THE COMEDY

COCKPIT!

Visual gags
to take you
to a higher
altitude!

BY GRAHAM HEY 1
2
 INTRODUCTION
Hello! Thank you for buying this book of visual gags and one liners.

I’ve seen hundreds of magicians over the past few years, and when I
think back - the things I remember most are the visual gags, it’s hardly
ever the tricks they’ve done! The mind has a way of remembering visual
items, and the effect of a good visual gag or hilarious throw-away line can
be worth much more than a great piece of skill, in my opinion.

In this book, you’ll find a collection of very easy-to-do visual gags, plus a
selection of lines that really do work.

Remember that not all jokes will work for you, but give them a chance!

I hope you enjoy this book and use some of the items within!

Graham

1
 DVDS
This is one of my popular gags when I perform on the
cruise ships, and it works equally as well in any situation.

Perform:
“At the end of the show I will selling a selection of my
DVDs... I have Jurassic park at 2.99, King Kong at 4.99.
And Dirty Dancing at 1.99...” (As you call out the DVDs,
hold up the DVDs one at a time... once the audience start
to laugh, you’ll instinctively know when to stop reading them out...).

PLEASE NOTE: For some reason, and I have no idea why, JURASSIC
PARK always works really well as the first DVD name you read out...
maybe because everyone has heard of it, and it is in most people’s
collection? Who knows, but I suggest you don’t change this!

This ALWAYS gets a big laugh and is one of my favourite gags. I perform
this on cruise ships - where the guests are forever being sold to, so when
the twist comes at the end, they can really identify with the gag. Also,
many performers also sell their CDs or DVDs, so everyone gets this gag,
whether you are performing close up, or stand-up. It’s so easy to do -
and you would be crazy not to try out this gag!

KILLER ONE LINER TO USE AT

THE END OF YOUR SHOW
I cannot recommend this line highly enough! I don’t know where it
originates from, but the late, great Aldo Colombini told this to me years
ago, and it’s a sure-fire winner – don’t take my word for it – try it!

“You’ve been a wonderful audience – give yourselves a standing ovation!”

2
 THE GUN
Introduction:
This is a great piece of comedy and is a variation of a very old gag - but
I can’t remember who originally came up with the idea. All I know is that
this will get you a huge laugh and is very easy to accomplish. You don’t
need any props for this, but you do need a recording of a ‘gunshot’ - I
actually took mine from Youtube.com

Perform:
Have a lady on stage and do a ‘quick’ trick with - one that you can get
wrong on purpose pretty quickly. I ask her to think of a card very quickly
to see if I can connect with her, and then I get it wrong... I then leave a
few seconds of awkward silence. Then, you proceed to take the lady
off stage to the side... after about 3 seconds, a large gun shot is fired.
Then a couple of seconds later you walk back on stage, look at the
audience and say: “OK, who else wants to choose a card?” A good twist
on this was suggested to me by Mel Mellers who said that maybe the
lady should walk back on - (possibly with a gun, having obviously just
shot the performer) and says something along the lines of, “I can do this
show without HIM!”

AT THE END OF THE SHOW

“Have a safe trip back to the bar!”

3
 MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!
Introduction:
Here’s a funny way to introduce a trick, either for close-up or stage.
Again, anyone can do this, and is guaranteed to get your next effect off
to a positive start!

Bring out a wad of £50 notes with an elastic band around them. “Would
you like to win that?” Everyone will say yes, and in fact, you often get the
whole table cheering! You could even say: “Give me a cheer if you’d like
to win that!”

You follow it up by saying: “Why on earth you’d want to win an elastic (or
rubber band, depending on what you call it in your own country!) band is
beyond me!” (As you say this, you are removing the band and placing the
money back into your jacket. And throw the band down onto the table...
this is a very good way to introduce yourself at a table, rather than saying
“I’m a magician!” (which automatically turns some people off!)

ONE LINER
“You might like to consider while watching this, that when we applaud,
we burn up to 50 calories!”

*This is a very good ‘recurring’ joke that you can use several times during
your act. Whenever you think you should’ve got more applause, just
remind them about ‘burning calories!’ And the audience will break out
into applause again!

4
 AT THE START OF
YOUR SHOW...
“Due to an accident during rehearsal, I won’t be performing my scheduled
‘Pig from a Cannon’ tonight. But on another note, you can buy a delicious
pork sandwich during the interval…”.

