- One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They each
bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies
landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer
away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if
nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer,
and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

- Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one
ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back
of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of
the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it
was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously
impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this
themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased
any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into
one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked
on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he
picked it up and quickly closed the door.

- An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are
driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of
both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both
agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman
goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man,
whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.''
The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the
whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait
till the Police get here!''

- There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a
train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style
train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing
noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer
and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand
against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she
missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed
the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll
make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

- An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman
and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion (Have you no
ambition)?"

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British Humour

Although some believe the words "British Humour" to be an oxymoron, most informed people understand
that the British are well known for their sophisticated senses of humour. Humour is such an important part
of British life that it has even pervaded their very language. Example: The British spell the word "humour"
h-u-m-o-u-r. Why the extra "u"? Because it's ironic and your and idiot 'K. Comedy is so important in
Britain that even the head of state (the Queen) and every member of the government is a joke. At one
point, British Humour was banned from the USA. However, the few people living there that understood
and exercised the use of British Humour realized that the authorities would not understand their use of
humour and take it all seriously, leading to the offender not being arrested. After the government realized
this, the ban on British Humour was lifted.

Examples of British Comedy

Monty Python - The pinnacle of British comedy

One of the most famous examples of British comedy is the famous Monty Python sketch "dead parrot." In
this sketch, a man tries to make another man believe that a parrot is dead. Here is a transcript of this sketch:

MAN: I believe that this parrot is dead.

SHOPKEEPER: Yep, looks pretty dead to me.
MAN: That settles that then.

Another hilarious Monty Python sketch is "The Ministry of Silly Walks." In this sketch, people walk
around in silly ways. This is funny because people do not normally walk in silly ways, especially British
people. The British are well known for having the most serious walks in the Western Hemisphere. The
country with the most serious walks in the Eastern Hemisphere is Bangladesh.

Things Other Than Monty Python

While Monty Python is fucking hilarious it is worth noting that other things are also, in fact when listening
to any Briton, one may note that most things they say are funny. This is because they have wit. Note: I cut
the original part of this out for not appreciating things that are actually funny that sitcom loving bastard.

• Mr. Bean
• Fawlty Towers
• Black Adder
• The Office (The original and actually funny one.)

Jokes Found in British Christmas Crakers

The rogue punchline, a classic staple of British comedy.

Apparently, British humour is at its lowest when inside Christmas Crackers. Not the kind that are crunchy
and good with Christmas Soup, the kind you pull apart and some sort of prize, joke, and crown pops out.
The following are actual jokes found inside Christmas Crackers, made in England. Please do not let them
melt your brain.

Where do fish wash? In the river basin!

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? A wooly jumper!

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What lies in a pram and wobbles? A jelly baby!

What did her legs say to the lady putting on her tights? That's another fine mesh you've gotten us into!

These jokes are a disgrace to all British comedians everywhere. Please do not purchase any Christmas
Crackers made in England, to avenge those poor fellows.

Comedy Techniques

The Funny Sentence - One popular British comedy technique: starting off a sentence normally and then
ending it with something completely unrelated. For example:

• "You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with... a herring!"
• "We will burden the colonists by levying a tax on... a herring!"
• "How ironic is it that we are aiding the United States in a war in which one of the goals is to bring
democracy to Iraq while our country's government is still a monarchy... a herring!"
• "Joey walks into the room... cue laughter. This is hilarious. Comedy at its best. Oh wait... I thought
I was writing under American comedy. My bad.... a herring, is funnier!"

The Funny Word - Another fine British comedy technique: gibberish. Comical "words" that Brits find
hilarious. For example:

• Bloody
• Wanker
• Dodgy
• Bollocks
• Buggery
• Yank

The more of these words that can be combined into a single sentence, the funnier the sentence. Unlike the
previous sentence, which isn't even remotely funny ... a herring! This is, as opposed to general American
humour, otherwise known as slapstick or "pulling funny faces and falling over". A wonderful example of
such humour is awe-inspiring comedian Jim Carrey, a man who is famous for having animals do "funny"
things near him and for having his face painted green.

The Retarded Conversation - Another popular British comedy technique is the retarded conversation.
This is when two people will have a conversation in which both of the participants are retarded.
Take this example from "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:"

Context: Mr. Prosser is about to wreck down Arthur Dent's house in order to build a bypass.
DENT: Why has it got to be built?
PROSSER: Huh?
DENT: Why has it got to be built?
PROSSER: Are you a complete fucking* retard? Bypasses help people get to where they're going faster,
thus increasing efficiency, thus helping to build our country's economy, thus rasing our country's standard
of living, which in the end, benefits everyone, yourself included. Besides, the government is going to fairly
compensate you for your house, which, to be fair, was much too big for one man anyway. Perhaps when
this business is over you can find yourself a nice flat somewhere and use the opportunity to socialize with
others in your block of flats and potentially find yourself a partner to share the rest of your life with, which
will undoubtedly leave you far happier and put you in a much better position than you ever would have
been if we hadn't knocked down your house.
DENT: Why has it got to be built?

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The History of Tea

History

While tea dates back almost 5000 years to ancient China, Great Britain was one of the last of the
sea-faring nations to be introduced to it. By 1650, Americans were already drinking tea, yet
because of the Cromwellian Civil Wars, the first tea sample did not reach England until
approximately 1652-1654.

