CHAUCERPOLITAN

CHAUCERPOLITAN April 2011

Love advice from

the Real Housewife
of Bath

Spice up
your
SEX LIFE
with
these
secrets!

Is your man cheating?

HOT GUYS AND
COLD MEN! Beat him at his own
game!
CHAUCERPOLITAN

Let’s Talk About Sex! by the Real Housewife of Bath

So your husband thinks you’re a harlet for showing some skin? Scolded again for
trying to help the family pocket book in exchange for a nether purse? Don’t let your nonexistent
freedoms get you down! Sex is unlimited;God encouraged Adam and Eve to do it. Remind your old-
fashioned husband of this next time he’s ruining the mood. I’ve always told all my husbands, “In wyf-
hode I wol use myn instrument/ As frely as my Makere hath it sent./ If I be daungerous, God yeve me
sorwe!/ Myn housbond shal it have bothe eve and morwe.” (154-158)

If that doesn’t work, here are some tips to get your husband to man up:

- Tell him Fidelity is overrated. (note: this doesn’t

always work in your favor.)

- If he’s older, you can use senility in your favor!

Get him really confused and then guilt trip him. He won’t
want to admit he has no idea what’s going on, which is
sure to make him want to put you back in your place.

- “Genitals weren’t made for nothing,” (121-124)

- Remind him Christ was rewarded for his suffer-

ings. “And have his tribulacioun withal/ Upon his flessh,
whyl that I am his wyf.” (160-164) Doesn’t he see that
you’ve waited patiently too?

- If Jesus doesn’t sway him, there’s also Solomon,

Abraham, and Jacob making serious notches in their
bedposts

- Claim your “marriage debt,” he owes it to you as

your husband! Now wherwith sholde he make his pay-
ement/ If he ne used his sely instrument?” (135-138)

- If that doesn’t work, make him think you owe

Get creative! Remember not
him! Tempt him with a refreshing loaf of barley bread.
everything you have to say or
“Lat hem be breed of pure whete-seed,/
believe needs to be necessar-
And lat us wyves hoten barly-breed./ And yet with barly-
breed, Mark telle can,/ Oure Lord Jesu refresshed many ily true. “For half so boldely can
a man.” (148-152) ther no man/ Swere and lyen as
a womman can.” (233-234)
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MEET
As a housewife, experience has taught me well.

YOUR
Using my sexuality as a form of power has proven to be
quite effective. Other categories in life have not been so
fortunate. I’m sure you are waiting for a knight to cap-
ture you from a life of boredom/loneliness/unhappiness/
without love.

MATCH I hate to burst your bubble, but it won’t happen

that way. Five marriages in, and I have yet to find what
love has to do with marriage.

“Thou likenest wommenes love to helle,
To bareyne lond, ther water may nat dwelle.
Thou liknest it also to wilde fyr;
The moore it brenneth, the moore it hath desir
To consume every thyng that brent wole be.”
(377-381)
No use crying over old bacon, right?
I received some treasures along the
way, and a good lay, but love is
nothing but power and beauty.

And so, without further hesitation, I give you.....

The FIVE Most

Eligible Bachelors
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Husband #1: Chamberlain

What can I say? When you know, you know!

And I knew Chamberlain had too much money for his own good.
He needed someone to help him remember how to have fun...
with money. I was young, and always singing songs for him. Al-
though he didn’t understand what I was saying half of the time.
Usually our nights would end with me reminding him who I was
and where he was. I’ll give him credit though, Chamberlain was

Unfortunately, he has actually expired, so you won’t be getting

lucky with this one. (Not much of a difference from when he
was still kicking it though!)
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Husband # 2: Latimer
Oh, Latimer. I know you meant well.

My second husband was like the ill-tempered grandfather that no longer

has anything positive to say. You would have thought he’d be satisfied
with all that money, and the gorgeous mansion with marble floors, and
an incredible garden facing the pool. I was always throwing my graceful
body aroung, dancing for him and laughing. What more could a man ask
for? Latimer always stressed about my role in public. I think he was jeal-
ous, making him all the more endearing. Poor guy just couldn’t keep up.
Unfortunately, he did not match my young spirit, and I eventually fled.

(That may or may not also have resulted in expirational circumstances.)

CHAUCERPOLITAN

G6

Husband # 3: Mace
Mace was quite the character.

I met him through church, and I found him rather annoying.

You see, Mace always felt the need to give a larger offering than
anyone else, and no one likes a show-off. Some of us were try-
ing to be in the good graces of the community too! (And the
priest was so cute!)

Anyway, I let him take me out after several accounts of flat-

tery. It humors me to watch a man think he’s taking charge of
me.

Unfortunately Mace failed to prove his quirky character in the

bedroom. And the only bottles he got popping where the ones
containing his pills. I grew tired of the lack of chemistry, and
ironically, nature kicked in at the same time.

Mace kicked the bucket and I swore I’d never date my grandfa-
ther again.
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Husband # 4: Brentley
Where to begin with this one...

As you can see, third time was not a charm for me.

So I decided to dive a little younger. I was done caring about money, and was definitely in need of a
young man to refresh my spirits. But I had no idea I’d fall quite as hard as I did for Brentley. He was
charming and attractive, and though I was always blessed in the department of beauty, a fair amount
of weathering will give a girl a few laugh lines. With that, I began to grow increasingly jealous, suspi-
cious of my husband’s infidelity.

I decided to play him at his own game, thinking how clever I was for something that was surely not
even an issue. Unfortunately, that did not work out. The jealousy drew him completely mad, and I just
had to do something about it. It also turned out that his intentions were elsewhere, so although we
had a lot in common, I just didn’t really see it going anywhere.
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Husband # 5: Jankyn

Jankyn was my biggest chal-

lenge and deepest, unexplain-
able love. Much like myself,
Jankyn was very well educated.
He was much younger than
me, and my pace had slowed
a bit. I no longer danced and
sang quite as jovially as I used
to, and after all my marriages
had settled, I was quite well off
financially. all the money and
was able to function quite fine
on my own, so I really didn’t
need to dance and sing to lure
in men like I did years ago. But
this time Jankyn lured me in.
Although he didn’t have money
like my first husbands did, he
had something none of them
ever could compare with- he
was quite wealthy in his neth-
erpurse,. We had our struggles,
he put up a good fight. But
I couldn’t compete with him
anymore. He was too strong,
constantly outdid me, and the
bruises were getting hard to
cover up. Anyway, if you’re into
the bad boy, Jankyn is your
type. I’m not exactly sure of
his current status, but I’m sure
he’s just dying to meet you!
 CHAUCERPOLITAN

WHAT

WOMEN

WANT

We’re not asking for much, just a little bit of:

LOVE ATTENTION FLATTERY

HONOR STABILITY

MONEY POWER

DOMINANCE OVER
MALES
CHAUCERPOLITAN