The Diddlers Digest Issue 6

01/01/01
(Probably, at this
The vinegar strokes of NJ expat news – bringing you ever point does it
closer to satisfaction really matter?)

After such a long absence, never has a Digest been more needed
than right now. Why the long break you ask? It’s more complex
than you might think. Could be the unending pandemic? Could be
the ceaseless issues of NANNERS, flaccidly slapping us in the
face each week, slowly sapping our tenacity for cutthroat
journalism? Could be that our ferocious desire to provide
Nanjing expat-based counter content has been suppressed by
external forces of evil (the NJ Rotary Club)? In actuality, it’s
none of the above, it comes down to pure and simple laziness
combined with contempt for both ourselves and you the reader.
Introductory bullshitting aside, we’ve finally ‘splinted’
ourselves hard to once again penetrate the Nanjing zeitgeist, so
ready yourselves for what might be our final splurge into the
crusty sock of Nanjing expat life.

Additional note from the editor: Nanji

We make no apologies See! We couldn’t even be
whatsoever for the general bothered to finish writing the
theme of this issue, which, if name of our favorite city.
it hasn’t already, will become Here’s a picture, now shut up.
glaringly obvious as you
continue to read. Our thoughts
being, if our main rival
publication has all but given
up providing content or even
finishing articles then why
should we bother. Essentially
what we’re saying is, this is
your fault Laurie, and our
hands are tied.

I’ve Look. It’s snowing. When it’s

brought snowing in Nanjing that means
this on
myself! its winter.

Diddling in the 21st century:

Many said it couldn’t be done,
but fuck the ‘many’ we’ve
finally joined the modern world.
One of our long-term
contributors has made us what we
believe is called a link.
You can now find our new ‘online presence’ by clicking
the following… https://youtu.be/3ng48OTwIhs Please let
us know what you think of our new digital diddling by
sending us a letter or giving us a phone call.
 Cumdrum! Personally, we’ve grown tired of seeing posts about donating
blood. Are you also sick of seeing these ‘do-gooders’ constantly
pedaling their vampiric virtue signals in our most beloved online
forums? We’re assuming that’s a yes. In which case the Diddler is
starting its own ‘fluid’ donation campaign, and you guessed it, we’re
not looking for blood.
Gentlemen of Nanjing it’s time to do
your bit for society and share some of
that ‘baby batter’ you’ve been wasting
on the carpet or curtains.
Traditional blood drives usually have
a van or some kind of clinic to visit
and our ‘man milk marathon’ is no
different. However, due to the Covid-
19 pandemic our go-to cum repository
is no longer available – it appears
she has left the city. Fear not
though, you can still help in these
trying times, just jizz in a cup
and/or paper bag (no plastic please –
think of the environment people, for
fucks sake!) and pop it in the freezer
for later.
Not everyone has the luxury of having
a half Chinese/half foreign baby so
please help those in need.
Fuck Off! Ladies, you can do your part too, we
know you can’t donate but in order to
support our cause you can bang a Chinese fella. Every little helps.

For sale – Classified ads: • Spots in Bill’s sex art cult are up for grabs!
Participants must be: artistic, ‘malleable’
and preferably psychologically damaged. No
underwear allowed! Look for Bill anywhere
around the city, he’s easy to see as he’s
usually stripping off in an artistic way.
Lifetime memberships are now free!
• Shares in Diddlers Digest. We’re looking for
investors, or preferably a hostile takeover
from one of the big business players in NJ.
How much for the whole enterprise? Whatever Laurie wanted for the
Bluesky Brand x 2, so probably around 4,000,000,000 RMB. Potential
owners must have spite in their hearts and too
much time on their hands.
Buy us! Embrace
spite journalism
at its purest

• We’ve heard that Rodney is looking to hire a PR

manager. For some reason, the Ro Dodler’s public
image is at an all-time low. Salary will be paid
in crackers, bitcoins and exclusive access to
the latest ‘hot takes’ (conspiracy theories) on
how the world actually works.
Barry on my wayward son…. From ‘Manilow’ to ‘White’ and everything in
between, we here at the
Digest absolutely adore
Barry! We just can’t get
enough of ‘em. We’d like
to hear which is your
favorite Barry? Could be a
legendary singer, a
cousin, or just a chance
meeting with a Barry you’d
never met before, we don’t
care. We judge all Barrys
equally and appreciate
their unique contributions to society. If you’re one of the truly
unfortunate among us that doesn’t have a special Barry in your life,
then contact our helpline immediately on 0775-644-BARRY.