A TORN & RESTORED

CLASSIC
Introduction:
This is a gag that plays on
people’s perceptions of what you
can do as a magician and will get
you a big laugh every time. All you
will need for this is a couple of
pages of newspaper. You could
even use this as a comedy intro
before you do a ‘real’ newspaper
trick... or as an introduction to
ANY magic trick…

Bring out the newspaper and say, “I’ve subscribed to one of those online
magic courses, and it’s going really well - so I’m now going to show
you something I’ve learnt.” (You then proceed to get out a few pages of
newspaper. You then proceed to dramatically tear the newspaper into
several pieces....

After you’ve done this, you now say: “And when I’ve done next month’s
online lesson, I’ll show you how to restore it!” I often say: “And when I’ve
done next month’s online lesson, I’ll show you how to restore THAT!”
(And as I say the word “THAT” - I point to all the pieces on the floor! …
And then I move swiftly on to the next item…

5
 TORN & RESTORED #2
Now here’s a little classic, playing on the torn and restored newspaper
theme. You do not have to use a newspaper for this visual gag – a
magazine will also do the trick. I saw a friend of mine perform this over
15 years ago, and it still makes me laugh even now! The great thing
about this version is that you do not even need to say a single word, it is
all self-explanatory.

This is what you do:

Proceed to bring out a couple of pages from a newspaper, and show the
front and back, inside etc, as if you were showing the audience that it is
an ordinary newspaper. Then tear it in half, and carry on tearing strips of
newspaper and then tear them in half and in half again… Once you have
a small pile of pieces, make some movements with your hands, as if you
were squeezing them together in order to restore the newspaper to its
original state. Now take a close look at the pile of newspaper pieces in
your hand, and then go over to your table and place them under the leg
which is nearest the audience, and then ‘test’ the table to make sure this
it is now level!! You could end by saying something like: “that table’s been
annoying me for months!!”

ONE LINERS
“I attract a certain kind of person to my shows… over here we have a
group who are all wearing straight-jackets… Let’s hope they belong to
the Houdini Fan Club…”

“This is my 79th show so far this year. Surely, this one’s got to be a
success!!”

6
 SHOE SQUEAKER
You all know about those little squeakers you can get from magic dealers.
A classic is to place one under your shoe immediately in the space where
the heel begins. Then, as you walk on stage, it makes a funny sound
every time you put a particular foot down on the floor. For a comedy act,
this is a great on-going gag. It’s silly, but audiences love simple humour.
Just try it.

You could actually get a stage-hand to have one, and when you stop
walking, get them to continue making the squeaker sound! You look at
your shoes, then look around you, and carry on…

ONE LINER
“When I was 12 my mum found my S&M magazines. She never spanked
me again…”

BIG PENCIL
This is one of my favourite gags, it’s so easy to do, yet always gets a
laugh. I love ‘big’ props, so when I saw a giant pencil in my local store, I
knew I had to have it! These are very easy to get hold of. The bigger the
pencil, the bigger the laugh! This is a great intro for a card trick, either
close-up or on stage… You can get these on eBay if you have no luck
elsewhere!

 ll you need is a very big pencil, and a few

A
small stickers – the smaller the better!

 erform:
P
Place the pencil inside your jacket.
Have the stickers close at hand.

7
You say: “As you can imagine, I haven’t been getting much work recently
(people will laugh at this point – you just pause, and then carry on), so I
have been trying to save money wherever I can. I’d like someone to select
and sign a card for me, but I don’t want to waste a playing card, so it
would help me if you could sign a sticker… is that OK?” (They say ‘yes!’).

You get out the GIANT PENCIL exactly at the same time as you say:
“Great, well, you just pop your name on there then….” The production of
the huge pencil will definitely get a great reaction. I use this in close-up all
the time, and it always delivers a laugh!

MIND READING CLIPBOARD

Tell the audience you are going to do a quick mindreading effect. You
write a prediction onto your clipboard and position it in full view, but they
cannot see what you have written. Throw out a small pad & pen and ask
three spectators to write down any 3-digit number. Then ask someone
else to add them all up. When they shout out the total, turn around your
own clipboard prediction and say: “Well, it looks like YOU’RE right!” And
move swiftly on….

