MY CULTURAL IDENTITY

Mayuko Yamamoto
BRIDGEWATER STATE UNIVERSITY  
 A person’s identity can be a challenging journey for some to find. There are people in the

world who know exactly who they are and what made them who they are. However, there are

those that have gone through many personal obstacles to be able to figure out who they are.

There are also people who are later in their life who may still have difficulty in identifying their

different parts of themselves and what makes them up in their identity. I have gone through a lot

in my own personal life and I will be sharing with you how I came to identity the way I am.

I currently identify myself as a queer Japanese woman who has the experience of a

Japanese American. This was not always the case as my identity has shifted throughout my life.

When I was younger I had no idea what my identity really was, growing up in the USA from the

age of one but being born in Japan. I had felt American but growing up it had conflicted with

what my feelings of growing up as an immigrant. It was very confusing when I was younger,

where I felt American since I did not feel any connection to my Japanese side, I was also

constantly reminded by others of the fact that I was still an immigrant here in the USA. I

remember my mom constantly reminding my brothers and I to never get into trouble with the

law. Of course that is probably most parent’s wishes however, the explanation behind it for my

brothers and I was that getting arrested would jeopardize our status and possibly affect our

family’s status of staying in the USA. Also, the elementary school that I attended had many other

Japanese students however, the other students that I knew were also all immigrants. Since the

other Japanese students that I met were all immigrants, I had unconsciously internalized that

Japanese people were could not be American since I had never met other Japanese people who

were not immigrants. I also had one instance where an older family friend who I opened up to

about how I felt like I did not belong anywhere and hated the term alien for immigrants told me

that the term alien is befitting of me. She continued to talk about how I do not fit in anywhere
and that my concerns of not belonging to either Japan or America is true since I was not ‘fully’

one or the other. This specific instance made me realize that if I did not belong to either being

Japanese or American then I wanted to choose to be American since that is the only side that I

felt like I fully knew. I also had an instance in fourth grade where we were learning Japanese

phrases that are said when a teacher comes into a room. I was not a very good student and did

not pay attention during this lecture and my teacher called on me to perform the words. When I

could not reproduce the words that we had learned, I remember my teacher telling me, “You

should know these things, you are Japanese!” This was a moment when I wished that I was not

Japanese.

With the constant reminder from my mom and others about how I am a Japanese citizen

it was hard for me to identify with my American side. I had ingrained the thought in my mind

that an American person is someone who has blond hair and blue eyes. Since I did not have these

features I had automatically crossed off my identity list of being American. I remember wanting

those physical features to be able to see myself as an American. I did not grow up in an area that

was really culturally diverse so many of my friends were all white Americans and that was why

my image of an American was a white person. Looking back now I only really had a handful of

friends who were people of color but there was still not much diversity since I only had one

friend who was black and everyone else was East Asian. As an adult I have realized that I did not

grow up in a culturally diverse area. I lived in Brookline my entire elementary and high school

career since my mom had heard that there were good schools in Brookline and worked hard to

make sure that my brothers and I went to them. Since there was not many other people that I

could feel like I related to or identified with, I had at some point given into the thought that I do

not belong anywhere and that I did not really have an identity. I was not really Japanese and I
was not really seen as American because of my status and also because of how I looked. I went

through high school not making many friends since I did not know how to relate with others

since I did not know who I was in some ways. However, I did not know how small my world

was living in Brookline until my senior year of high school.

I had always been interested in learning more about Japan since I grew up not knowing

much about the culture or the place, especially after I had started visiting my grandparents in

Japan during the summers of high school. So when the Asian American Studies was brought

back in my senior year, I was keen on taking the class, especially since in my regular history

classes I barely learned about any Asian American or Asian history. During the unit of the

internment camps in World War II there was a woman, Karen, who came to speak in our class

about her pilgrimage to one of the internment camps and some of the history of Japanese

Americans using taiko drums to regain their sense of pride after the war was over. My friend and

I, who is also Asian, decided to go to a workshop that Karen offered to high schoolers to be able

to experience taiko. After the workshop my friend and I spent a lot of time with Karen and we

both ended up joining the taiko group she had just made called the Genki Spark. Joining this

group was a big turning point in me finding comfort with how I identified myself in many

different aspects.