A tribute to a true pioneer: Every now and

then in our lives it is important to
stop and think about the people who
have paved the way to greatness, in
whatever field of expertise that may
be. As you know, at the Diddler,
we’ve always reserved a special
place in our pages for the sex pests
of Nanjing. Like moths to a flame,
sex offenders of all shapes and
sizes are drawn to the Nanjing
English teaching sector, but if
you’re in the recently dubbed ‘paedo
new wave’ of horrible fuckers that
have come here to exploit your
whiteness and use your ‘native
ability’ to do the dirty whilst on
the job you should be aware. It’s a
path that was trodden by a sinister sensei, long before your arrival.
For the unenlightened among us, we are of course talking about the
OG of student diddlers, a man from which this very publication owes
its name, the one, the only, DIDDLIN’ D.O. Daniel Otero. A master
craftsman at the art of the diddle, flying under the radar for
years, a true professional. Now somewhat of a mythical figure in
the annals of Nanjing’s proud pervert history, here’s what you need
to know about the maestro of molestation:
• May or may not have been a military sniper
• May or may not have asthma
• May or may not be a published author
• Definitely got fired from a prominent Nanjing university for
sexual harassment
• Current status: At large
• Whereabouts unknown
 EXTRA SPECIAL FEATURE
Akin to a mountaineer reaching the summit of an unconquered
peak or a fat person polishing off the last donut of a 24
pack, the trials and tribulations they faced along the way
drift into insignificance as victory approaches. Similarly,
feel free to dismiss the previous 3 pages of poorly
constructed and ill-thought-out nonsense, as in our humble
opinion we feel that we we’ve reached the zenith of Nanjing
expat-based investigative journalism. Our magnum opus if you
will, the culmination of dedication, foresight and boldness,
hitherto never witnessed in the Nanjing Expat Newsletter
scene. It is with immense pride and great fanfare that we
introduce to you…
A winners guide to life: A day in the life of Nanjing's most
prolific doer of businessness!
We sent an undercover reporter, disguised as an unadopted pet
(for the purposes on anonymity we will name neither the
reporter nor the animal) to infiltrate Nanjing’s business
emperor and give us a snapshot of an average day in the life
of the Novas/NANNERS numero uno – Laurie.
What you’re about to read is a full breakdown of how the
corporate elites operate, offering previously unseen insights
into the path to city wide business domination.
07.00 – Wakes up, immediately
takes picture of himself, looks at
it, then tries to make others look
at it.
07.30 – Breakfast: Either a frozen
pie left over from the old Bluesky
stocks (738 remaining, all still
as bad as the day they were made
4-6 years ago) or dry cereal
pecked from his hand like a bird.
Hand pecked cereal both reduces
water waste from washing up the
bowl and also saves time for doing
successful business things.
08.00 – Heads to the office,
cranks on the Commodore Amiga 1000
or ‘The Main Frame’ as he calls
it. Whilst the computer is warming
up he conducts the first boat
check of the day – situation
normal.
08.30 – Brainstorm a new way to
make people feel shitty about how
they’re not doing as much as him
to save the environment.
(side note: our reporter noted a
somber wave of depressive guilt
flow over him at this moment. We
can only speculate it’s because of
all the dolphin blow holes he’s
clogged from Bluesky plastic
straws)
09.00 – Boat check: situation still
normal.
10.00 – Watched YouTube tutorial on
how to create space between pictures and text on the Commodore’s word
processor. Practiced a few times, failed, gave up.
12.00 – Boat check: Possible movement, can’t be sure.
12.30 – Tried to ask Jeeves to find pictures of animals to use in