In the comedy clubs years ago, I used to quickly say: “Anyone, give me a
number between 1 and a million!” (someone would shout out a number).
You look at your pad, and at your prediction… pause… then rip the page
off your pad, screw it up and throw it onto the floor. Moving on without
any further reference to it, say: “Tonight I’m going to be showing you…”
etc, etc…

IF SOMEONE’S WALKING
VERY SLOWLY TO THE STAGE
Look at your watch and then say; ”Can someone get him a taxi?”

8
 BIG FINALÉ!
“Just to let you know, the 500 white
doves I was going to release for my
big finalé escaped by accident during
rehearsal, so I won’t be doing that
now…” You then turn around for a prop
or something, and on your back is a ton
of bird s**t! All you need to do is paint lots
of white streak on your jacket – probably
best to get a jacket from a charity shop
or thrift store for this gag! But try it…you won’t regret it!

GAETAN BLOOM’S STANDING

CARD VARIATION!
Gaetan’s standing card trick blew me away when I first saw it, and it’s a
close-up effect I still perform for friends whenever I get the opportunity.
You can see it on Youtube.com

It’s a very easy, yet brilliantly conceived effect. A couple of years ago
I had the opportunity to do a corporate convention close-up gig for a
food company where I had to perform tricks which related to their field of
business, so I adapted the Standing Card trick and it went down great.
I’ve always stuck with this routine ever since, and people seem to really
love it!

I suggest you buy Gaetan’s effect (it’s a download and is NOT expensive).
Then all you have to do is substitute the playing cards for either a Jacob’s
Cream Cracker or a Ryvita cracker...

9
Effect:
The performer says he’s going to try an experiment with someone - and
all they have to do is copy what the performer does. A packet of biscuits
is opened - which shows they are normal... They are examined, ANY
4 are removed and then the spectator selects two for himself and the
performer takes the remaining two.

The performer says that he is going to conduct an experiment, and the

spectator has to copy him...the performer opens a packet of crackers or
biscuits (cookies) and asks the spectator to shuffle them and then select
2 for himself and 2 for the performer. What could be fairer than that?
The magician takes his own 2 biscuits and stands them up, so they are
balanced against each other like when you build a house of cards. When
the magician knocks one of his biscuits over, the remaining one is still
impossibly standing!!! Of course, the spectator then tries it and both his
own biscuits fall over. This is tried a couple of times and each time, the
magician’s biscuits defy gravity, while the spectator’s biscuits fall over.
You can even swap biscuits and it works perfectly!! Finally, you can eat
the evidence! This is such a fun routine and is addictive. I’ve spent hours
doing this on my own and it still amazes me... All the credit is Gaetan’s
though...the man is a genius!

ANNOUNCEMENTS
“Ladies & gentlemen, there is strictly no photography allowed during
tonight’s show, as I’m supposed to be on sick leave…”

“It can be very frustrating when I am performing, as lots of people

continually bang on the doors. In the end, we usually let them out…”

10
 UNFINISHED BUSINESS
This is a lovely, funny bit that you can place into your act between tricks.
It is easy to do and will get you laughs for nothing!

Place 3 items into a paper bag: For example, a blue silk scarf, a single
piece of rope, and a jumbo playing card.

Say: “Unfortunately at last night’s show I ran out of time and could
not finish my last three tricks… I would like to complete them now….“
Remove each item as you say: “As you can see, the red scarf has now
turned blue, the rose is now completely restored, and the torn card is
back in one piece!”

*(You can use any three objects you like, but it’s best if they relate to
classic magic effects as the audience understand the concept of the joke
more easily!).

ONE LINER
“I have to say that it’s always a pleasure to be in the company of civilised,
decent, intelligent people… And of course, I also enjoy evenings like these…”

SANITIZER
Here’s a good ‘running gag’. The more you do it, the
funnier it becomes. If you are at a table, each time
someone is going to help you out by choosing a card
etc... take out a bottle of hand sanitizer and give them
a squirt, without saying anything to them. This also
works really well in a stand-up situation when you do it
to everyone who comes on stage to help you out!

11
Whenever you go to eat on a cruise ship, there are staff members
everywhere with hand sanitizers ready to squirt some liquid into your
hands. A funny thing is to have a member of the technical staff primed
with a hand sanitizer to come on stage every time you get a member of
the audience to help - and to squirt liquid into their palms! You can do this
in close-up too: Have a bottle of sanitizer that you have put a new label
on which people will easily be able to read. On the label it says: “Kills the
germs of dodgy looking people…” or write your own funny label!

