1998th EDITION

AND
BLIENRTE
PEOPLE

IRVING TRESSLER
1. What are the best ways to bore a bore?
2. How does one discourage would-be overnight
guests?
3. What are the best ways to penetrate to the sensi-
tivities ofpeople with elephant-like hides?
 THE sole

solve the biggest

purpose of this

problem you
book is

face:
to help
the prob-
you

lem of getting rid of people who bore you in

your everyday business and social life.

A short while ago a survey to determine just

what, in addition to sex and movies, the average

American adult wants to know about was conducted
bv the Glass Blowers Protective League and the
Dairymen's Breeders Association. Like all surveys
it cost twice as much and took three times as long
as it should have, but it revealed a very important
fact: the average adult wants to know how to make
himself instantly and permanently unpopular with
people who are dull or annoying.

The Committee conducting the survey (wishing

to prolong its salary appropriation) decided that a

course in unpopularitv was needed.

At last a book on unpopularitv and how to

achieve it has been written. It is the only one of

its kind in existence— the only practical, useful work-

ing handbook in enemy-making. How To Lose
Friends And Alienate People contains all the suc-
cessful methods of dealing with people in whom you

are not interested. It is based upon the author's

lifetime experience in trying to convince friends that

he is non-gregarious, always had been, and always

wanted to be. The book is really an outgrowth of
the author's famous course in Human
Relations Up
To A Certain Point And How To Keep Them At
That Point.

Professor R. U. Thehr of Cambridge has said,

"Our friends and acquaintances bother us perpetu-

ally with their invitations and calls, yet we oniy

(Continued on Back Flap)

How to Lose Friends
and Alienate People
 Digitized by the Internet Archive
in 2010

http://www.archive.org/details/howtolosefriendsOOtres
 10 THINGS THIS BOOK WILL DO
FOR YOU
1. Get you out of a mental rut. This isn't the

rutting season, anyhow. What are you doing

in it ?

2. Arouse enthusiasm among your friends —

enthusiasm for sudden engagements they
just remembered.
3. Give you 10 - 15 more miles per gallon and
relieve you of any flat tires you get stuck
with.
4. Replace tick-tack-toe games at lectures.

5. Get you out of distasteful social engage-

ments quicker than you got into them.
6. Give you those quiet evenings alone you've
yearned for ever since the neighbors "ac-
cepted" you.
7. Decrease your influence, enable you to get
twice as much done as before.
8. Teach you how to antagonize anyone, any-
where, anytime without the aid of dandruff.
9. Increase your happiness by decreasing that
of others.
10. Replace pains in your neck with aches in
your side.
 OTHER BOOKS

By IRVING D. TRESSLER

READERS DIGEST VERY LITTLE

HOW TO RIDE OVER HILL AND DALE
How to lose friends

and alienate people

A BURLESQUE
by
IRVING D. TRESSLER
Persona Non Grata

President of the Irving D. Tressler Institute

of Human Relations Up To a Certain Point
And How To Keep Them At That Point

STACKPOLE SONS NEW YORK

 COPYRIGHT, 193 7, BY
IRVING D. TRESSLER
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

First Impression, June, 1937

Second Impression, June, 1937
Third Impression, Not so good

MANUFACTURED THE U. A.
IN S.

BY THE TELEGRAPH PRESS

HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA
This Book is Dedicated to
a Man Who Doesn't Need
to Read It:

ADOLF HI TLER
CONTENTS
Chapter 9. The Personal Remark 117
Chapter 10. Dining Out for the Last Time 127
Chapter 11. The Friendly Traveler 137
Chapter 12. Always Turn a Conversation
into an Argument 147
Chapter 13. Everybody Wants Sympathy 157
Chapter 14. If You're Wrong Don't Ad-
mit It 165
Chapter 15. No One Wants to be a Goat 175
Chapter 16. So You Live in a Suburb ? 183
Chapter 17. Give the Dog a Bad Name 193
Chapter 18. Letters that Produced Mirac-
ulous Results 203
Chapter 19. Tired of Your Husband ? 215
Chapter 20. Tired of Your Wife ? 225
Chapter 21. Tired of Your Boy Friend? 235
Chapter 22. Making an Offense Your Best
Defense 243
Tear Out and Mail 249
 A SHORT CUT TO INDISTINCTION
by Thomas Lowell

ON thousand
January night in 1937 two
a blustery, cold,
hundred men and women
five
thronged the grand ballroom of the Mills Hotel
in New York City. Every available seat was filled
by half-past seven, in fact, many of the seats
were more than filled. The balcony was jammed,
standing space was at a premium and hundreds
of people stood up for an hour and a half that
night to witness —
what?
A radio broadcast by a favorite murderer?
A dogfight A quilting party
? ?

No. These people had been lured there by a

newspaper ad. Two evenings previously they had
picked up a copy of the New York Times (I am
13
 How To Lose Friends
still interested in seeing 2500 people pick up
one copy of the Times) and found a full-page
announcement peeking at them.

INCREASE YOUR PRIVACY !

SEIZE THE SOLITUDE YOU ARE

SEEKING !

In the most sophisticated city on earth, a city

that buys more top hats and opera cloaks (and
sells more knitting needles) than any other U. S.
metropolis, 2500 people hustled through a wintry
night to the Mills Hotel in response to that ad.
Of course, the ad also offered free doughnuts and
coffee and, of course, some 500 of the crowd was
composed of ushers, relatives, janitors, police-
men, firemen, and passersby who had hoped that
a "house" was being raided, but what were the
remaining 1000 spectators doing there ?
These men and women had come to hear a
lecture sponsored by the Institute of Human Re-
lations Up To A Certain Point. They had come
to learn how to make themselves make them-
talk,
selves talk so that others would hate them — hate
them as they hated sidewalk photographers and
dog owners too lazy to take their pets to the curb-
ing. They were there because a survey conducted

14
 A Short Cut To Indistinction

by the Glass Blowers' Protective League, the

Dairymen's Breeders Association, and the Alli-
ance Against Overcoats Which Look Like Dress-
ing Gowns had revealed that the prime interest
of all adults is in themselves. And because the
survey also showed that the second interest of
everyone is in how to get some privacy for them-
selves. These people were attending a course
which was going to tell them how to learn the
technique of getting rid of people — the most
world. The ad in
difficult art in the the Times had
promised that the meeting would be highly enter-
taining. It was.
Twenty men who had taken the course pre-
viously were marshaled in front of the loud-
speaker. Fifteen of them were too drunk to stand.
The others were given 60 seconds each to tell his
story.Only 60 seconds of talk, then "Bang!"
went the chairman's shotgun.
The affair moved with speed. The speakers
were a cross section of American life, ranging
from a grey-haired Methodist Board of Morals
worker who attended burlesque shows for amuse-
ment to a grey-haired burlesque show comedian
who attended Methodist Board of Morals meet-
ings for amusement.

15
 How To Lose Friends
The first speaker bore the name of Burnblatt.
Born on New York's East Side, Pat Burnblatt
had attended school for the first 20 years of his life
and was finally dismissed from first grade at the
request of his teacher. At 40 Pat was working as
a salesman of vacuum cleaners and succeeding far
beyond his dreams or hopes. People seemed to
buy from him regardless of what he did. Even
when he cleaned a rug with the special soap ato-
mizer attachment and cleaned just enough so
that the clean spot stood out like a boil on Miss
America, they didn't seem to mind. People
seemed to like him instinctively. They liked him
because he was too self-conscious to talk and they
could tell him everything. His income sky-
rocketed in spite of all he could do to prevent it.
He hated making out income tax statements, he
hated the bother of buying new cars, new clothes,
new furniture. At times he grew so discouraged
he would return home in the middle of the day,
throw himself on his bed, and sob like a woman
on her thirtieth birthday. He had wanted to earn
$2,500 a year and he was earning $25,000. It was
discouraging.
He tried selling padded brassieres, but gave up
when his first customer, a 75 year old man, bought

16
 A Short Cut To Indistinction

two dozen after two hours spent telling Pat about

his visit to Yellowstone in 1911. He tried selling
second hand anvils and quit when he disposed of
five to his second customer a middle-aged lady
who was movement and
interested in the labor
had just had a tumor removed. Then one day Pat
Burnblatt received a letter inviting him to try the
course in Human Relations Up To A
Certain
Point.
He didn't want to attend, but his despairing
wife insisted. "It may do yez some good, Pat,"
the heartsick woman pleaded, "and God knows
ye need it. We weren't meant to be eatin' filets
we're flank steak folks jist loike our ancestors."
Pat Burnblatt went down to the meeting and
stood in front of the door to the hall for fifteen
minutes, scared to death to enter. Finally a kindly
old policeman came along. "Faith, Pat," he said,
"And tell yez of the toime Mike tried
did oi iver
to find out the difference between the Washington
monument and a leopard's tail?" "No, and ye
didn't," said Pat, edging in alarm towards the
doorway. "Well," said the policeman, "Sure and
one is rooted to the spot whoile the ither is spotted
to the root !" The cop slapped his leg and guff-
awed. "And did I iver tell yez of the toime the
17
 How To Lose Friends
two bricklayers was layin' bricks fer the new
church ?"
"No, ye didn't !" shouted Pat in desperation,
and by this time he was already in the hall and
anxious to get as far away from the policeman as
possible. The policeman smiled again and thought
of the days when he himself had taken the course
in how to get rid of people and subsequently been
employed to stand in front of the hall and fright-
en the timid customers inside with his jokes.
As the weeks drifted by Pat learned to talk as
fluently as though he had just tripped over a chair
in the dark. He learned how to tell funny stories
like "What room in Washington is the world's
— the room for improvement! Ha ha!"
largest?
and "What trade has every U.S. President fol-
lowed? — cabinet-making! Ha ha ha!" and soon
he had lost all his fear of individuals. Indeed, be-
fore long they were fearing him. His income
stopped skyrocketing and started descending. He
found doors closed to him that had been open for
years. Even the Men's room was difficult to get in
now. People started crossing the street to avoid
him. They knew that no longer would they have
the opportunity to tell Pat all about the cute
thing their little nephew said when asked where
18
 A Short Cut To Indistinction

rain came from, but more likely would be forced

to listen to Pat tell of the gas pains he had had
last week or the plot of the movie he had just
seen. It was a marvelous personal triumph. Pat
isno longer earning $25,000 a year, he's on Relief
now and he's happy. People don't bother him at
all. Even his wife doesn't — she couldn't stand
the jokes.
A new movement is stampeding across the
country today —
a movement to help people gain
the privacy and seclusion they have wanted
all their lives and leave them unpestered by
"friends". And the most spectacular force in this
new movement man who heads the Institute
is the
of Human Relations Up To A Certain Point,
the man who taught Pat Burnblatt where happi-
ness lay. This man is Irving D. Tressler.
Irving D. Tressler was born on a Wisconsin
farm ten miles from a railway and half a block
from the bus. He never saw a horse until his
father took him to a Milwaukee burlesque show
when he was 8. Today he is familiar with every
curve on the earth's surface, from Hong Kong
to Beep Beep.
This Pennsylvania miner's son who once or-
ganized a Fifth Avenue service for informing
19
 How To Lose Friends
passing ladies whether or not their slips were
showing, this erstwhile Wyoming cowboy who
rode fences and surrounded chocolate nut sundaes
— what raised this humble lad from poverty to
success ?

To begin with, young Tressler had to struggle

for an education. Hard luck was always hammer-
ing away at the barren little Hollywood farm
where his father fought so hard to raise hell. The
soil was fertile and the climate was favorable, but

year after year the little family would raise a fine

crop of hell only to see it wither and fade before
the crop of some movie star or evangelist.
Sick with discouragement, the family sold out
and moved totown near the Oregon State Teach-
ers College. Through wind and rain, heat and
cold, traffic lights and pedestrians the young Irv-
ing rode the long weary block to college and back
each day, returning home at night too tired to
down the slug of whiskey his mother pressed
upon him. Barely snatching time for a bite, he
would rush out to milk the cows, shear the sheep,
curry the horses, mow the lawn, paint the house,
grease the car, dig the well, and all the odd jobs
that anyonewho has ever read an American auto-
biography knows must be done daily before a
20
 A Short Cut To Indistinction

man can qualify as a candidate for Chairman of

the Board or President of the United States.
There were 600 odd students at the College
and Irving was one of the oddest. He was
ashamed of the poverty that made it necessary
for him to saddle and ride an old Duroc-Jersey
sow to class each morning. He was ashamed of
his trousers because they would never stay but-
toned. Yet in spite of all this, and try as he might,
he could develop no inferiority complex and be-
come a psychopathic case. It slowly dawned on
him that painting or writing were not to be his
goals in life.

Graduating from college, he started selling

typewriters to the ranchers and cowhands of east-
ern Montana. This was some years before the
typewriter was invented, but
it was typical of the

vision of the —
young fellow he knew that the
typewriter was bound to come sooner or later so
he sold it. And he followed this example all the
rest of his life, with conspicuous success in oil.

Yet, despite his boundless energy and enthusiasm

he found he wasn't making anything but friends
and women. He resolved to go to Omaha for an-
other job, so he walked the entire distance on the
railway track. By the time he reached Omaha
21
 How To Lose Friends
there were 23 freight and 18 passenger trains
backed up behind him because of his stubborn
refusal to get off the track. It was a sparkling
example of the grim- jawed determination which
was to carry him so far later in life.
Landing in South Baltimore, young Tressler
quickly got a job selling bean slicers to the
Indians of the Southwest. The Indians didn't
need bean slicers any more than they needed
"Have a drink ?" repeated the second time, but it
was his task to convince them that they did. He
covered his territory on an old tricycle, slept in
pioneer hotels where the only partition between
the rooms was a thin muslin sheet, a fact which
later led to his famous book, "The Frontier
—
Woman Intimate Glimpses Of." But after
two years of selling bean slicers New York was
calling — New York and a big new idea.
He arrived in Manhattan on a blustery, cold,
January night and in one brief hour learned what
he had suspected to be true —
that men craved
privacy but didn't know how to get it. He would
organize courses and teach them how to get it.
He rented an old barn on the site of what was
later to become a second and third mortgage, and
the course grew rapidly. He could find no text-
22
 A Short Cut To Indistinction

books on how to make people avoid you, so he

wrote one. Within a year pupils were coming to
him from all over the world. And finally, so suc-
cessful were his lectures on how to make people
stay away from you that people began staying
away.
Today Irving D. Tressler says that some of us
are born with ability to make others peeved, but
most of us aren't. We flounder about making
empty, vapid, pleasing remarks and before we
know it we have another "friend" and have in-
vited him to lunch "some day". The trouble with
most of us is that we don't talk enough. We let
the other person get in his views and opinions and
permit him to think we are interested in what he
has to say.As a result we have "friends" who
"drop in to say hello", corner us on streets to
point out what we already know about the
weather, invite us to boring dinners, arrange
stupid theater parties, and in general ignore the
fact that most of us are non-gregarious.
Irving Tressler will tell you he has made a

living all these years by teaching people how to

talk and tell others what they are thinking. That
is every man's trouble —
he never says what he
thinks when he thinks it. Men who take the Tress-
23
 How To Lose Friends
ler course haven't seen the inside of a classroom
for 30 years ; they are men who want results and
—
want them quick results they can use the next
day in their business contacts and in dealing with
relatives.
So well are the Tressler teachings taught that
he guarantees each pupil his money back if he
doesn't hate him and tell him so by the time the
sessions are only half over. He counts each course
lost which doesn't end in a free-for-all fist fight.

He is proud that today he is unable to travel any-

where without a bodyguard, proud that thous-
ands of ex-pupils have sworn to get "that son of
a !" Irving D. Tressler has developed a
course that is one of the significant movements
in U. S. social history, a course that's as real as
halitosis and even more lasting in its results.
How to GetMost
the

Out of This Book

HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS
BOOK

wish to get the most out of this book there

IF you
one major requirement, in addition to being
is

able to read and understand words of more than

four letters. What is this magic requirement ? Just
this : a deep, driving desire to want to make others
dislike you just as much as you dislike them, a
vigorous determination to recognize the fact that
most people are about as interesting as a semi-an-
nual report of the U. S. Gypsum Co.

"He who is rich in friends is poor in privacy."

1. Read each chapter rapidly at first to get

a bird's-eye view of it. Then turn the book upside

27
 How to Lose Friends
down and try to get a worm's-eye view of it. You
will probably be tempted then to pick up the
Reader's Digest, but don't. Reread each chapter
thoroughly. This won't help much, but it will oc-
cupy some of the long evenings you're going to
have alone if you follow the advice of this book.
2. Stop frequently in your reading to j ot down
the ideas which occur to you as you read. For ex-
ample : Must wash tomorrow
hair Wish I . . .

hadn't eaten those cucumbers Wonder if

. . .

there's anything good on the radio Such notes. . .

as these will be of enormous help to you and will

make magnificent book marks.
3. Read with a red pencil, a piece of charcoal,
and a razor blade in your hand. When you come
to a passage you like, underline it, then cross it

out, then slit the page in shreds with the razor.

Such tactics serve to indent the passage in your
mind and alienate anyone who picks up the book.
Likewise they will force anyone else who wants
to read it to buy a new copy. (Applause from
publisher)
4f. If you want to get a real, lasting benefit
out of book, add a pinch of pepper, then cook
this
in a hotoven for two hours at the end of which
time remove the binding and serve with a lib-
28
 How to Get the Most Out of This Book
eral sprinkling of finely ground pieces of tripe.

( Some of the best American tripe is found in the

magazines for men.)
5. Keep a copy of this book on your desk and
glance through it often. Keep impressing your-
self with the rich possibilities for improvement in
others. Throw a copy at every friend who enters
your door. Impress them with your aim in life —
give them an eyeful.
6. Make a game out of learning how to alien-
ate others. Offer your wife a dollar every time
she catches you smiling at her.
Check up on yourself at the end of each
7.

week and see how you are succeeding in the appli-

cation of the principles set down in this book. Ask
yourself : "Why
did I receive an invitation for
dinner next Tuesday from so-and-so ? What did
I do to make her like me ? Why did so-and-so drop
in my morning and waste a half hour
office this

of my time ? What
could I have said that would
have made him turn purple and stride out the
door ?"
8. Bernard Pshaw once "The man worth
said,
while is the man who can smile when his pants
split on the street." Pshaw was right. Friendships
are like pants — they sometimes split. This book
29
 How to Lose Friends
is to teach you how to split and break them with
the least trouble and maximum efficiency. You
will find it difficult to apply all the lessons in this
book at once. That is, no man can think fast enough
to tell a person who bores him that he looks like
the devil, is stupid and dull, doesn't know what he
is talking about, and needs those protruding teeth

straightened, all in one meeting. liefer to these

pages often. Regard this as a working handbook
on unpopularity.
9. There are a number of form pages at the
end of this book. Fill them out and mail them to
any friends with whom you desire just a nodding
acquaintance. If properly filled out these forms
will work miracles in shortening your list of friend-
ships and invitations.
10. This book also makes an excellent door-
stop.
How This Book Was Written—
and Why
 HOW THIS BOOK WAS WRITTEN
AND WHY

ONE in
afternoon in January, 1937 an executive
one of our biggest corporations, a man who
knows Section 77B forwards and backwards, told
me the following story as I peeked in his office
through the transom
"Listen," he said, "I'm so angry right now that
I could chew up a New York Telephone directory
and not taste the Peppers !"
"What's the trouble ?" I asked, "Have you been
given the wrong number twice in succession ?"
He snorted. "Business is fine And the kitchen
!

sink at home hasn't stopped up in months, but

I tell you if one more Mimeographed Mixer
comes into this office I'll kill him !"

33
 How to Lose Friends
With that he launched into a Niagara of pro-
fanity and abuse. He told me how
months for six
salesmen whom he had known for years had been
coming into his office and employing identical
sales techniques."Some damn fool has been giv-
ing them courses in how to be popular and make
and they've swallowed it whole
friends, !

"Each one of them starts off the same way —

trying to get me to talk about myself, about my
hobbies, my what they're
children, anything but
trying to sell ! want to buy some-
Hell's bells ! I
thing from them, not use them for confessors !

