LEADERSHIP

AND

SELF-DECEPTIO N
Self-Study Course
Contents

Introduction......................................................................................... III

Understanding the Core Ideas ..................................................... 01

Understanding How We Get Out of the Box..............................14

Home and Personal-Life Issues.....................................................21

Professional and Work-Life Issues...............................................30

Working on Problems...................................................................... 47

Working on Relationships .............................................................56

Epilogue .............................................................................................64

Next Steps ..........................................................................................67

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Introduction

This self-study course is designed to help deepen your

understanding of the ideas in Arbinger’s international
bestseller, Leadership and Self-Deception. The course will also
help you to apply those ideas in different areas of your life.

This PDF is interactive with fields that allow you to type your
thoughts and answers.

Those who want to immerse themselves further in Arbinger’s

ideas and their implications may attend public Arbinger
courses on various topics. A schedule of events is available
on Arbinger’s website at arbinger.com.

III
 STUDY GUIDE: LEADERSHIP AND SELF-DECEPTION

UNDERSTANDING THE
CORE IDEAS

1
“Self-Deception” or the “Box”

What is “self-deception”? ( See the Preface and chapter 3 in

1
Leadership and Self-Deception.)

2 What is the source of our influence? (See pages 22-28.)

What are the two ways one can do almost any behavior? (See pages
3
32-37.)

2
 What does it mean to see someone as a person as opposed to as
4
an object? (See page 35.) (Note: Although not discussed in
Leadership and Self-Deception, there are actually three common
ways of seeing others as objects—seeing them as obstacles, as
vehicles, or as irrelevancies.)

What is wrong with the following interpretation of the two ways of

5
being: When I am in the box my behavior is “hard” or decisive, and
when I am out of the box my behavior is “soft” or squishy?
(See pages 45-47.)

In what ways does the problem of self-deception resemble the problem

6
of childhood fever back in Semmelweis’ day? (See chapter 4.)

3
How We Enter the Box

1 What is an act of “self-betrayal”? (See pages 64-65.)

List some of my own examples of self-betrayal (perhaps resembling

2
the examples on pages 7-8 and 65-66).

When I betray myself, I see others, myself, and the world in ways that
3
make me feel what? (See pages 66-71.)

4
 What is the relationship between self-betrayal and self-deception
4
(or the “box”)? (See pages 72-76.)

5 What are four common characteristics of the box? (See pages 76-79.)

6 How do emotions lie when we are in the box? (See pages 77-80.)

5
How We Carry the Box With Us

If I didn’t have a sense that I betrayed, can I be in the box? If so, how?
1
(See pages 81-88.)

What is a “self-justifying image” and how does it arise in self-betrayal?

2
(See pages 81-88.)

How is a self-justifying image the continued carrying of a box?

3
(See page 86.)

6
 When I am carrying the box (self-justifying images) with me, what
4
happens when someone says or does something that challenges
my box (e.g., they suggest I made a mistake when I have a box that
says, “I’m the sort of person who doesn’t make mistakes,” or they
suggest something else I could be doing when I have a box that says,
“I’m the sort of person who does more than my share,” and so on)?
(See pages 81-88.)

How are self-justifying images “perversions,” and what are they

5
perversions of? (See pages 87-88.)

If I seem to be in the box but can’t identify some sense I betrayed to

6
get in the box, what might be a helpful thing for me to consider?
(See page 87.)

7
What the Box Does to Others

What does self-betrayal/the box tend to invite in others?

1
(See pages 91-93.)

2 What do I need most when I am in the box? (See pages 96-98.)

If I am in the box toward John, what is false about this statement: “The
3
thing I want most in the whole world is that John would stop doing
what he is doing to me.” (See pages 97-98.)

8
 What advantage or satisfaction do I find in mistreatment by others
4
when I am in the box toward them? (See pages 99-101.)

Who is more likely to be mistreated or taken advantage of, and why—

5
the person who is out of the box or the person who is in? (See pages
99-102.)

Why does Arbinger use the word “collusion” to describe two or more
6
people mutually in the box toward each other? (See page 101.)