ONE LINER
“I’ve been in love with the same woman for over 20 years. Hopefully my
wife will never find out…”

FRUITY
One of my favourite performers is the fabulous Nathan Kranzo and I saw
him do a great gag using a bag of fruit during his comedy club act, and
it inspired me to do something using a similar premise…. This is set-up
with a member of the audience (or someone at a table) but is so worth
it! It’s only a gag anyway – but it will get you laughs, and ALSO amaze!
You need: A paper bag just big enough to put in 3 different fruits (a
banana, orange, and apple) – so this is a pretty small bag – and it needs
to be small for the gag to work, you’ll see in a moment!.

Perform:
“In this bag I have a single piece of fruit!” (hold u p
the small bag). Ask a spectator to name ANY
fruit! They say: “PINEAPPLE!”

This gets a really good laugh as it is

impossible for a pineapple to be in such a

12
small bag! When they say ‘pineapple’, you peer into the bag as if you are
looking for a pineapple somewhere….
Say: “I’m really sorry, but all I have in here is a banana! (look disappointed).
But there is good news… it actually says PINEAPPLE on the back! (Turn
the banana around to reveal ‘pineapple’ written on it!). Then say: “I tried
to cover all possibilities, so I cheated - I also brought an apple and an
orange!!! And l’ve been really lucky tonight, as I also wrote ‘PINEAPPLE’
on the back of these too!”

Ending:
If you desire, you could just have the BANANA in the bag, and in advance,
cut up some pineapple and replace the banana inside the skin with it,
and then re-seal it. Bring out the banana, the spectators think you’ve got
it wrong, and then you say you’re a bit hungry and peel the banana to
reveal PINEAPPLE!!

Another idea: If you don’t mind a very quick bit of pre-show work,
just have some cards with fruit names written on them and force the
card which has the word PINEAPPLE on it, then during the show ask
the spectator if he has an item of fruit in his mind… “Earlier on I asked
you to simply THINK of an item of fruit – do you have that fruit in your
mind?” (when you force the pineapple card on him, give it him to put into
his pocket “just in case he forgets” – this is a safety device, as if he calls
out a different fruit, you can ask him to hold up the card he selected and
show the people around him – so he basically cannot cheat! Of course,
up until this point (and hopefully it never will) the audience won’t be aware
of any card, as the force was done pre-show!

ONE LINER
To a gentleman on stage: “You follow instructions very well… are you
married?”

13
 CROSSWORD
Engage a member of the audience: “I’d like you to think of a man’s
name…. it’s got seven letters…. A movie star…. First name ‘Sean’ last
name begins with the letter ‘C’ he’s from Scotland and played JAMES
BOND….” When the audience member says: ‘Sean Connery’ – you
say: “Thank god for that, it’s been on the tip of my tongue for ages! I
never thought I’d finish that crossword!” (As you say this, you bring out
a crossword book and pretend to fill in the last spaces to complete your
crossword!)

ONE LINERS
“My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh
more!”

“It’s nice to see so many beautiful people in the audience” (take off your
glasses and ‘polish them’ and put them back on) “Like I said, it’s nice to
see so many people in the audience…”

GLASS-CUTTER
Here’s a gag that will always get you a huge laugh, but it’s a bit of hassle
to set it up – but worth it! Hold up a small plane of glass and ask the
audience if anyone has a glass cutter with them… (you are going
to show them something amazing!!!). This is where your ‘plant’
in the audience helps you out. From the back of the room,
they come to the stage pushing a lawn mower. “No!”
you say, “I asked for GLASS-cutter…” This will get
a huge laugh, if you can set it up…

14
 INTRO
“Unfortunately, a few minutes before the show, I had an argument with
the stage-hand, but we are professional, and everything is OK now…
(Look off-stage) Could I have a pack of cards please?” Someone off
stage throws on a pack of cards loose, and they fall all over the stage
while you have your hand held out as if to catch the box.

ONE LINER
“This next trick was handed down from generation to generation.
Because nobody wanted it!”

FLOWERS FOR THE LADY!