Then they start telling me how I don't look half

of the 48 years I'll be on July 30th at 9 P.M.-
where they picked that up I don't know Pretty !

soon they comment on my middle name and tell

me how much they like it and how they would
like to use it as a name for their next child, if I
don't mind. (All this time they sit on the edges
of their chairs breathless for next word, andmy
with a smile on their faces that looks as though
it was painted there !)

"I try to get them to start their sales talk and

get down to business, but no upon
! They insist
talking about me, making me feel important, mak-
ing me feel that every idea ever broached was mine.
34
 How This Booh Was Written and Why
I can't get one of them into a good old-fashioned
argument even when I call him a dirty so-and-so !

Everything I do and say is right and everything

they say and do is wrong, if it's opposed to my
way of thinking. Whoever's been teaching them
how to be popular ought to be tied hand and foot
and made to listen to Edwin C. Hill for a week
straight —
and even that's too good for him I !

tell you I've bought less from these salesmen in

the past six months than I did during any month

of 1933 !"

"You're a fool !" I said simply and directly. He

fairly beamed all over.

"That's the first time in months that I've had

anybody come into my office and tell me something
I didn't agree with !" he said. "What do you
mean ?"

"Why don't you take my course in Human Re-

Up to a Certain Point and How to Keep
lations
Them at That Point V I replied.
"Why don't you write a book telling people,
who haven't time to take your course, how to lose
friends and alienate people ?" he retorted.
And with that simple question the idea of this
book was conceived and born.

35
 How to Lose Friends
This book is aimed at the millions who can't
come to me personally and learn the secrets of an-
tagonizing associates. It is aimed at the millions
who don't know how to avoid being bored daily in
office and home, on street and at table by people
who are just plain dull. It is aimed at the I'm-
Going-to-Make-You-Like-Me Movement, the
most ominous movement since the Lambert Phar-
macal Company made everyone so conscious of
their breaths that lunch counter stools were placed
six inches further apart.
In preparation for this book, I read everything
I could find — everything from Flying Aces, the
real estate transfer records of Manhattan, the
backs of old cigarette coupons, the ads in subways
and elevateds, to Variety and Walter Winchell.
In addition, I hired a trained research man to
spend four months accepting invitations to teas,
dinners, bridge parties, luncheons, literary recep-
tions,and everything else that promised to be
unexciting and dull.
This book is the outgrowth of years of experi-
ence in being bored. It is the product of the expe-
riences of dozens of friends in being bored. It is

the result of being the victim of thousands of

statements commencing: "We know you're ter-
36
 How This Book Was Written and Why
ribly busy, so we're only staying a minute — !"

For two years my

wife and I lived on 45th
Street in Manhattan, one block from Times
Square, four blocks from the Grand Central Sta-
tion. It was the most centrally located, convenient
spot in town and our apartment was more popu-
lar with friends than a horse is with flies. Every-
one stopped in to use our bathroom. (We finally
placed a coin-slot arrangement on the door and
in two weeks made enough to pay the rent).
Friends who sailed for Europe used our spare
bed. Friends who returned from Europe used it.
Friends who toured the East stopped with us for
long visits. Friends who came in town for the
theater spent the night with us. We
had all the
privacy of a drug store window.
Finally we were forced to move. We took an
apartment in a portion of Manhattan so difficult
and so re-
to reach, so difficult to direct people to,
mote that not even radio broadcasts reach us. All
our food must be packed in on Llama back through
hundreds of miles of subways, tenements, and the
most desolate country imaginable. ( The only sign
of Life is on a newstand to the north of us) Once .

a year a ship stops and leaves us a supply of news-

papers, magazines and Kleenex.
37
 How to Lose Friends
The rules I have set down in this book are not
pedantic theories or guess work. They actually
work. They are the rules I use in my courses in
teaching people how to lead fuller and lonelier
lives. They are rules directed at the average Ameri-

can — the type who feels around in telephone coin-

return slots to see if there isn't a nickel there by
chance, the type who says, "It's a terrible picture
of me, but good of the rest of you, don't you
think ?"

"Our friends bother us perpetually with their

everlasting invitations and calls," says Professor
R. U. Thehr of Cambridge, "yet we only smile
and accept. How much happier we would be if
only we would say and do what we wanted to —
use some of our hidden assets of independence.
The trouble is we are too inclined to sit on our
assets."
The Big Secret of Dealing With
People
 CHAPTER ONE

THE BIG SECRET OF DEALING WITH

PEOPLE

ON warm summer evenings, when themock-

ing bird is crying his low, flutey note and the
wind from the East River and Brooklyn inciner-
ator is just right, a flood of boyhood memories
comes over me. I think of the tiny one-room apart-
ment where I was raised, along with the Poland
China hogs which my father kept. Aye, 'twas only
a rough and ready shelter, but it was home to me
and the pigs, and we loved it.
From time to time the pigs would break loose
and scamper about the apartment building. Then
the other tenants would complain and father
would be taken to jail. Next morning his picture
and pictures of the hogs would appear in the
41
 How to Lose Friends
papers and father would study them voraciously.
The hogs didn't care whether their pictures were
in the paper or not, but father did. It gave him a
feeling of importance.
We all want certain things from this life. For
example everyone wants a new rug for the liv-
:

ing room and everyone wants a pair of shoes that

are comfortable and yet look smart. Similarly,
everyone wants an automobile and everyone wants
a dentist whose charges are "reasonable." But
what everyone wants most is what father wanted :

a feeling of importance. It is this feeling of im-

portance which must be deflated in every person
we meet and don't want to meet again.
To be explicit : When Marilyn Conners comes
rushing up to you at a tea just bursting with her
"discovery" of "the quaintest little place to eat
in New Orleans," you must reply, "Oh yes, isn't
it adorable ? I stopped there last year when I was
down." And when Murphy Preston, the town
snob, saunters over to impress you with the fact
that he saw Jane Howl's new play when he was
in New York, it is up to you to say, "So glad you
did. I saw her try-out of it last summer at the Little
Theater in Rookerstown. Quite good, isn't it ?"
This yearning for a feeling of importance is the
42
 The Big Secret of Dealing With People
most significant thing aboutany person. It was
this desire, I suspect, which led the du Ponts to
produce Cellophane. Today you can't open a
package of cigarettes or deliver a baby without
removing the Cellophane and thinking of the du
Pont name. It was this desire which led Benito
Mussolini to dress in a costume which no man
of his girth should wear, and go around raising
his arm in the air every time he met someone else
with a dirty shirt. Rockefeller and Dillinger both
wanted money and both Wanted the feeling that
they were somebody. The chief difference between
the two is that Rockefeller never used a gun.

Lindbergh had to fly the Atlantic Ocean before

he felt important enough to look a headwaiter in
the eye. Gypsy Rose Lee had to take off all her
clothes before she felt important enough to face
a movie camera. Mrs. Dionne had to have quintup-
and William Randolph Hearst had to publish
lets,

more third rate newspapers than anyone else.

My Aunt Mathilda used to be bothered by a

neighbor woman who would spend entire after-
 How to Lose Friends
noons telling Auntie about her operation for gall-
stones. The more Aunt Mathilda yawned the
faster the old lady talked. Finally Auntie had an
idea. She went to a hospital and had two feet of
her intestines, three ribs, and her appendix re-
moved. Then she returned home. The next time
the old neighbor bore came over Aunt Mathilda
was ready for her. She gave her a four hour ac-
count of every step of her operation.
The old bore never came again.

People ache for approval and praise. When

they don't get it they're as let down as a Venetian
blind. Just imagine how friendly Henry Ford
would feel towards you if you were to go up to
him and say "Now, look here, Henry. Why don't
:

you stop sinking money in this Greenfield Village

of yours You're just as bad as all the rest of our
?

philanthropists —
you want to erect something
that will carry on your name after you're dead.
As a result, we've got so many third rate museums
and galleries in this country that it will take dec-
ades to tear down the buildings and sift out the
rubbish from the things worth saving. Why don't
you quit trying to make posterity identify your
44
 The Big Secret of Dealing With People
name with something besides axles and transmis-
sions and give away a thousand of your cars a
year to all Westerners who would make a trip
East and all Easterners who would make a trip
West ? You'd give more pleasure and profit than
10,000 of Thomas Edison's workshops will ever
give to visitors at Greenfield Village."

Emerson said "Every man I meet is my su-

:

perior in some way." Emerson was a cluck. Adopt

his attitude and you're sunk, if you want to lose
friends and alienate people. Say to yourself :

"Every person I meet is feeble-minded. I have

plenty to offer them and they have nothing to offer
me. It's up to me to beat them to the conversational
gun, then clear out."

Forget flattery. Be generous with your acid and

lavish with your contempt. If you do, people will
remember your words —
remember them long
after they have ceased speaking to you.
How to Make People Dislike
You Instantly
 CHAPTER TWO

HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE DISLIKE

YOU INSTANTLY

THE quickest and simplest

people dislike you is to ask
way
them
to make
to take care
of your dog for the week-end. This will start a
grudge even faster than borrowing a cocktail
shaker and returning it unwashed. But not every
one has a dog and not all of us borrow cocktail
shakers. What's left, then ? Well, there's Joe
Louis' left, but he won't let you have it unless you
stand still in front of him.
If you want to make people dislike you then
you've got to do as the Indians did when their
enemies disguised themselves beneath buffalo
skins — they hit below the pelt.

49
 How to Lose Friends
My wife had only two chops in the icebox and I
had just enough sherry for the pair of us when
an acquaintance dropped in at dinner time one
evening. Obviously, if we invited him to dinner it
meant running out for extra meat and wine. So I
asked myself, "What is there about this chap that
I can honestly dislike ?" In this case it was simple
as getting a spot on a white linen suit.
"My that's a beautiful wart on your nose !" I
remarked.
He looked up, nettled, and blew out the match
for his cigarette. "I'm going to have it taken off
some day," he said.
"Wart's your hurry?" I laughed, "But you
don't know wart's wart. I'd say you needed a
better fitting set of false teeth first. Where'd you
—
get these Montgomery Ward's?"
He puffed angrily on his smoke, "They were
done by the best dentist I could find around this
town !" he snorted.
I proceeded to ask him how he could wear his
shirts three days and he bridled instantly.
"Why, haven't you worn that shirt three days ?"
!"
I said, "It looks it

This called for a stamping-out of the cigarette

in the ash tray. (Always a good sign.

50
 How to Make People Dislike You Instantly
The little gibes went on for five minutes more,
with my guest growing angrier. He was getting
awfully thin on top, wasn't he ? I knew where he
could get a first class suit for very little one —
that wouldn't look quite so old and faded as the
one he had on. Did he want the address of my cob-
bler ? He could fix those run-down heels in twenty
minutes. It wasn't long before he left, bowing
stiffly.

Always make the other person feel like one

cent.

There is Method, invented by

also the Identical
a California doctor who
went insane trying
later
to fold a transparent raincoat back into the little
packet in which it came. This method is really
nothing more than making a pest of yourself to
people who are pests to you. Some of the means
include Dropping in on couples for a friendly call
:

movie they
just as they are about to depart for a
have long wanted to see calling upon others only
;

at lunch or dinner time becoming interested in

;

dozens of causes so that you are constantly solicit-

ing money to aid this and that becoming a con- ;

sistent forwarder of confidential little items about

51
 How to Lose Friends
your friends to the local gossip-column conductor.
(Mrs. Richard Jones is tiny garmenting sometime
in March or The Paul Connerts are really renting
the Painley home which everyone thought they
had purchased.)
Not quite so rapid, but still effective is the Ner-
vous Nellie Method. This consists of utilizing
little mannerisms in the company of others. To

wit Rattle the change in your pocket. Dance your

:

foot up and down when seated. Bite your nails.

Crack your finger joints. Scratch your head. Suck
your teeth. Twist your hands. Tap or drum on
tables with your fingers. Fondle your tie or beads.
Hum or whistle. Use such expressions as "If you
know what I mean" and "Do you get me ?" and
"Is that clear ?" If you haven't half the roomful
crazy by the end of the evening then it's too
drunken a brawl to be a fair test.

One day a young lady rang my apartment bell

and introduced herself as the friend of a friend

who had insisted that she look me up when she
came to New York. Very foolishly I invited her in
for a cup of tea. For two hours I listened to her.
She told me of the quarrel with her husband, how
52
 How to Make People Dislike You Instantly
unhappy had always been, of the book she
she
hoped to write some day, of the peonies which were
just blooming when she left home, and how she
hated to leave her garden she even pulled out
;

some snapshots of herself taken one summer at

Lake Coocheecoocheecoo ("That's me with the
short skirt — didn't I look dreadful ?")

It was two hours before I finally got her out of

the apartment. Then the afternoon was ruined for
work and I was trembling with anger. Yet all this
could have been avoided had I only used a little

tactlessness. If, when I had answered the bell, I

had said cordially, "How do you do, madam, I
haven't the faintest idea who you are, but your slip
isshowing two inches on the left side, the ends of
your hair are badly in need of curling, and if I
couldn't find a better shade of silk stockings to
match my dress I think I'd go barelegged even
though my legs were scarred like a battlefield.
Won't you came in ?"
Crooked teeth, bald heads, excess fat, large
ears, unattractive legs, cross-eyes — all these
should be watched for and commented upon when
you are introduced to a stranger. Few persons are
insensitive enough not to hate you forevermore if
you commence your acquaintance with such an
53
 How to Lose Friends
introduction. And hate is the best insurance there
isagainst telephone calls commencing "We won- :

dered whether you were going to be busy on

Thursday evening — ?"

A man who has traveled extensively once told

me of a custom among the savage tribes of New-
port and Palm Beach where women are slain with
a word and men have their backbones removed
before they reach maturity. In these isolated areas,
whose inhabitants move restlessly from yacht to
yacht, ("I yacht to do this" and "I yacht to do
that") an outsider or a stranger hasn't a chance.
When one is introduced the tribe gathers around
him in a small, tight circle and throws buckets of
cold water on his aspirations, which are usually
lying prominently in view. If this fails to dis-
courage the stranger then a group of the most
beautiful maidens of the tribe suddenly com-
mences a slow dance, the principle feature of
which is the offering of a frozen shoulder of mut-
ton at the feet of the ambitious outsider. This cere-
mony is known as Giving the Cold Shoulder.
These customs seem primitive and brutal to us,
but actually they are simple and terribly effective.
54
 How to Make People Dislike You Instantly
It is the personal touch which is used with best re-
sults in enemy making. The instant you let a com-
pliment slip your lips you have made a friend.

People are like china. They look beautiful, but

if you examine them closely you can find flaws.
When you turn on the heat, they crack.
How to Make a Poor
First Impression
 CHAPTER THREE

HOW TO MAKE A POOR FIRST

IMPRESSION

KEEP a snarl on your face !"

I ran across
wading alone through
startling phrase while
this

the desolate areas of a Sunday paper one blister-

ing day late in July. There I was, alone in a jungle
of words, not an intelligent statement within miles
of me, as I thought, and suddenly this gem stood
out in front of me like a sober delegate to an Amer-
ican Legion Convention. Its author was an old
tiger, not an ordinary tiger, in fact, he was a De-
troit Tiger, but I have never forgotten his story.
Like a Western Union envelope, it had a message.
The Tiger's name was Baisonne Balls. "I had
been married for over ten years," Mr. Balls wrote,
"and in all that time I had been smiling at my wife,
59
 How to Lose Friends
smiling at the people on the street, smiling at my
professional associates. I was one of the worst
Pollyannas who ever escaped being a master of
ceremonies. And I reaped my harvest in a never-
ending succession of invitations which took up so
much of my time that my own dog bit me every
time I showed up at home.
"One morning, while combing my hair, I looked
at my smiling face in the mirror and felt a sudden,
overwhelming rush of affection for myself. Then
I erased the smile and adopted a sour, Supreme-
Court-Justice expression. The effect was instan-
taneous. I hated the sight of myself. Then and
there I decided that if such a simple change had
such an effect upon me it would have an even
greater one on other people.
"That very morning at breakfast I greeted my
wife with a snarl she bounced away from me as
;

though shot and immediately produced the first

unburned piece of toast I had had in two months.
I snarled at the maid and she ran like an Italian
regiment, returning in ten minutes with hot muf-
fins, steak, and marmalade, in place of the usual

cold mush, warmed-over coffee, and prunes.

"As I left for the ball park, I greeted the eleva-
tor boy with a bark like a seal's and we shot down-
60
 How to Make a Poor First Impression

stairs without a single stop. Friends approached

me on the street expecting my smile and got a
snap. Soon everyone was snarling back at me. The
friendly invitations stopped with miraculous sud-
denness. My evenings became my own. This
changed attitude of mine brought more peace and
privacy and happiness to my life than I had known
in ten years !"

Keep a snarl on your lips!

How often have I repeated that phrase to my-
self and others since then ! It is the opening gun
to your offensive — and if you want to lose friends
and alienate people you've got to be offensive !

Your first impression upon others is your best op-

portunity to make others decide that they don't
like you. Never make the mistake of going about
with a smile on your face If you do you're going
!

to get more and phone calls than a

invitations
nature-lover has mosquito bites. Let your features
radiate biliousness Let your face fairly shout that
!

you are suffering from a combination of sour

stomach, gastric ulcers, and broken arches !

You don't feel like snarling, you say ? Well,

then, force yourself to snarl. Think of things that

61
 How to Lose Friends
turn the corners of your mouth down. Think of
Nicholas Murray Butler Think of the Arch-
!

bishop of Canterbury !Think of Father Cough-

lin! Think of Mrs. Stanley Baldwin If those !

thoughts don't make you want to snarl, then I'm a

three-toed sloth from the Bronx !

Charles Schwab once said his smile had been

worth a million dollars. Perhaps so, but J. Pier-
pont Morgan the elder made a lot more than Mr.
Schwab and a smile on his face was as rare as a
virgin in Hollywood.
Don't make your snarl a superficial, half-
hearted, insincere snarl. People will recognize in-
stantly that you don't mean it and they'll break
through your temporary armor. Snarl as though
someone had just stepped in front of you in a
stamp window line. Snarl as if you were reading
a Hearst editorial. But whatever you do, snarl!
Like the zipper, a smile can be your undoing.

A retired policeman once told me that he had

often seen creatures that were half fowl and half
animal.
"Why, that's absurd!" I exclaimed. "You
know that it is genealogically impossible for the
62
 How to Make a Poor First Impression
sperm of an animal to unite with the egg of a
!"
fowl
old ex-guardian of the peace looked
The wise
at me. "Well," he said, "did you ever see a yellow
rat that didn'tshow a white feather ?"
Every time I meet someone I think of this joke.
It makes me snarl better than anything I know of.

I think the happiest man I ever knew was an old

Chinese coolie in far off Tibet. I met him there
while conducting a week-end course for a group
of local businessmen who had cabled me to come
and help them, and since it was only half way
round the world I had come. Those men sat and
listened to me talk for fourteen hours straight and
when I finally stopped they fired questions at me
for ten hours more. They could not believe what I
told them. They had thought that everyone smiled,
that it was necessary to smile. They had never
heard of a sneer or a snarl before. And when it was
all over, the Grand Llama, a man two feet high,

but possessed of immense power — they call him

the strongest two foot ruler in the world — came
to me with tears in his eyes and thanked me for
teaching him how to deal with people who insist

63
 How to Lose Friends
on slapping you on the back and shouting, "Well,
?"
it's a great day for the race, hey ?" "What race

"The human race Wah-haw-haw-haw !"

!

Think of that —
the Grand Llama of Tibet, the
powerful ruler of a country where strong measures
are required, a man who had been educated at
Harvard, Oxford and the Folies Bergere, yet he
had never learned how to deal with one of the
worst pests since the boll weevil

But to get back to the old coolie, the happiest

man I ever knew. He had bitten off the heads of
eighteen wives and had just acquired a nineteenth
whose head he expected to bite off very soon if she
continued to place his slippers in the closet "where
they belong" and not under the bed where he
could get at them easily. This old coolie could snap
a friend's head off at fifty paces. He had a snarling
facial expression that could halt a Fuller Brush
man at a hundred yards. And he lived alone, un-
bothered by friends, with enough time to read the
books he had always intended to read and time to
fix that leaky faucet he had always planned to fix.
Yet, basically, this old coolie had a heart of gold.
He had simply learned how to throw the bullion.
64
 How to Make a Poor First Impression
The heathen Chinese are a wise lot. They have
proverbs to guide them for every occasion. I am
going to quote a few :

Respect thy sire. Desire is the father of all

things, including thyself.
J
Tis no better to have the world at thy feet, prod-
ding thy corns, than to have it on thy shoul-
ders, inspecting thy dandruff.
Most wars have been started by those who were
fighting for peace.
A perpetual smile is like a For Rent sign on a
house. All is vacant behind the outward sign.
He who wisheth to attain comfort and happi-
ness must be like a cat and a ball of yarn —
full of snarls.