9
The Box and How We Get In It

1. There are two Ways of Being—the out-of-the-box way

where we see others as people, and the in-the-box way
where we see others as objects.

2. Way of Being is deeper and more important than behavior.

3. When we betray ourselves, we enter the box (i.e., we

become self-deceived).

4. In the box, we see others and ourselves in ways that justify

our own self-betrayals.

5. Over a lifetime of self-betrayal, we develop characteristic

self-justifying ways of seeing ourselves and the world; we
carry our “boxes” with us.

6. In the box, we provoke others to get in the box as well,

and the mistreatment we then get from others gives us
justification for staying in the box.

10
Ways that Won’t Get Me Out

Why won’t “trying to change others” get me out of the box?

1
(See pages 129-30.)

2 Why won’t “coping with others” work? (See pages 130-31.)

3 Why won’t “leaving” get me out of the box? (See page 131.)

11
4 Why won’t “communicating” get me out? (See pages 132-33.)

Why isn’t getting out of the box reducible to some skill or technique?
5
(See pages 133-34.)

Why won’t a change in behavior be sufficient to get me out of the box?

6
(See pages 134-35.)

12
Are We Stuck?

The dead ends on the prior page appear to leave no way out of the box.
But this has to be incorrect because all of us are out of the box some of the
time. So it can’t be the case that once we are in the box we are stuck in
the box.

Before turning to the next section, reread Chapter 12 and try to formulate a
paragraph that explains why and how we can get out of the box.

13
 STUDY GUIDE: LEADERSHIP AND SELF-DECEPTION

UNDERSTANDING HOW
WE GET OUT OF
THE BOX

14
A Key Truth

We do not live in a one-relationship world...

but in a multiple-relationship world.

15
How Getting Out Happens

The truth that makes change possible in every moment—

The box is a metaphor for how I am being in relationship with

a particular person. Since I am always in relationship with
multiple persons, when I am in the box toward a particular
person I can be (and usually am) out of the box toward
some other(s).

These responsive relationships (or memories of them) give

me leverage to get out of the box in other areas of my life, for
they provide “out-of-the-box” vantage points from where
I can truthfully ponder my life.

When I feel stuck in any given relationship, the key to getting

out is to find the out-of-the-box vantage points within me
from where I can think and feel clearly—out-of-the-box places
that I have by virtue of present and past out-of-the-box
relationships, experiences, and memories.

16
How Tom and Lou Got Out

What was the out-of-the-box place from where Tom was able to find
1
his way out of the box toward his wife, his son, and his co-workers?
(See pages 140-143.)

What was the out-of-the-box place from where Lou was able to find
2
his way out of the box toward his wife, his son, and his co-workers?
(See pages 121-125.)

17
Staying Out of the Box

Once out of the box, what must I do to stay out? (See pages 126-28
and 144-45.)

18
Debunking a Myth

What is wrong about the idea that staying out of the box requires that we
must always be doing things for others? And why is staying in the box
overwhelming and staying out not? (See pages 145-48.)

19
The Box and How We Get Out of It

1. We get out of the box not by focusing on ourselves but by

responding to others—that is, by receiving the humanity of
those we have been resisting.

2. Responsive relationships and memories give us leverage

to get out of the box in other areas of our lives.

3. Once out of the box, we stay out of the box by doing for
others what we feel we need to do.

20
STUDY GUIDE: LEADERSHIP AND SELF-DECEPTION

HOME- AND
PERSONAL-LIFE
ISSUES

21
My Spousal Relationship

In what ways is my relationship with my partner or significant other similar

to Tom’s relationship with his spouse?

22
Improving it by Applying the Book

How did Tom’s feelings about his partner change and what did he do
that led to the best night he had had in years? What can I learn from this
in my situation?

23
Relationships With Those in My Care

In what ways is my relationship with a son, daughter, or others in my

care similar to Lou’s relationship with his son Cory when Cory was
having trouble?

24
Improving them by Applying the Book

What can I learn from the change that came over Lou when he learned
about this material, conversed by mail with Cory for a few months and then
finally was reunited with him? How can I be more like the later Lou and less
like the earlier one?

