Use the Gifts of Presence &Touch

If you’ve ever visited a patient who is terminally ill, and not very responsive,
you may wonder whether your visits are making a difference.

Some of the questions we hear include: “I don’t feel like I am doing anything”
… “The person is asleep, or falls asleep, during my visit. Should I wake them?
Should I stay?” … “What should I be doing? Am I helping?” or  “What should
I say to the person?”

I want to assure you—your presence does make a difference. It can be difficult

to be with someone who is terminally ill; it isn’t always clear what to do, or say.
First, remember—intention is everything. If your intention is to rush in, make
small talk and get out fast, it will show. If, however, your intention is to make
the person feel encouraged, cared about, or put a smile on his or her face, the
person will sense that too.

It is so important to make sure you are in a place of peace before the visit. If
you don’t feel calm, peaceful and centered, take fifteen minutes to quiet
yourself before entering the patient room. Always approach the person slowly
and quietly so as not to startle them. Introduce yourself with a quiet voice. “Hi,
I’m your nurse, Sam. I would like to sit with you for a while.” If you want, hold
the person’s hand. Start by telling the person what you are doing. “Mary, I am
going to hold your hand now.” Another option is to put the person’s hand on top
of yours. That way if the person does not like touch, they can pull away. If the
patient appears to be in and out of sleep, that is okay. They will know they are
not alone.

Although it’s natural to be concerned about what you’re going to say, don’t
worry so much about the words. The main thing is that your message comes
from the heart. It’s also important to remember to stop talking at times and
simply listen to the person. Here are a couple of tips to help you keep it real:

Do say – “It’s good to see you.” Let them know you have been thinking of
them.

At a loss for words – It’s okay to say, “Mary, I don’t know what to say or do,
but I am here and I care about you.”

Listen – If the person talks about being anxious, listen quietly. Don’t try to
change the subject or silence the person. When he or she is finished sharing
concerns, encourage him or her by asking, “What do you want to achieve now?”
Then you can gently shift the focus of the discussion to that goal rather than the
prognosis or condition. For instance, if a patient says she wants to live to see her
grandbaby born, ask her how they will celebrate when the baby arrives. Try to
keep the conversation positive.

Chatter is overrated – Be present without saying a word. You do not have to fill
every moment of your visit with conversation. Just make sure you are focused
on the person and not thinking about your next appointment or task on the “to-
do” list.

Being there, really being there, for someone yields life lessons you can’t get any
other way.