Thursday, August 20, 2020

Conversation with Amy

- Pissed off with my mum as I grew up feeling anxious

- I always felt outside of my family. I was exasperating to others and helpless. No

one was coming to save me - it was a fear of death.... I thought I was dying and I
would not be able to get through it

- The fear of the unknown - I cant see it and I don’t understand it. I went back to
feeling like I was a kid again.

- My mum and dad did not make me feel safe - I always felt like I was going to die
and there was no one to help me. They just encouraged me to bottle it up even
more. They would be saying that there is nothing there but I was in trauma and
needed someone to prove to me that I was going to be ok. I just started to piss
them off then. The bargaining I was doing was making me feel more excluded

- It has always been difficult to feel my sexuality because it has always been
surrounded by anxiety and guilt

- Thinking that I had AIDS was feeling like I was going to die. I was going to die and
no one could save me.

-The school gave me some security - someone was paying me some attention

-Sex was a threat

-I never gave myself permission to explore my sexuality. I wanted to close it off.

That is why I worried about sexual disfunction. The lambic system kicked in and
wanted me to not be in a sexual relationship because I would not be able to
explore myself more. Just wants to cancel all sex. Cease being a sexual being

- All of this made me a much more insular person - disorganized anxiety. Can’t do
anything and this just then hurt my self esteem

- Sex/ masturbation was not healthy and more a way of relieving anxiety.

- I didn’t even have friendship for a while

- I felt estranged from my family - I needed them but they were problem solving and
not emotionally supportive

- I just felt awkward around them - don’t know my place. All of this was further
exacerbated in early adulthood.

1
 Thursday, August 20, 2020
- I couldn’t handle anxiety - the game of football. I had to come off the pitch
because of nerves

- I need to be organized and have some focus in the day. This is just making me
feel a lot worse

- The effects of coffee and not getting enough sleep

- Beers the night before - brings on anxiety and that has led to me being very down
on myself — Hiroko and Janne. This is why I am better on one night only

- We all have a possible start with anxiety. All Jews - neurotic mother. I would be
part down. My feelings weren’t really that validated. I was on the bottom rung.

- All fears are the same - they aren’t easy to differentiate

- I have had relationships as a way of getting a foothold in life

- I ran away from my family

- All I wanted was the acknowledgement from my folks but I was never able to get
it past my brother and sister

- Mark kept the dynamic as is