we see the back of the flats that make up the set for “Don
Juan in Cleveland.” There is a flat UP CENTER, running parallel to the
proscenium, flanked by two flats angled toward the UPSTAGE corners.
Located in each of these three walls are practical doors, which open
into the “Don Juan” set.
STAGE RIGHT is a door that leads to the dressing room of Burton
Cavendish, the star of the show. DOWN RIGHT is an archway leading
to the stage door and lobby. There is a telephone located on the wall
near the archway, with scribbled notes on the wall next to it. Located
on the DOWN LEFT wall is a set of stairs running off, which leads to
the actors’ dressing rooms on the second floor. (This can be modified
for smaller productions and just be an exit/entrance.) The rest of the
STAGE LEFT area has the usual curtains indicating wing space, through
which actors may also enter and exit.
The furniture consists of a prop table along the UP CENTER wall. There
is another table, located STAGE LEFT, where an ongoing poker game
resides. Around the table are four folding chairs.
Since we’re seeing the backstage area of a play, lighting cues
distinguish between when “Don Juan” is in progress and when it’s not.
When action is happening for “Don Juan in Cleveland,” the lighting
for the backstage action we’re seeing can have a slightly BLUE tint
while the upstage area hidden by the flats—the “Don Juan” set—is
lit. When “Don Juan in Cleveland” is not in progress, the lights on our
(back)stage come up full. (See Production Notes at end of playbook.)
iii
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Backstage - Set Design
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iv
BACKSTAGE
ACT ONE
Scene One
1 LIGHTS UP: BLUE TINTED LIGHTS to designate “Don Juan in Cleveland”
is in progress, though the LIGHTS for the “Don Juan” set are currently
OFF. MAX, wearing a headset, is standing near the UP RIGHT corner
of the play set and looking alternately onto the set through the open
5 RIGHT door and at his watch. Poised to go through the UP CENTER set
door are CLAIRE, AGNES, GINGER, EFREM and MERCEDES. The door
is currently closed. POLLY is standing near Burton’s dressing room.
YOLANDA is sitting at the card table shuffling a deck of cards.
MAX: Ready, Goose? And… lights up! (DON JUAN LIGHTS UP. The
10 LADIES get ready, panther-like, to go through the UPSTAGE set door.)
Applause, applause, applause.
CLAIRE: We hope.
MAX: (Looks at his watch and then points at them.) Claire! (CLAIRE
flings open the door and EXITS UP CENTER to the “Don Juan” set.)
15 Applause, applause, applause.
MERCEDES: She hopes.
MAX: Meow! Agnes… go! (Points and AGNES EXITS UP CENTER.) Applause,
applause, applause. (Looks over at POLLY.) Get him ready.
POLLY: (Meekly knocks on Burton’s door.) Mr. Cavendish? Time.
20 MAX: Ginger… go! (Points and GINGER EXITS UP CENTER.) Applause,
applause, applause.
POLLY: Mr. Cavendish? (Knocks harder.) You must rehearse your
curtain call, sir.
MAX: (Looks at POLLY.) He was just onstage not ten minutes ago.
25 POLLY: He’s coming, I’m sure.
MAX: (Looking up in prayer.) Somebody save me from has-beens.
POLLY: He’ll be there!
MAX: (With respect.) Mr. Lockhart? At your leisure, sir.
EFREM: As ever the gentleman, Maxwell. (Bows slightly and EXITS UP
30 CENTER.)
MAX: (Again looks at his watch.) Great applause, applause, applause.
MERCEDES: (To herself.) Teacher’s pet.
MAX: Mercedes? (Points to her.) Go!
MERCEDES: Now comes the real ovation! (Haughty. EXITS UP CENTER.)
35 MAX: (Devilish.) Applause. She hopes.
MERCEDES’ VOICE: I heard that!
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1 POLLY: (Again knocks on the door.) Mr. Cavendish!
MAX: (Moves to POLLY.) What’s the problem with his highness now?
POLLY: I don’t know, Max, give me a break.
MAX: He has to get out there. (Bangs on Burton’s door.) Cavendish!
5 You’re on! (After a slight pause, turns to POLLY.) Get him out here. I
don’t care if you have to shoot him and have him stuffed!
POLLY: Whatever. (Meek.) Oh, I hope he’s decent. (Covers her eyes and
EXITS to Burton’s dressing room. At this moment, AJAX ENTERS from
the DOWN LEFT stairs carrying a suitcase.)
10 MAX: I don’t know why I said stuff him. He’s already an overstuffed
ham.
YOLANDA: (Sees AJAX.) Ah, Ajax, just in time for a few games.
AJAX: Better find yourself another pigeon, Yolanda. (Drops the suitcase,
pushes up glasses which keep sliding down his nose.) You won’t
15 have Ajax Perkins to kick around anymore.
YOLANDA: Oh, come on now, Ajax. I hold you highly in my heart.
AJAX: You do?
YOLANDA: Yes, you’re putting my kid through welding school.
AJAX: I need to talk to Polly.
20 MAX: (Rushes over to AJAX.) Perkins, get out there!
AJAX: What?
MAX: (Grabs AJAX.) You’re the understudy. Understudy out there on
that stage. (Ushers AJAX to the UP CENTER door.)
AJAX: But, Max, didn’t you get my note?
25 MAX: No time for love letters, Perkins, get out there!
AJAX: But I need to talk to Polly—
MAX: (Shoves AJAX OUT and closes the door behind him.) I’ve got to
find another job.
YOLANDA: They close this place, you’ll get your wish.
30 MAX: (Crosses to YOLANDA.) Did that sound like a wish? You don’t
know me as well as I thought. (POLLY ENTERS from Burton’s
dressing room on tiptoes and gently closes the door behind her.)
YOLANDA: I know you worry too much, you’ve got an ulcer and your
rent is past due.
35 MAX: How do you know? From the cards?
YOLANDA: What do you think these are, Tarot cards? I just know
’cause you tell us every day. At the top of your lungs.
POLLY: (Moves to MAX.) Mr. Cavendish is resting just now and cannot
be disturbed.
2 P H OTO C O P Y I N G T H I S S C R I P T B R E A K S F E D E RA L C O P Y R I G H T L AW S
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1 MAX: What? Did he say that?
POLLY: No, I tried to disturb him and can’t.
MAX: That windbag, he’s sleeping off another one. (Into his headset.)
What? Okay, Goose, bring down the stage lights. (DON JUAN LIGHTS
5 OUT as STAGE LIGHTS UP FULL.)
POLLY: Don’t let him hear you call him a windbag! (MAX glares at
her.) I mean, you might not want to let him hear you say that, your
highness.
MAX: Don’t get cute, Polly.
10 MERCEDES: (Looks IN through the UP CENTER door.) Aren’t you going
to bring up the lights again for another curtain call?
MAX: What, and give the audience another shot at you?
MERCEDES: Very funny. (She disappears as she closes the door again.)
POLLY: You’re just going to leave them out there in the dark?
15 MAX: Notice how quiet it is back here?
POLLY: (Looks around.) Now that you mention it.
MAX: Give it five seconds. (Looks at his watch and counts down.)
Four… three… two… one… and— (Points LEFT.)
LOU: (ENTERS LEFT from the wings, followed by SKIPPY. Demanding.)
20 Okay, where is he?
MAX: (Innocent.) Whoever do you mean, Lou? (SKIPPY moves to
YOLANDA.)
LOU: (Moves to Burton’s dressing room.) Don’t give me that. I don’t
blame you.
25 MAX: Yes, but will you put that in writing?
SKIPPY: (To YOLANDA.) Can you tell if my play will be a hit?
YOLANDA: Oh, hi, Skippy.
SKIPPY: My name is Jeffrey. Can the cards foretell anything about my
play or not?
30 YOLANDA: (Smiles.) Oh, these things cannot be called up willy-nilly
without the proper atmosphere.
LOU: (Starts to bang on Burton’s door, catches herself and then knocks
politely.) Oh, Mr. Cavendish? May I have an audience?
MAX: You can tell who butters her bread.
35 SKIPPY: What do you mean proper atmosphere? (YOLANDA rubs her
fingers together, indicating money.) Oh. (Pulls out his wallet.)
MAX: (In his headset.) What? Oh, right. Bring up the house lights.
(DON JUAN LIGHTS UP. STAGE LIGHTS REMAIN UP FULL. SOUND
EFFECT: TELEPHONE RING. MAX crosses to the phone.)
40 POLLY: Maybe Mr. Cavendish is sick?
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1 LOU: Don’t say that. Don’t even think it. (Knocks again gently.)
MAX: (Into the receiver.) Theatre Baroque, backstage.
GINGER: (ENTERS UP CENTER followed by AGNES, CLAIRE, MERCEDES
and EFREM.) Well, you know what they say. Bad rehearsal—
5 AGNES: Rotten show.
SKIPPY: (Pulls out a five dollar bill.) Hey, we don’t know that. (Hands
the money to YOLANDA.) Will a five work?
YOLANDA: (Snatches the money.) Ah, the atmosphere is clearing.
(Deals cards in a pair of rows.)
10 EFREM: Eenie, meenie, chili beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
MAX: (On the phone.) Naw, we’re opening a new play. “Don Juan in
Cleveland.” What’s it about? I have no idea.
SKIPPY: (Hears MAX’S comment and trots over to him.) It’s a
metaphorical allegory in which man’s inhumanity to man is used
as a vehicle to portray his gravest emotions.
15 MAX: (Looks at SKIPPY, blankly. Into the phone.) That’s right, lady, no
plot. (Hangs up the phone. AJAX ENTERS UP CENTER.)
EFREM: (Moves to SKIPPY.) I have the utmost faith in your little opus.
(Holds out a hand as if to envision the future.) We shall astound.
We shall amuse. We shall amaze.
20 CLAIRE: If I get a paycheck I’ll be astounded.
GINGER: Amused.
AGNES: And amazed.
AJAX: This is the final straw! (Moves to the OTHERS.)
MERCEDES: (To MAX.) And where was Burton Cavendish? He’s so
25 important that he doesn’t have to rehearse the curtain call with
the rest of us?
SKIPPY: (To EFREM.) I wish everyone felt like that, Mr. Lockhart.
YOLANDA: (To SKIPPY.) You want to hear this or not?
SKIPPY: (Trots to YOLANDA.) Well, what do the cards say?
30 YOLANDA: I see your play becoming a big hit!
SKIPPY: Great!
AJAX: Now, I just need to tell Polly.
POLLY: (Hears this. Moves to AJAX.) Tell me what?
AJAX: Hon, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m quitting.
35 POLLY: What?
LOU: Cavendish! (Kicks Burton’s door twice.)
POLLY: (Hurt.) And you weren’t even going to tell me? (Folds her arms
and turns away from AJAX.)
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1 YOLANDA: (To SKIPPY.) Now, don’t you want to know if the play will be
a big hit at this theatre?
SKIPPY: What? I just gave you my last five!
AJAX: I just did, Polly. Of course I was going to tell you!
5 YOLANDA: The atmosphere is cluttering up again.
AGNES: (Sits at the poker table with GINGER and CLAIRE, all of whom
pull out change. YOLANDA shuffles the cards.) Deal.
MAX: Watch it, Mercedes. (Shoves her over and moves UPSTAGE.)
MERCEDES: That’s Miss Boatright to you.
10 MAX: (Into his headset.) Goose, get back here and let’s go over the
light cues again. You were late on the old dame’s entrance.
MERCEDES: What old dame?
MAX: Sorry. (Back to the headset.) You were late on Miss Boatright’s
entrance.
15 MERCEDES: I heard that!
MAX: Of course you did. I’m standing right here.
YOLANDA: Ante up, girls. Mamma needs a new pair of everything.
CLAIRE: Just give me something worth betting on.
GINGER: And deal off the top of the deck this time.
20 YOLANDA: (Mock dismay.) Oh, I am so hurt.
CLAIRE: Just deal. (She, AGNES and GINGER each throw in a coin, and
YOLANDA deals them hands. During the next few speeches, they play
poker and chat quietly about the game. SKIPPY watches over them.)
AJAX: Polly, don’t be like this!
25 LOU: (Moves to MAX.) Will somebody go in there and get him?
MAX: Why don’t you go, Lou? You’re the director.
LOU: I can’t!
MAX: Why not?
LOU: He scares me. (Looks at Burton’s door and then moves back to
30 it. Bends over and listens at the door.)
AJAX: (Moves to POLLY.) I just can’t go on like this, Polly. You know
what I’ve been going through here.
POLLY: We have all been having a hard time.
AJAX: Yes, but at least you all have a job. I’m nothing but a glorified
35 gopher.
EFREM: (Moves to AJAX.) Nonsense, my lad. You are the sprite which
brightens my day and gives us all hope for the future of the theatre.
AJAX: Right, neither of which pays anything. You should’ve heard my
phone call to Mother last night. (Acts it out.) Hello, Mom? Great
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1 to hear your voice again. Can you send more money? The job’s
lasting longer than I thought.
MERCEDES: (To MAX.) I shall be in my dressing room if my agent calls.
MAX: Calls you what?
5 MERCEDES: The things I do for the theatre. (Crosses to the stairs.)
MAX: (Calls after MERCEDES.) And it’s a shared dressing room, your
grace, not yours.
MERCEDES: I should’ve stayed with the ice show. (EXITS up the stairs.)
POLLY: Ajax, you can’t quit. You have real talent.
10 EFREM: (Agrees.) Indeed.
POLLY: (Coy.) Else I wouldn’t waste my time on you.
AJAX: I know I could play Don Juan if I only had the chance. But no,
they gave the part to Burton Cavendish.
POLLY: He was hired by Mr. Oberclaw. We didn’t have anything to do
15 with it.
GOOSE: (ENTERS LEFT carrying a large notebook.) Okay, where did I
mess up this time? (Moves to MAX.)
MAX: Did you bring up the lights at the beginning of the play?
GOOSE: Yeah.
20 MAX: You messed up.
SKIPPY: Hey!
MAX: Just a joke, Skippy. (Looks through the notebook with GOOSE.)
SKIPPY: My name is Jeff! (To himself.) Why does everybody call me
“Skippy”?
25 AJAX: I could even do Burton Cavendish if I had to. (With a husky,
slightly English accent, limping as he delivers the line.) “There in the
ethos, awaits our fate and our fortune. We have only to partake
in this banquet if we could but see the signs.” (EFREM and POLLY
applaud this performance.)
30 LOU: (To MAX as she moves to Burton’s door.) Well, I’m going in!
MAX: If you’re not out in 10 minutes we’ll alert the directors union as
to where to send your effects.
LOU: I should’ve stayed with the ice show. (EXITS to Burton’s dressing
room.)
35 EFREM: A perfect characterization, my boy. I would swear you were the
genuine article. I even believed you had a wooden leg!
SKIPPY: (To the poker players.) You all think it’s a good play, right? (No
response from AGNES, CLAIRE, GINGER or YOLANDA.)
AJAX: (Moves CENTER.) Do you know it’s 63 steps from the stage door
40 to the stage? (Points OFF RIGHT.) I paced it off.
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1 POLLY: So?
AJAX: George M. Cohan wrote that it was “Forty-five Minutes to
Broadway.” That’s the easy part. It’s getting past those 63 steps
that’s the killer.
5 SKIPPY: Ladies? The play? Don’t you all think it will be a hit?
AGNES: Somebody say something to him.
CLAIRE: And hurry, I finally have a hand. (GINGER, YOLANDA and
AGNES throw in their hands.) Hey! (Rakes in the pot.)
GINGER: It’s a great show, Skippy.
10 CLAIRE: Yes, now go away.
SKIPPY: Oh, you’re just saying that.
AGNES: Why do I feel like we’re in some chick flick?
YOLANDA: Less talking, more betting. Ante! (CLAIRE, AGNES and
GINGER all ante.)
15 CLAIRE: Next time I get a pair, I’m going to make earrings out of them.
EFREM: (Sits on the steps.) Ajax, you’re still a young man.
AJAX: Not as young as I used to be.
EFREM: None of us are.
AGNES: You had any other work lately, Ginger?
20 GINGER: I did some voice-overs last month.
EFREM: In the theater you never know what will happen. The off-
chance of an opportunity.
AGNES: (To GINGER.) Yeah? What was it?
GINGER: You’ve actually heard me a lot.
25 EFREM: The toss of a coin— (Indicates the card game.) —the flip of
a card.
AGNES: When?
GINGER: (Does a deeper, resonant voice.) “Do you have any coupons?”
“Please remove the last item from the bag.”
30 CLAIRE: You’re the voice on those self-checkout machines at the
grocery stores?!
GINGER: (Still in the voice.) “Thank you and come again.”
EFREM: We are the children of the arts, my boy. “A man in his time
plays many parts” according to the Bard.
35 POLLY: Yes, and some of us believe in you.
AJAX: That’s all well and good, but…
OBERCLAW: (ENTERS through the archway, dressed in a tuxedo.) Okay,
everybody, we open in an hour, so where’s my leading man?
MAX: (Shoves the notebook into GOOSE’S hands and rushes to meet
40 OBERCLAW. GOOSE follows.) Mr. Oberclaw! What’re you doing here?
7
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1 OBERCLAW: I’m the producer, where else should I be? (SKIPPY sees
OBERCLAW and rushes over to him.)
AJAX: I don’t care what either of you say. My mind is made up.
POLLY: I never knew you were a quitter. (To EFREM.) Just goes to show
5 you. (Hugs EFREM.)
EFREM: (Comforts POLLY.) There, there, my dear.
SKIPPY: Good evening, Mr. Oberclaw.
OBERCLAW: Not now, Skippy.
SKIPPY: My name is… (OBERCLAW glares at him.) Skippy. You’re
10 right. Skippy. (Moves back to the poker game.) I don’t know why I
bother.
OBERCLAW: Now, where is Burton Cavendish? Why didn’t he show up
for the curtain call?
MAX: But… the thing is, well, you can’t see Mr. Cavendish right now.
15 OBERCLAW: I beg your pardon? Why not?
MAX: It’s… it’s… yeah, it’s bad luck.
GOOSE: He ought to know, sir. He’s the most superstitious person I
know. (MAX glares at him.) With good reason, of course.
OBERCLAW: What’s superstition got to do with it?
20 GOOSE: He follows all those superstitions. Never whistle backstage,
never walk under a black cat…
MAX: …never let anyone see the leading man on the day of the
opening.
OBERCLAW: I thought that was never see the bride on the day of the
25 wedding?
MAX: Same thing.
GOOSE: Yeah, they both whine all the time and want to be the center
of attention.
OBERCLAW: I never heard that.
30 MAX: You don’t want to jinx the show after all the money you’ve
invested in it. (SOUND EFFECT: TELEPHONE RING. GOOSE crosses
to it and picks up the receiver.)
OBERCLAW: Well, you all know more than I do about show business.
MAX: (Escorts OBERCLAW to the archway.) You just let us take care of
35 the show, and you handle the business.
OBERCLAW: Oh, very well.
GOOSE: (Into the receiver.) Theatre Baroque, backstage.
OBERCLAW: But tell him I’m depending on him. (Points a finger at
MAX.) I’d like to keep this place open. But if this show doesn’t
40 make a bundle, I’ll lose it, and it will become a parking lot.
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1 MAX: Yikes! Yes, sir, very well put, sir. (OBERCLAW EXITS through the
archway.)
GOOSE: Burton Cavendish? He’s… (MAX waves at GOOSE and shakes
his head vigorously.) …he’s shaking his head.
5 AJAX: Polly, look, you know how I feel about you.
POLLY: How?
AJAX: You know what we’ve talked about. (EFREM gently pulls POLLY’S
arms from around him and moves her to AJAX.)
POLLY: Yeah.
10 GOOSE: He’s… gone away. (MAX shakes his head.) He’s not gone
away. (MAX shakes his head again. Covers the mouthpiece.) Well,
give me something to work with here!
EFREM: You two play nice.
MAX: He can’t be disturbed!
15 GOOSE: What?
MAX: (Loud.) I said— (GOOSE holds the receiver up to MAX.) I said he
can’t be disturbed!
GOOSE: (Into the receiver.) You heard that? Sure, I’ll take a message.
(Pulls out a pen and starts to write on the wall.) Go ahead.
20 SKIPPY: (To CLAIRE, AGNES and GINGER.) This is my first play, you
know?
CLAIRE/AGNES/GINGER: Naaawwww!
GOOSE: Tell him if he doesn’t pay up, his what will be in a sling?
POLLY: Did you mean all those things you said last night?
25 AJAX: Of course I did. (Slight pause.) What did I say?
POLLY: You know! How we were meant for each other?
AJAX: I said that last night? (POLLY puts her hands on her hips and
glares at him.) I mean, I say that every night.
POLLY: (Falls under his spell.) Aw. (Hugs AJAX.)
30 EFREM: All the world loves a happy ending. (Unnoticed, LOU ENTERS
from Burton’s dressing room and grabs MAX.)
MAX: What? What is it? (LOU whispers something in his ear in an
animated fashion.) What?! (LOU points to Burton’s dressing room,
and MAX rushes OUT to the room. LOU watches the door, nervously.)
35 AJAX: Don’t you feel the same way?
POLLY: You know I do.
AJAX: And you trust me?
POLLY: Of course I do.
AJAX: Then you know I have to quit.
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1 POLLY: Of course I don’t. (SKIPPY lets out a large hiccup. The poker game
stops and AGNES, CLAIRE, GINGER and YOLANDA look at him.)
YOLANDA: What was that?
SKIPPY: Oh, no! Not now!— (Hiccup.) —I must be very nervous. This
5 always happens when— (Hiccup.) —I get very nervous.
AGNES: You get the hiccups?
SKIPPY: Uh— (Hiccup.) —huh.
CLAIRE: Do something.
GINGER: Hold your breath.
10 AGNES: Put a bag over your head.
CLAIRE: Does that work?
AGNES: It’s what I always do with my boyfriend.
CLAIRE: That’s what you have to do with your boyfriend. I’ve seen
him.
15 GINGER: Put your head between your knees. (SKIPPY bends over and
places his head between his knees, hiccups as he goes. EFREM
moves to SKIPPY.)
AGNES: He’s not that ugly.
CLAIRE: (To the OTHERS.) Right. At a costume party last year, he
20 went as the Elephant Man, and all he needed was a little eyebrow
pencil. (The card game resumes.)
EFREM: Breathe deeply, my boy.
SKIPPY: Agnes said to hold my breath.
EFREM: (Indicates his chest.) Trust me, you have to breathe. From your
25 diaphragm.
GOOSE: (Into the receiver.) I’m not sure I got all that.
AJAX: So you won’t go along with me on this?
POLLY: No! (Breaks the hug.)
AJAX: I guess you don’t trust me.
30 POLLY: Not when you’re making the biggest mistake of your life, I
don’t.
EFREM: Now, son, straighten up. (Helps SKIPPY up.)
AJAX: Why can’t you see it from my side?
POLLY: Always thinking of yourself!
35 AJAX: It’s my career. I have to think of myself!
GOOSE: Look, we have a show to do, pal. (Hangs up the receiver.)
AJAX: I guess there’s nothing more to say!
POLLY: I… I guess there isn’t. (Turns away from him.)
AJAX: Then I’ll just go.
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1 GOOSE: (Moves to LOU.) Some hoodlum says Cavendish owes him a
wad and he says— (LOU shushes him.) ’Scuse me.
EFREM: (To SKIPPY.) There. Are they gone now? (SKIPPY takes a couple
of deep breaths.)
5 POLLY: Fine. Go!
AJAX: I will! (Unseen by the OTHERS, MAX slowly ENTERS from Burton’s
dressing room, looks at LOU and shakes his head.)
LOU: You mean… he’s really…
MAX: He’s dead.
10 GOOSE: What?
AJAX: (Moves to the archway.) I’m going, then.
POLLY: Nobody’s stopping you.
LOU: Burton Cavendish, dead? Before we open?
AJAX: (Stops at the archway and turns back.) Well, as Mr. Cavendish
15 would say, (Impersonates Burton.) “I shall ne’er return this way nor
shall my likes be seen again.”
LOU: (Hears this and points at AJAX.) Stop that man! (GOOSE races
over and grabs AJAX. The poker game immediately halts.)
AJAX: What? What’re you doing?
20 GOOSE: When they holler at me, I do whatever they tell me. I’m a
techie. I’m programmed.
POLLY: (Moves to AJAX.) No, no. He wants to quit, just let him.
LOU: No! (Rushes to AJAX.) You want to go onstage, kid?
AJAX: Yeah!
25 LOU: You got your chance. Tonight you go on for Burton Cavendish!
AJAX: What?!
POLLY: Lou, you mean it?
AJAX: Tonight? The opening night? I’m going on for Cavendish?
LOU: We don’t have any choice. He just died!
30 AJAX/POLLY: What?
SKIPPY: (Starts to hiccup again.) Oh— (Hiccup.) —no!
YOLANDA: (Rises from the poker table with AGNES and GINGER. CLAIRE
remains seated.) He did what?
AGNES: Did you say that Cavendish died?
35 LOU: Yes, unfortunately I did. (Starts to pace DOWNSTAGE. POLLY looks
at AJAX. They hug.)
GOOSE: He’s dead?
MAX: I just checked him myself.
LOU: I tried CPR, but he’s a no-show.
11
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1 CLAIRE: (To other poker players.) Will you all sit down?
GINGER: Claire, a man just died!
CLAIRE: There’s nothing we can do about that, so let’s finish the game.
GINGER: (To AGNES.) She’s got a hand. (Throws in her hand
5 simultaneously with YOLANDA and AGNES.)
CLAIRE: I don’t believe this! (Puts her hand down.) That’s only the
second straight flush I’ve ever had.
YOLANDA: Didn’t you hear? The man’s dead!
CLAIRE: (Woeful, at her hand.) He better be. (EFREM, GINGER,
10 YOLANDA, AGNES, SKIPPY and CLAIRE all move to LOU.)
GOOSE: You absolutely sure he’s dead?
MAX: You know how he always complains, asking for money or berating
everyone in sight?
GOOSE: Yeah?
15 MAX: He’s not doing any of that anymore.
GOOSE: He must be dead, all right.
EFREM: We should call a doctor, don’t you think?
MAX: I don’t think that will help now.
SKIPPY: I think this is a bad— (Hiccup.) —omen.
20 AGNES: (To SKIPPY.) You think?
CLAIRE: It already jinxed my poker hand.
AGNES: Will you let go of that?
AJAX: I know I wanted to go on for him, but I never wanted it like this.
LOU: We don’t have any choice now.
25 YOLANDA: What do we do?
SKIPPY: (Hiccup.) Sorry.
GINGER: Yeah, do we make some announcement before the show?
LOU: If we do that, everyone will want their money back. He’s our
draw.
30 GINGER: Oh, right.
AGNES: Didn’t think of that.
LOU: (Thinks.) No money, no show—and the whole place becomes a
park-and-ride. No, the show must go on.
GOOSE: Who said that, anyway?
35 LOU: P.T. Barnum.
LOU: So no announcement.
AGNES: That’s a little callous, don’t you think, Lou?
LOU: You want to get paid?
12
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1 AGNES: (Suddenly agreeable.) No announcement.
LOU: If only he’d done this one performance. Just one more
performance.
POLLY: (To AJAX.) You’ll be filling some very large shoes.
5 AJAX: I know.
EFREM: (To SKIPPY.) Your exercises, remember your exercises.
SKIPPY: Oh, yeah! (Again bends over and puts his head between his
legs. GOOSE watches him.)
10 GINGER: I was depending on this paycheck.
AGNES: I got two brothers and a couple of boyfriends to support.
AJAX: So I go on for those people who stay to see the show? Is that
what you’re saying? (LOU is deep in thought.) Lou?
YOLANDA: Don’t bother the master when she’s thinking.
15 EFREM: (To SKIPPY.) Breathe deeply.
POLLY: Ajax, you’ll do a great job. And if the critics are here—
MAX: (Thunderstruck.) The critics!
GOOSE: (To SKIPPY.) Burying your head isn’t going to help, you know.
LOU: (An inspiration.) Wait a minute! He does do one more
20 performance!
MAX: Who?
LOU: Burton Cavendish?
MAX: (Slight pause.) How? We wheel him out and hire a
ventriloquist?
25 LOU: (Snaps her fingers.) We don’t tell anyone he died until after the
show! (Moves to AJAX.)
AJAX: What?!
EFREM: So, if I am to infer your meaning, young Ajax becomes
Cavendish for one night and then—
30 LOU: Then the show becomes known as Burton Cavendish’s final
performance. It’ll go down in history.
CLAIRE: That might work.
LOU: We’ll be sold out for months!
SKIPPY: (Stops hiccupping and straightens up.) Hey! They’re gone!
35 (EFREM pats him on the back.)
AJAX: Let me understand this. I don’t perform the role as his
understudy? I’m supposed to pretend to be Burton Cavendish?
LOU: You got it, kid.
AJAX: Yeah, but—
13
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1 POLLY: You can do it, Ajax. I know you can.
EFREM: (Thinks to himself.) Barnum was right.
GOOSE: About the show must go on?
EFREM: No, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”
5 AJAX: I’m not sure if I can pull it off.
EFREM: (Motions for AJAX to join him.) A word in your shell-like ear,
Ajax.
AJAX: Sure, Mr. Lockhart. (Moves LEFT with EFREM.)
LOU: But everyone here has to agree to keep this under their hats.
10 AGNES: Right. We can’t tell anyone.
GINGER: Mum’s the word.
CLAIRE: I don’t know… I had a straight flush. (AGNES and GINGER
lean into her and glare.) Okay. Okay! I won’t say a thing!
EFREM: Now, I don’t want to add any undue pressure on you, but you
15 must remember, my boy, all of us—as well as the very existence of
this theatre—are depending on you.
MAX: (Moves to LOU.) Wait a minute! After we do the show and some
doctor examines Cavendish, won’t he figure out when he died?
And figure out he was gone before the show even started?
20 GOOSE: Yeah, they have all this forensics stuff now that can tell exactly
when a man died. (EVERYONE looks at him.) Hey, so I watch “CSI.”
LOU: Oh, right.
MAX: They’re bound to figure out when the old geezer croaked.
LOU: I’m thinking, I’m thinking!
25 EFREM: After all, this theatre is our home.
AJAX: Metaphorically speaking, yes.
EFREM: Not just metaphorically, I’m afraid. (AJAX stares at EFREM.)
POLLY: Hold it! Cavendish was always telling me that he never went
to doctors.
30 LOU: So?
POLLY: He also mentioned once that his temperature always ran high.
Just over a hundred, in fact.
GOOSE: Oh, I see where you’re going with this! They always go by
how much a guy’s temperature has dropped to figure out when he
35 died.
POLLY: So if they don’t know it was high to begin with…
AJAX: (To EFREM.) You mean… you really live in this theatre?
EFREM: After my wife died I sort of moved in here. It’s quite
comfortable—the only abode which really suits me.
For preview only

