TWELFTH NIGHT (Boiling Point Players Edit v 3)

ACT I

SCENE I. DUKE ORSINO's palace.

Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and other Lords; Musicians attending

DUKE ORSINO
1 If music be the food of love, play on;
2 Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
3 The appetite may sicken, and so die.
4 That strain again! it had a dying fall:
5 O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound,
6 That breathes upon a bank of violets,
7 Stealing and giving odour! Enough; no more:
8 'Tis not so sweet now as it was before.
9 O spirit of love! how quick and fresh art thou,
10 That, notwithstanding thy capacity
11 Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there,
12 Of what validity and pitch soe'er,
13 But falls into abatement and low price,
14 Even in a minute: so full of shapes is fancy
15 That it alone is high fantastical.

CURIO
16 Will you go hunt, my lord?

DUKE ORSINO
17 What, Curio?

CURIO
18 The hart.

DUKE ORSINO
19 Why, so I do, the noblest that I have:
20 O, when mine eyes did see Olivia first,
21 Methought she purged the air of pestilence!
22 That instant was I turn'd into a hart;
23 And my desires, like fell and cruel hounds,
24 E'er since pursue me.
Enter VALENTINE
25 How now! what news from her?

VALENTINE
26 So please my lord, I might not be admitted;
27 But from her handmaid do return this answer:
28 The element itself, till seven years' heat,
29 Shall not behold her face at ample view;
30 But, like a cloistress, she will veiled walk
31 And water once a day her chamber round
32 With eye-offending brine: all this to season
33 A brother's dead love, which she would keep fresh
34 And lasting in her sad remembrance.

DUKE ORSINO
35 O, she that hath a heart of that fine frame
36 To pay this debt of love but to a brother,
37 How will she love, when the rich golden shaft
38 Hath kill'd the flock of all affections else
39 That live in her; when liver, brain and heart,
40 These sovereign thrones, are all supplied, and fill'd
41 Her sweet perfections with one self king!
42 Away before me to sweet beds of flowers:
43 Love-thoughts lie rich when canopied with bowers.
Exeunt

SCENE II. The sea-coast.

Enter VIOLA, a Captain, and Sailors

VIOLA
44 What country, friends, is this?

Captain
45 This is Illyria, lady.

VIOLA
46 And what should I do in Illyria?
47 My brother he is in Elysium.
48 Perchance he is not drown'd: what think you, sailors?

Captain
49 It is perchance that you yourself were saved.

VIOLA
50 O my poor brother! and so perchance may he be.

Captain
51 True, madam: and, to comfort you with chance,
52 Assure yourself, after our ship did split,
53 When you and those poor number saved with you
54 Hung on our driving boat, I saw your brother,
55 Most provident in peril, bind himself,
56 Courage and hope both teaching him the practise,
57 To a strong mast that lived upon the sea;
58 Where, like Arion on the dolphin's back,
59 I saw him hold acquaintance with the waves
60 So long as I could see.

VIOLA
61 For saying so, there's gold:
62 Mine own escape unfoldeth to my hope,
63 Whereto thy speech serves for authority,
64 The like of him. Know'st thou this country?

Captain
65 Ay, madam, well; for I was bred and born
66 Not three hours' travel from this very place.

VIOLA
67 Who governs here?

Captain
68 A noble duke, in nature as in name.

VIOLA
69 What is the name?

Captain
70 Orsino.

VIOLA
71 Orsino! I have heard my father name him:
72 He was a bachelor then.

Captain
73 And so is now, or was so very late;
74 For but a month ago I went from hence,
75 And then 'twas fresh in murmur,--as, you know,
76 What great ones do the less will prattle of,--
77 That he did seek the love of fair Olivia.

VIOLA
78 What's she?

Captain
79 A virtuous maid, the daughter of a count
80 That died some twelvemonth since, then leaving her
81 In the protection of his son, her brother,
82 Who shortly also died: for whose dear love,
 83 They say, she hath abjured the company
84 And sight of men.

VIOLA
85 O that I served that lady
86 And might not be delivered to the world,
87 Till I had made mine own occasion mellow,
88 What my estate is!

Captain
89 That were hard to compass;
90 Because she will admit no kind of suit,
91 No, not the duke's.

VIOLA
92 There is a fair behavior in thee, captain;
93 And though that nature with a beauteous wall
94 Doth oft close in pollution, yet of thee
95 I will believe thou hast a mind that suits
96 With this thy fair and outward character.
97 I prithee, and I'll pay thee bounteously,
98 Conceal me what I am, and be my aid
99 For such disguise as haply shall become
100 The form of my intent. I'll serve this duke:
101 Thou shall present me as an eunuch to him:
102 It may be worth thy pains; for I can sing
103 And speak to him in many sorts of music
104 That will allow me very worth his service.
105 What else may hap to time I will commit;
106 Only shape thou thy silence to my wit.

Captain
107 Be you his eunuch, and your mute I'll be:
108 When my tongue blabs, then let mine eyes not see.

VIOLA
109 I thank thee: lead me on.
Exeunt

SCENE III. OLIVIA'S house.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

SIR TOBY BELCH

110 What a plague means my niece, to take the death of
111 her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.
 MARIA
112 By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o'
113 nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great
114 exceptions to your ill hours.

SIR TOBY BELCH

115 Why, let her except, before excepted.

MARIA
116 Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest
117 limits of order.

SIR TOBY BELCH

118 Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am:
119 these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be
120 these boots too: an they be not, let them hang
121 themselves in their own straps.

MARIA
122 That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard
123 my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish
124 knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.

SIR TOBY BELCH

125 Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?

MARIA
126 Ay, he.

SIR TOBY BELCH

127 He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.

MARIA
128 What's that to the purpose?

SIR TOBY BELCH

129 Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.

MARIA
130 Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats:
131 he's a very fool and a prodigal.

SIR TOBY BELCH

132 Fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the
133 viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages
134 word for word without book, and hath all the good
135 gifts of nature.

MARIA
136 He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that
137 he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that
138 he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he
139 hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent
140 he would quickly have the gift of a grave.

SIR TOBY BELCH

141 By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors
142 that say so of him. Who are they?

MARIA
143 They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.

SIR TOBY BELCH

144 With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to
145 her as long as there is a passage in my throat and
146 drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill
147 that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn
148 o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!
149 Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.

Enter SIR ANDREW

SIR ANDREW
150 Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!

SIR TOBY BELCH

151 Sweet Sir Andrew!

SIR ANDREW
152 Bless you, fair shrew.

MARIA
153 And you too, sir.

SIR TOBY BELCH

154 Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.

SIR ANDREW
155 What's that?
 SIR TOBY BELCH
156 My niece's chambermaid.

SIR ANDREW
157 Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.

MARIA
158 My name is Mary, sir.

SIR ANDREW
159 Good Mistress Mary Accost,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

160 You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board
161 her, woo her, assail her.

SIR ANDREW
162 By my troth, I would not undertake her in this
163 company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?

MARIA
164 Fare you well, gentlemen.

SIR TOBY BELCH

165 An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst
166 never draw sword again.

SIR ANDREW
167 An you part so, mistress, I would I might never
168 draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have
169 fools in hand?

MARIA
170 Sir, I have not you by the hand.

SIR ANDREW
171 Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.

MARIA
172 Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring
173 your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.

SIR ANDREW
174 Wherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor?
 MARIA
175 It's dry, sir.

SIR ANDREW
176 Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can
177 keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?

MARIA
178 A dry jest, sir.

SIR ANDREW
179 Are you full of them?

MARIA
180 Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry,
181 now I let go your hand, I am barren.
Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH

182 O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I
183 see thee so put down?

SIR ANDREW
184 Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary
185 put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit
186 than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a
187 great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.

SIR TOBY BELCH

188 No question.

SIR ANDREW
189 An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home
190 to-morrow, Sir Toby.

SIR TOBY BELCH

191 Pourquoi, my dear knight?

SIR ANDREW
192 What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had
193 bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in
194 fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but
195 followed the arts!

SIR TOBY BELCH

196 Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
 SIR ANDREW
197 Why, would that have mended my hair?

SIR TOBY BELCH

198 Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.

SIR ANDREW
199 But it becomes me well enough, does't not?

SIR TOBY BELCH

200 Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I
201 hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs
202 and spin it off.

SIR ANDREW
203 Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece
204 will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one
205 she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.

SIR TOBY BELCH

206 She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above
207 her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I
208 have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't,
209 man.

SIR ANDREW
210 I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the
211 strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques
212 and revels sometimes altogether.

SIR TOBY BELCH

213 Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?

SIR ANDREW
214 As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the
215 degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare
216 with an old man.

SIR TOBY BELCH

217 What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?

SIR ANDREW
218 Faith, I can cut a caper.

SIR TOBY BELCH

219 And I can cut the mutton to't.
 SIR ANDREW
220 And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong
221 as any man in Illyria.

SIR TOBY BELCH

222 Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have
223 these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to
224 take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost
225 thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in
226 a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not
227 so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What
228 dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in?
229 I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy
230 leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.

SIR ANDREW
231 Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a
232 flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?

SIR TOBY BELCH

233 What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?

SIR ANDREW
234 Taurus! That's sides and heart.

SIR TOBY BELCH

235 No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the
236 caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!
Exeunt

SCENE IV. DUKE ORSINO's palace.

Enter VALENTINE and VIOLA in man's attire

VALENTINE
237 If the duke continue these favours towards you,
238 Cesario, you are like to be much advanced: he hath
239 known you but three days, and already you are no stranger.

VIOLA
240 You either fear his humour or my negligence, that
241 you call in question the continuance of his love:
242 is he inconstant, sir, in his favours?

VALENTINE
243 No, believe me.
 VIOLA
244 I thank you. Here comes the count.

Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and Attendants

DUKE ORSINO
245 Who saw Cesario, ho?

VIOLA
246 On your attendance, my lord; here.

DUKE ORSINO
247 Stand you a while aloof, Cesario,
248 Thou know'st no less but all; I have unclasp'd
249 To thee the book even of my secret soul:
250 Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her;
251 Be not denied access, stand at her doors,
252 And tell them, there thy fixed foot shall grow
253 Till thou have audience.

VIOLA
254 Sure, my noble lord,
255 If she be so abandon'd to her sorrow
256 As it is spoke, she never will admit me.

DUKE ORSINO
257 Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds
258 Rather than make unprofited return.

VIOLA
259 Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?

DUKE ORSINO
260 O, then unfold the passion of my love,
261 Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith:
262 It shall become thee well to act my woes;
263 She will attend it better in thy youth
264 Than in a nuncio's of more grave aspect.

VIOLA
265 I think not so, my lord.

DUKE ORSINO
266 Dear lad, believe it;
267 For they shall yet belie thy happy years,
268 That say thou art a man: Diana's lip
269 Is not more smooth and rubious; thy small pipe
270 Is as the maiden's organ, shrill and sound,
271 And all is semblative a woman's part.
272 I know thy constellation is right apt
273 For this affair. Some four or five attend him;
274 All, if you will; for I myself am best
275 When least in company. Prosper well in this,
276 And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord,
277 To call his fortunes thine.

VIOLA
278 I'll do my best
279 To woo your lady:
Aside
280 yet, a barful strife!
281 Whoe'er I woo, myself would be his wife.
Exeunt

SCENE V. OLIVIA'S house.

Enter MARIA and Clown

MARIA
282 Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will
283 not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in
284 way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.

Clown
285 Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this
286 world needs to fear no colours.

MARIA
287 Make that good.

Clown
288 He shall see none to fear.

MARIA
289 A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that
290 saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.'

Clown
291 Where, good Mistress Mary?

MARIA
292 In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
 Clown
293 Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those
294 that are fools, let them use their talents.

MARIA
295 Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or,
296 to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?

Clown
297 Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and,
298 for turning away, let summer bear it out.

MARIA
299 You are resolute, then?

Clown
300 Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.

MARIA
301 That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both
302 break, your gaskins fall.

Clown
303 Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if
304 Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a
305 piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.

MARIA
306 Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my
307 lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.
Exit

Clown
308 Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!
309 Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft
310 prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may
311 pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?
312 'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.'
Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO
313 God bless thee, lady!

OLIVIA
314 Take the fool away.

Clown
315 Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
 OLIVIA
316 Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you:
317 besides, you grow dishonest.

Clown
318 Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel
319 will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is
320 the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend
321 himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if
322 he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing
323 that's mended is but patched: virtue that
324 transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that
325 amends is but patched with virtue. If that this
326 simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,
327 what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but
328 calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take
329 away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.

OLIVIA
330 Sir, I bade them take away you.

