EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

How to Use Non-Violent Communication to Skyrocket Your EQ

(For Stress Relief, Effective Communication, Empathy,
Overcoming Challenges, and Conflict Resolution)

By
Avery Wright
Amazon Kindle Edition
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
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 Table of Contents
Introduction: Nonviolent Communication and Emotional Intelligence
Come to the Rescue of Toxic Relationships
Chapter 1: Understanding Emotions and Emotional Intelligence
The Purpose of Emotions
Importance of Emotional Intelligence
Chapter 2: What is Nonviolent Communication?
Violent Vs. Nonviolent Communication
Benefits of Learning Nonviolent Communication
Chapter 3: The Four-Step Nonviolent Communication Process
Observations
Feelings
Needs and Requests
The Importance of Unlearning Old Lessons
Chapter 4: Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence
Being Aware Of Your Emotions vs. Expressing Them
Self-Awareness and Nonviolent Communication
Observations and Self-Awareness
Feelings and Self-Awareness
Needs and Self-Awareness
Requests and Self-Awareness
Tips to Build Self-Awareness
Chapter 5: Emotional Intelligence and Self-Regulation
Self-Control
Trustworthiness
Conscientiousness
Adaptability
Innovation
Self-Regulation and Nonviolent Communication
Chapter 6: Emotional Intelligence and Empathy
Empathy Vs. Sympathy
Empathy and Emotional Intelligence
Empathy and Nonverbal Communication
 How Not to Express Empathy
Elements of Empathy
How to Increase Your Empathy Quotient
Chapter 7: Emotional Intelligence and Motivation
The Source of Motivation
Obligation and Emotional Intelligence
Self-Motivation
Tips to Motivate Others
Chapter 8: Emotional Intelligence and Social Skills
Influencing and Persuasion
Communication Skills
Conflict Management Skills
Leadership Skills
Building Rapport
Team-Working Skills
How to Convert an Argument into a Productive Discussion
Chapter 9: Making Assumptions, Vulnerability, and Emotional
Intelligence
Assumptions, Emotional Intelligence, and Nonviolent Communication
Vulnerability, Emotional Intelligence, and Nonviolent Communication
Chapter 10: Emotional Intelligence in Conflict Resolution
How Emotional Intelligence Helps in Conflict Management
Use Words Effectively to State Your Feelings
Understand Before Trying to Be Understood
Understand and Appreciate Differences in Perspectives
Focus on Impact and Not on Intent
Maintain Dignity of Everyone Involved
Chapter 11: The Role of Emotional Intelligence for a Healthy
Professional Life
EQ, Personality, and Intelligent Quotient
The Five EQ Components at the Workplace
Social Skills
Self-Awareness
Self-Regulation
Motivation
Emotional Intelligence and the Bottom Line of an Organization
Chapter 12: The Role of Emotional Intelligence for a Healthy
Environment at Home
The Rationale Behind the Need for Empathy
Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to Nurture Your Relationships
Chapter 13: Healthy Parenting Using Emotional Intelligence
Parenting Tips for the Emotionally Intelligent
Building Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence
Chapter 14: Emotional Intelligence and Stress Management
Conclusion
 Introduction:
Nonviolent Communication and Emotional
Intelligence Come to the Rescue of Toxic
Relationships
Do you think you are stuck in a toxic workplace filled with people of poor
work ethics, poor communication styles, and poor management styles?
What about other toxic effects of the workplace such as being laid off or
fired? Are you reeling under the stress of workplace toxicity?

If you did quit from that place, you can still feel the negative impacts. Yes,
it is possible that initially after quitting a job that you believed was bad, you
felt a sense of relief. You think you are free from the negative impacts of
toxic colleagues and bosses. Yet, after some time, negative emotions such
as anger, hurt, resentment, and fear of uncertainty about another job are sure
to come back.

Why do people get so frustrated at jobs? The reasons could be many

including bad bosses, poorly performing co-workers, ineffective managers,
and more. When co-workers don’t do their jobs well, you end up sharing
their workload over and above your own work. Ideally, such situations are
to be managed and avoided by managers in the office, right?

However, in a real-world scenario, you will find ineffective managers who

don’t do what they are supposed to do, and you end up having to take on the
workload of poor and below-average performers. Moreover, the internal
politics between co-workers and managers in any workplace also tend to
play a big role in increasing the toxicity of the situation.

For example, a co-worker could be great friends with the manager who is
biased towards this person and because of which he or she is let off lightly
while you get loaded with that person’s work too. If you tried to complain,
you could get into trouble for complaining as well.
Then, there are outsourcing measures adopted by companies resulting in
loss of jobs. How do these companies manage such situations? While some
do agree on providing severance packages to their employees, most others
use unpleasant methods. Typically, people who need to be benched are
given poor performance appraisal reviews hoping they resign on their own.
People do end up quitting, some in tears and some with deep feelings of
resentment and anger against their employers.

Also, isn’t it true that some managers choose to put down their team
members for their lack of team spirit because they do not attend social get-
togethers? Now, there is no mandated job description that attendance at
office parties is a must. And yet, some managers use this unfair weapon on
many a hapless victim.

Such toxic situations in the workplace do sound familiar, right? How does
one get out of such environments? Generally, you have the following
options:

Try and change the situation.

Try and put up with what is happening.
Move away from that place.

You are free to choose any of the above options depending on the situation
and your specific need. However, no matter which route you take, you have
to start the process of changing from within yourself and your internal
communication methods. And that is what emotional intelligence is all
about. Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, understand, use, and
manage emotions and feelings in ways that create positive outcomes for you
and those around you. Managing emotions effectively includes positive
results in the following:

Stress release
Effective communication
Empathy with others
Overcome challenges
 Conflict resolution

Emotional intelligence can be developed by working on some key abilities

that help us manage our emotions which in turn help us manage toxic
situations. Some of these abilities connected to emotional intelligence
include:

To effectively and quickly reduce stress for yourself at any given

moment whether at home or the workplace.
To identify and recognize your emotions, and managing them in
ways such that they don’t overwhelm you.
To connect emotionally with other people using nonviolent
communication including the right of choice of words and
nonverbal communication cues.
To use humor in any given stressful and difficult situation to
diffuse stress and conflict positively and effectively.

Understanding, managing, and implementing emotional intelligence can be

done through the process of nonviolent communication as proposed by
Marshall B. Rosenberg, the founder of Center for Nonviolent
Communication who believed that if we can use communication combined
with compassionate give and take, then it is possible to replace grief,
toxicity, and violence in our world with happiness, joy, and peace.

When you are in the midst of a toxic environment, and if you could step
back from the stressful situation, and observe the surroundings and
yourself, you will notice that there is a brutal and harsh tone in your self-
talk. You are filled with self-recriminations along with a lot of negative
emotions towards other people who you believe are responsible for your
situation.

In such difficult situations, the blame-game is the first thing on the minds of
most people. Instead of finding solutions to handle the toxicity at that
moment, we begin to indulge in the conversations like:

I should have done this instead of that.

 He or she could have easily helped me instead of ignoring me.
I would have done that if only I had known this would be the
outcome.

If we get stuck in these kinds of limiting self-talk, we will never find the
courage and will to move beyond toxicity. Using emotional intelligence via
the compassionate path of nonviolent communication will help you move
forward.

Toxicity is not just limited to the workplace. Even in personal relationships,

we are stressed out by problems created due to misunderstandings leading
to the breakdown in compassionate communication between partners,
family members, and friends. Here too, we are so overcome and
overwhelmed by agonizing negative emotions that we wittingly or
unwittingly indulge in non-compassionate communication resulting in
increasing the pain in the situation instead of solving the problem.

Therefore, whether at the workplace or in your personal life, finding the

right ways to manage and use your emotions effectively to help us connect
with our compassion to pursue nonviolent communication is the path to
happiness, joy, contentment, and overall peace.
 Chapter 1:
Understanding Emotions and Emotional
Intelligence
‘Boys don’t cry!’ ‘Don’t be so emotional!’ ‘Don’t let your feelings control
you!’ ‘Control your emotions, and then we can talk about this rationally!’
Our life is replete with emotions. There is not a second that goes by without
emotions affecting us in some way or the other. Ranging from sheer
boredom to raging anger, the spectrum of feelings that exist in the human
system is mind-boggling, to say the least.

Feelings are the core of every activity we indulge in. They are the powerful
motivators and guiding light of our lives. They add meaning, energy, and
color. When you have a good time with your friends, read a book that
brings tears to your eyes, watch a horror movie that sends shivers down
your spine, kiss or hug someone, or smile at someone, you are, in effect,
connecting with the emotional experience of the other person. For that little
duration of time, you are part of that person’s perspective, and therefore,
emotions help you create connections with other human beings.

Many of the emotional expressions are universal and does not have to be
taught. Blind people can smile when they feel happy or heard something
funny even though they have never seen another smiling face in their lives.

Emotions play a very crucial role in the way we think and behave. Our
emotions drive actions and influence all our choices both the big and small
ones. Our feelings can be long-lasting or have a short duration. Examples of
short-term emotional situations are:

A flash of anger directed at your team member for a glaring

mistake done in the presentation.
Being upset with your child for spilling your coffee while he ran
around your legs in the excitement of seeing you return from
work in the evening.
A flash of hope when you see your favorite team trying their best
to get the home run.
Long-term emotions are those that last for a long time such as
the enduring loss of a loved one which can last for years and
years. So, why do we have emotions? Are they important? If yes,
in what ways are they important?
The Purpose of Emotions
Emotions are an integral part of human life. Emotions have multiple
purposes, and some of them are listed below.

Emotions drive us to action – Students feel the tension and stress of

upcoming exams which urge them to study and work hard so that they clear
the tests with flying colors. The emotions of stress and anxiety motivate
students to work hard so that they perform well in exams. In the absence of
these seemingly negative emotions, a student may not get the drive needed
to study and pass tests and excel in life.

Without emotions like fear and panic, the human race may not have
survived or evolved into the present highly advanced species that we are
today. Emotions such as fear and anxiety are reflected in our physical body.
Our muscles contract and become tense. We achieve high levels of focus
and alertness so that we are prepared to save ourselves from potential
dangers that are actual triggers of these emotions.

Contrarily, when we feel happy and free, our muscles are relaxed, and our
brains are numbed into inaction. Therefore, emotions make us feel
uncomfortable or at ease resulting in taking some urgent action or lull us
into an environment of ease and comfort. In fact, Charles Darwin opined
that emotions are survival adaptation mechanisms of human beings and
animals.

He said humans and animals fled when they felt fear and panic, confronted
the source of irritation when they felt anger and sought out a mate to
express happiness when they felt love which resulted in creating their
progeny. Thus, emotions serve as an adaptive tool driving us to act urgently
and quickly to enable us to survive, prosper, and grow our race.

Interestingly, we are naturally attuned to involve in actions that result in

happy emotions while trying hard to prevent negative emotions. For
example, most of us love to watch TV or catch a movie after a hard day at
the workplace to feel relaxed and chilled out. We will avoid actions that
create boredom, stress, anxiety or sadness.

Emotions drive our decisions – Our emotions play a crucial role in our
decision-making process. Right from what we choose to eat to who we want
to vote for, our emotions play a part in our choices. In fact, some research
studies have proved that people with brain damage resulting in not being
able to experience emotions fully have reduced capacity to make good
decisions. Even those decisions that are supposedly based on rationality and
logic are dependent on emotions.

Emotions help us connect with people – Our interactions with people are
primarily emotion-based. It is important to let people know our feelings and
emotions which are expressed in multiple ways including body language
cues, facial expressions, or many times, by stating exactly how you are
feeling through words.

Letting other people know your feelings and emotions help them to take
suitable action. For example, if you are discussing a party that you attended
with your wife, then it might be a great idea to let her know how you felt
about it. Did you like it or not? Based on your emotions, both of you could
decide whether you want to attend it the next time you are invited.

In the same way, emotions help us understand other people. For example, if
your wife enjoyed the party even if you didn’t, or vice versa, then the
decision about attending it the next time could change. Emotions facilitate
interaction with other people and help us understand ourselves and others in
any given situation.

Therefore, emotions play a highly critical role in our lives and serve a wide
range of purposes. Emotions can be long-lasting, fleeting, simple, complex,
and everything in between. In fact, emotions create energy in our system to
help us understand the world better. A combination of emotional energy and
intelligence is what makes human beings a highly evolved species.
Yet, emotions can create havoc in our lives, if not handled properly. For
example, uncontrolled anger can result in hurt and pain for everyone
involved in any situation. Emotions such as happiness and joy help us gain
energy whereas emotions such as anxiety, worry, guilt, shame, anger,
resentment, etc. drain energy.

Interestingly, there are more negative emotions than positive emotions, and
this is because the apparently negative feelings were essential survival
adaptive tools for our cavemen ancestors. Negative emotions such as panic
and fear helped our ancestors remain alert to all kinds of danger and helped
them survive.

However, in today’s world, excessive negative emotions create debilitating

effects in our lives. And that is why we need to build emotional intelligence
(EQ) which is our ability to manage our emotions intelligently. It is a
measure of our ability to identify, use, understand, and control emotions in
positive ways to keep out stress, communicate effectively, display empathy,
overcome challenges, and resolve conflicts.
Importance of Emotional Intelligence
Many experts in the science and psychology fields are of the opinion that
emotional intelligence (EQ) is far more important than Intelligent Quotient
(IQ) for success and happiness. Emotional intelligence has five components
including (each of which is discussed in detail in separate chapters in the
book):

Self- awareness – which is our ability to identify, recognize, and

understand our emotions and our reactions to them.
Self-management – is our ability to manage, adapt, and control
our emotions, responses, moods, etc.
Motivation – is our ability to use emotions to motivate ourselves
to take appropriate actions and work towards achieving our goals
and desires.
Empathy – is our ability to discern and understand the feelings
of others and use this emotional understanding for effective
communication.
Social skills – help us build relationships, connect with other
people in our personal and professional lives, resolve conflicts,
lead, and work effectively as a team member.

Emotional intelligence is very crucial to build a balanced, happy, and

successful life. Managing your emotional intelligence is the gateway to
overall happiness. Here are some excellent benefits of building a high level
of emotional intelligence:

To develop and maintain excellent physical health – Negative emotions

such as stress, anxiety, anger, sadness, etc. can have an incredible impact on
our physical health and overall wellness. If you look back at your own
experiences, you will find multiple occasions to identify such situations.

Suppose something happened in your office where your boss or colleague

said something nasty to you, or you had a fight with your spouse. In such
situations, it is a natural reaction to feel physically drained and fatigued. In
fact, some people can even fall sick because of their inability to manage
negative feelings and situations.

It is even more common to leave out your daily fitness regimen during such
bad days. These reactions can lead to reduced physical health. Managing
these emotions is crucial to maintaining good health. A high level of
emotional intelligence helps us identify stress and anxiety triggers which
can be used to avoid or manage our feelings to minimize their impact on
our physical health.

To improve our mental well-being – Emotional intelligence affects the

way we look at life and its myriad problems and perspectives. You can
manage your stress, mood swings, and anxiety levels by developing your
EQ. A high level of EQ is directly linked to a happy outlook on life and an
overall positive attitude.

Conflict resolution – With a high level of EQ, our ability to manage our
own emotions and identifying and understanding those of others helps us
resolve conflicts amicably. In fact, recognizing the underlying feelings early
on can help us avoid conflicts altogether. A person with a high EQ has
improved negotiating capabilities because he or she can easily give what
others want by clearly discerning their underlying needs.

Improved relationships – People with high EQ invariably have improved

relationships in their lives, thanks to their improved self-awareness and
social skills. Understanding the needs and desires of others in our lives help
us build strong, sustaining relationships that can last a lifetime.

Improved success – A high level of EQ translates to strong internal

motivation levels resulting in reduced procrastination, increased confidence,
and enhanced ability to achieve our goals and desires. All these aspects lead
to higher levels of success than if you did not have a healthy EQ.

Improved leadership skills – With improved emotional intelligence levels,

you are better able to identify and understand the needs and desires of your
colleagues and teammates at the workplace. This attitude automatically
makes you a better leader. Recognizing and fulfilling your team’s needs will
motivate them to work harder than before and improve the overall
productivity and efficiency of your team.

As an emotionally intelligent person, you can strategize the emotional

diversity of your team members facilitating improved team efficiency and
effectiveness along with a lot more camaraderie and cohesiveness among
the members.

Emotional intelligence is a learned skill. Yes, the best thing about emotional
intelligence is that you don’t have to be born with it. You can easily build
and develop it to lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life than before.
This book aims to teach you how to use your emotions positively and make
amazing changes in your life.

This book is an exploration of emotional intelligence, its definition, and its

uses based on nonviolent communication (NVC) as proposed and
propagated by Marshall D. Rosenberg, the famous American psychologist,
author, mediator, and teacher.
 Chapter 2:
What is Nonviolent Communication?
Human beings cannot live in isolation. We are a social species, and we need
interaction and communication with other human beings for our sustenance.
For us, connections with other human beings are not just a convenience but
an essentiality for survival. Communication is the most basic need of any
social group including animals. Every animal species has its own way of
communicating and talking with each other.

Therefore, communication is a two-way process by which thoughts, ideas,

and emotions are exchanged meaningfully. Talking to people gives us
happiness and joy. Talking to people also makes us feel sad, angry, and
resentful. What is the difference between the two types of talking? What is
it in the process of communication that affects how we feel?
Violent Vs. Nonviolent Communication
What kinds of communication make us happy and joyful and what kinds
make us sad, angry, and hurt? Violent communication creates sadness and
hurtful feelings whereas nonviolent communication creates joy and
happiness for everyone involved in the discussion. Violent communication
can include a range of elements including:

Judging and criticizing people, deciding good/bad behavior,

right/wrong people and situations
Having prejudicial views based on race, gender, caste, creed,
nationality, or anything else
Discriminatory behavior
Finger-pointing and blaming
Talking without listening
Reacting negatively when angry
Name-calling
Using rhetoric
Being defensive

Any conversation or interaction with one or more of the elements

mentioned in the above list is bound to result in violent communication.

So, what is nonviolent communication (NVC)? It is a form of empathetic

communication that is based on the belief that every human being is
capable of compassion. Nonviolent communication is deeply rooted in
compassion. Marshall B. Rosenberg, the founder of the Center of
Nonviolent Communication (CNVC), believed that being compassionate is
the natural state of being for all humans. It is natural to find joy and
happiness in giving and receiving from the heart.

If this is true, what is it that disconnects us from our natural state of

compassion and makes us behave exploitatively and violently? Also, what
is it that helps us remain in this natural state of compassion even in worst-
case scenarios? One of the biggest factors that affect our compassionate
nature is language and communication. Many times, even if we don’t
appear to talk violently in the physical sense, our choice of words can make
an interaction violent inasmuch it causes pain and hurt to others, and that is
referred to as violent communication too.

Why do we indulge in this kind of communication style? Dr. Marshall

Rosenberg opined that this is so because we are trained to perceive and
speak judgmentally, labeling elements as right or wrong, and evaluating
things in ways that disconnect us from our natural compassionate nature.
Nonviolent communication is an approach that teaches us to give and
receive from our hearts so that we are reconnected to our natural state of
compassion.

NVC helps us to overcome automatic, habitual reactions and responses and

choose to express ourselves objectively and non-judgmentally by being
conscious of our behaviors, feelings, and choice of words. NVC helps us to
express ourselves honestly and clearly even as we listen and pay attention
to others’ emotions and opinions empathetically and respectfully.

In any interaction based on nonviolent communication, not only we are

aware of our deep needs and desires but also conscious of other people’s
needs and desires. By careful observations, we are able to specify external
conditions and internal thoughts and emotions that are affecting our
behaviors, and then make appropriate changes to our communication style
that facilitates compassion and understanding for ourselves and fellow
human beings.

Nonviolent communication is a combination of four elements or

components including consciousness, language, communication skills, and
means of influence. Let us look at each of these four elements of nonviolent
communication in detail.

Consciousness – An individual who displays consciousness in his or her

communication holds four human values high in their life; collaboration,
compassion, authenticity, and courage.
Language – A nonviolent communicator is one who understands the
importance and value of words and how they can increase or decrease
distances and connections between people.

Communication skills – Nonviolent communicators have excellent

communication skills. Such people:

Know how to ask for what they want

Know how to listen to others even in disagreements
Know who to collaborate with and find solutions that work well
for all stakeholders

Means of influence – Nonviolent communicators accept and acknowledge

the importance of ‘sharing power’ instead of ‘using power over others.’

Nonviolent communication helps us to live with deep connections with

people and sensible choices based on facts enabling you to live a
meaningful and happy life.