So, if you really want people to dislike you upon

first sight

Snarl
Don't Forget to Forget Names
 CHAPTER FOUR

DON'T FORGET TO FORGET NAMES

NEXT
man's name
a
on the house, boys !"
to the phrase "It's
is to him the sweetest, most

important sound in the English language. If you

can distort it, twist it, change it somehow you need
never worry about having that man pound you on
the back each time you meet and suggesting, "How
about lunch together ?"
If his name is Thompson call him Thomas ; if

Fischer call him Fish. You'll be

it's as popular as
Margaret Sanger in Italy.
It is said that Jim Farley can call 50,000 people
by their first names. It is also said that John D. M.
Hamilton can call just as many persons by their
given names. But who wants to be a Postmaster-
69
 How to Lose Friends
General and have to spend his waking hours being
photographed at race tracks and cornerstones ?
And who wants to be a National Chairman of a
political party which can't even get its followers
jobs as Minister to Ecuador or page boy in the
Senate ?
Anyone can remember names ; jew of us have
the courage to call them.

A number of years ago I owned a share of com-

mon stock in U. S. Steel and was very anxious to
see the company merged with Gossard, Inc. I felt
that to have these two great companies battling
with each other was stupid and uneconomic, so I
attended the very next stockholders' meeting and
waited my chance. When President William A.
Irvin had finished reading the annual report and
asked if there were any suggestions, I arose.
"Willie," I said, congratulating myself upon
remembering his first name, "I think we ought to
grab off some of Gossard's corset steel business
and the best way to do it is to merge."
"Who are you ?" said Mr. Irvin.
"Why, I'm one of your stockholders, Will," I
replied, still smiling.
"Well, I'm Mister Irvin, the President of your
70
 Don't Forget to Forget Friends
company he returned. "Meeting adjourned !"
!"

I never forgot that incident. It taught me a les-

son. The very next day I sold my share of U. S.
Steel. That was in October, 1929. Could a little
thing like remembering a man's first name have
started the greatest stock market crash in the
world's history ? Perhaps we shall never know.

If you insist upon remembering names you're

going to run into trouble every time you walk
down the Some of us have developed this to
street.
the point where we can pass a stranger on the
street, pause, and say "Why, hello, Mr. Joseph
:

E. McGillicuddy of 134 East Mantle Place,

Apartment 23 A—how have you been since that
evening we met at Ellen Arnold's house in East
Troy, Ohio six years ago ? Did your wife ever get
over that cat bite on her left ankle ? And how is
your cattle exporting business —
still working on

that southwestern Argentina account you men-

tioned to me ?"

Of course, Mr. McGillicuddy's face lights up

like a hitch-hiker's at thesound of a brake squeal.
He hasn't the slightest notion what your name is,
but he is so tickled that anyone should remember
his that before you know it you are invited out to

71
 How to Lose Friends
his house to dinner and have been told that if you
ever want a cowhide he can get one for you whole-
sale. And there you are, embroiled in another

friendship in which you have about as much inter-

est as you do in the political policies of Outer
Mongolia.
Such entanglements can be avoided with a little
conscious effort on your part. Suppose you do pass
Mr. McGillicuddy and recall his name and where
you met him and everything, but don't want to
renew a friendship with a person you remember
as being extraordinarily unexciting. Then let Mr.
McGillicuddy stop you and make the advances.
Let blank bewilderment register on your face,
followed by the dawn of sudden recognition.
—
"Why, hello there Tom Andrews where did you
come from !" you say. Mr. McGillicuddy, hurt
and taken back, will reply, "Sorry, but my name
is McGillicuddy —we met at a mutual friend's
house a few years ago, remember ?" Now it is your
turn to add another thrust. "Of course! —
how
stupid of me I remember you distinctly
! —
you're
the man who sells more Cadillacs than anyone in
eastern Pennsylvania How are you ?" This will
!

just about clinch the whole farce for Mr. Mc-

Gillicuddy, wounded beyond measure that his
72
 Don't Forget to Forget Friends
personality made so little impression upon you,
won't feel much like inviting you out to dinner or
getting you a cowhide at wholesale price. In an-
other minute you will have both shaken hands,
tipped your hats, said good-bye, and that will be
the last you'll ever see or hear of Mr. McGilli-
cuddy.

Each time I am introduced to a stranger I make

it a point to say to myself, "This man looks as dull
as my razor blade after my wife gets through us-
ing it. If I remember his name I'm apt to get in-
volved in a boresome friendship. I must forget his
name." My technique is simple. I always try to
cough as his name is being pronounced. Then, dur-
ing the conversation which follows, I keep repeat-
ing to myself all the various names I can think of
— DuPont, Roosevelt, Friedmann, O'Malley,
Smith, Tannenbaum, Warfleld, Windsor, Aunt
Bessie, Bolitho, Hearst, Davies so that within —
a few minutes I have only a vague notion of the
man's name and who he is. When I get home I
write down all the thoughts that come into my
head — beautiful night . . . rain . . . snow. cold
. .

. . . woman . . . cat . . . he . . she . . . what a shame

73
 How to Lose Friends
. . .need a bath . . Dr. ScholVs
. feet hurt . .
—
and this completes the erasure. By the time I go to
sleep I might just as well have been dead drunk
when I was introduced to the man.
Whenever you sit down to address an envelope,
ask yourself, "Now, how can I distort this name
so that this will be the last letter I'll have to send

to this address ?" There are lots of possibilities. I

was once introduced to a rather portly social
climber named Mrs. Gladys H. Hipps who
wanted me to attend a dinner for her son-in-law,
Alfred Bertram Hind. It was a simple matter to
address a note to Gladys Haas Hipps and A. B.
:

Hind. I never heard from her again.

August Belcher, President of the Burp Brew-

ery Company, once told me he was never bothered
by more than one call from an insurance salesman.
"I make it a point," he said, "never to remember
the man's name, to get the name of his company
confused, and to do everything I can to make him
feel like the second honorary vice-president of a
literary club."

74
 Don't Forget to Forget Friends
Most everyone has a nickname that he or she
Find out what it is and use it. Soon you'll
dislikes.
find that you aren't meeting that person as fre-
quently as you used to. Grade school nicknames
are best and always bring down the house at
it will
any gathering if you can reveal the previously un-
known fact that your host or hostess used to be
known as "fish-eyes" or "fat" or "dough-face".
Usually you need never worry about another in-
vitation to that house.

At which you have attended

social gatherings
with reluctance you may lay the foundations of
some very choice enmities with the following tac-
tics : ."Miss Teeples, I want you to meet Mr.
. .

Asa Borman . What ? Oh, I'm so sorry I

. . !

thought all along you were the famous author !

Miss Teeples, this is Mr. Uh-ah- what was that

name, please ? —
Mr. Bilton I thought I was in- !

troducing you to one of our most interesting per-

sonalities, Miss Teeples, but Mr. Bilton is a sales-
man or something like that ... So stupid of me,
you know !"
If you happen to know anyone who has changed
his name for one reason or other don't fail to con-
75
 How to Lose Friends
sistently address him by his real name and call the
others' attention to it. There are lots of Greens
and Burns who won't feel a warm rush of grati-
tude if you call them Greenberg and Burnbaum.
After all, why shouldn't you ? If you were an Ice-
berg you wouldn't change your name to Ice. And
if you were a Heeley you wouldn't want to be

known as a Heel.

A prominent business man once said, "It's the

little touches in life that count." If you can't re-
member a man's name he'll seldom bother you with
a touch.

The soundest advice I ever had given me was

proffered by the editor of my home town news-
paper when I was a lad of 18 and just learning
how to write a news story without working on it.
"My boy," he said, hiccuping slightly, "always
get names in your stories. See that picture over
there ?" He pointed to a colored calendar print of
September Morn. "That was hot stuff when I was
younger, but it's dead now. Why ? Because she
hasn't any name. If September Morn were defi-
76
 Don't Forget to Forget Friends
nitely known to be Gladys Hermann of East
Omaha, Nebraska, shewould have been news for
the rest of her life, with perhaps a national cele-
bration and a nation-wide hook-up on her 75th
birthday. Always remember, names make nudes f*
I never forgot that advice.
How to Bore Bores
 CHAPTER FIVE

HOW TO BORE BORES

AMOS N. NANDY, president of the Neva-

Droop Wire Fence Company, ("Millions
For Defence, Not One Cent For Repairs") once
told me of the struggles he had in getting started.
"Everyone told me I was crazy," he said. "They
told me fences had always been made of wood and
always would be, they told me Lincoln had gotten
his start splitting rails for fences and he hadn't
done so badly. So one day I said to myself, 'Nandy,
why don't you take stock of yourself V
"I took stock immediately and found two
toothpicks, four books of matches, a note from my
wife telling me to bring home some rice from the
store, two theatre ticket stubs, and a month old

81
 How to Lose Friends
dachshund puppy. And as I was sitting there re-
flecting, there was a blinding flash, like a side-
show barker's stickpin, and from out of a cloud
appeared a beautiful woman bearing a sign with
the word 'Loveliness'. It was the first vision of
Loveliness I had ever seen.
"The vision cleared her throat and straightened
the seams of her stockings. 'Want to buy a
diamond ring cheap V she asked, 'I've got to leave
town tonight.' I shook my head. 'O. K.,' she said,
'but here's something for you from the boss.' She
handed me a curiously engraved gilt ash tray with
the Statue of Liberty on one side. Then there was
another blinding flash and she disappeared some-
where over the Public Library, traveling like a
bat out of hell.

"I examined the ash tray and made out these

words :

Be a wise old awl —bore the other person!"

(At this point I had to shoot Mr. Nandy to
keep him from telling me any more about his early
struggles. He had taken up two hours of my
time.)

Perhaps you aren't a salesman trying to sell

82
 How to Bore Bores
something to someone, somehow. But the rule is

just as good for social intercourse as for business

relations.Bore the other person before he bores
you ! Carry along a photograph album wherever
you go. When you meet a friend, pull it out and
start describing your trip to Europe or through
the White Mountains or out West. The only per-
son I have ever met who showed the slighest inter-
est in my trips was an old friend of my father's.
I talked to him for three hours straight one after-
noon on a street corner and told him of every flat
tire, every bit of gorgeous scenery, every route we
had taken, and every route he should follow if he
wished to take a similar trip through the Pacific
Northwest. Still it didn't seem to bore him.
Finally, when I was as hoarse as a cracked loud-
speaker, he shook my hand and said, "I can't tell
you how grateful I am to have you talk to me like
this. No one ever talks to me. You see I've been

stone deaf for years." I disposed of his body in a

sack of quick lime underneath a culvert.

If you have a child or two at home, play them

and their sayings for all they're worth. Carry
around dozens of snapshots and whip them out of
83
 How to Lose Friends
your inside coat pocket the instant you meet a
person. Show the one of Bobby eating dirt in his
playpen —the little rascal —
and tell what he said
when you told him he shouldn't eat dirt because it
would make him sick. Show the snapshot of Bobby
and Baby Jean together in their little swim suits
taken one day at the beach and tell how Jeanie
poured sand on all the chicken sandwiches and you
couldn't punish her because she said, "But Daddy,
I'm putting on salt like Mummy does when she
makes sandwiches !" After six of these pictures
and twenty of their bright sayings your friend is
going to look hurriedly at his watch and leave you
at a gallop.
Describe your bridge hands in detail and an-
alyze your missteps to persons. Tell of your recent
illness("I had been to a movie the night before
and woke up feeling a little dizzy the next morn-
ing but thought it was just my stomach I went ;

ahead with my work all day, feeling worse every

hour; then I came home and went to bed at 8 ;

p. m. Martha called the doctor and he took one

look at me and said" .) Tell with faithful
. . .

thoroughness, the plot of the movie or play you

have just seen. (This applies equally well to
books, stories, etc. ) Relate your experiences
. . .

84
 How to Bore Bores
in trying to find a new carpet of just the right
shade for the living room.

If you are a woman talking to a man, tell him

about the pattern you are following in the dress
you are making, the number of yards it took to
make a slip cover for the davenport, the prices of
meats and vegetables . . .

If you are a man talking to a woman, tell about

the queer noise in your car and how you suspect it

to be the fishing gear clashing with the torque

tube, of the golf match which you won by a point
last week (hole by hole description, remember),
of the current trends in solving the international
gold problem, of the hunting trip you are plan-
ning.

I was reading a little book the other night. It

was called "What Is This Thing Called Life ?"
by Sir Kew Lation.
"Oh, I've heard about that book I've read it !"
!

you are shouting.

Well, shut up until I finish the story anyhow.
What I want to do is quote a passage, to reprint
85
 How to Lose Friends
a few of the most exquisite and thoughtful lines
I have ever read :

LIFE
Life is but a jest
Man is only clay,
Let us do our best
Day after day after day
For me that holds a lesson. I hope it does for
you, too. Write it on a slip of paper and carry it

about with you. Read it to your friends. Read it

to them a second time. Make a habit of reading
from little scraps of paper to friends.

Bess R. Hart is probably America's leading

juvenile fiction writer. She can write a short story
almost as fast as Kathleen Norris can turn out a
novel. Today she gets as much as $50 for a single
short story in her spare time. Yet
had no easy she
start in life. When she left Nebraska for New
York it was mid-winter. She had only a Model T
Ford. It was barely daylight and the temperature
was 48 below zero. Think of that 48 below zero! !

That's almost as cold as a bathroom floor But to !

continue. The Ford had been standing out all

night. There was no alcohol in the radiator. The
86
 How to Bore Bores
spark plugs were coated with carbon. Do you
think Bess R. Hart had an easy start of it ? Not
on your life !

Like an armless sight-seer, there's not much

point to this story, but I do wish all of you could
read the story of Bess Hart's life. Send $1.50 plus
ten cents in stamps to the Salvation Army or to the
Fund For Homeless Hoboes. It doesn't matter
which. Whichever you do it will be a poor stunt.
So remember :

If you can't bear a person — bore him

Your Conversation — Watch It!
 CHAPTER SIX

YOUR CONVERSATION— WATCH IT !

RECENTLY I was invited to a bridge party.

Personally I don't play bridge, and there was
a blonde there who didn't play bridge either. Ah,
you say, what a perfect set-up But it wasn't that
!

kind of a party.
As we sat down on the sofa, I readily saw
through her. She had just returned from a trip to
Yellowstone Park and she was itching to tell some-
one all about it. I was just as eager not to be told
about it.
"You've just come back from Yellowstone ?" I
commenced rapidly. "Really, is it still there ? I
thought they'd torn the place down years ago. Do
they still keep those mangy pet bears by the road-
91
 How to Lose Friends
side ? Are those ancient steam boilers still able to
raise the geysers above the ground every hour ?"
She grew slightly red. "Why, what do you
mean ?" she asked.

"Of course," I continued, "you know the whole

Park's a fake, don't you ? There hasn't been a
naturally active geyser there since the days of
Little Egypt — they gave out one winter while
the Park was and the Government secretly
closed
installed underground boilers with time clocks and
pressure gauges. Naturally, they didn't want to
lose the enormous revenue the Park brings to the
Park Service each year."
"I don't believe a word of it !" she stormed.
"Why, I never heard of such a thing !"
"Of I'm only telling you what the di-
course,
vorced wife of a former Park Superintendent told
me," I replied quietly and with an injured tone.
We conversed for several minutes longer, then she
begged to be excused and I was left alone with the
entire evening to devote to my favorite game,
solitaire.
Naturally I was talking rubbish, but it served
its purpose. If I hadn't invented this fantastic tale

about Yellowstone Park I should have spent three

straight hours listening to her describe everything
92
 Your Conversation — Watch It!
from the marvelous colors of the rocks to the feel-
ing of insignificance and the renewed belief in
God which Nature's bounteous wonders had re-
created in her.

Most people like to talk. But they don't want

to hear you talk. They want to be listened to. Can
you imagine Alexander Woollcott listening ten
seconds to anyone ? The gist of the thing is don't —
let yourself get cornered by a "good conversation-

alist". This type is death to life. They are eager,

willing, and able to talk on anything from the
marijuana weed to pituitary troubles and the un-
published verse of Spencer. To outwit a good con-
versationalist you must be as resourceful as a side-
show barker, for there are different kinds of con-
versationalists just as there are various kinds of
cats, torn, tabby and holy.
If you can use your sense of humor you can
discourage most anyone who monopolizes a con-
versation. The jokester seizes every opportunity
to pick up a word or phrase of the speaker and
wisecrack about it. He detracts from the story
being told, smashes the continuity of thought,
creates a laugh where a tear was meant, and is al-
93
 How to Lose Friends
most the most relentless foe the good conversa-
tionalist has.

Here are some illustrations :

Mr. Barber "It was pitch dark and the bed

:

was hard as marble. Suddenly I heard a movement

behind me and then something cold as steel pressed
against the middle of my back — "
Jokester : "Gracious your wife must have cold
!"
feet
All : Ha Ha Ha ! ! !

Mr. Barber "I have just been reading Edith

:

Wharton's fascinating book The Age Of In-

nocence which you recall was followed by
" —
Jokester "The Call of the Wild?"
:

All : Ha Ha Ha ! ! !

A most excellent way to trip up a good conver-

sationalist is to pick up some thread from that
which he is relating and launch into a personal
narrative own. Personal experiences
of your
should never be short. Commence them something
like this :

94
 Your Conversation — Watch It!
"Let me see, it was on a Tuesday — no,
it was

Wednesday. Or was it Tuesday ? No, I think it

was Wednesday because I remember distinctly
having told Harry not to leave the car out. Well,
anyway I set out all alone — no, I wasn't alone or
was I ? Let me think if it was Wednesday, then I
;

must have been alone, because on Wednesday

Lucille has to stay at home and get lunch."

Talk about some of your physical troubles.

Describe the terrible rash you had the summer of
1927. Tell of the boil you had under your arm.
(Relate graphically all details of drainage of
pus.) Tell of the friend who was covered with
sores from head to foot, and of the time you had an
ulcerated tooth. Few things will disinterest a
gathering faster and bring a quicker hush to the
conversation.
Always keep uppermost in your mind the
thought that you must monopolize the conversa-
tion or you are lost. I can never forget the terrible
duel I once had with an old gentleman to whom I
was introduced at a small party. The old man
started out hardly before the sound of my name
had died out.
"So you have just returned from California ?"

95
 How to Lose Friends
he inquired. "I remember California well. I went
there shortly after theGold Rush and made a
strike. Then I made another one " —
"Were you a baseball player ?"I asked, but he
ignored this and I could see that wisecracking
would be lost upon him. Waiting for a suitable
thread in his talk, I soon seized one.
"You mentioned the pet canary you once had
to warn you of the presence of gas in your mine,"
I interrupted. "Did I ever tell you what my three
year old son said when I asked him why he liked
to hear our canary sing ?"
"I have a grandson just the same age," the old
gentleman burst doggedly regaining the reins.
in,

"I shall never forget the time he asked me why

automobiles ran backwards."
"The automobile is a hobby of mine !" I shouted,
"I have had twenty- three different cars starting
with the Stanley Steamer, and next month I in-
tended to ." . .

"The Stanley Steamer was the greatest car

ever made !" he cried. "The principle of the steam
car, according to most engineers, is still the sound-
est . .
."