Clown
331 Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non
332 facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not
333 motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to
334 prove you a fool.

OLIVIA
335 Can you do it?

Clown
336 Dexterously, good madonna.

OLIVIA
337 Make your proof.

Clown
338 I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse
339 of virtue, answer me.

OLIVIA
340 Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.

Clown
341 Good madonna, why mournest thou?
 OLIVIA
342 Good fool, for my brother's death.

Clown
343 I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

OLIVIA
344 I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

Clown
345 The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's
346 soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.

OLIVIA
347 What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?

MALVOLIO
348 Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him:
349 infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the
350 better fool.

Clown
351 God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the
352 better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be
353 sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his
354 word for two pence that you are no fool.

OLIVIA
355 How say you to that, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO
356 I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a
357 barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day
358 with an ordinary fool that has no more brain
359 than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard
360 already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to
361 him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men,
362 that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better
363 than the fools' zanies.

OLIVIA
364 Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste
365 with a distempered appetite. To be generous,
366 guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those
367 things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets:
368 there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do
369 nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet
370 man, though he do nothing but reprove.

Clown
371 Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou
372 speakest well of fools!

Re-enter MARIA

MARIA
373 Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much
374 desires to speak with you.

OLIVIA
375 From the Count Orsino, is it?

MARIA
376 I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.

OLIVIA
377 Who of my people hold him in delay?

MARIA
378 Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.

OLIVIA
379 Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but
380 madman: fie on him!
Exit MARIA
381 Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I
382 am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.
Exit MALVOLIO
383 Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and
384 people dislike it.

Clown
385 Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest
386 son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with
387 brains! for,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a
388 most weak pia mater.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH

OLIVIA
389 By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?
 SIR TOBY BELCH
390 A gentleman.

OLIVIA
391 A gentleman! what gentleman?

SIR TOBY BELCH

392 'Tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these
393 pickle-herring! How now, sot!

Clown
394 Good Sir Toby!

OLIVIA
395 Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?

SIR TOBY BELCH

396 Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.

OLIVIA
397 Ay, marry, what is he?

SIR TOBY BELCH

398 Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give
399 me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.
Exit

OLIVIA
400 What's a drunken man like, fool?

Clown
401 Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one
402 draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads
403 him; and a third drowns him.

OLIVIA
404 Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my
405 coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's
406 drowned: go, look after him.

Clown
407 He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look
408 to the madman.
Exit

Re-enter MALVOLIO
 MALVOLIO
409 Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with
410 you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to
411 understand so much, and therefore comes to speak
412 with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to
413 have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore
414 comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him,
415 lady? he's fortified against any denial.

OLIVIA
416 Tell him he shall not speak with me.

MALVOLIO
417 Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your
418 door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to
419 a bench, but he'll speak with you.

OLIVIA
420 What kind o' man is he?

MALVOLIO
421 Why, of mankind.

OLIVIA
422 What manner of man?

MALVOLIO
423 Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.

OLIVIA
424 Of what personage and years is he?

MALVOLIO
425 Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for
426 a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a
427 cooling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him
428 in standing water, between boy and man. He is very
429 well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one
430 would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.

OLIVIA
431 Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.

MALVOLIO
432 Gentlewoman, my lady calls.
Exit
 Re-enter MARIA

OLIVIA
433 Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face.
434 We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.

Enter VIOLA, and Attendants

VIOLA
435 The honourable lady of the house, which is she?

OLIVIA
436 Speak to me; I shall answer for her.
437 Your will?

VIOLA
438 Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,--I
439 pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house,
440 for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away
441 my speech, for besides that it is excellently well
442 penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good
443 beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very
444 comptible, even to the least sinister usage.

OLIVIA
445 Whence came you, sir?

VIOLA
446 I can say little more than I have studied, and that
447 question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me
448 modest assurance if you be the lady of the house,
449 that I may proceed in my speech.

OLIVIA
450 Are you a comedian?

VIOLA
451 No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs
452 of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you
453 the lady of the house?

OLIVIA
454 If I do not usurp myself, I am.
 VIOLA
455 Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp
456 yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours
457 to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will
458 on with my speech in your praise, and then show you
459 the heart of my message.

OLIVIA
460 Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise.

VIOLA
461 Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.

OLIVIA
462 It is the more like to be feigned: I pray you,
463 keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates,
464 and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you
465 than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if
466 you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of
467 moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.

MARIA
468 Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.

VIOLA
469 No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little
470 longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet
471 lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger.

OLIVIA
472 Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when
473 the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.

VIOLA
474 It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of
475 war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my
476 hand; my words are as full of peace as matter.

OLIVIA
477 Yet you began rudely. What are you? what would you?

VIOLA
478 The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I
479 learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I
480 would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears,
481 divinity, to any other's, profanation.
 OLIVIA
482 Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.
Exeunt MARIA and Attendants
483 Now, sir, what is your text?

VIOLA
484 Most sweet lady,--

OLIVIA
485 A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it.
486 Where lies your text?

VIOLA
487 In Orsino's bosom.

OLIVIA
488 In his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom?

VIOLA
489 To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.

OLIVIA
490 O, I have read it: it is heresy. Have you no more to say?

VIOLA
491 Good madam, let me see your face.

OLIVIA
492 Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate
493 with my face? You are now out of your text: but
494 we will draw the curtain and show you the picture.
495 Look you, sir, such a one I was this present: is't
496 not well done?
Unveiling

VIOLA
497 Excellently done, if God did all.

OLIVIA
498 'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and weather.

VIOLA
499 'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
500 Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on:
501 Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive,
502 If you will lead these graces to the grave
503 And leave the world no copy.

OLIVIA
504 O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give
505 out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be
506 inventoried, and every particle and utensil
507 labelled to my will: as, item, two lips,
508 indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to
509 them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were
510 you sent hither to praise me?

VIOLA
511 I see you what you are, you are too proud;
512 But, if you were the devil, you are fair.
513 My lord and master loves you: O, such love
514 Could be but recompensed, though you were crown'd
515 The nonpareil of beauty!

OLIVIA
516 How does he love me?

VIOLA
517 With adorations, fertile tears,
518 With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.

OLIVIA
519 Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him:
520 Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,
521 Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;
522 In voices well divulged, free, learn'd and valiant;
523 And in dimension and the shape of nature
524 A gracious person: but yet I cannot love him;
525 He might have took his answer long ago.

VIOLA
526 If I did love you in my master's flame,
527 With such a suffering, such a deadly life,
528 In your denial I would find no sense;
529 I would not understand it.

OLIVIA
530 Why, what would you?
 VIOLA
531 Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
532 And call upon my soul within the house;
533 Write loyal cantons of contemned love
534 And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
535 Halloo your name to the reverberate hills
536 And make the babbling gossip of the air
537 Cry out 'Olivia!' O, You should not rest
538 Between the elements of air and earth,
539 But you should pity me!

OLIVIA
540 You might do much.
541 What is your parentage?

VIOLA
542 Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
543 I am a gentleman.

OLIVIA
544 Get you to your lord;
545 I cannot love him: let him send no more;
546 Unless, perchance, you come to me again,
547 To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well:
548 I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.

VIOLA
549 I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse:
550 My master, not myself, lacks recompense.
551 Love make his heart of flint that you shall love;
552 And let your fervor, like my master's, be
553 Placed in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty.
Exit

OLIVIA
554 'What is your parentage?'
555 'Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
556 I am a gentleman.' I'll be sworn thou art;
557 Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions and spirit,
558 Do give thee five-fold blazon: not too fast:
559 soft, soft!
560 Unless the master were the man. How now!
561 Even so quickly may one catch the plague?
562 Methinks I feel this youth's perfections
563 With an invisible and subtle stealth
564 To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.
565 What ho, Malvolio!

Re-enter MALVOLIO

MALVOLIO
566 Here, madam, at your service.

OLIVIA
567 Run after that same peevish messenger,
568 The county's man: he left this ring behind him,
569 Would I or not: tell him I'll none of it.
570 Desire him not to flatter with his lord,
571 Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him:
572 If that the youth will come this way to-morrow,
573 I'll give him reasons for't: hie thee, Malvolio.

MALVOLIO
574 Madam, I will.
Exit

OLIVIA
575 I do I know not what, and fear to find
576 Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.
577 Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe;
578 What is decreed must be, and be this so.
Exit

ACT II
SCENE I. The sea-coast.
Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN

ANTONIO
579 Will you stay no longer? nor will you not that I go with you?

SEBASTIAN
580 By your patience, no. My stars shine darkly over
581 me: the malignancy of my fate might perhaps
582 distemper yours; therefore I shall crave of you your
583 leave that I may bear my evils alone: it were a bad
584 recompense for your love, to lay any of them on you.

ANTONIO
585 Let me yet know of you whither you are bound.
 SEBASTIAN
586 No, sooth, sir: my determinate voyage is mere
587 extravagancy. But I perceive in you so excellent a
588 touch of modesty, that you will not extort from me
589 what I am willing to keep in; therefore it charges
590 me in manners the rather to express myself. You
591 must know of me then, Antonio, my name is Sebastian,
592 which I called Roderigo. My father was that
593 Sebastian of Messaline, whom I know you have heard
594 of. He left behind him myself and a sister, both
595 born in an hour: if the heavens had been pleased,
596 would we had so ended! but you, sir, altered that;
597 for some hour before you took me from the breach of
598 the sea was my sister drowned.

ANTONIO
599 Alas the day!

SEBASTIAN
600 A lady, sir, though it was said she much resembled
601 me, was yet of many accounted beautiful: but,
602 though I could not with such estimable wonder
603 overfar believe that, yet thus far I will boldly
604 publish her; she bore a mind that envy could not but
605 call fair. She is drowned already, sir, with salt
606 water, though I seem to drown her remembrance again with more.

ANTONIO
607 Pardon me, sir, your bad entertainment.

SEBASTIAN
608 O good Antonio, forgive me your trouble.

ANTONIO
609 If you will not murder me for my love, let me be
610 your servant.

SEBASTIAN
611 If you will not undo what you have done, that is,
612 kill him whom you have recovered, desire it not.
613 Fare ye well at once: my bosom is full of kindness,
614 and I am yet so near the manners of my mother, that
615 upon the least occasion more mine eyes will tell
616 tales of me. I am bound to the Count Orsino's court: farewell.
Exit
 ANTONIO
617 The gentleness of all the gods go with thee!
618 I have many enemies in Orsino's court,
619 Else would I very shortly see thee there.
620 But, come what may, I do adore thee so,
621 That danger shall seem sport, and I will go.
Exit

SCENE II. A street.

Enter VIOLA, MALVOLIO following

MALVOLIO
622 Were not you even now with the Countess Olivia?

VIOLA
623 Even now, sir; on a moderate pace I have since
624 arrived but hither.

MALVOLIO
625 She returns this ring to you, sir: you might have
626 saved me my pains, to have taken it away yourself.
627 She adds, moreover, that you should put your lord
628 into a desperate assurance she will none of him:
629 and one thing more, that you be never so hardy to
630 come again in his affairs, unless it be to report
631 your lord's taking of this. Receive it so.

VIOLA
632 She took the ring of me: I'll none of it.

MALVOLIO
633 Come, sir, you peevishly threw it to her; and her
634 will is, it should be so returned: if it be worth
635 stooping for, there it lies in your eye; if not, be
636 it his that finds it.
Exit

VIOLA
637 I left no ring with her: what means this lady?
638 Fortune forbid my outside have not charm'd her!
639 She made good view of me; indeed, so much,
640 That sure methought her eyes had lost her tongue,
641 For she did speak in starts distractedly.
642 She loves me, sure; the cunning of her passion
643 Invites me in this churlish messenger.
644 None of my lord's ring! why, he sent her none.
645 I am the man: if it be so, as 'tis,
646 Poor lady, she were better love a dream.
647 Disguise, I see, thou art a wickedness,
648 Wherein the pregnant enemy does much.
649 How easy is it for the proper-false
650 In women's waxen hearts to set their forms!
651 Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we!
652 For such as we are made of, such we be.
653 How will this fadge? my master loves her dearly;
654 And I, poor monster, fond as much on him;
655 And she, mistaken, seems to dote on me.
656 What will become of this? As I am man,
657 My state is desperate for my master's love;
658 As I am woman,--now alas the day!--
659 What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe!
660 O time! thou must untangle this, not I;
661 It is too hard a knot for me to untie!
Exit

SCENE III. OLIVIA's house.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW

SIR TOBY BELCH

662 Approach, Sir Andrew: not to be abed after
663 midnight is to be up betimes; and 'diluculo
664 surgere,' thou know'st,--

SIR ANDREW
665 Nay, my troth, I know not: but I know, to be up
666 late is to be up late.