Marshall B. Rosenberg said, “Human beings are powerhouses of joy and

happiness, and each one of us is capable of enriching lives through our
words and interactions with other people. We can support great support. We
can nurture. We can contribute and participate in other people’s enjoyment.
On the other hand, we also have the power to make people’s miserable
through our words and actions. It is up to us to make the right choice of
learning the various aspects of nonviolent communication to enrich our
lives and those of others.”

How is NVC different from other self-help, communication, and conflict

management tools? - The uniqueness of nonviolent communication can be
found in the following elements:

Assumptions of NVC are unique – The start of NVC itself is beautiful and
unique. This communication self-help tool assumes that every human being
is capable of compassion and love. We are all nonviolent by nature, and
violence is a learned behavior supported by or taught by external
circumstances including but not limited to the prevailing culture and norm.
Another important assumption of NVC is that all human beings have the
same primary needs, and all our actions, reactions, and responses are used
to meet these basic human needs.

The NVC tool is simple to learn and use – The process involved in using
the NVC tool is simple to learn and master and equally simple to implement
in our daily lives. The crucial thing about NVC is that it is not merely a
communication tool. NVC techniques teach us how to stay connected with
our life energy. It improves our consciousness by making us focus on how
our thinking and communication impacts our daily conversations.

NVC can be applied effectively for a wide variety of purposes and needs –
The use of NVC techniques is not restricted to any one or two
communication needs. You can effectively use NVC techniques on a wide
range of needs ranging from the personal, professional, business,
interpersonal, family, parenting, sibling, and more. It also helps to
overcome social issues such as alcoholism, substance abuse, recovery from
trauma, and prisoner rehabilitation.

NVC promises amazing results – NVC techniques can transform

destructive attitudes such as anger, resentment, and more. It helps you break
destructive habits and convert them into life-serving and peaceful
behaviors. NVC has been used all over the world to reduce conflicts in
families and business organizations, increase trust, and foster deep
emotional connections to benefit all stakeholders.
Benefits of Learning Nonviolent Communication
Learning the skills of nonviolent communication helps you with the
following:

Conflict resolution – Nonviolent communication methods teach you to

resolve all kinds of conflicts amicably. You will be able to get to the root of
the dispute quickly, and effectively help you find solutions. With nonviolent
communication, you will learn to improve your listening skills significantly
which allows you to get enhanced levels of cooperation from the different
people you deal with.

Nonviolent communication skills help you convert criticism and blame into
a compassionate understanding of the other person’s point of view. With the
help of all these conflict resolution skills, your ability to reduce
misunderstandings and prevent pain from similar mistakes both for yourself
and the people around will improve considerably.

Improved personal relationships – NVC is great for personal

relationships. Being skilled in nonviolent communication helps you deepen
your emotional connections with other people. Your improved listening
skills will increase cooperative interactions with your family and friends.
You will find ways to get what you want without the use of guilt or shame.

Improved family relationship – With NVC, you will reduce sibling

rivalry, and family conflicts and you will be able to help people in your
family to go beyond power struggles towards an attitude of cooperation and
trust. NVC teaches you the power of using unconditional love to bring a
family together. As a parent, you will be able to nurture your children
without stepping on their sense of autonomy and freedom. NVC skills teach
you to motivate by sharing power with loved ones rather than using power
over them.

Improved education system and better students – NVC helps us to

optimize the potential of each student and strengthen their passion, interest,
dedication, and connection to learning and development. NVC skills help to
improve connection and trust in the classroom and empower them to feel
safe and secure. NVC helps to improve efficiency and cooperation among
students and enhance teamwork in the classroom while strengthening the
power of parent-teacher relationships; a key ingredient in the overall
development of a student.

Self-healing and personal growth – NVC empowers you to change guilt

and shame into learning elements. It helps you heal old, festering pains and
also facilitates the elimination of old, limiting habits and thoughts. NVC
helps you to remain connected with your desires, preferences, and needs. It
teaches you how to cultivate the habit of eating by choice and not by habit;
a crucial item for physical health.

Organizational effectiveness – NVC improves the productivity and

effectiveness of meetings. Also, employees will feel an increased sense of
morale, confidence, and team spirit, helping them improve their
productivity for organizational effectiveness and development. NVC helps
you optimize the quality of work and also the social benefits of your
company to the community and society.

Anger management – NVC helps you redirect your anger productively

before it can drive damaging behavior. NVC enables you to identify and
understand the needs of your anger, the triggers that drive angry behavior
both for yourself and others. NVC helps you overcome the challenges of
anger and facilitates solution-driven proactive behavior instead of regretful
reactions. With nonviolent communication, you will find ways to express
your anger without harming anyone.

Business relationships – NVC helps in building employee loyalty and

morale by helping them achieve their optimum potential. With NVC, you
will find ways to resolve workplace conflicts effectively and with little or
no residual damage. It reduces absenteeism and stress in the workplace. It
helps in improved customer relationships by understanding and preempting
their needs and requirements.
Spirituality – NVC helps you connect to your inner being. You will find
that with NVC you are able to align your actions with your spiritual values
and moral principles helping you lead a wholesome and meaningful life.
NVC helps you overcome conditioned harmful behavior developed from
your cultural background and connect with the whole of humanity. NVC
helps you understand that identifying and satisfying your own needs is the
first step to building compassion for others.

You can also reap all these benefits and more by learning and implementing
NVC techniques in your life.
 Chapter 3:
The Four-Step Nonviolent Communication
Process
To reiterate one part of what was already said in the introduction chapter,
the primary premise on which Nonviolent communication (NVC) works is
that all human beings have the same basic needs. One of the most important
human need is the sense that they are being listened to, understood,
respected, and valued.

NVC techniques are all designed to have meaningful conversations that

connect to everyone’s needs, and not to ‘win’ or ‘lose’. The four-step
communication process of NVC includes:

Observations
Feelings
Needs
Requests
Observations
A neutral way of observing what is happening inside and outside of you is
the first and foremost step in the NVC four-step process. In a conversation,
this is best done by recapping what has been said by others without
attaching any emotion to it. When you recap or summarize a person’s
conversation, it is imperative not to be judgmental about the ‘story’.
Recapping what the other person is saying helps in the following ways:

It slows down the conversation giving everyone time to rethink

and reconsider their understanding and interpretations. The
person whose idea you are recapping feels that he or she is being
listened to and understood; one of the most important human
needs.
Recapping helps people to enhance their memory about the
conversation helping them recall it better in the future.
It helps to catch and correct errors. When we are talking fast and
without a stop, it is natural for all of us to make mistakes in the
form of misplaced words or phrases that mean something quite
different from what we actually wanted to say. Recapping helps
in catching and correcting these mistakes. Recapping acts like an
editing process of what was spoken earlier.

Recapping works extremely well when you use the first person. Instead of
starting with ‘You said that….,’ it would be better starting with, ‘I hear that
you are saying….’ Here are some examples of recapping:

Suppose your husband walks in and says, “Oh God! These immigrants have
come into our country and are taking our jobs away.” Your response would
be, “Did something happen in the office today that is making you feel
insecure about your job? Would you want to talk about that incidence?”

Notice, by recapping what your husband said, not only did you let him
know that you were listening to what he was saying but also catch the
underlying fears about something that happened in the office that day. Your
recapping of his statements has made him think about what he said which,
in turn, will slow down his speed of thoughts giving him the necessary time
to really comprehend his emotions and feelings. He is forced to reflect on
what he said, and clarify his stance. Moreover, he feels a sense of
connection with you, and he is ready to discuss the issue without letting the
fears affect his judgment.
Feelings
The next step in the NVC four-step process is to describe and focus on the
emotions and feelings, and not the situation. If you want to be heard, then
you must describe your feelings and emotions, and not just what is
happening because everyone can easily see what it is. What they cannot see
are your feelings and emotions which makes it important that you reveal
them through words.

The crucial aspect of expressing your emotions is to ensure not to make it

feel like you are blaming someone or something. For example, if you say, “I
feel misunderstood…’ could translate to someone not making an effort to
understand you resulting in transferring or laying blame on others.

“I feel good about what happened,” or “I feel bad about what happened,” is
talking about your feelings. Similarly, asking someone, ‘How do you feel
about what happened?’ instead of simply asking, ‘What happened?’ will
shift the focus from the situation to the person’s feelings and interpretation.
This makes people feel like they are being heard, and their concerns are
being addressed.
Needs and Requests
The third step in the NVC four-step process is to identify the need behind
the feelings or emotions. This approach is based on one of the assumptions
of NVC which is that we all experience emotions because of an underlying
need. So, the next step after identifying the feeling is to discern and identify
it.

Human beings feel a sense of dissatisfaction leading to anger and

resentment when we have unmet needs. Interestingly, the founder of NVC,
Marshall B. Rosenberg noticed that nearly all human needs can fit into a
small list of categories including honesty, connection, peace, a sense of
purpose, physical well-being, and autonomy.

Identifying needs is the turning point in conflict resolution. You can ask
questions that will bring the underlying need of the other person’s emotions
to the surface. For example, you can say, ‘Can you tell me exactly what
your concerns are and from where do these concerns arise?’

Similarly, when you are talking about your unmet need, you must explicitly
express the problem. For example, in that husband-wife conversation, if the
husband had said something like this, ‘I am worried about job security if
people are allowed to migrate without restriction,’ would have immediately
reflected the unmet human need of peace and well-being.

In any conversation, if two people are talking without understanding the

drive and motivation of the other person, then the resultant conversation
will look like two overflowing glasses of water with no space to hold
anything more. In order to understand any person’s perspective, you must
first empty your mind so that there is space for what the other individual is
trying to put in.
The Importance of Unlearning Old Lessons
Here is a beautiful Zen Buddhist story that illustrates the need to empty our
biases to understand and appreciate someone else’s point of view. A highly
learned professor went to a master to learn Zen. As the master was filling
the professor’s teacup, the professor was continuously talking about what
he knew and had heard about the subject.

The master listened without saying a word and poured tea into the
professor’s cup until it reaches the brim. However, the master did not stop
here. He continued to pour the liquid resulting in the cup overflowing. The
professor watched this strange action for some time, and then abruptly
stopped talking about Zen, and told the master, ‘Stop pouring. The cup
cannot hold anything more.’

The Zen master replied, ‘You are like the teacup. Unless you empty your
cup, how will I fill it with what I know of Zen?’ So, first empty your mind,
and only then are you ready to receive more.

Every situation can be seen through this four-step process which can then
be used to improve your communication style effectively. Here is an
example that explains the use of the 4-step nonviolent communication.

Sharon’s mother, Denise, is feeling quite frustrated with her daughter’s

annoying habit of bundling her socks into balls and throwing them all over
the house instead of putting them either in the washing machine or the
laundry basket. She has tried all the traditional methods of communicating
her anger and annoyance; by screaming, cajoling, bribing, etc. Nothing has
worked. So, Denise now decided to use the 4-step process of nonviolent
communication.

Observations – First, she observes everything around her and the external
conditions. Denise keeps out words like ‘annoying,’ ‘frustrated,’ etc.
Instead, she observes everything in a non-judgmental manner. She notices
the mess that the balled-up socks create in the living room, kitchen, etc. and
these are common areas in the home used by other members of the family
too.

Feelings – Next, she looks at how she is feeling and recognizes and
identifies some of the top emotions she is experiencing. Denise is frustrated,
angry, and feels helpless.

Needs – Denise then looks at her underlying need in this entire situation.
She needs the common spaces to look clean at all times so that everyone in
the house can get together without any feeling of discomfort brought about
by the odor of smelly socks.

Requests – After following the three steps, she words her communication
like this: Sharon, I can see three balls of socks under the dining table, and
two balls of rolled up socks under the settee in the living room. It angers me
to see these lying around in the common area of the home because this
space needs more order than your bedroom as everyone in the family
accesses and uses it. Can I request you to put your used socks either in the
laundry basket or the washing machine from now onwards?

The last sentence is the request part of the NVC process that has to be
delivered so that others can clearly and unequivocally understand our needs.
These needs are the ones that enrich our lives, and nonviolent
communication is the way that helps each of us achieve our needs using our
natural feeling of compassion to give and receive from the depths of our
heart.
 Chapter 4:
Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence
Let us assume a situation that is happening in your professional life. You
own a small website-building firm that is doing reasonably good business.
You have five employees working for you, and your professional life is well
on its path to becoming a big success.

It is a clear Monday morning; sunny skies and all your employees have
turned out. Your accountant prints out last week’s sales figures and you are
happy with the numbers. The present week also promises to bring in some
good business. Everything seems hunky-dory, and you are feeling happy
and good. There are no major strong emotions in your system currently.

Suddenly your phone rings and one of your topmost clients; one who
contributes to nearly 20% of your business is on the line. He is furious
because his website has stopped working, and he has lost a lot of business
because of this, and he blames you for it and threatens to take away his
business unless you find a way to correct the mistakes right away. In that
spur of a moment, you become acutely aware of the following:

Your heart is beating fast.

Your hands are all clammy with sweat.
You are unable even to form words of apology.
You almost drop your phone.

You become aware that you are now anxious and the calm feeling you had a
couple of minutes ago has gone! This is the most basic form of self-
awareness which is a simple phrase to explain a complex network of
information and data about your feelings, your thoughts, and all the things
happening to you.
Self-awareness is a measure of how well you know yourself at different
levels including the senses of your physical body, emotions, intentions,
preferences, goal and desires, how you are perceived by other people, and
more. The higher your level of self-awareness the easier it is to find ways to
adapt yourself to different situations and requirements. And the better we
can adapt our responses and reactions to the people in our lives, the more
satisfying our relationships will be.

We are constantly bombarded by messages from all over the globe, and yet
we know so little about our own selves. We don’t know how to set up a
conversation with ourselves and build our self-awareness. And when we
don’t know ourselves well, we fall short of understanding other people too.
Our inability to recognize and identify our emotions reduces our ability to
respond appropriately and in ways that meet everyone’s needs.

Therefore, increasing your self-awareness is a crucial element to improving

emotional intelligence. All emotions and feelings are nothing but bytes of
data made up of energy. All types of emotions are giving us information of
some sort. Even the unpleasant emotions give us valuable information.
Therefore, emotions are always positive when it comes to how much we
can learn from them. The more we tune in to our emotions, the healthier we
become by leveraging the power of the data provided by the feelings.
Being Aware Of Your Emotions vs. Expressing Them
Yes, expressing your emotions is quite a different matter from being aware
of them. How we express our emotions, or even whether we express them at
all, is our deliberate choice. However, making the right choice regarding
emotional expressions first requires you to be aware of them, to know they
exist, and the physical and mental feelings they bring with them. Once we
become aware of our emotions, then an entire gamut of how we can express
them opens up, and you can choose what suits you the best at that particular
point in time.

Reacting to emotions without being aware of them are automatic, and are
neither guided by intuition nor by reason. Suppose you start your day with
some negative experience. The unpleasantness of that bitter experience will
invariably spill on to the day, and you will show your unhappiness and
negative behavior right through the day without even knowing that these
negativities are the residual effects of the morning unpleasantness.

Then, someone who cares for you and knows you well walks into your
cabin and reminds you of your irritable state of mind right from the
morning. That is the first time you are made aware of your feelings and
emotions and their root cause. We are, in effect, startled into a state of
awareness. Once we ‘experience’ our emotions, then our brains are wired
into this experience, and it uses this new data to find ways to overcome
your negativity. This new information gained by our brain through our
awareness of the feelings is used to look at things in a positive perspective
which was not visible before we became ‘aware’ of that nasty emotion.

The lack of self-awareness also can be damaging because you could have
reached the brink, and if you still are not aware, then wittingly or not
someone is going to push you over the brink. This situation happens
because a limbic memory (something beyond our control) has been
triggered, and we end up using responses learned earlier during our
childhood days such as shrinking from our boss when he or she shouts at us
just like how we behaved during our childhood days when some strict elder
in the house or teacher in school screamed at us for some wrongdoing.
The lack of self-awareness results in the loss of self-control. Therefore, self-
awareness is the first step to get back control of your life and empower
yourself to react and respond appropriately. This self-control and the
freedom to behave as you wish are the pillars that hold up the power of
empathy and genuine concern for fellow-beings.

Most of the time, we are unaware of our emotions until such time they
become very strong. It is important to know that just like how we are
always thinking something (our thoughts never stop), we are always feeling
something. Just like how we have to become acutely aware of our thoughts
to be more intelligent, we have to become acutely aware of our emotions to
become emotionally intelligent. We should learn to feel and experience our
emotions.
Self-Awareness and Nonviolent Communication
Let us look at the four components of nonviolent communication through
the lens of self-awareness and understand the connection between the two.
The four pillars of nonviolent communication include observation, feelings,
needs, and requests.
Observations and Self-Awareness
What is observation? It is our ability to discern the various stimuli that are
driving our reactions and responses. The sight of a cute baby gurgling with
laughter brings a smile to our faces. The sight of an image depicting a
starving child in a remote famine-ridden place fills our heart with sadness,
and many times, such powerful images can involuntarily bring tears in our
eyes.

Observation is what we see, hear, feel, and sense the different stimuli within
us and in our surroundings. The purpose of self-awareness is to be
accurately aware and describe what we are reacting or responding to. The
trick in self-awareness is to be aware of everything that is taking place at
any point in time neutrally and objectively. You must be like a video camera
that is merely capturing everything that is happening at the point in time
without judging.

What we observe neutrally and specifically gives us the context for our
reactions, responses, and the expressions of emotions and needs. The key
element in building good observational skills is to be able to separate your
own opinions and judgments from the description of the stimuli, and this
attitude and approach are what will help in creating and maintaining
nonviolent communication with everyone around us.

For instance, if we said, ‘You were rude to me,’ to someone, that person is
quite likely to disagree with us. However, if we said, ‘When you walked
into the room, I noticed that you did not greet me,’ they are more likely to
agree with you because your description of the observation was accurate,
objective, and did not include your own interpretation.

When we describe our observation in this way without mixing up our

feelings in the description, the person you are speaking to is quite likely to
involve himself or herself in this first stage of the conversation without
reacting negatively, and more willing to move towards the feelings and
needs aspect of the communication process.
Therefore, by becoming more self-aware, you learn to translate your own
opinions, interpretations, and judgments into an objective observational
language. This approach helps to move away from our feelings of
right/wrong. Consequently, we will find it easy to take responsibility for our
actions because this objective outlook will direct our attention to the fact
that our feelings are a result of our needs, and does not have anything to do
with the other person(s).

Therefore, building observation skills helps us develop increased self-

awareness, helping us get closer to our true self. Increased self-awareness
builds our relationships and connections with other people as well, and our
overall consciousness will shift towards becoming more authentic than
before.
Feelings and Self-Awareness
What are feelings? They represent our collective physical sensations and
emotional experiences connected to our met and/or unmet needs. Self-
awareness is our ability to identify and label these feelings, again without
judgment. It is important to focus on words that express the feeling and
emotion instead of focusing on words that express our interpretations and
opinions on the actions of other people.

Here is an example to illustrate the above point; telling your partner ‘I feel
lonely,’ describes your feeling. However, if you said, ‘I feel that you don’t
like me anymore,’ is a description of your interpretation of your partner’s
behavior. Expressing your feelings is continuing to take responsibility for
your actions and your experiences.

Here is another example to illustrate how increased self-awareness about

your feelings and emotions can help you manage difficult situations.
Suppose your new team member goofed up big time on a very important
project that is due in a week.

It is true that you are angry with him or her for the mistake committed.
However, if you include your own feeling of anxiety about completing the
project well and on time, then your reaction to the person’s faults will be
more wholesome, and you will be in a better frame of mind to help the new
person to correct the errors and still meet the deadline.

Consequently, the listener gets to hear about your feelings without the
burden of having to take blame, criticism or responsibility for your
experiences. This kind of a situation enhances the chances of the outcome
of the communication process to meet the needs of everyone concerned.

Identifying and labeling emotions is a critical step to building self-

awareness, improving your nonviolent communication capabilities, and
increasing your emotional intelligence. Remember there are no good or bad
emotions; there are only emotions. Yes, some of the feelings may appear to
be more pleasant to experience than others. However, every emotion is
giving you valuable information, and self-awareness helps you discern this
valuable information.

Also, feelings need not always accurately reflect the situation. It is possible
for you to feel guilty even when you know you have done no wrong or feel
a sense of panic when there is really nothing to fear or a sense of joy even
in a toxic relationship. Even misplaced emotions are communicating
something important to you.

For example, if you are feeling unduly guilty, then maybe it is time for you
to start creating boundaries for yourself and reducing other people’s
expectations from you. Feelings of misplaced fear could be an indication
that this is new territory for you, and you will benefit from the learning.

