The Diddlers Digest Issue 10

20/01/2021

Bringing you more stoat news and boat checks than NANNERS ever could

Despite declaring in our last issue that our sack was empty, and
we could continue no more, here we are again. Turns out we lied
to you. Sorry not sorry. This week we’re bringing you our
Christmas and New Year edition all rolled into one and issued
after both festivals are over. Classic Digest. Do we feel bad
about this tardiness? No, of course not. We celebrate whenever
we choose and will not be dictated to by convention. We’d love
to tell you that this week’s edition is packed full of festive
fun, but it isn’t. It’s mostly pictures of stoats and stoat
related news.

Nanjingle Bells: Well, I never!!!

As mentioned before, it was
Christmas recently so in a vein
attempt to show we’re
interested in anything that’s
going on, here’s a photo of 2
Chinese people in Christmas
hats. One of them is wearing
slippers too.
Did you know that Chinese
people don’t celebrate
Christmas?
What’s wrong with them, you may
be asking yourself?
Don’t be alarmed, in different
countries they have different
festivals with different names.
In China Christmas is called
Chinese New Year and is
celebrated when the moon
decides the time is right.

Digital penetration: After the

success of our new web link
that was featured in the last
Digest (more than 25 views and 2 likes, unbelievable!) we’ve decided
to go live with another link: https://youtu.be/3ng48OTwIhs
This one’s for all our diehard supporters out there. We love you,
in a very real and sexual way. Please keep clicking. For every one
click we receive we’ve decided to donate one piece of new,
roasting hot content to NANNERS.
Can’t help falling in glove… It has recently come to our attention that a
‘Nanexinger-nojinger-nomore’ (an old expat
phrase for someone who used to live in
Nanjing but now doesn’t) has started
wearing one of those ridiculous 3 fingered
gloves to play pool. What a wanker!

Stoatal Eclipse of the Heart! If you have been

living under a rock for the past few
weeks or you don’t know how to open a pdf
then you might have missed the latest
phenomenon that’s taken the Nanjing expat
community by storm. Stoat fever has
gripped the city!
Sightings of these cheeky little devils
have been reported far and wide across
the city leaving some readers to question
are they even real???
Here at the Digest we’ve been bombarded
with questions (1) about these curious
critters, so it would be remiss of us not to give them a mention.
Some readers (1) have even asked us; ‘What is a stoat?’. The short
answer is; no one really knows. In spite of this, we’ve been
receiving sightings of stoats from around the world from our keen-
eyed international readers.

This stoat had made it A stoat high up in Even as far as India a

all the way to the Rocky mountains. stoat was pictured
Egegypet. Majestic. drinking poo water.
It would seem that the stoat has an incredible geographic range in
addition to staggering morphological diversity. What a creature! We
absolutely love them here at the DD so keep sending us your stoat
pics and news from wherever you may be.

Situation Normal… From stoats to boats, our

readers have been keeping us abreast
(abreast definition: 1. informed
2.singular of boobs) of river traffic
across the city and from around the world.
We’re delighted to report that the
situation remains normal. Updates to come.
Dear Digest: Letters from our readers. Finally, your questions
have been answered...
“Dear Digest, Is there a hotline I can call to report changes in
boat action” ~ Laurence. G. Harris
Yes Laurie, take a look in your contacts, find your own number and
give yourself a call if you see anything worthy of reporting.
“Dear Digest, If I see a stoat in the wild should I approach the
beast?” ~ David Attenborough
Hi David, thanks for getting in touch. We would strongly advise
against any human-stoat contact, especially if there are young
children around. From our research they appear to be one of the
most unpredictable animals on the planet.
“Dear Digest, Is it true that the next Jurassic Park movie will be
filmed in Nanjing?” ~ Anonymous
No, it’s not true.

‘On the floor’ taste: It is with

sadness and disgust that we
have to report an incident of
horrendous racism by a rival
Nanjing expat newsletter
(which shall remain nameless
out of respect to the
innocent victims of this hate
crime). The ‘editor’ of this
usually factually sound
publication made the grave
error of advertising an event
entitled ‘Pen & Ink’. Those
of us well versed in cockney
rhyming slang were instantly shocked and appalled that the well-
established newsletter would dare to allude to the socially outlawed
word ‘chink’ in the very country whose people it is so callously used
in reference to.
An innocent mistake or deliberate stab in the eye to their gracious
hosts? We can only speculate that it’s the latter. We, for one, will
be boycotting the publication (until we need new material).

For sale – Classified ads: Surprisingly, this

junk remains unsold. Not even the NAMBLA
museum would take it this time.
In an effort to drum up more interest
and weed out ‘lower class’ clientele the
price of each item has been doubled from
its original offer.
You all know who to call and who knows,
some of these items may still contain
vital DNA evidence that could be used in
future sex crime trials, making them a
potentially savvy purchase and possible
collectors' items.
 EXTRA SPECIAL FEATURE
A Legend Returns…
If you’re religious then thank God, if you’re an atheist then
thank the universe, if you’re a conspiracy theorist then thank
the Bilderberg Group. Whoever is responsible, we owe you a
debt of gratitude. Rodney’s back – and he’s balder than ever
(just kidding, we all know that Rodney’s baldness is a
universal constant), but back he most definitely is.
We’ve been genuinely worried about the city’s favorite crack
pot as recent sightings have been few and far between, but we
can all breathe easy once again as PBC is quite literally back
in business.
Just when we thought it was all over for the business
behemoth, he’s pulled the classic Rodders switcheroo and
landed himself another factory tour gig.
Even though he’s cold, like a true
professional, he soldiers on to take
us deep into the world of grill
manufacturing.
2020 has been hard on all of us so
this all-encompassing exposé on how
the humble grill is made is truly a
gift to humanity. If you can stomach
watching the whole thing, you’ll be
treated to some hard-hitting
reporting with cutthroat questions
such as: “What’s this for?” and “What
are these, like the steps, the steps
for checking?”. At one point the
ultimate showman even treats
viewers to an impression of a man
receiving an electric shock.
Compelling.
The video also features shots of
Rodney; walking, looking at things,
looking at things and pointing,
being bald. If you love both Rodney
and grills, then this video is
perfect for you. Check it out and
give it a thumbs down from us… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v
=LEb9DyV0JFA&ab_channel=Chinese
This just in… FactoryTour
It turns out that once again we have
been the victim of our own slack
Finished!
That’s all we’ve got, we’d
journalism. The video isn’t new at
like to leave you with one
all, it was recorded over a year
final thought…
ago. That means that Ro-Didley could
be out there begging for work or
money from passers by. Help us find
COCK
Until next time Diddlers…
him, then call him a cunt!