SIR TOBY BELCH

667 A false conclusion: I hate it as an unfilled can.
668 To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is
669 early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go
670 to bed betimes. Does not our life consist of the
671 four elements?

SIR ANDREW
672 Faith, so they say; but I think it rather consists
673 of eating and drinking.

SIR TOBY BELCH

674 Thou'rt a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.
675 Marian, I say! a stoup of wine!
 Enter Clown

SIR ANDREW
676 Here comes the fool, i' faith.

Clown
677 How now, my hearts! did you never see the picture
678 of 'we three'?

SIR TOBY BELCH

679 Welcome, ass. Now let's have a catch.

SIR ANDREW
680 By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I
681 had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg,
682 and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In
683 sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last
684 night, when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the
685 Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus: 'twas
686 very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy
687 leman: hadst it?

Clown
688 I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio's nose
689 is no whipstock: my lady has a white hand, and the
690 Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.

SIR ANDREW
691 Excellent! why, this is the best fooling, when all
692 is done. Now, a song.

SIR TOBY BELCH

693 Come on; there is sixpence for you: let's have a song.

SIR ANDREW
694 There's a testril of me too: if one knight give a--

Clown
695 Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?

SIR TOBY BELCH

696 A love-song, a love-song.

SIR ANDREW
697 Ay, ay: I care not for good life.
 Clown
[Sings]
698 O mistress mine, where are you roaming?
699 O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,
700 That can sing both high and low:
701 Trip no further, pretty sweeting;
702 Journeys end in lovers meeting,
703 Every wise man's son doth know.

SIR ANDREW
704 Excellent good, i' faith.

SIR TOBY BELCH

705 Good, good.

Clown
[Sings]
706 What is love? 'tis not hereafter;
707 Present mirth hath present laughter;
708 What's to come is still unsure:
709 In delay there lies no plenty;
710 Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty,
711 Youth's a stuff will not endure.

SIR ANDREW
712 A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.

SIR TOBY BELCH

713 A contagious breath.

SIR ANDREW
714 Very sweet and contagious, i' faith.

SIR TOBY BELCH

715 To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion.
716 But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? shall we
717 rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three
718 souls out of one weaver? shall we do that?

SIR ANDREW
719 An you love me, let's do't: I am dog at a catch.

Clown
720 By'r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.
 SIR ANDREW
721 Most certain. Let our catch be, 'Thou knave.'

Clown
722 'Hold thy peace, thou knave,' knight? I shall be
723 constrained in't to call thee knave, knight.

SIR ANDREW
724 'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to
725 call me knave. Begin, fool: it begins 'Hold thy peace.'

Clown
726 I shall never begin if I hold my peace.

SIR ANDREW
727 Good, i' faith. Come, begin.

Catch sung
Enter MARIA

MARIA
728 What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady
729 have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him
730 turn you out of doors, never trust me.

SIR TOBY BELCH

731 My lady's a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio's
732 a Peg-a-Ramsey, and 'Three merry men be we.' Am not
733 I consanguineous? am I not of her blood?
734 Tillyvally. Lady!
Sings
735 'There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'

Clown
736 Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.

SIR ANDREW
737 Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do
738 I too: he does it with a better grace, but I do it
739 more natural.

SIR TOBY BELCH

740 [Sings] 'O, the twelfth day of December,'--

MARIA
741 For the love o' God, peace!
 Enter MALVOLIO

MALVOLIO
742 My masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have ye
743 no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like
744 tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an
745 alehouse of my lady's house, that ye squeak out your
746 coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse
747 of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor
748 time in you?

SIR TOBY BELCH

749 We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!

MALVOLIO
750 Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me
751 tell you, that, though she harbours you as her
752 kinsman, she's nothing allied to your disorders. If
753 you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you
754 are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please
755 you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid
756 you farewell.

SIR TOBY BELCH

757 'Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.'

MARIA
758 Nay, good Sir Toby.

Clown
759 'His eyes do show his days are almost done.'

MALVOLIO
760 Is't even so?

SIR TOBY BELCH

761 'But I will never die.'

Clown
762 Sir Toby, there you lie.

MALVOLIO
763 This is much credit to you.

SIR TOBY BELCH

764 'Shall I bid him go?'
 Clown
765 'What an if you do?'

SIR TOBY BELCH

766 'Shall I bid him go, and spare not?'

Clown
767 'O no, no, no, no, you dare not.'

SIR TOBY BELCH

768 Out o' tune, sir: ye lie. Art any more than a
769 steward? Dost thou think, because thou art
770 virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?

Clown
771 Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' the
772 mouth too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

773 Thou'rt i' the right. Go, sir, rub your chain with
774 crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!

MALVOLIO
775 Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at any
776 thing more than contempt, you would not give means
777 for this uncivil rule: she shall know of it, by this hand.
Exit

MARIA
778 Go shake your ears.

SIR ANDREW
779 'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's
780 a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to
781 break promise with him and make a fool of him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

782 Do't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll
783 deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.

MARIA
784 Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since the
785 youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is
786 much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me
787 alone with him: if I do not gull him into a
788 nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not
789 think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed:
790 I know I can do it.

SIR TOBY BELCH

791 Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.

MARIA
792 Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.

SIR ANDREW
793 O, if I thought that I'ld beat him like a dog!

SIR TOBY BELCH

794 What, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason,
795 dear knight?

SIR ANDREW
796 I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason
797 good enough.

MARIA
798 The devil a puritan that he is, or any thing
799 constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass,
800 that cons state without book and utters it by great
801 swarths: the best persuaded of himself, so
802 crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is
803 his grounds of faith that all that look on him love
804 him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find
805 notable cause to work.

SIR TOBY BELCH

806 What wilt thou do?

MARIA
807 I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of
808 love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape
809 of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure
810 of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find
811 himself most feelingly personated. I can write very
812 like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we
813 can hardly make distinction of our hands.

SIR TOBY BELCH

814 Excellent! I smell a device.
 SIR ANDREW
815 I have't in my nose too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

816 He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop,
817 that they come from my niece, and that she's in
818 love with him.

MARIA
819 My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.

SIR ANDREW
820 And your horse now would make him an ass.

MARIA
821 Ass, I doubt not.

SIR ANDREW
822 O, 'twill be admirable!

MARIA
823 Sport royal, I warrant you: I know my physic will
824 work with him. I will plant you two, and let the
825 fool make a third, where he shall find the letter:
826 observe his construction of it. For this night, to
827 bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.
Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH

828 Good night, Penthesilea.

SIR ANDREW
829 Before me, she's a good wench.

SIR TOBY BELCH

830 She's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me:
831 what o' that?

SIR ANDREW
832 I was adored once too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

833 Let's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for
834 more money.
 SIR ANDREW
835 If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.

SIR TOBY BELCH

836 Send for money, knight: if thou hast her not i'
837 the end, call me cut.

SIR ANDREW
838 If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.

SIR TOBY BELCH

839 Come, come, I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late
840 to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight.
Exeunt

SCENE IV. DUKE ORSINO's palace.

Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and others

DUKE ORSINO
841 Give me some music. Now, good morrow, friends.
482 Now, good Cesario, but that piece of song,
843 That old and antique song we heard last night:
844 Methought it did relieve my passion much,
845 More than light airs and recollected terms
846 Of these most brisk and giddy-paced times:
847 Come, but one verse.

CURIO
848 He is not here, so please your lordship that should sing it.

DUKE ORSINO
849 Who was it?

CURIO
850 Feste, the jester, my lord; a fool that the lady
851 Olivia's father took much delight in. He is about the house.

DUKE ORSINO
852 Seek him out, and play the tune the while.
Exit CURIO. Music plays
853 Come hither, boy: if ever thou shalt love,
854 In the sweet pangs of it remember me;
855 For such as I am all true lovers are,
856 Unstaid and skittish in all motions else,
857 Save in the constant image of the creature
858 That is beloved. How dost thou like this tune?
 VIOLA
859 It gives a very echo to the seat
860 Where Love is throned.

DUKE ORSINO
861 Thou dost speak masterly:
862 My life upon't, young though thou art, thine eye
863 Hath stay'd upon some favour that it loves:
864 Hath it not, boy?

VIOLA
865 A little, by your favour.

DUKE ORSINO
866 What kind of woman is't?

VIOLA
867 Of your complexion.

DUKE ORSINO
868 She is not worth thee, then. What years, i' faith?

VIOLA
869 About your years, my lord.

DUKE ORSINO
870 Too old by heaven: let still the woman take
871 An elder than herself: so wears she to him,
872 So sways she level in her husband's heart:
873 For, boy, however we do praise ourselves,
874 Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm,
875 More longing, wavering, sooner lost and worn,
876 Than women's are.

VIOLA
877 I think it well, my lord.

DUKE ORSINO
878 Then let thy love be younger than thyself,
879 Or thy affection cannot hold the bent;
880 For women are as roses, whose fair flower
881 Being once display'd, doth fall that very hour.

VIOLA
882 And so they are: alas, that they are so;
883 To die, even when they to perfection grow!
 Re-enter CURIO and Clown

DUKE ORSINO
884 O, fellow, come, the song we had last night.
885 Mark it, Cesario, it is old and plain;
886 The spinsters and the knitters in the sun
887 And the free maids that weave their thread with bones
888 Do use to chant it: it is silly sooth,
889 And dallies with the innocence of love,
890 Like the old age.

Clown
891 Are you ready, sir?

DUKE ORSINO
892 Ay; prithee, sing.
Music

SONG.
Clown
893 Come away, come away, death,
894 And in sad cypress let me be laid;
895 Fly away, fly away breath;
896 I am slain by a fair cruel maid.
897 My shroud of white, stuck all with yew,
898 O, prepare it!
899 My part of death, no one so true
900 Did share it.
901 Not a flower, not a flower sweet
902 On my black coffin let there be strown;
903 Not a friend, not a friend greet
904 My poor corpse, where my bones shall be thrown:
905 A thousand thousand sighs to save,
906 Lay me, O, where
907 Sad true lover never find my grave,
908 To weep there!

DUKE ORSINO
909 There's for thy pains.

Clown
910 No pains, sir: I take pleasure in singing, sir.

DUKE ORSINO
911 I'll pay thy pleasure then.
 Clown
912 Truly, sir, and pleasure will be paid, one time or another.

DUKE ORSINO
913 Give me now leave to leave thee.

Clown
914 Now, the melancholy god protect thee; and the
915 tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffeta, for
916 thy mind is a very opal. I would have men of such
917 constancy put to sea, that their business might be
918 every thing and their intent every where; for that's
919 it that always makes a good voyage of nothing. Farewell.
Exit

DUKE ORSINO
920 Let all the rest give place.
CURIO and Attendants retire
921 Once more, Cesario,
922 Get thee to yond same sovereign cruelty:
923 Tell her, my love, more noble than the world,
924 Prizes not quantity of dirty lands;
925 The parts that fortune hath bestow'd upon her,
926 Tell her, I hold as giddily as fortune;
927 But 'tis that miracle and queen of gems
928 That nature pranks her in attracts my soul.

VIOLA
929 But if she cannot love you, sir?

DUKE ORSINO
930 I cannot be so answer'd.

VIOLA
931 Sooth, but you must.
932 Say that some lady, as perhaps there is,
933 Hath for your love a great a pang of heart
934 As you have for Olivia: you cannot love her;
935 You tell her so; must she not then be answer'd?

DUKE ORSINO
936 There is no woman's sides
937 Can bide the beating of so strong a passion
938 As love doth give my heart; no woman's heart
939 So big, to hold so much; they lack retention
940 Alas, their love may be call'd appetite,
941 No motion of the liver, but the palate,
942 That suffer surfeit, cloyment and revolt;
943 But mine is all as hungry as the sea,
944 And can digest as much: make no compare
945 Between that love a woman can bear me
946 And that I owe Olivia.

VIOLA
947 Ay, but I know--

DUKE ORSINO
948 What dost thou know?

VIOLA
949 Too well what love women to men may owe:
950 In faith, they are as true of heart as we.
951 My father had a daughter loved a man,
952 As it might be, perhaps, were I a woman,
953 I should your lordship.

DUKE ORSINO
954 And what's her history?

VIOLA
955 A blank, my lord. She never told her love,
956 But let concealment, like a worm i' the bud,
957 Feed on her damask cheek: she pined in thought,
958 And with a green and yellow melancholy
959 She sat like patience on a monument,
960 Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?
961 We men may say more, swear more: but indeed
962 Our shows are more than will; for still we prove
963 Much in our vows, but little in our love.