All this can happen only when you become increasingly aware of your
feelings, and delve deep into your psyche to try and analyze them, and see
whether or not they fit into the situation that created them in the first place.
Here are some feelings and what they might convey to you. Remember this
list is only a guideline to get you started on increasing your self-awareness
about your feelings. You could build your own set of guidelines as you
become increasingly aware of how your emotions play out. Also, remember
the intensity of the emotions is telling you something.

Love – Love could be telling you that something (or everything) about a
particular relationship or situation is going well.

Grief – Sadness or grief is an indication that you need love and succor from
others. It is important to listen to this emotion and reach out for help
because unresolved grief can lead to disastrous outcomes.

Guilt – Guilt is typically an indicator of some mistake we have done. You

can use guilt to correct mistakes. Undue guilt could be an indication that
you have let others raise their expectations from you excessively.

Shame – Perhaps, one of the most unpleasant emotions to go through,

shame also has a purpose. The biggest disadvantage of feeling shame is that
it makes us feel inadequate and flawed, and these negative feelings could
drive us to go into hiding which is counterproductive to solving problems.

For example, if you are ashamed of being overweight, then not being
socially active could be a way of hiding this feeling. Identifying and
labeling this emotion is the first step to correcting such faulty beliefs, and
finding ways to overcome challenges that are creating the feeling of shame
in you.

Anger – This is a powerful emotion that tells us that we have been

wronged. The most basic reaction would be to either confront the person
who is the cause of your anger or simply speak to someone you trust and
express your anger openly. Accumulating anger is one of the most
debilitating ways of handling this potent feeling. You can channelize anger
into productive work.

Anxiety – There are two types of anxiety namely productive and non-
productive. The productive anxiety is giving you mature advice to remain
on your guard and alert to get the best outcome for yourself to achieve all
your dreams and desires. Non-productive anxiety, on the other hand, is
debilitating to the point of not allowing you to do your regular daily tasks. It
increases stress and reduces your ability to get things done effectively and
efficiently.

Happiness – Like love, the feeling of true happiness is an indication that

something is going right. Happiness can be felt even during difficult phases
of your life. For example, if you have not had enough money to take your
children out for a fancy Christmas dinner but have managed to cook up
some amazing food for them at home, and they have that grateful smile on
their faces despite their disappointment, you will feel happiness.
Needs and Self-Awareness
All human beings share critical survival needs including food, sleep, shelter,
rest, and a desire to connect with other human beings. Other than these
basic needs, we have other needs that we share. These needs are
experienced by different people at varying degrees of intensity. Some of us
need the feeling of connection more than others while some might have an
increased need for self-esteem.

Moreover, in different situations, our needs could be different. For example,

when at home, one individual might need the attention of his or her spouse
more than anything else while at the workplace, the same person might not
need the attention of other people.

Self-awareness is to be totally aware of these deep longings that form the

foundation of our life purposes. When we are deeply aware of these
longings, then we are able to connect to ourselves in a much better way than
before which in turn helps us build better relationships with other people.
Being aware of our needs helps us behave and act in ways that meet
everyone’s needs.

Most often, we express our wants and needs through a strategy of asking for
something from someone. For example, ‘Please come to my birthday party,’
is a specific strategy that reflects your need for love and companionship on
that special day. Once you shift your focus from the strategy to the
underlying need then you liberate yourself from finding having to limit the
ways of meeting that need. You are ready to explore other alternatives.
Moreover, when you become aware of the fact that everything you do or
say reflects an underlying need, then you will also learn to understand that
the same holds good for others as well.

When needs are met or unmet, feelings arise. Feelings are triggered by our
experience associated with the unmet or met needs; positive if met and
negative if unmet. When we connect our feelings to our needs, we take
responsibility for our emotions resulting in blame-free and criticism-free
relationships with others.
Requests and Self-Awareness
Requests represent strategies that help us meet our needs. Identifying and
accepting this deep connection between requests and needs will enhance
our self-awareness. Quite often, in any given moment in time, the responses
of other people to our requests are based on our connection with them. For
example, if you ask someone, ‘What do you think of this?” their response to
your question is dependent on your connection with them then.

The most important element of creating strategies through requests is to be

ready to take ‘no’ for an answer and continue to seek out alternative
solutions either on your own or with the help of others. A critical difference
between a demand and a request lies in our response to a situation when the
other person denies our request/demand. In the case of demand, a denial
typically leads to conflict or some other sort of punitive consequence
whereas a denied request usually leads to further dialogue.

In a request scenario, a ‘no’ is nothing but an expression of some unmet

need for the other person which is preventing him or her from saying ‘yes’.
Increased self-awareness will alert you to the fact that saying ‘yes’ to your
request is proving very costly for the other person, and a bit of negotiation
is in order to make sure that both your needs are met.

Here is a classic example of how to discern between an undoable demand

and a doable request that meets the needs of everyone concerned. Suppose
you have an employee who has a problem with coming late. One way of
ensuring discipline is by saying, ‘I want you to be on time to the office
consistently.’

However, this is undoable because obviously there is some need of his that
is being unmet which is why he is not able to come on time. Moreover, he is
bound to come up with some excuse each day even after promising to be on
time due to other unmet needs that were not resolved with your undoable
demand.
Instead, if you told him, ‘Can you spare me 15 minutes so that we can
discuss how we can help each other to make sure you don’t come late to the
office every day?’ Now, this request is doable because not only is your need
for time discipline met but also the employee’s needs of confidence,
connection, trust, respect, responsibility, etc.. This willingness to work
together to meet everyone’s needs is a sign of high emotional intelligence
and a key differentiator of a highly self-aware individual.
Tips to Build Self-Awareness
So, how can you build your level of self-awareness to develop your
emotional intelligence and nonviolent communication skills? Here are some
tips for that:

See yourself objectively – When you see yourself objectively, it is easier to

come to terms with your weaknesses and feel proud of your strengths
without bordering on arrogance. For example, think of your current
situation, and write down your thoughts. Here are some prompts:

What are you good at?

What do you need to improve on?
What are the accomplishments are you proud of?
What are the things could you have done better?
What are the happy memories of your childhood? What has
changed since then, and why?

Seek out people whom you trust and ask for honest feedback – Knowing
yourself also means knowing how other people perceive you. This can be
quite a challenge because most people find it difficult to give honest
feedback. The ones who dislike you will be critical of your every effort, and
those who like you might not want to hurt you by giving criticisms.

It is only those who truly love and care for you who will give you honest,
upfront feedback; using which you can progress in your self-awareness
journey. Keep track of such people, and always keep them in your life.

Maintain a journal – Write down your thoughts in a journal as often as

you can. Doing it every day before you go to bed is the most effective way
of looking back on your day objectively as you note down the events and
your accompanying thoughts and feelings.

However, sometimes, during highly emotional periods, you might want to

write down your intense emotions immediately. Don’t hesitate to make a
note in little chits of paper. This action of transferring your thoughts into a
written form is a great way to release the emotion-driven stress from your
system. Make sure you write down both the good and bad things that took
place during the day.

Also, write down your needs, plans, goals, and priorities. Thoughts are
nebulous and putting them down into words and saving them on paper is the
best way to read and learn from your experiences later on.

Allocate some time for self-reflection – Increasing self-awareness means

you have to be with yourself for some time. Use this alone time for self-
reflection. Don’t skim the surfaces of your emotions. Dig deep and ask
yourself why you are so happy. Don’t feel ashamed to face your jealousies
and other weaknesses. There is nothing wrong about having flaws. What is
wrong is not finding the courage to fight them and overcome them.

Focus on your breath – Get away from the hustle and bustle of your daily
life for at least 15 minutes each day. Choose any convenient time. Find a
quiet, undisturbed, and comfortable spot. Sit down, and close your eyes.
Now, observe how you breathe.

Don’t try and control it. Simply observe the inhalation and exhalation
process. Your thoughts are bound to wander away. Bring your mind gently
to focus on your breath. Initially, 15 minutes will seem like a long time.
However, soon you will find that you feel more connected to yourself than
before. You are comfortable being alone with your thoughts. You like
solitude.

Practice mindfulness – Mindfulness is the science of ‘living in the

moment’ so that you experience and engage with life fully. Immerse
yourself in every action you are performing. Focusing on your breath is a
deliberate mindfulness exercise. Here are some more.

For example, when you eat your meals, the current trend is to watch TV or
carry on a conversation with other people. For your next meal, focus only
on eating your meal. Take small bites. Chew at least 20 times before
swallowing. Focus and feel the flavor, texture, and taste of the food. Don’t
focus on whether you like it or not. Simply focus on the sensations in your
mouth and tongue.

When you are walking, focus on the sensations on your legs, how the calf
muscles, ankles, and other parts of your legs are moving. Focus on your
breathing. Is it very fast or is it slow? Don’t try to control it. Simply observe
all your feelings and sensations.

Slowly, with practice, you will find yourself becoming increasingly

productive and efficient because your entire being is focused on this one
act. You will find yourself being able to recognize every feeling your body
senses as you eat, sleep, walk, wash dishes, breathe, etc.

These are some of the most basic methods of developing self-awareness.

The more self-aware you are, the better control you have over how you
choose to react and respond to your emotions.
 Chapter 5:
Emotional Intelligence and Self-Regulation
Avery returned home after a hectic day at the office and found her 2 four-
and five-year-olds squabbling and fighting with each other over some small
issue. Avery is dog-tired, and moreover, she had a tiff with her boss leading
to negative emotions swarming her body, heart, and mind.

She walks into the apartment and sees her children screaming at each other
while her husband is watching his favorite game on TV seemingly
unperturbed by the noise in the house. Avery loses her temper and shouts at
her children to shut up, and the scared children scoot away to their room
while her husband glares at his wife for losing her temper in this extreme
fashion in front of the children.

Avery sat quite stunned at her own action and felt miserable for her
behavior. She went and apologized to her children, and yet, that seed of fear
for their mother’s temper was already sown in their minds. The problem in
this situation was not that Avery had a bad day, and she was feeling
overwhelmingly tired and emotionally drained. She could feel these
emotions strongly. She was intensely aware of her grief and pain. However,
what she lacked was the ability to manage and regulate these emotions
appropriately and maturely.

Therefore, in addition to being self-aware, you must skill yourself to

manage and regulate your emotions to achieve high levels of emotional
intelligence. Being aware of your anger, and then choosing to express it on
some hapless victim is not a sign of emotional intelligence.

Self-regulation of emotions does not translate to subduing, making or

hiding your true feelings. It means to recognize them and manage them
appropriately. Self-regulation means showing maturity when you express
your emotions. It translates to expressing your emotions appropriately and
in a dignified manner. People with high levels of self-regulation skills are
also very sensitive to others’ feelings, and will always use nonviolent
communication methods.

Self-regulation is thinking before acting. The thinking time gives you the
needed timeout to bounce back after failures and disappointments and also
lets you plan your reaction maturely after resounding successes before
impulsiveness tears you down.

In short, self-regulation involves controlling your behavior, emotions, and

limiting thoughts for delayed gratification, and to achieve long-term goals
through the art of nonviolent communication. Self-regulation consists of
five different components including:

1. Self-control
2. Trustworthiness
3. Conscientiousness
4. Adaptability
5. Innovation

Let us connect with each of these elements to understand them better.

Self-Control
Self-control is the ability to keep a firm leash on our emotions, desires, and
appetites. People with self-control can manage and temper their needs and
wants to match their capabilities and strengths. People who have good self-
control have the following habits deeply inculcated in them:

Self-preservation – Self-controlled people maintain a healthy approach

towards their needs, and are aware of when they are crossing the limit to
wander into ‘wants.’ They do not hesitate to get what they need to enrich
their lives and those of their loved ones. However, they do not overindulge
which could potentially result in exploitative behavior; a key element that is
totally contrary to nonviolent communication.

Self-assertion – People with self-control do not fear to voice their opinions

and concerns without trampling on or violating the rights of other people.
They exhibit a firm and strong attitude without demeaning themselves or
other people. They display a high level of assertiveness.

Self-fulfillment – This element is closely related to resilience. People with

strong self-control know, understand, and appreciate the importance of
persistent efforts even in the face of temporary setbacks. They know that
perseverance might seem hard but has success and pleasure on the other
side of it.

Therefore, self-control is the ability to enjoy and indulge in the good things
of life without wanting something excessively and identifying the point
when you have had enough, and need to stop indulging.

In this age of instant gratification, self-control is an undervalued virtue. Yet,

it is worthy of developing as you will find it very useful to manage difficult
and unpleasant situations with dignity and respect. So, when should you
stop indulging? Or, when do you know that you need to exercise self-
control? Well, you will need to exercise self-control in any of the following
two conditions:
 When you feel an overwhelming desire to indulge in something
pleasurable, but you know that the indulgence is not good for
you.
When you feel a sense of disgust at having to do something that
is not so pleasurable, but you know that it is good for you.

Shame is an excellent emotion to develop your self-control. Generally,

when you have not been able to exercise self-control and end up eating or
drinking despite promising yourself not to, you feel a deep sense of shame
because of having let yourself down. This feeling of shame can be
productively channeled to build your self-control.

Observe the feeling of shame, and make notes in your journal without
holding back anything. The next time you think you are losing your self-
control, go back and read that piece about feeling shame, and it is likely that
you can find the resolve to prevent giving in to your indulgent behavior.
You will be able to exercise self-restraint in a better way than before.
Trustworthiness
Trustworthiness is the ability to maintain your integrity and to lead your life
based on your core principles without compromising them at any point in
time. Trustworthy people are driven by ethics, and will not do things that
are morally and/or legally wrong.

Such people develop trust based on their consistent actions which are, in
turn, a reflection of their core personal values. These people do not hesitate
to stand up to confront unethical activities and take a principled stand even
in the face of rising unpopularity for themselves. Here are some of the top
traits of trustworthy individuals:

They keep their promises – Keeping promises is the most important and
obvious element of trustworthiness. Trustworthy individuals will leave no
stone unturned to ensure they keep all their promises. If for some reasons
beyond their control, they cannot keep their promises, trustworthy people
will quickly keep all stakeholders informed of an impending breach of trust
well in advance. Other than these extremes, a trustworthy person will
always keep his or her promise.

They handle pressure well – When under pressure, trustworthy people

don’t spew venom on hapless and less powerful victims. They will not
humiliate others, raise their voices, or use their position to bully others.
They will take some time off and get their emotions and panic under control
before taking the stage.

They rescue people in trouble – Trustworthy people stand up for their

people and team members. If for example, a team member was humiliated
publicly (such as in an official meeting) for a mistaken presentation or
something, then as a trustworthy leader, they will stand up for his or her
team member, and find a way to help save face.

They do not indulge in cynicism and gossip – Gossip and cynicism are
the tarnishing images of an untrustworthy person. Both these elements build
distrust and animosity. Therefore, trustworthy people will not indulge in
spreading cynicism and gossip.

Trustworthy people have realistic expectations from others – Unrealistic

deadlines from team members, unrealistic expectations from children, or
unrealistic expectations from themselves are all things that trustworthy
people avoid completely. Their needs are based on practical and doable
actions, and consequently, they are able to create great loyal teams and keep
all their promises.

Trustworthy people are ready to let go of control when the situation calls
for it – For example, in an office environment, a trustworthy leader will be
ready to delegate part of his work to his team members giving them
opportunities to grow as well as a feeling that the leader is willing to put his
or her trust in that team member. The second reason is one of the biggest
confidence boosters for any junior team member and used by effective
leaders as part of their nonviolent communication to build and develop trust
within the team.

Trustworthy people always show gratitude – They are people who don’t
take anything for granted and are always grateful for the many good things
in their lives.
Conscientiousness
Conscientiousness is being able to take responsibility for your performance
ensuring your hard work maximizes your potential and capabilities.
Conscientiousness is standing up for what you believe is right. Let us take
this case study for illustrative purposes:

There was a team of college students who were collaborating to create a

presentation for their final group assignment. It involved a lot of research
work, collating data, culling the essentials, and then putting everything
together in a nice-looking data-driven but engaging and interesting
presentation.

Stefan, one of the students, said, ‘We will all split up the work, and
complete the writing part of the project. Then, we can hand over the data to
a friend of mine who will add the glitter needed to make it an amazing
presentation. Anyway, none of us is skilled in that domain. And, we can get
better grades too.’

Everyone, except Allen, in the group agreed. Anyway, there was so much to
do, and final exams and tests and many, many more presentations have also
to be prepared. However, Allen was not to be deterred.

He said, ‘I don’t think it is right to get our work done by someone else.
After all, we are being graded against other equals in our class, and it is not
fair that we get an undue advantage over them.’ The others were not happy
and were irritated with Allen. But he stood his ground.

However, he added, ‘What if we spoke to the teachers and asked for

permission to get that part of the work to be done by a professional, and it
would hold for the entire class?’ The group agreed wholeheartedly.

This is classic conscientious behavior. It calls for standing up for the right
thing even in the face of adversity and the risk of becoming unpopular.
Conscientious people indulge in doing activities that do not give anyone an
undue advantage in any way. Once they accept a task, then they hold
themselves accountable for it. Conscientious people know their limitations
and will take on only that work that they know they can achieve well. They
keep their needs within their capabilities.
Adaptability
A couple had been married for nearly 25 years, and suddenly, one day the
lady wakes up and tells her husband that she cannot live with him anymore,
and wants a divorce. The husband is devastated, and he begs and pleads
with her promising to do everything in his power to keep her happy. But,
she doesn’t relent and walks out.

The husband doesn’t know what to do. He rants and raves, and keeps
hounding his wife. His behavior only drives her further away. The husband
just couldn’t accept this change in his life. What he forgot was that every
day his wife was changing so that his life remains unchanged. Then, the
time came when the wife reached her breach point and took the extreme
measure of leaving her husband because she couldn’t change anymore.

Emotionally intelligent people are adaptable in a healthy way. They accept

changes positively not because they have no option but because they have
the strength, power, and vision to create great opportunities for everyone
concerned including themselves.

Adaptability is the skill that reflects your flexibility to adapt to changes.

Human beings resist changes. You only need to see small children and their
tearful faces when they endure the changing phases in their lives such as
going to school. And yet, ironically, change is the only thing constant. If we
don’t build our capability to adapt to changes, it can affect our growth and
development significantly. With the right mindset, we can convert our
perspective on ‘change’ from problem to opportunity.

People with a high level of adaptability:

Can manage multiple tasks, prioritize effectively, and adapt to

changes rapidly.
Can manage their responses and reactions for optimum effect in
any given particular situation.
Can see multiple perspectives which, in turn, gives them access
to multiple solutions.
In today’s fast-paced world, changes are not just inevitable but take place at
rapid paces leaving those who cannot adapt quickly almost breathless.
Therefore, adaptability is a key area of concern for people wanting to
improve their emotional quotient. Adaptability is essential to move forward
in the world even as you help others struggling to adapt to change to the
best extent possible. Taking everyone together is the way of nonviolent
communication.
Innovation
Emotional intelligence is about accepting change, and also bringing about
change. Emotionally intelligent people are brimming with ideas. Innovation
is not just limited to professional growth but is a useful skill even to build
and sustain personal relationships.

For example, one of the biggest challenges of keeping old marriages going
strong is to find ways to express love and romance in innovative ways. A
long-lasting marriage can easily slide into ‘boring’ which is the beginning
of the end unless both the partners innovate and bring joy and cheer to each
other in new ways. Being aware of this aspect is a sign of emotional
intelligence.

Innovation has three skills integrated with it namely persuasion, people

management, and adaptability. Persuasion skills reflect your ability to
convince and persuade others to invest resources in your ideas. People
management skills reflect your ability to handle teams of varying sizes
ranging from two (in a partnership like marriage) to many, many more
(typically in the workplace situations where teams work together to meet a
common end). Adaptability is, of course, the ability to adapt to changes
quickly and effectively for positive outcomes.
Self-Regulation and Nonviolent Communication
Self-regulation is, therefore, a skill that allows you to manage and regulate
your emotions, especially in emotionally charged up situations wherein
your feelings could overwhelm you beyond your control. An individual
with self-regulation skills can communicate compassionately with others
which is the key element in nonviolent communication.

A self-regulated person can easily learn and understand the skills of

nonviolent communication which helps people to:

Talk in a way that inspires compassionate understanding.

Start off difficult and unpleasant conversations easily and
without much ado.
Stay grounded and calm when listening to unpleasant and
difficult messages.
Discover the empowering strength of anger so that it can be used
productively instead of using it to create valueless blame and
criticisms.
Bring about positive changes in the thinking process that could
otherwise lead to excessive, and many times, undue feelings of
guilt, shame, and ultimately, depression.
Find happiness by discovering the power of gratitude.
Convert negative feedback and criticisms into life-serving
lessons.
Heal painful relationships and help to resolve long-standing
conflicts.
Inspire people to make self-serving positive behavioral changes.