And so we went, back and forth, for hours. The

old gentleman had been every place I had been,
96
 Your Conversation — Watch It!
he had read everything I had read, and for every
experience I had had, he had at least one its equal.
But was two a. m., every-
at last I caught him. It
one had gone home, our hostess was sound asleep.
". . you were speaking of Port Said," I said
.

hoarsely, loosening my necktie. My coat and vest

had long ago been dropped to the floor. My oppo-
nent was down to his underwear, but still going
my experiences with
strong. "I shall never forget
the women of that city." And suddenly I realized
I had the old fellow. He began to look blankly at
me and an expression of disbelief and fear came
into his eyes. Poor chap He had been so busy all
!

his life traveling and reading and studying that he

had forgotten about the opposite sex. He had no
stories or experiences about them whatsoever At !

three A.M. he looked at me pleadingly, whimpered

ever so slightly then put on his coat and hat and
left. It was the hardest fought victory I had ever

attained. Had I not persisted he would have held

me for hours with his endless talk, and finally left
with a warm invitation to go to dinner with him
on the following Tuesday. As it was, he left town
the next day and a month later I heard that he had
been shot by a policeman while trying to climb the
wall of a convent somewhere in Indiana.
97
 How to Lose Friends
A well-told story about your host or hostess is

always a good thing to have on tap. Commence

know you won't mind if I tell about
with, "Jane, I
the time you were at Gettysburg and asked the
guide where Paul Revere had made his ride." Or
"Mr. Gresham, our host, I know won't care if I
relate how he asked a New York policeman
whether the subway was really trustworthy, and
the policeman replied, 'Well, mister, there's only
2,000,000 people a day been riding on them things
"
for 10 years, so I'd go cautious-like.'

If you want to make people shun you here is the

recipe : Never listen to anyone else longer than
two minutes. Talk about yourself. If you get an
idea while the other person is talking, don't wait
for him to finish. Everyone is interested in himself
and you are no exception. See that others get a
99% dose of you and a 1% chance to broadcast
themselves.

The Hindenburg exploded because it carried

hydrogen. People will do the same if you release
your hot air in one blast.
/ Would Like to Have You
Meet Some Friends
 CHAPTER SEVEN

"I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE YOU

MEET SOME FRIENDS"

THE snarl, as I have told you, is still the most

effective way of keeping an introduction at
the nodding acquaintance stage, and I could go
on for many more pages telling you about my
experiences with snarls. However, as the inebri-
ated Irishman said as he stared unsteadily at his
first zebra, "That's a horse of another color !"

What we need now is to consider that casual

over-the-phone invitation from the person whom
you met at someone else's house. ( "I wonder if you
could spend an evening with us on Tuesday ?
We're having some friends in and I'm terribly
anxious to have you meet them.")
The average person, unless well trained in the
101
 How to Lose Friends
art of alienating, is unable to think fast enough
to get out of such a situation. He
knows he will
have a dull time, that his hostess is dull and her
friends are more than likely to be of the same
calibre. So he says, "Why, yes, I'd like to very
much. Thank you for the invitation." And im-
mediately he regrets it. There is one thing left for
him to do —
make himself so heartily unpopular
at the party that he will never again receive such
an invitation from this person.
The dreaded evening arrives. You ring your
She greets you with outstretched hand
hostess' bell.
and you slap her resoundingly on the buttocks.
Surprised, she retreats a step and you slap her
again with a loud, "Sister, you've got something
there ! How're you !"

The next step isyour introduction to the room-

ful of guests. As your hostess starts to introduce
you to them one by wave deprecatingly and
one,
shout, "Don't bother !remember any of
I won't
thenames !" Clasp both hands together and shake
them above your head in a prizefighter-entering-
the-ring manner, crying, "Howdy, folks !"
If drinks are being served, make directly for
them, retiring to a corner with your glass and
cocking your feet on an extra chair or stretching
102
I Would Like to Have You Meet Some Friends
out on the davenport with loud sighs and grunts
of satisfaction. If a man, loosen your vest.
Other arrivals will be brought over to be in-

troduced to you, but don't rise. If it's a woman who

isbeing introduced, reach out a hand and say,
"Toss us your flipper, kiddo I go for your kind !"
!

If a man, grunt, "How'reya ?"

it's

Many little mannerisms may be deliberately cul-

tivated and counted upon to chill your hostess
through and through. Awell cultivated snuffle
is always good and may be used frequently. Sim-

ilarly, if you hawk your throat loudly from time

to time it will help the general reaction. Bring a

nail file and work on your nails. Chew gum and
stick the wad underneath the nearest table. Set
your wet glass down on the handiest polished sur-
face. Comb your hair. Knit. Find a newspaper or
magazine to bury yourself in. I have a friend who,
at such gatherings, always brings a bagful of stock-
ings and old underwear to darn and mend. She
hasn't been invited to the same place for a second
visit in more than 100 invitations.

Of course you can't stay in your chair or on

your sofa indefinitely. When you get up to stretch
your legs, yawn loudly and look at your watch.
This time you may break in upon little groups and,
103
 How to Lose Friends
when you are introduced with a "Mr. Michaelson,
have you met Mr. Train ?" you reply, "No, but
I suppose I'll have to Haw Haw Haw !"
! ! !

Whereupon you offer him a bone-crushing hand-

shake that brings him to his knees with a yell of
pain. ( It is very easy to buy mechanical grip-de-
velopers at most any sporting goods-store, and a
little practice at home will soon give you a grip that
will make even a Rotarian wince.) Of course,
there's another type of grip equally antagonizing
to others. This is known as the "dead fish grip."
If you are fortunate enough to perspire freely in
your hands then this is even better than the
knuckle-cracking grip. A
moist, limp hand has
gained more than one man his social freedom.
If you are a specialist in some field or other
connected with the human body you have a dis-
tinct advantage over the average person trying
to alienate people.For example, I know a throat
specialist who, when involved in a party, always
uses an approach something like this "Good eve- :

ning, Mrs. Stuffy, you'll pardon my asking, I

hope, but have you always talked through your
nose ?"
"Why — why what do you mean, Doctor ?"
"May I look at your throat an instant ? Profes-
104
I Would Like to Have You Meet Some Friends
you understand
sional interest, thank you — ! . . .

H-m-m-m-m Very interesting Ver-ee, ver-ee

! !

!"
interesting
"What's the matter ? Is something wrong with
my throat ?"
"Nothing to be alarmed about, Mrs. Stuffy, I
assure you. It's just that you have a very badly
diseased pair of adenoids. You see, we usually find
such conditions among the lower classes or among
those not quite up to normal mental par. I remem-
ber the case of a half-witted boy —"
When in front of the entire gathering, which
usually halts all conversation as it realizes what
is going on, this method can be extraordinarily
effective. I have another friend, a dermatologist,
who has made more hosts grind their teeth by pro-
fessionally inspecting "a bad case of dandruff"
or "an interesting facial eruption" than most of
us could have done in three times the number of
identical situations.However, all of us can't be
dentists, or dermatologists or oculists. If you are,
be thankful.

Did you ever give a thought to your voice and

speech and how they could be used to further your
ends ? There are several ways you can use them to
105
 How to Lose Friends
alter your friends' interest in you. For instance,
the man or woman who lisps is a pain to everyone.
It is up to you, when entering a roomful of
strangers, to say, "I'm tho glad to meeth you.
Ithn't it thimply divine here ?" Then follow thith
up with a thickening theries of lithping then-
tenthes. But you muthn't forget to maintain your
lithp all evening.
room and see what kind of a
Practice in your
voiceyou can develop. No one likes a high, squeak-
ing pipe in a man. Nor do they enjoy hearing a
gutteral rasp from a woman. Make your voice rise
above all others. Make it a file upon the nerves of
all present.
The stroking approach is always a sound one.
As you talk with a host, hostess, or guest, fondle
his lapel orplay with her dress doo-dads. Stroke
her shoulder, smooth her hand. Place your arm
about him or her in an affectionate manner. Chuck
your friend under the chin. Place a cold hand on
a bare back, or a moist one on an already moist
neck, with the exclamation, "Did you ever feel
such cold hands !" or "Say, is it hot today !" When
they commence acting like a skittish horse you'll
know you have succeeded.
If there is a radio in the room you are in luck.
106
I Would Like to Have You Meet Some Friends
Sit down before it and tune in whatever program
suits you. It is best to choose a talking comedy pro-
gram. Shush anyone who talks during the dia-
logue. Laugh loudly at the jokes and inquire of
everyone, "Isn't that a scream !" W. C. Fields'
program is especially good for this purpose. Last
winter my wife was driven to distraction by cock-
roaches. We tried every known method to get rid
of them. The apartment was spotlessly clean. The
building was new. Yet nothing seemed to work.
Finally, one night I tuned in W. C. Fields at full
strength and left him on for the entire hour. Next
day all the cockroaches had vanished.

Just because you have accepted an invitation

doesn't mean that you're forever after to be a
friend of that person. If you're smart, the first
visit will be the last.

If you make it a long evening for your hostess

it will be a short acquaintance for you.
How to Discourage
Overnight Guests
 CHAPTER EIGHT

HOW TO DISCOURAGE OVERNIGHT

GUESTS

WE have all

quaintances
faced the problem of the ac-
whom we "haven't seen in
who have "just arrived in town," who "can't
ages,"
stay but a minute," and who want to know "the
name of a good hotel." Most of us consider our-
selves very fortunate if these friends aren't still

occupying the guest room or the studio couch a

week later. The problem of discouraging the unex-
pected out-of-town guest is a serious and big one.
A close friend of mine in Boston once told me
a story about some acquaintances who dropped in
upon him and his wife one summer evening, hav-
ing motored all the way from the Midwest. They
were given a lukewarm welcome, since it was quite
111
 How to Lose Friends
obvious that they expected to be invited to spend
the night. My friend was equally determined that
they should not.
"We commenced our conversation about 7:30
p.m., " my friend wrote me afterwards, "Soon we
had exhausted all the more obvious topics, includ-
ing our sinus and hay fever troubles and the way
the laundry starches shirts. By 11:30 they were
still there and still uninvited to spend the night.

I was resolved that I should not weaken. I com-

menced reading the stock market quotations aloud
from the financial page, and when I had finished
this I got out all of the letters I had received for
three years from my mother-in-law and read them
aloud. Still they stayed, apparently unable to be-
lieve that Iwouldn't ask them to stay the night.
"By daybreak we were dead tired, but I had
gotten halfway through reading them Bartlett's
Familiar Quotations. Nothing had been said about
eating during all this period. I commenced telling
of the fish I had caught the previous summer, giv-
ing all details and insisting that they take down
the location of the trout streams and the highways
by which they might be reached. When I had fin-
ished this my wife took up the burden by launching
into a complex description of the pattern she was

112
 How to Discourage Overnight Guests
cutting out for a new afternoon dress. I followed
it by getting out all our gas and electric bill re-

ceipts for the past ten years and comparing them

aloud.
"By evening I could see that our uninvited ac-
quaintances were beginning to weaken and that
the first flicker of doubt as to their welcomeness in
our home was commencing to cloud their minds.
The struggle commenced its second 24 hour period
with my reading the entire evening paper aloud,
from classified advertisements to weather fore-
cast.
"Exactly 72 hours after their arrival I turned
on the radio and tuned in a talk on dirt farming
and its history. This was more than even these
hardened just-dropped-in guests could stand.
They rose uncertainly to their feet. My wife and
I remained in our seats, trembling with weariness,
but knowing that one false gesture of friendliness
on our part would send them tumbling back into
their chairs. They stood there for ten long minutes,
looking uncertainly at us, an expression of dying
hope fixed on their faces. Then they left. We never
saw them again."
There is a lesson in this for all of us. Most of us
would have taken the easiest course and given up
113
 How to Lose Friends
after 36 hours. This man was determined that his
house should not become a tourists' home such as
other friends had found theirs had become. He
knew that he invited this couple in to spend the
if

night that they had friends who had other friends

who in turn had friends until, like rabbits multi-
plying in a hutch, he would soon find his house a
nightly stopping place for the nation. He knew
thatit was worth the loss of three nights of sleep

and 72 hours of boredom to maintain his point.

Never let would-be overnight guests feel that
they are in the slightest degree welcome. Overnight
guests, like hoboes, have secret chalk marks which
they place upon the curbing of your street upon
leaving your home so as to indicate to other out-
of-town guests just what the chances are of bed
and board. It is up to you to be your own air-con-
ditioning apparatus and put a chill in the air that
will freeze out all but the most insensitive.
As early as possible in your conversation intro-
duce with a sigh, "Oh, we've been intending to
buy a bed for our guest room ever since we moved
here, but somehow we never seem to get around
to it" or "We'll never buy a studio couch again —
ours is the hardest one built since the World War."
If the would-be guest comes back with, "Oh, we've
114
 How to Discourage Overnight Guests
!"
slepton plenty of floors in our time and loved it
you should counter with, "Do you know, we've
been troubled with rats ever since we moved here.
They come out at night and we can hear them
scampering around —
particularly in the guest
room and living room. There must be millions of
them !"

If this fails to discourage them then it is up to

you to give them a night that they will remember.
Let them sleep on the floor. If it is winter, fail to
give them sufficient blankets if summer, see that
;

the windows can't be opened. Make sure that both

the kitchen and bathroom faucets drip steadily
all night. Take turns with your wife in getting up

at half -hour intervals to stumble into your guest's

room and turn on the ceiling light for "something
I forgot —
sorry." Make sure that you have a clock
which ticks loudly and strikes the quarter hours.
If you have a dog, see that he gets into their room
early in the morning and frolics about. Keep the
radio going full blast until the last station signs
off at night. Then see that it is turned on again in
the morning to catch the earliest setting-up exer-
cises. By all means, do not offer your guests break-
fast, but explain that you haven't a bit of bread,
butter, milk, coffee, sugar, cream or fruit in the

115
 How to Lose Friends
house. If you follow these instructions carefully
your guests should leave shortly after arising in
the morning, unable to get back home fast enough
to tell about the awful night they spent with you.

Anyone can be a charming host or hostess. It

takes a real artist to convince most people that you
haven't the vaguest interest in having them as your
overnight guests.
The Personal Remark
 CHAPTER NINE

THE PERSONAL REMARK

WHEN is
well directed, the personal remark
a dancing partner
like —
the person you
are with turns against you. For the average con-
versation it is a deadly weapon, even more effective
than looking at one's watch, or saying, "Please
excuse me — what was that you said?" If you
really wish a Limburger Personality, then use the
personal remark.

There are a number of remarks which one may

use upon meeting a person whom one hasn't seen

119
 How to Lose Friends
for some time and isn't particularly anxious to see
now. What's wrong with the following expressions
and questions ? Nothing, if one is endeavoring to
make ice instead of break it
"Hello, Josephine Haven't you a new hat ? I
!

like it so much better than that one you've been

wearing for ages !"

"Why, Bill Norton — how are you ! You know,

I thought of you just yesterday when I saw a
Mickey Mouse cartoon There was a rat in it
!

that reminded me so much of you !"

"Grace Fenton — greetings ! It's been so long

since we've seen each other ! You had onions for
lunch, didn't you !"

"Nice-looking suit you have on, Neilson ! Mind

my asking how much you paid for it ? Thirty-five ?

That's too bad — they're selling the same thing

down at Scrumski's for twenty !"

"Well, June Miller I hardly recognized you

!

you've gained somuch weight !"

"My, but you're dressed up ! New dress, new

120
 The Personal Remark
shoes, new gloves Did you make
! that dress ? And
those shoes look so big and comfortable !"

"Glad I ran across you, Watson Can you give!

me the name of that dentist who tried to straighten

those teeth of yours ? I've been trying to help out
a friend whose jaw is deformed the same way !"

"Oh, hello, Shirley ! I haven't seen you since

that night we had the double date with Ed Haw-
kins and Lee Filbert. Have you seen Lee since ?
He's been practically living at our house 1"

No matter where you are conversation offers

endless opportunities for the personal remark. Get
into the habit of asking your friends how much
they paid for this, how much their rent costs them,
what their doctor's bill was, how large their month-
ly payment is on their car, etc.

When I first commenced my series of courses

on Human Relations up to a Certain Point and
How to Keep Them at That Point, I gave a course
in The Personal Insult and How to Give It. I had
a class of some 30 men and women and I deliber-
ately started it with a formal banquet. Remember,

121
 How to Lose Friends
itwas the first night of the course no one knew
;

anyone else all they knew was that I was their

;

instructor.
I let the fruit cocktail pass without comment,
then I commenced inserting a remark here and
there :

"Miss Bergen, that's a most interesting wen

you have on your neck. I used to have one in al-
most the same spot, but had it removed by elec-
tric treatment."
Miss Bergen flushed and said nothing.
"Mr. Patrick, I see you only shave once a day,
and then you do just what I do —
you always miss
the whiskers on the adam's apple !" Mr. Patrick
choked on his salad.
"Mrs. Taylor, I suppose you really have to wear
such thick glasses, but I should like to have seen
you when you were a girl —
I'll bet you were

popular then I"

"Miss Epstein, you'll pardon me, but is that a
natural bust, or are you wearing one of those new
padded brassieres ?"
So it went. By the time dinner had ended I was
talking to the angriest bunch you ever saw. After-
wards, they all came around to tell me what a
tremendous success the first session had been ;

122
 The Personal Remark
then they all up and one by one gave me a
lined
punch in the nose. It was a splendid tribute, but,
to save my face, I was forced to discontinue the
course soon after.
Doyou shudder every time you hear the tele-
phone ring ? Does it mean a "Can't you come
over ?" or a "Are you free on Tuesday night next
week?"
Lincoln was never troubled by people calling
him on the phone. Neither was Napoleon. Two
of the greatest heroes in the world's history, yet
they knew what happiness really was. True, the
telephone hadn't been invented in their day, but
isn't that beside the point ? Isn't the real point
caught in these immortal lines of Burne -Woods ?

The Ring
I never knew
How sweet life was
Before the invention
Of that Goddam buzz !

When the phone rings, grasp the receiver firmly

in your hand speak as though you meant it
;

"Hello? Oh, it's you, Mrs. Waddle—your

123
 How to Lose Friends
voice sounded so unnatural, not like you at all —
!"
it's so clear and soft

"Hello ? Yes, this is Jim Hadden. What ? Yes

. . . What was that ? . Yes. Yes
. . What's . . .

that ? I can't hear you Yes. What ?

! . . . . . .

Hello ! You say you want me to come over Wed-

nesday — What ? Yes What ?" (If continued
. . .

for fifteen minutes the other person will bite his

or her receiver in half.

"Mr. Hadden speaking Mrs. Twuhog ? Yes !

indeed, Mrs. Twuhog, I remember you you —

were the person who sat next to me at the Sother-
by's dinner and needed the fresh henna rinse so
badly. Of course I remember you !"

And then, of course, the evening's visit to some-

one house offers perfect chances for the per-
else's
sonal remark. Be lavish with such as these :

"My that's a lovely piece of Hepplewhite you

have ! They do make such clever imitations these
days I"

124
 The Personal Remark
"I used to be terribly fond of Currier & Ives
prints, too, and then everyone started hanging
them in their rooms !"

"I wonder how this room would look without

that chandelier ?"
"Gracious, it seems good to see velvet drapes
again ! I haven't seen any for years !"

Look upon life as a duel and yourself as a dual

personality. The quicker you draw blood in a con-
versation, the sooner your opponent will cry,
"Enough!"
Dining Out For the Last Time
 CHAPTER TEN

DINING OUT FOR THE LAST TIME

FEW tions
of us have never received dinner invita-
which we wanted to accept about as
badly as the Dionnes need advice on fecundity.
The point is most of us accept such things as an
unavoidable part of the inviolable order of things,
like a toothache or Jack Benny, and actually set

number of evenings during the year

aside a certain
which we can count upon as being total losses inso-
far as any constructive or entertainment value is
concerned.
Dinners are one of the mediums for
easiest
alienating distasteful friendships of any that exist.
Let us suppose you are a guest at a table which
you suspect will be nothing but a social ordeal. All
129
 How to Lose Friends
right, the timecomes to enter the dining room. It
isyour first cue in the drama of Dining Out For
the Last Time.
You rush avidly into the room with a starved
look and seat yourself at the nearest chair. You
tuck the napkin underneath your chin and sit there
wiping your knife and fork with it, drumming im-
patiently. You ask the hostess, "Got anything
good tonight ?"

