The world explained by year 10 students

The Cynical Herald

Le Héraut Cynique Циничный Вестник
El heraldo cínico
愤世嫉俗的报纸
‫ذا ساينكال هيرالد‬

An initiative of Noddy Fu, Nick Jones and Rosco Jones

Issue #1

Contents: The Cynical Herald is not affiliated with

any political ideology. However,
Article 1: The authoritarian grip of the general duties staff (by Noddy) individual writers may express their
personal biases.
Article 2: The Chinese invasion of Barker College (by Noddy)
The Cynical Herald is an audacious
Article 3: “Yes ma’am,” says the great simp Ishaan Rana (by Noddy) platform for freedom of speech.
Article 4: Gladys Berejiklian is consistently the worst premier (by Rosco)
Anyone is welcome to contribute their
Article 5: Why Australia’s colonisation should be celebrated (by Nick)
pieces of writing or artwork to The
Cynical Herald.
Article 6: The left-wing atmosphere of Barker College (by Noddy)
Contact Noddy for your piece of writing
Article 7: Caleb Perry and his disturbance to world peace (by Noddy) or artwork to appear in the next issue of
The Cynical Herald.
Article 5: The left-wing atmosphere of Barker College (by Noddy)
The authoritarian grip of the general duties staff
Article 6: Nick Jones’ exclusive (by Noddy)
By Noddy Fu

“BAGS IN LOCKERS!” “TUCK YOUR DAMN SHIRT IN!”

The Covid-19 pandemic has brought numerous inconveniences to
our lives. However, it did bring a considerable amenity: the
temporary tolerance of taking bags to class. I yearn for the days
when I could freely carry my bag to my classes. Those were the
golden days of the school’s libertarians. It brought a sense of
liberty that I had never experienced before.

For all the years I’ve been a student at Barker College, I carried
my bag around the school in fear. Fear of being seen by the
vicious general duties staff and being interrogated by their vulgar
scream. I felt like a spy on a secret mission in North Korea when I
carried my bag around the school.

The golden days of libertarianism have vanished. The general

duties staff have been plunged back into our lives, unleashing their
Students are carrying their bags in fear
authoritarian bark upon the school once again.

General duties staff have allegedly violated students’ privacy by conducting arbitrary bag searches and
forcibly seizing bags from innocent students. This has caused a massive nuisance for students who merely
wanted to exercise their libertarian beliefs.

Two students (who wish to remain anonymous) told The Cynical Herald, “the ex-cop SDM treats everyone
like prisoners. His police mentality is still there.”

The general duties staff have revealed themselves to be hypocrites and bad role-models. SDMs routinely
give detentions to students who jaywalk (which is good). However, on numerous occasions, SDMs have
been sighted jaywalking across Pacific Hwy to McDonald’s. This not only involves SDMs, but teachers from
other departments have also been seen doing the same. Teachers, especially SDMs, are supposed to
encourage students not to jaywalk. It’s no wonder why so many students are jaywalking; they do not have
good role-models to learn from.
General duties staff have allegedly forced female students to remove blazers to “search for nicotine
devices.” Victims have said that they were searched arbitrarily without any basis. Only when there is a high
suspicion of possession, should a search be warranted.

It is clear that the general duties staff are the most unpleasant employees of the school. They have adopted
a draconian and authoritarian approach to their work, making the school environment seem like North
Korea. If there is ever a student rebellion at Barker College, the SDMs will be the first ones to be hung. The
irony is that they are hypocritical and have violated the rules. Their six-figure salaries don’t seem to be
enough for them to obey the rules that they are meant to enforce.

The Chinese invasion of Barker College

By Noddy Fu

TIME TO MOBILISE THE CADET UNIT

In Barker’s history of 130 years, students have lived

through the horrors of WWI, where many of our students
perished in their service to this great country. The school
stood through WWII, the Korean War and the Vietnam
War. Our school, and the wider community, lived through
fear and horror that the people of the time firmly hoped
would never cast over their descendants. However, it
appears that a new enemy has emerged, and they are
operating on Barker soil.
This new enemy is indeed the Chinese communist party. The Chinese government has had a long history of
undermining Australian democracy by infiltrating Australian universities. This is primarily done by spreading
propaganda to Chinese students and encouraging them not to assimilate into the local society. This
phenomenon can be seen in our own school.
Various ethnically Chinese students who are new arrivals in the country have formed their own groups. These
culturally homogenous groups were the cause of unrest at universities. It is in these groups that Chinese
propaganda is spread and where toxic Chinese pan-nationalism is sparked.
After my little investigation, I have discovered that these students stick close to their little circle. They do not
try to integrate with the broader community, and they only consume Chinese media (which contains a lot of
propaganda). These students frequently use an app called WeChat. This social media app is known to be
manipulated by the Chinese government to spread propaganda to its diaspora and remove any anti-China
content. It is indeed worrying that Chinese propaganda has made its way into the school. It’s only a matter
of time before those students at Barker become nationalists and cause unrest.
The school must encourage these students to assimilate into the broader Australian society.