Picture this situation: A leader just watched his team bungle up an

important presentation quite badly. When the presentation is over, this
person might actually want to slam the door and walk out after giving a
cold, hard stare to his team members. This would typically be a knee-jerk
reaction of people with low levels of emotional intelligence.
However, a leader who knows how to self-regulate will step back from that
highly charged position, and spend the time to plan his response carefully.
He will first acknowledge that his team has goofed and will take
responsibility for the event because he is the leader. He will brainstorm with
his team for the reasons and causes for the fiasco ensuring there are no
harsh judgments passed around.

Was the failure because of a lack of effort? Was his team at a distinctive
disadvantage? What was his own role in the failure? Finding answers for
such objective questions will be the primary purpose of the brainstorming
session. A self-regulated leader will make sure that his entire team
including himself have learned as much as possible from this situation, and
if an opportunity knocks again, his team will be ready with a well-
considered presentation incorporating all the lessons learned.

Therefore, learning to self-regulate will help in building nonviolent

communication skills.
 Chapter 6:
Emotional Intelligence and Empathy
Steve walked into his office on Monday morning, and found his secretary,
Pamela, sitting with her shoulders slumped, and staring unseeing at
something on her desk. She was obviously lost in thought, and clearly
negative thoughts. Her frown was prominent, and her mouth was turned
down in sadness.

She did not even hear Steve’s good morning wish as she continued sitting
unmoving on her chair. Steve left his office bag on his desk and came back
to Pamela’s desk. He touched her gently on her shoulders and shook her.
She startled herself to the present time, and turned to Steve, and hurriedly
put on a fake smile, and said, ‘Good morning, Steve.’

Steve asked, ‘Is everything alright?’ She looked at him, and tears
automatically welled up. She brushed them away, and said, ‘I’m fine,’ and
went back to work. However, Steve did not let go. He said, ‘Come to my
office, and tell me what happened. Help me help you, Pamela.’ She got up
and followed her boss.

Steve not only showed concern for his staff but also very subtly displayed
organizational intelligence. He knew and understood that in her current
frame of mind Pamela would not be able to work to her best potential. Her
needs have to be addressed first.

Therefore, instead of ignoring her obvious need for help, he chose to use his
emotional intelligence and nonviolent communication skills to help build
trust and empathy. This approach will not only help in addressing Pamela’s
problem but also the company’s long-term productivity will be impacted
positively as is bound to with happy employees whose needs are taken care
of.
One of the most effective ways of showing your concern is by
demonstrating empathy as illustrated by Steve in the above example.
Empathy is, perhaps, the most crucial element for effective communication.
Empathy adds a certain sensitivity to social interaction, fine tunes your
social awareness skills, and helps you respond quickly and effectively to
people’s nonverbal cues. Empathy can be used to defuse tensions between
two groups even before it leads to conflicts.

Moreover, the need for attachment, connection, the sense of belonging, and
validation are all biologically wired into our psyche. An unfortunate
element in the stress-filled modern-day is the lack of empathy. The modern-
day culture that is so attuned to winning, success and coming first seems
devoid of empathy as each person is trying to defeat the other person to take
his or her place in the rat race.

So, what is empathy? The word was adopted into the English language only
a century ago. Empathy has its roots in the German word, ‘einfuhlung’
which translates to ‘feeling into.’ It is the ability to recognize, identify,
understand, and be sensitive to another individual’s thoughts and emotions
without having the same experience yourself. Our need for empathy is
based on our need to be fully heard, understood, and respected for our
experience. In the same vein, giving empathy means to fully hear,
understand, and respect the other person’s experience.

The crucial thing to remember here is that giving empathy to someone does
not mean agreeing with his or her ideas. It is only accepting and respecting
what the person is experiencing and fully hearing his or her thoughts and
ideas. Reflecting and paraphrasing what you heard is a great way to let the
other person know that you are fully present in the conversation and you are
following and understanding what he or she is relating to you.

When the speaker has completed whatever he or she has to say, and is
satisfied that you have fully heard and understood his or her perspective, it
is quite likely that they turn around and ask you for your opinion. At this
point in time, it makes sense to present your viewpoints objectively and
backed with solid reasons as to why you think differently. Therefore,
showing empathy does not compel you in any way to agree with the
speaker. It only fulfills the speaker’s need to be fully heard.
Empathy Vs. Sympathy
Empathy is defined as the ability to identify, recognize, and share the
emotions of another person by seeing situations from his or her perspective.
When you empathize, you share the other person’s sadness or distress
without going through the same experience as he or she is going through.

Sympathy, on the other hand, involves a sense of ‘community feeling’ or

‘fellow feeling.’ However, unlike empathy, sympathy does not include a
sharing of emotions and feelings. For example, suppose someone tells you
that he is feeling depressed because he has just lost his mother. Your
response is, ‘I lost my mother last year, and I know exactly what you are
going through.’ This would be sympathy and not empathy. Empathy is
hearing and understanding the other person’s perspective without going
through the same experience or emotion.
Empathy and Emotional Intelligence
Empathy is the foundation of emotional intelligence and nonviolent
communication. When you have to tell someone to empathize with another
person, what do you say? ‘Put yourself in his or her shoes.’ Empathy allows
you to communicate by understanding the other person’s ideas, thoughts,
and emotions.

Why is empathy such an important element in emotional intelligence? With

improved empathy, we can connect with our humanity. Empathy leads to
more meaningful and stronger relationships than before. With empathy, you
will find success in your workplace. Empathy helps you lead a healthier and
happier life than before.

Nearly all forms of success, especially those that involve working with
teams such as playing a team sport or building a business, are backed by the
high emotional intelligence of the leader and the team members. Emotional
intelligence typically starts with the leader, and the powers are then learned
by the team members.

Empathy builds sustained relationships by building trust and openness and

improving our understanding of the other person’s thoughts and ideas:

By building trust and openness – When you can empathize with people, you
are effectively building trust and openness. When people see your concern,
they are willing to be open with you and trust you with their secrets. With
increasing trust, more information, thoughts, and feelings can be shared.

For example, if you notice a team member is worried about something, and
you walk up to her and say, ‘I can see that something is bothering you.
Would you want to talk about it?’ And, if the other person, ‘No, I rather
not,’ then it is a sign that she doesn’t trust you.

An appropriate response from an emotionally intelligent person with a high

level of empathy would be, ‘Sure, I understand your hesitation in discussing
personal matters with me for the moment. I want to let you know that I’m
your friend, and would like to help you if you want. If you change your
mind about wanting to talk, you know where to find me. Just remember you
are not alone.’

Slowly but steadily, with your behavior and nonviolent communication

skills, you build empathy and with it trust and openness. Soon, the team
member will walk across to your desk and share her concern with you. And
the next time, she will do it without your asking.

By improving understanding – Empathy calls for listening to the speaker

with a focused mind. If you’re an empathetic listener, you drop everything
you are doing, and only listen to what the person is telling you. This form of
focused listening helps you understand what is being said as well as what is
being left unsaid through nonverbal cues, facial expressions, body
language, etc. Empathy might not help you read people’s minds, but it will
definitely help you get into the person’s head and understand what he or she
is going through completely.
Empathy and Nonverbal Communication
Demonstration of empathy and emotional intelligence can be done through
words and through nonverbal communication. Here are some ways to
enhance empathy with people around you through the use of nonverbal
communication:

Practice active and engaged listening – During any conversation,

irrespective of whether it is with a friend, colleague, loved one, or anyone
else, you can demonstrate empathy by practicing active and engaged
listening. Avoid multitasking when someone is speaking to you.

Don’t use your mobile phone or stare into your computer while someone is
talking to you. Instead, pay attention to the person’s words and the
nonverbal cues, and let him or her know that you are listening attentively.
Also, use paraphrasing and summarizing while you reflect on the
conversation to ensure you have understood what the speaker intended.

Sit next to the person instead of in front of the person – Sitting in front
might come across like a negotiation table involving a give-and-take
approach. You need that attitude in some areas. However, when you want to
demonstrate empathy, it is preferable that you sit next to the person.

Mirror the speaker’s body language – When speaking to a group, ensure

you are using an expansive and open body language. Use hand gestures to
connect yourself to the group so that there is a feeling of unity in the
situation. For one-on-one conversations, match the other person’s body
language, the tone of voice, energy levels and speed of talking. This attitude
lets the other person know that you are with him or her the entire way.

Relax your facial muscles – Many times, in our earnestness to demonstrate

empathy, we end up with facial expressions that appear rigid and strict. For
some people, showing empathy may not come naturally even if the person
is empathetic in the true sense of the word. However, for most people,
empathy has to be demonstrated to be understood.
Therefore, you might have to practice soft facial expressions in front of the
mirror. Practice the art of maintaining a soft expression on your face and
eyes. Learn to smile tenderly. If, nothing else works, remember a genuine,
honest smile of understanding is sometimes sufficient to let the person you
care about.

Initially, practicing body language and facial expressions might seem like
an act. However, it is important that your feeling of empathy is genuine.
You are only learning to demonstrate that feeling in a language that is
commonly accepted in society. Pretending to be empathetic without feeling
any genuine empathy is not the way of nonviolent communication.
How Not to Express Empathy
While human beings understand the power of empathy, we also love to
avoid pain. And being empathetic means feeling the other person’s pain.
Therefore, unwittingly, we end up falling into traps that appear we are
empathetic but, in truth, makes the other person feel even worse than
before. Here are some common pitfalls that we fall into when it comes to
expressing empathy.

Comparing with a situation worse than the speaker’s – Our primary

intention is to compare the speaker’s condition with another one that you
believe is worse off. While this approach might seem that we are helping
and empathizing with the speaker, in truth, we are, perhaps unintentionally,
displaying a belief that their problem is not very substantial.

By comparing with another seemingly more difficult scenario, we are

telling them their feelings and emotions are unworthy and invalid. This
approach makes the speakers feel that they and their problems are not
significant to you which is the exact opposite of what empathy stands for.
Therefore, do not compare worse-than-this situations to express empathy.

Telling them to look on the bright side of the situation – When someone
comes to us to talk about their problems, one of the most commonly used
comforting sentences is to say, ‘Don’t worry. Every cloud has a silver
lining,’ or ‘Look at the positive side of the situation; you can choose to look
at a half-filled glass as half-full or half-empty.’

These ‘positive-looking’ approaches are really effective ways to helping

people to find solutions for their problems. However, it is best not to use
them to express empathy. By focusing on the positive aspect, we are,
unwittingly belittling the speakers’ emotions and feelings, and telling them,
‘Ignore what you are feeling; instead, look at the good side.’

Again, this approach is contrary to what empathy means which actually

requires you to behave in a way that makes the speakers feel that they are
fully heard and understood. Empathizing with someone is to understand
what they are going through. They need empathy at that point in time. So,
tell them what you have understood by paraphrasing and reflecting which
makes them feel that you have gotten to the crux of their problems.

Once, they feel confident about your empathy and concern, then their minds
are ready to find solutions to their problems. While expressing empathy,
you simply need to be in their shoes.

Trying to problem-solve – Another common trap that we fall into is to

jump into problem-solving mode when the speaker is only looking for
empathy. Instead of being with the speaker, we quickly look for solutions
thinking that we are helping the person.

We assume that the person who has sought us out to speak is looking for
solutions. The typical layperson will think, ‘Why else will the person want
to tell his or her problem to me?’ An emotionally intelligent person will
quickly gauge that the speaker is looking for empathy, and will not
problem-solve at this stage. He or she will listen most attentively to the
speaker.
Elements of Empathy
If you are conscious of the following elements of empathy as you interact
with the speaker, then your empathetic feelings will be easily gauged by the
other person:

Your presence – Listen in rapt attention to what the speaker is saying.

Focus on the words and the nonverbal cues of the speaker. Avoid thinking
about what he or she is saying. In fact, you must empty your thoughts, and
only concentrate on the speaker’s voice, the tone of voice, rhythm, the in-
between silence, body language, facial expressions, and everything else
about the speaker’s speech so that you completely comprehend his or her
thoughts, ideas, and emotions.

Silent empathy – This element of empathy refers to listening to the speaker

without undue interruptions, and ensuring you catch all layers of
communication. Your focus on the speaker should be such that you can
guess his or her explicitly narrated feelings, unsaid emotions, underlying
needs, and their unspoken requests.

Conveying your understanding of the speaker’s narrative – The most

critical aspect of empathy is wanting to be fully heard and understood as per
their meaning. For this, as the listener, you must reflect back what you have
heard in your own paraphrased words so that you are completely convinced
they are being empathized.

The most important element in this aspect of empathy is to indulge in the

reflection and paraphrasing action in a way that does not imply your
agreement or disagreement with the feeling, emotion, or thought. By
reflecting and paraphrasing, you are only conveying the fact that you
understand what they are feeling, and you have heard them fully.

Use of the ‘need’ language – The trick in showing empathy is identifying

the underlying need in the situation being discussed. The reflection and
paraphrase should typically include the underlying need that you are
hearing in the conversation. In fact, once the need has been identified, the
speaker generally connects with you accepting the fact that you have clearly
and fully heard and understood him or her.

Empathy also involves taking a step back sometimes – Suppose you had
a loved one who has been diagnosed with a chronic illness, and he is in
terrible pain day in and day out. Asking the person how he or she is feeling
is not showing empathy at all. In fact, such people feel the pressure of
having to say ‘fine,’ even when they are not which aggravates the pain.

In such situation, it is important to step out of his space, and not make it
harder than it already is for him. Unless there is an update on the illness or
the treatment process, it makes no empathy to repeat asking this person how
he is feeling. Just let him know that you are there for him and that he only
needs to ask, and you will come running to help him.
How to Increase Your Empathy Quotient
Finally, here is a small step-by-step process that you can use in any
conversation to build and develop your levels of empathy.

Step 1: Listen well and speak very little – We are attuned to talking more
than listening. The first lesson to becoming more empathetic than before is
to listen more and speak less. Indulge in active listening and here are some
tips to improve your listening skills:

Give undivided attention to the speaker.

Give sufficient time for the speaker to deliver everything he or
she wants to say. Do not interrupt them except in extreme cases
when you think you haven’t heard something correctly. In fact,
allow the speakers to rant. Emotionally flustered people need to
give vent to their emotions, and this is where your empathy will
come in useful. Let them talk their hearts out.
Show your curiosity by asking insightful questions relevant to
the topic that is being discussed.
Paraphrase and summarize your understanding.

Step 2: Give voice to your perspective – Once the speaker feels satisfied
that his emotions and thoughts have been heard and understood well, then it
is time for you to give your viewpoint. Here are some examples:

I totally get your feeling of anger in this situation. What he/she

did is quite hurtful.
I can understand why you are feeling so helpless.

Put yourself in that person’s shoes, and feel his or her emotions, and let
those emotions guide you when you give your perspective.

Step 3: Display your vulnerability – Many of us are under the

misconception that displaying our vulnerability makes us appear weak or
foolish. However, in truth, our vulnerability helps us create strong and
sustainable bonds with other people. When we display our vulnerability, we
are telling the other person that we are human, and we feel the same pain
that they feel.

One way of showing our vulnerability is to try and recall a similar situation
that you experienced earlier. Don’t compare the situations. Just use it to
bring up the feelings that you had at that time, and use these emotions to
respond empathetically to the speaker.

Step 4: Don’t Make Any Assumptions – Assumptions are antagonistic to

empathy. Making assumptions are creating shortcuts to understanding a
situation. We don’t want to ask questions or try to know what exactly is
plaguing the speaker. Assumptions come in the way of making the speaker
feeling fully heard and understood.

Empathy takes time, and assumptions don’t. Don’t rush to demonstrate

empathy without truly understanding the situation the speaker is in. Take
some extra time, ask relevant questions, clarify your doubts, and then
demonstrate your understanding of the speaker’s emotions and thoughts.

In summary, empathy is one of the primary elements of emotional

intelligence and nonviolent communication. Empathetic people can spread
this critical element of EQ to others as well, and slowly but surely, the
world can become a more empathetic place that displays compassion and
love.
 Chapter 7:
Emotional Intelligence and Motivation
Another important element of emotional intelligence is motivation which
can be defined as your personal drive to achieve and do better than before.
Motivation also involves the level of commitment that you show towards
your goals, your initiative, and preparedness to grab opportunities that help
you achieve your goals. Motivation is a synonym for initiative, enthusiasm,
and persistence.

The HR Manager of a company was given the daunting task of looking at

the company’s persisting employee turnover problem, and to come up with
solutions to counter them. The lady in question, Marlene, had 2 months to
do the needful. For inexplicable reasons, she kept putting the work on this
particular project off. She seemed overwhelmed and was not able to gauge
what should her starting point be in this big messy problem.

One day, Marlene had a call from one of her old school friends about a
reunion at school. Although she seemed excited at the prospect of meeting
old friends, Marlene declined the invitation and told her friend that she
could not make it to the reunion. When she put the phone down, it suddenly
registered that the reason she could not take on any additional activities was
that she felt no motivation other than to do her day-to-day work. She was
already drained out and fatigued, and simply could not muster the necessary
motivation to do more than absolutely necessary.

The work that was given to Marlene merely remained another chore. What
enhanced the value of the work is her own motivation to find solutions. So,
in the absence of motivation, a critical emotion for initiative and drive, that
task remained untouched in the file, and unless something happened, then it
will be labeled as undone.
The thing about motivation is that it drives action not only for yourself, and
its energy is so deep and strong that you can motivate others to bring out the
best in them.

What is the meaning of motivation? Motivation is what drives you to do

something. Typically, all motivations are based on ‘pleasure’ and ‘pain.’ We
move towards what gives us pleasure and move away from what gives us
pain. Here are some classic examples of ‘pleasure’ motivation that draws us
to them:

Survival needs including food, clothing, protection, shelter, etc.

Accomplishments and achievements such as career, college,
sports, business success, etc.
Fun and enjoyment such as partying, playing, laughing, dancing,
indulging in a hobby, the taste of food, etc.
Curiosity or the urge to know and learn more.
Sex and drugs that release dopamine, the ‘happiness’ hormone
Money which is connected to the idea of freedom and abundance
Social status.
Individuality which is a sense of being unique or special.
Adventure or the feeling of excitement.

Things that bring pain and drive us away include:

Fear of loss.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of being rejected.
Fear of failure and disappointment.
Fear of uncertainty.
Fear of change.

Many times, we are motivated to do some things to ensure we are moving

away from these pains.
The Source of Motivation
The purpose and meaning attached to every task is ideally the source for
motivation. If you are working like Marlene in your office, have you asked
yourself recently this important question, ‘What is the purpose of my
work?’ The purpose and meaning of your job is not just achieving sales
figures, cutting costs, keeping employee turnover within reasonable limits,
etc. It is the ultimate reason why you are doing all these activities.

Motivation does not come from external factors. Yes, many times, we feel
the pressure put on us by our bosses to achieve our workplace goals.
However, these pressures and stresses deplete our creative energies and are
very, very difficult to sustain in the long run. Motivation, on the other hand,
is something that is internal and represents our true needs and wants.
Motivation helps us focus on the external world to achieve our internal
wants.

People with low levels or no motivation are those who are so caught up
with the external pressures and stresses that they have lost touch with their
internal fire. To reconnect with it, we simply need to rediscover our
purpose. When we feel the drive to achieve something, our ability to
connect with our emotions that help us achieve our goals increase which, in
turn, builds our emotional intelligence.

In the context of emotional intelligence, motivation consists of four

components including:

Personal drive – reflects the depth of your desire to achieve

and/or improve on certain standards in your life.
Commitment – to both professional and personal goals.
Initiative – reflects your readiness and preparedness to quickly
identify and act on opportunities that help you achieve your
goals.
Optimism – is your ability to bounce back from setbacks and
continue to pursue your goals, and not be deterred by failures.
There are typically two types of motivators; intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic
motivators drive us to do something because we want to or we find personal
satisfaction. Primarily, intrinsic motivators are those that compel us to do
what we love and enjoy.

Extrinsic motivators, on the other hand, are those that are done to attain
some kind of reward which could be in the form of money, good grades,
power, etc. Extrinsic motivators need not necessarily give us joy and
happiness.

Let us look at some examples to understand the difference between

extrinsic and intrinsic motivators. Julianna is a single mother working hard
as a waitress to support herself and her school-going daughter. She hates her
job which gives her no satisfaction or happiness. But, she is motivated by
the money that she gets by working as a waitress. This is a classic example
of extrinsic motivators.