The Genki Spark is a multigenerational, pan Asian, all women’s taiko group that was

founded in 2011. The mission of the group was to break the stereotypes of Asian women being

quiet, obedient, shy etc. Being a part of this group allowed me to be exposed to so many different

people, races, ethnicities, cultures, identities that I was not aware that I may have had

unconscious biases against. I learned to become more open and accepting of others; though I

thought that I was before but I was more indifferent of other cultures. I did not hate other
cultures or push them away however, being indifferent also meant that I did not make an effort in

understanding or wanting to learn about others. Being a part of this group helped in me being

able to interact and make friends with people who were of all types of backgrounds and helped

me in starting to build up my own image of my identity. I played with people in the group who

had similar life stories as me and I saw for the first time that they did identify themselves as

victims from past events. Instead they were living their life, knowing what happened in their past

that defines them in some way now, but not letting it take complete control over their identity.

Through this group I started to feel more comfortable in knowing who I was, and how it was

okay that I was a Japanese citizen who grew up in the USA. I also felt more connected to my

Japanese side because I was doing a Japanese art form, and it also helped that at this time I took

up karate and was surrounded by a Japanese community that I had never really grown up with.

With people that did not judge the way I spoke or that I did not know how to read and write. It

was also the first time that I started to listen more to myself and how I identified. It also made me

start to question my identity of sexual orientation since that was a part of me that I had denied for

an extremely long time.

Growing up and having two older brothers, I leaned more towards the masculine side. I

played sports, had a lot of guy friends, hated wearing dresses and skirt, hated the color pink and

so on. Being younger, I never thought about what it meant to be attracted to someone. I never

worried about it since my guy friends never talked about it. I was also deterred since there were

rumors that would float around about me liking some of my guy friends since I hung out with

them so much, I had assumed it was the girls making up these rumors and so I always ignored

them and never really hung out with the other girls in my grade. It was not until I was a little

older where there were starting to be more differences between the girls and boys that I started to
talk more with the other girls in my grade, and started talking about crushes since it was the

‘popular’ subject among them. Looking back now I realized that I would say I had a crush on a

boy that most of the other girls had an interest in, but never really felt like that was right. As I

was growing up, however, even though I had weird feelings about ‘liking a boy’ my brothers at

home would always say that I was a lesbian because of the way I dressed and my choices for

activities. I hated to be told ‘what I was’ since I had grown up already having others tell me who

I was with my identity, being Japanese, American or neither. When I got into high school and

made friends they would also already assume that I was a lesbian because of the way I dressed,

and because of that I had denied my sexual orientation for most of my life. I was scared to think

about it since I also did not want my mom to find out. There was a time that I was questioning in

my sophomore year and did not know what to do. I was watching a television show with my

mom and there was a person who was bisexual who came on, and I thought this was a good

opportunity to ask my mom how she felt about someone who is bisexual. Needless to say it was

not the answer that I was wanting to hear, I explained to her what it meant to be bisexual and her

response was, “that is weird.” At the time I do not think she really meant anything by it, since it

was a semi new concept for her I do not think she really knew how to feel and that is why she

gave that answer. However, the young teenage self was distraught and decided that I would not

open up to her about my own sexual orientation and thought process. I hid my sexual orientation

for a long time, denying to everyone that I was gay and that I was completely straight. It was not

until I joined the Genki Spark and met other women who identified with the LGBTQ+

community that I started to feel more comfortable about my own sexual orientation. Luckily I

was able to come out to my mom with the help of others in the group, and it helped that my mom

was also part of the drumming group so she would have her support as would I. Even though I
had a lot of support and my mom was part of the group so she knew that most people in the

group were gay or bisexual, it did not change the fact that I was terrified to come out to her.

