IAN VS DEBATE

A SHORT PLAY

BY

BRYCE SMINK & LEVI BILES

Copyright (c) 2019

 AT CURTAIN
RISE:

SCENE 1: A HIGH SCHOOL DEBATE ROOM. EARLY MORNING.

PARENTS and OTHER STUDENTS sit in chairs toward the back of

a clearly repurposed art room. All of them are watching a
Debate take place. We'll come to know one of these Audience
Members as our lead's older sister -- BETH WELLS (18). Most
of her attention in the scene will be paid to her Brother.

The OPPOSING DEBATE TEAM sits at the their table, smug looks
on their faces. We'll never know their names, but we'll hate
them for no reason all the same. So will our lead. Speaking
of--

At the other Table sits TWO DEBATERS -- One of these

debaters is our lead. We will come to know him as IAN WELLS
(16). He's boyishly handsome, well dressed, and is currently
panicking.

Ian sits nervously in his seat, biting his nails. His fellow
debater (someone we'll never meet properly), is fast asleep
in his chair.

At a table in the front of the room is LADY CHAIRMEN. From

the look on her face -- She's totally not into doing this
job. She clears her throat and speaks:

LADY CHAIRMEN
You may begin, Mister Wells...

Ian stops biting his nails and rises from his seat. He
stands, a semi-confident smile on his face. But under his
mask of confidence is an underlying sense of panic and
anxiety. A beat. He clears his throat and begins:
IAN
(to Lady Chairmen)
Good morning, Madam Chairman,
distinguished guests, teachers and
students. The topic of our debate
is... Well... Is golf a sport? It's a
really simple question really, but
has never been fully answered.
(pause; then)
As a member of the affirmative team,
I would like to share some details
that you might find very
interesting...
(MORE)
 2.

IAN (cont'd)
Let me begin by saying this: Golf in
the United States is a $70 billion
annual industry with over 24.1
million players. Shocking, I know,
but a 2016 poll by Public Policy
Polling found that nineteen percent
of all Americans call themselves golf
fans, "Golfers"... This is down from
the twenty-three percent in 2015.
(pause)
Debate over whether or not golf is a
sport wages on the internet, social
media, in bars, among school
cafeterias, and even on the golf
course itself...
(waits for gasps;
none come)
I know, I know...
(then)
So... What exactly does that mean?
Well, after a week of painstaking
research, I have found that most golf
players--

LADY CHAIRMEN
Time...
(to opposing team)
Uh, please state your opening
argument.

Ian has been stopped dead in his tracks. A stunned beat.

IAN
I'm sorry-- I wasn't finished...
LADY CHAIRMEN
Times up. You can sit down, Mister
Wells.

IAN
Wait-- I got like a whole other
paragraph that I haven't said yet. I
haven't even finished my hook--

LADY CHAIRMEN
I'm afraid that doesn't matter,
Mister Wells. You went over time.
That means your time is up. Now,
please sit down.
(to Opposing team)
Please begin...

Ian stands for a moment -- doesn't know what to say -- Then:

 3.

IAN
(a little too loud)
Well, that's a bunch of bullcrap.

Some hushed gasps from the audience. Beth gives a little

chuckle. Lady Chairmen stares in disbelief: the nerve of
this little brat. After a moment, she collect her thoughts--
LADY CHAIRMEN
Mister Wells-- If you want to
disrespect my authority--!

IAN
(back peddling hard)
I'm sorry-- It slipped out-- Sorry--
I'm sorry-- Please-- I was just--

LADY CHAIRMEN
You have absolutely NO right to say
that to me-- And all these people,
Mister Wells--!

IAN
I-- God, Mam-- I-- I didn't mean
that-- Please-- I just wanted to
finish my debate--

LADY CHAIRMEN
That opportunity is out the window--
Just sit down please!

IAN
Look-- I didn't mean to-- I'm sorry--
Please, just let me finish and I'll
stop-- Please--
LADY CHAIRMEN
(explodes)
SIT DOWN!!!

Silence in the room. Ian stands stationary for a second. He

feels awful. We can just feel his embarrassment. A beat.

Distraught and not knowing what to do, Ian sits down in his
chair. He sits in utter silence and embarrassment. His eyes
to the floor.