25
Where I am Blaming and Colluding

Who in my home and personal life am I blaming and “colluding” with the
way Kate was blaming and colluding with her son Bryan?

26
Improving by Applying the Book

Imagine that nothing has changed in these situations except that I am

1
out of the box. How might my view of these people and what they are
doing change?

2 What might I do differently for and with them?

27
My Box at Home

1 What am I like when I am in the box at home?

2 What effect do I have on others when I am in the box?

28
3 What am I like when I am out of the box at home?

4 What effect do I have on others when I am out?

29
STUDY GUIDE: LEADERSHIP AND SELF-DECEPTION

PROFESSIONAL-
AND WORK-LIFE
ISSUES

30
How Am I Like Tom?

1
Identify ways that I am like Tom in the concerns I have and ways I
work (think of ways I feel anxious, compete with others for attention,
am critical of others, inflate others’ faults, fail to learn others’ names,
and so on).

In what ways have I viewed others I work with as Tom viewed

2
Chuck Staehli?

31
3
If Tom and I followed Bud’s advice (on page 165-66), how would we
be different?

32
How Am I Like Chuck Staehli?

1
Chuck Staehli was a difficult person for Tom and others to work with.
As Tom explained it, Chuck always thought of himself. He accepted
praise that should have been passed to others. He used others. He
took responsibility for things that went well and ducked responsibility
for things that didn’t. He was difficult to work with. In the middle of the
book, Tom realized others in the organization (namely Joyce Mulman—
(see pages 44-47), probably viewed him as a Chuck Staehli type.

On this page, consider ways that I might resemble Chuck Staehli—

both in the ways I work and in my influence on others.

33
2 What could I do to be more like Amos Page or Anita Carlo (see pages
154-58)?

34
How Am I Like Joyce Mulman?

Joyce seems like a well meaning person who didn’t fully consider
others in some of her actions. (She was the one who erased Tom’s
information from the white board—see page 36.)

1 Are there any ways that I perhaps fail to fully consider others in some of
the things I do in my work? What trouble might I be creating for others
as a result?

35
2 What do I need to do about it?

36
How Am I Like Gabe?

Gabe was the fellow in Building 6 who tried to get one of his
coworkers to know that he cared about him by doing behaviorally
nice things for him. The trouble was, as Bud pointed out to him, if you
really don’t care about others, no amount of outwardly “nice” things
will be able to cover up how you really feel. “When you’re going out
of your way to do all those things for Leon so that he’ll know you have
an interest in him,” Bud said to Gabe, “what are you most interested
in—him or his opinion of you?” (See page 26.)

1 In what ways (and toward whom) might I be like Gabe—outwardly

“nice” but inwardly looking out for myself?

37
2 What do I need to do about it?

38
How Am I Like the Old Bud?

When Bud first joined Zagrum, he failed to fully complete all of

his initial responsibilities because he felt that his efforts had been
good enough. He didn’t check with anyone to see if it would be
okay to delay completion of one of the items. Lou then removed the
responsibility Bud had failed to deliver on and gave it to someone
else. This seemed harsh to Bud at first, but Lou’s out-of-the-box way
softened the blow and inspired Bud to be better. (See pages 22–25.)

1 Is there any way that I rest on my laurels at work, telling myself that I
have “done enough”?

39
2 What do I need to do about it?

40
How Am I Like the Old Lou?

Before Lou learned this material, no one was good enough for
him. When he learned about the box he realized that many of his
assessments of others were lies—that is, they were infected by his
own boxes. Having a box that he was the best, knew the most, didn’t
make mistakes, and so on, everywhere he looked he saw people
who were deficient. (Even someone like Kate, whom he reported later,
was as talented and good as anyone on the planet.) His box told him
that any problems in the company must have been caused by others
since “he was the sort of person who should be at the head of a
successful company.” (See pages 126-127.)

1 Like Lou, what self-justifying images might I be carrying that cloud my

judgment and create problems for me and others?

41
2 Consider the change that came over Lou during and after his trip to
Arizona. How can I be more like the humble Lou and less like the self-
justifying one?

