Revolutionary Sex Virtual Workshop

PASSIONATE LOVER PASSIONATE LIFE

“Put aside your story and dance with the fear”

The Master Key To Living With Passion:

Conquering Inner Doubt And Fear
Alex Allman

About a week after I recorded the audio for this portion of the program, I was on a group
call with Anthony Robbins, a man who - like him or hate him - is responsible for success of
thousands of people who would not have otherwise taken action on their dreams.
Tony said 3 things on that call that summed up the message of this part of my own program:
“You either have results or you have a story.”
He gave some examples from his own life where he had constructed elaborate stories in his
own mind to excuse his personal failures in some endeavor or other… whether it was in his
personal life, his business, his health, or his spiritual pursuit. Then one day he’d wake up
and realize what he was doing… that he had been telling himself a story.
“The only thing that keeps you from getting what you want is the story
you have for not getting it.”
What happens to most of us is that we confront an obstacle to getting what we want, and
that obstacle then becomes our story. But then a dangerous shift happens… Our initial
failure to get our result created the story, but then it turns around, and the story we keep telling
becomes the thing that prevents us from getting our result. When you understand this, you can clearly
see that the story is what keeps you gripped in the fear of failure.
“Put aside your story and dance with the fear.”
Nisargadata Your willingness to dance with your own personal fears is, in the end, what will define your
Maharaj: life, your relationships, and your capacity to gain self-trust. In the end, it will determine your
“It is an personal satisfaction with your life. Dance with your fear and the story and the fear go away.
observable
fact that one
becomes self
conscious only Extinction-- A process of reducing fear through repetition...
in the conflict Action Steps:
between
pleasure and Face your fears as often as possible. Cultivate the habit: Whenever you have that
pain. It is this
clash between bad feeling in the pit of your stomach or realize that something is outside of your
desire and fear comfort zone… immediately agree to do it. Dance with your fear
that causes
anger, which is Actively seek out situations that are out of your comfort zone to train your mind
the great
destroyer in and your spirit
life.”
Make a hobby out of putting yourself in new situations and new places that you
have never been. Eat new foods, try new activities, travel to strange lands, participate
in different cultures

Passionate Lover, Passionate Life

 Conquering Inner Doubt And Fear
Revolutionary Sex Virtual Workshop
“Cognitive Reappraisal”
“Cause all I need is the air that I breath and “If you realize that all things change,
my friends and family to believe in me.” there is nothing you will try to hold on
to. If you are not afraid of dying, there
I was at the gym hitting the heavy bag is nothing you can not achieve.
and listening to my iPod, and that old song
Lao Tzu
came on from the one-hit-wonder band
Trik Turner. Their one hit, “Friends And
Family” is a great one.
the opportunity to live with uncompromised
Truth is a funny thing - sometimes it passion.
seems like an unwavering absolute, and
sometimes you get a glimpse of how it can
shift as your beliefs and your identity
Cognitive Reappraisal:
change over time.
According to neuroscientists, one of the
For me, the idea that all I needed was
best ways to deal with fear is to override the
for my friends and family to believe in me
amygdala, the center of fear in the brain,
seemed like a powerful truth. But now I see
with the power of the cerebral cortex, the
it differently.
center of reasoning and thinking.
The belief and support of friends is
This makes sense.
unbelievably important, it’s great, but it’s
not something I “need” anymore. Moving After all, most fear happens in the
from a state where your ego is “externally imagination anyway. In his book, The Gift
referenced” (where you need the approval of Of Fear, Gavin de Becker points out the
others) to one where your ego is “internally interesting fact that, being afraid that
referenced,” is one of the most difficult something will happen is generally evidence
fears to overcome. But on the other side is

Ambrose
Redmoon:
“ Courage is not
the absence of
fear, but rather
the judgment
that something
else is more
important than
fear.”

