Sibling Rivalry

It’s normal!

• Conflict and disagreements between siblings are part

of family life.
• Most conflicts revolves around “sharing” issues.
• Occurs when personal territory, personal space,
possessions and time are invaded or violated.
 First commandment of childhood:
“Thou shall fight and argue with your siblings until your
parents can stand it no longer”

• Research shows that sibling fighting is a concern to

parents in three out of four families with more than
one child.
• Keep a realistic attitude to children’s disputes.
• Adults who live together argue too.
• Conflict itself it not harmful, but the way siblings
resolve disagreements generally concerns parents.
At the heart of fighting or poor conflict resolution

Rivalry
Jealousy
Competitiveness
 Gender has an impact on how children
resolve disputes

Boys
are often reflexive,
action-oriented
and hierarchical

Girls
are often more reflective,
verbal and emotionally adept
Understanding Birth Order
 How Birth Order Impacts Families
• Youngest

• Second borns

• First borns

• “The Middle Child Syndrome”

• Step or Blended Families

 Youngest and Later borns
• They are generally the charmers and
manipulators.

• Youngest are often babied, spoiled,

affectionate, outgoing and uncomplicated.

• The pressure is off the last borns.

 Youngest/Later borns

• Risk takers
• Outgoing
• Ideas people creative
• Challenge authority

Often creative, often playful, often divergent thinkers,

often great followers, often terrific at starting projects.
 Five Strategies for raising
the youngest child

• The key to raising youngest children: Let them take

responsibility
1. Don’t let them get lost.
2. Give them responsibilities.
3. Encourage them to make own decisions about a
range of things.
4. Put the pressure on them.
5. Let go- resist the temptation to hold on.
 The Little
Brother no one
ever listened
to!

And still don’t!

 The
Youngest
Child
 Second Borns and Middles
• Will be influenced by the elder sibling and will
differ from that sibling.

• They are victims of bad timing!

Five strategies for raising seconds or middles
• The key to raising and teaching second borns: Help them
feel special
1. Never compare a second born to a sibling.
2. Help them find their own area of expertise.
3. Listen to this child.
4. Initiate one-on-one time with your second born.
5. Don’t let them avoid conflict.
 The
Middle
Child
 First Borns
• First borns are often more motivated to
achieve than later borns.

• Are the ‘trail blazers’ for parents and for the

children to follow.

• DETHRONEMENT!!
 Five Strategies for parenting a First
Born
Key message for most first borns – loosen up!

1. Encourage rather than criticize.

2. Save some responsibility for others.

3. Have some special times and privileges.

4. Flaunt your imperfections.

5. Need for structure and rules.

 The First
Born Child
 Know the rules of Birth Order

1. It is not so much the position per se that makes the difference, rather it is how a child
functions.
2. Children always take their cues from the child above them so it is important to get the
whole picture when working with birth order.
3. The longer that first and seconds live together the more diverse their birth order
personalities will be.
4. If a first born changes then the second born will invariably change to maintain their
differences. If the second born becomes the responsible academic child then there is
every chance the first born will be a little less responsible and excel in other areas than
school.
5. When there is a five to six year gap the family begins again. So the next in line after a
gap usually has first born characteristics.
6. Twins generally become firsts and seconds, regardless of which child entered the world
first.
7. A child born with a disability usually takes the position of the youngest, and the child
who follows takes their position or the position of oldest.
8. In two-child families many permutations occur depending on gender – there can be two
first borns or if a boy follows a girl then he may be more like a youngest.
 Birth Order
Characteristics
First borns / only
Second / middles
• Goal-setters
• Flexible
• High achievers
• Diplomatic
• Perfectionists
• Peacemaker
• Responsible
• Free spirit
• Rule keepers
• Generous
• Determined
• Competitive
• Detail people
• Often ‘people’ people, often
Often driven, often solitary
flexible, often great
workers, often big picture
negotiators, often get things
people, often the project
done, often the social glue in
managers.
an organization or family.
 How parents become involved in
sibling conflicts?

• Parents usually become involved in sibling disputes,

even when we don’t want to.
• Parents tend to take on one of four roles when
children fight and argue with each other.
 The Police Officer

• Upholds the rules of the house.

• Concerned mainly with safety.
• Makes sure no one hurts each other.
• Makes sure no one breaks the family rules.
• Useful role as long as you don’t take sides.
 The Judge

• Concerned with justice and fair treatment.

• Often find one or both parties guilty.
• Hands down some type of sentence as punishment.
• “Off you go to your room” or “you are grounded”.
• Necessary role when there has been a serious wrong-
doing.
• Not a role that you should take too often.
 The Peacemaker
• Doesn’t take sides.
• Tries to reach a peace deal.
• Uses “I-messages”.
• Concerned with peace and quiet.
• Concerned with restoring relationships.
• Likes to see that children act in conciliatory ways.
• Willing to listen intently when a child has been hurt.
• Admirable role to take.
 The Problem Solver

• Likes to resolve conflict by sticking to the issue that

caused the dispute rather than trying to find out who
started the quarrel.
• “I will help you work out a better way of sharing your
toys”.
• A terrific role, but be careful that you don’t over do it
as you will always be solving problems!
• Rather teach kids to sort out their own disputes.
Reflection: Recall a sibling conflict

The Judge The Police Officer

The Peacemaker The Problem Solver

Children normally model the conflict resolution
of significant adults in their lives

They need to see adults resolve problems and disputes

without using power, without losing control and by
focusing on the issues rather than the dispute.
 Have you experienced this?

• Disputes generally begin as a disagreement over

some minor issue.
• But the resulting disturbance of the peace can be
extremely hard for parents to deal with.
• Often occurs when parents are busy and have little
time to handle them effectively.
 Kids’ fights usually have a number of
predictable phases
• Quiet stage –
one child annoys, nags, or
criticizes another.