Tea quickly replaced ale as the national drink of England. In 1699, Englishmen were drinking
only 40,000 pounds of tea a year. By 1708, the annual average was 240,000 pounds! The price
remained artificially high due to trade monopolies, so tea was often placed in locked chests called
tea caddies.

By the 1800s, tea rivaled beer in popularity, even amongst the poor. It was a hot item to warm the
often cold meals of the indigents, and boiling the water made it a safe drink.

Although tea is always associated with the English, and vice versa, the beverage has only been an
afternoon habit since about 1840. Before that, it was only ordered after dinner when the ladies
and gentlemen gathered in the drawing room. By the 1860s, five o'clock became the social ritual
for tea, and by 1877, there was even a special costume for it--the tea gown.

Tea soon became a custom in English households--from nursery to drawing room, from middle-
class family teas to upper-class "At Home" events. It served to satisfy the stomach between the
two o'clock luncheon and the eight o'clock dinner. A 'family' tea included such foods as sardines,
potted meats, muffins and crumpets, and was served in the drawing room. If sandwiches were
served, the bread was thin, with butter, jam or honey to spread on it. The tea was brewed by the
mistress, the butler and footmen having brought her the necessary tools--silver tea caddy, teapot,
kettle and heater, and teacups.

At Home Teas

"At Home" teas in the upper-class establishments were social events, often by invitation only.
They were a chance for ladies and gentlemen (the few males who attended) to exchange gossip,
plan future soirees and be introduced to new acquaintances. A hostess had to be very careful
about the latter, however. She could only introduce a lady to another if both parties wished for it.

Guests arrived from a quarter past four until half past five. At the height of the Social Season, the
most pressed ladies usually only stayed for a quarter of an hour, as they were on their way to
another 'five o'clock tea.' These teas were grand enough for a buffet table to be set up with
refreshments. Cakes, thin bread and butter, fancy biscuits, ices, fruits and sandwiches comprised
the food, while big silver urns dispensed tea, coffee, wine claret cup, sherry and champagne-cup.

In early Victorian days, sandwiches were made only of ham, tongue or beef. By the 1870s,
cucumber sandwiches were being served regularly. The hostess presided over a small side table
near the main buffet. There, she dispensed the ice creams and water ices that had been prepared
many hours earlier. But just as the hostess would never make an unwanted introduction, nor
would she even think of serving ice creams or water ices in tall ice glasses. Rather, ice plates and

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paper cups were used. And the guests reciprocated good manners by never asking for an
alternative beverage other than what the hostess had provided.

High Tea

It is also necessary to distinguish between 'afternoon' tea and 'high' tea. The difference is bound
up by times and forms of meals. Afternoon tea was eaten before an evening dinner--about four
o'clock--and was a polite little snack. Afternoon tea usually consisted of cakes, biscuits, bread and
butter and tea. The custom began in the 18th century as a way of satisfying people's appetites
between meals. Throughout the century, dinner got later and later.

High tea was eaten after a midday dinner--between five and six o'clock--and was likely to be a
main meal. High tea evolved from the 18th century dinner, and eventually replaced it amongst the
fashionable. (Dinner was then served as late as eight o'clock.) Another term
for "High tea" is "meat tea," as the meal was generally served with meats
and other dishes. A typical menu at High tea would consist of Roast pork,
stand pie, salmon and salad, trifle, jellies, lemon-cheese tarts, sponge cake,
walnut cake, chocolate roll, pound cake, white and brown bread, currant
teacake, curd tart and cheeses. While tea was the main beverage, coffee and cocoa were
sometimes served at high tea.

Nursery tea was at 4 o'clock. Cake, bread and butter and jam was the usual nursery tea. An iced
sponge cake might be served if it was one of the children's birthdays. The parents would join
them on this occasion also. Tea in the nursery would be the children's evening meal. They did not
dine with the adults.

Tea-Rooms

Tea-Rooms saw a revival in popularity in the 1880s, both in England and America. They were
places for refreshments where hot meals, cakes, bread and pastries were available. They
continued to be popular beyond the end of the 19th century, and also provided venues for 'tango
teas' during the 1920s. Tea-Rooms were also popular because they were the first socially
acceptable places ladies could refresh themselves without male escorts. Tea or high tea remained
popular as an evening mean through the Second World War and into the 1950s.

Brewing

Considering tea is such an important part of the British tradition, it requires very little effort to
make. Tea leaves, boiling water and five to ten minutes of steeping time is all a good cup of tea
requires. Yet, with as important as tea was, it is little wonder tea services came into existence as
the proper way to brew and serve tea. The Victorians called this a tete-a-tete service. It consisted
of only three pieces--a teapot, sugar bowl and cream pitcher. In the late 19th century, it was
usually ceramic, but services could also be silver.

To brew tea, hot water was poured into the teapot and allowed to sit a few minutes to warm the
pot. The water was then poured out, tea placed into the pot, and boiling water poured over the tea.
This was steeped five to eight minutes, the tea leaves drained, and the cup of fresh tea served.
Only one round of tea was made at a time, as tea loses flavor rapidly. Extra cups were made with
fresh tea.

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