I used to have an original gag in my act (when performing for English
spectators which went like this (if I had a lady on stage to help me):

At the end of an effect, I would get the lady to leave the stage to a round
of applause, and as she was leaving suddenly remember something and
call her back. “Sorry, I have some flowers for the lady!” (Sometimes this
would get a burst of applause!) then I bring out
two bags of flour, while saying: “Here’s some
plain flower and some self-raising flour – you’ll
be able to make lots of things with those!”

I then thought of a better and funnier version:

I ask the lady if she likes flowers! She will say
yes! So, I say: “Here’s a packet of flower food
– the next time you get any, they’ll last a little bit
longer!” And I usher her off the stage to laughs!

15
 EVEL KNIEVEL
How I love props!! I always use this in my stand
up shows and it tends to get the biggest laugh
of the night. You’ll need to make a pair of men’s
underpants from some brown material, and
then use some lighter brown tape to make the
‘Y’ shape at the front!

This is what you do:

Say you found some interesting things when you were clearing out your
attic. “These unfashionable, brown underpants are the very ones used
by Evel Knievel when he did his death-defying motorbike jump over the
Grand Canyon. Mind you, they were white when he set off!”

All you have to do is find a few props/items and give each one a gag, and
you have a lovely little interlude during your magic act, or whatever, and
the audience really love it, as it’s funny and fast-moving – and they don’t
have to concentrate as much as when you are explaining a magic trick
or mentalism effect….

STOLEN GOODS
If you have reason to go into the audience to talk to someone – or are
just in the same proximity as people, when you get back on stage say:
“Well that was an interesting walk – it’s amazing what members of the
audience can lose without noticing!” As you say this you proceed to
bring out a selection of weird and wonderful objects from your pocket,
as if you have pickpocketed or stole the items from bags! Items could
include: Watches, mobile phones… or for more adult audiences: Erectile
dysfunction cream, Lube, Extra small condoms… use your imagination!
A pregnancy-testing kit is always good for a laugh, and you can get them
from Poundland in the UK, or Dollar Tree in the USA!

16
 ONE LINERS
“The other night my friend told me he had a problem with his testicles
– they are squashy and pliable! To cheer him up, I took him to Pizza-
Express. I ordered a vegetable pizza, and waiter said: “What about
dough balls?” I said, he can order for himself!”

“I said to my friend, ‘you should close the bedroom curtains in your house,
because when I passed your house on the bus yesterday, I saw you
making love!” He said: “The joke’s on you – I wasn’t at home yesterday!”

MINDREADING MIRACLE!
Here’s a quick gag that will get you a good laugh early on in your act!
Say to a gentleman in the audience: “You look like a lovely audience,
and I need to know if we are all on the same wave-length, so I want to
try a quick experiment with someone. You sir, I’d like you to think of ANY
COUNTRY IN THE WORLD! But try not to think of an obvious one like
the USA, or Russia – try and go for something more obscure… OK, have
you got a country in your mind?” (He says ‘YES’) You say: “For the first
time, I’d like you to name out loud the country you are thinking of….”
He does so – let’s say he says: ‘Botswana’. You reply: “Would you be
impressed if I had ‘Botswana’ on a piece of paper in my back pocket?”
Of course, he’ll say yes! You say: “Well here’s an atlas, it’ll be in there
somewhere!” (You remove a pocket atlas from your back pocket as you
say this. Then you casually
toss it in his direction and
move very swiftly on to your
next effect….)

17
 PUBLIC LIABILITY
As you get a volunteer on stage to help you (or even in a close-up
situation), this is a good gag. You remove a piece of paper from your
jacket, hand them a pen and ask them to sign their name at the bottom,
as you say: “Please could you sign this? – my public liability insurance
has run out, and I need to cover my back! Just sign here…. And here…
and here… (to audience: “we’ll be with you in a minute!”) …and here….
And here… OK, this is your copy, and I keep this one…. (then look off
stage) OK, I think we are ready to do the bullet-catch routine…yes, real
bullets are fine now – we’re covered!” (or look off stage and say: “Please
bring on the crossbow…”)

A CARD TRICK!
“And now it’s time for a card trick!” (hold up a pack of cards). “Please
examine this pack of cards very thoroughly… and while you’re busy
doing that, I’ll do the trick with THESE cards…” (Bring out another deck!)

ANNOUNCEMENT!
I’ve always loved this type of gag, where someone has an announcement
to make before they begin. People always fall for this type of thing –
especially if you do it in a serious manner.