Contrarily, John has a website designing business employing 4-5 people. He

loves web designing and is motivated by challenging design jobs. He has
money saved to lead a comfortable life, and so even if his business goes
bust, he can lead a decently good life with little or no deprivations. He is in
the business of web design because he loves it. John, therefore, is motivated
by intrinsic motivators.

Of course, in the above two examples, Julianna is at one end of the

motivation spectrum, and John is at the other end. Most of us in the real
world fall somewhere in between the two extreme ends. Most of us work
for the money it brings us but also, try to combine some intrinsic motivators
to keep motivation levels high. Most of us try to balance our work-life
scenario so that we get the money as well as get the time to do what we love
to do.

Typically, human beings tend to work better if we love what we are doing.
In fact, research studies prove that we are able to handle stress better if we
do something that we like and enjoy doing.
Obligation and Emotional Intelligence
At this point in time, it might make sense to talk about something called
obligation and its importance. We do some activities even if there are no
extrinsic and/or intrinsic motivators. For example, you go to a party despite
not wanting to or not having to. It could be because you feel obligated to
the person who invited you, and you might not like yourself if you didn’t
go.

The importance of obligation in emotional intelligence cannot be

underestimated. Commitment to obligations is a sign of maturity. Even if
you don’t like doing something, if you are committed to doing it, then it
speaks very highly of your ability to manage your emotions, and get the
work done well. To do something even in the absence of motivators calls
for higher levels of maturity than being by extrinsic or intrinsic motivators.
Self-Motivation
Self-motivation has many elements to it including:

Setting high but achievable goals

Willing to take necessary risks to achieve goals
Seeking feedback for improvement
Commitment to personal and professional goals
Actively seeking out and grabbing opportunities
Ability to bounce back from temporary setbacks

Let us look at how some of the above elements help in building emotional
intelligence:

Setting the right kind of goals – There is a powerful connection between

self-motivation, achievement, personal goals, and emotional intelligence.
When you set the right kind of goals, then you find the self-motivation to
achieve them, and with your achievement comes confidence and the power
to help others.

As you go through your success journey, you are bound to face setbacks
and failures which will be great lessons in humility and the acceptance that
things can go wrong anytime for anyone. Emotional intelligence is the
ability to learn the right lessons from the mistakes and bounce back in the
game. Therefore, setting the right goals (high goals but achievable by you)
is a key ingredient for motivation, and finally, emotional intelligence.

Willing to take necessary risks – The willingness to take risks reflects the
ease with which you are willing to step out of your comfort zone to grow
and do better in life. As you take these calculated and necessary risks to
move forward on your path to success, you build increased self-awareness
as you learn more about yourself with each risk-taking exercise.

Taking smart risks requires you to be attuned to your capabilities and your
limitations. Even if you take some risks without this knowledge, the
outcomes and experience of the risk-taking exercise will help you build
self-awareness. So, with self-awareness, you can be better at taking risks.
Either way, your emotional intelligence and self-motivation get a healthy
boost.

Seeking feedback for improvement – The better you get at something, the
more motivated you feel to try harder and achieve improved outcomes. One
of the most efficient ways for self-improvement is by asking for feedback to
enhance your productivity, efficiency, and the quality of your work.

Commitment to personal and professional goals – Commitment is one of

the pillars of success. Whether you are motivated by extrinsic or intrinsic
motivators, if you are committed to your personal and professional goals,
you will achieve success in both places. With success comes increased
motivation and confidence which, in turn, builds your self-awareness,
conflict management skills, and finally emotional intelligence.

Actively seeking out and grabbing opportunities that help to achieve your
goals – To do this, you must find the courage and personal empowerment.
Courage does not translate to ‘absence of fear.’ A courageous person feels
fear, and finds the resolve to overcome it, and take action when needed. In
fact, many courageous people use fear to keep them grounded and prevent
themselves from being carried away by overconfidence.

Courageous people are emotionally intelligent too because courage is

needed to stand up and speak, and also to stand down and listen. Courage is
that element that empowers you to take smart and calculated risks and take
all the opportunities that come your way to achieve your goals. Courage is
not doing something blindly but being aware of the risks, and after much
thought and deliberation going ahead by overcoming fears.
Tips to Motivate Others
An emotionally intelligent person is not only self-motivated but can also
motivate others to achieve their potential. Here are some tips to help you
motivate others:

Listen – Listening skills are one of the most important pillars of

emotionally intelligent people. They not only listen to their own feelings
and thoughts but can also listen to the feelings and thoughts of other people
through their enhanced and fine-tuned active listening skills. So, in order to
motivate, you must first listen to what they want, and then show them how
they can achieve their own needs.

Focus on open-ended questions – If you want to understand what the

dreams and desires are of your loved ones at home or your team members at
the office, then you must pose open-ended questions such as:

What do you want to do?

What do you dream of?
How long have you been dreaming of this, and why?
What excites and motivates you?

Encourage – This is the first active step from your end to start motivating
your people. Most often, people are scared to work towards their dreams
with the primary reason being the fear of failure. You must find
encouraging words to motivate such people who are scared to follow their
dreams. Tell them things like:

I believe that your skills in this particular area will help you
realize your dream.
I believe you will be great at it. So, why don’t you give it a shot,
and give it your best shot? If you fail, at least you know you
tried.

For example, if your daughter wants to start a pet store, and she is hesitant
to quit her job (which she hates but unwittingly has converted it into a
crutch which she doesn’t want to let go), tell her, ‘I was watching you with
our neighbor’s dog. He seems to like you a lot even though I have seen him
bark nastily at many other people. I believe you have a way with animals.
Go ahead, give your dreams wings. Think about that pet shop you’ve
always wanted to open. I’m sure you will be great at it. You are such a great
worker that if you have any self-doubts midway, you can always get back to
comfortable job.’

Teach them to dream – Let us take the ‘pet shop’ example again. You can
tell your daughter, ‘Imagine that cozy little place that people will love to
bring their pets to shop. Imagine it becoming one of the most popular
animal hangouts of the neighbors. When you have made sufficient money,
you could look at expanding your business to have a nursery for animals to
be left when their owners travel.’ Let her visualize her dream. The more
vivid her dream, the more motivated she will be to start implementing it.

Don’t forget to offer help – Motivating others includes offering help. Ask
people what you can do. Most of the time, if you have helped people find
their spark, they really might not need anything else from you. However,
offering to help is a way of re-instilling your faith in their capabilities.

Follow up – Very few people will listen to their heart’s clarion call at your
first attempt at motivation. If you truly believe in helping people reach their
potential, then you must follow up with them, and ensure they make
progress. This step is especially crucial when people encounter their first
serious setback. Typically, at such times, they are bound to be filled with
self-doubts and will need your encouragement.

Motivation is an element that is vital to keep your emotional intelligence

high. The more motivated you feel, the more vitality you will have to
support yourself and others through difficult times, knowing full well that
success and happiness lie on the other side of hard work, commitment, and
persistent efforts.
 Chapter 8:
Emotional Intelligence and Social Skills
The phrase ‘social skills’ is a very broad term that is used in the context of
emotional intelligence specifically to refer to skills needed to influence and
handle other people’s emotions and feelings effectively, be a great leader,
motivate others, and help others achieve their optimum potential.

Good social skills is an element that is often confused with being an

extrovert. Well, a shy or introvert could have high levels of social
awareness because this skill which is an important component of emotional
intelligence having to do with the following abilities:

To tune in and connect with the emotions of other people.

To understand how others perceive or think about various things.
To collaborate.
To be a team player.
To be good at negotiation skills.

Social skills in emotional intelligence cover many elements including:

Influencing and persuasion skills

Communication skills
Conflict management skills
Leadership skills
Building rapport
Team-working skills

All of the above skills can be learned and mastered during our lifetime.
Social skills include those that cover personal, professional, and social
relationships. Here are some tips to help build social skills to improve
emotional intelligence and nonviolent communication.
Influencing and Persuasion
There are different ways to influence and persuade people. Here are some
of them:

Nagging – Nagging is the ‘art’ of talking incessantly about your perspective

that others are literally bullied into submission. It might work sometimes
and in some places. At home, continuous bickering from either partner can
compel the other partner to agree to something simply to get some peace of
mind.

At the workplace, colleagues also could give in to the nagging of a peer

simply because they are pushed into a corner. However, the thing here is
that people have not really bought into the idea, and have been coerced into
it making nagging totally contradictory to nonviolent communication.

Coercion – In coercion, people tend to use their position of power to get

others to submit to their viewpoint. Here, too, colleagues and/or family
members will most probably not like what they are doing, but due to other
unavoidable pressures, they tend to surrender to coercion. Here, the people
submit to the coercer’s ideas because they ‘have’ to, and not because they
‘want’ to.

Therefore, the right way to persuade is to let others know what is good for
them, accept the idea wholeheartedly, and then gently convince them to take
your viewpoint. Let us look at this illustration to understand how you can
persuade people through nonviolent communication:

A team at an IT company was given a new project, and they had to choose a
team leader amongst themselves, After much deliberation and discussion, it
was decided that two people, Stan and Susan, are best suited for the job.
Only one had to be the leader.

Stan turned to Susan and said, ‘You take on the job,’ and Susan happily
consented. Everyone was happy with the decision except one person,
Donald who was quiet until then.
When Susan accepted the role of team leader, Donald said, “Susan, please
let us know our job descriptions and who is responsible for what task. You
will have a lot of additional work, and you must make sure your team is
perfectly organized so that we meet our milestones as per the needs of the
clients. Please do let us know if you think tasks have to reallocated if
deadlines are not being met.”

Susan thought for a while, and said, “You know, I think it might be a better
idea to let Stan take on the role as I might not really find the time and
energy to do everything that is required by the team leader.” Everyone
looked at Stan who agreed if the group also thought it would be a good
idea. At this point, everyone agreed that Stan would be a better choice.

After the meeting was over, Stan called over Donald and asked him the
reason for his intervention after the group had agreed on the decision of
making Susan the team leader. Donald replied, “I believe you will make a
better team leader than Susan.” So, very subtly, Donald used his persuasive
skills by letting Susan know what she will have to manage if she chose to
take on the role.

This subtle and nonviolent means of communication triggered the right

thought process in Susan’s mind, and she quickly realized that she might
not really fit the role. Therefore, Donald’s nonviolent means of persuasion
helped create a win-win solution for everyone concerned without any
residual bad blood in the team!
Communication Skills
Emotional intelligence and nonviolent communication hinge on the power
of your communication skills. How do you define a good communicator?
Here are a few indicators:

Good communicators listen to everyone’s concerns making

every effort to understand others’ needs.
Good communicators are willing to listen to problems too. They
are not overly focused only on the good things of life, and
understand that the good and bad co-exist. They understand that
problems will crop up, and they have to be countered.
Good communicators don’t put off unpleasant situations. They
deal with problems quickly and effectively without allowing
them to fester into irreparable wounds.
Good communicators can quickly catch the emotional cues of
other people, and respond appropriately keeping their own
emotions well under control.
Conflict Management Skills
Another chapter in this book deals with conflict management in detail.
However, briefly and in context to the topic of social skills, people with
good conflict management skills know and acknowledge the importance of
tact and diplomacy. People who are skilled in conflict management learn
and master the art of diplomacy to diffuse difficult situations.

They bring out conflicts into the open so that more solutions are available to
resolve them. They encourage airing and sharing of emotions in a dignified
and respectful manner ensuring no one’s feelings are hurt, and no one loses
face. Effective conflict managers are those who work in tandem with the
entire group to get optimal outcomes for everyone concerned.
Leadership Skills
Emotional intelligence and leadership skills are inextricably interlinked
with each other. Good leaders have to necessarily have high levels of
emotional intelligence. Only those who can cope with and manage their
own emotions can influence and persuade others to follow their lead. After
all, the key elements of a good leader are his or her ability to influence and
persuade.

If you have noticed, when great leaders make a speech, the entire crowd is
listening in rapt attention. Some people call this the ‘charisma’ of a leader;
rationally speaking, this is nothing but outstanding levels of emotional
intelligence. Indicators of a good leader include:

The ability to articulate a vision so well that others are enthused

by it.
The ability to lead a group even if not in a formal leadership
position.
The ability to drive and support colleagues and family members
to achieve their potential while teaching them to be accountable
for their actions.
The ability to lead by example.
Building Rapport
Building rapport is a critical element in maintaining strong relationships
with people. People who build good rapport have a wide and robust social
network. They have a long list of contacts and connections. The primary
basis for rapport building is to value the contributions and opinions of
others. Here are some tips based on nonviolent communication to show
people you value them and build strong, long-lasting bonds:

Show interest in people – Ask people about themselves; what they like,
what they dislike. You have to get to know people with whom you want to
build long-lasting relationships with. What work do they do? Do they like
their work? What are their passions? Build better bonds with people by
showing interest in them and making efforts to know them well.

Give constructive feedback – Yes, when you see people you value making
mistakes, it actually becomes your duty to warn them, and let them know
they are doing wrong so that they can quickly correct themselves, and set
things right. When people notice your concern about their welfare, they are
bound to like you more and enhance their relationship with you.

Invest in their happiness – Find out what makes people you value happy,
and invest your resources in creating situations that give them happiness. It
doesn’t have to be buying things for them. It could be something like
spending time with someone who is lonely, lending your shoulder for
someone to cry on, listening to their problems even if you cannot provide
solutions. Investing in people’s happiness will endear you to them, and help
you build a strong rapport with them.

Be ready to let go – Sometimes, you have to let people go to show them

that you genuinely value them, and care for their welfare. Here is a classic
example; if you have a great team member who has been given an
opportunity to move to a better position, you must be ready to let go of the
person because that is a sign of high emotional intelligence. Holding on to
people when they want to move is not the best way to show you care for
them.
Team-Working Skills
Cooperating and collaboration form the backbone of nonviolent
communication. An emotionally intelligent person values the importance of
team-working skills. People with high emotional intelligence know and
appreciate the fact that the people in a team are as important as the activity
undertaken by it.

Emotionally strong people do not hesitate to share their ideas, thoughts,

plans, and strategies with other team members so that the team as a whole
achieves optimal success. When a team is filled with good team players,
then the team more often than not achieves great success in all their
endeavors.

Emotionally intelligent people can display their team working skills either
from a position of a leader or as an ordinary team member.
How to Convert an Argument into a Productive Discussion
Converting an argument into a productive discussion is one of the best ways
to build relationship skills at home, at the workplace, or in your social
circle.

Let’s take this scenario: Your partner has returned after a hectic day at the
office. You are also tired at the end of the day trying to complete endless
chores at home, helping your kids do their homework, and lots, lots more
work. Your partner returns home, and finds his cozy corner on the sofa in
front of the TV, and does not get up from there until bedtime. Even dinner
happens there.

On that particular day, you are also completely enervated, and after dinner,
the sight of the sink filled with dirty dishes to wash fills you with anger.
You turn around and see your partner sitting in his comfy corner with no
intention to help you out, and your anger breaches its limits.

“For the love of God, can you do the dishes at least this one day?” you
scream at him. He screams back, “I am tired after a full day at work. You
have it all easy sitting at home the whole day with not a care in the world!
And you want me to do the dishes too?” And that’s it, a full-blown
argument sets in with nastiness thrown at each other and each other’s
families rattling the home leaving everyone depressed, angry, and hurt.

Emotionally intelligent people will not take this route at all. Here is what
you can do to build improved relationship skills at home and at your
workplace using nonviolent communication:

First, observe and deal with your emotions – When you know that you
are ready to get into a full-blown fight with your partner, step away from
the situation, take a moment to first deal with your emotion which is
invariably anger in such situations. When you take time out, you are also
giving time to the other person to deal with his or her emotions.
Find some alone time, and focus on your emotion by identifying and
labeling it. Indulge in something that you know helps you bring down the
intensity of the emotional energy. You can go for a walk, listen to your
favorite music, call someone you trust to talk about your frustrations or
anything else. Once the emotional energy has calmed down, then come
back to solve the problem.

In a long-standing, it is actually possible for both partners to know each

other’s stress-handling mechanisms (by the way, even in new relationships,
one of the first things you need to know about each other is how you handle
negative emotions; an aspect that is sadly given the least importance).

So, if your words are, ‘I am going for a walk. We’ll continue after a while,’
then your spouse might get the hint that you need time to cool off. He can
also use this time to reflect on what happened, and manage his emotions so
that when both of you are sitting down again, the argument mood has
evaporated. Instead, an atmosphere of open discussion has set in.

Now, another point of caution here. Sometimes, actually quite often, when
our emotions calm down after the relaxing break, we generally get into a
misconceived notion that everything’s fine. But, remember the root cause of
the emotion is still unresolved. If you ignore it now, it is bound to relapse
repeatedly, and each time with greater intensity than before. Know this, and
get back for the discussion with your spouse to eliminate the persistent
problem.

Now, discuss the problem – With the emotion taken care for the moment,
you can approach the problem rationally and objectively. What are your
needs and what are the needs of your spouse? Are these needs in conflict
with each other? To arrive at answers for such questions, you must choose
your battles sensibly.

For example, in the above case wherein the sink full of dirty dishes may
have been the trigger for your angry outburst, think again and ask yourself
what the underlying need is? Do you need more attention or love or quality
time from your husband? Use these thoughts to start the discussion with
your husband.

For example, doing dirty dishes might not be a sensible battle if you know
deep down that your underlying need is that it has been more than a month
since the two of you have spent quality time together. So, that should be the
point of discussion with your husband. Alternately, are you concerned that
your husband is becoming increasingly lazy? Therefore, think and choose
your battle before starting the discussion.

Just remember that your husband also has had time to reflect on his actions,
and it is quite likely that he could voice his concerns which might need you
to think again. The trick is in converting an argumentative phase into a
collaborative, productive, useful, and worthy discussion.

An argument indicates one versus the other whereas a discussion indicates

finding common ground. In an argument, participants take opposing stands
fighting each other down whereas, in a discussion, partners work side by
side, and solve problems to find compatible and optimal solutions that are
good for both. In a discussion, both sides are open to hearing the concerns
of the other which, in turn, helps in creating a pathway that is responsive to
the concerns raised by both sides.

Many times, the expression of the emotion is enough for the other person to
learn, and ensure not to repeat things that hurt the speaker. For example, ‘I
feel ignored if you don’t put down your mobile at the dinner table.’ An
emotionally intelligent partner will make sure he or she never brings the
device to the dining table. It’s an easy solution for a seemingly difficult
problem.

Have follow-up action – For example, if both of you have decided to spend
more quality time with each other, then, have an action to ensure this
happens. Are you planning a dinner or movie regularly? Just make sure the
plans are realistic. For instance, if you decide that you will go out every
week, it might not be possible if the working partner keeps really long
hours, and sometimes, even has to work on weekends. Instead, start off with
something as simple as spending Sunday afternoons with each other or at
least with family and friends where both of you will be present.

The same process will work in a professional environment too. Simply

replace your partner with your co-workers, team members, bosses, or other
important people at your workplace, and use the same process to increase
your social awareness and skills which, in turn, will raise your emotional
intelligence a few notches up.

Emotional intelligence and nonviolent communication skills are most

evident in a person’s social skills. But, social skills are neither the
beginning nor the end of emotional intelligence which is more cyclical in
nature. You start with self-awareness, build self-management skills, develop
empathy, grow motivation levels, all of which help in expanding your social
skills. With improved social skills resulting in a strong and wide circle of
robust relationships in your personal and professional life, your self-
awareness is bound to improve, setting the cycle moving again.
 Chapter 9:
Making Assumptions, Vulnerability, and
Emotional Intelligence
A newly-wed couple high-flying couple, Maria and John, have just moved
into their new home. After a wonderful honeymoon, both have got back to
their hectic, stressed jobs; Maria was a lawyer working for a prestigious
firm in the city, and John was a successful investment banker.

One day, John and Maria were both focused on their respective laptops
deeply engrossed in their own work. Dinner was done, and both had a
couple of hours of work to complete before they could call it a day.
Suddenly, John looked up from this computer, and said, ‘I have this
important presentation to complete, and I am a bit nervous because it is a
huge client for the bank. Can you tell me what you think of this closing?’
Maria responds, ‘Hmm-huh.’