1 LOU: …then that will buy us the two or three hours we need to do the
show!
AJAX: (Turns to the OTHERS.) Okay, Lou. I’ll do it!
LOU: Great! (Rushes over and grabs AJAX.) You can do it. You’ll be
5 great. (Moves AJAX over to the OTHERS.)
POLLY: Nobody can do Cavendish like you.
YOLANDA: Yeah, not even him.
AJAX: Besides, it’ll look great on my resume! (ALL stare at him for a
moment.)
10 MAX: (To LOU.) You want to tell him?
LOU: I thought he understood. (MAX and LOU look at POLLY.)
POLLY: (Reluctant.) Oh, let me. (Takes AJAX’S hand.) Shug, you can’t
put this on your resume.
AJAX: What?
15 POLLY: That’s what we’ve all been saying here. Nobody can ever find
out you’re doing this.
AJAX: What do you mean, nobody can ever find out?
MAX: For this to work.
LOU: You… have to keep Burton Cavendish alive for just a little while
20 longer. And for the rest of your life, when you tell this story, you
were only the understudy. You can never tell anyone differently.
AJAX: You mean… you mean I go out there and give the performance of
my life, and nobody will ever know? (Looks around at the OTHERS.)
LOU: Nobody. Just us. (Looks at the OTHERS.) And we won’t say a
25 word. Right? (GINGER, YOLANDA and AGNES lean into CLAIRE.)
CLAIRE: Right!
AJAX: (Moves DOWNSTAGE a couple of steps.) Oh, I don’t know about
this.
POLLY: Ajax, it’s for a good cause. You know it is.
30 AJAX: I know but… (Turns and sees EFREM, who is watching him intently.
Thinks and then looks back at the OTHERS.) Okay, I’ll do it.
LOU: (Grabs AJAX.) Great! Wonderful! Now get those glasses off and
let’s get you in costume! (Moves AJAX to Burton’s dressing room.)
AJAX: (Indicates Burton’s dressing room.) Wait, I have to go in there?
35 Where he is?
LOU: He won’t bother you. Yolanda!
YOLANDA: Present.
LOU: You get in there too to make sure all Burton’s costumes fit
Ajax.
40 YOLANDA: Me?
15
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1 LOU: You’re in charge of costumes, aren’t you?
YOLANDA: Oh, yeah. I forgot. (To AJAX.) Let’s go, Skippy.
AJAX: Ajax!
SKIPPY: Yeah, I’m Skippy! (Catches himself.) No, wait!
5 AJAX: Wait, what about Mr. Cavendish’s size? He’s taller than I am.
And has those broad shoulders.
LOU: So stand up straight.
YOLANDA: The broad shoulders come with the suit, trust me.
LOU: Now get in there! (Opens Burton’s door and pushes AJAX OFF.)
10 YOLANDA: The rest of you, get into your costumes. (EXITS to Burton’s
dressing room.)
LOU: We just have time to run through a quick blocking session before
curtain.
POLLY: Maybe I better get in there too, for moral support.
15 AGNES: Go ahead.
GINGER: You’re the only one around here with morals. (Looks at
CLAIRE.)
CLAIRE: Why does everybody always look at me?
LOU: Go! (POLLY EXITS to Burton’s dressing room. GINGER, AGNES and
20 CLAIRE move to the stairs.)
SKIPPY: I’m not sure this is going to work.
LOU: (Rushes over to SKIPPY.) It’ll work. And you don’t know anything!
SKIPPY: Oh, I can do that. I think.
MAX: (Indicates SKIPPY.) Goose, take him somewhere and do
25 something with him.
GOOSE: (Moves to SKIPPY.) Let’s go, Skip. I’ll buy you an ice cream
cone.
SKIPPY: With sprinkles? (EXITS through the archway with GOOSE.)
EFREM: I’ll go run lines with the lad, just to be on the safe side.
30 LOU: Good thinking, Mr. Lockhart. I knew I could count on you. (EFREM
EXITS to Burton’s dressing room.)
GINGER: (At the stairs.) I just thought of something.
LOU: Max, you come with me!
MAX: What for?
35 LOU: We have to figure out what comes after the show. You know, who
finds Cavendish? Who calls it in? That kind of thing.
MAX: Oh, right! (EXITS LEFT into the wings with LOU.)
GINGER: (To AGNES.) Mercedes hasn’t been told anything about all this.
CLAIRE: I forgot all about her.
16
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1 AGNES: I don’t want to tell her.
CLAIRE: Me neither. Whenever she talks to me it’s like—(Haughty.)
—she’s addressing her maid.
GINGER: Wait a minute.
5 AGNES: What?
GINGER: Let’s not tell her.
CLAIRE/AGNES: What?
GINGER: This will make it the supreme test for Ajax. If he can fool her,
then we’ll know we’ve got a chance to pull this off.
10 CLAIRE: Okay… I guess.
GINGER: (To CLAIRE.) Besides, she talks to me like that, too.
AGNES: Her dressing room, she calls it.
GINGER: Right. So nobody tells her.
CLAIRE: Gotcha.
15 GINGER: After all, what could possibly go wrong? (EXITS up the stairs.)
AGNES: (Unsure, to CLAIRE.) Yeah… what? (Shrugs with GINGER as
they EXIT up the stairs. BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene One
ACT ONE
Scene Two
LIGHTS UP: STAGE LIGHTS UP FULL. Half hour later. POLLY stands
at Burton’s door and holds it open just a crack to look through it.
20 YOLANDA sits at the card table playing solitaire. She plays a few cards
and then looks over at POLLY.
YOLANDA: How’s your boyfriend doing?
POLLY: (Looks at YOLANDA.) He seems to know everything.
YOLANDA: Yeah, right. Now he’s fine but it’s a different story when
25 there’s an audience out there. (Looks OFF UPSTAGE.) Assuming we
have an audience.
POLLY: No, there are people out there. They opened the house 15
minutes ago.
YOLANDA: Then we’re committed. Or should be. You think he’ll be
30 able to pull it off?
POLLY: I have supreme faith in Ajax. (Slight pause.) And just in case, I
got this. (Picks up a script from the prop table.) Even though we’ve
been off script for weeks and Max had us get all the scripts out of
the theatre, I’ve kept this one stashed. If Ajax misses a line, I can
35 cue him from the wings.
MAX: (ENTERS LEFT through wings, followed by LOU, who moves directly
to Burton’s dressing room.) Getting to be a nice crowd out there.
17
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1 POLLY: (Sets the script down on the prop table and moves to MAX.)
Max, you really think he can come off like Cavendish?
MAX: That’s what we’re all betting on, sweetie pie.
YOLANDA: If he doesn’t come off like Cavendish— (Whistles a
5 decrescendo, indicating bad news.)
MAX: (Waves his hands.) Don’t whistle backstage! (Rushes to YOLANDA
and yanks her to her feet.) It’s bad luck!
YOLANDA: What’re you doing?
MAX: Spin around three times and spit.
10 YOLANDA: What?
MAX: Spin around three times and spit.
YOLANDA: Sounds like my wedding ceremony.
MAX: Just do it! (YOLANDA turns in a circle three times slowly.)
SKIPPY: (ENTERS through the archway.) Well, so far so good.
15 POLLY: Yeah, keep a good thought.
SKIPPY: (Next to YOLANDA.) At least I don’t have the hiccups—that’s
a good sign. (YOLANDA stops spinning and spits to her left at
SKIPPY’S feet.) Hey!
YOLANDA: Oh, sorry, kid.
20 MAX: It’s for good luck.
SKIPPY: Spitting on my shoes? That’s good luck? (Pulls out a
handkerchief and wipes a shoe.)
MAX: Where have you been?
SKIPPY: Checking with the box office. (MERCEDES ENTERS down the
25 stairs dressed in a ball gown and carrying a fan.)
MAX: What for?
SKIPPY: To see which critics will be here tonight.
MAX: I forgot about the critics.
MERCEDES: (To YOLANDA.) This dress pinches me, I would like you
30 to know.
YOLANDA: I took your measurements at the beginning of rehearsal.
If it doesn’t fit now you have spent too much time at the buffet
table.
MERCEDES: Well! (Snaps open the fan and fans herself.)
35 MAX: (Moves to MERCEDES.) You know what to do, right, Mercedes?
MERCEDES: Miss Boatright, if you please.
MAX: Just don’t louse it up.
MERCEDES: I, sir, am a professional. I don’t louse up! (Moves RIGHT,
keeps adjusting her costume during the next few speeches.)
For preview only