In my family Japanese culture, the common assumption within the family is that it is

okay for others to do what they want but it is looked down upon if someone in our family does

something or identifies with a group. So an example in this case would be, “it is okay for other

people to be gay, but it is not okay for them to be gay in this family.” I do not know why I have

that message ingrained in me since it is not something that I said out loud however, it is

something that I could read within the airs of my family in Japan. I am currently not out to any of

my family members in Japan and the only ones that know are the people in my life here in the

states. I never felt like I had to courage to come out to them since my grandparents would

constantly talk about how they could not wait for me to get married and have children. My

grandpa at one point said that he wanted to come to my wedding and hopes that I meet a nice

man. I did not want to shatter their dreams of me getting married to a man and also disappoint

them for being ‘different.’ It was a foreign concept to most people in my family other than my

brothers who also grew up in the states. Though I have become more comfortable with myself

and my sexual orientation, when it comes to telling people who are not from the USA, I do

realize that I get uncomfortable since I do not know how they will react, especially when I meet

other Japanese immigrants since I do not know how they feel and how they would react.

Looking back and seeing where I am not with my identity I am grateful for everything I

had gone through to get to this point. There were still many obstacles that I had to overcome

through my journey of course. There were many moments that I felt oppressed in some way and

also felt powerless. Even now there are moments when I face oppression and still do not know

how to deal with them. I feel very uncomfortable when speaking with older Asian men since
they remind me of my father Hideki. Hideki was an abusive father and for him it was either his

way or no way. I felt a lot of pressure to try and live up to his expectations that he had for me. I

feel that I cannot be myself around him for fear of him being disappointed or angry that I did not

keep up with studies at the time or that I was acting ‘American.’ I was lucky, however, that he

never made me dress more femininely, that was more from my mom. My mom always made me

keep my hair long until I was old enough to tell her enough. My aunt in Japan when she would

randomly send packages to my family would always send Japanese teen girl magazines that were

for me. I never really grew up with any extended family being nearby so I can understand now

that she was basing her judgements on what she knew. It still did impact me in feeling that I was

different and there was a part of me that wondered if I was embarrassing my mom since I was

not the ‘typical Japanese girl’, especially since my two other Japanese friends were.

On the opposite spectrum, there have not been many moments in my life that I have felt

like I had power or was privileged. I do realize, though, that even though I have talked about

wanting to be an American and not wanting to be an immigrant, that my immigration process

probably goes a lot more smoothly compared to other groups. Though in my daily life I am told

that I am not American, get told to go back to my own country and what not. I do not feel

threatened by others. Many people look over Asians and make snide remarks about whether or

not I speak English well, but I cannot imagine someone who is Hispanic and living in this

country right now with the current president. Racial violence has gone up since Trump has

become president and I do worry about my status with him in power, I do not think it can

compare to those who are Hispanic, Indian, Muslim and so on. I do feel lucky that I am Japanese

since most of the time people do not think twice about me when it comes to immigration. I have

been followed around in stores however, I do realize that other minority groups get a lot more
trouble because of the way they look. I can empathize with what they are going through but I

believe that there are many instances where I cannot say I know how they must feel. There is

another instance that I have felt privileged and it is when I am part of a taiko group. Since taiko

is a Japanese art form and I know how to speak Japanese, there were many moments when taking

workshops from Japanese teachers and I am able to get the full understanding of what the

instructor is saying. I also do not get complaints from others for playing taiko since it is

Japanese, however, I have known of many other people who talk about others behind their backs

and judge them since they are playing taiko and are not East Asian. I have a friend, who is the

leader of a group in San Diego that I am a part of, who is Filipino and he has talked to me about

all the flack he has gotten and how hard he had to work compared to his East Asian counterparts

to be able to study in Japan and also be part of a group. He is darker skinned and so there have

been instances where he was not taken seriously or dismissed because of his skin color. Hearing

stories like that does make me realize that I am privileged in different parts of my life.