The audience exchanges murmurs: "This kids insane" "What's

wrong with him?" "Somebody needs their ass whooped" "Did he
win?" "Got to say: Pretty bad ass" "Probably has problems".
 4.

All murmur except for Beth. She watches her brother. She
feel bad for him. Who wouldn't? She slowly and silently
claps for him. No one notices. Not even Ian. A beat later--

The Opposing team begins their Debate.

END OF SCENE 1.

SCENE 2: HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE FIRST DEBATE ROOM. LATER.

It's post debate. PARENTS linger about the hallway. The

Opposing team talk among themselves. Probably talking about
their easy victory. Heads turn and people grow silent when--

Ian and Beth walk out of the debate room.

Parents and the Opposing team linger for a moment longer

before nonchalantly walking out of the hallway. A beat.

Once Ian and Beth are alone--

IAN
It's official. They hated me.

BETH
They did not hate you, Ian.
IAN
They did hate me. That stupid Chair
lady or whatever hated my guts and I
know it. You should of seen the look
on her face from the beginning. You
could just tell that she hated me. It
was in her eyes. I saw it. She was
just waiting for me to slip up so she
drive face into the freaking dirt. It
was completely unfair, Beth.

BETH
Uh huh.

IAN
You know what-- You know what I saw?
BETH
What would that be?

IAN
When you dropped me off, I saw the
Chairmen getting out of her car.
You'll never guess what she had on
her bumper.
 5.

BETH
What is it, Ian?

IAN
A Fischer High School Debate Team
sticker. I could tell because of the
Blue/Yellow color scheme. Unfair! As
a Chairmen, you can't have personal
bias. That's in the handbook. You
should know, you were in debate for
what-- three years?

BETH
Four years.
(beat)
Ian. You called the Chairmen out on
her bullcrap. She has every right to
be a little bad. You're just upset
because you lost, which, to be
honest, is completely reasonable.

IAN
Okay, I understand the calling out
the bullcrap to an almost senile old
lady would make me lose points
considerably. Trust me, I understand.
But my speech-- I mean, come on-- I
was pretty good, right? She had no
right to just cut me off like that.
Especially before I finish my hook. I
mean-- She acted like my Debate
sucked. Which, to honest, I don't
think is so. I worked for weeks on
that speech. I thought it was pretty
damn good to tell you the truth.

BETH
(iffy on it)
Ehhhhhh.

IAN
What? You didn't think it sucked did
you?

From the look on Beth's face: Yeah. Yeah it kinda did.

IAN (cont'd)
(disappointed)
Oh...

Ian sits down against the rows of lockers. He sighs. A beat.

 6.

BETH
Okay look-- I can't say for sure that
your Debate sucked, but it could
definitely use some work and time.
Okay? Please don't pout around
because you lost a stupid debate.

IAN
Debates aren't stupid.

Beth sighs. After a moment, she sits down next to Ian.

BETH
Can I let you in on a little secret,
Ian?

IAN
Sure.

BETH
Okay but you have to lean closer.
It's a secret that only me and you
can know.

Ian leans close.

BETH (cont'd)
No, no, closer.

Ian goes a little closer.

BETH (cont'd)
No-- Closer.

IAN
Any closer and this interaction will
get a lot more 14Th century monarch.

BETH
That's gross, Ian. Stop it. Just a
little closer.

Ian gets to where Beth's mouth is an inch away from his ear.
After a moment, Beth SCREAMS--
BETH (cont'd)
Debate is completely useless!!!

Ian covers his ear. Beth laughs.

IAN
Why the hell did you do that?
 7.

BETH
So you can get it through you thick
skull. Stop taking this Debate thing
soooo seriously, okay? Nobody cares.
And judging by your skills now, you
should just go ahead and quit. I
quit. All your friends quit. Dude--
Help me save money on gas from
driving your butt up here every week.

IAN
(rubbing his ear)
OK. I got it. Just don't scream in my
ear please.

Beth chuckles a bit. She checks her watch. Shit...

BETH
(standing up)
Oh man, I'm going to be late. Got to
go. Ian, good luck with the Debate.

IAN
(smiling; thinking
it's a joke)
Good luck with the debate? I already
did the Debate, Beth. I thought we
were going home after this?

BETH
Dude, did you forget? You have a
second debate in, like, an hour.