John starts reading, and Maria continues to keep her eyes focused on her
laptop. After reading for a minute, John looks up, and in a curt voice asks
Maria, ‘Are you even listening to what I am reading?’ Maria looks up too,
and says, ‘Of course I am.’ An emotionally intelligent couple will typically
avoid this kind of a situation. Let us analyze it. If you look closely, both
John and Maria made a lot of assumptions including:

John assumed Maria would immediately turn her focus on to him

when he first raised his head to talk to her.
Maria assumed that her ‘Hmm-huh’ was enough to let him know
that she was ready.
John assumed that just because Maria was not looking at him,
she was not listening.
Maria assumed that John knew she could multitask and could do
her own work while being able to focus on what John was
saying.
Both of them assumed that their body language cues were not
important in the communication process.
Assumptions, Emotional Intelligence, and Nonviolent
Communication
Making assumptions is the antithesis to nonviolent communication and
emotional intelligence. Yet, why do most of us fall into the trap of making
assumptions? Here are some easy-to-understand reasons:

Making assumptions is easy.

A little bit of incomplete information is all that is needed to start
off making assumptions.
It is far more difficult to ask questions and get the complete
information, and so we avoid getting into this activity.
When information is incomplete, we fill up the blanks with our
own assumptions and our own interpretations of the data that we
have in our hands.

We simply combine the incomplete data with our own past experiences and
end up creating something that could be quite contrary to the actual
situation. We put and connect dots in places where actually there are no
dots. And, we justify ourselves for this action because we don’t have the
full information, and remember we didn’t want to make an effort to ask
questions and seek out all relevant data. Therefore, we make up connections
that don’t exist and leave out connections that exist. Evidently, the
conclusions are all going to be skewed.

Recall your first driving lessons. Here is a typical scenario of such as a

situation. You are driving on the road, and you need to turn left. You see the
rearview mirror and notice a car at the back. You quickly assume the driver
of that car is going to turn left because you are turning left. But, the driver
does something different. If you had given a second’s thought to the
situation, you would have seen that the other had his right indicator on!

And thus, assumptions are formed! And, if rational matters can create
horrible accidents resulting in physical pain, assumptions of the emotional
kind can create extreme mental agony and pain. Why? Because emotions
come with multiple sensory buttons that will trigger and refresh the pain of
past experiences too. Emotional pain will touch every nerve that carries
memories of pain, and you will feel you are reliving all the old experiences
afresh.

Assumptions have the power to lash out at people wittingly or not, and you
will also feel the toxicity. Unfair assumptions will hurt the mind first which
will then find its way to physical symptoms and chronic issues and will
result in long-term health disorders. Assumptions are obstacles to
displaying compassion which is the core strength and power of nonviolent
communication.

Here are some excellent reasons as to why making assumptions can be

counterproductive to nonviolent communication:

They are an easy and lazy way out – Anything that comes easy is rarely
substantial, and more often than not, has no real value. It might serve as a
reprieve. But, the outcomes of easy routes will come back to haunt you with
accumulated energy.

The lack of motivation to ask the right questions to learn the right things is
primarily driven by laziness; an attitude that can only harm you. The more
you use assumptions to do things, the more of a habit it will become, and
you will find it increasingly difficult to learn and grow out from that
stagnation.

Assumptions prevent you from taking responsibility for your actions –

Nonviolent communication can be useful for individuals and the world at
large only when each of us takes responsibility for our actions, behaviors,
and thoughts. Assumptions allow you to hide behind your side of the story,
and when that flimsy curtain falls, you are bound to face the consequences
of wrong conclusions. Assumptions make you believe that others are to
blame for your problems; an approach that will never help you set your life
straight.

Assumptions keep you in the past – Typically, your assumptions are based
on reading incomplete data along with your past experiences. Therefore,
making assumptions always keep your outlook stuck in the past instead of
looking forward and broadening your horizons.

Moreover, your old negative mindset will cement itself into your psyche,
and you will never learn to look at things from a new perspective, one of
the most important elements for emotional intelligence. If you cannot see
others’ views, you will never build your emotional intelligence.

Assumptions are toxic habits – We make assumptions to prevent feeling

hurt. And to hide this hurt, we invariably lash out at others using violence
and hate to cover our insecurities and fears. Therefore, assumptions lead to
endless toxicity in your life.

Assumptions result in wrong judgments and choices – Making decisions

based on assumptions is a sure way to do the wrong things in life.
Assumptions are not facts, and therefore, decisions made from assumptions
will not stand strong.

Even personal decisions based on assumptions might come in the way of

achieving your dreams and goals. For example, if you love traveling, and
but assume that travel comes with dangers, then you are never going to
achieve your dream of traveling the world. Instead of assuming that travel is
dangerous, you must sit down and find out solid facts on what problems
travelers encounter and how they overcome it. Then, work your travel plans
around these facts, and you will see that your assumption was holding you
down needlessly.

Assumptions drive you to pick at your old pains repeatedly. The more you
pick at the old wounds, the more they will fester, and the more pain you
will feel. It is best to let the old wounds heal, and make an effort to see
things accurately and correctly possibly by asking questions and increasing
your knowledge. Grow beyond your assumptions.
Vulnerability, Emotional Intelligence, and Nonviolent
Communication
Being vulnerable is being exposed to the risks of danger. For example, if
you have not insured your home against risks such as floods and burglaries,
then your home is ‘vulnerable’ to those risks. However, in the world of
emotional intelligence, vulnerability is something quite different.

Brene Brown, the research professor who has studied the ideas of courage,
shame, vulnerability, and empathy for over two decades, says that
vulnerability is neither good nor bad. It is not positive or negative. She says
that to be vulnerable is to feel. If you deny vulnerability, then you deny
feeling. ‘To close the world of feelings driven by a fear that the costs far
outweigh the benefits is to walk away from the very purpose and meaning
of our life. Human life is meant to feel,’ Brene Brown says in her book,
‘Daring Greatly.’

Vulnerability is empowering and liberating in the path of nonviolent

communication. This may sound strange to many of us considering how the
attitude of vulnerability is quite often taken to be associated with weakness
which can be easily exploited by other people around us.

However, in truth, showing your vulnerability has multiple benefits, and

most importantly, it allows you to be truly and wholly authentic. Being
prepared to display your vulnerability gives you the power to show who
you truly are without having to put on facades. You are free from having to
put on a show in front of people pretending to be someone else instead of
who you really are.

Brene Brown says, ‘The display of vulnerability is the most accurate

measure of courage.’ She says that we must move vulnerability from the
point of weakness to a source of strength. Why is it good for your emotional
intelligence to display vulnerability? Here are a few reasons:

Vulnerability improves your self-awareness – Accepting your

vulnerabilities openly helps you embrace your weaknesses and quirks
wholeheartedly. When you accept what is commonly seen as ‘awkward’
characteristics, the awkwardness disappears, and in its place, you find
something that defines your uniqueness. The more you engage with
yourself in this manner, the more your self-awareness grows. And the more
your self-awareness grows, the more emotionally intelligent you become.

Vulnerability builds intimacy – One of the biggest benefits of being

vulnerable is that it allows you to build great intimacy with your partner.
Psychological experts have come to believe that in romantic relationships,
both partners have a mutual need for nurturing. They take turns to be the
caretaker and caregiver in various situations. And this can happen only
when both express their needs by showing their vulnerability to each other.
Falling in love with the intention of building a long-lasting romantic
relationship is the ultimate test for vulnerability.

Vulnerability improves your self-worth – Admitting your vulnerability

and sense of shame to yourself and to other people helps in increasing your
self-worth because you accept yourself for what you are including warts
and all. Your self-acceptance frees you from the need to compare yourself
with others empowering you to show your uniqueness without feeling
shame. All of this leads to improved self-worth.

Vulnerability facilitates innovation and motivation – Each time you raise

your voice to give an idea at the workplace, you are effectively displaying
your vulnerability because you are exposing your idea to both ridicule and
praise. Notwithstanding the outcome of your ideas, you are creating an
environment of engaging innovation and motivation for others to bring out
their ideas as well.

Any company that allows its employees to express their concerns and
problems transparently is helping in creating an environment conducive for
personal and professional growth. Display of vulnerability among team
members increases bonhomie and sense of oneness as everyone relates to
each other’s problems.
Vulnerability promotes compassion – When you see vulnerability, most
human beings feel a deep sense of compassion for the person. When you
see someone else’s display of negative emotions that potentially end in
shame, you are bound to feel a sense of understanding and will reach out to
comfort and empathize with them. Similarly, when others see your
vulnerability, they are moved to compassion towards you. Therefore, the
display of vulnerability promotes compassion in human beings; a critical
component of nonviolent communication.

Vulnerability helps you come to terms with past troubled memories –

Opening up about your weaknesses and problems will help you deal with
unresolved trauma from your past. Confronting and accepting what
happened in the past is the best way of overcoming the pains associated
with it. You will find it easy to accept your bad decisions, wrong choices,
etc. and accept your mistakes without being judgmental and harsh on
yourself. Vulnerability promotes self-compassion too; an essential element
to be compassionate to and empathize with others.

Vulnerability empowers you to take responsibility for your actions and

behaviors – When you admit your mistakes openly in public, you are telling
people that you are ready to take responsibility for your behaviors and want
to take corrective action.

You are telling people that you accept the fact that the source of your
problems is only you, and no one else is to be blamed for what is happening
in your life. This approach helps you get rid of the fear of expressing
yourself honestly and openly which, in turn, helps you take control of your
life in your hands.

Vulnerability helps to keep loneliness at bay – By pretending to be

invulnerable, you are putting up a phony façade which increases in intensity
with each passing day. Sooner or later, people will realize and detect your
inauthenticity even as they pretend to sympathize with you and your fake
behavior. This hollow relationship will lead to increased levels of
discomfort between you and others taking us further away from people and
driving loneliness. You will be keeping this kind of loneliness at bay when
you accept and display your vulnerability to all.

Vulnerability brings the right kind of people into your life – When you
are open about your true self, only the ones who can relate with the kind of
person you are will make an effort to create lifelong relationships with you.
This way, you can rest assured that the right kind of people will become
your lifelong, trustworthy friends.

Making assumptions and being vulnerable are closely connected to

emotional intelligence. The fewer assumptions you make and the more
vulnerable you choose to be, the more emotionally intelligent you will
become; all thanks to the fact that these two elements contribute
significantly to building compassion, becoming more self-aware, increasing
motivation, and more such concepts connected with nonviolent
communication.
 Chapter 10:
Emotional Intelligence in Conflict Resolution
Conflicts are one of the most common aspects of human life. You will find
them in your home, workplace, among friends, in society, in politics, and
everywhere else where human beings exist. Conflicts occur because people
tend to disagree with each other.

A critical outcome of any unresolved conflict is that it can lead to bullying.

Identifying and resolving conflicts everywhere are essential components to
prevent the situation from becoming uncontrolled by bullying and trolling
among the disagreeing parties.

Timely conflict management and resolution lead to multiple benefits

including goal accomplishment, strengthening relationships, improving
leadership skills, and more. If left unresolved or if conflicts are
mismanaged, they can quickly turn into dislike and even hatred.

Unresolved conflicts are the primary reason for relationships to break down.
Most of the time, unresolved conflicts end up in bullying by the people who
seem to hold higher power over the less fortunate people resulting in
discontentment which, in turn, can lead to a lot of unpleasantness.

Multiple studies have proven that unresolved social conflicts are one of the
primary causes of the outbreak and spread of terrorism; an element that is
rocking our world today. Therefore, managing and resolving conflicts are
not just important for personal and professional success but also have to be
taken up on priority for the good of all humankind.
How Emotional Intelligence Helps in Conflict Management
Here are some ways how emotionally intelligent people are able to manage
conflicts better than those who have low levels of EQ:

Increased self-awareness - Emotionally intelligent people do not indulge

in unproductive conflicts because of their high levels of self-awareness.
Being self-aware means you know your emotions and thoughts very well
which means you can recognize your moods.

And, if you are not feeling particularly good about things in life, you will
avoid situations with potential for conflicts. Instead, you will deliberately
indulge in productive activities that take you towards improving your
moods.

Emotionally intelligent people not only have increased self-awareness but

also have good control over their feelings, and will not let their emotions
ride them. Therefore, even if they are caught in the middle of an unpleasant
situation while they are in a bad mood, then too, emotionally intelligent will
handle it with care, and ensure conflicts are either avoided or amicably
resolved.

Increased access to innovative solutions – Conflicts and disputes are

actually good for a brainstorming session. In such situations, emotionally
intelligent people will embrace conflicts and disagreements within their
teams for effective brainstorming of ideas. They only ensure that the
disagreements are kept at dignified levels by ensuring that no one in the
team feels excessively abused or overwhelmed by others. Therefore,
emotionally intelligent people don’t always avoid conflict; they just manage
them productively.

Increased ability to manage behavior – Sometimes, with the best of

intentions, even emotionally intelligent fall prey to nasty conflicts. The
difference between people with high EQ and those with low EQ is that
emotionally intelligent people know how to manage their emotions and
their behaviors rooted in those emotions.
Even in the most unpleasant circumstances including those that result in
failures, people with high EQs behave with dignity and respect. They accept
defeat with humility and victories and great moments don’t define their
emotional intelligence; their ability to identify, manage, and control
emotion defines their EQ.

Thus, emotional intelligence plays a crucial role in conflict resolution. And

yet, conflicts are something most of us would like to avoid considering the
huge levels of discomfort and unpleasantness that they bring in their wake.
Here are some excellent NVC-based techniques to help you resolve and
manage conflicts:
Use Words Effectively to State Your Feelings
Here is a typical scenario between spouses. The husband returns home after
a hectic day and is dying to share his problems with his wife. When he
reaches home, he notices that his wife is watching her favorite series on TV.
Without even a preamble, he starts ranting about how bad the day was, and
his wife seems to be nodding at his comments.

Soon, the husband loses his cool, and screams at his wife, “Here I am
coming home after working so hard at the office, and you don’t even want
to listen to me!” The wife turns to him taking her attention off from the TV,
and appears quite shocked at his reaction and says, “Of course, I am
listening to you. I have heard every word you said. You don’t have to be so
angry at me. I also was busy the entire day looking after the home, and have
got time only now to relax!”

Can you notice the beginning of a conflict? As you read, you can clearly
discern the choice of words used in this situation that is creating the
conflict. The husband makes it sound like as if he is blaming his wife for
his office problems, and the wife seems to say that she is not interested in
listening because she has issues of her own. Now, let us take the 4-step
NVC process in this situation see how emotionally intelligent people will
act. In this example, let us suppose the wife has high levels of emotional
intelligence.

Step 1: Observation –The husband is walking into the house and the wife
who was watching her favorite series switches off the TV. She smiles at her
husband, and she notices that he gives her a perfunctory nod. He looks tired
and haggard too. She helps him off with his coat and makes him a nice hot
cup of tea or coffee. Her observation skills are good enough to be able to
discern that her husband has a need that requires attention.

Step 2: Feelings – As the husband sips his coffee, she sits next to him, and
asks him, “How are you feeling?” Notice that she does not ask him, “How
did the day go?” because her focus is on his feelings and not the situation.
Step 3: Needs – Of course, her husband responds, “I’m feeling horrible.”
Now, she turns to him, holds his hand, and asks him, “Why are you feeling
horrible? Did something or someone upset you in your office?”

Steps 4: Requests – “Would you like to talk about it?”

The same situation as earlier, just a few tweaks in reactions and responses,
and the conflict was avoided even before it started. The choice of words
used by the emotionally intelligent wife had no blame. It was only an
assurance to her husband that she is there to give him comfort.
Understand Before Trying to Be Understood
One of the most significant reasons for conflicts is the desire to be
understood before trying to understand. If you constantly want to be right,
then it means you are not ready to listen to the other person’s point of view.
Therefore, first try to understand the other person, and then you can put
your viewpoint.

For this, you must build excellent listening skills. Let us look at some ways
to build listening skills which will help build nonviolent communication
skills:

Explain your understanding by summarizing and paraphrasing –

Summarizing and paraphrasing are excellent tools to diffuse conflicts while
increasing the understanding of an idea by everyone on the group. So, for
example, if your husband keeps ranting about the bad day in the office for
over five minutes, you can summarize his feelings like this, “So, you are
frustrated about what happened in the office today because your boss didn’t
listen to you at all. You would like it if your boss considered your opinion,
and gave you reasons why it is not a sound idea for the moment, right?”

Maintain eye contact during the conversation – It is important that the

speaker knows that you are really listening to what he or she is saying.
Maintaining good eye contact throughout the conversation is one of the best
ways to tell the speaker know you are all ears. Of course, don’t stare at the
speaker; just maintain healthy eye contact.

Ask open questions – Another excellent way to let the other person know
that you are trying to understand his or her ideas is by asking open
questions. Instead of simply responding with monosyllables like ‘Hmm,’ or
‘yes’ or ‘no,’ you should ask questions like, “Why are you feeling bad
about what happened?” Open questions foster longer and more engaged
conversations than otherwise.

Use appropriate body language – Use body language techniques such as

mirroring to show that you are listening and want to understand the other
person’s perspective. Another chapter in this book discusses the importance
of and various methods of body language communication in detail where
you can read more about mirroring techniques.

It is imperative that you listen not just to put on a façade for the sake of the
speakers but to truly understand their perspectives with which you can
diffuse and resolve conflicts.
Understand and Appreciate Differences in Perspectives
Simply because you see things in a certain perspective does not mean other
viewpoints don’t have value. Everyone comes from different cultures,
backgrounds, growing environments, etc.; all of which impact perspectives.
People can see the same thing in different ways, and most of the ways have
seemingly ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ perspectives.

Conflict resolution calls for finding common ground, and not arguments
about who is right and who is wrong. Here are some classic examples of
how accepting different perspectives help in our learning process:

Half-full or half-empty glass – Perhaps, one of the most common

examples of different viewpoints. An optimist sees the glass as being half-
full and shows gratitude for the good things of life. A pessimist sees the
glass half-empty and complains about the missing things in life. It is
important to lead an increasingly ‘half-full’ life so that we find the power to
see the good in all which will help us arrive at common ground; an essential
component of conflict resolution.

Things are not always what they appear – A beggar on the street is
happier with a man who gave him $20 and sends more blessings to him
than to a man who gives him only $10. What the beggar couldn’t see was
that the second man had only $10 which he gave away to someone he
believed needed more than him whereas the first man had $2000 with him
from which he was able to easily part with $20. Therefore, things are not
necessarily as they seem. A bit more delving needs to be done to get
increasingly correct viewpoints.

One man’s waste is another man’s treasure – Remember those

dandelions in our gardens? As children, we were delighted to see them
because, in our innocent minds, these dandelions represented opportunities
to make wishes. It didn’t matter to us whether these wishes were realistic or
not. The joy of making that wish was incomparable.
The same dandelions are seen as weeds by gardeners and landscapers. They
would not be delighted but annoyed at seeing these ‘weeds’ which are
spoiling the beauty of the garden or landscape.

Multiple solutions exist for the same problem – Most often, life problems
including conflict resolution have more than one solution. Choosing a path
that works for all is the right way to resolve and diffuse conflicts.

See the big picture - The world is big and full of people experiencing
different things. Many times, we are so caught up with our own experiences
that we forget other people are going through their own good and bad
experiences. Billions of new experiences are being created each minute in
this world, and each experience is different from the other. Each of us is
only a speck in the huge, mighty world. This bigger picture helps us put
ourselves in perspective and keeps us grounded too.

Learning from each of these perspectives helps us find multiple solutions to

resolve and diffuse conflicts in ways that make everyone happy.
Focus on Impact and Not on Intent
How many times have people told you that what you said hurt them? You
might never have intended to hurt, but the impact of your communication
ended up creating hurt and pain. People who interact with you don’t see
your intent as much as they see the impact of what you are saying or doing.

Here is an example of how intent is not as important as impact in your

communication. Suppose you are standing in a park reading messages on
your mobile, and a frisbee hits you on your nose. Holding your bloody
nose, you are spewing expletives on the thrower of the frisbee, a young girl.

She comes to you and says, “I am sorry it was not my intent to break your
nose with my frisbee. I only wanted to throw it to my friend who is standing
there.” Aren’t you ready to take that frisbee and throw it on your face, and
say the same thing? You don’t really care about her intent. But, the impact
was tremendous, and you are not going to forgive her soon.

If you said something to your wife that hurts her, it does not matter what
your intent was. She is hurting, that’s it. Therefore conflict resolution has a
lot to do with the impact of your communication and less to do with your
intent. So, focus on the impact rather than the intent.
Maintain Dignity of Everyone Involved
Dignity and credibility play an important role in conflict management.
Human beings are hardwired to treat shame the way as a physical wound.
When our value or worth is threatened, we get into fight/flight mode just
like the way we behave with physical dangers. Dignity is such an important
need for human beings that the slightest threat to it can result in strong, and
even violent, responses.

We love being connected with other human beings. But, our need for
dignity is equally important. Which is why playing the dignity card
sensitively is very important for effective conflict resolution. One place that
you can find dignity trampled upon ruthlessly is during a bitter, nasty
divorce. The agony of a broken relationship can drive anyone to inflict pain
on the other partner.

