5 Hacks to Overcome Your Ego

We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work
is the same.”
― Carlos Castaneda

The ego, as Juan Matus describes it, is a dragon with one thousand heads. It is a
destructive, blinding creature that forces us to believe that we are what we are, only
in comparison with others. We spend energy believing this fiction, energy we could be
using to enjoy life. What do you have to do to cut the heads of this dragon, overcome your
ego, and claim your power back?

1. Define your motivation

What drives you to take on a challenge? Most of us, most of the time, are excited to
explore, learn, and sense. As we seek a source of motivation in life we will encounter an
antagonistic fight between our higher self and our ego. The ego will force us to be
motivated by what we achieve and conquer, whereas our higher self wants us to learn,
experience, and live. The big difference between learning-based motivation and
accomplishing-based motivation is that failing to accomplish leads to a crisis of self-
worth. A learning-based motivation is the best way to overcome your ego and your
unreliable accomplishment-based motivation. We can always learn even when we don’t
succeed!

2. Focus on the Process

Life is a process, not a trophy case. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Life is a journey, not
a destination.” When we start acknowledging life and its true essence we will realize that
what really matters is what we experience during life and not its outcomes. In the process
of life we find all the beautiful and unforgettable experiences. We find all the laughter,
tears, kisses and troubles. We find our real passions, interests, and worries. In the process
of life we find all that really makes life meaningful and magical. Our ego will automatically
make us absorb an attitude where all we want is to arrive somewhere and achieve
something. Our ego does not care about the process as long as it achieves and feels
superior. If we follow our ego, we will never enjoy the present moment and all the
adventures we can be part of. If we don’t arrive somewhere or achieve something, our ego
will make us feel useless, demotivated and purposeless. Overcome your ego so you can
enjoy the now, focus on the process.

3. Don’t compare yourself to others

Your ego will always compare yourself with other people. That is its main source of power,
the power that we want to claim back. When we compare our achievements and past
performance with our present, sometimes we fall short. Sometimes we won’t succeed at
something we had previously done or someone else has done. Our ego will punish us and
make us fell inferior and useless. Our self worth will be affected and we won’t have a stable
source of confidence. If we succeed and overcome others, our ego will make us believe we
are superior and invincible, something which is certainly an illusion. Our self worth is
totally subjective and should never be compared to others. This is what the ego wants to
hide from us. We all have a value which is unmeasurable and unredeemable. Not
comparing ourselves does not mean that we will keep a mediocre mentality with no goals.
Not comparing ourselves means that we focus on becoming conscious about ourselves,
destroying our unconscious habits and really knowing what we are made of.

4. Forget the habitual system

We are all part of a system, a big dominating system. But more specifically, we are part of
a reward/punishment system, or as I like to call it, the win-or-lose mindset. Since we were
little babies, we have been always punished when we make mistakes. This continued into
school, high school, university, work and probably even death. Heaven or hell, reward or
punishment? This system is just a way of feeding our ego and completely destroying our
capacity to value ourselves. Our ego will make us feel superior if we win and we will always
expect a reward from our successes. If we lose and fail, our ego will crush us down and
make us feel like an ant in Manhattan. Forget this system and start noticing that we are
not circus animals who need a reward to feel valuable and a punishment to learn. We are
independent beings, fully conscious and aware. We learn through experience. The only
real reward we should look for is the knowledge and power we acquire throughout our
lives.

5. Stop the boastful talk

Occasionally we mention our achievements, adventures and goals in conversation.

Certainly it is a good icebreaker or conversation material but if we want to have dragon
meat for dinner we will have to reshape the way we talk. As we talk with someone, our ego
will automatically measure itself with this someone. As this happens we will start naming
places we went, things we achieved, things we have, stuff we have done, and so on. The
ego will fill all the missing spaces in our talk with personal material, material that
obviously does the job to make us valuable and hopefully awesome and superior. We are
awesome and valuable without the need of telling everybody our achievements, posting
on Facebook, or replying to someone´s brag with our own glorifying speech. By
acknowledging that our achievements are ours, we will notice that what other do does not
really matter. We will obtain personal power and become independent from our ego and
the different opinions about us!
How to (Actually) Change Someone’s Mind
If you’re a leader, it’s likely that not everyone who works with you will agree with the decisions you make — and that’s okay.
Leadership involves making unpopular decisions while navigating complex relationships with colleagues, partners, and clients. But
often, you will need to get buy-in from these constituents, and therefore you will need to convince them to change their mind.

There is little friction involved in convincing people who are your natural supporters. But trying to change the mind of a dissenter, or
a detractor, is a different story. How do you go about convincing someone who, for one reason or another, doesn’t see eye-to-eye
with you? Someone who gives you a flat out “no”?

In the recent research we completed for Laura’s book, Edge: Turning Adversity into Advantage, we observed, and then interviewed,
more than 60 leaders who were trying to convince business associates and other constituents to change their minds on a course of
action that they initially disagreed with. The leaders who were most successful in overcoming others’ skepticism were those who
diagnosed the root of the fundamental disagreement before trying to persuade. They first asked themselves, “What’s driving my
detractor’s resistance?” These leaders often pinpointed which aspects of their arguments elicited the most pushback and the most
emotional reactions. Then, depending on the answer, they approached the situation with one of the following three targeted
strategies.