DUKE ORSINO
964 But died thy sister of her love, my boy?

VIOLA
965 I am all the daughters of my father's house,
966 And all the brothers too: and yet I know not.
967 Sir, shall I to this lady?

DUKE ORSINO
968 Ay, that's the theme.
969 To her in haste; give her this jewel; say,
970 My love can give no place, bide no denay.
 Exeunt

SCENE V. OLIVIA's garden.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN

SIR TOBY BELCH

971 Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.

FABIAN
972 Nay, I'll come: if I lose a scruple of this sport,
973 let me be boiled to death with melancholy.

SIR TOBY BELCH

974 Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly
975 rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?

FABIAN
976 I would exult, man: you know, he brought me out o'
977 favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here.

SIR TOBY BELCH

978 To anger him we'll have the bear again; and we will
979 fool him black and blue: shall we not, Sir Andrew?

SIR ANDREW
980 An we do not, it is pity of our lives.

SIR TOBY BELCH

981 Here comes the little villain.
Enter MARIA
982 How now, my metal of India!

MARIA
983 Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's
984 coming down this walk: he has been yonder i' the
985 sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half
986 hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for I
987 know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of
988 him. Close, in the name of jesting! Lie thou there,
Throws down a letter
989 for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.
Exit

Enter MALVOLIO
 MALVOLIO
990 'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told
991 me she did affect me: and I have heard herself come
992 thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one
993 of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more
994 exalted respect than any one else that follows her.
995 What should I think on't?

SIR TOBY BELCH

996 Here's an overweening rogue!

FABIAN
997 O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock
998 of him: how he jets under his advanced plumes!

SIR ANDREW
999 'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!

SIR TOBY BELCH

1000 Peace, I say.

MALVOLIO
1001 To be Count Malvolio!

SIR TOBY BELCH

1002 Ah, rogue!

SIR ANDREW
1003 Pistol him, pistol him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1004 Peace, peace!

MALVOLIO
1005 There is example for't; the lady of the Strachy
1006 married the yeoman of the wardrobe.

SIR ANDREW
1007 Fie on him, Jezebel!

FABIAN
1008 O, peace! now he's deeply in: look how
1009 imagination blows him.
 MALVOLIO
1010 Having been three months married to her, sitting in
1011 my state,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

1012 O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!

MALVOLIO
1013 Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet
1014 gown; having come from a day-bed, where I have left
1015 Olivia sleeping,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

1016 Fire and brimstone!

FABIAN
1017 O, peace, peace!

MALVOLIO
1018 And then to have the humour of state; and after a
1019 demure travel of regard, telling them I know my
1020 place as I would they should do theirs, to for my
1021 kinsman Toby,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

1022 Bolts and shackles!

FABIAN
1023 O peace, peace, peace! now, now.

MALVOLIO
1024 Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make
1025 out for him: I frown the while; and perchance wind
1026 up watch, or play with my--some rich jewel. Toby
1027 approaches; courtesies there to me,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

1028 Shall this fellow live?

FABIAN
1029 Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.

MALVOLIO
1030 I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar
1031 smile with an austere regard of control,--
 SIR TOBY BELCH
1032 And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then?

MALVOLIO
1033 Saying, 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on
1034 your niece give me this prerogative of speech,'--

SIR TOBY BELCH

1035 What, what?

MALVOLIO
1036 'You must amend your drunkenness.'

SIR TOBY BELCH

1037 Out, scab!

FABIAN
1038 Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.

MALVOLIO
1039 'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with
1040 a foolish knight,'--

SIR ANDREW
1041 That's me, I warrant you.

MALVOLIO
1042 'One Sir Andrew,'--

SIR ANDREW
1043 I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.

MALVOLIO
1044 What employment have we here?
Taking up the letter

FABIAN
1045 Now is the woodcock near the gin.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1046 O, peace! and the spirit of humour intimate reading
1047 aloud to him!
 MALVOLIO
1048 By my life, this is my lady's hand these be her
1049 very C's, her U's and her T's and thus makes she her
1050 great P's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.

SIR ANDREW
1051 Her C's, her U's and her T's: why that?

MALVOLIO
1052 [Reads] 'To the unknown beloved, this, and my good
1053 wishes:'--her very phrases! By your leave, wax.
1054 Soft! and the impressure her Lucrece, with which she
1055 uses to seal: 'tis my lady. To whom should this be?

FABIAN
1056 This wins him, liver and all.

MALVOLIO
[Reads]
1057 Jove knows I love: But who?
1058 Lips, do not move;
1059 No man must know.
1060 'No man must know.' What follows? the numbers
1061 altered! 'No man must know:' if this should be
1062 thee, Malvolio?

SIR TOBY BELCH

1063 Marry, hang thee, brock!

MALVOLIO
[Reads]
1064 I may command where I adore;
1065 But silence, like a Lucrece knife,
1066 With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore:
1067 M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.

FABIAN
1068 A fustian riddle!

SIR TOBY BELCH

1069 Excellent wench, say I.

MALVOLIO
1070 'M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.' Nay, but first, let
1071 me see, let me see, let me see.
 FABIAN
1072 What dish o' poison has she dressed him!

SIR TOBY BELCH

1073 And with what wing the staniel cheques at it!

MALVOLIO
1074 'I may command where I adore.' Why, she may command
1075 me: I serve her; she is my lady. Why, this is
1076 evident to any formal capacity; there is no
1077 obstruction in this: and the end,--what should
1078 that alphabetical position portend? If I could make
1079 that resemble something in me,--Softly! M, O, A,
1080 I,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

1081 O, ay, make up that: he is now at a cold scent.

FABIAN
1082 Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be as
1083 rank as a fox.

MALVOLIO
1084 M,--Malvolio; M,--why, that begins my name.

FABIAN
1085 Did not I say he would work it out? the cur is
1086 excellent at faults.

MALVOLIO
1087 M,--but then there is no consonancy in the sequel;
1088 that suffers under probation A should follow but O does.

FABIAN
1089 And O shall end, I hope.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1090 Ay, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry O!

MALVOLIO
1091 And then I comes behind.

FABIAN
1092 Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see
1093 more detraction at your heels than fortunes before
1094 you.
 MALVOLIO
1095 M, O, A, I; this simulation is not as the former: and
1096 yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for
1097 every one of these letters are in my name. Soft!
1098 here follows prose.
Reads
1099 'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I
1100 am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness: some
1101 are born great, some achieve greatness, and some
1102 have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open
1103 their hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them;
1104 and, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be,
1105 cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be
1106 opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let
1107 thy tongue tang arguments of state; put thyself into
1108 the trick of singularity: she thus advises thee
1109 that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy
1110 yellow stockings, and wished to see thee ever
1111 cross-gartered: I say, remember. Go to, thou art
1112 made, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see
1113 thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and
1114 not worthy to touch Fortune's fingers. Farewell.
1115 She that would alter services with thee,
1116 THE FORTUNATE-UNHAPPY.'
1117 Daylight and champaign discovers not more: this is
1118 open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors,
1119 I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross
1120 acquaintance, I will be point-devise the very man.
1121 I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade
1122 me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady
1123 loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of
1124 late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered;
1125 and in this she manifests herself to my love, and
1126 with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits
1127 of her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will
1128 be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and
1129 cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting
1130 on. Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet a
1131 postscript.
Reads
1132 'Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou
1133 entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling;
1134 thy smiles become thee well; therefore in my
1135 presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.'
1136 Jove, I thank thee: I will smile; I will do
1137 everything that thou wilt have me.
 Exit

FABIAN
1138 I will not give my part of this sport for a pension
1139 of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1140 I could marry this wench for this device.

SIR ANDREW
1141 So could I too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1142 And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.

SIR ANDREW
1143 Nor I neither.

FABIAN
1144 Here comes my noble gull-catcher.

Re-enter MARIA

SIR TOBY BELCH

1145 Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?

SIR ANDREW
1146 Or o' mine either?

SIR TOBY BELCH

1147 Shall I play my freedom at traytrip, and become thy
1148 bond-slave?

SIR ANDREW
1149 I' faith, or I either?

SIR TOBY BELCH

1150 Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that when
1151 the image of it leaves him he must run mad.

MARIA
1152 Nay, but say true; does it work upon him?

SIR TOBY BELCH

1153 Like aqua-vitae with a midwife.
 MARIA
1154 If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark
1155 his first approach before my lady: he will come to
1156 her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she
1157 abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests;
1158 and he will smile upon her, which will now be so
1159 unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a
1160 melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him
1161 into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow
1162 me.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1163 To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!

SIR ANDREW
1164 I'll make one too.
Exeunt

ACT III

SCENE I. OLIVIA's garden.

Enter VIOLA, and Clown with a tabour

VIOLA
1165 Save thee, friend, and thy music: dost thou live by
1166 thy tabour?

Clown
1167 No, sir, I live by the church.

VIOLA
1168 Art thou a churchman?

Clown
1169 No such matter, sir: I do live by the church; for
1170 I do live at my house, and my house doth stand by
1171 the church.

VIOLA
1172 So thou mayst say, the king lies by a beggar, if a
1173 beggar dwell near him; or, the church stands by thy
1174 tabour, if thy tabour stand by the church.
 Clown
1175 You have said, sir. To see this age! A sentence is
1176 but a cheveril glove to a good wit: how quickly the
1177 wrong side may be turned outward!

VIOLA
1178 Nay, that's certain; they that dally nicely with
1179 words may quickly make them wanton.

Clown
1180 I would, therefore, my sister had had no name, sir.

VIOLA
1181 Why, man?

Clown
1182 Why, sir, her name's a word; and to dally with that
1183 word might make my sister wanton. But indeed words
1184 are very rascals since bonds disgraced them.

VIOLA
1185 Thy reason, man?

Clown
1186 Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words; and
1187 words are grown so false, I am loath to prove
1188 reason with them.

VIOLA
1189 I warrant thou art a merry fellow and carest for nothing.

Clown
1190 Not so, sir, I do care for something; but in my
1191 conscience, sir, I do not care for you: if that be
1192 to care for nothing, sir, I would it would make you invisible.

VIOLA
1193 Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool?

Clown
1194 No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly: she
1195 will keep no fool, sir, till she be married; and
1196 fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to
1197 herrings; the husband's the bigger: I am indeed not
1198 her fool, but her corrupter of words.
 VIOLA
1199 I saw thee late at the Count Orsino's.

Clown
1200 Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun,
1201 it shines every where. I would be sorry, sir, but
1202 the fool should be as oft with your master as with
1203 my mistress: I think I saw your wisdom there.

VIOLA
1204 Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee.
1205 Hold, there's expenses for thee.

Clown
1206 Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!

VIOLA
1207 By my troth, I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for
1208 one;
Aside
1209 though I would not have it grow on my chin. Is thy
1210 lady within?

Clown
1211 Would not a pair of these have bred, sir?

VIOLA
1212 Yes, being kept together and put to use.

Clown
1213 I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring
1214 a Cressida to this Troilus.

VIOLA
1215 I understand you, sir; 'tis well begged.

Clown
1216 The matter, I hope, is not great, sir, begging but
1217 a beggar: Cressida was a beggar. My lady is
1218 within, sir. I will construe to them whence you
1219 come; who you are and what you would are out of my
1220 welkin, I might say 'element,' but the word is over-worn.
Exit
 VIOLA
1221 This fellow is wise enough to play the fool;
1222 And to do that well craves a kind of wit:
1223 He must observe their mood on whom he jests,
1224 The quality of persons, and the time,
1225 And, like the haggard, cheque at every feather
1226 That comes before his eye. This is a practise
1227 As full of labour as a wise man's art
1228 For folly that he wisely shows is fit;
1229 But wise men, folly-fall'n, quite taint their wit.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW

SIR TOBY BELCH

1230 Save you, gentleman.

VIOLA
1231 And you, sir.

SIR ANDREW
1232 Dieu vous garde, monsieur.

VIOLA
1233 Et vous aussi; votre serviteur.

SIR ANDREW
1234 I hope, sir, you are; and I am yours.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1235 Will you encounter the house? my niece is desirous
1236 you should enter, if your trade be to her.

VIOLA
1237 I am bound to your niece, sir; I mean, she is the
1238 list of my voyage.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1239 Taste your legs, sir; put them to motion.

VIOLA
1240 My legs do better understand me, sir, than I
1241 understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1242 I mean, to go, sir, to enter.
 VIOLA
1243 I will answer you with gait and entrance. But we
1244 are prevented.
Enter OLIVIA and MARIA
1245 Most excellent accomplished lady, the heavens rain
1246 odours on you!