1 POLLY: What did you and Lou decide about later?
MAX: We’re working on it. Let’s just get through opening night first.
MERCEDES: (To herself.) There’s a pin sticking me somewhere.
EFREM: (ENTERS through the archway dressed head to toe in a safari
5 outfit, complete with a pith helmet, holster and pistol.) I trust I have
assembled my costume correctly.
YOLANDA: (Looks at him.) Ah, it’s Captain Spalding. Great. If the
audience gets out of hand, you can fire at them.
MAX: (Moves to EFREM.) Where did you change clothes?
10 EFREM: What? (Quickly covers.) Oh, I found a spot to dress that
wouldn’t be in anyone’s way. Besides— (Uncomfortable. Clears
his throat.) —I’m pretty familiar with this particular theatre. (MAX
stares at him. EFREM moves to MERCEDES.) My, my, Miss Boatright,
don’t you look the Southern belle.
15 MERCEDES: Thank you, Mr. Lockhart. (Turns her back on EFREM.) Do
I have anything sticking out in the back? (EFREM looks at her rear
and then at MAX.)
MAX: Sometimes she just makes it too easy, doesn’t she?
MERCEDES: (Indignant.) I was addressing Mr. Lockhart! (To EFREM.)
20 Do you see any open safety pins?
YOLANDA: I do not use safety pins.
MERCEDES: Then what, pray tell, would you use if my costume
suddenly ripped open?
YOLANDA: Rivets.
25 LOU: (ENTERS from Burton’s dressing room.) Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Burton Cavendish. (AJAX ENTERS. He wears a red smoking
jacket with broad shoulders, grey slacks and slippers, as well as a
grey wig, grey mustache and black eye patch.)
POLLY: Wow, you look great!
30 MERCEDES: (Disgusted.) Now he has to be announced whenever he
enters the room?
AJAX: (As Burton.) Let the play commence. And let the chips fall where
they may.
MAX: (Impressed.) Wow, he sounds great.
35 LOU: I’m telling you, he is really going to stop the show.
MERCEDES: Oh, please!
AJAX: Now, if my public will pardon me, I shall endeavor to get into
character. (Makes a sweeping bow and EXITS back to Burton’s
dressing room.)
40 POLLY: I’ll help you.
19
For preview only