Dignity and respect are fragile aspects of humankind, and it is one of the
easiest elements to break down and create conflicts. The ten elements of
dignity as explained by Donna Hicks in her book, Leading with Dignity,
include the following acceptance of identity, recognition, acknowledgment,
inclusion, safety, fairness, independence, understanding, giving people the
benefit of the doubt, and accountability. Let us look at each one of these
elements, and how they help in resolving and reducing conflicts.

Acceptance of identity – Treating everyone as being an equal is the first

step to creating a sense of identity for them. It is important to approach
everybody you meet with neither a superior or inferior complex. Each of us
has the right to express our personality without fears of being ridiculed or
judged negatively.

The first step to giving dignity is to treat everyone without prejudices based
on gender, religion, race, culture, age, disability or sexual orientation. In
such situations, conflicts can be easily resolved.

Recognition – All of us want to receive recognition for our work and our
talents. Therefore, giving recognition to others for their ideas, help,
thoughtfulness, contributions, and hard work helps in creating a sense of
dignity for everyone which, in turn, reduces conflicts among people.

Acknowledgment – People want to feel acknowledged. Listening,

validating, and responding to people’s problems and concerns make them
feel acknowledged. This approach makes people believe in your ability to
resolve conflicts favorably and without prejudice.

Inclusion – Being left out of any community or group results in a feeling of

isolation which can affect one’s dignity negatively. Therefore, as a conflict
resolver, including all stakeholders and making them feel like they belonged
will help in clearing up misunderstandings and apprehensions.

Safety – The feeling of safety is associated at two levels; physical and

psychological. For a person to feel dignified, he or she must feel safe at
both these levels. When you treat people in a way that makes them feel
secure, then they will speak up freely and fearlessly instead of hiding their
needs behind their fears which can help in resolving conflicts.

Fairness – All people within a framework should be treated equally and in

an even-handed manner as per the rules and regulations within that
particular framework. This approach ensures everyone feels comforted that
their concerns are as important as other people’s concerns and will be
solved with equal intensity.

Independence – People must feel that they are in control of their lives to do
what they wish to do. This sense of independence renders hope which, in
turn, motivates people to come together and resolve disputes and conflicts.

Understanding – Understanding other perspectives is a crucial element for

conflict resolution. When you make efforts to understand someone else’s
point of view, the person feels a sense of dignity that makes him or her feel
empowered to participate in the conflict resolution process.

The benefit of the doubt – Don’t treat people as if they are not trustworthy.
Always give them the benefit of the doubt, and begin any conflict
negotiation process with the faith that everyone concerned has integrity and
good motives.

Accountability – It is important to take accountability for all your actions.

If for some reason, you have violated the dignity of another person, then
you must accept your mistake and apologize for the same. Conflict
resolution can happen only when people commit to changing themselves
from hurtful behaviors.

At the end of this particular point, it is important to make a note of the fact
that you must also maintain your decency and dignity to gain respectability
in the community. If you don’t get the dignity you deserve, it is unlikely
you will find the strength to give dignity and bring warring teams together
to the conflict resolution table.

Conflicts are not going to go away. There will always be disagreements in

all aspects of our lives. With increased emotional intelligence, we can build
the necessary skills to diffuse and resolve conflicts to positively impact our
lives and those of everyone with whom we interact; at the workplace, at
home, and in social circles.
 Chapter 11:
The Role of Emotional Intelligence for a Healthy
Professional Life
How does emotional intelligence (EQ) affect workplace performance and
bottom lines of businesses and companies? To reiterate, emotionally
intelligent people are able to:

Identify, recognize, and discern their own emotions and

behaviors.
Identify, recognize, and discern other people’s moods and
behaviors.
Manage and control their emotions and behaviors to demonstrate
appropriate and compassionate responses as per the situation,
more so in difficult and stressful situations.
Demonstrate both genuine, honest feelings as well as socially
accepted behavior like politeness, courtesy, respect, and
consideration for everyone concerned.
Resolve conflicts amicably.
Demonstrate empathy toward others.

Emotionally intelligent people also understand and appreciate the

importance of avoiding procrastination, self-doubt, low self-esteem, etc.
Professionals with high levels of emotional intelligence know the value of
work-life balance.
EQ, Personality, and Intelligent Quotient
EQ and Personality - To understand how and why EQ is important for a
healthy workplace environment, let us start with the difference between EQ
and personality. Psychologically speaking, the personality is defined as the
behavioral, emotional, and thought patterns of an individual. The
personality of an individual affects his or her personal preferences and
tendencies such as the person prefer being an introvert or an extrovert.

Knowing your personality can help you distinguish your unique and special
characteristic features. For example, if you take a personality test, you
might know how open you are, what level of agreeableness you have,
whether you are an extrovert or introvert, etc. However, these tests will
never throw up how deeply ambitious you are which is independent of the
personality traits. An introverted person can be as much as or, perhaps even
more, ambitious than an extrovert.

A person who comes across as melancholic most of the times could be

nursing and working towards achieving deep desires and ambitions backed
by his or her inner strength and capabilities while a bubbly, confident, and
happy person could be hiding his or her vulnerabilities for fear of ridicule or
being ‘left out’ of the milieu.

Another example to illustrate the importance of EQ over personality; an

extrovert could be highly suitable for a sales job. However, his or her level
of persistence, drive, the ability to bounce back from failures, and hard
work that are extremely critical elements for a sales job cannot be gauged
through studying the personality of the individual.

On the other hand, a person with a high level of emotional intelligence can
control and manage his impulses, adapt to changes efficiently, communicate
compassionately and effectively with other people, etc. An emotionally
intelligent person can do and be everything else needed for success in his
profession, irrespective of his or personality type.
Let us look at this scenario: A second-hand car showroom has two men,
Nathan and Stewart, working in the sales department. Nathan is an extrovert
and is able to convince his customers to buy cars quickly. His first-visit
conversion rate is nearly 90%; thanks to his convincing and outgoing
attitude that endears many of his customers to him the first time they meet
them, and with his amazing sales pitch, he is able to convince that the car he
has chosen for them is the best buy.

However, there is a lot of other work that goes on after the customer decides
to buy the car. Documents from the customer have to be collected, the
vehicle will have to be registered to the new owner’s name. Loan
documents, if any, need to be completed. Nathan may be an extrovert. But,
he lacked persistence, commitment, and other important traits needed to
finish the work that follows a successful sale.

The profits for the showroom come only when the customer makes the final
payment, and the circle of the sale is completed in all respects. So, even
though Nathan was able to convince customers to buy the car on the first
visit, his follow-up work needed a lot more improvement because of which
his actual conversion rate rarely crossed 40%.

Contrarily, Stewart is more of an introvert. He took his time to analyze his

customers, what their needs and requirements are, and what their likes and
dislikes are before proposing a suitable vehicle for them. Then, they would
patiently and slowly take them through the advantages and disadvantages.
Stewart would never try to sell a vehicle he knows will not be managed by
the buyer.

For example, if he can gauge that the customer is looking for a good, sturdy
car for his daily needs with minimal maintenance issues, then he would not
even consider showing him a high-end luxury car. He would show them all
the models that are aligned with the customer’s needs. Stewart’s biggest
advantage is to follow up with his customers to make sure the transaction is
complete in all respects; documents, insurance, registration, etc.
Stewart was an emotionally intelligent individual even though his lack of
salesman flashiness could fool the average manager. Luckily for him, the
owner of the showroom, Mr. Smith, was able to gauge and understand the
quiet strength of Stewart. Of course, he liked Nathan’s gregariousness. But,
he was well aware of Nathan’s lack of depth in terms of emotional
intelligence.

With his own high levels of EQ, Mr. Smith was able to complement the
personalities, strengths, and weaknesses of his two salesmen, and ensure his
company’s bottom lines were also good which, in turn, helped him to take
care of his employees well.

EQ and intelligent quotient – Intelligent quotient (IQ) represents the

following abilities of an individual:

Knowledge of the world

Quantitative analysis
Reasoning capabilities
Spatial and visual processing capabilities
Short-term and long-term memories

Until recently, the IQ of a person was considered to be the primary

determinant of a person’s success. Students who had a high IQ score were
believed to be destined for success while those with low IQ scores were
destined for failures. However, researchers did come up with plenty of
success stories in which real-life protagonists had low IQs. Here are some
examples of people with IQs who went on to change the history of mankind
through their thoughts and discoveries:

Abraham Lincoln – Yes, this man of vision is known to have had a low
IQ, and yet, that didn’t deter him from changing the course of American
history forever.

Andy Warhol – This legendary pop art icon is believed to have had an IQ
score of 86!
John F. Kennedy – His IQ was supposed to be as low as 60! The amount
of work he did and the success he achieved hardly reflected this low score.

Dr. James Watson and Dr. Francis Crick – They are famous as the
Watson-Crick duo, the brainy scientists and Nobel Prize winners who first
postulated the structure of the human DNA. Yes, both of them had low IQ
scores!

E.O. Wilson – Another scientist, naturist, biologist, and a Pulitzer Prize

winner, E.O. Wilson is a leading world expert on the study of ants,
myrmecology. His success is not backed by a high IQ at all; but sheer hard
work, determination, and a never-say-die attitude.

These are just a handful of examples. Many times, you don’t need to look at
people who have achieved world success to realize the truth that high IQ
scores do not guarantee, and low IQ scores need not worry you at all.
Today, multiple research studies and surveys conducted all across the world
have proven that emotional intelligence, empathy, and compassion are far
more important elements for success than IQ.
The Five EQ Components at the Workplace
Here are the five components of emotional intelligence and how each of
them contributes to creating a positive environment in the workplace
driving both business and camaraderie.
Social Skills
An emotionally intelligent individual displays multiple social competencies
including empathy, diplomacy, political acumen, and intuition all of which
are very useful in the workplace to improve efficiency and productivity.

Intuition and empathy help you in the following ways:

For improved understanding of other people’s feelings and perception-

A well-developed intuition helps you to sense and understand your
colleagues and team members’ perspectives and feelings. You can use these
powers to demonstrate genuine concern and active interests in their work.
This approach helps you build strong relationships with everyone in the
office thereby creating an environment of bonhomie and camaraderie; a
critical element for increased productivity and efficiency.

Increased customer service orientation – Your ability to preempt,

identify, and meet customer needs will get a big boost when your intuition
and empathy skills are sharpened. Meeting and exceeding customer
requirements is the cornerstone of the success of any business or profession.

Improved people management skills – Your intuitive and empathetic

skills will develop your people management skills as you will find it
increasingly easy to connect two similar-thinking people and put them
together to create a team that resonates with success.

Also, like Mr. Smith, the owner of the second-hand car showroom in the
example cited above, you will find ways and methods to mix together two
seemingly different personalities but those whose strengths and weaknesses
complement resulting again in great teams. This approach helps you
leverage the power of diversity for optimum outcomes.

Moreover, your ability to read your team’s needs and desires will help you
help them achieve their full potential so that they can grow and develop.
Diplomacy and political acumen will help you achieve success at the
workplace in the following ways:

Influence over others – Your persuasive tactics based on compassion for

all stakeholders will help you influence others in the organization and
business partners and help you achieve your desired results. Your ability to
build long-term connections will help you nurture relationships; a key skill
for sustained professional success.

Clear communication style –Diplomacy and political acumen bring with

them the power of a clear and unambiguous communication style that will
send convincing messages understood by everyone concerned. Clear
communication styles backed by diplomacy, political acumen, and empathy
will increase your capabilities to resolve conflicts.

Leadership skills – You will be able to lead and guide people to achieve
your business goals even as they realize their personal dreams of success.
With your ability to lead, you can make a tremendous impact in bringing
about sustained positive changes within your organization.

Improved cooperation and collaboration capabilities – You will bring

together and synergize people with different skills and competencies so that
everyone is working towards shared goals. This synergy among the team
members will increase team capabilities far more significantly than if
individuals were working on their own.
Self-Awareness
Being aware of your strengths, weaknesses, and limitations will help you in
the following ways at your workplace:

Helps you manage your emotional responses - Increased emotional

awareness will help you manage your responses and reactions to ensure
others are impacted optimally in a positive way and negative impacts from
your emotions are kept to a minimum. This situation will ensure that your
colleagues and coworkers find you approachable and will come to you to
give and take help.

Helps you get an accurate assessment of your skill set - An accurate

assessment of your skills and weaknesses will help you understand which
areas you can work on your own, and which areas you need help from other
people.

Improved self-confidence – Deep levels of self-awareness help you

improve your self-confidence. The more you know about yourself, the more
you will respect and love yourself for what you truly are.

Thus, when you are acutely self-aware, your chances for success at your
workplace increase multifold.
Self-Regulation
Having control over your impulses and manifestations of your internal
emotions help you in the following ways at your workplace:

Increased self-control – You will find that you are able to manage
disruptive situations efficiently by keeping a check on how you respond to
your own emotions triggered by the external problems. You will have better
self-control over your behaviors and reactions.

Increased trustworthiness – When you handle yourself with dignity and

respect through self-regulation and by maintaining standards of integrity
and honesty, you will win the trust of your colleagues and team members.

Conscientiousness – You will be accountable and take responsibility for

your own personal performance, and lead your team by example.

Adaptability – is the crucial element needed for business success in this

rapidly changing world.

Self-regulation, therefore, makes you a strong and trustworthy professional

at your workplace.
Motivation
Motivation both in the form of self-motivating as well as driving others to
do their best is an essential element for the success of all kinds of
businesses. High levels of motivation help you in your professional life in
the following ways:

A drive to achieve better standards – You strive to constantly better

yourself so that your business remains relevant and prospers in this day and
age where innovation is an important thing for success.

Commitment – With motivation, you are committed to aligning yourself

and those of your team with the goals of your business.

Initiative – Motivation empowers you to take the initiative and grab

opportunities that come your way to achieve personal and professional
success.

Optimism – You are ever-prepared to bounce back from temporary

setbacks and obstacles and persist in your efforts to achieve your goals.
Emotional Intelligence and the Bottom Line of an Organization
Today, an increasing number of companies choose to include emotional
intelligence as an important criterion to select candidates for jobs. In
addition to technical skills, companies are looking at competencies such as
assertiveness skills, stress management abilities, social and political
acumen, and empathy.

Studies have proven that people with higher emotional intelligence tend to
be more productive and efficient than people with lower EQ in sales,
software development, and other jobs. EQ helps improve the effectiveness
of a person to do well in all the fields.

When it comes to hiring, most companies choose people with a higher EQ

than those with a higher IQ. In fact, even when it comes to promotions too,
companies are more likely to choose people who have proven their
emotion- and people-management skills rather than those who have worked
for themselves.

Companies need people who manage stressful situations and who can
empathize with their colleagues and teammates because it is now dawned
on most corporate houses that success cannot come with smartness and
intelligence alone but has to combine with emotion management and other
soft skills aspects of human beings.
 Chapter 12:
The Role of Emotional Intelligence for a Healthy
Environment at Home
Perhaps the best test of your emotional intelligence is when you use it in
romantic relationships because, in romance, emotions are usually very
strong and very personal, and deep intimate connections can be forged.
When you open the depths of your heart to someone, you are exposing
yourself to getting hurt and rejected at a very deep level, and if the hurt is
strong, then you can be scarred for life.

Falling in love has little or nothing to do with intelligence or personality.

It’s an experience that goes deeper than both. Romantic relationships work
the best when both the partners have high levels of emotional intelligence.
The more valuable a relationship is to us, the more we want to know about
the partner’s emotions and the reasons for the emotions.

When your partner with whom you are deeply in love feels hurt or upset
about something, you feel empathy towards him or her, and we are willing
to hear and accept their side of the story wholeheartedly. Another
interesting phenomenon between romantic partners is that people with a
fewer number of unmet needs tend to hear and empathize with the other
partner’s emotions and feelings better than those with many unmet needs.

For example, if one of the partners is needy, then his or her own unmet need
will occupy the person’s mind space, and such people are unlikely to listen
to their partner’s emotional needs. Taking care of their own pain is typically
a survival instinct, and that unmet need will naturally take precedence over
the partner’s needs.
The Rationale Behind the Need for Empathy
Human beings are emotionally needy animals. We all need to know that
someone loves and cares for us. When we feel pain from anger, resentment,
disappointment or anything, then we want someone to empathize with our
emotions, and feel the pain with us.

When we get hurt, we call attention to ourselves so that someone who cares
for us will come and comfort us. Even before human beings learned and
developed verbal communication, we used sounds such as cries, moans, sad
tones, facial expressions of pain, etc. to let others know we need help. This
was, in fact, a survival instinct for our ancestors from our cavemen days
when human beings moved in tribes from place to place in search of food
and shelter.

The more care the people showed to an individual, the more that person was
valued in the tribe. If there was a complete lack of concern, there was a high
risk that the concerned person could be left behind at some point to fend for
himself or herself in which case the chances of survival were very slim.
Therefore, the craving for empathy and concern from other people was, in
truth, a survival instinct which is still deeply embedded in our psyche. We
crave empathy, especially in pain.

However, the trick in demanding empathy in a romantic relationship is this

that we must not do it when we are in pain. If we feel the need for empathy
when we are in pain, and, if for some reason, our partner is unable to give it
at that point in time, we turn resentful and bitter. Then, instead of being in a
receiving mode, we turn into an aggressive, demanding mode and attack our
partners. When human beings are attacked, the first and natural reaction is
to get defensive, and how can there be empathy in such a situation?

Here is an example to illustrate this point: A girl attacks her boyfriend for
not caring or not showing enough concern for her. ‘You are not even
bothered if I am hurt right now too, are you?’ She barks at her boyfriend
who was flustered for a moment. Then, he turned around, and retorted,
‘Yes, right now I’m not concerned for you. I’m only worried about how to
defend myself against your verbal attacks.’

And yes, that is quite true. The more we attack, the more defensive the
other person gets. You cannot really feel empathy when you are under
attack. This attitude is again a survival instinct. From time immemorial, we
have evolved to protect ourselves first before trying to help someone else.

Therefore, if you are looking for empathy, it is wise not to attack the person
from whom you want the emotion. Avoid saying things like:

If I’m important to you, then you would show more concern than
now.
You really don’t care about me, I think.

Even if some people decide to fall for your whines, and choose to show
empathy, it would most likely be a pretense and not a genuine concern.
Their insincere empathetic reaction will, most likely, be triggered by a
feeling of guilt; an unhealthy emotion in any relationship. People who
leverage the power of guilt to get their work done will not be able to use it
for long because sooner than later, the other party will begin to feel
resentful driven by the loss of power in the relationship.

Such emotional imbalances will create power struggles between the two
partners, and other unhealthy emotions such as inferior, superior, defeat,
victory, judgmental attitude, etc. will come into play resulting in the
relationship turning very toxic.

A romantic relationship should ideally be mutually nurturing. Each partner

will take turns to be the caregiver and the caretaker so that both the partners
receive and give equal amounts of love, care, and concern to each other.

Therefore, considering the number of layers of emotions that come into

play in a romantic relationship, it is but the strongest representation of an
individual’s level of emotional intelligence.
Here are some thoughts that will help you create and maintain long-
standing loving, romantic relationships:

Ensure you are not confused between loving your partner and
needing your partner. A need is reflective of dependency and
insecurity. If you think you need your partner, then it means, you
cannot live without him or her in your life. However, if you truly
love your partner, you can let go, and, still love him or her. If
you love your partner, then you don’t need him or her to be
happy. You can love your partner even after you have broken up.
During the relationship, if you feel guilty or bad about
something, don’t hesitate to discuss your feelings with your
partners. Openness and trust are critical for a strong romantic
relationship. If you have done something wrong, don’t hesitate to
say sorry.
If your partner does not accept your apology, then don’t let that
feeling fester in your mind. You forgive yourself because you
found the courage to own up to your mistake, and ask for
forgiveness or offer some restitution. You can only say sorry
genuinely and from the depths of your heart. Accepting your
apology is not under your control.
Take responsibilities for your feelings, emotions, fears,
weaknesses, and defensiveness. They are yours. Don’t pass on
the blame of feeling sad or depressed or angry to your partner.
Discuss and express the feelings by all means but without blame,
criticism, or judgment.
Also, learn to tell your partner your needs explicitly and clearly.
Don’t expect him or her to read your mind.

Here are some tips to manage negative emotions in a relationship:

First, identify the emotion.

Express it by starting your sentence with, ‘I feel…’
Wait for your partner’s response. Don’t expect a response that
suits you.
Next, identify your emotions to the response.
 Use these emotions and the current situation to decide if you
want to take this particular negative episode forward. In fact, if
such negative emotions continue to recur in your relationship,
you can also decide whether you want to take the relationship
forward or not.