42
Where I am Blaming and Colluding

Who in my professional and work life am I blaming and “colluding” with the
way Kate was blaming and colluding with her son Bryan?

43
Improving by Applying the Book

1
Imagine that nothing has changed in these situations except that I am
out of the box. How might my view of these people and what they are
doing change?

2 What might I do differently for and with them?

44
My Box at Work

1 What am I like when I am in the box at work?

2 What effect do I have on others when I am in the box?

45
3 What am I like when I am out of the box at work?

4 What effect do I have on others when I am out?

46
STUDY GUIDE: LEADERSHIP AND SELF-DECEPTION

WORKING ON A
PROBLEM

47
A Problem

Identify a problem you have frequently complained about.

48
How Have I Been in the Box Around It?

1 How have I been in the box related to this problem?

2 How have I inflated the faults of others?

3 How have I inflated my own virtues?

49
4 How have I inflated the importance of issues, values, principles, or
activities that justify my behavior?

5 How have I blamed others? How have I acted and felt toward them?
What blaming thoughts and emotions have I had toward them?

50
How Have I Betrayed Myself Around It?

1 In what ways have I actively betrayed myself around this problem?

2 Are there things I should have done, but didn’t?

3 Are there things I shouldn’t have done, but did?

51
4 Am I carrying self-justifying images that are threatened in this situation?

5 What is the deep truth about my conduct?

52
People Who Have Been Affected

List three people I have negatively affected by being in the box around
this problem.

53
Finding a Way Out of the Box

Focus on one of the people from the prior page and ask myself the
following: What would be appreciated by that person? What help, of
whatever kind, would he or she value?

54
The Key

Whatever I identified on the prior page, go do it. I should

do this immediately if at all possible. If it can’t be done
immediately, do it as soon as I am able.

55
STUDY GUIDE: LEADERSHIP AND SELF-DECEPTION

WORKING ON
RELATIONSHIPS

56
A Case of Collusion

Think of a relationship in my life—either at home or at work—that is

struggling. Then diagram that relationship below.

• Begin by writing my name on the line in the middle of the left-hand box
and then the name of the other person on the line in the middle of the
box on the right.
• Then beneath number 1, write something the other person does that
bothers me when I’m in the box.
• Then beneath number 2, write how I see the other person and the thing
they do when I’m in the box.
• Then beneath number 3, write down the things that I do in response, to
cope with the situation.
• Then beneath number 4, write down how the other person is likely to see
me and what I’m doing when s/he is in the box.
• Then ask myself this question: If they are in the box seeing me in the
ways listed at 4, will they be likely to want to do less or more of number 1
(and other things like it)?

(If the answer is “More,” then this is a “collusion,” and the implication is that
I am inviting the very things I am complaining about in this relationship.)

57
Another Case of Collusion

Most collusion cases are not cases of going into the box in the first instance
through an act of self-betrayal but rather cases of carrying the box forward
over time. Whenever this is the case, it is fueled by the boxes we carry—
by our self-justifying images. (If necessary, review Leadership and Self-
Deception Chapter 13 about self-justifying images.)

For the collusion example on this page, try to identify what self-justifying
images (“I’m the sort of person who…” images) I might be carrying that
might be threatened in this situation and that might therefore explain why
this is such a hot-button (“in-the-box”) situation for me. (Any hot-button
“in-the-box” situation is an indication that I am carrying a box that can be
offended, made defensive, and so on. I can minimize those situations by
getting to the bottom of the self-justifying images that I often carry with me.)

As a first step, a number of possible self-justifying images are listed on

the following page. Consider whether the collusion above could be
explained by one or more of those self-justifying images. If not, try to
articulate a self-justifying image not included on the list that might be
helping to fuel this collusion.

58
After identifying possible self-justifying images, ask this question: How would
my view of this person be different if I wasn’t in the box (i.e., if I wasn’t seeing
from these self-justifying images)? And what might I do differently if I were
seeing in this out-of-the-box way? Then act on what I learn.