1 MERCEDES: Right, no sense letting him actually do any work on his
own.
LOU: (Grabs POLLY’S arm.) Keep building up his confidence.
POLLY: I’ll do what I can. (EXITS to Burton’s dressing room.)
5 SKIPPY: (To LOU.) Do you really think he’ll be a hit?
MERCEDES: (To SKIPPY.) Why aren’t you concerned about the rest of us,
young man? After all, we have to act with the great man, you know.
LOU: Mercedes, will you just get ready?
MERCEDES: I, sir, am always ready. (Moves LEFT and begins limbering
10 up her face, making comical expressions in the process.)
LOU: Where’s the rest of the cast?
MAX: Still in their dressing room.
LOU: Just make sure they all get on. We can’t have any slip-ups tonight.
(HATTIE ENTERS through the archway.)
15 EFREM: I shall go and see if the ladies are ready.
LOU: Very kind of you, Mr. Lockhart. (EFREM EXITS up the stairs.)
HATTIE: Excuse me?
LOU: Oh, now what? (Grabs SKIPPY and shoves him toward HATTIE.) Go
see who that is and what she wants?
20 SKIPPY: (Meekly.) Yes, sir. (Moves to HATTIE.)
MAX: (Into his headset.) How much time do we have, Goose?
SKIPPY: May I help you, ma’am?
HATTIE: Oh, I don’t want to cause any bother. I was just hoping to see
my son before the show.
25 SKIPPY: Your son?
HATTIE: Yes, I thought I’d surprise him.
LOU: (To MAX.) Tell Goose we want to start on time. No holding the
curtain tonight.
SKIPPY: Who’s your son?
30 HATTIE: Oh, I do apologize for my manners. I haven’t introduced myself
yet. I’m Hattie Perkins, Ajax’s mother. He works here, doesn’t he?
SKIPPY: (Panicked.) What? (Hiccups and slaps both hands over his
mouth.) They’re back!
HATTIE: Oh, dear! (SKIPPY bends over again.)
35 MAX: (Into the headset.) Goose, wait for my cue to kill the house lights
and bring up the stage.
LOU: (Moves to HATTIE.) What is it now?
SKIPPY: This lady— (Hiccup.) —wants to see her son! (Hiccup.)
LOU: What? (Bends over to talk to SKIPPY.) What did you say?
40 HATTIE: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
20
For preview only

1 LOU: You know my doctor told me I’ve got back problems, and this isn’t
helping. (Straightens up and pulls SKIPPY to a standing position.)
What did you say?
SKIPPY: This is— (Hiccup.) —Ajax’s mother. She wants to see—
5 (Hiccup.) —him. (Hiccups during the next few speeches.)
LOU: Uuuuuh… (To HATTIE, offering her hand.) Hello, I’m Lou, the
director of the play.
HATTIE: Hello.
LOU: If you’ll excuse me, ma’am, I’ll just go see if I can find him.
10 (Moves to Burton’s dressing room and knocks on the door.)
HATTIE: Of course. (Moves to MERCEDES and watches her make faces.)
LOU: Oh, Polly? Can you come out here a minute? (Burton’s door
opens and POLLY looks IN.)
POLLY: What is it, Lou?
15 LOU: Ajax’s mother is here.
POLLY: His mother?!
HATTIE: (To MERCEDES.) Do you have the hiccups, too?
MERCEDES: What?
LOU: Let’s test the boy. Get him out here. If he can fool his own
20 mother—
POLLY: You’re crazy! It’s his mother! (LOU glares at her.) Well, you’re
the director. (Closes the door.)
HATTIE: You’re making some rather odd faces. I just thought—
MERCEDES: These are called isometrics. They exercise the face
25 muscles and keep me looking young.
HATTIE: They must work wonders. You don’t look a day over 50!
MERCEDES: (Stops her exercises and fixes HATTIE with a withering
stare.) I am 46!
YOLANDA: You told me you were 38.
30 MERCEDES: What? (Catches herself.) Oh, yes, of course. I mean I’m
38. It’s my character who’s 46. I play the aging ingénue, you know.
YOLANDA: No such thing. (Rises.) You play an old lady in the show.
MERCEDES: What?! (YOLANDA picks up the script and thumbs through
a few pages.)
35 MERCEDES: (Moves to SKIPPY.) Mr. Playwright!
SKIPPY: (Gasps, focused on his breathing.) What now?
MERCEDES: What is your description of my character in this play of
yours? Here I’ve been working for weeks on my art, and now there
have been some aspersions cast upon my age!
40 SKIPPY: (Feels his chest.) They’re gone. My hiccups are gone. The
description of your aspersion cast upon… what?
21
For preview only

1 MERCEDES: Oh, never mind. (Moves back to YOLANDA.)
YOLANDA: Yeah, according to this, you play an aging dowager who
thinks she’s an ingénue.
MERCEDES: (Grabs the script.) Let me see that! (Reads the script.)
5 AJAX: (ENTERS from Burton’s dressing room, unseen by the OTHERS.
POLLY ENTERS after him. Quiet, to LOU.) What is it, Lou?
LOU: Your mother is here.
AJAX: My mother?
LOU: Here’s your chance, kid. Baptism by fire. Go meet her.
10 AJAX: What’re you saying?
LOU: If you can convince your own mother that you’re Burton Cavendish,
then we know we can pull this off.
MERCEDES: Skippy!
SKIPPY: Coming! (Moves to MERCEDES.)
15 AJAX: She did say she had always wanted to meet Burton Cavendish.
POLLY: So make her dream come true. It’s the only way it will ever
happen now.
AJAX: Good point. (As Burton, holds out both hands and moves to
HATTIE.) Mrs. Perkins.
20 HATTIE: (Turns.) Yes? (Sees AJAX.) Mr. Cavendish! (LOU elbows POLLY
and winks at her.)
AJAX: Why, somebody is pulling my leg. You cannot be Ajax’s mother.
You must be his younger sister.
HATTIE: Oh, Mr. Cavendish! (Shy. Lowers her head and holds out her
25 hand. AJAX kisses it.) Oh my!
MERCEDES: (To SKIPPY.) This says I’m an aging dowager!
SKIPPY: Yes, ma’am, that’s why you got the part.
MERCEDES: I had no idea! (Thinks.) What’s a dowager?
YOLANDA: An old bat.
30 MERCEDES: I’m asking the author! (Smiles and speaks to SKIPPY.
Gentle.) Let’s you and me go have a chat about this character.
(Takes SKIPPY’S arm and they EXIT LEFT into the wings.)
HATTIE: Mr. Cavendish, I have seen all your movies. I am your biggest
fan.
35 AJAX: Please, call me Burton.
HATTIE: Oh, Mr. Cavendish! (Swoons, turns and falls into AJAX’S arms.)
LOU: (Finger in the air.) Now we have a chance.
AJAX: Will somebody help me here?
LOU: (With POLLY, rushes to AJAX.) Let’s get her to a chair.
For preview only

