Correction Feedback

22\08\2015
[add a line]
Dr Penny Clifton
Department of Cardiothoracic
Surgery Central Hospital
Main Street Stillwater
[line]
Dear Dr Clifton,
Re: Mrs Mary Clarke,
DOB: 17\08\2015
[line]
I am writing to request an urgent assessment and follow up investigations for Mrs Clarke, who Commented [ms1]: follow-up
presented today manifesting signs and symptoms suggestive of bronchogenic carcinoma. [avoid
one-sentence paragraph]
[line]
Today, Mrs Clarke presented complaining of a dry non-productive cough over the last seven weeks,
and it was associated with a mild shortness of breath, especially at night, and a strange sensation in
the chest. Her cough started with flu-like symptoms, which was cleared by Augmentin. Her
respiratory exam revealed signs of consolidation that were associated with monophonic wheeze in Commented [ms2]: examination
the right mid-zone. Her chest X-ray and CT showed a right middle lobe atelectasis accompanied by
an enlarged right hilum. Bronchogenic carcinoma was suspected as a provisional diagnosis.
[line]
Regarding Mrs Clarke ‘s family history, her mother died at the age of 66 due to laryngeal
carcinoma. Please note, she smokes heavily. [avoid ultrashort sentence]
[line]
Based on the above-mentioned data, your immediate evaluation and investigations for Mrs Clarke
to confirm this provisional diagnosis would be greatly acknowledged. [one-sentence paragraph]
[line]
If you require any further clarification, please do not hesitate to get in contact.
[line]
Yours sincerely,
Doctor

Report
Color coding:

Color code sample Meaning

[Color code sample] Irrelevant data

[color code sample] Missing relevant information

[Color code sample] Not wrong but can be written in a better style

[Color code sample] Critically wrong sentence structure

[Color code sample] No evidence from the case notes

[Color code sample] Stamp sentence

Color code sample Repeated mistake which was corrected before

Color code sample Extra word/phrase/sentence

Color code sample Repeated word/phrase/sentence/idea

All Rights Reserved © https://oetwritingmastery.com

 Correction Feedback

Word Count: 158

Your Score: 26/38
Grade: 340
Feedback:
1. Always proofread the letter.
2. You should add lines between paragraphs.
3. Great effort and improvement are noted than in your previous letter.
4. This is a relatively short letter which is missing the proper expansion of the case
notes and some important relevant data.
5. Your organization score will be affected if you wrote only one sentence in a
paragraph because the paragraph should contain at least two sentences.
6. Focus on the proper use of articles with countable and uncountable especially
“the”. Use the following link for more information
https://oetwritingmastery.com/the-ultimate-guide-to-uncountable-nouns-in-oet-
writing/
7. Symptoms that happen many times throughout patient’s life are countable,
like: headache, cough….etc.

What Next:

 Improve your language and grammatical skills.

 Check score details to find your point of weakness.
 Rewrite the letter with the correction by your hand.
 Learn from mistakes in your previous letters.
 Follow our facebook page to get promotions and coupon codes:
https://www.facebook.com/oetwritingmastery
 Join our facebook group to share your experience and find other colleagues:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/oetwritingmastery/
 Join our grade A & B letters channel in telegram to have a look at the most
beautiful writing styles: https://t.me/joinchat/AAAAAFXfqh2PFlcKJPsXAg

Score Details:

1. Purpose
Your
Description Grade
Score
Purpose of document is immediately apparent and sufficiently expanded as
3
required

Purpose of document is apparent but not sufficiently highlighted or expanded 2

Purpose of document is not immediately apparent and may show very limited
1
3
expansion

Purpose of document is partially obscured/unclear and/or misunderstood 0

All Rights Reserved © https://oetwritingmastery.com

 Correction Feedback

2. Content
Your
Description Grade
Score
Content is appropriate to intended reader and addresses what is needed
to continue care (key information is included; no important details 7
missing); content from case notes is accurately represented

Performance shares features of bands 5 and 7 6

Content is appropriate to intended reader and mostly addresses what is

needed to continue care; content from case notes is generally accurately 5
represented

Performance shares features of bands 3 and 5 4

Content is mostly appropriate to intended reader; some key information 6

(about case or to continue care) may be missing; there may be some 3
inaccuracies in content

Performance shares features of bands 1 and 3 2

Content does not provide intended reader sufficient information about

the case and what is needed to continue care; key information is missing 1
or inaccurate

Performance below Band 1 0

3. Conciseness & Clarity

Your
Description Grade
Score
Length of document is appropriate to case and reader (no irrelevant
information included); information is summarised effectively and 7
presented clearly

Performance shares features of bands 5 and 7 6

Length of document is mostly appropriate to case and reader;

5
information is mostly summarised effectively and presented clearly

Performance shares features of bands 3 and 5 4

Inclusion of some irrelevant information distracts from overall clarity of

4
3
document; attempt to summarise only partially successful

Performance shares features of bands 1 and 3 2

Clarity of document is obscured by the inclusion of many unnecessary

1
details; attempt to summarise not successful

Performance below Band 1 0

All Rights Reserved © https://oetwritingmastery.com

 Correction Feedback

4. Genre & Style

Your
Description Grade
Score
Writing is clinical/factual and appropriate to genre and reader (discipline
and knowledge); technical language, abbreviations and polite language 7
are used appropriately for document and recipient

Performance shares features of bands 5 and 7 6

Writing is clinical/factual and appropriate to genre and reader with

occasional, minor inappropriacies; technical language, abbreviations and 5
polite language are used appropriately with minor inconsistencies

Performance shares features of bands 3 and 5 4

Writing is at times inappropriate to the document or target reader; over-

3
5
reliance on technical language and abbreviations may distract reader

Performance shares features of bands 1 and 3 2

The writing shows inadequate understanding of the genre and target

reader; mis- or over-use of technical language and abbreviations cause 1
strain for the reader
Writing is clinical/factual and appropriate to genre and reader (discipline
and knowledge); technical language, abbreviations and polite language 7
are used appropriately for document and recipient

5. Organisation & Layout

Your
Description Grade
Score
Organisation and paragraphing are appropriate, logical and clear; key
information is highlighted and sub-sections are well organised; document 7
is well laid out

Performance shares features of bands 5 and 7 6

Organisation and paragraphing are generally appropriate, logical and

clear; occasional lapses of organisation in sub-sections and/or highlighting 5
of key information; layout is generally good

Performance shares features of bands 3 and 5 4

Organisation and paragraphing are not always logical, creating strain for 4
the reader; key information may not be highlighted; layout is mostly 3
appropriate with some lapses

Performance shares features of bands 1 and 3 2

Organisation not logical, putting strain on the reader; or heavy reliance on

case note structure; key information is not well highlighted and the layout 1
may not be appropriate

Performance below Band 1 0

All Rights Reserved © https://oetwritingmastery.com

 Correction Feedback

6. Language

Your
Description Grade
Score
Language features (spelling/punctuation/vocabulary/ grammar/sentence
7
structure) are accurate and do not interfere with meaning

Performance shares features of bands 5 and 7 6

Minor slips in language generally do not interfere with meaning 5

Performance shares features of bands 3 and 5 4

Inaccuracies in language, in particular in complex structures, cause minor

3
4
strain for the reader but do not interfere with meaning

Performance shares features of bands 1 and 3 2

Inaccuracies in language cause considerable strain for the reader and may
1
interfere with meaning

Performance below Band 1 0

All Rights Reserved © https://oetwritingmastery.com