And finally, if many such unsuccessful relationships keep recurring in your

life, then it is time to turn inwards and identify all your unmet needs that are
blocking the path to a healthy and happy relationship.
Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to Nurture Your
Relationships
Suppose there has been some bad blood between you and partner. Here is
how you can use the 4-step nonviolent communication to nurture and grow
your romantic relationships. Let us take this illustrative scenario: suppose
you had told him about an important family party that both of you need to
attend, and he said no. Words were exchanged, and before both of you
realized it, it becomes a full-blown fight.

First, ask yourself what happened – This is the observation stage of the 4-
step process in NVC. Observe and describe the situation without judging.
What did you say? What did he say? What triggered the unpleasant scene?
Answer these questions factually without your interpretations or opinions.

For example, your observation cannot be something like, ‘He rudely said
no.’ You will have to simply repeat his words in your observation diary, and
only quote what he said. The word, ‘rude,’ is your interpretation.

Also, in your observations, don’t bring issues of the past. Remain in the
present. Keep out emotions when you are observing.

Next, describe your feelings – Now, focus on your feelings. What are your
emotions? Where are you feeling them? Are there physical symptoms?
Name the emotions? Don’t use language that portrays you as a victim.
Avoid words such as reject, abandoned, unsupported, or misunderstood.

These are not emotions. They only represent your evaluation of other
people’s action on you. You feel hurt, pain, dismayed, surprised, startled,
happy, etc. When you look at your emotions and not the interpretation of
the emotion, you are taking responsibility for them. There is no blame
attached when you simply name emotions and not their effect on you.

Now, identify your needs – We already know that these emotions are
communicating an unmet need. So, identify that underlying unmet need that
is emerging through your emotion.
One of the biggest mistakes we do is to assume that our partners know all
our needs. This expectation could be a residual emotion carried forward
from our infancy and toddler ages when our parents or caregivers
preempted every need and gave us what we want even before we knew we
wanted it.

As adults, we need to outgrow this expectation. And be sensible and

explicitly identify your needs, and then express it which is the fourth and
final step in the NVC communication process.

Finally, express your need clearly – Once your need is identified, then
express it clearly and specifically. The trick in this step is to avoid
expecting a response that you want. Be ready to expect any response
including receiving a no for an answer. Partners in healthy relationships feel
free to voice their needs and are ready to take either a yes or a no for an
answer. All this has to happen without any form of judgmental attitude.

As you talk about your needs and are open to receiving different outcomes,
you will find your relationship taking better with each interaction. You will
find your relationship becoming increasingly authentic and more fulfilling
than before. And the most important thing, when you use the NVC method,
you will know when it is time to let go of unfulfilling and toxic
relationships.

Therefore, by practicing positive and awareness-enriched nonviolent

communication techniques, both of you are committing yourself to give and
receive love from the core of your heart.
 Chapter 13:
Healthy Parenting Using Emotional Intelligence
Raising children and living childhood are both becoming increasingly
difficult in this highly complex, modern-day world that is filled with
material resources, and yet, devoid of resources for the heart and soul.
Emotional intelligence in parenting starts with building and developing
emotional intelligence in yourself.

Using emotional intelligence in parenting starts with opening your emotions

to your children. Don’t hide them. Let them know you feel hurt, anger,
disappointment, and other negative emotions, and that these are natural
aspects of human beings. However, how you express them is important.

Also, let them know that you are okay when they show anger against you.
However, don’t forget to tell them that when they say things like ‘I hate
you’ in anger, then you feel hurt and pained. Taking emotional abuse from
children should not be encouraged. So, letting them know that you feel hurt
when they say nasty things to you, then the next time, they are angry, kids
will remember this, and find alternative and more mature methods of
expressing their anger.
Parenting Tips for the Emotionally Intelligent
Here are some emotional intelligence tips to help you through your
parenting journey:

Treat emotions like information or data – This is, perhaps, the most
challenging aspect of parenting with emotional intelligence because the
relationship between parents and children is one that is filled to the brim
and overflowing with feelings and emotions. You feel unconditional love,
pride, anxiety, worry, anger, and other emotions with far great intensity with
your child as compared to other personal relationships in your life.

Yet, if you focus and observe the emotions you are feeling as objectively as
you can, and understand the underlying need, you will find it increasingly
easy to look at and treat emotions like pieces of information. This objective
outlook will prevent the emotions from overwhelming you which, in turn,
will help you make the best choices for your child.

Treat emotions with a sense of curiosity, and you will be able to discern the
information that it is trying to give you.

Parenting is a long-term marathon – Many times, parents feel like time is

running out, and events in their children’s lives are happening at a slower
pace than other children. Parenting does not get over soon. It goes on and
on, and you will need to be there for your child right through your life. So,
seemingly missed chances could be an opportunity for something bigger
and better. Patience and resilience are key elements that you will always
need to fall back as a parent.

Things keep changing for your child. So, at times, when you feel ‘there is
nothing I can do to help my child do better,’ or ‘my child is always going to
have this problem,’ or ‘he or she will never find the strength to overcome
this,’ etc., hold that thought. Step back from the moment. Remind yourself
that you have a lifetime with your child, and simply revel being with your
child at that moment in time, irrespective of the external circumstances.
Your child will get a lifetime of opportunities and a wide variety of choices.
Hold on to your options, and the right ones for your child will come around.
Adapting yourself to your child’s needs will help both of you achieve the
desired results of being a good parent and a good child. Running marathons
is tiring and exhausting; so take breaks, and let pressure be released from
time to time both for yourself and your child. See the bigger picture to help
you overcome temporary setbacks.

Parenting has a long-term, and a bigger purpose that extends beyond

your own children – Parenting not only affects the future of your child but
also the future of the society that your child is going to live in. Parents
influence an entire generation who will be the future leaders of the world.
As parents, you are developing adults who will take on the baton of the
world from your generation, and what they learn from you will be passed
on their children too.

When you understand this far-reaching purpose of parenting, it gives you a

deeper sense of perspective than merely feeding, clothing, educating, and
managing other needs of your children alone. When you see the big picture,
you will find it easier to balance energy and other parenting resources
effectively and efficiently.
Building Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence
Parenting also involves building your child’s emotional intelligence as well.
The earlier you start this lesson, the better for your child. Here are some
easy tips:

Empathize with your children and accept their perspectives – Many

times, in our hurry to solve our children’s problems, we don’t even give
them time to understand and come to terms with their emotions. Sometimes,
it is important not to do anything but simply listen to your children’s
interpretations of their emotions which will help them understand what they
are going through.

Even if you think that your child’s response is a bit overboard for a
particular situation, remember that just like adults, children also have stored
up emotions, and this seemingly out-of-proportion reaction could be a result
of earlier accumulated feelings. Most often, children hold on to their
negative emotions and express them only when they come to their safe
haven which is you!

Empathizing gives your children the strength to face their emotions, and
they feel empowered that their perspectives matter to you. Moreover, when
you give them an opportunity to voice their ideas, they will learn this lesson
and know that others should also get this opportunity. Once you empathize
with their emotions and hear their perspective, they will be able to see
things more objectively than before. Here are some examples of how you
can empathize with your children:

‘You are so angry that it is raining, and you cannot go out and
play, right?’
‘I know it is hard for you to stop playing right now, and come for
your dinner. But, you know that it is time to eat, right?’
‘Don’t you wish I could be there only for you, and forget your
sisters and brothers?’
‘I know you want to stay up late like the adults.’
‘You are disappointed that you couldn’t build your Lego tower.’
Here are some great benefits your children will experience when you show
empathy and see their viewpoints:

Getting the sense of being understood is known to generate and release

soothing biochemicals that strengthen the nervous system. Children will use
this same power to soothe themselves when they become adults. You are, in
effect, sowing the seeds of emotional intelligence in your children by
empathizing with them.

Children learn to empathize with others from your empathy

towards them.
Helping them voice their perspectives helps them understand
what event triggered their flood of emotions. It is the sapling that
will grow into the big, powerful tree of observation skills; the
first step of the nonviolent communication process.

Don’t interrupt when they are expressing their emotions – Children

cannot discern between their emotions and the triggers. For them,
everything is one seamless unpleasant experience. Avoid minimizing,
rejecting, or interrupting the expression of your children’s emotions.

For example, suppose your child says, ‘I hate my sister,’ and you stop his
ranting with an angry, ‘Don’t talk like that about your sister.’ You are telling
your children that certain emotions are shameful and should not be
expressed. This approach is the first and almost irrevocable step to curtail a
child’s emotional intelligence growth and development.

Your disapproval will not stop your child’s emotions. It will only teach
them to repress those emotions, and accumulated repressed feelings are the
perfect recipe for emotional disaster. The best thing for you to do is allow
your children to express their emotions fully, and let them get the feel of the
entire range of human emotions during their childhood. You only teach
them that these feelings are perfectly natural and show them how they can
respond to these emotions in a better way.
 I can see you are furious at your sister because she broke your
favorite toy. You must know that hitting her is not allowed. Use
words to tell her how angry you are with her.
You are so frustrated today because nothing seems to be going
right for you. You feel like crying, right? Everyone feels like
crying sometimes. Come to Mummy, and cry as much as you
want.
You are so unhappy right now. Everyone gets upset sometimes.
Want to tell me about it?
You are so angry that you want to cry and scream. Everyone
feels like that sometimes, and it is okay to feel like that. Do you
want to tell me or show me how angry you are?
You are so upset that you are pushing me away. I will step back a
little. But, these feelings are painful and hurt a lot, and I’m not
going to leave you alone with them. I am here for you, and you
are safe. Be as sad and mad as you want, and when you are
finished, I will come and hug you.
You are worried about your first field trip from school? I was
also quite worried on my first trip from school. Do you want to
talk about it?

Here’s how this attitude benefits your child’s emotional intelligence

development:

Your children will find it easier to accept their negative emotions backed by
your support and acceptance. Acceptance is the first step to resolve the
effects of negative emotions. Your children will, sooner than later, find their
own healthy ways of accepting and managing their negative emotions.

When you accept your children’s expression of emotion, they will not look
at these feelings as something dangerous, shameful or to be avoided. Your
children will know that emotions are universal and completely natural
including negative ones like anger, hate, sadness, etc. Your children will
learn to accept themselves the way they are.
When you allow your children to express their emotions fully, they will
understand that feelings are temporary; they come and go. They understand
that if we face them, they pass easily. Some children can get so terrified of
emotions overwhelming them that they try to push them away until they
feel they are safe to experience. Your acceptance will give your children
that safety net.

When you allow your children to feel safe and express their emotions
openly, you are helping them heal. Moreover, they will learn to trust their
emotional process and learn to manage their emotions on their own in a
healthy way without throwing tantrums or repressing them.

Teach your children how to solve their own problems – With the above
lessons, your children will learn that emotions are nothing but information
and messages to read and understand, and not something to wallow in. They
will learn to breathe and live through these emotions, and the feelings
dissipate, teach your children how to solve their problems because now they
can see things clearly.

Most times, children can solve their little problems on their own. They still
haven’t grown big egos. Therefore, once their emotions have passed, they
will not hesitate to walk across to their friends, say sorry, shake hands, give
a hug, and move on. Sometimes, they might need you to brainstorm. Don’t
rush in, and offer your solutions. Just be there so that they can find their
own solutions. Here are some ideas:

You are so upset that your best friend, Sally, cannot come to your
birthday party because she is sick. Whenever you are ready,
maybe we can talk about some fun things both of you can plan
for once Sally is better, is that ok?
You are angry that your friend John is not giving you a chance
with the baseball bat. But I know you do enjoy playing with
John. I wonder what you can say to John so that he knows and
understands how you feel so you can play together?
Here’s how this problem-solving approach will help develop emotional
intelligence in your children:

Once children have managed to handle their emotions, they must

learn to take their focus off from their emotions and transfer it to
problem-solving.
They will learn that managing emotions is only half the problem
solved. The other equally important part of the problem can be
solved only through constructive solutions.

All children experience huge feelings on a regular basis. Most often, they
feel powerless in the face of all these strange experience, and get scared and
hurt. As parents, we simply need to be there for them, and let them know
that feelings are normal and natural, and help them overcome the peaks.
With practice, your children will learn to discern and manage their own
emotions in healthy and mature ways.
 Chapter 14:
Emotional Intelligence and Stress Management
Emotional intelligence is one of the most important requirements for stress
management. Training your emotions can help you overcome stress because
unbridled emotions tend to overwhelm and override your objective outlook.

Why do we get stressed out? The primary cause of stress in our lives is this;
we all have ambitions and goals in life. But, if something happens that
comes in the way of achieving our objectives, we get stressed, and emotions
simply take over our lives. People with low levels of emotional intelligence
look at themselves as ‘victims’ of external situations. Such people neither
have nor are willing to learn the capabilities to change their reactions and
responses to the situations.

Time is the most expensive and fast-depleting element for each of us. Days
become months, months turn to years, and soon we get old, and we realize
we have not lived at all. We are so focused on our tomorrow that we forget
to experience each beautiful moment of life as it passes us by in a fleeting
instant.

Emotional intelligence teaches us mindfulness. It teaches us to observe

every feeling and every element of our momentary experience so that we
live each moment fully and completed engaged in our life. Emotional
intelligence makes us treat a life experience as a journey to be enjoyed and
not as a destination to be reached. It’s only when we want to reach
somewhere, do we get stressed out wondering whether we will reach on
time or whether we will reach at all.

Instead of treating our life as a destination to reach, if we treat our life as an

unending journey, then we don’t have to be stressed about anything. Here is
an inspiring story of a man who refused to take life as anything else but a
journey replete with ups and downs, happy and sad emotions, and
everything else in between.

A 75-year-old widower decided to join college and complete his

undergraduate studies in English literature. As expected, he was the oldest
student in the class, and all the other students either chose to ignore him or
mocked him, sometimes subtly, and sometimes, to his face.

Joseph, for that was his name, never took this to heart, and continued to
work hard, and do well in class. He never missed an opportunity to help
others. He smiled heartily when jokes were made on him, and he was there
when somebody needed wisdom from old people.

Soon, the age difference was forgotten, and by the time, the first semester
was over, Joseph was as much part of his class as any other of his 19-20-
year-old classmates. He became the center of attention, and thanks to his
voracious reading habits, he was able to learn everything that was taught to
him as fast as the sharp minds of his much younger classmates. In fact,
when it came to learning the classics, others would approach him for help.

Soon, the four years passed, and it was graduation day. Joseph was given
the honor of the valedictory speech not just because he was the oldest, and
he earned the top score in his entire batch. His English was flawless, and his
ready wit was bound to have everyone in splits.

He walked up to the dais, and for the first time, in the four years of college,
he gave a serious speech because as he said, ‘I want to leave my knowledge
so that other young people can take it forward after me.’ This was the gist
of his speech:

It is very easy to stay young forever. You just have to learn to be happy and
laugh as often as you can, find humor every day, and you have to keep
dreaming. You live because you have dreams. You die when you stop
dreaming. So, if you look around, and watch people walking around like as
they are dead, they are actually living without a dream or a purpose.
Growing old is very different from growing up. A 20-year-old lying in bed
for an entire year becomes 21 years at the end of that year. Similarly, a 75-
year-old becomes 76 after one year. That is growing old. Anyone can grow
old. It requires no talent or any kind of special abilities.

Growing up, on the other hand, requires you to find opportunities for
success and happiness at every turn in your life. Old people rarely regret
things they did in the past. They only regret things they did not do. So, go
live your life each day, experiencing each moment fully.

Find reasons for joy in each and every moment of your life. Revel in your
emotions without letting them overwhelm you. Make sure you experience
all the emotions in your life. Don’t avoid seemingly negative emotions
because those are the actual teachers of success. They will teach you what
mistakes you did. They will teach you to accept yourself as you are; warts
and all. They will teach you the power of self-love.

In this story, Joseph died a month after that graduation day speech he gave.
When he joined college to learn, he did not think of the destination. He
chose just to do what he had dreamed of, and live each moment learning as
much as he could, and live each moment of life with joy without worrying
about tomorrow will bring.

For the stressed-out people, the first thought that is quite likely to come is
this, ‘What use was the college degree at 75? Why take on something so
stressful at that age?’ Well, that was not a question that Joseph wanted an
answer to because he was not stressed about the destination that the college
degree will take him. He was only interested in his journey to the college
degree, the fun time he had even as he learned more and more each day, the
number of new friends he made each day, and how beautifully he grew UP
each day.

When Joseph died at 79, he never grew old. He only grew UP. Over 3000
students from his college came for his funeral, and there was not one set of
dry eyes in the crowd. Joseph left behind a legacy that will not be forgotten
for years to come. Each person he came in touch with seemed to become
more mature and more emotionally intelligent than before they met him. He
was able to live life fully and unbridled, every moment of his life, and that
is why stress never came anywhere near him.

Here are some ways how emotional intelligence will help you manage
stress by keeping the following irrational thoughts at bay:

Irrational thought: I should have the approval of everyone I connect with.

Emotionally intelligent thought: I know wanting to be loved and

approved by everyone is unrealistic. I will find happiness with whoever
loves me.

Irrational thought: I have to be successful and excellent at everything I do

to have high levels of self-esteem and self-worth.

Emotionally intelligent thought: It is naïve to expect perfection from

myself in everything I do. It is perfectly okay to fail and make mistakes.

Irrational thought: I am so totally so stupid to have tried to do this. I don’t

really deserve it and that’s why I didn’t get it right.

Emotionally intelligent thought: What I did was stupid, and I am sorry for
it. However, I am willing to forgive myself and try again.

Irrational thought: I am totally to be blamed for what happened.

Emotionally intelligent thought: I am sorry for what happened. I am at

fault, but I cannot be blamed for it.

Irrational thought: It is better to avoid than face the problems in my life.

Hopefully, the problems will simply go away.

Emotionally intelligent thought: While I may be able to get some respite

by running away from my problems, it is best to face them, identify my role
in it, and make changes that are under my control.
Irrational thought: Things are always going wrong.

Emotionally intelligent thought: I accept that sometimes things can go

wrong, and that’s okay, and in fact, natural.

Irrational thought: I am a total failure.

Emotionally intelligent thought: Like most other people, I am a person

who does fail sometimes. But, I learn lessons, pick myself up, and try again.

Irrational thought: I have always been this way, and my past experiences
have made me who I am today. I cannot change anything even if I wanted
to.

Emotional intelligent thought: I believe everything in this world is up for

change. I have done things in the past which have influenced my present
state. However, I can learn to change myself and other elements which are
under my control because both people and situations are always changing.

Irrational thought: I need something external to keep me happy. I needed

someone stronger than me to find comfort and joy.

Emotionally intelligent thought: I am the maker of my own destiny. Right

now, I may think I need others to be happy. But, I realize that dependence
like other bad habits can be eliminated or changed.

Irrational thoughts create stress whereas thinking with the strength of

emotional intelligence helps you reduce stress. Moreover, when you choose
the emotionally intelligent way of thinking, you are taking control of your
life. Taking control of your life means you choose what you want to do with
it; do you want to turn left or right or go straight.

And when you make such conscious choices, it will be easier to manage
stress better because you would have thought through the entire process,
and prepared yourself for most of the potential challenges.
 Conclusion
All of us are bound to have come across people in our lives who seem to
have their emotions, reactions, and responses perfectly under control.
People who manage toxicity at work as well as in their personal
relationships. Did you wonder how they managed to do all this? Did it seem
like a miracle to you?

Well, now that you have completed reading this book, I hope you realize
that it is not magic that helped people lead such enviable lives. It is the
power of emotional intelligence. The first step to emotional intelligence is
self-awareness. That means, first learn about yourself. Look at the mirror,
and love what you see because you are unique and special.

Self-awareness leads you to feel compassion for yourself first which

connects you to the natural state of compassion that all human beings are
born with; the core assumption of nonviolent communication. Combining
the powers of nonviolent communication and high emotional intelligence,
very soon, you realize you can transfer this self-compassion to others as
well.

You find it easy to understand another person’s perspective. Soon, you

reach a stage in your journey of achieving emotional intelligence when you
chide yourself gently for not seeing what others are showing you. When
you make this world full of people with high levels of emotional
intelligence who can relate to and connect with each other through
nonviolent communication, then no conflict or disagreement can remain
unresolved for long. World peace can truly take place.

Of course, the day of achieving complete world peace may be still far away.
However, with emotional intelligence and nonviolent communication, you
as an individual can definitely achieve stress relief, effective
communication, empathy, learn to overcome challenges, and resolve
conflict effectively.