The food is served and you start pecking at your

plate. If you don't you scrape it off
like a dish
onto your butter plate, with some such remark
as, "It upsets my stummick !" or "I have terrible

pains if I eat asparagus !" If you have wine with

the meal, you gulp a mouthful, then make a face.
"I guess be a long time before we get decent
it'll

wines in this country !" is an appropriate remark

to accompany such a gesture.
At some point in the meal you lean over and
whisper to your hostess, "You know, I don't think
these potatoes are quite done !" or "I wonder if
the Hollandaise shouldn't have a mite more butter
in it ?" In the end, you peck at everything and eat
nothing. Few things enrage a hostess more than
(

this.) If a second helping is urged, you reply, "No

thank you, one is enough !"

130
 Dining Out for the Last Time
Of course, the above procedure may be varied
in this manner Eat voraciously and have your
:

plate cleaned almost before anyone else has

started. Then lean back in your chair and belch
loudly. Belching is a habit that must be practiced
at home if you wish to attain any degree of suc-
cess. Few things are more impressive or effective
than a belch which echoes back and forth between
the walls like a shout in the Mammoth Cave. The
present day ideal of teaching children that a belch
is disgusting and discourteous is, next to the sight
of a woman pulling her girdle down, one of the
most heathenish features of our civilization.
When still quite young, a favorite uncle of mine
used to dine at our house with great regularity.
One of the pleasantest memories of my childhood
is the picture of Uncle Toby leaning far back in
his chair after a meal, placing his thumbs in his
vest pockets, waiting until everyone at the table
was still and expectant, and then belching until
every cat in the block howled.
When the maid approaches you for a second
helping you may say, "Kid, I'm so full I'd blow
up Hindenburg if I was to eat that !" On
like the
the other hand, if you really feel like a second por-
tion and no gesture is made towards offering it,
131
 How to Lose Friends
shout jovially at your hostess, "Hey, sister, are
we on a fast tonight ? How about another slice
of that dead horse of yours ?"
If your fork has inadvertently been misplaced
or forgotten, carry it off with a dash. Get up from
your chair and start crawling around the dining
room on hands and knees. Very soon the hostess
will ask what is the matter and you can reply with
a hearty laugh, "You've hidden my fork some-
place and I was just looking for it !" This will
serve to call her attention to the absence of the
implement.
For some reason most hostesses dislike to have
you mark upon their tablecloths. This should be
a red flag to you. Try to remember to bring along
a heavy, soft pencil and get into a discussion with
your neighbor at the table. Then illustrate the dis-
cussion with tablecloth diagrams. (Discussions of
house plans or geographical locations are excel-
lent for the purpose.)
Helen Highwater, the famous Washington cor-
respondent, told me that she once illustrated in lip-
stick, on a hostess's tablecloth, the pattern of a
sweater she was knitting. Her hostess stood it

through the first six rows of the featherstitch pat-

tern, but when she began to draw the double moss
132
 Dining Out for the Last Time
stitch on her linen, the hostess stood up with a yell
like a bargain hunter's and broke the salad bowl
over Helen's head. Helen lay unconscious for
eight weeks, but since she would have only covered
the doings of Congress during that period, it didn't
matter. What did matter was that she was never
given another invitation to that person's table.

Management of Certain Foods

The technique you employ in handling certain

foods is highly important in alienating your
hostess. For various edibles different methods are
necessary. Let's look at some of them.
Olives — Always pop the whole olive into the
mouth and blow the stone out with great force.
If you can, get the others to join you and
make a game of it in which everyone blows
olive pits at each other.
Soup — If it's hot (and who ever heard of soup
that wasn't ?) don't hesitate to grab your

lips with some exclamation as "Judas H.

Priest ! It's hotter than Mae West
If you !"

like to drinkyour soup don't be timid about

doing so, blowing into the liquid and making
that pleasant low, burbling sound such as is
133
 How to Lose Friends
used to indicate a rippling stream over the
radio.
Meat — No matter how good the meat is and how
well done, pretend it's tough. It will always
make you bring along a child's minia-
a hit if

ture saw and commence hacking away at your

portion with it.

Corn-on-the-Cob — Eat with gusto and abandon,

grasping the cob in both hands and tearing
down the rows as though you were ten min-
utes late to your own wedding. Once you start
on a cob never stop until you have cleaned it
smoother than a bathing beauty's thigh. Then
toss the cob over your shoulder and reach for
the next.
Oranges — All juicy fruits should be eaten with
loud, sucking noises.

Do you really, sincerely, deep-down-in-your-

heart want to offend your host or hostess ? Then
memorize these mannerisms and practice as many
of them as possible at your next dull dinner.
Offer your neighbor a taste of your food from
your fork or spoon, with the accompanying re-
mark, "Does this taste funny to you, too ?"
134
 Dining Out for the Last Time
Insist upon discussing such subjects as seasick-
ness, slaughterhouse methods, sewage disposal
plants, corpses, operations, etc.
Remark to your hostess, "Aren't you afraid
that eating so much bread will make you fat ?"
When a food is offered to you which you dislike,
give one of the following excuses "I can't hold
:

it on my stummick —
it comes right up !" or "It

makes me break out in a rash !" or "I get all bloated

if I eat it !" or "I keep tasting it for hours after-
wards !"

Whendrinking coffee or tea, hold it in your

mouth a few minutes, washing it about as though
it were a mouthwash.
Wait until the stickiest, messiest dish is served,
then upset it. Don't apologize, but remark bright-

ly* "Well, I guess accidents will happen !"

Pick your teeth with your finger and suck
loudly as you extract particles of food from the
crevices. If you have false teeth it may give you
more comfort if you remove them when the demi-
tasse is served and let them soak awhile in your
water glass.

So it goes. Dinners, dinners, dinners, but you

135
 How to Lose Friends
can be rid of all of them ifyou so desire. Boring
dinner invitations are like wet swimming suits —
they can be gotten out of very easily.
The Friendly Traveler
 CHAPTER ELEVEN

THE FRIENDLY TRAVELER

HAVE
man
you ever been in a hotel lobby, a Pull-
seat, or room and run
a ship's smoking
across the person who sits down beside you and
remarks, "Well, we have good weather for the
trip Going the whole way or are you getting off
!

at — ?" If
you reply to him, he immediately at-
taches himself to you for the rest of the trip and
any preplanned rest and relaxation of yours is
gone like a hat on a windy day. How does one get
rid of these traveling leeches, found in every
country and at all times of the year ?
Some lines and railways are now attempting to
aid the person who wishes to travel by placing life-
like dummies in their ticket office waiting rooms.

139
 How to Lose Friends
When a person attempts to introduce himself to
one of the dummies with one of the customary in-
troductions ("I see you are going to Minneapolis,
too. I have a cousin there who is head of one of
the largest " — "Your first trip across the
. . .

old pond ? Ha Ha I'll never forget mine. It was

! !

in the summer of —
" ) it breaks an invisible violet
ray which releases a carrier pigeon which flies to
the Immigration Bureau in Washington, D. C,
where it is captured and a note recommending de-
nial of passage or accommodations to this person
is filed for reference ; the Immigration Bureau
then closes for the week-end. Weeks later the jan-
nosing around the desks for cigarettes, comes
itor,
upon the note and immediately wirelesses the
U. South Seas and or-
S. S. Indianapolis* in the
ders her to proceed to Railway, New Jersey under
forced draft. Immediately upon arrival in Rail-
way, having stopped at Havana to take aboard a
cargo of empty Coca Cola bottles, the Captain of
the Indianapolis lands a force of marines who pro-
ceed at forced draft to the nearest saloon. There,
under forced draft, they proceed to get cockeyed,
finally getting around to the ticket office where the

*Janitors in the service of the U. S. Gov't, have the authority to do

this under Section 1, Item 2, Page 3, Par. 4, Vol. 2, of the Rent-Due
Bill.

140
 The Friendly Traveler
little group inquires gruffly what's
leader of the
wanted and who's insulted the flag of the United
States ! By this time, of course, the management
has forgotten all about the incident, so the marines,
after probing all the stuffed chairs and old ladies
sitting about, depart with flags flying and band
playing. This is just one of the many hundreds of
unseen, unsung services offered by our transpor-
tation lines in conjunction with the U. S. Govern-
ment. (Send for free illustrated catalogue en-
titled, Where the Taxpayer's Money Goes and

How!)
On the whole, however, the majority of com-
panies who offer transportation facilities treat
these pest-travelers as they do normal human be-
ings. As a result you find them in all classes of
accommodations. It is up to the individual traveler
to get rid of them, although I understand that
the State Department is now working on a recip-
rocal pest agreement with Finland which will limit
such travelers to the forward holds of each ship,
with shuffleboard and deck tennis privileges on
rainy days.
It is always possible, when such a person at-
tempts to introduce himself to you on a train or
ship, to point to your mouth and ears and then make

141
 How to Lose Friends
finger signs, indicating that you are deaf and
dumb. This self-imposed silence is difficult to main-
tain, however, especially when you catch your toe
on those brass-bound steps on the stairway leading
down to the ship's dining room or when the wash-
room door of the Pullman has been locked for
two hours.
It is a well-known fact that wild ducks always
fly in flocks and are sworn to protect each other
from any old bird who tries to engage them in con-
versation. It is believed that the extreme flying

speed of the wild duck is largely due to this per-

fectly natural desire to escape from other birds
going their way who have been that way before
and are eager to tell all about it.
A friend of mine always scrapes his wrist raw
then daubs it with iodine before commencing a trip.
When a would-be conversationalist sits down be-
side him and commences talking, my friend con-
verses with him for a few minutes. Then he casu-
ally exposes his wrist and the ugly-looking spot
there, saying, with a little laugh, "I'm glad you
aren't squeamish about such things. Where I
picked this up I don't know, and it's certainly a
job getting it cured !" Once, however, my friend
encountered a man who was actually suffering
142
 The Friendly Traveler
from such a disease and was extremely glad to
find some one else with whom he could talk about
it. My friend was forced to leave the boat and hide

in a floating oil drum for days until he was finally

accosted by a man from Palo Alto, California
who was swimming past and stopped to inquire
whether this was his first trip across and then told
how he remembered his own first voyage which
occurred in 1897 and — my friend drowned him
slowly and went on his way alone.
It is always possible to say, "I'm sorry, but this
seat is taken," or "Do you mind — my Aunt has
just stepped into the ladies room for a second."
This, of course, is not so plausible when one is

standing at a rail or washing his hands in the

washroom.
I have known a man who always kneels in prayer
when approached by a person of this sort and asks
the person whether they would care to join him
in a few words of thanks. This usually frightens
away all but the hardiest, although every now and
then he gets caught by a really devout person.
Once he had to pray for an hour and thirty-five
minutes straight before the pest groaned, stag-
gered to his feet, and reeled off in a semi-paralyzed
condition as a result of the kneeling.
143
 How to Lose Friends
It is convenient to be conversant with a few
phrases in some oriental or remote language which
the average person is not apt to know. When ad-
dressed by a stranger, one can reply in a dismay-
ing jabber which discourages the approacher.

In the Spring of 1910 I took a trip around the

world and was seized upon by one of these travel-
ing pests shortly after we lost sight of land. I
escaped from him after 18 hours and fled to the
coal bunkers where I spent the rest of the Atlantic
crossing. However, just as we docked at Gibraltar
he discovered me again and I ran for the crow's
nest. Here he unearthed me in short order, so I
left the ship at Naples and took a fast express to
Vienna, then cut across the Balkans on camel
back. I had not been on my swaying, jolting beast
more than a day when one of the camels came
alongside, smiled and with a slight cough intro-
duced himself and asked if I were going the entire
way across the Balkans and whether it were my
first trip. Something about the camel's voice made

me suspicious. I looked closer. Sure enough, it

was the pest from the boat, disguised as a beast of
burden Shortly after that he removed his dis-
!

guise and we rejoined the ship at Athens. I locked

144
 The Friendly Traveler
myself in my cabin and for the rest of the voyage
he hammered regularly on my door at half hour
intervals and inquired as to whether this was my
first voyage around the world and whether we

weren't having splendid weather for the trip. I

didn't get to see the world, but I did get around it.

There is one final alternative in this pest-

traveler business. One can always, when the pest
commences his good natured little speech of intro-
duction, rise to his feet and say, Yes, this is my
first trip I don't know where I'm going I only
; ;

know that I want to be alone for the duration of

this excursion ; I am not in the slightest interested
in where you come from, the persons you know in
my city, your experiences in travel, or your rec-
ommendations for the best things to do if I get
train-sick, car-sick, or seasick I have been known
!

to become very savage when aroused, and if you

don't leave my vicinity within ten seconds I shan't
be responsible for anything that may happen to
you !"

And the gentleman will probably laugh and

slap his leg and bellow, "Friend, I can see you're
just my type — a great sense of humor !We're
going to get along swell on this trip and I'm
145
 How to Lose Friends
going to see that we eat at the same table Is this
!

your first —
?" Some people use belaying pins ly-

ing nearby on the deck others use just teeth, nails,

;

and fists.

Travel is broadening ; most travelers are bor-

ing. Watch out

14G
Always Turn a Conversation
Into an Argument
 CHAPTER TWELVE

ALWAYS TURN A CONVERSATION

INTO AN ARGUMENT

HOW can I make myself as popular with my

friends as a fish market on a hot day ?"
writes L. Widdem of Murphysboro, W. Va. Well,
Mr. Widdem did you ever try turning your con-
versations into arguments until you got the person
you were arguing with so mad he walked off in a
huff? And do you realize that good, first-class

huffs aren't so easy to find in these days of trained

personalities ? I'veknown men to wander among
their friends for weeks before they could pick up
a good male huff. Of course, female huffs are
much easier to obtain.

There is no feeling in the world more stimu-

149
 How to Lose Friends
lating than to leave a person, saying to yourself,
"Well, I guess I told that guy a few things !"

Mark Hanna, or Lincoln, or someone once

said : "The essence of folly is acquiescence !"

Suppose a friend drops in to call on you. It is

one of your busiest days and you wish to get rid
of this person with all possible speed. Why not
follow this procedure ?

HE : "By George, it's hot out today ! The

Times-Press said was up to 93 at 2 o'clock !"
it

YOU "You must be mistaken I read the

:
—
Times-Press and it said it was only 89 by 2 p.m."
HE (laughing) "I'm afraid you're mistaken,
:

old boy I'm positive it was 93 because my grand-

!

mother is only a year younger than that and I re-

member thinking of her at the time I read the
Times-Press."
YOU "I'm afraid I've got you this time, old
:

fellow I remember it was 89 because that's the

!

number of payments I've got left on my car. Be-

sides, I'm always pretty careful about statistics —
in college they used to call me Accurate Abie !"
HE : (indignantly) "Well, I know the fellow
150
Always Turn a Conversation Into an Argument
who writes up the daily weather story in the Times-
Press and I always follow it with unusual inter-
est I know it was 93 today because the thermom-
!

eter at our place said 96 and it's always three de-

grees off !"
YOU : "Listen ! I've got a trick thermometer
that a friend gave me which rings a bell every time
itgoes below 32 or gets above 89 ! The bell didn't
!"
ring today and I can prove it
HE : (starting forward in chair) "Why, you're
the same as calling me a liar ! Do you suppose I
can't read !"

YOU "Well, sometimes I wonder

:
!"

HE (rising) "Well, that's the way you feel

if

about it — Good-bye !"

Almost identical results have been obtained by

some of my pupils with opposite tactics. They use
the word "definitely" every other sentence and
agree with everything the other person says. After
ten minutes of hearing you say "Oh, definitely !"
and "Definitely so !" to all his remarks, the other
person usually begins to see carnation red or iris
purple. I do not advise everyone to adopt this
method of antagonizing their friends for I have
heard of several cases where users of the word
151
 How to Lose Friends
''definitely" have been severely beaten and left

for dead.
When you enter a small gathering, try to size
up the group and determine their political stand.
If, after listening quietly for a few minutes, you
decide it is an all-capitalistic group, then launch
into a spirited defense of current labor policies
and make indignant protests against the "dirty
money changers." On the other hand, if you find it
is a left wing gathering, then make some uncom-

plimentary remark about the "lousy strikers."

I have never been able to determine which group
fires up more quickly. Left wingers are so univer-

sally without a sense of humor that any little dig

at their heroes or policies, no matter how prepos-
terous, is like waving a bunch of golden rod at a
hay fever victim. And capitalistic defenders are
so thoroughly convinced that the American form
of government is God-given and the only practical
one in the world's history that they will snap-like
a Morgan at an income tax blank when any state-
ment is made against it.
Let me cite a few provocative "opening guns"
good enough to start a first class argument in va-
rious types of gatherings :

152
Always Turn a Conversation Into an Argument
"Did you ever see such drivel in your life as
Mrs. Roosevelt's daily column ! Who in the world
!"
ever reads that sort of thing
or
"Did you read Mrs. Roosevelt today ? I think
she has about the best column of any that's being
syndicated — it's so interesting !"

"If I had my guy Lewis and

say, I'd take this
string him up All he's after is money and power,
!

and he doesn't give a rap about Labor !"

or
"I tell you, John L. Lewis is the first real leader
Labor has ever had He's going to put this move-
!

ment over and give the working people the first

square deal they've ever known, and if you can't
see that you're blind !"

"I don't think anyone has any business buying

anything unless they can pay for it This selling !

things on the installment plan is going to wreck

the country !"

"We can't stay out of it if there's another Euro-

pean war And there isn't one of us that's got the
!

courage to be a pacifist when it comes right down

153
 How to Lose Friends
to being mixed up in another scrap ! Not one of
us

"People who keep dogs in the city ought to

have something done to their heads !"

"I believe in equal rights and all that, but no

one can tell me that any woman can handle a big-
time executive position as capably as a man !"

And don't neglect the religious or racial angles

when you're trying to get someone into an argu-
ment One little statement such as "The idea of
!

kow-towing to the Pope —

a mere man who's no
better than you or I !" or "Hitler is O.K. in his
anti-semitic stuff ! If we had some of that in this
country we'd be a lot better off !" can spread the
right person's nostrils quicker than a blow of the
fist. Only be careful that you don't start such quar-
rels with someone bigger than yourself ! Remem-
ber the immortal lines :

Here lies the body of Thomas Miner

He won his argument from Billy Miner
Tommy was smarter and mentally quicker,
But Billy was taller and his biceps were thicker
154
Always Turn a Conversation Into an Argument
Last year I walked into the office of Patrick J.
Goudy. Now "Pat" Goudy is a famous man. He
is the only one in our history to receive $25 for in-

formation leading to the arrest and conviction of

anyone defacing the interior of an elevator. I
wanted very badly to sell my course to Pat Goudy,
but I knew I would have to use something differ-
ent from the usual sales approach. Somewhere I
had heard that Pat Goudy had once been a profes-
sional prize-fighter and possessed a terrific tem-
per.
"Hello, you damn fool !" I cried as I breezed
into his office. "You look like hell !" He stared at
me as startled as though I had caught him looking
at a French post card in his desk drawer.
"What's that!" he bristled.
"I said you look like a dead cat that's been drift-
ing about in a well for two weeks I shouted. "And
!

if I couldn't turn out a better volume of business

!"
than you do, I'd sell out
He gulped and then commenced to grin as he
rose slowly and began to peel off his coat.
When I walked out of Pat Goudy's office I had
two black eyes and had lost a front tooth, but I
had sold two of my courses and had his check in
advance. Just because I had remembered that this
155
 How to Lose Friends
man had once been a boxer and was probably itch-
ing for a good scrap, I had sold just twice the
number of courses to him that I had expected. I
had given him minutes of a pleasure that
fifteen
he hadn't known in years, and today it has become
a sentimental custom for me to receive a bop on
the beezer from Pat Goudy at the conclusion of
each course.

Start an argument and make an enemy. Make

an enemy and lose a friend. Lose a friend and gain
some time to yourself.
Everybody Wants Sympathy
 CHAPTER THIRTEEN

EVERYBODY WANTS SYMPATHY !

EVERYBODY wants sympathy and the

temptation to give it is strong. Very strong.
In fact, it's almost as strong as the temptation to
spit whenever you lean out of a high window.
Don't give in to this temptation. If you do you
won't cut those ties which are binding vou so
tightly to other people's bridge and dinner tables.
What can you do, then ?
Well, here comes Ella Drips. Ella has just had
a wisdom tooth out and she is aching for sympathy.
She has spotted you from across the street and
she is making for you with all sails set.
Ella "I've just had a wisdom tooth out and the
:

novocain is wearing off It's terrible !"