“Before the show begins, I must point out that at no time during tonight’s
show are photographs or video recording permitted, as it may affect my
disability benefits…”

“Firstly, due to ‘Health & Safety’ requirements, at no point during tonight’s

show will I be able to use a volunteer who is drunk. So that rules out all

18
the crew… and, sadly, the Captain!” (I use this on cruise ships, but it can
be adapted to wherever you are performing!)

“Ladies and Gentlemen, due to Health & Safety reasons, I have had to
abandon my plans to use over five million pound’s worth of pyrotechnics
during tonight’s show. I’ve had to compromise…. So let’s get the show
started…” At this point you let off a single ‘party popper’ “There, that was
just as good, wasn’t it?”

SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES
Tell Your audience that you are going to try and influence them, you are
going to try and put a vision of a number into their minds without them
even realising it… “But first let’s start with this …” Begin a trick or routine
where you have to turn around to get something, and on your back in
big white letters in the number 78 or whatever number you want! Later,
after you’ve flashed it a few times, you could ask if someone has got a
high number in their mind. They will hopefully say number ‘78’ to keep
in with the gag, but it’s not important if they don’t! If they DO – you can
open a prediction which says they’ll choose ‘78’! On the other side of
the prediction you could have a reveal of something you got ‘wrong’ on
purpose, earlier…

ONE LINERS
“I did a gig the other week and The Rolling Stones were in the audience
and came backstage to see me afterwards. You don’t believe me? I have
proof – Mick Jagger left his lip balm behind!” As you say this, bring out a
giant tin marked ‘Lip balm’.

“I recently played my first ever game of rugby, and all I remember after
80 minutes, is I was sitting there holding a bruised and swollen testicle…
And I have no idea who it belonged to!”

19
 SIGNING A CARD
Here’s a novelty, fun item for you to use in stand-up or close-up. Have a
pen on a chain, which is fastened to the inside of your jacket – so when
you need to ask someone to sign a card, it’s obviously connected to
you and they can’t steal it!! They usually have pens on chains in BANKS
& POST OFFICES. Say: “I’d like to you sign your name on this card….”
Take out the pen and hand it to them... “…I’ve had a lot of trouble with
dishonest spectators…”

AFTER YOUR INTRO

APPLAUSE
“That was wonderful, were you expecting someone else?”
“Now, can you do that again without the sarcasm?”
“You can’t beat a welcoming ‘slow hand clap!’”

A CLASSIC REVISITED
At certain points in your stand-up act, have someone enter the stage
very slowly, with an egg on a tray… after they’ve walked a few steps,
you say firmly: “Not now!” This happens a few times, and each time
the laughs get bigger… EVENTUALLY, you look off stage and say: “Yes,
NOW!” And as they slowly walk across the stage, they ‘accidentally’ let
the egg roll off and smash on to the floor…

ONE LINER
“My wife says that making love on a cruise ship is more exciting than at
home. That wasn’t a very nice Skype call to receive!”

20
 SELECTING A VOLUNTEER
Here’s a novel and funny way to select a person to help you. It provides
easy laughs and also fills a minute or two of stage time!

Ask all the audience to stand up and answer the following questions
HONESTLY!!!!

“If you’ve ever lied or put a very old photograph of yourself on your
internet dating profile, sit down!”

“I want you to roll an invisible dice in your mind. Some of you will have
an odd number, and some of you an even number. If you are odd – sit
down!”

“If you’ve had an erotic experience in the last 48 hours, please sit down…
But if you were on your own at the time, get back up, because that
doesn’t count!”

Gradually, the numbers standing will dwindle! Now get rid of all the
ladies: “If you’ve ever dressed as a lady, please sit down! That was a bit
embarrassing for a bloke called George last night! Sometimes you can
be TOO honest!”

Then, when you’ve got a few people left, just ask one of the people still
standing, to point to someone else who is still standing – and that’s who
will help you out! This is a fun way to select someone.

ONE LINER
“I have 3 children, all named after where they were conceived. I have
Chelsea, Paris, and my youngest is called ‘McDonald’s Drive through!’”