“Yes ma’am,” says the great simp Ishaan Rana (I was granted permission to write this)
Written by Noddy Fu Topic suggested by Toby Kinch He’s the
simp I was
talking about
In a daring world of feminism, a new phenomenon is occurring. This
phenomenon is none other than “simping.” This word needs no
introduction. A group of gruesome TikTok users coined this
loathsome word, and it has briskly crept into our peaceful lives.
The so-called “simps” are ubiquitous all over Barker year 10.
However, the title of “simp of the year” undeniably goes to Ishaan
Rana.
I myself have witnessed the dreadful simping of Ishaan numerous
times. I have witnessed Ishaan sitting helplessly on the floor while
a group of female students shouted insulting slurs at him. He did not retaliate; he seemed to enjoy the
derogatory comments made about him. What was more degrading was when Ishaan did not retaliate when
they began kicking him.
On another occasion, I witnessed several female students throwing balls of paper at Ishaan. It was indeed
horrific for me to watch a member of the more noteworthy gender being lashed by members of the less
noteworthy gender. I responded to this situation by providing Ishaan with military aid; I made paper ninja stars
for him to defend himself. Ishaan’s response put himself in an even more demeaning situation. He
immediately surrendered the ninja stars to his female attackers. The female attackers promptly destroyed the
paper ninja stars by putting moisturising cream over them. It was unquestionably painful for me to watch my
intricate creations being destroyed by moisturising cream.
Ishaan Rana has put his gender to shame. His self-deprecating attitude has undermined all the sublime
achievements of the masculine gender since the emergence of homo sapiens 300,000 years ago.
Ishaan’s simping is paving the path for a new wave of toxic feminism that aims to achieve female supremacy.

Gladys Berejiklian is consistently NSW’s worst premier

By Rosco Jones

Gladys Berejiklian is the current premier of NSW. She

has achieved many feats whilst holding this position
such as increasing annual land clearing by 1100%,
increasing the amount of Covid deaths by approximately
70, and refurbishing Sydney with a series of white
elephants to “benefit the taxpayer”.
After being voted in as premier, Gladys started working
on plans for better public transport. This means they cut
from already understaffed and underfunded public
services and used the money to cover Gladys’ terribly
spent money on “improving public transport,” aka
installing the light rail that was $1.3 billion over budget
and 2 years behind. The light rail was set to cost the
taxpayer $2.9 billion, which NSW is still in debt from.
These cuts were to sectors such as Disability Services, Prison Staff, Education and the Fire Department.
This not only cost the public 12000 jobs in the public sector, it also stole $150 million of funding from our Fire
Department (who were at the time warning of the impending doom that would soon be coming to our nation,
which would go on to cost not only billions in revenue but also 75 people’s lives). These cuts from already
immensely underfunded and understaffed sectors were all under the guise of “raising efficiency dividends.”
This incredible amount of money generated a 1 point increase from 2% to 3% on their spreadsheet. This
money that was stolen from these immensely important and fundamental sectors that conveniently totalled
to $1.1 billion, giving Gladys the funding to accommodate for the light rail’s budget overspend.
To add insult to injury, Gladys was consistently warned of this by both NSW Infrastructure and Infrastructure
Australia, who both agreed that the light rail would provide no material benefits and would only be a detriment
to Sydney. This advice clearly passed straight through her smooth, fleshy brain as she went on with light rail
plans at full speed. We now see that the experts were, in fact, wrong as the light rail is far worse than imagined,
taking almost twice as long as buses to complete their route, increasing congestion by up to 30% and having
roadworks on George street 2 years longer than scheduled.
It’s also important to note that this incident is in no way isolated. Similar projects include the stadium rebuilds,
the Powerhouse move and the Metro-Bankstown line. This is simply how Gladys Berejiklian governs our
state—putting thousands of people out of work to pay for useless, non-constructive projects whose only real
explanation can be found in governmental corruption.
To summarise, Gladys cost 12000 workers their jobs to keep her own. She is stealing large amounts of
money from the taxpayer to allow for her terrible and detrimental plans to be funded despite constant warning
from all available experts not to do so. I would ask that everyone who reads this keep this as a reminder of
what a Liberal-National Coalition government does to our state.

Why Australia Day should be celebrated I would probably

die without
By Nick Jones Centrelink or
Many journalists have slammed Australia Day as a holdover from a bygone era. Medicare
Stan Grant is one of the most vocal in this minority who is changing the cultural
and social identity of this country. I’m sorry Stan, rewriting history to be entirely
focused on the mistreatment of the indigenous peoples and never to cover the
progress that white man has brought to this country is despicable. Without the
English invading in 1788, Australia would not end up in the favourable position
we are in today. One of the most socially, politically, and economically advanced
countries in the world would never have existed.

Even if we agree that Australia would have been better off without English
colonisation, the Spanish or even the French would have done the same.
Australia could have been a French-speaking colony very easily. So, the
argument that Australia would have been left alone is bunk or wishful thinking at
best.