SIR ANDREW
1247 That youth's a rare courtier: 'Rain odours;' well.

VIOLA
1248 My matter hath no voice, to your own most pregnant
1249 and vouchsafed ear.

SIR ANDREW
1250 'Odours,' 'pregnant' and 'vouchsafed:' I'll get 'em
1251 all three all ready.

OLIVIA
1252 Let the garden door be shut, and leave me to my hearing.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and MARIA
1253 Give me your hand, sir.

VIOLA
1254 My duty, madam, and most humble service.

OLIVIA
1255 What is your name?

VIOLA
1256 Cesario is your servant's name, fair princess.

OLIVIA
1257 My servant, sir! 'Twas never merry world
1258 Since lowly feigning was call'd compliment:
1259 You're servant to the Count Orsino, youth.

VIOLA
1260 And he is yours, and his must needs be yours:
1261 Your servant's servant is your servant, madam.

OLIVIA
1262 For him, I think not on him: for his thoughts,
1263 Would they were blanks, rather than fill'd with me!
 VIOLA
1264 Madam, I come to whet your gentle thoughts
1265 On his behalf.

OLIVIA
1266 O, by your leave, I pray you,
1267 I bade you never speak again of him:
1268 But, would you undertake another suit,
1269 I had rather hear you to solicit that
1270 Than music from the spheres.

VIOLA
1271 Dear lady,--

OLIVIA
1272 Give me leave, beseech you. I did send,
1273 After the last enchantment you did here,
1274 A ring in chase of you: so did I abuse
1275 Myself, my servant and, I fear me, you:
1276 Under your hard construction must I sit,
1277 To force that on you, in a shameful cunning,
1278 Which you knew none of yours: what might you think?
1279 Have you not set mine honour at the stake
1280 And baited it with all the unmuzzled thoughts
1281 That tyrannous heart can think? To one of your receiving
1282 Enough is shown: a cypress, not a bosom,
1283 Hideth my heart. So, let me hear you speak.

VIOLA
1284 I pity you.

OLIVIA
1285 That's a degree to love.

VIOLA
1286 No, not a grize; for 'tis a vulgar proof,
1287 That very oft we pity enemies.

OLIVIA
1288 Why, then, methinks 'tis time to smile again.
1289 O, world, how apt the poor are to be proud!
1290 If one should be a prey, how much the better
1291 To fall before the lion than the wolf!
Clock strikes
1292 The clock upbraids me with the waste of time.
1293 Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you:
1294 And yet, when wit and youth is come to harvest,
1295 Your were is alike to reap a proper man:
1296 There lies your way, due west.

VIOLA
1297 Then westward-ho! Grace and good disposition
1298 Attend your ladyship!
1299 You'll nothing, madam, to my lord by me?

OLIVIA
1300 Stay:
1301 I prithee, tell me what thou thinkest of me.

VIOLA
1302 That you do think you are not what you are.

OLIVIA
1303 If I think so, I think the same of you.

VIOLA
1304 Then think you right: I am not what I am.

OLIVIA
1305 I would you were as I would have you be!

VIOLA
1306 Would it be better, madam, than I am?
1307 I wish it might, for now I am your fool.

OLIVIA
1308 O, what a deal of scorn looks beautiful
1309 In the contempt and anger of his lip!
1310 A murderous guilt shows not itself more soon
1311 Than love that would seem hid: love's night is noon.
1312 Cesario, by the roses of the spring,
1313 By maidhood, honour, truth and every thing,
1314 I love thee so, that, maugre all thy pride,
1315 Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide.
1316 Do not extort thy reasons from this clause,
1317 For that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause,
1318 But rather reason thus with reason fetter,
1319 Love sought is good, but given unsought better.

VIOLA
1320 By innocence I swear, and by my youth
1321 I have one heart, one bosom and one truth,
1322 And that no woman has; nor never none
1323 Shall mistress be of it, save I alone.
1324 And so adieu, good madam: never more
1325 Will I my master's tears to you deplore.

OLIVIA
1326 Yet come again; for thou perhaps mayst move
1327 That heart, which now abhors, to like his love.
Exeunt

SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN

SIR ANDREW
1328 No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1329 Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.

FABIAN
1330 You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.

SIR ANDREW
1331 Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the
1332 count's serving-man than ever she bestowed upon me;
1333 I saw't i' the orchard.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1334 Did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.

SIR ANDREW
1335 As plain as I see you now.

FABIAN
1336 This was a great argument of love in her toward you.

SIR ANDREW
1337 'Slight, will you make an ass o' me?

FABIAN
1338 I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of
1339 judgment and reason.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1340 And they have been grand-jury-men since before Noah
1341 was a sailor.
 FABIAN
1342 She did show favour to the youth in your sight only
1343 to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to
1344 put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver.
1345 You should then have accosted her; and with some
1346 excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should
1347 have banged the youth into dumbness. This was
1348 looked for at your hand, and this was balked: the
1349 double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash
1350 off, and you are now sailed into the north of my
1351 lady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicle
1352 on a Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by
1353 some laudable attempt either of valour or policy.

SIR ANDREW
1354 An't be any way, it must be with valour; for policy
1355 I hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as a
1356 politician.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1357 Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of
1358 valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight
1359 with him; hurt him in eleven places: my niece shall
1360 take note of it; and assure thyself, there is no
1361 love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's
1362 commendation with woman than report of valour.

FABIAN
1363 There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.

SIR ANDREW
1364 Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?

SIR TOBY BELCH

1365 Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief;
1366 it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and fun
1367 of invention: taunt him with the licence of ink:
1368 if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not be
1369 amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of
1370 paper, although the sheet were big enough for the
1371 bed of Ware in England, set 'em down: go, about it.
1372 Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou
1373 write with a goose-pen, no matter: about it.

SIR ANDREW
1374 Where shall I find you?
 SIR TOBY BELCH
1375 We'll call thee at the cubiculo: go.

Exit SIR ANDREW

FABIAN
1376 This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1377 I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand
1378 strong, or so.

FABIAN
1379 We shall have a rare letter from him: but you'll
1380 not deliver't?

SIR TOBY BELCH

1381 Never trust me, then; and by all means stir on the
1382 youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes
1383 cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were
1384 opened, and you find so much blood in his liver as
1385 will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of
1386 the anatomy.

FABIAN
1387 And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no
1388 great presage of cruelty.

Enter MARIA

SIR TOBY BELCH

1389 Look, where the youngest wren of nine comes.

MARIA to
1390 If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourself
1391 into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is
1392 turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no
1393 Christian, that means to be saved by believing
1394 rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages
1395 of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1396 And cross-gartered?
 MARIA
1397 Most villanously; like a pedant that keeps a school
1398 i' the church. I have dogged him, like his
1399 murderer. He does obey every point of the letter
1400 that I dropped to betray him: he does smile his
1401 face into more lines than is in the new map with the
1402 augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such
1403 a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things
1404 at him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do,
1405 he'll smile and take't for a great favour.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1406 Come, bring us, bring us where he is.
Exeunt

SCENE III. A street.

Enter SEBASTIAN and ANTONIO

SEBASTIAN
1407 I would not by my will have troubled you;
1408 But, since you make your pleasure of your pains,
1409 I will no further chide you.

ANTONIO
1410 I could not stay behind you: my desire,
1411 More sharp than filed steel, did spur me forth;
1412 And not all love to see you, though so much
1413 As might have drawn one to a longer voyage,
1414 But jealousy what might befall your travel,
1415 Being skilless in these parts; which to a stranger,
1416 Unguided and unfriended, often prove
1417 Rough and unhospitable: my willing love,
1418 The rather by these arguments of fear,
1419 Set forth in your pursuit.

SEBASTIAN
1420 My kind Antonio,
1421 I can no other answer make but thanks,
1422 And thanks; and ever [ ] oft good turns
1423 Are shuffled off with such uncurrent pay:
1424 But, were my worth as is my conscience firm,
1425 You should find better dealing. What's to do?
1426 Shall we go see the reliques of this town?

ANTONIO
1427 To-morrow, sir: best first go see your lodging.
 SEBASTIAN
1428 I am not weary, and 'tis long to night:
1429 I pray you, let us satisfy our eyes
1430 With the memorials and the things of fame
1431 That do renown this city.

ANTONIO
1432 Would you'ld pardon me;
1433 I do not without danger walk these streets:
1434 Once, in a sea-fight, 'gainst the count his galleys
1435 I did some service; of such note indeed,
1436 That were I ta'en here it would scarce be answer'd.

SEBASTIAN
1437 Belike you slew great number of his people.

ANTONIO
1438 The offence is not of such a bloody nature;
1439 Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel
1440 Might well have given us bloody argument.
1441 It might have since been answer'd in repaying
1442 What we took from them; which, for traffic's sake,
1443 Most of our city did: only myself stood out;
1444 For which, if I be lapsed in this place,
1445 I shall pay dear.

SEBASTIAN
1446 Do not then walk too open.

ANTONIO
1447 It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here's my purse.
1448 In the south suburbs, at the Elephant,
1449 Is best to lodge: I will bespeak our diet,
1450 Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge
1451 With viewing of the town: there shall you have me.

SEBASTIAN
1452 Why I your purse?

ANTONIO
1453 Haply your eye shall light upon some toy
1454 You have desire to purchase; and your store,
1455 I think, is not for idle markets, sir.
 SEBASTIAN
1456 I'll be your purse-bearer and leave you
1457 For an hour.

ANTONIO
1458 To the Elephant.

SEBASTIAN
1459 I do remember.
Exeunt

SCENE IV. OLIVIA's garden.

Enter OLIVIA and MARIA

OLIVIA
1460 I have sent after him: he says he'll come;
1461 How shall I feast him? what bestow of him?
1462 For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd.
1463 I speak too loud.
1464 Where is Malvolio? he is sad and civil,
1465 And suits well for a servant with my fortunes:
1466 Where is Malvolio?

MARIA
1467 He's coming, madam; but in very strange manner. He
1468 is, sure, possessed, madam.

OLIVIA
1469 Why, what's the matter? does he rave?

MARIA
1470 No. madam, he does nothing but smile: your
1471 ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if
1472 he come; for, sure, the man is tainted in's wits.

OLIVIA
1473 Go call him hither.
Exit MARIA
1474 I am as mad as he,
1475 If sad and merry madness equal be.
Re-enter MARIA, with MALVOLIO
1476 How now, Malvolio!

MALVOLIO
1477 Sweet lady, ho, ho.
 OLIVIA
1478 Smilest thou?
1479 I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.

MALVOLIO
1480 Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some
1481 obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but
1482 what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is
1483 with me as the very true sonnet is, 'Please one, and
1484 please all.'

OLIVIA
1485 Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?

MALVOLIO
1486 Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It
1487 did come to his hands, and commands shall be
1488 executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.

OLIVIA
1489 Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO
1490 To bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I'll come to thee.

OLIVIA
1491 God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and kiss
1492 thy hand so oft?

MARIA
1493 How do you, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO
1494 At your request! yes; nightingales answer daws.

MARIA
1495 Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?

MALVOLIO
1496 'Be not afraid of greatness:' 'twas well writ.

OLIVIA
1497 What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO
1498 'Some are born great,'--
 OLIVIA
1499 Ha!

MALVOLIO
1500 'Some achieve greatness,'--

OLIVIA
1501 What sayest thou?

MALVOLIO
1502 'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'

OLIVIA
1503 Heaven restore thee!

MALVOLIO
1504 'Remember who commended thy yellow stocking s,'--

OLIVIA
1505 Thy yellow stockings!

MALVOLIO
1506 'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'

OLIVIA
1507 Cross-gartered!

MALVOLIO
1508 'Go to thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;'--

OLIVIA
1509 Am I made?

MALVOLIO
1510 'If not, let me see thee a servant still.'

OLIVIA
1511 Why, this is very midsummer madness.

Enter Servant

Clown
1512 Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is
1513 returned: I could hardly entreat him back: he
1514 attends your ladyship's pleasure.
 OLIVIA
1515 I'll come to him.
Exit Servant
1516 Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's
1517 my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special
1518 care of him: I would not have him miscarry for the
1519 half of my dowry.
Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA

MALVOLIO
1520 O, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than
1521 Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with
1522 the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may
1523 appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that
1524 in the letter. 'Cast thy humble slough,' says she;
1525 'be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants;
1526 let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put
1527 thyself into the trick of singularity;' and
1528 consequently sets down the manner how; as, a sad
1529 face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the
1530 habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have
1531 limed her; but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make me
1532 thankful! And when she went away now, 'Let this
1533 fellow be looked to:' fellow! not Malvolio, nor
1534 after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing
1535 adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no
1536 scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous
1537 or unsafe circumstance--What can be said? Nothing
1538 that can be can come between me and the full
1539 prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the
1540 doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN

SIR TOBY BELCH

1541 Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all
1542 the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion
1543 himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.