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 OLD GUY!
If you have an ‘older gentleman’ up on
stage to help you (or even in close-up)
and they are being very slow to either
get up out of their seat, or are very slow
to walk over to you, simply say: “Now,
where did I put my jump leads!!” And if
you can get someone to hand you some, then that would be even funnier
as you say: “Let’s see if we can speed him up a bit!” Or alternatively:
Look off-stage and say: “Pass me the TAZER!” The ‘Tazer’ line is also
good to use if you get an annoying person to help you…

HELPLINE!
If you have a spectator who is a little difficult, or something goes wrong in
your act, here’s a funny thing to do: Say, “Just a moment…” And get out
your phone and pretend to tap in a number. “Yes, is this the entertainer’s
helpline? Yes, that’s right… yes, a difficult volunteer... Well, he won’t
stop talking for a start! …Yes, I’ve thought about hitting him, but, you
know… (look him up and down) “…scruffy shirt, badly fitting trousers…
grey hair… oh, you think he’s caused trouble before? You think he could
be a ‘WANTED’ man? …No, I don’t think anyone would want him! What,
give him twenty quid and send him back to his seat!”

As you can see from the above, you can basically say anything you like to
get a laugh or two… it’s a nice way to do a couple of gags….

******

“I rang my bank yesterday and I was put through to someone in India. I

said, ‘can you put me through to my local bank in Pocklington (insert your
local branch)? He said, “There’s absolutely nothing your local branch can

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do that we can’t! Money transfers, internet banking, changing personal
details… we can do everything they can!” I said, “I’d really like you to
put me through to my local branch!” He replied: “But we have all the
technology to do everything! Loan repayments, cheques, currency
ordering…we can do everything they can do!” I said: “OK, OK…then
could you tell me if I left my umbrella on the counter this morning?”

ROPE TRICK!
Here’s a great gag that you can use if you are
performing for an adult-only audience – you’ll see
why in a moment!) This is a variation of an idea
from the 1940’s which goes to show that humour
can travel through the ages!
Talk about the famous HINDU ROPE TRICK! Tell
the audience that the feat is normally performed
outside, where the Hindu Fakir throws a rope
into the air and a small Hindu boy climbs the
rope which heads into the sky – and then the
boy disappears once he gets to the top! Tell
the audience that you are going to re-create
this AMAZING effect… “right here on this stage
tonight!!!”

Then you say: “Firstly, I need a small Hindu boy…” and look around
the audience… after a few moments pause, say: “OK then, let’s do
something else…” And move swiftly on…

ONE LINERS
“My parents used to make me spend summers with my grandparents.
God, I hate cemeteries!”

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 HUGE CREDIT CARD BILL!
This is a personal favourite from one of my previous books!

This is a blast from the past, and one of my favourite visual gags. It’s
always topical…

“I love Christmas and the holidays, but don’t you just hate it when your
huge credit card bill arrives?” As you say this, gradually unfold a HUGE
(in size) bill.

Take a normal bill and go your local photocopy shop and have it enlarged
until it’s about 3 x 2 feet in size. You’ll probably have to do it in sections
and tape it neatly together. If you do use a real one, be careful you don’t
let your bank details be in full view of the audience! You need to time the
unfolding just right, but this is a very funny visual gag!

ONE LINERS
“I’ve just come back from Afghanistan…. I got on the wrong plane!”

“My dad recently had an accident and was hit on the head. Afterwards,
he suddenly started complaining about everything. The doctor said he
was in “a very critical condition!”

“I didn’t go to the hypochondriacs meeting last night, I was too ill…”

“Last night I watched my first-ever porn movie. I couldn’t believe how

young I looked….’

“At school, my teacher said I would never amount to anything… which

just goes to show that teachers aren’t always wrong!”

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“The problem with me is that I tend to lose sight of the big picture. Which
is a major reason why I lost my job as a security guard at the National
Gallery…”

“The other day my daughter told me that her teachers were useless
morons! I was a bit upset, as she’s home-schooled!”

“After 10 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought

tears to my eyes: “No habla Englis!”.

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 CREDITS
Thanks to Mike McClean, for always being inspirational, Steve Varro
(the original creator of a couple of updated gags here!), Sam Avery, and
anyone else who deserves credit!!

Designed by Phil Shaw (www.magicdp.co.uk)

ABOUT GRAHAM
Graham Hey has been a comedy writer since 1990, so that’s a long time!
He has worked for the BBC, ITV, Channel 4 and had his own comedy
section in the Daily Star national newspaper in the UK. He writes for lots
of comedians and magicians, and performs his own comedy magic and
mentalism act on cruise ships.

You can contact him: grahamhey2@aol.com

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