RunningHead: Death over dinner Write-up

Death Dinner Write-up

Isabel Gross

HLTH 348 Summer 2020

California State University Channel Islands

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For my final End of Life Assignment, I chose to do “Death over Dinner”. At first I

was unsure of how it was going to work. In the end I decided that it would be an

interesting assignment to complete. To start off with I went to deathoverdinner.com and

started to follow the prompts. First it asked me “who would I like to invite,” I chose my

parents, Significant other, Friends and kids. (Death) But then I realized I don’t have any

kids, so I didn’t end up inviting them. Then it prompted me to choose my intentions. It

had several different options to choose from. I chose “I think being prepared for decline

in health and end of life is super important” (Death). Then I had to pick One article to

read, one video to watch and one podcast to listen to. I chose “The 9 things no one talks

about scattering ashes” to read, “let’s talk about dying” to watch and “what doesn’t kill

you”. Finally it prompted me to put in my email. So they would sent me a link to an

invitation I could send to my friends. The email then told me for the best results of this

dinner is to have everybody read, watch and listen to the links. Then my next steps

were clear, I had to plan this dinner. I sent out the invitations for when it was going to

happen and what was to be expected from them. It was very clear for everybody

involved to know what they are about to get into.

The next steps were to get prepared. I started with reading the article “The 9

things no one talks about scattering ashes”. This article was informative but interesting

at the same time. The author talked about how she might spread her late husband's

ashes. Then, she came up with 9 things that are not talked about in scattering

someone's ashes. The first point she brang up was “There will be bones.” (Modernloss)

I never had really thought about how a body was cremated but it makes sense that the

ashes will not be perfect. She also brought up a good point about taking pictures at the
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places you spread their ashes. She said “I shoot photos of the flower and ash floating

on the water so relatives who aren’t present can share the experience. Also because I

want to remember the exact slant of light, sunset or bird formation unfolding in this

moment” (Modernloss) This quote is very important because it really shows how

powerful a photo could be. It seems as if it was a simple idea, but it can make memories

you never thought possible.

Next up on my list to prepare was to watch the TedTalk called “Lets talk about

dying”(Ted). That video was very informative. The speaker talked about his journey

learning that not everybody really talks about how their funeral and ceremony take

place. He then goes into detail about how he can make an impact at the hospital he

works at. He can bring up those awkward conversations that no one wants to discuss.

The next podcast I listened to called “What doesn’t Kill you” This podcast starts

with discussing the awkward and uncomfortable discussion they are about to have. It

was a disclaimer explaining that the next few topics are not to be dealt with easily. They

have stories of how people cope with death, disease and how it can come up when your

least expecting it.

Now it was time to have my dinner. I used this activity to not discuss my own

plans about what happens after I die, but to use it as an informational setting. I think it is

very important for everybody around you to be informed and comfortable talking about

death. With that said, I ended up inviting my parents, siblings, boyfriend and close

friends. I have them each bring a different food. This was to make sure everybody had a

full stomach so we could talk openly and with full belly’s. I then wanted to thank
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everybody for showing up and wanted to make sure they knew this was a safe and

comfortable space to share their feelings.

We then started eating and talking. I had made sure I came prepared because I

wanted to make sure the evening would go smoothly. I started asking questions like

“Have you ever helped provide care for a good friend or relative who died in a way that

you wouldn’t consider a good death? Were there ways the experience was harder than

it needed to be?What about providing care was valuable to you?” and “If you could

choose anyone at all to sing at your funeral or memorial service, who would it be? What

would you ask them to sing? Who would you want to speak at your funeral?”. I knew

that these questions aren't easy to answer so I went first. I knew that If I shared

something personal about myself, it would be easier for everybody else to open up and

talk about their life. I also disclaimed that this was in no way a discussion that I wanted

them to die or anything like that. I just knew that If I started these dinners and they

enjoyed them. They would be willing to try this out with their close friends and family.

During this dinner we had many good discussions. I actually learned a lot about what

my parents would want in the future when they pass away. I honestly had no

expectations about what was going to happen but I thoroughly enjoyed all the

conversations I had.

To end the night, Deathoverdinner.com recommended to do “An Appreciation in

the Round. This is a simple game to complete the conversation and the dinner.

Someone begins by selecting a person on their left, and sharing one thing they admire

about that person—the circle continues until everyone has been admired once.” (Death)

I thought this was a fantastic idea. It really brought out the good in everybody. Earlier at
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dinner we talked about some pretty heavy stuff, so to end the night with something light

and easy was the perfect way to finish the dinner.

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Reference Page

Death Over Dinner -. (n.d.). Retrieved July 03, 2020, from https://deathoverdinner.org/

The 9 Things No One Tells You About Scattering Ashes. (2017, December 08).

Retrieved July 03, 2020, from https://modernloss.com/will-bones/

Saul, P. (n.d.). Let's talk about dying. Retrieved July 03, 2020, from

https://www.ted.com/talks/peter_saul_let_s_talk_about_dying

[Video file]. (2018, February 19). Retrieved July 03, 2020, from

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/476/what-doesnt-kill-you