FABIAN
1544 Here he is, here he is. How is't with you, sir?
1545 how is't with you, man?

MALVOLIO
1546 Go off; I discard you: let me enjoy my private: go
1547 off.
 MARIA
1548 Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not
1549 I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a
1550 care of him.

MALVOLIO
1551 Ah, ha! does she so?

SIR TOBY BELCH

1552 Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal gently
1553 with him: let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how
1554 is't with you? What, man! defy the devil:
1555 consider, he's an enemy to mankind.

MALVOLIO
1556 Do you know what you say?

MARIA
1557 La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes
1558 it at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched!

FABIAN
1559 Carry his water to the wise woman.

MARIA
1560 Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I
1561 live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say.

MALVOLIO
1562 How now, mistress!

MARIA
1563 O Lord!

SIR TOBY BELCH

1564 Prithee, hold thy peace; this is not the way: do
1565 you not see you move him? let me alone with him.

FABIAN
1566 No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is
1567 rough, and will not be roughly used.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1568 Why, how now, my bawcock! how dost thou, chuck?
 MALVOLIO
1569 Sir!

SIR TOBY BELCH

1570 Ay, Biddy, come with me. What, man! 'tis not for
1571 gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan: hang
1572 him, foul collier!

MARIA
1573 Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.

MALVOLIO
1574 My prayers, minx!

MARIA
1575 No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.

MALVOLIO
1576 Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow
1577 things: I am not of your element: you shall know
1578 more hereafter.
Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH

1579 Is't possible?

FABIAN
1580 If this were played upon a stage now, I could
1581 condemn it as an improbable fiction.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1582 His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.

MARIA
1583 Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.

FABIAN
1584 Why, we shall make him mad indeed.

MARIA
1585 The house will be the quieter.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1586 Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My
1587 niece is already in the belief that he's mad: we
1588 may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance,
1589 till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt
1590 us to have mercy on him: at which time we will
1591 bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a
1592 finder of madmen. But see, but see.

Enter SIR ANDREW

FABIAN
1593 More matter for a May morning.

SIR ANDREW
1594 Here's the challenge, read it: warrant there's
1595 vinegar and pepper in't.

FABIAN
1596 Is't so saucy?

SIR ANDREW
1597 Ay, is't, I warrant him: do but read.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1598 Give me.
Reads
1599 'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.'

FABIAN
1600 Good, and valiant.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1601 [Reads] 'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind,
1602 why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.'

FABIAN
1603 A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1604 [Reads] 'Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my
1605 sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy
1606 throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.'

FABIAN
1607 Very brief, and to exceeding good sense--less.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1608 [Reads] 'I will waylay thee going home; where if it
1609 be thy chance to kill me,'--
 FABIAN
1610 Good.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1611 [Reads] 'Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.'

FABIAN
1612 Still you keep o' the windy side of the law: good.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1613 [Reads] 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon
1614 one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but
1615 my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy
1616 friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,
1617 Andrew Aguecheek
1618 If this letter move him not, his legs cannot:
1619 I'll give't him.

MARIA
1620 You may have very fit occasion for't: he is now in
1621 some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1622 Go, Sir Andrew: scout me for him at the corner the
1623 orchard like a bum-baily: so soon as ever thou seest
1624 him, draw; and, as thou drawest swear horrible; for
1625 it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a
1626 swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood
1627 more approbation than ever proof itself would have
1628 earned him. Away!

SIR ANDREW
1629 Nay, let me alone for swearing.
Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH

1630 Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behavior
1631 of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good
1632 capacity and breeding; his employment between his
1633 lord and my niece confirms no less: therefore this
1634 letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no
1635 terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a
1636 clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by
1637 word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable report
1638 of valour; and drive the gentleman, as I know his
1639 youth will aptly receive it, into a most hideous
1640 opinion of his rage, skill, fury and impetuosity.
1641 This will so fright them both that they will kill
1642 one another by the look, like cockatrices.

Re-enter OLIVIA, with VIOLA

FABIAN
1643 Here he comes with your niece: give them way till
1644 he take leave, and presently after him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1645 I will meditate the while upon some horrid message
1646 for a challenge.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, FABIAN, and MARIA

OLIVIA
1647 I have said too much unto a heart of stone
1648 And laid mine honour too unchary out:
1649 There's something in me that reproves my fault;
1650 But such a headstrong potent fault it is,
1651 That it but mocks reproof.

VIOLA
1652 With the same 'havior that your passion bears
1653 Goes on my master's grief.

OLIVIA
1654 Here, wear this jewel for me, 'tis my picture;
1655 Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you;
1656 And I beseech you come again to-morrow.
1657 What shall you ask of me that I'll deny,
1658 That honour saved may upon asking give?

VIOLA
1659 Nothing but this; your true love for my master.

OLIVIA
1660 How with mine honour may I give him that
1661 Which I have given to you?

VIOLA
1662 I will acquit you.

OLIVIA
1663 Well, come again to-morrow: fare thee well:
1664 A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.
 Exit
Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN

SIR TOBY BELCH

1665 Gentleman, God save thee.

VIOLA
1666 And you, sir.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1667 That defence thou hast, betake thee to't: of what
1668 nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know
1669 not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as
1670 the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end:
1671 dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for
1672 thy assailant is quick, skilful and deadly.

VIOLA
1673 You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel
1674 to me: my remembrance is very free and clear from
1675 any image of offence done to any man.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1676 You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore,
1677 if you hold your life at any price, betake you to
1678 your guard; for your opposite hath in him what
1679 youth, strength, skill and wrath can furnish man withal.

VIOLA
1680 I pray you, sir, what is he?

SIR TOBY BELCH

1681 He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier and on
1682 carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private
1683 brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and
1684 his incensement at this moment is so implacable,
1685 that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death
1686 and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word; give't or take't.

VIOLA
1687 I will return again into the house and desire some
1688 conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard
1689 of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on
1690 others, to taste their valour: belike this is a man
1691 of that quirk.
 SIR TOBY BELCH
1692 Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a
1693 very competent injury: therefore, get you on and
1694 give him his desire. Back you shall not to the
1695 house, unless you undertake that with me which with
1696 as much safety you might answer him: therefore, on,
1697 or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you
1698 must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.

VIOLA
1699 This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me
1700 this courteous office, as to know of the knight what
1701 my offence to him is: it is something of my
1702 negligence, nothing of my purpose.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1703 I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this
1704 gentleman till my return.
Exit

VIOLA
1705 Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?

FABIAN
1706 I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a
1707 mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.

VIOLA
1708 I beseech you, what manner of man is he?

FABIAN
1709 Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by
1710 his form, as you are like to find him in the proof
1711 of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful,
1712 bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly
1713 have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk
1714 towards him? I will make your peace with him if I
1715 can.

VIOLA
1716 I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one that
1717 had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I
1718 care not who knows so much of my mettle.
Exeunt
 Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH, with SIR ANDREW

SIR TOBY BELCH

1719 Why, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen such a
1720 firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard and
1721 all, and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal
1722 motion, that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he
1723 pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they
1724 step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy.

SIR ANDREW
1725 Pox on't, I'll not meddle with him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1726 Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can
1727 scarce hold him yonder.

SIR ANDREW
1728 Plague on't, an I thought he had been valiant and so
1729 cunning in fence, I'ld have seen him damned ere I'ld
1730 have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip,
1731 and I'll give him my horse, grey Capilet.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1732 I'll make the motion: stand here, make a good show
1733 on't: this shall end without the perdition of souls.
Aside
1734 Marry, I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you.
Re-enter FABIAN and VIOLA
To FABIAN
1735 I have his horse to take up the quarrel:
1736 I have persuaded him the youth's a devil.

FABIAN
1737 He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and
1738 looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1739 [To VIOLA] There's no remedy, sir; he will fight
1740 with you for's oath sake: marry, he hath better
1741 bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now
1742 scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw, for
1743 the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.
 VIOLA
1744 [Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would
1745 make me tell them how much I lack of a man.

FABIAN
1746 Give ground, if you see him furious.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1747 Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman
1748 will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you;
1749 he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has
1750 promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he
1751 will not hurt you. Come on; to't.

SIR ANDREW
1752 Pray God, he keep his oath!

VIOLA
1753 I do assure you, 'tis against my will.

They draw
Enter ANTONIO

ANTONIO
1754 Put up your sword. If this young gentleman
1755 Have done offence, I take the fault on me:
1756 If you offend him, I for him defy you.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1757 You, sir! why, what are you?

ANTONIO
1758 One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more
1759 Than you have heard him brag to you he will.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1760 Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.

They draw
Enter Officers

FABIAN
1761 O good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1762 I'll be with you anon.
 VIOLA
1763 Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.

SIR ANDREW
1764 Marry, will I, sir; and, for that I promised you,
1765 I'll be as good as my word: he will bear you easily
1766 and reins well.

First Officer
1767 This is the man; do thy office.

Second Officer
1768 Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.

ANTONIO
1769 You do mistake me, sir.

First Officer
1770 No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,
1771 Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.
1772 Take him away: he knows I know him well.

ANTONIO
1773 I must obey.
To VIOLA
1774 This comes with seeking you:
1775 But there's no remedy; I shall answer it.
1776 What will you do, now my necessity
1777 Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me
1778 Much more for what I cannot do for you
1779 Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;
1780 But be of comfort.

Second Officer
1781 Come, sir, away.

ANTONIO
1782 I must entreat of you some of that money.

VIOLA
1783 What money, sir?
1784 For the fair kindness you have show'd me here,
1785 And, part, being prompted by your present trouble,
1786 Out of my lean and low ability
1787 I'll lend you something: my having is not much;
1788 I'll make division of my present with you:
1789 Hold, there's half my coffer.

ANTONIO
1790 Will you deny me now?
1791 Is't possible that my deserts to you
1792 Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,
1793 Lest that it make me so unsound a man
1794 As to upbraid you with those kindnesses
1795 That I have done for you.

VIOLA
1796 I know of none;
1797 Nor know I you by voice or any feature:
1798 I hate ingratitude more in a man
1799 Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,
1800 Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption
1801 Inhabits our frail blood.

ANTONIO
1802 O heavens themselves!

Second Officer
1803 Come, sir, I pray you, go.

ANTONIO
1804 Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here
1805 I snatch'd one half out of the jaws of death,
1806 Relieved him with such sanctity of love,
1807 And to his image, which methought did promise
1808 Most venerable worth, did I devotion.

First Officer
1809 What's that to us? The time goes by: away!

ANTONIO
1810 But O how vile an idol proves this god
1811 Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.
1812 In nature there's no blemish but the mind;
1813 None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind:
1814 Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil
1815 Are empty trunks o'erflourish'd by the devil.

First Officer
1816 The man grows mad: away with him! Come, come, sir.
 ANTONIO
1817 Lead me on.
Exit with Officers

VIOLA
1818 Methinks his words do from such passion fly,
1819 That he believes himself: so do not I.
1820 Prove true, imagination, O, prove true,
1821 That I, dear brother, be now ta'en for you!

SIR TOBY BELCH

1822 Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian: we'll
1823 whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage saws.

VIOLA
1824 He named Sebastian: I my brother know
1825 Yet living in my glass; even such and so
1826 In favour was my brother, and he went
1827 Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,
1828 For him I imitate: O, if it prove,
1829 Tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love.
Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH

1830 A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than
1831 a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his
1832 friend here in necessity and denying him; and for
1833 his cowardship, ask Fabian.

FABIAN
1834 A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.

SIR ANDREW
1835 'Slid, I'll after him again and beat him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1836 Do; cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.

SIR ANDREW
1837 An I do not,--

FABIAN
1838 Come, let's see the event.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1839 I dare lay any money 'twill be nothing yet.
 Exeunt

ACT IV
SCENE I. Before OLIVIA's house.
Enter SEBASTIAN and Clown

Clown
1840 Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?

SEBASTIAN
1841 Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow:
1842 Let me be clear of thee.

Clown
1843 Well held out, i' faith! No, I do not know you; nor
1844 I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come
1845 speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario;
1846 nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so is so.

SEBASTIAN
1847 I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else: Thou
1848 know'st not me.

Clown
1849 Vent my folly! he has heard that word of some
1850 great man and now applies it to a fool. Vent my
1851 folly! I am afraid this great lubber, the world,
1852 will prove a cockney. I prithee now, ungird thy
1853 strangeness and tell me what I shall vent to my
1854 lady: shall I vent to her that thou art coming?

