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AITA for not telling my sister that the child she thinks is her nephew
isn’t my child because I kept the paternity a secret?

I have five siblings and we are not super close but we have an okay relationship. We try
and keep in touch but we live in different cities. My oldest sister and I have never had a
good relationship so we just agree to be nice to each other but keep our distance.
Some background is necessary for this story…about 5 years ago, I found out my long
term girlfriend of three years was cheating on me and knocked up with another man’s
child. I didn’t tell anyone in my family at the time because I was trying to process this
betrayal and a number of other problems in our relationship. We never got married and
I left the relationship before the child was born.
Well, she gave birth and for some reason would not stop telling anyone that would
listen that I ran away from my responsibilities. Now, anyone who knows me, knows I
wouldn’t leave without a very good reason but my oldest sister is a different story.
My sister has always been someone who can’t stay out of other people’s business. She
frequently attacks me and says all kinds of messed-up things about me in public. Once
she heard about my break-up, she pretty much went No Contact with me for
abandoning my girlfriend and my child… Who is not my biological child by the way… and
criticized the rest of my immediate family for not forcing me to step-up and be a
responsible father.
Truthfully, I wanted to keep this betrayal on the down-low because I was embarrassed
and ashamed that my girlfriend got pregnant with someone else’s child but slowly, over
the years, I started to tell the rest of my family what really happened. They would
always ask me how long I planned to keep this a secret…the secret being that this child
is not my biological child…but I just shrugged it off.
Recently, my older sister started spending more time with my ex-girlfriend’s child…the
one she thinks is mine. My ex never told her that this little boy was not my child…she
kept up the fake story….probably because she knows my sister and I don’t get
along…and she’s pretty vindictive. One of the many reasons why I left her.
This Fall was the first time in five years we were all together as a family and bamm(!)
…my sister starts right in on me and attacks me about the child…how a father could
abandonment his child and things like that.
So, I responded, “I don’t know…why don’t you ask my Ex why the real dad ran away?”
My sister called me a pathetic liar so I asked her if she wanted to see the DNA test
results from five years ago. She was dumbstruck when she learned I wasn’t the
biological father. But she was more furious that I allowed her to believe that this child
was not her blood relative for the past five years. She called me an a**hole and worse.
So, AITA for allowing this farce to go on for five years? And why isn’t my sister mad at
my ex-girlfriend who has been lying to her all this time? I, at least didn’t lie to her…I just
didn’t tell her the truth…so, maybe I am TA…?

Edit to add: So, I just want to make one thing very clear. After my ex-girlfriend gave
birth I had the DNA test done and I was not the father so I cut her off. My sister went to
see my ex without me knowing and got her side of the story (which was a lie) and
immediately started attacking me on social media. She never asked me so I decided to
keep letting her make an a** out of.
herself. No one else in my life believed my ex’s story, not even her own parents,
because everyone knew I would never abandon my child. However, this fit my sister’s
narrative of me and I just had no time for her nonsense so that’s why I never told her
that the child wasn’t mine. I have not heard from her in five years. So this is 100% on
her for believing my ex over her own brother.

Let’s head to the comments:

ACatGod
I disagree with your reasoning. How many women are on this forum whose partners
have walked away from their responsibilities and their partner's families have enabled
and protected these men, leaving them destitute and alone?
Not sure the sister went about it the best way but are we really going to fault her for
standing up for the baby and the girlfriend? She was misled by the ex-girlfriend AND her
brother…in fact the entire family because they knew the real truth. I kind of think this
brother is an AH although I don't know enough to be able to decide between ESH and
YTA.

Editing my comment, I'm definitely now on the YTA boat. His sister has been standing up
for a child she was led to believe has been abandoned by her brother. His anger toward
her seems to stem from the fact she chose to believe the ex-girlfriend who accused him
of being a deadbeat even though the ex knows the real truth. But he had a pretty lame
excuse for covering up something as important as a paternity.

Hestiansun
ESH. Yes, the sister shouldn’t have rushed to judgement but the ex-girlfriend was not
truthful about the paternity. The ex probably was looking for sympathy and it was a way
to get back at the brother for “abandoning” her.
But there is NO good reason not to tell your family that someone who is seen as a family
member simply isn’t. Not sure if you meant it to sound this way, but it came off like you
let this fallacy persist because you thought it was “funny”.
Granted, someone else in your family also could have told your sister about the
paternity. But she’s justified in being upset at you. YTA.

External_Outcome5678
YTA. I’m siding with your sister because she thought you had a child and abandoned
your responsibilities as a parent. She was in the right to get on your case about it. Too
many biological fathers don’t step up and it’s terrible. This all sounds like some
immature sibling rivalry that got brought into adulthood. Letting her believe this lie for 5
years is plain low-down wrong.
cyborgjohnkeats
ESH. It must have really hurt when she assumed the worst in you but I can understand
her anger.
You acted like an immature a**hole. You easily could have told her the circumstances
around the paternity and then asked her for an apology. Instead, you acted in a way that
confirmed her fears that you did in fact abandon a child. This was childish and
immature, no way around it. Obviously she is going to be mad about it. Anyone would
be.
Yeah, it would be great if your sister came to you first instead of the ex-girlfriend but she
didn't. That's life. Your actions are your responsibility…own up to them. Letting
someone think they have a family bond when they don't is despicable.
I know you said she was No Contact with you but your parents could have told her the
truth. Your entire family sounds messed up and childish. Life isn't an internet revenge
fantasy.

UPDATE
All you guys are right…I have been TA. Writing all this down made me realize that I
should have been the bigger person in this relationship and not let this continue for FIVE
years. I think I was fighting back because I was so devastated after learning about my
ex-girlfriend cheating and then getting pregnant. I was so down on myself for a long
time…I didn’t care what people thought of me.
Yeah, all I had to do was say “hey, just so you know, ex cheated on me and the baby isn't
mine. Now, my sister has become close to this child thinking that he is her nephew.
Don’t get on my family because you thought they should have said something even if I
didn’t. My family is weird like that…beside my bossy sister, they don’t get involved at all
in family drama. I guess they were waiting for me to say something.

.
Our last comment is from…..Paxchi who says…..
NTA, and honestly, it's astounding how many people are saying either YTA or ESH.
You told everyone that your sister did not come to you to hear your side of the story.
She went to see your ex-girlfriend, believed her side of the story and then verbally
attacked you without knowing the truth… and then went No Contact. She just assumed
the worst about you despite the fact that it was not in your character to abandon a child
like that…
Just a reminder, YOU were the one who got cheated on. YOU were the one who had an
ex that tried to saddle you with a child that wasn’t yours. This sister did a snap
judgement on an innocent guy who got massively cheated on.
I feel that you had no obligation to correct your sister's misconception, especially when
she wasn’t interested in the truth. Remember, she was the sister who didn't speak to
you for years. And your parents stayed out of it because, for once, it sounds like you
have parents who actually respect boundaries, privacy and don't meddle.
I mean, look what happened the first time they met after five years…he told her the
truth about the paternity and showed her the evidence. If the sister had just gone to
him in the first place, she could have avoided this entirely.
Could the brother have reached out to her to clarify things? Absolutely. Was he
obligated to do so? I say, nope, not at all. Especially when the sister cut him out of her
life and was so nasty to him.
This is why it's good to actually get both sides of a story before making any snap
judgements.

Hey Code Karen community, what would you do in this situation?

I’d love to hear your comments….

See you in the next story….