NANNERS. Realized Jeeves is no longer taking requests so calls his
wife to send him some.
13.00 – Lunch: One ‘slow-boiled’ egg, sun cooked over 24 hours in a
glass of water on the office windowsill. Saves money and the
environment – another win!
13.30 – Boat check: A flurry of excitement
ensues as he yells out “fucking hell! It’s
definitely moved”.
14.00 – TROLL hunt. Searches through his
Wechat empire and boots anyone not
perceived to be toeing the line.
14,30 – NANNERS/Novas advertising blast.
Once all groups are safe from TROLLS, the
same advert can be posted across all 1,000
groups.
14.45 – Adds new egg to windowsill glass
for tomorrows lunch. No water change
required for environmental reasons.
15.00 – Boat check: Situation back to
normal.
15.30 – A cockroach has crawled through a
hole in the office wall. He watches it for 10-15 minutes, offers it
some leftover Bluesky pie, after it refuses, he tries to get it
adopted by using a picture of a better cockroach.
16.00 – Gets on the landline to call the internet company to check
connection. No NANNERS or Novas emails have come through so there
must be a tech fault.
16.30 – Reads old copy of The Nanjinger for new NANNERS content.
17.00 – Final boat check: Situation normal.
18.00 – Another successful day in the can. Walks
home, spits on the window of a McDonalds, seemingly
for 2 reasons. A) Their persistent damaging of the
environment. B) Resentment at their refusal to join
the other business big wigs at the Nanjing Rotary.
19.00 – 20.00 – Remembering the past.
20.00 – 21.00 – Fearing the future.
21.00 – Dinner: A small bowl of sand with some
fries made of wastepaper from the office.
21.30 – Bed: Drifts blissfully to sleep safe in the
knowledge that another day of hard-hitting business
is over. But is it…
00.30 – He wakes up, with no alarm,
almost as if he hadn’t been
sleeping at all (probably just
lying there with his eyes closed
thinking about the past again).
Tiptoes out of bed, quietly dons a
ski mask, black turtleneck sweater
and a pair of denim cut-offs so
short that both testicles are
clearly visible. Checks out the
window that no one is around. When
the coast is clear he silently
heads out in the direction of the
nearest canal, carrying a bag of
what appears to be the week’s
unadopted pets. (don’t worry
readers – no cats and dogs were
present it seemed to be mainly;
worms, snails, flies, a dead bird
and a few turds). Upon reaching the
water’s edge he briefly stares at
the green shimmering hue in the
moonlight before shouting at the
top of his lungs “Adopt this –
Motherfucker!”. He heaves the sack
into the cold, murky waters and
takes one final selfie.
That folks, is the way to win at life. If you can follow even a few
of the daily activities of Nanjing’s busiest business bastard, then
you too can succeed. The world of fake consulting companies and 3 rd
rate expat newsletters awaits you!

Health tip: Drink hot water and don’t be a cunt! Drinking hot water can
both cure and prevent a myriad of
real and mythical illnesses. Not
being a cunt will help you avoid
physical damage to your body
inflicted upon you by others.

Over and out, dick bags!

It is with great joy and zero
remorse that we can report that this
will be the last edition of the
Digest. The experience has been
deeply unpleasant, downright
traumatizing and an enormous waste
of time for both our staff and you
RICE the readers.
5G – Crackers – AugUmented –
Suitcases – Covid19 – Dick – Look
behind the curtain – 1984 – Reality –
Bitcoins – Wikipedia – Failure –
Saying that, we’ll probably be back
Baldness – Bill Gates – The
Illuminati – Ex Wives – Dick – Mass
Media Control – English Teaching –
Rice – Rice – Rice – Rice - Rice
to do a Christmas special (will we
fuck!) or if Rodney ever becomes
RICE
president of anywhere or anything.
Bye.