Ian jolts up from his seated position. His eyes go WIDE AS

SHIT. He begins pacing and Talking to himself as Beth says:
BETH (cont'd)
Yeah, the one in like an hour. The
one about, uh-- What's it-- Uh... I
don't remember. Might of been free
choice. But don't quote me on that.

IAN
(while pacing)
Crap! What the ffff-- I mean... Crap!
That was today? Ohmygod--

BETH
(over Ian's "cursing")
Mom ain't here. You can curse. I mean
it didn't stop you around the
Chairmen and look what happened.
 8.

Ian stops pacing and turns to face Beth -- panicked:

IAN
I don't have a second Debate
prepared. What the hell am I supposed
to do?

Beth takes a moment, then:

BETH
I don't know. Make one up.

IAN
Make on up?

BETH
Yeah. You're creative. I mean, I
couldn't be any worse from the last
one.

IAN
But I thought you said it wasn't bad.

BETH
It was a joke, Ian. I'm sure it'll be
good. Just breath.
(Ian does)
Good. You can come up with something
on the spot. It's like inprov.

IAN
I failed inprov class.

BETH
(tired of his crap)
Just inprov the stupid debate, Ian.

Ian takes a few deep breaths, then:

IAN
Okay, I'll try it.

BETH
Awesome. I got to go. Good luck.

And with that, Beth is gone. Ian stands alone for a moment.
Then, to himself:
IAN
Crap...

END OF SCENE 2.
 9.

SCENE 3: HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE SECOND DEBATE ROOM. PRE-DEBATE.

MAIA (16), a sweet-looking girl enters the hallway. She is

encumbered by her Debate supplies. She stumbles around a bit
before placing her supplies down on the ground next to door
that reads: 1237. She sits down against the wall next to her
supplies. She pulls out a DEBATE TEXTBOOK from her backpack.
She begins reading. That's when Ian stumbles in. He looks
around for the room number -- Clocking the "1237" on the
nearby door. He nods and takes his place, sitting on the
opposite wall from Maia. He takes out a NOTEBOOK from his
bag. He begins to silently brain storm, write something
down, think what he just wrote was a horrible idea and,
crumple the paper, throwing it. Think. Write. No. Throw.

Maia glances Ian's way a few times, seeing hims struggle.

Ian rips out another piece of paper. A Moment later--
MAIA
(re: his behavior)
Freshmen?

IAN
(not looking at her)
What? No.

MAIA
Eighth Grade?

IAN
Sophomore.

MAIA
Oh.
(beat)
I just thought because-- Ya know...?
(then--blanching)
Are you not prepared or something? Oh
wait, you're new ain't you. Because a
lot of newbies think that winging it
helps, but it really doesn't... Like
I tried it once when I was a newbie--
IAN
(to shut her up)
Not a newbie.

MAIA
Oh okay. I was just asking because my
younger sister -- Harper -- She just
joined two weeks ago. I was helping
her out because her first debate--
 10.

IAN
That's real interesting, but can you
please just shut up, I'm trying to
write a debate that will blow the
chairman out of his stupid seat...

Maia recoils, almost hurt. Ian realizes what he said. He

stops writing stuff down. He rubs his eyes, exhausted. Then:
IAN (cont'd)
(beat; afterthought)
I'm sorry, I thought it would sound
nicer in my head.
(almost to himself)
Ohmygod-- I think this thing is just
going to drive me insane until I
finally finish it...

Ian lowers his head. She feels for him. She's been there.
MAIA
Well, maybe I can help. What's your
Debate about? We could start from
there.

A beat.
IAN
How would you help me? No offense,
but you don't strike me as a Debate
Team professional.

MAIA
Wrong of you to assume, but I just so
happen to be a state champion.
IAN
(scoffs a little)
In what?

MAIA
(beat)
Ping-Pong. Doesn't-- It Doesn't
matter, just tell me your topic.

A beat.
 11.

IAN
That's the thing, I don't have one. I
mean, I want to do something original
and that has meaning behind it or
whatever, but I end up, like, second
guessing myself, then looking up
template debates on Wikipedia. It's
stupid, I know...