!

159
 How to Lose Friends
You "I had four of them out last year."
:

Ella "The dentist said this was an especially

:

bad one —
he said he'd never had such a difficult
!"
time. He had to use forceps and a chisel
You "You
: should have joined the Christian
Scientists before you had it out —
there is no pain !

Ha Ha Ha
! ! !

Ella : "My whole head is aching !"

You "Reminds me
: of the Irishman who was
driven wild by the whistles of the trains that went
past his house. Claimed he had a toot-ache ! Ha !

Ha Ha
!
!"

Ella : me insane !"

"It's driving
You "That reminds me of the doctor who was
:

trying to describe some feebleminded patients to

an audience. 'Nuts to you !' " he said, "Ha Ha! !

Ha!"
According to normal reaction tests, it should
take only one more wisecrack of this type to send
Ella Drips on her way, and it will be some time
before she will feel very kindly towards you. Mean-
while, you can think up other means of keeping
her at a distance.

She wanted a soft shoulder to lean on and you

gave her a bony elbow. Let me repeat that. It's
160
 Everybody Wants Sympathy
the fundamental principle of alienating people
who want sympathy. I want you to get it.
She wanted a soft shoulder to lean on and you
gave her a bony elbow.
She wanted a soft shoulder to lean on and you
gave her a bony elbow.
She wanted a soft shoulder to lean on and you
gave her a bony elbow.
Ditto.
Ditto.
Do you get it now ? Perhaps I had better repeat
it once more. No, I won't. If you haven't grasped
itby this time you never will. Just remember that
you aren't to give sympathy to anyone at any time.

When a friend's shoelace breaks as he is fasten-

ing it — laugh !

When your opponent misses the putt that would

— laugh
give him the match, by a bare half- inch !

When an acquaintance over a rug or

trips slips
on a banana peel and lands painfully — laugh !

When a friend backs new car into a tree and

his
crumples up a fender — laugh J

When someone receives telegraphic word that

hisbank has just — laugh
failed !

161
 How to Lose Friends
When the girl you are with catches her stocking
and starts a run — laugh !

Shortly after the War I was a tweed surgeon.

It was my job to go about driving worms out of
old tweed coats, repairing tweeds which had gotten
caught in revolving doors, and trapping tweed
toads.
One day the members of the Surgeons Corp had
a dress inspection and old Sir Wearen Thin,
founder of the Tweed Surgeons, was inspecting.
Out of pure forgetfulness I had come to inspec-
tion on a one-wheeled bicycle with two Japs bal-
anced on my shoulders on a bamboo pole, both
holding knives in their teeth. Suddenly the pole
slipped and one of the Japs fell, cutting off both
my arms. You can imagine my embarrassment.
The big day of the year, Sir Wearen Thin there to
inspect the new recruits, and me with no arms
to salute. Never have I been more in need of
sympathy.
When he came to me, Sir Wearen Thin stopped.
"What's this ?" h e growled.
"It's Surgeon Tressler, Sir !" I mumbled, wish-
ing I could sink through the ground. He stared at
me a long minute, then snorted, "Well, I guess
you're 'armless !"

162
 Everybody Wants Sympathy
The entire Corps burst into a laugh and I could
have crawled away on my stomach. I fairly shook
with humiliation and rage. "I won't forget this I"
I screamed. Today I still feel a ripple of resent-
ment whenever I think of the incident, but it
taught me a lesson. I had expected a hot water
bottle of sympathy from Sir Wearen and he
slipped a piece of icy laughter down my neck.

It was U. S.-Argentine polo matches. I

in the
was riding left forward and Herbert Hoover was
holding down the right tackle position. Hoover
was only President of the United States in those
days and had yet to become famous as a director
of the New York Life Insurance Company. The
score was 32-31 in favor of the South American
team when I shot a long fast one to Hoover. If he
had taken it and run for a touchdown, or even slid
to second base it would have tied the score and sent
the match into an overtime chukker which we
could have won. But somehow Hoover missed the
ball and it caught him squarely in the stomach,
knocking the wind out of him. Then the cannon
boomed and the match was over and the U. S. had
lost. I dismounted and swam over to where Hoover

163
 How to Lose Friends
lay, near the 18th green. ''It looks," I said laugh-
ingly, "as though you had lost the game for the
good old U. S., doesn't it ?"
Today, whenever Mr. Hoover and I pass on the
street he never speaks to me.

Remember : When people expect you to give

them a soft shoulder to lean on, give them a bony
elbow. Do you get it, or shall I repeat it ?

164
If You're Wrong Don't Admit It
 CHAPTER FOURTEEN

IF YOU'RE WRONG DON'T ADMIT IT !

ONE night I was escorting my sister Jane

home from a church supper," writes B. A.
Link of West Keelsport, Pa., "when suddenly an
ugly looking customer stepped out of the dark-
ness and made a remark. Two months before I
would have pretended not to have heard and would
have said to my sister in a loud voice, 'What a
beautiful night But after taking your course in
!'

How To Lose Friends and Alienate People I

have increased my biceps three inches and added
two chins to my first. I was ready for this cad.
Quick as a flash I turned on him and felled him
with a single blow. He arose, whimpering like a
yellow dog, and feeling of his jaw. Then he said,
167
 How to Lose Friends
"Well, buddy, I guess you picked the wrong bully
thistime —I'm Officer 876 of the Night Squad !"
"What could I do ? If I admitted I was wrong
it would make me look like a weakling and a

coward. There was only one course left for me.

I sailed into him with both fists, crying, 'So I'm
wrong, am I V I got six months in jail for assault-
ing an officer, but I didn't admit I was wrong."
Good for you, Mr. Link Right you are ! !

Cheerio Only weaklings ever admit being wrong.

!

And a Jane is no stronger than her weakest Link !

What this country needs is more defenders and

fewer bent ones !

Some of the most beautiful lines ever written

are contained in a poem entitled The Song of the
Lark, composed by myself one hot afternoon in a
tub filled with cold water. Let me quote. ( Please !

Thanks.)

THE SONG OF THE LARK

The lark's a beautiful bird, he is
I love hear his song
to
But if he doesn't quit singing at 6 a. m.
He won't be singing long I
168
 If You re Wrong 'Don't Admit It
All of us like a good lark, but not the first thing
in the morning.

Next time you get cornered by an evening's ac-

quaintance start talking on some subject you
don't know anything about. When the other per-
son asks politely, "Are you certain that's true ?"
look insulted and flash back, "Why, of course
Do you think I don't know what I'm talking
about !" A
few more such statements and a few
more questions from your acquaintance, followed
by increasing indignation on your part, will cause
the other person to start edging towards the punch
bowl or ask the hostess whether there is anything
she can do to help.

Any fool can admit he's wrong and apologize,

but it takes genuine strength to stand up for what
one knows is wrong and be willing to fight for it.

A few years ago I had just returned from a trip

to Lima, Peru where I had flown on the tip that
a local theater was showing a newsreel without
any battleships in it (It was true, but to make up
for this unprecedented absence there were two
views of horse races and three different shots of
169
 How to Lose Friends
European soldiers playing at war games) There .

was a woman on the plane to whom I had been

making advances because I knew she would make
them if I didn't. (Just little advances, you under-
stand, not much bigger than the one I got on this
book.) Suddenly I made the statement that a
snake an amphibian. I knew instantly, of course,
is

that I was wrong, but I knew also that the last

thing I would do would be to admit it.
"Why, snakes aren't amphibians !" she laughed,
with an irritating sneer.
I thought for a long minute, then replied with
dignity. "Madam, do you think amphibian to
you ?" This made her so mad that she walked coolly
to the door of the plane and jumped out. (Forty
years ago she would have landed safely "because
she had on a light fall suit," but humor has pro-
gressed. ) Editor s note not much.
:

People ask the most foolish questions. It is for

you to answer them and stick by your answer. I
shall always remember an old professor who in-
quired of me how they could get automobiles into
those crates that one sees on board the decks of
freighters in news photos. "Why, yes," I re-
sponded, "they have enormous steel presses in all
automobile factories. When they know a car is

170
 If You're Wrong Dont Admit It I
scheduled for, say a tuberculosis sanitarium in
South Africa (foreign consumption, as it's some-
times called), they drive the car underneath the
press, the driver leaps out, and crunch In ten !

seconds the car reduced to the desired size." The

is

old professor looked at me skeptically for a

minute, then offered, "But, my dear sir, that
doesn't seem entirely logical. You are quite cer-
tain ?" I puffed up like an adder. "Naturally !" I
snapped, "I spent two years studying the auto-
mobile industry !" He left me a few minutes af-
terwards, taking backward glances and shaking
his head. I saw him whispering to someone else a
few minutes later and looking at me.

Paul Daub, the well known commercial artist

who does those beautiful toothpaste advertise-

ments on which street car and subway riders so de-
light to pencil a blackened tooth, used the "I'm
right — you're wrong technique" to score a victory
over a petulant client.
"It important, in making drawings of ladies
is

for advertising purposes, to see that three-f oUrths

of the lady is bare," said Mr. Daub as he told the
story.
"In this instance I had done a portrait of a girl

171
 How to Lose Friends
in a bathing suit for a company advertising copper
sulphate. Unfortunately I had drawn the girl so
that she looked as though she had a suit on instead
of leaving nothing to the imagination. I knew I
was wrong, yet I didn't have the time or inclination
to do the drawing over again. I delivered the
drawing to the art editor of the advertising com-
pany handling the job and started to leave. 'Just
a minute V he called out to me in an ugly voice,
'What kind of a girl do you call this ?' I looked him
straight in the eye. 'That's what I call a bathing
suit girl, don't you, friend ?' I snarled, leaning over
hisdesk so he could see my brass knuckles and the
bulge on my hip. He looked at me, then laughed.
'Can't you take a joke ?' he asked, 'Why of course
that's a bathing suit girl
!'
— one of the best you
ever did
"His eagerness to prove me wrong had disap-
peared and all because I had stood up for my
wrongs as though they were rights. He ended up
by taking me out to lunch and telling me never to
enter that office again."

General Robert E. Lee was a great tactician.

(A tactician is one who tacks up cheap prints of
Titian on his walls.) But Lee's opponent at
172
 If Your re Wrong Don't Admit It!

Gettysburg, Pickett, was smarter. He placed his

soldiers side by side with bayonets upheld, ( it was
known as Then he asked them
the Pickett fence) .

a question "Listen men

: he said jovially, "why
!"

are deceased philanthropists like people who try

to dress up to look like Hitler ?" He waited for
the reply, fairly dancing up and down in antici-
pation. Finally, an old sergeant lifted his grizzled
muzzle and said timidly, "Is it because, sir, be-
cause they're dead giveaways ?" This story so in-
furiated and aroused the men that they charged
the Lee Everyone knows what followed.
trenches.
How the Golden Gate bridge was opened. How
Texaco announced the new Marfak process. How
Marion Talley reduced to 107 pounds.
"Nonsense !" you are saying. "Absurd !" Non-
sense yourself I'm right and anybody who says
!

I'm not has got to fight me (unless they're over

5' 9" and weigh more than 160 pounds) I haven't
.

been wrong since I started giving these courses !

You may be wrong, but don't hesitate to use

your right to prove that you aren't

173
No One Wants to Be a Goat
 CHAPTER FIFTEEN

NO ONE WANTS TO BE A GOAT

THERE a famous
is

Sothern when he was about

story about E.
to marry Virginia
H.

Harned, his leading woman. Fellow members of

the cast decided to play a joke on her, so, shortly
before she was to go on and play a love scene with
her husband-to-be, one of the players whispered
to her that Sothern had a glass eye. Few people
knew about he said, and she wouldn't mind it
it,

after she grew accustomed to it. He followed up

his storyby showing her Sothern's dressing table
and the glass eye which the pranksters had placed
there a few minutes before. Five minutes later
Miss Harned, upset and very nervous, went on
for her love scene with Sothern the lines of which
177
 How to Lose Friends
she recited most mechanically as she tried desper-
ately to determine which one of her fiance's eyes
was glass.

The practical joke is the oldest of all jokes —

next to some of Eddie Cantor's. The early litera-
ture of England, France, and Italy is full of
practical jokers. So are their modern treaties.

Everyone likes a practical joke — on someone

else. If you can make yourself known as a prac-
tical prankster you'll be as popular as a wet dog
in a warm room.

Pull a chair out from underneath your hostess.

Offer an exploding cigar to your host.
Slip into the bathroom and substitute a cake of
soap which blackens your face when you use it.
Pass around a box of rubber chocolates.
Offer a pack of cigarettes which shoots a stream
of water into the other person's face.
Replace the table forks with forks which break
in half.
Pencil moustaches on the portraits in your
friends' houses.

178
 No One Wants to Be a Goat
Little attentions like these will go a long ways
toward unraveling friendships.

One of the best devices I ever saw was by A.

Mole, famed for his part in The Good Earth. Mr.
Mole was for many years the head of a company
manufacturing false teeth patterned after those
used by the Father Of Our Country and known
to the trade as The George Washington Bridge.
He was also very anxious to be elected President
of the National Dental Appliance Association of
Eastern Maryland. Finally, after many years of
being frustrated in this ambition, he had letters
sent out to all the members, announcing the an-
nual convention of the Association on an island in
Chesapeake Bay. When the week-end arrived and
allthe members had assembled at the shore, wait-
ing for a boat to take them to the island, they dis-
covered that was all a fake. At this moment Mr.
it

Mole drove up in a car, crying, "Gentlemen, I

welcome you to the first false tooth convention in
our history !" Everyone had a good laugh and Mr.
Mole is now living in Southern France, picking
imaginary pieces of lint off a blue serge suit and
muttering to himself, "It was a frustrate joke 1"
179
 How to Lose Friends
The golf course is a splendid place to nip the
buds of young friendships. At most any novelty
store, you can purchase a golf ball which is so
loaded that it won't putt straight. Substitute this
for your opponent's ball when he isn't looking.
Also, there are, I believe, golf balls which explode
upon being hit and drivers which split in two when
used. Are there bores in your club who insist upon
asking you to play with them ? Then wait until
one is reading a newspaper on the veranda some
afternoon and touch a match to the bottom of the
paper. Or, still better, buy the contrivance known
as theAuto Whiz Bang. It can be attached to the
spark plugs of any car and when the owner steps
on the starter there is a terrifying, high-pitched
whistle, a tremendous bang, and a dense cloud of
smoke rolls out from underneath the hood.
But don't feel that all practical jokes can be
purchased. To attain success in this world one
must work for it. Do you remember how you
worked your father for that new bicycle on the as-
surance that it would be so helpful in running to
the grocery store and doing errands ? The best
practical jokes with the most lasting effects take
the most thought and effort.

180
 No One Wants to Be a Goat
There is the tale of the young Hollywood
gentleman who had no great love for a friend of
his who was about to be married. Afew days be-
fore the event he got into the apartment where the
couple were to spend their wedding night and con-
cealed a microphone over the head of the bed. Then
he led the wire from the microphone to an adjoin-
ing apartment and on the proper night invited all
the friends of the couple in to listen before the
loudspeaker to which the wire was hooked.

Certain standbys are always good in the practi-

cal joke field. Few people, for instance, will fail
to be enraged by your sending out a group of
dinner invitations to a number of friends, inviting
them for such and such an evening to this person's
house. Most people, also, don't take kindly to any-
one who releases a box of cockroaches or mice in
their living room to entertain a party by trying to
catch them. (They seem to suspicion that not all
the creatures will be caught. ) Heat a quarter red
hot and place on your doorstep just before your
it

guests arrive. Paint the front door of some friend's

house a bright yellow, with washable paint. Place
a broken-backed chair (glued together) in your
181
 How to Lose Friends
living room. Offer sticks of laxative chewing gum.

I shall always remember the case of the Missouri

murderer who was about to be hanged. Just be-
fore his hands and feet were tied, he asked per-
mission of his executioner to wind the noose with
cotton batting so that it wouldn't hurt so much.
The executioner looked sternly at his victim.
"No," he replied, "This is a practical choke !"

Maybe that isn't funny, but you'd think it was

if Phil Baker were to broadcast it.

People are like cigars. They don't want to be-

come butts.

182
So You Live In A Suburb ?
 CHAPTER SIXTEEN

SO YOU LIVE IN A SUBURB ?

FEW years ago my wife and I moved to a

A
with
New York
all
suburb. We had a modern house
the latest conveniences and devices that
man has been able to invent — doors, roof, win-
dows, was a perfect dream of a house, the
etc. It

kind we had always hoped to live in some day. All

day long my wife went about her little nest hum-
ming "When My Dreams Come True." (Finally
I gave her ten dollars to shut up.) Yet, in spite of
having an ideal home and a beautiful suburb to
live in, we knew we should have no peace or quiet
if once we let ourselves in for the "neighborly

spirit."
The first person to ring our bell was the local
185
 How to Lose Friends
Methodist minister. I greeted him on all fours,
barking like a dog. I was fostering a new move-
ment, my wife explained, a Going-to-The-Dogs
Movement, which was about to sweep the coun-
try. It was based on the fact that our ancestors
had walked on all fours and the fact
originally
that I was a direct descendant of Rin Tin Tin on
my mother's side. My wife looked at the minister
and tapped her head threw
significantly as she
me a rubber bone, which I seized and took off to a
corner. "I'm afraid it's hereditary," she added
sighing and taking out a plug of tobacco which
she first offered to the pastor and followed by tak-
ing a mammoth bite herself. "My father always
chewed," she explained. "What was good enough
for him is good enough for me."
The minister stayed just long enough to warm
the chair, then he left and we were never troubled
by pastorly visits again.
Next day Mrs. Tellall, the neighborhood nosey,
rang the bell (we had been forewarned of her).
We graciously invited her into a living room bare
of chairs or places to sit of any kind. A
few pillows
were scattered about on the floor. In one corner a
pot of incense sent up a sickening stench. From
the center of the ceiling a giant Bermuda onion
186
 So You Live in a Suburb ?
was suspended by a red silk cord. ("The spirits of

my ancestors are contained in that," I explained

simply. "We are of the Vo De Deo religion.") We
seated ourselves crosslegged on the pillows and
invited Mrs. Tellall to do the same. She looked
skeptically at the pillow, then lowered herself with
a grunt. Suddenly my drumming
wife started
upon the floor and singing in the high monotonous
voice of a Chinese entertainer. I joined in, rising
slowly and commencing a weird halting shuffle
which grew faster and faster as the "music" in-
creased. Then I drew a kitchen knife from my
coat and made frenzied gestures in the air keeping
time to the music. Finally I directed my dance to-
wards Mrs. Tellall and commenced taking rhyth-
mic slashes at her head. She stood this for three
minutes and then leaped for the door. We
never
saw her again. And not once in the three years we
lived in that suburb were we ever bothered by
neighbors "dropping in" to call.
Of course, this is an extreme way of avoiding
being "accepted" by the neighborhood and you,
perhaps, will not find such measures necessary.
But anyone who has lived in a small town, city, or
suburb knows the time-destroying round of social
obligations you get into unless you take steps to

187
 How to Lose Friends
alienate your neighbors. One of the best ways to
accomplish the latter is to hold a party as soon as
you move in and invite as many of the neighbors
as your home will comfortably hold.
In the first place, your inviting them violates
the fundamental principle of the small commun-
ity They should do the inviting, not you. How-
:

ever, they will come, ears flapping and eyes gog-

gling, eager to pick any flaw in you and your home
they can find. This makes it all the easier.
Greet them at the door in a pretty advanced
state of simulated or real intoxication, announc-
ing,"... wife'n I thought we'd get a head start !"
However, don't offer drinks to any of your guests.
(Your drunkenness will stiffen the backs of the
Ladies Aid members and your failure to serve
drinks will antagonize those who would like to be
in your condition)
When everyone has been seated, pass around
little slips of paper and pencils and announce,

"... gonna' play a game !" Ask them to write

the names of ten cities in the United States. Then
ask them to write the names of three brands of
cigarettes and their mothers' first name. Collect
all the slips and pass them out in mixed up order.