1 AJAX: Hurry! (He, LOU and POLLY move the swooning HATTIE to the
card table and deposit her in a chair.)
HATTIE: Oh, my!
AJAX: Just relax, my dear.
5 YOLANDA: You want me to deal her a hand?
LOU: Will you knock it off?
AJAX: (To HATTIE.) I believe you were overcome by these hot lights.
HATTIE: (Coy, to AJAX.) Not just the lights, Mr. Cavendish. I mean
Burton. (Giggles.)
10 POLLY: Just take deep breaths, Mrs. Perkins, and then you’ll feel
better.
HATTIE: Thank you. You are…
POLLY: Polly Boone.
HATTIE: Oh! You’re Ajax’s girlfriend. He has spoken about you often.
15 POLLY: He has? (Eyes AJAX.) What has he said about me?
AJAX: I’m afraid there’s no time for that sort of thing just now. (HATTIE
looks at him.) It’s my opening, you know. Have to get ready to go
on, that sort of thing.
POLLY: Oh, I think we can take a few minutes to hear what the lady
20 has to say.
HATTIE: By the way, where is Ajax?
MAX: (Into his headset.) What? Five minutes? Right. (Moves to the
stairs.)
POLLY: Ajax? Oh, he’s… he’s…
25 LOU: Oh, I found out he’s running a few last-minute errands, Mrs.
Perkins. (TYLER ENTERS through the archway.)
MAX: (Yells up the stairs.) Ladies! Five minutes! Everybody down here
and go to your places for Act One.
TYLER: (Pompous.) Well, well, well, I see the joint is jumpin’.
30 LOU: Tyler Barrington!
POLLY: What? (Turns and sees TYLER.)
LOU: (To POLLY.) Critic for “The Times.” (Rushes to TYLER.) Sir, what’re
you doing backstage?
TYLER: Just wanted to have a few words with your star.
35 HATTIE: Tyler Barrington?
AJAX: You know him… uh, Mrs. Perkins?
HATTIE: Just what reviews of his I have read. (Leans in to AJAX.) He
can be a tad brutal at times, you know.
AJAX: (Swallows.) I know.
23
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1 TYLER: (Moves to AJAX.) Well, Burton. How nice to see you… in a
vertical position for a change.
LOU: Now, Tyler, don’t start. Please! (Follows TYLER to AJAX.)
TYLER: Why not? Unless you’re hiding something.
5 LOU: What would we be hiding?
HATTIE: Oh, Mr. Barrington, I have read all your reviews.
TYLER: Of course. Now, Burton—
HATTIE: (Interrupts TYLER.) You know you can make or break a
show—
10 TYLER: That’s true. Now, Burton—
HATTIE: Everyone here I know will be hanging on your every word, so
I was thinking—
TYLER: (Snaps at HATTIE.) Madam, if you’re here I’m surprised you
can think at all.
15 AJAX: What?
TYLER: Of course you need me to tell you what to think. (This infuriates
AJAX.)
MAX: (Yells up the stairs again.) Ladies! Down here and right now!
TYLER: Now, Burton—
20 AJAX: (Still in character, to TYLER.) Sir, this lady was trying to give you
a compliment, and you attack her? Just who do you think you are?
I’ll tell you who you are!
LOU: (Waves frantically behind TYLER to get AJAX’S attention.) Mr.
Cavendish…
25 AJAX: You are nothing but some pompous, third rate journalist who
spends his time trashing those with real talent in some misguided
effort to conceal the fact that you have none yourself!
TYLER: (Taken aback.) I was simply—
AJAX: You were simply behaving like the arrogant bully you are!
30 (Moves to Burton’s dressing room. EVERYONE watches. AJAX stops
and turns back.) And it’s Mr. Cavendish to you! (EXITS to Burton’s
dressing room, slams the door behind him.)
YOLANDA: Ah, don’t you just love live theatre?
LOU: Now, Tyler, you have to realize that everyone is on edge just now,
35 what with it being opening night and all and—
TYLER: (Irate.) No need to apologize for him! (Moves to the archway,
stops and looks back.) I see Burton Cavendish is back to being his
old self! (EXITS through the archway.)
LOU: (Moves to POLLY.) Perfect! We’re a hit! (Moves to YOLANDA.)
40 Yolanda!
24
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1 YOLANDA: I know, I know, go up and get the ladies. (Moves to the
stairs.) I guess I should check on their costumes as well.
LOU: (Sarcastic.) Oh, good idea… since you are the costumer.
YOLANDA: Picky, picky, picky. (EXITS up the stairs.)
5 MAX: Lou, two minutes!
LOU: Right. Polly, why don’t you show Mrs. Perkins to her seat? (Moves
to Burton’s door and knocks.)
POLLY: My pleasure. (Moves to HATTIE.) Mrs. Perkins, you have your
ticket?
10 HATTIE: (Goes through her purse.) Right here. (Pulls out a ticket.)
POLLY: Fine. I can take you out this way if you’ll just follow me.
HATTIE: But I was hoping to see Ajax before—
POLLY: As soon as he gets back I’ll let him know you’re here, if that’s
all right.
15 HATTIE: (Rises.) Of course. (Moves LEFT with POLLY to the wings.)
POLLY: Now, just what has Ajax been saying about me?
HATTIE: Oh, you know! (Giggles and EXITS LEFT with POLLY.)
AJAX: (ENTERS from Burton’s dressing room. Sheepish.) I am so sorry,
Lou. But when he went after my mom—
20 LOU: Forget it, kid, you sold it. Tyler bought the whole package. Even
said Cavendish is back to his old self.
AJAX: (Impressed.) Really? Say, maybe I am a good actor after all.
LOU: (Opens the UP RIGHT set door.) Don’t get cocky, kid. Get ready
for the opening tableau. (Shoves AJAX, who EXITS UP RIGHT. Closes
25 door.)
CLAIRE: (ENTERS down the stairs dressed in a man’s tuxedo, with
GINGER dressed as a cheerleader and AGNES dressed as a Roman
centurion, complete with armor breastplate and helmet.) Anybody
up for dinner at Luigi’s after the show?
30 AGNES: Let’s just get through the show first.
GINGER: I’m hungry now.
CLAIRE: You’re always hungry.
AGNES: Funny, I feel just like Russell Crowe in “Gladiator.”
GINGER: Funny, you don’t look like Russell Crowe.
35 LOU: (Moves to them.) Get in line and let’s take a look at you. (CLAIRE,
AGNES and GINGER line up.) Where are the others?
EFREM: (ENTERS down the stairs.) Right here, Lou.
LOU: Where’s Mercedes? (Yells up the stairs.) Mercedes?
MERCEDES: (ENTERS through the wings with SKIPPY. She no longer
40 has the script.) I’m right here, there’s no need to yell!
25
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1 LOU: Get in line.
EFREM: (Moves to the end of the line with MERCEDES.) Your wish is
my command.
LOU: (Looks at the line up.) Wow, this is one weird play.
5 GINGER: Haven’t we been telling you?
SKIPPY: Hey, I’m right here!
AGNES: No offense, Skippy.
SKIPPY: I do wish you all knew my real name.
LOU: Fine, you all look fine. (Opens the UP CENTER set door.) Everybody
10 onstage. (AGNES, CLAIRE, GINGER, MERCEDES and EFREM file OUT
the door and LOU closes it.)
POLLY: (ENTERS LEFT through the wings.) I got an usher to show Mrs.
Perkins to her seat.
MAX: (Into his headset.) Almost ready here, Goose. (POLLY looks at
15 the prop table for the script. She cannot find it and looks under the
table.)
LOU: Here we go. (PETE ENTERS through the archway and looks
around.)
MAX: We ready now?
20 LOU: Fine, let’s— (Turns and sees PETE.) Oh, now who’s that?
MAX: I never saw him before.
LOU: Don’t we have somebody manning the stage door?
MAX: That’s what Ajax did… until he got promoted.
POLLY: (Anxious.) Where is that script?
25 LOU: Just find out who he is and get rid of him. Skippy!
SKIPPY: Jeffrey!
LOU: Whatever. Let’s get to the back of the theatre to take notes.
SKIPPY: Right with you. (EXITS LEFT with LOU.)
MAX: (To PETE.) Hey, pal!
30 PETE: (Stern.) Are you referring to me?
MAX: Over here! (PETE moves to MAX.)
POLLY: (Panics. To herself.) Where is that script? I’ve got to find it in
case Ajax forgets his lines! (EXITS up the stairs.)
MAX: What’re you doing backstage?
35 PETE: I am here seeking one Burton Cavendish.
MAX: He’s onstage about to start the play.
PETE: I have business—urgent business—with Mr. Cavendish.
MAX: What sort of business?
PETE: He owes my boss a bundle.
For preview only

1 MAX: (Eyes widen.) What?
PETE: (Slams a fist into his other open hand.) And I am here to see he
pays up… tonight!
MAX: (Quickly, into his headset.) What, Goose? Ready? Lights out!
5 (Looks at PETE. Meek.) For somebody! (BLACKOUT. CURTAIN.)
End of ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene One
LIGHTS UP: BLUE TINTED LIGHTS UP ONSTAGE along with DON JUAN
LIGHTS UP. It is about an hour later, and the first act of “Don Juan in
Cleveland” is nearing the end. MAX and POLLY stand near the prop
table and eye PETE. PETE sits at the card table and plays cards with
10 YOLANDA.
MAX: (Looks at his watch.) Coming up on the end of Act One. Ajax
hasn’t missed a line.
POLLY: (To herself.) Thank goodness. (To MAX. Quiet.) What did that
guy over there say again? (Nods toward PETE.)
15 MAX: Only that Cavendish owes somebody a bundle and better pay up
tonight. He sounds very sincere, if you know what I mean.
PETE: (Anxious, to YOLANDA.) Well? You gonna call or what?
YOLANDA: (Eyes her hand.) No, I’m gonna raise! (Throws in a bill.)
PETE: What? (Eyes his hand.)
20 POLLY: So that means when Ajax comes off the stage that guy will—
MAX: (Nods rapidly.) ’fraid so.
PETE: Okay, I call. (Throws in a bill.) What’ve you got?
YOLANDA: Three kings! (Shows her hand.)
PETE: This just ain’t my night! (Throws his hand down and YOLANDA
25 sweeps the pot.)
MERCEDES: (ENTERS UP RIGHT, delivers line—loudly—back to the
Don Juan set.) You cannot toy with my affections in such a manner.
After all, I left the monastery just to be with you. (Closes the door
and looks at MAX in a huffy fashion.) My spotlight was late!
30 MAX: (Still eyes PETE.) Maybe you were early.
MERCEDES: (Moves to MAX.) Didn’t you hear what I just said?
MAX: Yeah, yeah, I’ll add it to the list. Mercedes’ complaints, volume
two. (MERCEDES glares at MAX.)
YOLANDA: You care to play another one?
35 PETE: I don’t know. I’m running more than somewhat low in funds
here. Do you, by any chance, take IOUs?
27
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1 YOLANDA: What do you have for collateral?
PETE: People are so cynical these days. (Looks over at MAX.) Hey!
You!
MAX: (Rushes over to PETE.) Who, sir? Me, sir?
5 PETE: Yes, sir. You, sir. When’s that Cavendish guy coming back here?
POLLY: (Rushes over to PETE.) Oh, not for some time yet. He could be
out there for hours.
MERCEDES: What are you two babbling on about? The first act is just
about over.
10 PETE: Huh?
MERCEDES: He’ll be out here in just a few minutes. (POLLY moves to
MERCEDES.)
PETE: (Grabs MAX.) That’s what I thought! I don’t want anybody trying
anything funny with me.
15 MAX: Funny? You mean funny “ha-ha” or funny “curious”?
PETE: Pick one!
POLLY: (To MERCEDES.) Are you trying to get someone killed? (Grabs
MERCEDES’ arm.)
MERCEDES: What are you raving about now? (Frees her arm.) And let
20 go of my arm!
GINGER: (ENTERS UP CENTER with her back to the AUDIENCE. Delivers
line to the Don Juan set.) And I thought I meant something to you!
Now I find out that you want me around to cheer you up! (Slams the
door and looks at the OTHERS.) Hey, I just got that line.
25 MAX: (Into his headset.) What, Goose?
GINGER: (Sees PETE.) Say, who’s the new guy?
POLLY: Ginger, not now!
MERCEDES: If anyone wants me— (Attempts to “float” over to the stairs.)
—I shall be in my dressing room. (Trips and falls on the stairs.)
30 YOLANDA: Say, weren’t you with the Ballet Russe?
MERCEDES: Shut up, you! (Haughty. Stomps OUT up the stairs.)
MAX: Right, coming up on the end— (PETE hears this, looks at MAX
and jumps to his feet.) —I mean, wait for my cue. (PETE moves to
MAX. GINGER watches PETE, sizing him up.)
35 PETE: What was you about to say just now?
MAX: Who, sir? Me, sir?
PETE: Yes sir, you—stop that!
GINGER: Say, he moves pretty good for a big guy.
POLLY: (An inspiration.) Yes, he does! (Leans in to GINGER.) And he
40 told me he just loves actresses.
28
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1 GINGER: Really? (Moves to PETE.)
CLAIRE: (ENTERS UP LEFT. Faces UPSTAGE, speaks OFF.) I don’t care
who told you that, I am not the head waiter. (Closes the doors and
exhales deeply.) One down, one to go. (Moves to YOLANDA.)
5 GINGER: (To PETE.) Say, what’s your name, hunkus?
PETE: Huh? (GINGER puts her arm in his.) Oh, uh… (Thinks.) Pete!
Yeah, that’s right, Pete.
GINGER: Well, well, well, aren’t you a big one for a stage door Johnny?
PETE: Not Johnny. Pete. Ain’t you listening?
10 CLAIRE: What’s with King Kong over there?
YOLANDA: He’s here to collect from Cavendish. Apparently, our star
owes somebody who’s not very nice a crowd of coins.
GINGER: You know, I just love big guys!
PETE: (Embarrassed.) Ah, shucks.
15 AGNES: (ENTERS UP CENTER. Yells UPSTAGE with her back to the
AUDIENCE.) Well, you told me it was a costume party! (Slams the
door.) Yolanda, this thing itches! (Moves to YOLANDA.)
YOLANDA: Didn’t I tell you to bring a back scratcher?
AGNES: No.
20 YOLANDA: Bring a back scratcher.
EFREM: (ENTERS UP CENTER and speaks UPSTAGE, his back to the
AUDIENCE.) Yes, Sahib, I shall have your tent fumigated at once.
(Closes the door.)
PETE: (Rushes to EFREM and grabs him.) You Cavendish?
25 EFREM: I beg your pardon, sir?
PETE: Cavendish! Are you Burton Cavendish?
EFREM: (Pulls free from PETE.) I believe you have made a slight error
in your identification. My name is Efrem Lockhart.
PETE: You sure?
30 EFREM: When last seen. (POLLY rushes to GINGER.)
PETE: (Looks at the OTHERS.) But Cavendish is out there somewhere,
and he’ll be coming back here. And when he does—
MAX: (Into the headset.) No, not yet.
POLLY: Ginger, don’t give up so easily.
35 GINGER: No need to ask twice. (Moves to PETE and again holds his
arm in hers.)
PETE: What’re you doing?
GINGER: (Pulls PETE DOWNSTAGE.) Why don’t we go someplace quiet,
and I can explain it to you.
29
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1 PETE: You talkin’ to me?
AJAX: (Opens the UP CENTER set door and whispers to POLLY.) What’s
my line?
POLLY: Wing it—we don’t have a script!
5 AJAX: (Yells toward Don Juan set.) Wing it, we don’t have a script!
(SOUND EFFECT: ROAR OF LAUGHTER. POLLY shoves AJAX back
OUT to the set and shuts the door.)
MAX: (To POLLY.) That was the last line!
POLLY: It couldn’t have been.
10 MAX: Well, it was where the last line was supposed to be.
EFREM: Lost your script?
POLLY: Yes, any idea where one is?
EFREM: I’ll have a look around. (Moves to the wings.) I know a few
places around this old place where one just might be lurking.
15 (EXITS LEFT into the wings.)
GINGER: (To PETE.) So what brings you to our theatre?
PETE: Money.
GINGER: (Eyes widen.) You have money?
POLLY: Kill the lights and keep them down ’til I tell you.
20 MAX: (Into the headset.) Goose, kill the stage lights! (DON JUAN LIGHTS
OUT as LIGHTS UP FULL ONSTAGE. SOUND EFFECT: APPLAUSE.)
CLAIRE: (Watches the OTHERS.) Now what?
AGNES: You’ve lived here as long as I have.
PETE: (Hears the audience.) What was that?
25 GINGER: That? Nothing, pay no mind… except to me, snookums.
(AJAX ENTERS UP CENTER only to have POLLY shove him back OUT
to the set. She EXITS after him.)
CLAIRE: Ooh, I didn’t expect that.
AGNES: That’s called a surprise twist. (MERCEDES ENTERS down the
30 stairs.)
CLAIRE: Can somebody give me some more exposition here? I’m
missing a lot, I bet.
GINGER: You know, you caught me at a good time.
PETE: I did?
35 GINGER: Yes, I don’t have anyone to take me to dinner after the
show.
MERCEDES: Where’s Cavendish? I need to have a few words with him
about our upcoming onstage kiss.
YOLANDA: Ooh, that ought to be good!
For preview only