MAIA
I can relate...
(beat; off Ian's look)
I mean, my speech for today is about
polar ice caps melting. Very
original, I know, but...
(beat; thinking it
over)
Like, to be honest, I hate doing
debate. It's stupid, it's a waste of
my weekends, and the chairmen are a
bunch of idiots who don't know what
the hell they're doing most of the
time. Did I mention the debates are
boring as crap? Because they are. Oh!
Don't even get me started on the time
schedules. What human would make
other humans, students at that, get
up at 8 A.M. in the morning to
deliver a debate about recycling or
sea piracy in the Middle East... God,
it should be shut down for all I
care...
(realizing something)
But... I have found the one, no, dare
I say, the only reason to join the
debate team...
(beat)
College credit. And you best believe
this girl's got it... So, write
whatever speech that comes to your
head. You know what? Write it about
how that one female chairman who's a
complete and utter jerk. Maybe it'll
knock some sense into her...

Maia's attention falls back to her Textbook. Silence. Ian

just watches her. He takes a moment think something over.
IAN
(meek)
Thank you for sharing that. That was
very long, but I'll keep that in
mind. Stuff to know, ya know. Thanks.
 12.

Maia ignores him -- But a smiles is seen on her face.

It's clear from Ian's face -- Something inside him has

changed. For the worse? Or for the better? We'll never know.
END OF SCENE 3.

SCENE 4: THE SECOND DEBATE ROOM. LATER.

Maia sits at her table. Parents and Students are gathered in

the audience. The scene is strikingly similar to scene 1,
say for Maia being there and the absence of Beth and... Ian?
The table next to Maia's is empty. A name tag is place on
top of the table. It reads: Wells. This will be brought up
soon enough.

The MALE CHAIRMEN writes something down on a piece of paper.

After a moment, he lifts his head and says:
MALE CHAIRMEN
Uh, Opposing team, please begin your
opening statement.

Maia stands, clears her throat and begins her Debate:

MAIA
Good afternoon, Mister Chairman. The
topic of my debate shall be, are the
polar ice caps really melting or is
it a trick by the government to
brainwash us into--

MALE CHAIRMEN
Sorry, uh-- Wait a minute-- Where's
the other team?

Maia turn to see the other table. She notices something...

MAIA
Uh, there's a note on the table.
Should I...?

MALE CHAIRMEN
Yes, yes, please.

Maia grabs the note from the table. She reads it out loud:
MAIA
(to Chairmen)
It says "I Quit." Oh, and "P.S.
Debate can go... fuck itself..."
 13.

A long and silent beat. The audience is stunned. After the

long silence, the Male Chairmen say:
MALE CHAIRMEN
Welp. It's not the first time this
has happened. Debate is postponed.

Parents rise from their seat and leave. Maia stands for a
second -- Shocked and stunned -- Then -- She subtly smirks.
MAIA
Alright. Awesome.

END OF SCENE 4.

SCENE 5: HALLWAY LEADING OUTSIDE. MEANWHILE.

Ian, a crazed look in his eye, dumps his debate supplies

into the nearby trash can. After there gone, that's when--

Beth enters. She walks and texts and she doesn't notice--

Ian running at her. He's excited. Probably adrenaline. He

makes a beeline for Beth -- Or more than likely -- the door.

Beth looks up to see him. She looks confused.

BETH
What are you doing? The Debate's
already started, dude--

Ian hugs her. Beth seems a little stunned by Ian's

affection. Who is this kid? She smiles and pats him on the
back.
BETH (cont'd)
Oh. Hi. Aren't you supposed to be
doing your debate right now?

IAN
Beth-- It's great news.

BETH
Okay. What's that great news?

IAN
I quit.

BETH
You quit what?
 14.

IAN
I quit Debate. I took a page from
your book. You were right-- this
whole thing-- God, It's nuts. I
should of left ages ago.

Beth smiles/laughs.
BETH
Finally coming to your senses, Little
brother? See what I mean though?
Completely useless!

IAN
I know, I know. Now, uh-- Lets get
the hell out of here.

BETH
Wait-- We can stay and talk a bit.
There's no rush.

IAN
(beat)
Nah. I said the f-word in my
resignation letter. I think the might
call security on me or something.

BETH
Oh. Okay. Uh, let's go then.

Beth smiles and leaves. Ian looks around, admiring. He takes

a sigh of relief. He's a new man. He chuckles to himself.
IAN
God-- What a waste of a weekend.

And with that, Ian's gone. CURTAIN FALLS. THE END.

15.