The Cognitive Conversation

When to use it: The detractor may be opposed to your argument because of an objective reason. If they’ve clearly articulated a
logical set of objections, and they don’t appear to be hiding ulterior motives, approach them with a cognitive conversation. This is
especially useful when the detractor is known to have a no-nonsense attitude and can easily set aside emotions in their decision-
making process.

How it works: A successful cognitive conversation requires two things: sound arguments and good presentation. Take, for example,
a situation where you are pushing to switch suppliers and you’ve found one whose materials and products are superior to the current
supplier, whose products have been causing numerous downstream issues. But your colleague is in favor of sticking with your current
supplier with whom he has a long-standing relationship. He expresses his resistance to your proposal by pointing out the higher
prices the new supplier charges. You want to prepare sound arguments that disprove the detractor’s objections. In this instance, you
might point out that the new supplier is actually less expensive in the long run, when you take into account all the additional
production costs cause by the current supplier. You also want to use a logical framework and clear storyline to force the detractor to
reassess their thinking. For example, you can emphasize that the decision is based on cost, quality, and service, but above all, cost
and quality.

Be cautious about not introducing emotions into the discussion, which could give the impression that you and your detractor are not
on common ground. For example, you don’t want to make it seem as if you believe your colleague’s relationship with the former
supplier is irrelevant. The goal is to show the person that, on an objective and factual basis, their initial stance on the situation isn’t
as reasonable as your argument. Be warned, these detractors are not easily swayed by broad generalizations. Be ready to mentally
spar with them and come prepared with facts that back up each aspect of your overall argument.

The catch: Don’t assume that getting a “yes” from this type of detractor signals a conversion into an everlasting supporter. You may
have persuaded them on this specific issue, but they may disagree with you again in the future. If that’s true, expect to have another
cognitive conversation on that separate argument.

The Champion Conversion

When to use it: When the detractor isn’t easily persuaded through cognitive arguments, or when they harbor a grievance in your
relationship with them, engaging in debates may be futile. Take, for example, a management decision where you’d like to promote
a qualified individual who performed brilliantly under your supervision, but a counterpart of yours argues that your subordinates
often get promoted over hers. Even if your promotion candidate is objectively more deserving, others may still feel resentment and
refuse to provide support.
How it works: Don’t jump in and try to convince the other person. Instead, invest time in personally learning about and building
rapport with them. Here, it’s not about arguments or presentation, at least initially, but understanding their perspective and why
they might feel personally affronted. For instance, you might ask questions about her team, and which team members she feels have
the most potential. Gradually convert this detractor into someone who is your champion or advocate, perhaps by shedding more
light on the qualities that you value in individuals, both on your team as well as your counterpart’s team, or showing how you value
her leadership style. By the time the decision must be made, try to make sure you’re both on the same page as to which qualities
matter for promotion decisions and that you’ve clearly articulated how your candidate exemplifies those qualities.

The catch: No matter how much of a champion the other person becomes, don’t expect them to agree with a decision that’s
fundamentally illogical. You can’t rely on relationship alone; your stance still needs to be backed by clear logic. Additionally, these
types of detractors can easily sense if you’re trying to manipulate the situation to get them on your side. Authenticity is key: allow
the other person to see who you are so that they can more fully understand your point of view.

The Credible Colleague Approach

When to use it: There are times when the detractor’s deeply-held personal beliefs make them fundamentally opposed to your
proposal. Take, for example, a colleague who might disagree with you on the need to run a necessary clinical trial for a new product.
Because they believe that the clinical trial might be harmful in some way or run counter to their values, they oppose the idea, even
though the evidence shows that the benefits outweigh the harm. It’s sometimes tough to pinpoint where these personal beliefs stem
from, but some combination of the person’s upbringing, personal history, and unspoken biases will, at times, make it seemingly
impossible for them to accept a decision, no matter what logical or emotional argument you throw their way. In these situations,
there isn’t much you can say or do to change their mind.

How it works: Rather than trying to argue with someone who seems resistant, bring in a credible colleague. A champion of your
position from another part of the organization, whether they are a peer or superior, may be better-suited to convince this detractor.
This forces the detractor to disentangle who you are from what your argument might be and evaluate the idea based on its objective
merits. If you and the detractor are at an impasse, the credible colleague might just tip the scales in your favor.

The catch: Calling in an external supporter is a double-edged sword. While it can achieve the outcome you want, it may exacerbate
your detractor’s opposition, especially if the detractor feels that the credible colleague has forced them to take your side. It’s critical
to find the right colleague who can tactfully advocate for your position while maintaining a cordial relationship.

It’s not easy to have detractors, and it’s even harder to change their minds. The key is to understand the source of their resistance
and use a targeted strategy that best resonates with your particular detractor. You’ll have a much better chance of getting a “yes.”