I am currently not at a work site since I am not allowed to be employed other than on

campus. However, my previous job was of a preschool/toddler teach at a Japanese/English

bilingual school. I honestly think that the director said yes to my internship there mainly because

I was Japanese and was able to speak Japanese. They are good people but they have hired people

who were not good fits for the school or the children, just because that person was able to speak

Japanese or were Japanese. There are not many Japanese people becoming teachers here in

Boston, or at least not that I am aware of, of course. In this instance I did feel lucky to be

Japanese, even though I hated this identity when I was younger. I felt lucky to be Japanese.

Currently my culture would be a mix of Japanese and American culture since I have both

of them in my life. The Japanese side values thinking of others before yourself and the
importance of family. My American side balances out some of the Japanese beliefs such as also

being able to think of myself when I need to help myself before others. My family is the most

important part of my life and I will do anything for them, however, I have realized that when I

did do this, I have oppressed many identities of myself in fear that I would cause trouble for my

family and others. An example of this is when I was denying my sexual orientation and hated

myself because of the way that I felt towards other women. I also have the American belief of

pursuing my own dreams and thinking about my own happiness. I think this is an idea that

clashes with a lot of other minority groups since I know many others put self aside and there is

either family or others before them and they have to think of the whole instead of the part.

Luckily I understand what it means to put family first, but I do realize that I may have trouble

with clients who are in that mind state and are unhappy. I was in that mind state and I would

want people to be more individualistic so I am going to have to keep tabs on myself and make

sure that I am not so closeminded. A value that I hold is that everyone is different and everyone

needs the benefit of that doubt. I did not realize that I had done this for a while but I do give

everyone a benefit of the doubt since I do not know what their life experiences have been and

why they came to be who they are or what they have done. I think there is a mentality of

everyone for themselves in the culture of America but I do not believe in it.

I know there is still a lot more that I need to learn about other cultural groups and there

are going to be internal conflicts that may arise when I am with a client. I am going to try my

best to understand and also study my client’s culture to be have a better handle of where they

may be coming from and learn more about their family culture. Not all families are the same so I

would have to learn more about their foundation. I would have to seek more supervision from

those who have more experience than me and I would like to go to more workshops that may
offer a multicultural look on counseling. I do think the client that I would have the most

challenging time with would be an older white male or an older Asian male. For older Asian men

it is more because they remind me of my father and I do not feel 100% comfortable with them,

especially when they resemble Hideki. With the older while male I think I would have a

challenging time since there is a part of me that feels that I would not be able to relate to their

feelings they may have about life. I think I do have a bias against them since I have a part of me

that is somewhat bitter from all the experiences that I have had with white males. From being

told to get out of ‘their’ country, being called racial slurs and feeling unsafe, and also I think I

have a part that believes that the white male men are able to get away from law enforcement and

have less harsher punishment compared to someone of color. This does not all come up with

every while male that I meet but I do realize that this part does exist in me, however, it is not

overwhelming or powerful but more of a thought. I am going to have to keep these thoughts

under control however, I myself go to therapy and talk through a lot of these emotions so that is a

start.

Of course everyone has their own stories and their own identities. It is not easy to go

through life and figure out who one is. I went through a lot of things in my life that has,

hopefully, made me more open and understanding and compassionate towards others. I would

not say that I was like this in my teenage years or y adolescent years since for many of those

years I hated who I was. I am thankful that I have met many people that has helped shape me

into who I am and be more comfortable and confident about who I am. I can easily type here that

I am a Japanese queer woman with the experience of a Japanese American and not feel the bit

confused about what I wrote or feel that I am lying. I hope to be able to explore more with others

and learn more about others to be able to grow myself.