Then ask each one to stand up and read his slip

188
 So You Live in a Suburb ?
aloud. If someone asks what the game is you say,
"Well, I guess I got sort ofmixed up. Ha Ha !" !

Now is the time to start the bridge tables. Get

everyone seated and the cards dealt. Then let some
one discover that there is a card missing. Im-
mediately the other tables will count their cards
and discover one missing from each deck. Laugh
and shrug your shoulders. "Well, I guess that's
that !" you say merrily.
By this time conversation will be harder to start
than a 1905 Oldsmobile, but as a host you must
keep things lively. Remark upon the terrible con-
dition of the streets and how sloppy the homes and
yards all look. Tell them about the last place you
lived in and how marvelous it was. Mention the
awful time you had getting your furniture moved
because none of the movers knew where Rockdale
was. Ask whose "simply awful" brick house that is
on the corner of such-and-such streets, making cer-
tain in advance that it belongs to the most socially
potent of your guests. If you serve food, serve
stale cakes and breads, bitter coffee, mouldy can-
dies, bad cigars sigh, "I'm afraid we're going to
;

have to do all our shopping over in Rosemond —

there doesn't seem to be a decent store around
here !"

189
 How to Lose Friends
And then there are other ways. Let your lawn
grow long and shaggy and keep your shades
drawn. A dog who barks at everyone walking past
will help. So will an extra loud radio (if you can
stand it) Burn soft coal in your furnace. Hold a
.

few wild parties with shrieking women and drunk-

en men becoming very sick in the street at a very
late hour, accompanied by raucous farewells, horn
tootings, and much racing of motors at 2 A. M. If
you can become known as "fast" you will have
pretty well isolated yourself from all advances and
eliminated the possibility of getting into the social
whirl of Rockdale. Most devotees of the "neigh-
borly spirit" in any community are conservative
and inclined to be strait-laced.
Some of the finest axe murders of our history
have been committed in the small community. Us-
ually the newspapers blame sex or imcompatibil-
ity or money, but this is absurd. Once one gets into
the routine of "We must have the Andersons over
Thursday night," and "Saturday we're going to
the Yardley's !" "Sunday I've invited the Berk-
!"
offs over because we've owed them for so long
there's nothing left but the axe. Many of the sub-
urban pastors, too, are more relentless than Scot-
land Yard men. I had a friend who, to dodge the
190
 So You Live in a Suburb ?
local pastor and his everlasting visits, lived very
happily and contentedly with his wife in an
abandoned Chalmers sedan on a remote dump
heap for two years. Finally, however, the pastor,
with the aid of a pack of bloodhounds and a com-
pass, tracked him down. My friend says he has
never heard anything quite like the inhuman cry
of exultation and triumph as that pastor let out
when he came over the brow of the dump heap and
peeked in through the window of the old sedan.
Of course my friend instantly brained the cleric
with a broken axle and put his body through a fine
meat grinder. His crime was discovered a year
later and he was tried before a local jury, but
every single man on the jury burst into a horse
laugh when the District Attorney asked for a
conviction. My friend was given a fine of $5.00
and requested not to use a meat grinder next time
because it set a bad example for the housewives of
the region who were already suspicious of the local
butcher's hamburger.

Neighbors are no different from bedbugs — it

takes time and patience to get rid of them.

191
Give The Dog A Bad Name
 CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

GIVE THE DOG A BAD NAME

ONE evening I was sitting at home reading an

advertisement which said :

Make Big Money ! Become A Railway

Mail Clerk And See The U. S. At Uncle Sam's
Expense
As I sat there, debating whether to give up my
courses and lectures and settle down to a decent
income (W. R. Ransom of San Antonio made
$1580 the first year) there was a knock on my
,

door. I opened it to find a neighbor who was the

particular friend of another neighbor, named Pot-
ter, about whom I cared even less.

"Come in Come ! in !" I enthused, "How are

you and how is Sam Potter ?"
195
 How to Lose Friends
He made the usual noncommital reply and we
conversed for a few minutes. Finally, leaning for-
ward slightly and looking around as though some-
one might overhear, I said, "Say, I heard some-
thing queer today about Potter hate to believe —
it,but it came from a reliable source. They say he's
a .
!" I raised my eyebrows and gave a signif-
. .

icant nod. My
neighbor bristled. "Nonsense !" he
said. "I've known Potter for ten years ; it's ab-
surd !" I shrugged my shoulders. "Well, of course,
you may know, but just the same, I have good
reason to believe in the truthfulness of the man
who told me. Then, too, I've often wondered why
he . . ."I went on to describe a few fictitious ob-
servations of Potter.
The neighbor who had come to call stayed only
15 minutes, then left with a curt "Goodnight !" I
had sown the A
few more such whispered
seed.
pieces of gossip would stamp me forever in his
mind as a talemongerer and one to be avoided.
Furthermore, he would relay it all on to Potter
and I would have killed two boring birds in one
zone.

Nothing estranges a person more rapidly than

196
 Give the Dog a Bad Name
to establish yourself as a Whispering Willie or a
Gossipy Gertie. People like to talk about them-
selves, but they don't want you to talk about them.

In 1890 a young woman by the name of Emily

Jane came to Chicago and started a dress shop. It
was a shop specializing in tailor-made garments
and catering especially to the wives of politicians
and butchers. ("You 11 Get Your Cut, All
Right I") All went well. Emily Jane's shop was
crowded with customers. Women were wild about
her creations.Then suddenly business fell off. No
one came to her shop. Emily Jane couldn't under-
stand it. Finally one day a friend told her a rival

store manager had spread the rumor that Emily

Jane's tailor-made dresses were made of poor
material and came unsnapped when you stooped
over. Everything was clear at last. Emily Jane
closed up her shop. "It's the old story," she sighed,
"give a tog a bad name !"

"Ridiculous you say, "Impossible !" Well,

!"

I'm only repeating what was told me in strictest

confidence. You may take it for what it is worth.

197
 How to Lose Friends
The raised eyebrow, the nudge, and the wink
accompanying a statement about a person can do
more than even the words themselves ("Gridley :

is spending the week-ends with Fallow's wife,

they say" or "I've heard she was divorced twice
before she married Alec" or "A very intimate
friend of mine was passing their house last night
and the shade in the living room wasn't pulled
and . ."). But one needn't restrict himself to
.

gossip concerning morals. Like a college football

coach, you can obtain your ends by various
methods.

Here are a few typical remarks which may be

casually used to build up your reputation :

"Don't repeat a word of this, but they say he

hasn't paid for his house or even his furniture !

And I understand his business isn't in any too

good a shape !"

"No one knows it, but she's had false teeth for
years. They're a perfect match !"

198
 Give the Dog a Bad Name
"They can't keep a maid more than a week be-
cause of his temper. I heard he bit off his wife's
little toe one night when in a rage."

"She's supposed to have had three operations

already. A friend who knew her before they moved
here, says her left leg is wooden."

"I understand that he couldn't even get through

high school and that the only reason he has a job
is because his father owns a lot of stock in the

company."

"They say he knew the bank was going to fail

and drew out all his money beforehand."

One year I bought a large police dog his name ;

was Max. I bought Max because I wanted a watch

dog for the house, a dog that would look so fierce,
be so savage, that he would make even a bill col-
lector hesitate before ringing the bell. As soon as
Max arrived I could tell that he was just about as
199
 How to Lose Friends
ferocious as a seasick missionary. He fawned all
over the milkman, licked the hands of a process
server, and ran like a cheetah when a neighbor's
Pekinese wandered into our yard one day. What
was I to do ? I had invested $100 in Max and didn't
want to lose it.

I started telling my friends and acquaintances

of the savage dog I had. I told how he had snapped
the leg off the maid when she had petted him. I
told how he had bitten my wife so many times that
she was offering her blood an anti-rabies serum.
as
I told of countless agents, salesmen, meter readers
and postmen he had chewed up and maimed for
life. In every letter to friends and relatives I re-

lated stories of Max's viciousness.

It worked Rinso or Dutch Cleanser. In
like
three weeks I was served with a police notice to
chain Max or get rid of him. People began walk-
ing on the other side of the street instead of pass-
ing our house. I bought a muzzle and a chain with
three inch links init and for a few minutes each

day I chained poor Max outside the front door.

For two years we didn't have a visitor. The
guest towels became permanent shoe polishing
cloths. The hand made bedspread, used only when
visitors were expected, was cut up into stove-

200
 Give the Dog a Bad Name
holders for the kitchen. The bath tub was scrubbed
only once a month, tables and books went un-
dusted, and I threw cigarette stubs, pipe cleaners,
and matches around the living room until the rug
disappeared from sight. I had made a real and
liveable home and all because I had built up a
savage-dog reputation for poor, harmless, love-
able Max, who wouldn't have snapped at even a
Shirley Temple picture.

Start gossiping about other people. Soon they

( They will stop you on the
will start avoiding you.
streetand say, "Just a minute ... I want avoid
with you !" But don't worry, the conversation
won't last long)

Gossip is like a foot race. It needs a starter.

201
Letters That Produced
Miraculous Results
 CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

LETTERS THAT PRODUCED

MIRACULOUS RESULTS

YOU CAN you can by

quickly as
your pen just as
lose friends with
other methods. In fact,
to most people, the pen is smightier than the
board. Let me show you a few samples.

I have a good friend who has been sales manager

of the Hold Everything Brassiere Company for
many years. His name is Ira Grett. Mr. Grett
inherited the business from his father and he
doesn't give a rap whether it succeeds or flops. In
fact, he's a lot happier when there's no business
because it means less work for him. But let's take
a look at a form letter he sent out to prospective
205
 How to Lose Friends
customers when he first started in the business
and had notions of success :

Miss Bella Undersex

3 Straitanarrow Way-
Middlesex, Conn.
My dear Miss Undersex :

I wonder if you would object to having one

of our handsome young salesmen call upon you
and spend an evening demonstrating the unique
features of our contraption ? Women
all over
the world have thanked us for our restraint, and
there is nothing binding in this offer. Unless I
hear to the contrary from you I shall instruct
our Mr. George B. Goode to call upon you on
the evening of April 7th.
Thank you for reading this far,
Yours sincerely,
Ira Grett.

Mr. Grett told me that this letter used to bring

as high as 80% sales return on this one line alone.
When his salesmen added the don't-you-get-lone-
some-sometimes-dearie line, it brought 100%
sales. Mr. Grett soon saw that this couldn't con-
tinue for it often meant his working at the office
until mid-afternoon or even later. He came to me
for advice, asking me how to write a letter that

206
 Letters That Produced Miraculous Results

would chill any and all sales prospects. This is

what I wrote for him.

Miss B. A. Bitbold
35 Andolder Street
Single, Kentucky
My dear Miss Bitbold :

Word has come to me from some of your

friends that your figure resembles a hippopota-
mus in the eighteenth month. Now, we can't do
much to help you, because cases like yours are
about as hopeful as world peace, but if you don't
live too damned far out of the way we'd be mildly
interested in having one of our salesmen call
upon you sometime —don't ask when because
we never know just when our men will be sober.
Our salesman, when he calls, will try and lace
you into one of our corset-brassiere combina-
tions which are built according to specifications
laid down by the U. S. Navy. It may be how-
ever, that it will take two of our salesmen to get
you into this contraption, so don't be surprized
if two ugly-looking mugs appear at your door.
I don't think we can really help an old lard
barrel like you, but please let us try.
Sincerely yours,
Ira Grett

Some of you are saying right now, "Well, that's

fine and dandy for business letters, but what about
207
 How to Lose Friends
social ones ? What
about wriggling out of those
frequent and awkward invitations which are al-
ways sneaking into our mailbox ?"
To this I reply, "They are just as easy to answer
and discourage as any business relationship."
Here is a sample of a wedding invitation I re-
ceived not long ago :

Mr. and Mrs. Harold WeakcMn

request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Luella Louise
to
Mr. Boise Ime Sunkh
Tuesday the twenty-eighth of July
at half after three o'clock in the afternoon
First Baptist Church
Akron, Illinois

This is what I replied :

Mr. and Mrs. Irving D. Tressler are im-

measurably tickled that they will be out of
town and unable to accept the kind invitation
of Mr. arid Mrs. Harold Weakchin to attend
the wedding of their daughter, Luella Louise,

208
 Letters That Produced Miraculous Results

whom they haven't seen since she was a runny-

nosed little brat, in whom they haven't the
slightest interest, and to whom they haven't
the vaguest intention of sending even a Flor-
entine book cover as a wedding present.

But, you ask, what about answering letters like

thisone :

Dear Joe,
Martha and I are planning a little trip down
East next month and we're wondering whether
you'll be home during the week of the 10th ?
The point is, we haven't been to Boston in years
and we'd kind of like to stay a little while and
see the sights. Do you have a spare bed or a floor
on which we could flop for a few nights ? We're
terribly anxious to see both of you and talk over
the old college days. I would appreciate it if you
could let me know as soon as possible whether
you'll have space for us because if you don't
we'll probably change our plans.
Sincerely,
Bill Willaman

This is the sort of answer to give that kind of

letter

209
 How to Lose Friends
Dear Bill,
It was good to get your letter because it's
been so long since we've heard from you and
Martha. Let's see, it must be all of fifteen years,
isn't it ? Of course you can stay with us ! We
don't have but one bedroom, but we'll find room
for you and don't you worry I guess you'll be
!

surprised to hear that we have three children

and are expecting a fourth. You're going to be
as crazy about them as we are, I know. The
oldest will be five in November and they're all
littlebundles of curiosity —
into everything day
and night. This is just a note, but I want to
emphasize the point that you're welcome any
old time. If a couple of kids have to sleep in the
same room with you and start tearing around
and if we have to string a few diapers
at 6 a.m.,
across the living room, Iknow you'll under-
stand and won't mind. We're looking forward
to your visit.
Ever,
Amos

Of course, there are always those people who

suddenly rediscover their friendship for you about
the same time they are hard up for money. There
are several ways of replying to these, but a good
form that always works is :

210
Letters That Produced Miraculous Results
Dear Al,
I have your nice long letter telling me all
about what has happened to you since I last
saw you and wondering whether I could loan
you a little to tide you over the present emer-
gency. Well, Al, you know there is no one in
the world I would help sooner than you, if I
possibly could, but I seem to have a little sob
tale of my own.
Al, since I last saw you a few things have
happened to me, too. First of all, I had to have
all my teeth out and for that got a dentist bill
of $500. Then our house burned down the day
after the insurance had expired. Next Auntmy
died and I had to pay for her funeral. My
car
gave out and I had to make a down payment on
a new one. My wife broke her leg and got a di-
vorce, so I am paying both hospital bills and
alimony. I am supporting my parents. I owe
money to every grocer, butcher, baker and clo-
thier in town. My eyesight is failing, my stom-
ach is going back on me, and the doctor told me
I would have to go to Colorado if I want to live
another five years.
Now, Al, I wonder whether you could loan
me $50 until next month. You can see how it
would help, and I'll pay it back to you sure with-
in 30 days.
Sincerely,
Abe
211
 How to Lose Friends
And then there are a great many little notes
which must be written, but which we so seldom
take the pains to make truthful. Let me cite a few
which have done wonders :

Dear Mrs. Meister,

We arrived home late, but safely last night
and I am taking this first opportunity to thank
you for the week-end. Of course, Joe didn't
get much rest, and, Heaven knows, I hope the
next time you build a country place you'll have
the bathroom within a quarter of a mile of the
guest room, but it was fine exercise and I guess
we needed it. Joe is sick in bed with a nasty cold
because of those cotton blankets of yours, but
he'll be up and around within a week unless it
turns into pneumonia, so don't worry. It really
was a fine vacation for me because I appreciate
my own cooking so much more after yours.
Please excuse the brevity of this note, but I
must hurry and put another plaster on Joe's
chest and then sit down and figure out how much
we could have saved last week-end by staying
at home instead of spending it with you.
Lovingly,
Arline Rudolf

Dearest,
It seems just a few minutes ago that I was
with you, instead of last month. I have your
212
Letters That Produced Miraculous Results

wonderful long letter asking me why I don't

come to see you any more. Well, honey lamb,
it's this way. I never did tell you that I
was
already married and had three children, no, four
— I never can keep track of them. I know I
should have told you this when I first met you
at that movie, but I was afraid it might influ-
ence your feelings towards me. Anyhow, we
had lots of fun together, didn't we, but I figure
I had better go back to my wife and you had
better pick up someone else to play with. I
don't think you'll have any trouble if you use
the same methods you did to get me.
Adoringly yours,
Jojo

Darling Emma,
You could have knocked me over with the
family Bible when I read your announcement
of the arrival of little Percy last week. My God,
isn't this the third one in three years ? Did any-
one ever tell you that there was such a thing
pres-
as birth control ? I'm sending along a little
ent, and I hope this will be the last one. I've a
notion to have twins myself just to get even with
you for all the gifts I've sent in the last three
years.
Always,
Ella

213
Tired Of Your Husband?
 CHAPTER NINETEEN

TIRED OF YOUR HUSBAND ?

once talked with Judge Eve L. Mind, famous

I woman jurist and psychiatrist. Judge Mind
has interviewed more than 30,000 married women
on the most intimate questions. The result was
shocking, but infinitely satisfying.
Judge Mind spent an entire evening telling me
about the sexual unhappiness of the average
American adult. If I could put down on these
pages only a few of the facts which she told me
you would be horrified, but immensely pleased.
Judge Mind hopes to publish her findings. If she
does she'll make a small fortune.
The point is this: We don't have enough di-
vorces in this country

217
 How to Lose Friends
I once attended a Golden Wedding celebration.
It was enough to make a Mdivani turn over in his
grave. Imagine being tied to one man or woman
for 50 years Animals don't do
! Fish don't. it.

Neither does Peggy Hopkins Joyce. Why do

humans ? An explorer told me recently that ele-
phants, whose life span is frequently 150 or more
mate for life. They select a mate when
years, never
in about their 35th year. The ceremony is very
simple. The male elephant slips a sawdust ring
over his bride's trunk while the oldest bull ele-
phant of the herd reads aloud from a 1910 copy of
the National Geographic. This is followed by the
pair addressing each other as "Mrs. Helephant"
and "Mr. Helephant" and is solemnized by the
entire herd's blowing water at them through their
trunks. It is called the Coming of Aitch or Wet-
ting Ceremony. Thereupon the bride and groom
waddle off into the jungle while all the herd trum-

pets in unison : "May all your troubles be little

ones !"

After a week of trying to kid the apes and ex-

plorers they meet into believing that they are an
old married couple, the pair returns to the herd
and is received in an elaborate ceremony in which
all the elephants waltz slowly about in a circle like

218
 Tired of Tour Husband ?
a D. A. R. reception. "Honest, it's a circus !" the
explorer told me, and he should know — he's mar-
ried to the biggest elephant I've ever seen.
Now comes the serious business of married life.
The couple sets up housekeeping and all the herd
waits around to see if they'll start fighting. Nat-
urally, sooner or later, though it may be ten years
or more, a fight starts. If the bride starts the fight
mate and retires to the
she whales the hide off her
bed room with a loud slamming of the door, taking
her mate's hide with her. If the groom starts the
fight he does the same to his bride and retires to
the furnace room. This is known in the elephant
world as Hide And Go Seek. In simple English
it means if the one who has lost his hide loves the

other enough he will go and get his hide back and

make up the quarrel. If he doesn't love the other
then he leaves her for good and the couple is con-
sidered formally separated.

Isn't this simple ? Don't you wish we could be

as sensible as elephants ? But we can't because our
laws forbid it, so we are forced to seek elaborate
ways of getting rid of husbands and wives of whom
we are tired. What I wish to do is show men and
women how they can get divorced if only they are
219
 How to Lose Friends
willing to exert themselves a little bit. This chap-
ter is for wives only. For wives who would like a
divorce yet can't make their husbands agree to it.

At Breakfast
Be fastidious and regular about appearing in
a soiled kimono and curl papers. Don't put a grain
of makeup on until after he has left for the office.
See that you slop things on the table and slump
into your chair with uncovered yawns and eyes
half -opened.
Open his mail. Chatter to him while he attempts
to read it.