SEBASTIAN
1855 I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me: There's
1856 money for thee: if you tarry longer, I shall give
1857 worse payment.

Clown
1858 By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men
1859 that give fools money get themselves a good
1860 report--after fourteen years' purchase.

Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY BELCH, and FABIAN

SIR ANDREW
1861 Now, sir, have I met you again? there's for you.
1862 SEBASTIAN
1863 Why, there's for thee, and there, and there. Are all
1864 the people mad?

SIR TOBY BELCH

1865 Hold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.

Clown
1866 This will I tell my lady straight: I would not be
1867 in some of your coats for two pence.
Exit

SIR TOBY BELCH

1868 Come on, sir; hold.

SIR ANDREW
1869 Nay, let him alone: I'll go another way to work
1870 with him; I'll have an action of battery against
1871 him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I
1872 struck him first, yet it's no matter for that.

SEBASTIAN
1873 Let go thy hand.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1874 Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young
1875 soldier, put up your iron: you are well fleshed; come on.

SEBASTIAN
1876 I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now? If
1877 thou darest tempt me further, draw thy sword.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1878 What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two
1879 of this malapert blood from you.

Enter OLIVIA

OLIVIA
1880 Hold, Toby; on thy life I charge thee, hold!

1881 SIR TOBY BELCH

1882 Madam!
 OLIVIA
1883 Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,
1884 Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,
1885 Where manners ne'er were preach'd! out of my sight!
1886 Be not offended, dear Cesario.
1887 Rudesby, be gone!
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN
1888 I prithee, gentle friend,
1889 Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway
1890 In this uncivil and thou unjust extent
1891 Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,
1892 And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks
1893 This ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou thereby
1894 Mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go:
1895 Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,
1896 He started one poor heart of mine in thee.

SEBASTIAN
1897 What relish is in this? how runs the stream?
1898 Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:
1899 Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;
1900 If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!

OLIVIA
1901 Nay, come, I prithee; would thou'ldst be ruled by me!

SEBASTIAN
1902 Madam, I will.

OLIVIA
1903 O, say so, and so be!
Exeunt

SCENE II. OLIVIA's house.

Enter MARIA and Clown

MARIA
1904 Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;
1905 make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do
1906 it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.
Exit

Clown
1907 Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself
1908 in't; and I would I were the first that ever
1909 dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to
1910 become the function well, nor lean enough to be
1911 thought a good student; but to be said an honest man
1912 and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a
1913 careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

SIR TOBY BELCH

1914 Jove bless thee, master Parson.

Clown
1915 Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of
1916 Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily
1917 said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'
1918 so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for,
1919 what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?

SIR TOBY BELCH

1920 To him, Sir Topas.

Clown
1921 What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!

SIR TOBY BELCH

1922 The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

MALVOLIO
1923 [Within] Who calls there?

Clown
1924 Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio
1925 the lunatic.

MALVOLIO
1926 Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Clown
1927 Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!
1928 talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

SIR TOBY BELCH

1929 Well said, Master Parson.
 MALVOLIO
1930 Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir
1931 Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me
1932 here in hideous darkness.

Clown
1933 Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most
1934 modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones
1935 that will use the devil himself with courtesy:
1936 sayest thou that house is dark?

MALVOLIO
1937 As hell, Sir Topas.

Clown
1938 Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,
1939 and the clearstores toward the south north are as
1940 lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of
1941 obstruction?

MALVOLIO
1942 I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.

Clown
1943 Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness
1944 but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than
1945 the Egyptians in their fog.

MALVOLIO
1946 I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though
1947 ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there
1948 was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you
1949 are: make the trial of it in any constant question.

Clown
1950 What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?

MALVOLIO
1951 That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

Clown
1952 What thinkest thou of his opinion?

MALVOLIO
1953 I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
 Clown
1954 Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:
1955 thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will
1956 allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest
1957 thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

MALVOLIO
1958 Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

SIR TOBY BELCH

1959 My most exquisite Sir Topas!

Clown
1960 Nay, I am for all waters.

MARIA
1961 Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and
1962 gown: he sees thee not.

SIR TOBY BELCH

1963 To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how
1964 thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this
1965 knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I
1966 would he were, for I am now so far in offence with
1967 my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this
1968 sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA

Clown
[Singing]
1969 'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
1970 Tell me how thy lady does.'

MALVOLIO
1971 Fool!

Clown
1972 'My lady is unkind, perdy.'

MALVOLIO
1973 Fool!

Clown
1974 'Alas, why is she so?'
 MALVOLIO
1975 Fool, I say!

Clown
1976 'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?

MALVOLIO
1977 Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my
1978 hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:
1979 as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to
1980 thee for't.

Clown
1981 Master Malvolio?

MALVOLIO
1982 Ay, good fool.

Clown
1983 Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

MALVOLIO
1984 Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I
1985 am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

Clown
1986 But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no
1987 better in your wits than a fool.

MALVOLIO
1988 They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,
1989 send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to
1990 face me out of my wits.

Clown
1991 Advise you what you say; the minister is here.
1992 Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!
1993 endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain
1994 bibble babble.

MALVOLIO
1995 Sir Topas!
 Clown
1996 Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I,
1997 sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.
1998 Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.

MALVOLIO
1999 Fool, fool, fool, I say!

Clown
2000 Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am
2001 shent for speaking to you.

MALVOLIO
2002 Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I
2003 tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

Clown
2004 Well-a-day that you were, sir

MALVOLIO
2005 By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and
2006 light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:
2007 it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing
2008 of letter did.

Clown
2009 I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you
2010 not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

MALVOLIO
2011 Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

Clown
2012 Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his
2013 brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

MALVOLIO
2014 Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I
2015 prithee, be gone.

Clown
[Singing]
2016 I am gone, sir,
2017 And anon, sir,
2018 I'll be with you again,
2019 In a trice,
2020 Like to the old Vice,
2021 Your need to sustain;
2022 Who, with dagger of lath,
2023 In his rage and his wrath,
2024 Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:
2025 Like a mad lad,
2026 Pare thy nails, dad;
2027 Adieu, good man devil.
Exit

SCENE III. OLIVIA's garden.

Enter SEBASTIAN

SEBASTIAN
2028 This is the air; that is the glorious sun;
2029 This pearl she gave me, I do feel't and see't;
2030 And though 'tis wonder that enwraps me thus,
2031 Yet 'tis not madness. Where's Antonio, then?
2032 I could not find him at the Elephant:
2033 Yet there he was; and there I found this credit,
2034 That he did range the town to seek me out.
2035 His counsel now might do me golden service;
2036 For though my soul disputes well with my sense,
2037 That this may be some error, but no madness,
2038 Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune
2039 So far exceed all instance, all discourse,
2040 That I am ready to distrust mine eyes
2041 And wrangle with my reason that persuades me
2042 To any other trust but that I am mad
2043 Or else the lady's mad; yet, if 'twere so,
2044 She could not sway her house, command her followers,
2045 Take and give back affairs and their dispatch
2046 With such a smooth, discreet and stable bearing
2047 As I perceive she does: there's something in't
2048 That is deceiveable. But here the lady comes.
Enter OLIVIA and Priest

OLIVIA
2049 Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,
2050 Now go with me and with this holy man
2051 Into the chantry by: there, before him,
2052 And underneath that consecrated roof,
2053 Plight me the full assurance of your faith;
2054 That my most jealous and too doubtful soul
2055 May live at peace. He shall conceal it
2056 Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,
2057 What time we will our celebration keep
2058 According to my birth. What do you say?

SEBASTIAN
2059 I'll follow this good man, and go with you;
2060 And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.

OLIVIA
2061 Then lead the way, good father; and heavens so shine,
2062 That they may fairly note this act of mine!
Exeunt

ACT V

SCENE I. Before OLIVIA's house.

Enter Clown and FABIAN

FABIAN
2063 Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.

Clown
2064 Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

FABIAN
2065 Any thing.

Clown
2066 Do not desire to see this letter.

FABIAN
2067 This is, to give a dog, and in recompense desire my
2068 dog again.

Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and Lords

DUKE ORSINO
2069 Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?

Clown
2070 Ay, sir; we are some of her trappings.

DUKE ORSINO
2071 I know thee well; how dost thou, my good fellow?
 Clown
2072 Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse
2073 for my friends.

DUKE ORSINO
2074 Just the contrary; the better for thy friends.

Clown
2075 No, sir, the worse.

DUKE ORSINO
2076 How can that be?

Clown
2077 Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me;
2078 now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by
2079 my foes, sir I profit in the knowledge of myself,
2080 and by my friends, I am abused: so that,
2081 conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives
2082 make your two affirmatives why then, the worse for
2083 my friends and the better for my foes.

DUKE ORSINO
2084 Why, this is excellent.

Clown
2085 By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be
2086 one of my friends.

DUKE ORSINO
2087 Thou shalt not be the worse for me: there's gold.

Clown
2088 But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would
2089 you could make it another.

DUKE ORSINO
2090 O, you give me ill counsel.

Clown
2091 Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once,
2092 and let your flesh and blood obey it.

DUKE ORSINO
2093 Well, I will be so much a sinner, to be a
2094 double-dealer: there's another.
 Clown
2095 Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play; and the old
2096 saying is, the third pays for all: the triplex,
2097 sir, is a good tripping measure; or the bells of
2098 Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind; one, two, three.

DUKE ORSINO
2099 You can fool no more money out of me at this throw:
2100 if you will let your lady know I am here to speak
2101 with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake
2102 my bounty further.

Clown
2103 Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come
2104 again. I go, sir; but I would not have you to think
2105 that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness:
2106 but, as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I
2107 will awake it anon.
Exit

VIOLA
2108 Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.

Enter ANTONIO and Officers

DUKE ORSINO
2109 That face of his I do remember well;
2110 Yet, when I saw it last, it was besmear'd
2111 As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war:
2112 A bawbling vessel was he captain of,
2113 For shallow draught and bulk unprizable;
2114 With which such scathful grapple did he make
2115 With the most noble bottom of our fleet,
2116 That very envy and the tongue of loss
2117 Cried fame and honour on him. What's the matter?

First Officer
2118 Orsino, this is that Antonio
2119 That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy;
2120 And this is he that did the Tiger board,
2121 When your young nephew Titus lost his leg:
2122 Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,
2123 In private brabble did we apprehend him.
 VIOLA
2124 He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side;
2125 But in conclusion put strange speech upon me:
2126 I know not what 'twas but distraction.

DUKE ORSINO
2127 Notable pirate! thou salt-water thief!
2128 What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies,
2129 Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear,
2130 Hast made thine enemies?

ANTONIO
2131 Orsino, noble sir,
2132 Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me:
2133 Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,
2134 Though I confess, on base and ground enough,
2135 Orsino's enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:
2136 That most ingrateful boy there by your side,
2137 From the rude sea's enraged and foamy mouth
2138 Did I redeem; a wreck past hope he was:
2139 His life I gave him and did thereto add
2140 My love, without retention or restraint,
2141 All his in dedication; for his sake
2142 Did I expose myself, pure for his love,
2143 Into the danger of this adverse town;
2144 Drew to defend him when he was beset:
2145 Where being apprehended, his false cunning,
2146 Not meaning to partake with me in danger,
2147 Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,
2148 And grew a twenty years removed thing
2149 While one would wink; denied me mine own purse,
2150 Which I had recommended to his use
2151 Not half an hour before.

VIOLA
2152 How can this be?

DUKE ORSINO
2153 When came he to this town?

ANTONIO
2154 To-day, my lord; and for three months before,
2155 No interim, not a minute's vacancy,
2156 Both day and night did we keep company.

Enter OLIVIA and Attendants

 DUKE ORSINO
2157 Here comes the countess: now heaven walks on earth.
2158 But for thee, fellow; fellow, thy words are madness:
2159 Three months this youth hath tended upon me;
2160 But more of that anon. Take him aside.

OLIVIA
2161 What would my lord, but that he may not have,
2162 Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?
2163 Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.

VIOLA
2164 Madam!

DUKE ORSINO
2165 Gracious Olivia,--

OLIVIA
2166 What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord,--

VIOLA
2167 My lord would speak; my duty hushes me.

OLIVIA
2168 If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,
2169 It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear
2170 As howling after music.

DUKE ORSINO
2171 Still so cruel?

OLIVIA
2172 Still so constant, lord.

DUKE ORSINO
2173 What, to perverseness? you uncivil lady,
2174 To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars
2175 My soul the faithfull'st offerings hath breathed out
2176 That e'er devotion tender'd! What shall I do?

OLIVIA
2177 Even what it please my lord, that shall become him.

