Isabella Carlson

PCA - 233

Professor Furuness

Revision Regimen

Innocent Until Proven Guilty, Right?

Prologue

Life will throw many rough things at you, and I want you to know that whatever you are

going through, there is a brighter side to life. You might think that you have been through hell

and back, which you just might have, but you cannot have a rainbow without the rain. I am

telling this story because I want to share what happened to me. This is not a typical romantic

love story of a high school prom king and queen lasting forever, nor is this a story about sorrow

and regret. My point in sharing my story is to make you aware that even the perfect life can take

a huge downfall. Do not think something can’t happen to you, because there is always a small

possibility. Do not feel bad for me or tell me it will get better, I have heard it all and I am still

alive and patiently waiting for my rainbow. Healing takes time. Before I begin I would like to

bring attention to the fact that there are always two sides to a story and here is mine.

---

I remember the first time I stepped foot in his house. It was a beautiful house, with three

finished floors and a well-kept yard. When you walked in through the door attached to the
garage, you were led into a hallway. Walking down the hall, first was the laundry room, the

following was the bathroom, which both were on the left-hand side of the hall. When you

reached the end of the hallway, there was an office and the front door to your right. When you

looked straight forward, you saw a front room with stairs leading to the second floor.

I remember walking up the stairs, he was in front of me leading the way. When we

reached the top of the stairs, he turned slightly to the left where a closed-door stood. As he

opened the door, a teenage boy’s room lay, there was an unmade bed with clothes all over the

floor. It smelt of a mix of sweat, cologne, and musk. To this day it is such a distinct smell, the

most recent time I experienced the smell was when I walked into a Nordstrom. (The thing about

trauma, is your senses will remember the exact details of the event, including the smell.) There

were two windows on the back wall that opened up to see the front yard. The light was shining

through the windows, which made the room more open.

I remember sitting on the edge of the bed. He was standing off to the side in front of me.

He was wearing a gray t-shirt with peach-colored shorts. He took a step towards me after he had

picked up his room a little bit. He was standing right in front of me, his eyes were gazing into

mine, then he began to lean closer. His lips touched mine, but these lips did not belong to me.

They belonged to someone else. He began to push against my body until I had no choice but to

lean back onto the bed. His body followed mine, he was on top of me, but I could feel that his

weight wasn't. He had his hands on either side of my head, which he was using to hold himself

over top of me. After about a minute of kissing, he moved my body so that we were both now
laying correctly on the bed. Our heads were on the pillows and our legs were intertangled

together towards the bottom half of the bed.

The next thing I remember was the pain. He was laying underneath me. We were both

naked, except he still had his shirt on. He was pushing down on my hips, I could feel him rising

inside of me. I was in pain, it was a sharp, body-numbing pain. I knew he wasn’t going to stop

until he got what he wanted.

I remember saying, “it hurts”. His reply was “it’s okay baby girl”.

I remember saying, “please stop”. His response was, “it’s okay I’m almost all the way

in”.

The one thing I do not remember saying was, “no.”

It's the one word that did not leave my mouth that day. For the longest time, I blamed

myself. It was my fault because I didn't say that one, simple, two-letter word. (I think back to

this moment, the incident. Why don’t I refer to it as rape? Well, it took me a long time after to

realize what had happened to me. It took me even longer to refer to it as ‘rape’.)

As a female, rape and sexual abuse are things you do not worry about until it happens to

you. As a child, my parents never educated me on the term, rape. When it happened to me, I

didn’t know how to explain what had just happened or even what to call the incident. I didn’t
know how to explain the pain, physical and emotional, that I endured. When one rapes another,

they use them just like they would a toy. I am going to point out the word ‘using’, after you have

been raped, your body no longer feels like it belongs to you. That day, he took all of me. After

that day, I felt exposed around him even when I was fully clothed. I knew he had touched every

part of me and when I caught him staring at me, I knew he saw right through my clothes. He

owned my body, he had touched every inch.