Passionate Lover, Passionate Life

Revolutionary Sex Virtual Workshop that the thing that you are afraid
of is not happening.
He gives this example:
If you are standing near the
edge of a cliff and afraid of
falling off, it is a clear indication
that you are not, in fact, falling.
Of course, if you do fall, and you
discover that you are now afraid
of hitting the ground, this is a
good indication that hitting the
ground has not happened yet.
The fear of falling is not
happening out in the real world,
it is happening in your mind.
This is much more true of the
fears of social embarrassment or
fear of failure that hold us back
from living our fullest potential.
This is why cognitive
reappraisal can be such a powerful
tool for improving your life.
Action Steps:
“Look for the gift in your
pain. If you look for that
gift, believe me, you will
find it.”
Sean Stephenson
Get Off Your “But”
you’ve always wanted in your
relationship?
Step 2: Write down the story,
write your fear, explain it out.
Cowards die many times
before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of
death but once.
Of all the wonders that I yet
have heard,
It seems to me most
strange that men should
fear;
Seeing that death, a
necessary end,
Will come when it will
come.
William Shakespeare
Julius Caesr, act ii, scene 2
Step 4: Choose a new story and
test it. When the fear that holds
you back arises in you, tell yourself
your new story. Reframe the
situation.
How do you feel now?

Step 1: What is the fear that is
holding you back?
What are the thoughts or stories
that you routinely run in your
head that are the “reason” you
don’t live your deepest truth… the
“reason you don’t do that thing
that you’ve always dreamed of
doing, or having the passion
The Hua Hu Jing:
“ Spiritual Freedom and oneness
with the Tao are not randomly
bestowed gifts, but the rewards
of conscious self-transformation
and self-evolution.”
If you are still in fear about
Step 3: REFRAME it...Take the going for it, about really taking
same facts or other facts that exist what you want in your life, then go
in your life around this issue and back to step 3 and do it again.
write a new story…
Find something that works
And question the old story-- for you. This is a tool, and it can
Is it true? be a powerful tool if you take the
time to do it right.
Why is true?
What if it weren’t true?
Courage:
What beliefs is it based upon?
Doing vs. Thinking
What if these beliefs weren’t
true, or what if they could mean Sometimes it’s not reappraisal
of our fearful thoughts, but just
something else?
not thinking so much that is
Who would you become if you required.
believed something else?
I used to do some boxing, and
What else could be true about I remember getting into the ring,
this situation? my heart beating fast, and just
getting hammered… until one day

Passionate Lover, Passionate Life

 Conquering Inner Doubt And Fear
Revolutionary Sex Virtual Workshop
“Transformation”
I heard this quote from Jack Dempsey: all of the humiliating things that could
“All the time he's boxing, he's thinking. happen if he approached her (none of
which are terribly realistic), then either he
All the time he was thinking, I was hitting
will not act… or he will muster the courage
him.”
to speak to her, but make a complete mess
That was the light-bulb-turning-on-over of it because of his anxiety.
-the-head moment for me.
If he just acts, just says “hello,” before
After that I finally keyed into the idea of he has a chance to think about it, then the
thinking while I was learning and training-- interaction will be natural and enjoyable,
but when I was sparring, I stopped thinking regardless of the outcome.
and just let my body work on autopilot.
This is the magic of “doing” more and
It was magical. “thinking” less.
I was never a great boxer, but suddenly Of course, there are situations where it
I could “see” the fight, suddenly I was might have been a better idea to think it
enjoying it. I had finally experienced the through first. People have been hurt and
“flow state” that every athlete that loves any worse when they acted without thinking.
sport experiences. No thoughts, just action.
Figuring when to act and when to think
Courage is like that. is the challenge before you.
Think too much and you can figure out
a lot of reasons to be afraid.
When I look back at the track of my
life, I can find stories where I acted with
admirable courage in ways that make me
swell up with pride… and I can also
remember plenty of times when I was so
cowardly that thinking about it now gives
me a cold, gnawing feeling of shame in my
gut.
And most of the time, the only
difference was the time I had to think about
it.
When a man throws himself after a
stranger who is about to be hit by a truck,
he doesn’t think first.
If he had the time to think, to imagine Transformation:
the headline the next morning about the
heroic lad who, unfortunately, was
pronounced dead at the scene… well, by “He who is not courageous enough to
then it’s just too late most of the time. take risks will accomplish nothing in
life.”
When a man sees an attractive woman
Muhammad Ali
and he allows himself to feel the anxiety of