At Dinner
Never allow your menu to be monotonous. Burn
your food one day, undercook it the next.
If he has a favorite dish, serve it to him day
after day, and when he objects mildly, whine,
"But I thought you liked it !"
Place all meat roasts on a too-small platter and
see that the carving knife is consistently dull.
Have a centerpiece over which it is impossible
to see. Insist on candlelight.

With Other People

Whenever he tells a story interrupt him with,
220
 Tired of Your Husband ?
"Darling, I think you've got it mixed up. It was
this way — "

Ask everyone they don't think you are right

if

in certain intimate arguments which you give to

them in detail.
Tell all the foolish stories about him you can
think of. Incidents like the time he ordered pate

de fois gras at a restaurant and told you it was

from the inside of a cow.
Keep harping on the condition of your furni-
ture and how your husband doesn't earn enough
tokeep you in stockings.
Regularly interpose "Don't you think it's time
:

you were getting to bed, dear ?"

Make references to his waistline and what he
weighed when you first knew him.

Around the House

See that you lose his placemark in books he
reads.
Insist upon "cleaning out" and "straightening
up" his desk periodically.
Telephone him daily at the office to bring things
home from the grocery.
Whenever he wants an opinion from you, reply,
"You decide, darling."

221
 How to Lose Friends
Insist upon buying all his neckties for him.
Talk baby-talk and continue to do so when
you go out in public with him.
Keep reminding him of all the other chances
you had to marry men who are now earning five
times what he is getting.
Borrow his razor. Leave stockings in the wash
basin. Coat your face with cold cream before
climbing into bed.
Keep the light on when he wants to go to sleep
so you "can finish a story."
Follow the foregoing suggestions and you'll
be mateless quicker than you can say Reno.

So important is the sex side of marriage that

I have no right to complete a chapter on "Getting
Along Without the Other Person" without recom-
mending a list of books that deal frankly with
this problem :

The Unwed Cinemas Hollywood and Other

of
Maternal Problems by Dr. Will U. Takalook.
(Unguarded Press, 2345 Manalive St., Boston,
Mass.)
What I Don't Know About Sex! by May
Whest. (Hopper Brothers, 456 Madison Street,
New York City).
222
 Tired of Your Husband ?
Marital Relations and Other Pests by Wun
Long Stae. (I. Merriam, 18 East Contract
Avenue, Minneapolis, Minn.)
Sex of One, Half a Dozen of the Other by Doan
Tellasole. ( Macmillyuns Co., 45 Ninth Avenue,
New York City)
Marriage Without Sex and Sex Without Mar-
riage or Which Vice's Versa by Judge Martha
Haightsit. (Blue Ribbon Funk, Inc., 654s Lex-
ington Avenue, New York City)
Sexual Harmony In A. Flat by Dr. Note D.
Pallor. (Husband & McBride, Inc., First Place,
Cincinnati, Ohio)
Preparation For Marriage by Dale E. Prac-
tice.(Pants Press, Dundee, 111.)
We all know the saying, "What is home with-
out a mutter ?" It is you as the woman of the
up to
house to turn that mutter into a howl for freedom.

Remember :

Many a nightmare has turned into a day nag.

223
Tired Of Your Wife ?
 CHAPTER TWENTY

TIRED OF YOUR WIFE ?

1912 a remarkable thing happened to a San

INFrancisco man named I. Reed Esquire. Mr.

Esquire was cruising slowly along the Barbary

Coast one evening when suddenly a beautiful lady
leaned out of an upper window and beckoned to
him. Mr. Esquire paused. "Are you in distress ?"

he inquired gallantly."No, I'm not in any dress,

honey !" replied the lady in a low, musical voice.

Mr. Esquire flushed to his collar button and
cried, "Go away, you bad, bad woman I've read
!

about you and your kind in magazines and books !

—
You are a wicked, wicked leech of society be-
sides, I am a married man !" Whereupon he turned
and reeled firmly homeward.
227
 How to Lose Friends
He was met by Mrs. Esquire from
at the door
whom he involuntarily shrank. There was some-
thing about her that offended him. He dared not
tell her, yet he knew and all her friends knew that
itwas perspiration odor caused by unclean pores.
For years he had wished to be separated from this
woman who violated all social delicacies by a simple
ignorance of elementary hygiene rules. Odor
tragedy of it all

Mr. Esquire stopped in his tracks. He thought

of the lady on the Barbary Coast. Then he knew
his chance had come. If he could be found with an-
other woman it was certain grounds for a divorce.
Clumsy ? Yes. But it was the rough and ready law
of the West, the unwritten code which men car-
ried in their heads, sometimes in their chests,
whence it developed into pneumonia.
This all happened 25 years ago. Today, Mr.
Esquire might have been divorced and happy all
those years simply by putting into practice the
new, modern methods of antagonizing wives to the
point where they want the divorce. Today, too,
Mr. Esquire might have told his wife of the mar-
velous new preventive on sale at all drug stores
and then have written a testimonial for the anti-
perspiration manufacturer, for which he would

228
 Tired of Your Wife ?
have received many hundreds of dollars. But that
was in the days before men earned their living by
the sweat of other people's bodies.

There are many curious customs and ways of

obtaining freedom in this world, but one of the
strangest is that practiced in the great lumbering
areas of the northwest. There, most of the men are
six feet three and weigh 300 pounds, so they are
great lumbering areas, too. Women are almost
unknown, but when you do get to know one you're
pretty apt to marry her. At the wedding, the
groom presents the bride with a new pair of shoes
which she immediately dons and wears day and
night thenceforth. When the shoes commence to
wear out the wife approaches her lumberjack hus-
band and says, "I need some new shoesy-woozies !"
If he is tired of her and wants his freedom he sim-
ply says, "I gave you the shoesies you give me —
the woozies Whereupon she knows that she is
!"

no longer wanted and departs with the customary

gift of $1.10 and a tin of hardtack, although some
husbands supplement this with a dead Ping Pong
ball and a smoked eel.
Isn't this sane ? Isn't this simple ? Of course it

is, and I'll fight anyone who says it isn't. But this

229
 How to Lose Friends
is America and Americans pride themselves on
being insane. We take roundabout ways of doing
things, like getting drunk to forget the things we
wouldn't think of if we weren't drunk. However,
this chapter is for men who want a divorce and
want it quickly. Following this paragraph are a
few suggestions. If you'll study these suggestions
and put them into practice I can guarantee you a
wife who will go home to her mother inside of a
month :

At Breakfast
Bury yourself behind your newspaper and
growl when spoken to.
Shave only after the meal. Wear the oldest,
sloppiest dirtiest dressing gown you can find.
Complain about everything on the table.

At Dinner
Never come home at any certain time. Gripe
loudly if the meal is not ready and waiting when
you arrive.
When you know your wife has spent hours on a
fancy salad and an elaborate cake, grumble, "I'm
getting sick of all this delicatessen junk ! Why
don't you make something once in awhile that
doesn't taste like boiled rubber ?"

230
 Tired of Your Wife?
Complain about the high food bills and then ask
why in hell you have to eat hamburger and Swiss
steak all the time.
Tell her of the delicious meals they serve at the
restaurant where you eat every noon.

With Other People

Consistently refer to your wife as "My ball and
chain" or "My old woman."
Ask your host not to pour her a drink because
"she can't hold her liquor."
Tell the same funny stories which she has heard
you tell a dozen times.
Don't hesitate to reveal her exact age and re-
mark that she looks much older.
Reveal all the intimate family secrets as soon as
you begin to feel your drink.
Interrupt anything she says of more than three
sentences with "No, you've got it all twisted, it's

this way . . . ! or "Listen, Toots, stick to house-

keeping and leave these serious discussions to
people who know a little of their background !"
Keep referring to your "good old bachelor
days" and how you "got hooked."
Early in the evening start the first of repeated
suggestions, "Listen, old lady, maybe you don't
231
 How to Lose Friends
know it, but I have to get up early tomorrow !"

Around the House

Don't fail towhine, "Here I have to work at
the office all day and you have nothing
to do but
keep house, yet I can't even find matches where
they ought to be !"

Remind her of the way your mother always did

things and how she never had a vacuum cleaner
and yet there was never dust a foot thick all over
your father's house.
As you start out for a party inform her that her
dress looks like the devil and ask her why she can't
look as attractive as Mabel Dorrfler who, you bet,
doesn't spend half what she does on her clothes
and yet always looks so darned nice.
Whenever you drop cigarette ashes on the rug
remark, "It will keep the moths out !"
See that the radio is tuned in to ball games,
prizefights and whatever programs are your favor-
ite. Turn on her like a tiger if she dares speak

during the broadcast.

After a shower or bath, leave your towel in a
heap on the floor along with puddles of water and
wadded-up washcloth.
When you come in late from a stag party, wake
232
 Tired of Your Wife?
her up, turn on the center light and tell her all the
details while you sing and hiccup.

A wife is like a hot potato — the quicker you

drop her the less pain you have.

233
Tired Of Your Boy Friend ?
 CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

TIRED OF YOUR BOY FRIEND?

MORE than one marriage has ended in

tragedy because the girl finally said yes out
of sheer weariness. Every now and then you read
newspaper stories about the young millionaire who
pursued the girl he wanted half-way round the
world and finally caught her and married her in
Hangchow or Sao Paulo. But what about the girl
who can't get out of town to try and dodge the per-
sistent pest ?

"I can't keep my feet still !" is an effective state-

ment which may be readily and frequently used by
the girl who wishes to be singular instead of plural.
The statement should be accompanied by hum-
ming, whistling, tapping of the feet, snapping of
237
 How to Lose Friends
and such expressions "Hot cha cha
the fingers, !"

and "Swing it !" If kept up no man can stand it

indefinitely. Unfortunately, it may also result in a

nervous breakdown for the girl.
Does he take you out to eat frequently ? Then,
surely, you haven't been foolish enough to think of
his pocketbook first ? Always insist upon the most
expensive restaurant, the most popular and most
costly night club. Let him know that you are in-
sulted if he takes you to a second-rate place. Nat-
urally, this won't do much good if he happens to
be wealthy, but it works in ninety-nine of the cases.
Pocketbooks are like babies — they have bottoms.
Is it a warm night ? Has he worked hard all
day and is he dead tired ? Then, "Oh, I simply
adore dancing —
let's go to the Choo Choo Club !"

is your best lead.

"You must meet my
roommate she's the —
sweetest girl I've ever known !" If you follow up
this gushing invitation some night the chances
are excellent (especially if she is better looking
than yourself) for him to fall in love with her and
desert you. A
dirty trick on the roommate, but life
is a pretty grimgame of devil-take-the-hindmost
and woe unto him who is hindmost There's a les- !

son in that. Shall I repeat it ? Woe unto him who is

238
 Tired of Your Boy Friend f
hindmost /Do you get it ? Write it down and
memorize it before you go to bed Repeat it to
!

yourself as you walk down the street Repeat it

!

to others !

He takes you to movies, doesn't he ? WeU, try

talking in the midst of the exciting scenes and
tender ones. Tell little irrelevant stories to him in a
loud whispering giggle just as the climax arrives.

Towards the close of the last century the city

of Denver was horror-stricken by a succession of
the most brutal murders this country has ever
known. For five years police searched for the mur-
derer in vain. Regularly every six months the hor-
ribly battered body of a young woman would be
discovered in some public place. Then one morning
a policeman walking to work came upon the bloody
but still-conscious body of a girl. He rushed her to
the nearest hospital and she gasped out a name and
address before lapsing into a coma. Police imme-
diately went to the address and found it the home
of a young man who readily confessed to all the
murders, but pleaded that he was not guilty.
"Officer !" he said to the policeman questioning
him, "All these girls were girls I had fallen in love
239
 How to Lose Friends
with. They were good girls. I loved them all. But
all them insisted upon calling me 'Duckie
of
Lamb' and 'Sweetie Pie' and 'Honey Bubble' and
names like that in public. Do you blame me ?" Did
they blame him Then and there that little band
!

of policemen took up a collection from their own

pockets and gave the murderer enough money to
get him across the Canadian border, where he set-
tled down and became a respected citizen, dying
last year at the age of 92 with all his original teeth.

Men hate"Pawers." Insist upon fondling him

at street corners and other out-of-the-way places.
Adjust his necktie for him when his friends are
looking. Stroke his arm, comb his hair for him.
Never, never appear on time for an appoint-
ment. Even though you have to sit and read a
woman's magazine, keep him waiting and fidget-
ing. When you do come downstairs, hand him one
by one the following articles to be placed in his
pocket and called for at the most inconvenient
intervals ; compact, lipstick, rouge box, cigarette
case, pocketbook, an old Sears, Roebuck cata-
logue, a discarded rear axle, some cold venison, a
40 volume encyclopedia, a pet turtle.
See that your slip is always showing and that
240
 Tired of Your Boy Friend ?
your shoulder straps are always the color of a mud
puddle by moonlight.
Keep talking about the "swell time" you had
the other night with Bill. Keep referring to Bill
as "no cheapskate." Praise Bill for his sense of
humor, his gentlemanliness, his success in busi-
ness, his knowledge, his education, his car, his
taste in clothes. A few successive nights of Bill will
do wonders with the feelings of your suitor.
Pin him in a corner and insist upon a heart-to-
heart talk. Tell him that the man you marry has
got to earn so much (always twice what he will
be able to earn for some years) that you want five
,

children before you are 30, that you aren't going

to live in an apartment, that your husband has got
to be willing to help with the dishes, scrub the
bathroom floor when necessary, be handy at put-
ting up and wiring lamps that you must
shelves ;

have a maid, and that you aren't going to do the

washing. Few
things can chill a romantic feeling
faster than a good frank discussion of the earthy
realities of marriage.

If you want to get rid of your suitor, make him

feel that he has made a mistake, not you, in the
selection.

241
Making an Offense your Best
Defense
 CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

MAKING AN OFFENSE YOUR

BEST DEFENSE

HADN'T intended writing this chapter, but

I there are, I realize, people who simply haven't
the time or ability to learn how to alienate their
friends.These persons I term Amateur Antag-
onizes. For them I am listing a few simple rules :

Offend everyone you meet by using a nasty,

unsanitary, clean linen handkerchief instead of
modern, hygienic Kleenex.

Don't serve your overnight guests Sanka coffee.

( Visitors never come twice to a home which serves

old-fashioned, caffeine-filled, sleep -destroying

coffee).

245
 How to Lose Friends
Instead of Sir Walter Raleigh smoking to-
bacco, use a smelly, old style brand which offends
everyone with its odor.

Turn your house an uninviting barn in

into
winter time by not insulating it with Johns-Mans-
ville Ful-Thik Rock Wool.

Make your friends drop off one by one by your

simple failure to Lux your underthings each
night.

Get rid of people by throwing away your Irium-

Pepsodent toothpaste and leaving the ugly,
filled
dingy film on your teeth which is so unpleasant to
the fastidious.

Commit social suicide by ignoring Authur

Murray's ten easy lessons in dancing.

Fail to use a quick fingertipful of Mum under

each arm and find yourself without invitations to
parties, dinners, and neighborhood gatherings.

Make your home unattractive to friends by

buying other than an Artloom Rug.
246
 Make an Offense Your Best Defense
Discourage further visits by overnight guests
by failing to give them the sleep producing rest-
fulness of Pequot Sheets or the absorbent friend-
liness of Cannon Towels.

Upset your friends' nerves and ruin their

all
digestions by offering them other brands than
Camels.

24.7
 Tear Out And Mail

Check one choice for each statement, on the

following -pages, then tear out the page and mail
it to person for whom it is intended.
1. For years you have bored me with your talk-
ing about
a. your illnesses
b. your travels
c. your troubles
d. your

2. If ever you happen to be passing through our

town, please :

a. stay at a hotel
b. forget our address
c. keep on going
d
249
 How to Lose Friends
3. Why do you always call upon us just when we
want to :

a. have dinner
b. go out to a movie
c. good radio program
listen to a
d '

4. I wish the next time I see you that you would :

a. erase that silly smile

b. stop pawing my arm
c. cease interrupting me
d

5. I know your children are awfully cute, but

I'm sick of :

a. hearing of their bright sayings

b. seeing snapshots of them
c. listening to their diet details
d

6. I shudder every time you invite me to dinner

because :

a. your guests are so dull

b. it's so hard to keep awake

c. the food is so poor

d
250
 Tear Out and Mail
7. I tell you, I shall go crazy if you don't stop
your habit of :

a. humming and whistling

b. pulling your ear
c. drumming on tables
d

8. My friend, you're good-looking but I'm

pretty tired of your :

a. shallow pocketbook
b. punk dancing
c. vacant expression
d

9. Please eliminate from your conversation the

expression :

a. "Definitely!"
b. "Is that clear V
c. "Adorable!"
d

10. you if ever again you talk

I promise to kill to
me about your hobby :

a. stamps

b. dried chrysanthemums
c. first editions

d
251
 (Continued from Front Flap)

smile and accept. How much happier we would be

if we would only say and do what we wanted to-
use some of our hidden assets of independence The
trouble is we are all too inclined to sit on our assets."
i

WHY IRVING D. TRESSLER IS THE

ONLY MAN WHO COULD HAVE WRITTEN
THIS BOOK

Irving D. Tressler
was voted the biggest heel in
his college class.
With his friends he is as welcome
as John L. Lewis in the
is
Ford home. People stay
away from him in droves and not even
the police
want him. People dislike
him for what he is, and
he possesses more
privacy than the mooring
mast of
the Empire State
Building.

For years he has capitalized

upon his amazing
genius for offending others.
Thousands have learned
from hlm the secret of
the Limburger
Personality
and, within the past
few years, he has trained
mor'e
wet smacks than you could
shake a fist at. Most
of
the traffic policemen
and all of the bus
drivers in
the United States
have been trained in
antagonizing
others by this man.

Wax. Peopee
Iresslers unique
is the
How To Lose Fk.ends
direct resu]t
experiences in deliberately
people the wrong way.
rubbing
of ^ And
Q
It is the only
working man-
ual that has ever
been written to help
people dis-
solve their human
relationships. It is the only
book
which today offsetting the twenty
is
year drive by
American advertisers to make everyone
in this coun-
try popular with
everyone else.

Price $ i .49
 I

Things This Book Will Do For You

i. Get you out of a mental rut. This 6. Give vou the quiet evenings at home
isn't the rutting season, anyhow. you've vearned for ever since the
What are you doing in it? neighbors "accepted" vou.
:. Arouse enthusiasm among your 7. Decrease your influence and enable
friends— enthusiasm for suddenly re- vou to get twice as much accom-
memhered engagements. plished as before.

j. Give you 10-15 more miles per gallon 8. Teach you how to antagonize any-
and relieve you of anv flat tires you one, anywhere, anv time without the
get stuck with. aid of bad breath or dandruff.
4. Replace tit-tat-toe at lectures. 9. Increase your happiness by decreas-'
5. Get vou out of distasteful social en- ing that of others.
gagements as quicklv as you got into 10. Replace pains in your neck with
them. aches in your side.

What I Irving D. Tressler

BY THOMAS L of bridge, dinner parties, social calls, 8t4.

Tliev wanted privacy and they wanted
"What I think of living 1 Bier
it quick— results the\ could use the very
couldn't be printed in anjH Bbut
Braille— and then it would be M H<t to
next evening
from the
when they
office
arrived
and found they had to
h. me

touch. Anyhow, there's a JHBieed

c'-ess for a dinner somewhere.
for privacy in this country an^Hhere
is only one wav I know of to ^^- it- "Irving D. Tressler was forced to be

make yourself unpopular. The best swift and practical. He developed a

teacher of How To .Make Yourself Dis- system of training that is a striking com-
liked is the author of chis book, a man bination of blunt words, misapph:d
who is more unpopular than a clean psychology, offensive mannerisms and a

storv at a theological seminary. nuts-to-vou attitude.

"He started out with jusr a course in "Most of my unpopularity is due *.o

tap dancing and hair waving, but gradu- training under this mug. All my eve-
al] v the students demai. led to be taught nings are mv own, now, davs top—
the secret of unpopularitv. .Many of can't get a job. What I think of Irvi.ig
them hadn't known a quiet evening at D. Tressler and what I wouldn't 1'ke to

home in thirty vcars. Tney were sick do to him—!"