I’m the sort of person who:

• Deserves respect • Is fair/just

• Deserves appreciation (…not unfair or unjust)

• Deserves love • Does my share

(or more than my share)
• Deserves the best
• Knows truth and error,
• Is important right and wrong
(or is…not unimportant)
• Is generous
• Doesn’t have time for fools (…not selfish)
• Is professional • Is considerate
(…not unprofessional) (…not inconsiderate)
• Is (uniquely) talented • Is a good spouse
• Is a gifted teacher (…not a poor spouse)
(…not a poor teacher) • Is a good parent
• Is better than… (…not a poor parent)
• Is better than you deserve • Is righteous
• Is smarter than… (…not unrighteous)

• Is indispensable • Is honest
(…not dishonest)
• Is changing the world
• Thinks of others
• Has the right priorities (…not self- centered)
• Knows the answers • Everyone likes
(…not stupid) (…not difficult to like)
• Doesn’t make mistakes • Is kind
(…not careless) (…not unkind)
• Never fails • Has to do everything
(…not a failure)
• Has too much to do
• Is hardworking
(…not lazy) • Is never good enough

• Is responsible • Can’t do anything right

(…not irresponsible) • Is unappreciated
• Is self-made • Is misunderstood
(…not dependent) • Is worthless
• Is well-reasoned • Is overworked
• Is capable • Is overwhelmed
• Is successful • Can’t ever live up to expectations

59
Another Case of Collusion

What self-justifying images (“I’m the sort of person who…” images) might I
have that are threatened in this situation and that might therefore explain
why this is such a hot-button (“in-the-box”) situation for me?

I’m the sort of person who:

After identifying possible self-justifying images, ask this question: How might
my view of this person be different if I wasn’t in the box (i.e., if I wasn’t seeing
from these self-justifying images)? And what might I do differently if I were
seeing in this out-of-the-box way? Then act on what I learn.

60
Another Case of Collusion

What self-justifying images (“I’m the sort of person who…” images) might I
have that are threatened in this situation and that might therefore explain
why this is such a hot-button (“in-the-box”) situation for me?

I’m the sort of person who:

After identifying possible self-justifying images, ask this question: How might
my view of this person be different if I wasn’t in the box (i.e., if I wasn’t seeing
from these self-justifying images)? And what might I do differently if I were
seeing in this out-of-the-box way? Then act on what I learn.

61
How Collusions Spread

One of the ways I get justification in the box is by gathering allies to my

side of a collusion. So I complain to friends, colleagues, and others about
whomever I am locked in collusion with. When these people take up my
side of the collusion, they join me in my collusion against the other. They
become my “allies.”

Everything might seem fine between me and my allies, but we are in the
box together—united against someone else (or some other group) that
we see as an object (or as objects). This relationship between allies is
itself a collusion, but not a collusion between people who are seeing each
other as obstacle-objects but rather a collusion between people who are
seeing each other as vehicle-objects (for the three ways of seeing others
as objects, see page 3 of this study guide). We call these ally-collusions
“vehicular collusions” or “satellite collusions.”

If you doubt the collusive nature of the ally relationship in collusion, just
watch what happens to the relationship when one of the allies tries to join
the “other side.” This is the story of collusions between groups of colleagues
at work, between gangs on the street, and between countries at war.

62
How I Have Gathered Allies and Built Armies

Think back to the collusion cases I have identified earlier, and for each think
about how I might have tried to gather allies to my side of the collusion.

CASE 1

CASE 2

CASE 3

CASE 4

63
STUDY GUIDE: LEADERSHIP AND SELF-DECEPTION

EPILOGUE

64
Impressions

1 What sticks with me the most after reading Leadership and Self-
Deception? What was the most meaningful impression I had while
reading it?

65
2
Do I have any Lauras (Tom’s wife), Todds (Tom’s son) or Corys (Lou’s
son) in my personal life?

3 Do I have any Joyces (the woman Tom blew up at) or Sheryls (the
secretary Tom took for granted) in my work life?

4 Who are the Buds, Kates, and Lous in my life—the people who have
helped and meant so much to me? Do they know what they have
meant to me? Have I told them?

5 What do I need to do?

66
STUDY GUIDE: LEADERSHIP AND SELF-DECEPTION

NEXT STEPS

67
 What’s Next?

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