Passionate Lover, Passionate Life

Revolutionary Sex Virtual Workshop Who would you be if you
were a person who was not
limited by the particular fears
and self-doubts that are limiting
you today?
This is not a question of
logic. It is not a cognitive
reappraisal. It is a question of
identity.
Who do you think you are?
Why do have that belief
about yourself ?
Could you be someone else, if
being that someone else got you
everything you wanted in life?
For most people, the idea of
having to be someone else to get
what you want provokes negative
emotions: anger, hurt,
frustration…
“Are you saying who I am isn’t
good enough?”
As if they had chosen who they
are!
As if identity were a static
thing and not just a process of
constant change and arbitrary
convenience.
Think about it:
There was once something in
your life - some person, value,
style, idea - that you were certain
would be centrally important to
you forever… that today could not
Unless you make tremendous
efforts, you will not be convinced
that effort will take you nowhere.
Nisargadatta Maharaj
“ You can get anything you want
in life-- you just have to become
the person that gets that thing.”
Nathan Otto
“Life shrinks or expands in “People travel to wonder at
proportion to one’s the height of the
courage” mountains, at the huge
waves of the seas, at the
Anais Nin
long course of the rivers, at
the vast compass of the
ocean, at the circular
motion of the stars; and yet
they pass by themselves
without wondering.”
St. Augustine
possibly fit into the life of who you absolute truth, is that making the
have become. leap of faith to become that
If you challenge yourself you person is one of the most
terrifying steps a man can take.
could find many of them, and if
you want to see an elegant But equally true is that once
explanation for this, you could you’ve made the leap, there is
take a look at the developmental nothing but a powerful sense of
model of psychology pioneered by certainty, peace, and fulfillment.
Clare Graves. Unfortunately, me telling you
Change is a natural process. this is unhelpful for two reasons:
Intentional change, however, 1) You’ll feel the fear the
is something that requires you to anyway
face your most powerful fears. 2) The insight feels like
Just follow the simple thought enough. You feel like once you’ve
process: heard it and had the “ah-ha!”
moment that you’ve actually
Why don’t you have exactly
accomplished it…
what you want in life?
Unfortunately, that is not the
What if you were to simply
case. The truth of what I am
DECIDE, today, to change into
talking about is not a “learning,” it
the person who went after that
is an EXPERIENCE.
thing you want without apology
and without reservation? Knowing about it is no more
Does that thought make your akin to actually owning the
heart beat a little faster? Can you experience than seeing a picture of
a plate of food is the same as
feel the fear?
eating it.
The counter-intuitive, but
You have to LIVE it.
Passionate Lover, Passionate Life
Revolutionary Sex Virtual Workshop
Steve Chandler:
From the book Fearless
“When I work with people who want to succeed but
are not succeeding, one of the things I can see
getting in the way is the character they believe
themselves to be… It’s what the believe they are and
have to be - Where did they get this thing?”
“Worry is a misuse of your imagination.”
“If you dropped everything and did the life you
wanted to… What are you afraid would happen?”
Transformation Action Items
Choose Friends that will tell you the truth.
Relentlessly. And ask them often.
The truth of yourself does not look the way you
think it does. Other’s can see through your act in
ways that would surprise you. It’s not that they don’t
respect you… they just respect you for different
reasons than the image you are putting forth to the
world.
Stop telling your story.
This is an enormous challenge. Even figuring out
what your story might be is so threatening to the ego
that if someone you know were to challenge you on
whether or not it was true, you might go into a rage.
It would be humiliating! Insulting!
And worse… if you looked closely you’d see they
were right… your story is just a story.
“Stop telling your story. Right now. And in
an instant, the truth is revealed.”
Ganga-ji
“Most people need permission to do what
they really want to do. They are waiting for
someone to appoint them. A leader
appoints himself.”
Eben Pagan
Find the question your ego doesn’t want
you to ask… and then get to the bottom of it.
What is “your issue,” and who do you really think
you are? Is it money, sex, relationships, courage,
success, or procrastination? (Just to name some
common ones).
Ask the question that makes you squirm. Who
would you be if there was no such thing as
procrastination? What if you are just wrong about this
and it’s just a habit you made up to prevent yourself
from seeing the truth that you are TOTALLY FREE?
What if it’s a meaningless cage put around
yourself by YOU?
Dare to drop the fear that keeps you from living
the passion of total freedom, to remake your life as
your best self.
Passionate Lover, Passionate Life