Cigarette Lobbyist Sketch

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Ben Broughton Cigarette Lobbyist Sketch frankfromthehub@hotmail.

com

MILES: This week tobacco firms have been accused of funding a


campaign to keep cigarettes in view of customers as well as
lobbying MPs. We are joined by a lobbyist on behalf of British
American Tobacco; John Player. John, isn’t it immoral for
tobacco companies to lobby MPs?

JOHN: In this time of cuts, smooth ‘Silk Cuts’, MPs are on the look out
for funding, and it is true that some donations are made, but
why would that be wrong?

MILES: Because MPs could be influenced by lobbyists such as


yourself.

JOHN: I reassure you, I have no influence, I’m not ‘Royal’, I don’t


represent an ‘Embassy’, as much as I would like to bang on my
own ‘Drum’, I’m just a simple lobbyist.

MILES: Could you stop doing that please?

JOHN: Doing what?

MILES: You seem to be mentioning tobacco brands as you speak.

JOHN: That reminds me of being in ‘Mayfair’ the other day with my two
friends ‘Lambert and Butler’.

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Ben Broughton Cigarette Lobbyist Sketch frankfromthehub@hotmail.com

MILES: (INTERUPTING) This no time for your anecdotes, you’re here


to discuss important issues. Not subliminally advertise towards
a young and impressionable audience.

JOHN: We that represent tobacco industries don’t intend on


advertising to young people, that’s why I’m here on Radio
Seven.

MILES: But many people believe the power walls that stock cigarettes
in shops are still giant adverts to the young, and while some
MPs want these removed it was claimed this week that tobacco
companies are backing a campaign to stop this.

JOHN: Removing them will impact on small businesses, you have to


remember running a small shop in like running a ‘Sovereign’
state. Shopkeepers are their own ‘Superkings’ and a blow like
removing the power walls could be the straw that breaks the
‘Camels’ back.

MILES: But are tobacco companies finically backing this campaign?

JOHN: I’m not in the position to say if any ‘Sterling’ has changed
hands.

MILES: If you do that again, this interview is over.

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Ben Broughton Cigarette Lobbyist Sketch frankfromthehub@hotmail.com

JOHN: I apologise Miles, but what I am trying to get across is cuts are
coming in many forms and these cuts will not help small
businesses, keeping the power walls in place is going to aid
small shop owners, if I was in government I would be in support
of keeping them, but I suppose it’s down to those in charge,
you could say it’s the ‘Cutter’s Choice’.

MILES: No you couldn’t. That was the most pathetic attempt yet to
crowbar in a tobacco brand and seeing as you’ve done it I wish
to terminate the interview.

JOHN: Fine by me, that was my last one anyway.

MILES: A ‘John Player Special’ interview there, Christ, even I’m at it


now.

END

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