1 AGNES: We’re watching a whole ’nother show altogether. (MERCEDES
looks at Burton’s door.)
YOLANDA: I’m betting on Ginger.
CLAIRE: Yeah, how much?
5 YOLANDA: You said you didn’t have any more money.
CLAIRE: I lied. (Unseen by the OTHERS, MERCEDES moves to Burton’s
dressing room and EXITS to it.)
AGNES: Yeah, I’d like a piece of that.
YOLANDA: (Holds up a bill.) You’re on. Twenty says Ginger gets a free
10 meal out of him.
CLAIRE: I got ten of that. (Pulls a bill out of her jacket pocket.)
AGNES: You carry money in your costume?
CLAIRE: Yes, for just such an occasion. (AGNES feels her armor for
money.)
15 PETE: Look, babe, I’d love to take you out for some grub. (YOLANDA
snatches the bill out of CLAIRE’S hand.) But I’m coming up a bit
short. (CLAIRE snatches the bill back from YOLANDA.)
YOLANDA: It’s still early yet.
GINGER: You don’t have any money?
20 PETE: Not yet. But don’t worry. I’ll be rollin’ in dough real soon.
(YOLANDA unsuccessfully tries to snatch bill back from CLAIRE.)
SKIPPY: (ENTERS LEFT through the wings.) What was that?!
YOLANDA: Not now, Skippy!
SKIPPY: That wasn’t the last line in my play!
25 CLAIRE: Just wait.
AGNES: Yeah, we’re making it up as we go along.
SKIPPY: What? What’s that supposed to mean?
YOLANDA: I mean we’re waiting to see what happens next. (MERCEDES
ENTERS from Burton’s dressing room. She slams it behind her and
30 falls against it. This sound causes ALL to look at her.)
PETE: What is it now?
MERCEDES: It’s Cavendish!
PETE: (Rushes to MERCEDES.) Cavendish? What about Cavendish?
He in there?
35 MERCEDES: He’s dead! (Swoons and falls into PETE’S arms.)
GINGER: (Sees this.) Hey, Mercedes, I saw him first. (Moves to PETE.)
Take your hands off him! (YOLANDA, CLAIRE and AGNES rush over
to PETE and MERCEDES.)
SKIPPY: Oh, that’s old news.
40 PETE: (Indicates MERCEDES.) Will somebody take this?
31
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1 MERCEDES: (Comes to.) What… what happened?
CLAIRE: You went into Cavendish’s dressing room!
AGNES: We didn’t tell you to do that.
PETE: Yeah, and you said he was dead.
5 MERCEDES: What? Ooohhh! (Passes out again.)
SKIPPY: Who’s the goon?
AJAX: (ENTERS UP CENTER. Calls back to POLLY.) I heard you, Polly, I’ll
be careful. (POLLY ENTERS UP CENTER and closes the door.)
CLAIRE: (Rushes to AJAX.) Don’t come in now! (PETE hears this and
10 turns to see AJAX.)
PETE: Who are you?
MERCEDES: (Reviving.) What happened?
PETE: (Stands MERCEDES on her feet.) Who’s that?
MERCEDES: Who?
15 PETE: (Moves MERCEDES to AJAX.) Him!
MERCEDES: That’s… Cavendish! (Passes out again.)
AJAX: (Catches MERCEDES.) Why does everyone keep fainting when
they see me?
PETE: You’re Burton Cavendish?
20 AJAX: Yes.
PETE: Drop that and pay up. Or else!
AJAX: Or else what?
PETE: You won’t make act two! (Slaps his fist into his other open hand.)
POLLY: (Quickly, to AJAX.) I know I’m only the assistant director here,
25 but I suggest you run!
AJAX: I’m a ghost! (Drops MERCEDES.)
PETE: (Tries to grab AJAX while stepping over MERCEDES. AJAX ducks
PETE and EXITS through the archway. PETE races after him.) Not
yet! (EXITS after AJAX. SKIPPY moves to POLLY.)
30 YOLANDA: (To CLAIRE.) Okay, who you want to bet on?
CLAIRE: Depends. Who you handicapping?
SKIPPY: (To POLLY.) Does that ruffian intend to beat up Ajax?
POLLY: Unless he can steer clear of him. Apparently, Cavendish
owes somebody big time big money. (SKIPPY looks down at
35 MERCEDES.)
GINGER: Polly, now why did you do that? I had a dinner lined up.
YOLANDA: The kid has the youth.
AGNES: But the goon has a few pounds on him.
YOLANDA: Three to one on Ajax.
32
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1 AGNES: Ten on Ajax. (YOLANDA rubs her fingers together indicating
money.) I have cash in the dressing room.
YOLANDA: Go get it.
AGNES: (Clinks her way to the stairs.) Nobody trusts anybody around
5 here. (EXITS up the stairs.)
POLLY: Max, get Lou back here!
MAX: (Into his headset.) Goose, get Lou back here ASAP.
CLAIRE: I put 10 on Ajax also.
YOLANDA: You’re on.
10 SKIPPY: (Indicates MERCEDES.) Shouldn’t somebody do something
about her?
POLLY: Is she quiet?
SKIPPY: Yeah.
POLLY: Count your blessings. (SKIPPY shrugs, bends over, picks up
15 MERCEDES’ fan, kneels down and fans her.)
GINGER: I ain’t letting him get away. I’m hungry! (EXITS through the
archway.)
CLAIRE: Let me get this straight. I got 10 on Ginger, right?
YOLANDA: Right.
20 CLAIRE: And 10 on Ajax.
YOLANDA: Show me the money!
CLAIRE: Hang on. (Rifles through her tuxedo pockets.)
SKIPPY: (Sings quietly to MERCEDES.) Lullaby and good night. Go to
sleep, my little actress…
25 MAX: (Moves to MERCEDES.) Polly, somebody needs to wake up
Mercedes.
POLLY: You want to do it?
MAX: How?
POLLY: Hit her with a bucket of water.
30 MAX: Couldn’t I just hit her with a bucket?
POLLY: I can’t believe she blurted it out that Cavendish is dead!
MAX: Yeah, after we told everyone to keep it quiet.
POLLY: (Remembers.) Wait. Mercedes wasn’t here when we came up
with the plan. (Eyes AGNES and YOLANDA.)
35 YOLANDA: (Ducks POLLY’S gaze. To CLAIRE.) Now, about your bet?
(POLLY moves to YOLANDA and CLAIRE.)
CLAIRE: Oh, yeah right. (Digs through her jacket.)
POLLY: Why didn’t either of you tell Mercedes about Cavendish?
YOLANDA: Claire told me she’d tell Mercedes.
33
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1 CLAIRE: I did not! (Turns back to POLLY.) I was going to tell her, but—
YOLANDA: (Hand in CLAIRE’S face.) Money!
LOU: (ENTERS LEFT from the wings.) Okay, so what’s the problem?
SKIPPY: For one thing, Miss Boatright is unconscious.
5 LOU: What?! (Looks at the OTHERS.) Did somebody knock her out
again? How many times do I have to tell you people to stop doing
that?
POLLY: (Rushes to LOU.) Bigger problems, Lou.
LOU: Do I want to know?
10 POLLY: No, but I’m going to tell you anyway. There’s some thug here
to collect a wad of money from Cavendish.
LOU: Oh, great. Just great. Where is he now?
POLLY: Chasing Ajax around the building.
LOU: What? (EXITS through the archway. AGNES ENTERS down the
15 stairs.)
MAX: (Into his headset.) What?
POLLY: (Rushes over to MAX.) What is it now?
MAX: (To POLLY.) Ajax was seen running through the lobby with the
goon in hot pursuit.
20 CLAIRE: Was he gaining on Ajax?
MAX: No, but Ginger was gaining on the goon.
AGNES: (Moves to YOLANDA.) It’s still three to one, right?
POLLY: (Irate.) Will you people forget about gambling for one minute?
YOLANDA: Okay. (To CLAIRE and AGNES.) One minute of silence for
25 Ajax. (MERCEDES moves slightly and moans.)
POLLY: He’s not dead!
SKIPPY: I think she’s coming around now.
MERCEDES: What… what happened?
SKIPPY: You saw—
30 POLLY: (Rushes to MERCEDES.) Nothing! You saw nothing! You passed
out from the heat. (To the OTHERS.) Right?
MERCEDES: Oh, thank goodness. (Sits up.) For a minute I thought
Burton Cavendish had died.
AGNES: (To CLAIRE.) Okay, who told her?
35 MERCEDES: What? (Passes out again. SKIPPY fans her.)
AJAX: (ENTERS through the archway.) Somebody! I need help here!
POLLY: (Crosses to AJAX.) Is that thug still after you?
AJAX: Hot on my heels, darling, and I need somebody to stall him here
for one minute.
For preview only

