Maceylin Hardman

Comm 1080

05-02-21

Power and Conflict

Overview

Throughout history, we have seen people do anything for more power. It is basic human

nature to try to achieve as much power as possible. This is because the more power we have, the

more we are able to do whatever we want. People with more power have more influence than

someone with less power. Like for example, someone in the president’s position would have

more influence than someone in a governor position. Why is this? Because the president has

more power. They are more likely to be heard and to be listened to. For this paper I would like

to focus mainly on the types of power and the structure of power in a relationship, showing the

different categories of power. I will also categorize some of my own relationships and reflect on

the types of power I have in them.

Theory/ConceptList

The concept I have chosen is power and conflict. In any conflict, power has a major

effect on it. Wilmot and Hocker described it as being the “heart” of the conflict analysis. This

means that when a conflict is occurring, we tend to focus on who has more power and move

forward with that in mind. The most basic definition of power is “possession of control,

authority, or influence over others”(Merriam-Webster). Now there are many definitions on

what power is exactly because there is so many different types of power that one can possess.
But there is three general ways we perceive power. Those three ways are; distributive

(either/or), integrative (both/and), and designated (power to a certain relationship. Each different

way will determine how both parties of the conflict will move forward and communicate.

Analysis

When a relationship is going through a power conflict, it can be long lasting and will just

slowly go downhill and the relationship can deteriorate if it is not addressed. The day-to-day life

becomes a power struggle. More often than not, the parties in the relationship feel as though

they are the ones with less power. This motivates them to get the most power, an example of this

would be if the members of the relationship were in a fight, in this fight they would start to try to

one up each other. Keeping almost a score board in their minds. The new goal is to win the

most fights, the most arguments, in an attempt to gain more power over the other, while still

feeling almost powerless. This cycle will continue and continue, becoming more destructive as

time goes on. This is either/or power. I myself have experience this destructive cycle with my

relationship with my sister. In our relationship I feel less powerful than her. I have always told

myself she has a way more dominate personality and that is why she is always the one winning

the fights/conflicts and never letting me win, because she has more power. I keep this score

board in my head, determined to try to gain more power by her by maybe winning more, by

always trying to one up her.

With both/and power is when both parties of the relationship balance the power. It is a

more cooperative approach and type of power. This is where the relationship tries to find middle

ground. It is not like either/or where it is a win/lose situation. Both sides are able to support

each other and almost builds each other up! In Wilmot and Hocker’s Power- The Structure of

Conflict, they describe how this power style is the first choice of women. (Stewart, J) Men want
competition, like either/or and women want a win/win situation. The either/or power can be

damaging to relationships. Women see this and would like to try to avoid it. It can be a highly

effective way of power and can really help build a relationship. This is the type of structure I

feel I have with my significant other. We have a very balanced power and always try to make

sure neither of us leave a “situation/conflict” feeling as though we have lost. We are mindful and

try to find solutions that benefit us both.

Designated power can be similar to both/and. This is because designate power gives

power to a relationship as a whole. The power is not held by one person and the members of the

relationship do not try to compete for the power, knowing they have more power together as a

whole. This is the type of power I feel I have with my coworkers. In a salon, we work better

together as a whole. We are more successful and more powerful together. Each of my

coworkers has qualities I admire and that add to the strength of the business as a whole, and I too

have qualities and attributes that add to the power of our little group as a whole and are more

valuable to the company than me individually. A way that designated power differs from

both/and is that instead of it being a win/win situation and balancing the power for both parties,

what benefits the group benefits me, so if the group as a whole doesn’t win, I don’t win. The

whole salon hold the power in our relationship, which is very beneficially to me because it helps

me be more successful in the long run and gives me a very healthy relationship with everyone I

work with!

In relationships we need to be careful and mindful of our own power. Not doing this can

cause many problems and will lead the relationship into that destructive style. Suzanne

Lachmann, a licensed therapist who specializes in these kinds of relationship conflicts gave

extremely good advice. “The more you can work toward acknowledging and accepting your
power, the more it will calm and center you in the relationship.” (Lachmann) If your relationship

has an unhealth balance of power, the first step to solving the issue is to look at yourself. To not

victimize yourself and feel powerless like some in the either/or power situation would. But to

realize the power you yourself hold and move forward with that in mind. To not abuse that

power and to try to balance it.

Reflection

In this paper I described a few relationships I have and categorized them with which

structure of power each has. Since I have categorized them and know which ones are healthy

power structures and which ones are toxic and negative I can go ahead with moving forward to

better each relationship. I can see that having the either/or power structure with my sister is just

going to head us into a downward spiral. My keeping this score board in my head is going to

lead us down a destructive path but I want to make sure I do everything I can to help save this

relationship seeing as it is one of the most important ones to me. She is family and I would like

us to have a better relationship. Moving forward I am going to start taking time to reflect on the

power I hold myself. Then I want to start communicating about the type of power structure we

have and see her thoughts on it. I would love to see if she too feels like she has less power than

me and if that is why we both are always doing the “one upping” trying to beat eachother in

every fight and conflict. I hope that having this open communication can help guide us into

having a more balance of power! With the other two relationships I mentioned, I feel as though

the types of structure we have is very healthy and can lead to a successful relationship. I will

continue to use the ways of communicating I have learned from this class on power and conflict

to ensure the longevity of my relationships I have!

 Citations

Lachmann, Suzanne. May 1, 2021 “The Roots of Power Struggle in Relationships.” Psychology

Today, Sussex Publishers, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201306/the-roots-power-

struggle-in-relationships.

“Power” | Definition of Power by Merriam-Webster (merriam-webster.com) (May 1, 2021)

Stewart, J. May 1, 2021 “Power- The Structure of Conflict” by Wilmot and Hocker, University

of Dubuque.