In 2004, a poll conducted by The Australian, found that 79% of responders would
like the day to remain as it is. In 2017 a poll conducted by the Guardian found
that 68% of Australians felt positive about Australia Day. Finally, in 2019 the
Institute of Public Affairs conducted a study finding that 75% of Australians
wanted the day not to change. The argument that the general public is supportive
of a change in Australia Day is relatively baseless.

All this evidence goes to prove that the vocal minority against Australia day has not made a dent in the
perception of the public. The argument that without the English invading Australia would be better is a
blatant lie. The idea that the Europeans and white men have ruined Australia is completely made up, and
once again a lie. Finally, no, the general public is not on your side. I welcome a counter article to be written
by someone, let’s have a civil debate through this publication and let the public form their own opinions.

The left-wing atmosphere of our school

By Noddy Fu

“GOOD AFTERNOON, TODAY WE ARE WATCHING AN ABC DOCUMENTARY.”

In North Korea, the study of political science is an essential part of its

education system; their curriculum aims to indoctrinate students with a
particular political ideology.

With meticulous observation, this kind of political indoctrination be found in

our own school. The school subtly attempts to promote left-wing ideas in
several ways.

Firstly, it is hard to conceive that it is merely a coincidence that the vast

majority of documentaries watched in class were produced by the ABC or
SBS. Furthermore, most newspaper articles studied in class are extracts
from The Sydney Morning Herald, the ABC and The Guardian. The constant
exposure to documentaries and news articles from these left-wing media
outlets is undoubtedly having an impact on the political opinions of students.
One can speculate that the school is receiving secret funding from these
media outlets. An even more drastic speculation would be that the school is a puppet institution of the
Labor Party.

I have personally witnessed teachers attempting to spread their left-wing political opinions in the classroom.
Teachers have said, “I still can’t forgive myself for voting for John Howard in 1996. He opposes everything I
stand for.” Another teacher said, “I cannot believe that Sco Mo is running this country.” Another teacher
said, “Be careful when you read the news. News outlets are mostly dominated by the right-wing of politics.”
There are numerous other instances of left-wing political indoctrination I can recall. However, I have no
recollection of a teacher ever promoting right-wing politics. I find this hard to be merely a coincidence.

Furthermore, the school’s left-wing attitude has brought many detriments to students. An area in particular
where this is seen is the canteen. The school’s leftist stance led to an emphasis on “preserving the
environment.” Thus, the canteen serves food with eco-friendly packaging and cutlery. This inevitably
contributes to more expensive food. Moreover, this approach also led to smaller portions for each serving. I
have frequently found myself still hungry after eating their ridiculously priced “lunch specials.” Many
students have 90 minutes of intense sports training after school; such small food portions clearly aren’t
sufficient for them.

There are many other areas where the school’s left-wing notion has been a detriment. Therefore, it is
profoundly evident that the leftist attitude of the school is detrimental to students.
The school’s left-wing bias is glaring. We can only speculate why that is.

Caleb Perry and his disturbance to world peace (I was granted permission to write this)
I’m an
By Noddy Fu
eshay and
I steal
“I’M GONNA ROLL YOUR TNs!” – Caleb Perry shoes!

Caleb Perry continues to assert his reign of terror over the school. Caleb’s
appearance is indeed deceiving. He does not have the appearance of a vile
human being. When I first met Caleb in year 5, I assumed he was a shy nerd
judging by his innocent appearance. However, Caleb’s true self is revealed
when his oral cavity is open. His words are a huge juxtaposition to his
harmless appearance.
I myself have been subject to Caleb’s verbal harassment on numerous occasions. For the 5 years I’ve known
Caleb, he has consistently made derogatory comments regarding my ethnicity. Although this kind of
commentary does not offend me whatsoever, it does reveal Caleb’s audacious ego. It is only conceivable
that Caleb has made similar comments to other students.
A source (who wishes to remain anonymous) told The Cynical Herald of the many bizarre things Caleb has
said.
Caleb calls a number of students “ogday” for no particular reason. “Ogday” is slang for “dog.” It is indeed
extraordinary to find a private school boy who wears glasses using such colloquial suburban ghetto slang on
a regular basis.
According to the source, Caleb has threatened many students that he will “roll their tns.” Speaking from the
most objective point of view, what kind of crazy bastard steals shoes? Moreover, Caleb allegedly threatens
to shank people on a regular basis.
It is incredibly evident that Caleb is merely a coward. He does not possess the strength nor boldness to
actually carry out any of the threats he makes.
Caleb’s psyche is undoubtedly a mystery. One cannot help but wonder if Caleb spends his weekends with
eshays and bogans in Mount Druitt. Until this enigma is solved, it is clear that Caleb Perry will remain a threat
to public safety. For the time being, the only conclusion we can make is that Caleb is an eshay in disguise.
Watch out for him!
Thank you for reading!
Any feedback will be greatly appreciated. Any suggestions will be given the
highest consideration. All concerns will be addressed promptly.
If you would like to contribute anything to the next edition of this newspaper,
please do not hesitate to contact Noddy.