1 POLLY: But what good will that do?
AJAX: (Moves to the LEFT wings.) Just stall him!
PETE: (ENTERS through the archway.) There you are! Pay up! (AJAX
EXITS LEFT into the wings. PETE starts to chase him, but POLLY
5 stands in front of him.)
POLLY: Sir, just what is your business here?
PETE: Get out of my way!
POLLY: Are you waiting for Mr. Cavendish to pay you back some money
he owes you?
10 PETE: Yeah, what about it?
POLLY: Then you’ll have to wait until the play is over.
PETE: Then he can fly the coop, leaving me holdin’ an empty bag.
POLLY: I give you my word Burton Cavendish won’t be going
anywhere.
15 YOLANDA: Now there’s a safe bet.
PETE: Sorry, toots. Can’t oblige.
POLLY: But— (In one sudden move, PETE shoves her aside and rushes
over to the LEFT wings. He is just about to EXIT when AJAX ENTERS
LEFT through the wings. AJAX has gotten rid of his Burton Cavendish
20 costume and now wears his glasses.)
PETE: Watch out, mister!
AJAX: No problem. (PETE runs OUT LEFT. POLLY rushes to AJAX.)
YOLANDA: Ooh, nicely played, Ajax.
AJAX: Wow, that was a close one.
25 POLLY: Quick thinking.
AJAX: Told you I could think on my feet. You should’ve seen the looks
I got when I ran through the lobby.
POLLY: I’m not surprised, especially since everybody knows that
Burton Cavendish has a wooden leg!
30 GINGER: (ENTERS through the archway. Yells.) Meatloaf, they’re serving
meatloaf at the corner diner! You like meatloaf? (Runs to POLLY.)
CLAIRE: Wait, what’re the odds on Ginger again?
YOLANDA: Not sure. I need to get a bookkeeper.
GINGER: Where’d he go?
35 POLLY: He went thataway! (Points LEFT to the wings.)
GINGER: Right! (Races LEFT to the wings and almost bumps into
EFREM, who ENTERS LEFT from the wings and carries the Cavendish
costume and accessories.) Sorry, Mr. Lockhart.
35
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1 EFREM: I beg your pardon, my dear. (GINGER EXITS LEFT into the
wings.) I didn’t find a script but I did locate these articles, which, if
I am not mistaken, belong to young Ajax. (Moves to AJAX.)
AJAX: Thanks, sir. I’ll need those for the second act.
5 EFREM: Who was the goon who ran through just now?
AJAX: Some thug who’s here to collect from Cavendish. And he means
business!
EFREM: Ah, Burton’s gambling debts have come home to haunt him.
CLAIRE: And now he’s in a position to haunt them.
10 AGNES: (Smiles in spite of herself.) Oh, that’s tacky. Really tacky.
AJAX: And now he’s after me.
EFREM: Oh, dear. (Pulls AJAX DOWNSTAGE.)
MAX: (Into his headset.) What, Goose?
POLLY: (Rushes to MAX.) What is it now?
15 MAX: (To POLLY.) That critic has cornered Lou in the lobby! Both of
them are waving their hands wildly.
EFREM: Son, I must apologize to you.
AJAX: Apologize? What for?
EFREM: I had no idea the danger which lay in store for you when you
20 undertook this role. And I know you’re doing it just for me.
AJAX: No, sir. I did it for all of us.
EFREM: Now, son, we both know the truth here, and I shouldn’t have
placed such a burden on your young shoulders.
POLLY: (Hears this.) What? (Moves to AJAX and EFREM.)
25 AJAX: No, you’ve got it wrong. I didn’t stay and do this just for you,
Mr. Lockhart.
EFREM: Methinks thou doest protest too much. (Puts a hand on
AJAX’S shoulder.) I know your heart is in the right place.
POLLY: Oh, please! Don’t give him too much credit here. Do you think
30 he really would have quit?
AJAX: Now what’s that supposed to mean?
POLLY: I mean you were playing a game here. It was all just an act!
AJAX: What? How can you say that?
POLLY: (Moves to the suitcase.) I mean this! (Picks up the suitcase.) It’s
35 nothing but a stage prop.
AJAX: (Moves to POLLY.) How do you figure? (EFREM, still carrying the
Cavendish costume, follows AJAX.)
POLLY: You say you were quitting, right? But what’s with this suitcase?
Very dramatic, yes, but you don’t have anything here to take home.
40 You’re an understudy.
36
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1 AJAX: But—
POLLY: You were just using this as a prop ’cause it fit your threat of
walking out. (Holds up the suitcase.) It was just an act.
AJAX: (Sheepish.) Well, yeah, I was walking out, but the suitcase—
5 POLLY: So you admit it? You pulled this just to get my sympathy?
AJAX: Polly, no!
POLLY: (Moves toward the archway.) Yeah, well, I was a sucker to fall
for it. I should’ve known better.
AJAX: (Moves to her.) Hon, this is not the time!
10 EFREM: (Following AJAX.) If I may interject a word here—
LOU: (ENTERS through the archway.) Okay, where’s the hood?
MAX: (Crosses to LOU.) He ran thataway. (Points LEFT.)
LOU: Thataway? (MAX shrugs.) Whatever. Have Goose dim the lobby
lights.
15 MAX: All ready? (Looks at his watch.) It’s only been—
LOU: I don’t care what it’s been, we’re going with the second act.
(Crosses to AJAX.)
MAX: (Into his headset.) Goose! Dim the lobby! You heard me, we’re
starting act two.
20 LOU: You! What’re you doing out of costume? (AJAX starts to answer.)
Never mind, I probably don’t want to know. Get dressed!
AJAX: But Polly and I—
LOU: Get dressed! (Looks at the OTHERS.) The rest of you, places for
act two. (Rushes over to MERCEDES.)
25 AGNES: Ready, willing and able. (Moves to the UP CENTER set door.)
CLAIRE: We’re going, we’re going.
EFREM: (Helps AJAX with his jacket, wig and eye patch.) Allow me.
AJAX: (As he dresses.) Polly, you have to hear my side of the story.
POLLY: (Turns away from AJAX.) Oh, don’t talk to me.
30 AJAX: But I didn’t do it just to make you mad!
LOU: (To SKIPPY.) She still out?
SKIPPY: ’Fraid so. I don’t think anything will wake her now.
LOU: Oh yeah? (Leans over MERCEDES.) Mercedes, you’re on!
MERCEDES: (Immediately sits up.) I am always ready. (Looks at SKIPPY.)
35 What happened? (SKIPPY shrugs and helps her to her feet.)
LOU: Max, kill the house lights!
MAX: (Into his headset.) Goose, take down the house lights. (LIGHTS
SHIFT to BLUE TINTED.)
LOU: Wait, where’s Ginger? (Yells.) Ginger!
37
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1 GINGER: (ENTERS LEFT through the wings. Slow and sad.) So close, I
could already taste the meatloaf.
LOU: Get in your place for act two. (Races to the archway.)
MAX: Where are you going now?
5 LOU: I left Tyler cooling his heels in the lobby. I better mend a few
fences if what we planned after the show is going to work. (EXITS
through the archway.)
AJAX: (Now fully dressed except the mustache.) How do I look?
EFREM: Where’s your mustache?
10 AJAX: Oh, I almost forgot. (Pulls the mustache from his jacket pocket
and puts it on.)
MAX: What do we do if that goon comes back?
YOLANDA: Just worry about that when the time comes. (PETE ENTERS
LEFT through the wings. YOLANDA sees him.) The time has come!
15 PETE: (Races to AJAX.) Okay, pal, you pay up or else!
AJAX: But you don’t understand!
PETE: No, you don’t understand!
EFREM: (Gets an idea and pulls his pistol. Now a tough guy.) Okay, bud,
just relax! (Shoves the pistol into PETE’S back.)
20 PETE: Hah? (Quickly raises his hands and turns to EFREM.)
EFREM: Don’t make me use this.
PETE: Good grief, I’m being held up by Indiana Jones.
EFREM: Kid, get onstage.
AJAX: (Indicates POLLY.) But—
25 POLLY: Now! Go! (Shoves AJAX to the UP CENTER door.)
AJAX: (To POLLY.) We’ll talk when the show’s over! (EXITS UP CENTER.)
POLLY: The rest of you! Onstage for act two. (GINGER, AGNES, CLAIRE
and MERCEDES all EXIT UP CENTER.)
EFREM: (To POLLY.) Just keep this on him until I get back. (Hands the
30 gun to POLLY.)
POLLY: What?
EFREM: (Quiet.) Hopefully, he won’t realize it’s just a prop.
POLLY: But— (EFREM EXITS UP CENTER. PETE looks at her. POLLY tries
to put on a brave front, even though both her lips and words are
35 shaky.) Okay, bud, don’t try anything funny. I know how to use this!
PETE: Uuuuh… okay.
YOLANDA: (Shuffles the cards.) A little poker while you’re waiting?
(PETE looks at her. BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene One
For preview only

ACT TWO
Scene Two
1 LIGHTS UP: BLUE TINTED LIGHTS UP ONSTAGE along with DON JUAN
LIGHTS UP. It’s now the end of act two of “Don Juan in Cleveland.” MAX
stands UP RIGHT and looks OFF to the set. POLLY and SKIPPY stand
near the UP CENTER set door. PETE and YOLANDA play poker. A large
5 stack of folded slips of paper are in front of YOLANDA.
MAX: (Into his headset.) And lights out! (DON JUAN LIGHTS OUT. BLUE
TINTED LIGHTS REMAIN ONSTAGE.)
POLLY: (Wipes her forehead.) We made it.
SKIPPY: So far. (SOUND EFFECT: WILD APPLAUSE, which continues
10 under the following dialogue.)
PETE: (Rises slightly.) Are they coming back here now?
YOLANDA: (Reaches into her lap and pulls up the pistol.) Hey! (PETE
looks at her.) Park it and finish your hand. (PETE sits back down and
looks at his hand.)
15 CLAIRE: (ENTERS UP CENTER from the set door with AGNES, GINGER,
EFREM and MERCEDES.) Wow, listen to that applause!
SKIPPY: (Hopeful.) You think they liked it?
AGNES: Man, they’re really going at it.
GINGER: I know! Wow!
20 SKIPPY: Do you think they liked it?
EFREM: You ladies were all at the pinnacle of your art. It was a
pleasure to be onstage with you all tonight.
MERCEDES: Of course.
SKIPPY: But do you think they liked it?
25 PETE: Okay, here! (Puts down his cards.) Three aces.
YOLANDA: Full house. (Shows PETE her cards.)
PETE: Aw, man!
POLLY: Skippy.
SKIPPY: What?
30 POLLY: I just realized that you haven’t hiccupped once during the
whole second act.
SKIPPY: Gee, I haven’t, have I?
POLLY: I think you’re going to make it after all.
SKIPPY: Thank you. But do you think they liked it?
35 AJAX: (ENTERS UP CENTER.) Folks, we’re a hit!
PETE: (Rises again.) Hey, you!
POLLY: Curtain call! Everyone get ready!
39
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1 MAX: (Into his headset.) Goose, bring up the stage lights. (DON JUAN
LIGHTS UP.)
YOLANDA: Hey, skeeter, that’s another 20 bucks you owe me! (Holds
the gun on him.)
5 PETE: Just a second. (Pulls out another slip of paper and writes on it.)
“IOU 20 dollars.”
POLLY: Claire! You’re on! (CLAIRE EXITS UP CENTER.) Agnes! (EXITS UP
CENTER.) Ginger!
GINGER: (To YOLANDA.) Don’t let him get away!
10 YOLANDA: I won’t. I got too much riding on it.
POLLY: Get out there! (GINGER EXITS UP CENTER.) Mr. Lockhart?
EFREM: My pleasure. (EXITS UP CENTER.)
POLLY: Mercedes.
MERCEDES: Now you’ll really hear something. (EXITS UP CENTER.)
15 POLLY: And Mr. Cavendish?
AJAX: On my way. (EXITS UP CENTER. SOUND EFFECT: MORE INTENSE
APPLAUSE.)
MAX: Wow, they really bought it!
POLLY: So far, so good.
20 PETE: (Hands IOU to YOLANDA.) How much do I owe you now?
YOLANDA: Let’s just see, shall we? (Wriggles her eyebrows, places the
pistol on the table and counts the slips of paper.)
POLLY: Now comes the hard part.
MAX: Don’t remind me. (Raises both hands to reveal he has all his
25 fingers crossed.) I’ve crossed everything I got.
LOU: (ENTERS through the archway.) Going over big time, folks! (Moves
to MAX.)
POLLY: We know, we can hear. (Moves to LOU.)
LOU: Get ready. I asked Tyler back here.
30 POLLY: (Appalled.) What? You asked the critic back here?
LOU: They still bowing?
MAX: (Looks into the set.) What do you think?
LOU: Man, this group! If they open a refrigerator and the light falls on
them, they’ll do 20 minutes of bows.
35 POLLY: Why on earth would you ask Tyler to come back here?
LOU: Hide and watch. (To MAX.) Tell Goose to kill the stage lights and
get that gang back here.
MAX: (Into his headset.) Goose, kill the stage. (DON JUAN LIGHTS OUT.
STAGE LIGHTS UP FULL.)
40
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1 YOLANDA: You owe me 500 dollars, give or take a buck or two.
PETE: Go figure.
YOLANDA: Huh?
PETE: That’s just what I’m here to collect from Cavendish.
5 YOLANDA: What?
PETE: (With one sudden move, grabs the pistol.) And now— (YOLANDA
makes a grab for the gun but misses. PETE jumps to his feet and
waves the gun at the OTHERS.) —that I have your attention!
LOU: (Turns and sees PETE.) What? Oh, geez!
10 PETE: Okay, now everybody has to do what I say!
MAX: (To LOU.) Don’t worry.
LOU: What? He’s got a gun!
POLLY: He’s got our gun. Mr. Lockhart’s.
LOU: Oh. (Moves to PETE.) Okay, pal, give me the gun.
15 PETE: (Amazed.) What?
LOU: That’s a prop. It belongs to the theatre.
PETE: Oh, really? Suppose I let you have it.
YOLANDA: Go ahead.
PETE: Okay. (Pulls the trigger and a long stream of water shoots from
20 the barrel. PETE looks at the pistol and then at YOLANDA.)
LOU: (To the OTHERS.) Okay, who loaded this thing?
PETE: (To YOLANDA.) You held me here… with a water pistol?
YOLANDA: Yeah, don’t you feel silly?
CLAIRE: (ENTERS UP CENTER with AGNES, GINGER, EFREM and
25 MERCEDES.) What’d you kill the lights for?
AGNES: Yeah, we had another five or six bows to go yet! (GINGER
moves over to PETE.)
EFREM: I believe we have a little more drama to go.
MERCEDES: What’s that supposed to mean?
30 GINGER: Say, handsome, what about dinner?
PETE: Not now, babe.
TYLER: (ENTERS through the archway.) Well, Lou, I am here. Now what
was all the hurry?
LOU: (Rushes over to TYLER.) I want you to apologize to Cavendish.
35 TYLER: You want me to what?
AJAX: (ENTERS UP CENTER. Still as Burton.) I believe we have, indeed,
delivered the goods.
PETE: (Rushes over to AJAX. GINGER rushes over to PETE.) Now, you!
Pay up!
41
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1 AJAX: What?
PETE: I ain’t wastin’ any more time on you.
TYLER: You want me to apologize to him?
LOU: Yes. You came back here before the show. Why? Just to berate
5 my star.
TYLER: Star, is it? Just wait until I write my column and we’ll see if he’ll
still be a star or not.
GINGER: (Pulls PETE over.) You ain’t gonna run out on me now, are
you, sugar?
10 PETE: Look, snookums, I got business to take care of first. (GINGER
and PETE have an unheard conversation with animated gestures.
LOU rushes to AJAX and whispers into his ear.)
EFREM: Polly, might I have a word with you?
POLLY: Now?
15 EFREM: It is most imperative. (Pulls POLLY over.)
CLAIRE: (To YOLANDA as she sits at card table.) What’s going on now?
AGNES: Yeah, and what’s the betting up to now? (Sits at card table.)
SKIPPY: (Moves to TYLER.) Sir, I think that’s the least you can do,
under the circumstances.
20 TYLER: (Pulls out a program.) You, I take it, are the author of this play?
(Looks at the program.) Jeffrey Lyman.
SKIPPY: Please, call me by my stage name. (Proud. Strikes a pose.)
My name is Skippy!
AJAX: (Nods to LOU and then moves to TYLER.) Well? I’m waiting for
25 your apology.
TYLER: You can wait until doomsday for that, you overacting, pompous
ham!
AJAX: (Holds his chest.) What? I… I never in my life… (Staggers toward
Burton’s dressing room.)
30 LOU: (Rushes to AJAX, holds him. To TYLER.) Now see what you did?!
(To AJAX.) Let’s get you inside and you lie down, right now.
AJAX: (Weak.) Whatever you say, Lou.
POLLY: (To SKIPPY.) Now, what are they up to? (AJAX EXITS to Burton’s
dressing room. LOU closes the door.)
35 SKIPPY: (Stern.) Hide and watch! (Leans in to POLLY and EFREM.)
POLLY/EFREM: (Watch this, look at each other and nod knowingly.)
Ohhhh.
MERCEDES: I’m sure it’s just another one of Burton’s customary
tirades.
40 POLLY: Now what is it, Mr. Lockhart?
For preview only