I remember reading a quote on Pinterest that read, “Every 7 years, the cells in your entire

body will be destroyed and replaced with new cells. One day I will have a body you will have

never touched.” This statement is medically correct, but unfortunately, the brain does not work

in the same way. The brain will never let go of what happened. Traumatic events never leave the

memory because of the large impact that memory leaves. Memories, especially traumatic ones,

will live forever in your head.

I remember him telling me he loved me and how he would never hurt me. He told me he

wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He talked about getting married and having kids, I

was mentally incapable of thinking he could ever lie to me. How could a man that told you he

loved you every single night, treat you like you were nothing to him? He left me multiple times

for other girls, ‘better girls’. He would then come back to me after he got bored and I would let

him in. He manipulated me into thinking no one else would love me and that I would only be

happy if I was with him. (Looking back now, I feel bad for my old self. I feel sad because I

thought he was being honest. In the end, it was all a big fat joke to him. The worst part about him

saying these things is I believed him, I thought he cared about me. In the end, it was all a show.
He was acting the whole time, he never meant a single word. The saddest part is that I believed

every, single, word.)

I remember becoming very sad.

I remember hating myself so much.

I remember wanting it all to end.

I remember seeing my wrists bleed.

I remember the pain. All of it. After self-harming, I would stand in the shower the day

after and the hot water would sting against the cuts. It would sting in such a way that it felt like

hot water was rushing against a sunburn. The pain felt suitable like I deserved to feel it. (A

common reason people get tattoos is that they enjoy the pain.) Self-harm is the same thing,

people do it because they enjoy the pain. Pain is such a beautiful thing, whether it feels good, or

necessary, or neither. Pain is a feeling every single person will experience. Pain can be caused by

others or done to yourself. The worst part about the pain caused by others is that you let them

hurt you. You became vulnerable and let them in. Others can hurt you only if you give them the

power to hurt you. Pain is beautiful, but can also be very dangerous.

I remember becoming sad, actually, I became more than just sad. I was clinically

depressed. I was suicidal. The serotonin in my brain was disappearing quicker than a magician

can make a human disappear. Along with taking every part of my body, he had complete and

utter control over my brain. (I bet you are wondering a few things, “How is this possible?” Two,

“Why did you allow him to do that?” And three, “What led to this?” I can not completely answer
these questions. One thing I do know is when someone hurts you and they are also so good at

manipulating your brain into thinking what they want, you feel not in control of your life.)

Excuse my language, but the simple way to put it is: he mind fucked me. It can be proven that he

caused my depression, anxiety, and PTSD. He is the one to blame for my mental downfall.

Looking back years later, it was the darkest part of my life. I wanted everything to end. I

was tired of waking up every morning, eating and showering every day, seeing friends. I turned

into something I was not. I was not the kind of girl that this would happen to, I was a high

achieving student who was going to college and had hoped for the future. After him, I was

mentally ill. My grades started slipping and I did not see myself going to college anymore, I did

not want to live that long. I did not want to live another day.

Today, I am doing better. I am still mentally ill but have become better at handling my

past and what had happened to me. I have seen many counselors and take medication every day.

He was the person who caused this and I would do anything to go back in time and change what

happened because I did not deserve what he did to me. When it became time to pick a college, I

did not know where to go because a year before I did not even picture myself going to college.

To be honest, I did not think I would live this long to be on a college campus, yet here I am with

one year already completed.

After him, I have realized that you need to live life one day at a time and reward yourself

for the little things. You never know what can happen, life can change in an instant.
 ---

Endnotes

In April of 2019, I walked into the police station to report I had been sexually assaulted.

After almost three years, on March 17, 2021, he pleaded guilty to the criminal sexual assault of a

minor. The court system is messed up and his punishment will never be equal to what I went

through. That man took everything from me, including my will to live. He caused me to end up

in a mental hospital after attempting suicide. He messed me up in so many ways that I didn't

even know were possible. After losing your virginity to a man that sexually assaulted you, that

changes how you view sex, your body, your mindset, and your whole entire self. Just know that

I am supportive of any victims that have gone through the same thing I have, I am here for you.

I hope that you are comfortable with getting the help you need if something like this has or if this

happens to you. I will stand for you and with you, #MeToo.