• Phase two –
the noise level rises and the
children become agitated or
aggressive.
• The moving phase – the fight
moves from one area of the house
to another accompanied by the
use of insults, shouting and door
slamming. May become physical.

• The fight climaxes when one or all

come to you in tears, telling tales
or looking for justice .
“He hit me and I didn’t do
anything”.
without blaming
 Help kids resolve conflicts peacefully
Goal: all parties feel that they are listened to and that their
concerns have been considered and addressed.
– Some adults haven’t learned conflict resolution skills.
– Defensive of their ideas or wants.
– Become quiet rather than communicate thoughts and feelings.
– Remain self-centered – if you win I must lose.

• Conflict among children can offer you a teachable moment

– see conflicts as learning activities.
• Conflict itself isn’t the issue - how it is handled is the real
key.
 Reflection: Conflict Resolution Skills Ladder
Children who are still Steps in resolving Children who have
learning the skill conflict learned the skill
Own needs dominate. 5. Agree to a solution Assertively looks after own
Inflexible, uses power. rights.
Flexible and open-minded.
Response is limited to fight 4. Problem-solve by Generates a variety of
or flight. generating solutions ideas and options.
Focus on own interests. Willingness to discuss.
Unaware of how another 3. See the other Can empathize with
person feels. person’s view or story another person.
Can’t read affect of their Respond taking other
actions. person’s viewpoint.
Can’t verbalize feelings. 2. Communicate your Has a large feelings
Blames other person rather thoughts and feelings vocabulary.
than stating what they Can describe how they feel
want. about an issue and what they want.
Yells, screams, tantrums, 1. Control emotions Can remain calm or regain
tears. Lose control. control.
Getting cooperation in your family

• Create a sense of “we” rather than “me“.

• Often done through the little things parents do on a daily
basis rather than any major strategy.
• Developing shared responsibility.
• Everyone shares the joy, the problem, the wealth and the
decisions (depends on age and stage of development).
• Sense of family and commitment by children to the well-
being of each other.
• Strength of the family can be measured by looking at
whether children pull together when life is difficult .
 Family Meetings
• Unifies a family.
• Help establish “we”-centered groups.
• Teach children a conflict resolution process.
• Give them an opportunity to impact on family decision-
making.
• Children like a say in how the family operates.
• Children are more likely to stick to rules and decisions that
they have had a say in making .
• More cooperative kids – share and accept responsibility.
• Less open sibling disputes.
• The most effective factor in reducing rivalry between
siblings and ensuring harmonious relationships between
family members.
Ten basic keys for conducting family meetings
1. They must be regular
– Weekly meetings ideal.
– Must not be a vehicle for parents to get their point across.
2. Start when at least one child is five years of age
– Children need the verbal and cognitive skills to participate.
3. Have an agenda
– Chairperson and agenda.
– Plan for family fun, allocation of chores, resolving conflicts, family
issues and routines.
4. Avoid overloading the agenda
– Two or three items may be enough.
5. Have a “talk” object
– A ball that children must hold if the are going to speak.
– Teaches them to take turns.
Ten basic keys for conducting family meetings
6. Start each meeting with encouragement
– “Thanks for cleaning your toys away after playing with them today”.
– Sets a positive tone and teaches kids to encourage.
7. Finish with a pleasant activity
– A concluding game or a story.
8. They must be real
– Meetings are not a game you play with your kids.
– Be realistic as decisions should be followed later on.
9. Short and sharp, not long and dull
– 10 minutes might be enough.
10. It is the process that is important
– Meetings sometimes break down and no decisions are made.
– Don’t give up if it nothing concrete comes out of your first
meeting(s).
– The process of talking is more important than the outcome.
 Strong Family Model
Strength Characteristics
1. Communication Members talk regularly, few secrets, humor high, members interact in an
open, honest way.
2. Togetherness There is an invisible glue that binds, shared values, beliefs and morals,
experiences, sense of spirituality. Strong rituals such as regular mealtimes and
celebrations bring members together.
3. Sharing activities Children and adults participate as a unit in enjoyable activities.
4. Support Family members encourage, assist, affirm and reassure and look out for each
other. Members feel equally comfortable asking for and giving support.
5. Affection Members show affection regularly (kiss, hug, “I love you”, show care and
concern, acts of thoughtfulness.
6. Acceptance Show acceptance by respecting, appreciating and understanding each other’s
differences. Respect for individuality and uniqueness, give “space” to be
themselves, value differences.
7. Commitment Members show dedication and loyalty to family as a whole. Family well-being
is a high priority. Not giving up on each other particularly when times are
tough.
8. Resilience Respond positively to family challenges and adapt to change. Deal with
challenges thru talking, supporting each other, seeking outside support when
needed, and pulling together to form a united front to solve problems.
 Some Practical Parenting Ideas
• What to do when your children tell on each other.
1. “Where does this fit on the disaster scale from 1 – 10?”

2. “Can you handle this yourself? Is this something you can deal with?”

3. “What would you like me to do?”

4. “Does this problem really involve you?”

5. “I’ll listen to both of you when you can tell me the same story.”

6. “Can you write down what happened?”

 Practical ideas to help children 2 – 5
years of age to resolve sibling conflict
1. Help your child

2. Remove your child if he hurts others.

3. Give them some simple ideas about how to handle the

problem.

4. Recognize their efforts to resolve conflict cooperatively.

5. Tell them what to say.

 Practical ideas to help school-aged
children resolve sibling conflict
1. Encourage children to stop and think

2. Encourage your child to ask the other child.

3. Let kids know that they have a choice about how

they deal or resolve conflict.

4. Give them words to use.

5. When your child comes to you for help.