1 EFREM: It’s about that suitcase.
POLLY: Don’t talk to me about that.
EFREM: Polly? That’s my suitcase.
POLLY: What?
5 PETE: (Suddenly looks around.) Where’d he go now? (Races to Burton’s
door.)
EFREM: Yes, Ajax had borrowed it from me and was simply returning it.
POLLY: Oh. Well, why didn’t he tell me?
EFREM: I don’t believe you gave him a chance.
10 LOU: (At Burton’s door, to PETE.) Sorry, pal, you can’t go in there right
now.
PETE: Yeah? Try and stop me! (MAX and LOU grab PETE by his arms
and try to hold him. YOLANDA sees this and calls to PETE.)
YOLANDA: So when do you plan on paying these IOUs?
15 PETE: What? I ain’t got no money!
YOLANDA: Then how about you and me discuss a little business
proposition?
PETE: (Stops struggling with MAX and LOU.) How do you mean?
YOLANDA: C’mere, bucky. (PETE thinks and then moves to YOLANDA.)
20 AGNES: What’re you doing now?
YOLANDA: Buying time.
AJAX: (ENTERS from Burton’s dressing room dressed as himself.) Well,
he’s resting now, but I don’t like it. He looks terrible.
LOU: I thought as much. Tyler!
25 TYLER: What?
LOU: (Holds the door open.) Get in here and speak to the man!
TYLER: Oh, I’ll speak to him all right! (Huffy. EXITS to Burton’s dressing
room.)
YOLANDA: (To PETE.) Cavendish owes you five Cs, right?
30 PETE: Right.
YOLANDA: You got his IOU?
PETE: Sure. (Fishes around in his jacket. AJAX moves to POLLY.)
GINGER: (Next to PETE.) What to you mean, you don’t have any money?
What about our dinner?
35 PETE: Don’t worry, we’re still on. (Pulls out an IOU.) Here it is.
YOLANDA: I’ll trade you for it.
PETE: What?
AJAX: Polly, can we please talk now?
EFREM: Yes, and I believe an apology is in order.
43
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1 AJAX: Oh, okay.
AJAX/POLLY: I’m sorry!
AJAX: What?
PETE: (To YOLANDA.) You want to give me my IOUs for his?
5 YOLANDA: A one-time only offer. (Holds up all PETE’S IOUs.) Better
take advantage while it lasts.
AJAX: Wait, you’re apologizing to me?
POLLY: Yes, I am. Mr. Lockhart explained about the suitcase.
PETE: You got it! (Holds out Burton’s IOU and YOLANDA holds out
10 PETE’S IOUs. With one sudden move they exchange the chits. HATTIE
ENTERS through the archway.) Thanks. (Shoves his IOUs into his
jacket.) Now I only have to figure out what to tell my brother.
CLAIRE: Your brother sent you here?
PETE: Yeah, and he’s really big.
15 HATTIE: Am I interrupting anything?
AJAX: (Sees HATTIE.) Mom! (Rushes over to her.)
HATTIE: There you are, son. (They hug.)
PETE: (Sees this.) Aw, ain’t that sweet. Makes me wish I could do that
with my mom. Kinda tough since I can only see her on visiting
20 days. (TYLER ENTERS from Burton’s dressing room. Slams the door
behind him and leans on it, wide-eyed.)
LOU: (Mock surprise.) Why, Tyler! What’s the matter?
TYLER: (Panicked.) It’s… it’s… Cavendish!
LOU: (Moves to TYLER.) What about him?
25 TYLER: He’s dead!
HATTIE: (Breaks the hug with AJAX and stares at TYLER.) What?!
LOU: You’re kidding! (Races to Burton’s door and EXITS .)
MERCEDES: Oh, don’t tell me they’re pulling that one again.
AGNES: (To MERCEDES.) They’re not pulling anything, Mercedes.
30 CLAIRE: Yes, the old boy has gone to meet his maker.
EFREM: (To the OTHERS.) And I believe a moment of silence is in
order here, don’t you think? (Takes off his pith helmet and bows
his head. ALL except MERCEDES follow suit.) In memory of a great,
lost talent.
35 MERCEDES: (After a slight pause.) Oh, please!
LOU: (ENTERS from Burton’s dressing room. Slow.) I’m afraid Mr. Barrington
is correct. Mr. Cavendish— (Deep gasp.) —has passed away.
TYLER: But… but he seemed so alive!
LOU: (Moves to TYLER.) Yes, until you got here! (She and MAX move to
40 TYLER, glower at him.)
44
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1 TYLER: But… you don’t think that I… that what I said had anything
to do with…
LOU: What do you think?
MAX: Man, that is really bad luck. (GOOSE ENTERS LEFT through the
5 wings.)
TYLER: No! I mean, it can’t be!
LOU: And you’re the one who’s going to pan the show?
TYLER: Not now. I mean, under the circumstances… (Looks at the
OTHERS.) I don’t believe this!
10 GOOSE: (To YOLANDA.) What’s going on?
YOLANDA: Cavendish is dead.
GOOSE: What else is new? (YOLANDA slaps a hand over GOOSE’S
mouth.)
HATTIE: Oh, my! (Starts to stagger.)
15 AJAX: Mom! Wait a minute! (Ushers her to a chair. CLAIRE moves out of
the way for this.) Here, sit down! (HATTIE sits in a chair. AJAX grabs
MERCEDES‘ fan and fans his mother.)
TYLER: I... I am so sorry. (Edges to the archway, followed by LOU and
MAX.) I… I better get to my paper and begin my column. I… I… I’ve
20 got to go! (EXITS through the archway.)
PETE: Good thing I sold his IOU. (To GINGER.) Let’s you and me have
something for dinner.
GINGER: But I thought you said you were broke?
PETE: My brother owns a restaurant. (He and GINGER stroll to the
25 archway.)
YOLANDA: Ginger, you’re still in costume.
PETE: That’s okay. (Eyes GINGER. Lovingly.) I like her this way. It’s very,
I dunno, cheery! (GINGER giggles as she EXITS through the archway
with PETE.)
30 CLAIRE: (To YOLANDA.) I don’t understand, Yolanda. You knew
Cavendish was dead!
AGNES: Yeah, but you still bought his IOU?
YOLANDA: Just trying to do my part. (Holds up the IOU.) Besides, do
you know what one of those blue-hairs will pay for his autograph?
35 Especially now that he can’t sign any more of them?
AGNES: (Looks at CLAIRE and they smile.) We should have figured
she’d have an angle.
AJAX: You feeling better, Mom?
HATTIE: Yes, dear. And to think I got to meet Burton. Before he passed
40 away. He was so nice to me.
45
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1 AJAX: (Looks at POLLY.) That’s right, Mom. I’m sure that the man you
met had nothing but your feelings in mind.
POLLY: Oh, I’m sure. (Hugs AJAX.) He’s that kind of guy.
OBERCLAW: (ENTERS through the archway.) What’s with the critic?
5 MAX: He just got some bad news.
LOU: Mr. Oberclaw, I think we may have some bad news for you as well.
OBERCLAW: What?!
LOU: It’s Burton Cavendish. He just passed away.
OBERCLAW: What?!
10 LOU: Don’t worry. Everything’s been taken care of.
EFREM: Shouldn’t somebody call in the medics?
MAX: Oh, right! Goose, call the hospital.
GOOSE: On it, chief. (Moves to the telephone and begins dialing.)
OBERCLAW: Cavendish? He’s dead?
15 LOU: But the show will go on! It’s how he would want it.
OBERCLAW: Dead? He’s— (Hiccup.) —he’s— (Hiccup.)
MAX: Now he’s caught it.
SKIPPY: (Rushes to OBERCLAW.) Hang on. I’ll handle this. (Puts a
hand on OBERCLAW’S back.) Just take deep breaths!
20 AGNES: (To YOLANDA.) Okay, who owes who what?
OBERCLAW: What?
SKIPPY: And bend over. (Shoves OBERCLAW, making him bend over.)
YOLANDA: (Same time as SKIPPY.) Okay, who has 10 bucks on Ginger
getting dinner?
25 MERCEDES: You mean, he really is dead? (Faints again and falls to
the floor.)
MAX: Timber!
AGNES: I think I did.
CLAIRE: And I had 10 on the thug catching up to Ajax.
30 YOLANDA: Just a minute, let me count up here. (AJAX and POLLY kiss as
ALL talk at once. HATTIE looks on, approving. LIGHTS BEGIN TO DIM.)
AGNES: Come on, Yolanda, pay up!
CLAIRE: (Overlapping AGNES.) We haven’t got all night.
SKIPPY: (Overlapping AGNES. To OBERCLAW.) How do you feel now?
35 OBERCLAW: I never— (Hiccup.) — should’ve sold the ice show! (ALL
continue ad-libbing as LIGHTS BLACKOUT.)
END OF PLAY
For preview only

PRODUCTION NOTES
PROPERTIES
ONSTAGE: Wall mounted telephone, pen, prop table with various props
on it (these can be silly props that are never used), card table, four
folding chairs.
BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene One:
Headset, watch (MAX)
Playing cards (YOLANDA)
Wallet containing a $5 bill (SKIPPY)
Large notebook (GOOSE)
Glasses, suitcase (AJAX)
Coins (CLAIRE, AGNES, YOLANDA, GINGER)
BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Two:
Script (POLLY)
Fan (MERCEDES)
Water pistol (EFREM)
Handkerchief (SKIPPY)
Purse containing a ticket (HATTIE)
BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene One:
Money, cards (YOLANDA, PETE)
$20 bill (YOLANDA)
Money (CLAIRE)
Glasses, mustache (AJAX)
Cavendish’s jacket, wig and eye patch (EFREM)
BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Two:
Cards (YOLANDA, PETE)
Pile of IOUs, money, water pistol (YOLANDA)
Slips of paper, IOUs, pen (PETE)
Program (TYLER)
SOUND EFFECTS
Telephone ring, audience laughter, applause, wild applause.
COSTUMES
In ACT ONE, Scene One, the actors are in casual rehearsal clothes.
AJAX wears glasses. Throughout the rest of the play, certain characters
are in costume for the show: EFREM wears a safari outfit, complete
with pith helmet, holster and pistol; MERCEDES wears a ball gown
and carries a fan; CLAIRE wears a man’s tuxedo; Ginger wears a
cheerleading uniform; and AGNES wears a Roman centurion costume,
complete with breastplate and helmet. AJAX changes into Burton
Cavendish’s costume, which is a red smoking jacket, grey slacks,
slippers, grey wig and mustache and an eye patch.
47
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FLEXIBLE CASTING
Most of the characters are gender specific, but TYLER and GOOSE
could be male or female. MAX could be played female with a few
tweaks in dialogue.
LIGHTING
As described in the setting, there should be two distinct lighting
approaches for the stage, which of course depicts a backstage area.
When “Don Juan in Cleveland” is not in progress, the stage lights
should be up full. However, when “Don Juan” is in progress, the lighting
in this backstage area should be differentiated in some way, whether
by a blue tint as suggested in the playbook or some other way to help
the audience follow the action.
The playbook also recommends that the upstage area hidden by the
flats be fully lit when “Don Juan” is in progress. While this is a nice
touch, it is not necessary if your stage lighting does not allow for it.
PACING
Much of the humor in this farce relies on rapid-fire back-and-forth
dialogue, usually with multiple conversations occurring onstage
practically simultaneously. Be sure to keep the pace up so that the
overlapping conversations can be followed and understood.
48
For preview only

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If you’d like advice on other plays or musicals to read, our

customer service representatives are happy to assist you when
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Our family-owned and operated company is proud to offer wholesome scripts
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Our affordable scripts offer straightforward costuming, trouble-free props and stage
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We help you tailor your play for your specific cast size, not the other way around.
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development instead of simply mimicking Disney or the musicals that are done over
and over again.
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All Pioneer Drama plays and musicals can be licensed for traditional, livestreamed,
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By Pat Cook

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If you’d like advice on other plays or musicals to read, our

Thank you for your interest in our plays and musicals.

We’re here to help!

TRUST OUR INTEGRITY.

STAY WITHIN A REASONABLE BUDGET.

MAINTAIN CONTROL OF YOUR CASTING.

ENJOY FLEXIBLE PRODUCTION OPTIONS.

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