DUKE ORSINO
2178 Why should I not, had I the heart to do it,
2179 Like to the Egyptian thief at point of death,
2180 Kill what I love?--a savage jealousy
2181 That sometimes savours nobly. But hear me this:
2182 Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,
2183 And that I partly know the instrument
2184 That screws me from my true place in your favour,
2185 Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still;
2186 But this your minion, whom I know you love,
2187 And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly,
2188 Him will I tear out of that cruel eye,
2189 Where he sits crowned in his master's spite.
2190 Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief:
2191 I'll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,
2192 To spite a raven's heart within a dove.

VIOLA
2193 And I, most jocund, apt and willingly,
2194 To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.

OLIVIA
2195 Where goes Cesario?

VIOLA
2196 After him I love
2197 More than I love these eyes, more than my life,
2198 More, by all mores, than e'er I shall love wife.
2199 If I do feign, you witnesses above
2200 Punish my life for tainting of my love!

OLIVIA
2201 Ay me, detested! how am I beguiled!

VIOLA
2202 Who does beguile you? who does do you wrong?

OLIVIA
2203 Hast thou forgot thyself? is it so long?
2204 Call forth the holy father.

DUKE ORSINO
2205 Come, away!

OLIVIA
2206 Whither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.

DUKE ORSINO
2207 Husband!
 OLIVIA
2208 Ay, husband: can he that deny?

DUKE ORSINO
2209 Her husband, sirrah!

VIOLA
2210 No, my lord, not I.

OLIVIA
2211 Alas, it is the baseness of thy fear
2212 That makes thee strangle thy propriety:
2213 Fear not, Cesario; take thy fortunes up;
2214 Be that thou know'st thou art, and then thou art
2215 As great as that thou fear'st.
Enter Priest
2216 O, welcome, father!
2217 Father, I charge thee, by thy reverence,
2218 Here to unfold, though lately we intended
2219 To keep in darkness what occasion now
2220 Reveals before 'tis ripe, what thou dost know
2221 Hath newly pass'd between this youth and me.

Priest
2222 A contract of eternal bond of love,
2223 Confirm'd by mutual joinder of your hands,
2224 Attested by the holy close of lips,
2225 Strengthen'd by interchangement of your rings;
2226 And all the ceremony of this compact
2227 Seal'd in my function, by my testimony:
2228 Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave
2229 I have travell'd but two hours.

DUKE ORSINO
2230 O thou dissembling cub! what wilt thou be
2231 When time hath sow'd a grizzle on thy case?
2232 Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow,
2233 That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow?
2234 Farewell, and take her; but direct thy feet
2235 Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.

VIOLA
2236 My lord, I do protest--
 OLIVIA
2237 O, do not swear!
2238 Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.

Enter SIR ANDREW

SIR ANDREW
2239 For the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently
2240 to Sir Toby.

OLIVIA
2241 What's the matter?

SIR ANDREW
2242 He has broke my head across and has given Sir Toby
2243 a bloody coxcomb too: for the love of God, your
2244 help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.

OLIVIA
2245 Who has done this, Sir Andrew?

SIR ANDREW
2246 The count's gentleman, one Cesario: we took him for
2247 a coward, but he's the very devil incardinate.

DUKE ORSINO
2248 My gentleman, Cesario?

SIR ANDREW
2249 'Od's lifelings, here he is! You broke my head for
2250 nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to do't
2251 by Sir Toby.

VIOLA
2252 Why do you speak to me? I never hurt you:
2253 You drew your sword upon me without cause;
2254 But I bespoke you fair, and hurt you not.

SIR ANDREW
2255 If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me: I
2256 think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and Clown
2257 Here comes Sir Toby halting; you shall hear more:
2258 but if he had not been in drink, he would have
2259 tickled you othergates than he did.
 DUKE ORSINO
2260 How now, gentleman! how is't with you?

SIR TOBY BELCH

2261 That's all one: has hurt me, and there's the end
2262 on't. Sot, didst see Dick surgeon, sot?

Clown
2263 O, he's drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes
2264 were set at eight i' the morning.

SIR TOBY BELCH

2265 Then he's a rogue, and a passy measures panyn: I
2266 hate a drunken rogue.

OLIVIA
2267 Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?

SIR ANDREW
2268 I'll help you, Sir Toby, because well be dressed together.

SIR TOBY BELCH

2269 Will you help? an ass-head and a coxcomb and a
2270 knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull!

OLIVIA
2271 Get him to bed, and let his hurt be look'd to.

Exeunt Clown, FABIAN, SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW

Enter SEBASTIAN

SEBASTIAN
2272 I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman:
2273 But, had it been the brother of my blood,
2274 I must have done no less with wit and safety.
2275 You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that
2276 I do perceive it hath offended you:
2277 Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows
2278 We made each other but so late ago.

DUKE ORSINO
2279 One face, one voice, one habit, and two persons,
2280 A natural perspective, that is and is not!
 SEBASTIAN
2281 Antonio, O my dear Antonio!
2282 How have the hours rack'd and tortured me,
2283 Since I have lost thee!

ANTONIO
2284 Sebastian are you?

SEBASTIAN
2285 Fear'st thou that, Antonio?

ANTONIO
2286 How have you made division of yourself?
2287 An apple, cleft in two, is not more twin
2288 Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?

OLIVIA
2289 Most wonderful!

SEBASTIAN
2290 Do I stand there? I never had a brother;
2291 Nor can there be that deity in my nature,
2292 Of here and every where. I had a sister,
2293 Whom the blind waves and surges have devour'd.
2294 Of charity, what kin are you to me?
2295 What countryman? what name? what parentage?

VIOLA
2296 Of Messaline: Sebastian was my father;
2297 Such a Sebastian was my brother too,
2298 So went he suited to his watery tomb:
2299 If spirits can assume both form and suit
2300 You come to fright us.

SEBASTIAN
2301 A spirit I am indeed;
2302 But am in that dimension grossly clad
2303 Which from the womb I did participate.
2304 Were you a woman, as the rest goes even,
2305 I should my tears let fall upon your cheek,
2306 And say 'Thrice-welcome, drowned Viola!'

VIOLA
2307 My father had a mole upon his brow.
 SEBASTIAN
2308 And so had mine.

VIOLA
2309 And died that day when Viola from her birth
2310 Had number'd thirteen years.

SEBASTIAN
2311 O, that record is lively in my soul!
2312 He finished indeed his mortal act
2313 That day that made my sister thirteen years.

VIOLA
2314 If nothing lets to make us happy both
2315 But this my masculine usurp'd attire,
2316 Do not embrace me till each circumstance
2317 Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump
2318 That I am Viola: which to confirm,
2319 I'll bring you to a captain in this town,
2320 Where lie my maiden weeds; by whose gentle help
2321 I was preserved to serve this noble count.
2322 All the occurrence of my fortune since
2323 Hath been between this lady and this lord.

SEBASTIAN
2324 [To OLIVIA] So comes it, lady, you have been mistook:
2325 But nature to her bias drew in that.
2326 You would have been contracted to a maid;
2327 Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived,
2328 You are betroth'd both to a maid and man.

DUKE ORSINO
2329 Be not amazed; right noble is his blood.
2330 If this be so, as yet the glass seems true,
2331 I shall have share in this most happy wreck.
To VIOLA
2332 Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times
2333 Thou never shouldst love woman like to me.

VIOLA
2334 And all those sayings will I overswear;
2335 And those swearings keep as true in soul
2336 As doth that orbed continent the fire
2337 That severs day from night.
 DUKE ORSINO
2338 Give me thy hand;
2339 And let me see thee in thy woman's weeds.

VIOLA
2340 The captain that did bring me first on shore
2341 Hath my maid's garments: he upon some action
2342 Is now in durance, at Malvolio's suit,
2343 A gentleman, and follower of my lady's.

OLIVIA
2344 He shall enlarge him: fetch Malvolio hither:
2345 And yet, alas, now I remember me,
2346 They say, poor gentleman, he's much distract.
Re-enter Clown with a letter, and FABIAN
2347 A most extracting frenzy of mine own
2348 From my remembrance clearly banish'd his.
2349 How does he, sirrah?

Clown
2350 Truly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the staves's end as
2351 well as a man in his case may do: has here writ a
2352 letter to you; I should have given't you to-day
2353 morning, but as a madman's epistles are no gospels,
2354 so it skills not much when they are delivered.

OLIVIA
2355 Open't, and read it.

Clown
2356 Look then to be well edified when the fool delivers
2357 the madman.
Reads
2358 'By the Lord, madam,'--

OLIVIA
2359 How now! art thou mad?

Clown
2360 No, madam, I do but read madness: an your ladyship
2361 will have it as it ought to be, you must allow Vox.

OLIVIA
2362 Prithee, read i' thy right wits.
 Clown
2363 So I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to
2364 read thus: therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.

OLIVIA
2365 Read it you, sirrah.
To FABIAN

FABIAN
2366 [Reads] 'By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the
2367 world shall know it: though you have put me into
2368 darkness and given your drunken cousin rule over
2369 me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as
2370 your ladyship. I have your own letter that induced
2371 me to the semblance I put on; with the which I doubt
2372 not but to do myself much right, or you much shame.
2373 Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little
2374 unthought of and speak out of my injury.
2375 THE MADLY-USED MALVOLIO.'

OLIVIA
2376 Did he write this?

Clown
2377 Ay, madam.

DUKE ORSINO
2378 This savours not much of distraction.

OLIVIA
2379 See him deliver'd, Fabian; bring him hither.
Exit FABIAN
2380 My lord so please you, these things further
2381 thought on,
2382 To think me as well a sister as a wife,
2383 One day shall crown the alliance on't, so please you,
2384 Here at my house and at my proper cost.

DUKE ORSINO
2385 Madam, I am most apt to embrace your offer.
To VIOLA
2386 Your master quits you; and for your service done him,
2387 So much against the mettle of your sex,
2388 So far beneath your soft and tender breeding,
2389 And since you call'd me master for so long,
2390 Here is my hand: you shall from this time be
2391 Your master's mistress.

OLIVIA
2392 A sister! you are she.

Re-enter FABIAN, with MALVOLIO

DUKE ORSINO
2393 Is this the madman?

OLIVIA
2394 Ay, my lord, this same.
2395 How now, Malvolio!

MALVOLIO
2396 Madam, you have done me wrong,
2397 Notorious wrong.

OLIVIA
2398 Have I, Malvolio? no.

MALVOLIO
2399 Lady, you have. Pray you, peruse that letter.
2400 You must not now deny it is your hand:
2401 Write from it, if you can, in hand or phrase;
2402 Or say 'tis not your seal, nor your invention:
2405 You can say none of this: well, grant it then
2406 And tell me, in the modesty of honour,
2407 Why you have given me such clear lights of favour,
2408 Bade me come smiling and cross-garter'd to you,
2409 To put on yellow stockings and to frown
2410 Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people;
2411 And, acting this in an obedient hope,
2412 Why have you suffer'd me to be imprison'd,
2413 Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,
2414 And made the most notorious geck and gull
2415 That e'er invention play'd on? tell me why.

OLIVIA
2416 Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,
2417 Though, I confess, much like the character
2418 But out of question 'tis Maria's hand.
2419 And now I do bethink me, it was she
2420 First told me thou wast mad; then camest in smiling,
2421 And in such forms which here were presupposed
2422 Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content:
2423 This practise hath most shrewdly pass'd upon thee;
2424 But when we know the grounds and authors of it,
2425 Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge
2426 Of thine own cause.

FABIAN
2427 Good madam, hear me speak,
2428 And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come
2429 Taint the condition of this present hour,
2430 Which I have wonder'd at. In hope it shall not,
2431 Most freely I confess, myself and Toby
2432 Set this device against Malvolio here,
2433 Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts
2434 We had conceived against him: Maria writ
2435 The letter at Sir Toby's great importance;
2436 In recompense whereof he hath married her.
2437 How with a sportful malice it was follow'd,
2438 May rather pluck on laughter than revenge;
2439 If that the injuries be justly weigh'd
2440 That have on both sides pass'd.

OLIVIA
2441 Alas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!

Clown
2442 Why, 'some are born great, some achieve greatness,
2443 and some have greatness thrown upon them.' I was
2444 one, sir, in this interlude; one Sir Topas, sir; but
2445 that's all one. 'By the Lord, fool, I am not mad.'
2446 But do you remember? 'Madam, why laugh you at such
2447 a barren rascal? an you smile not, he's gagged:'
2448 and thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.

MALVOLIO
2449 I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you.
Exit

OLIVIA
2450 He hath been most notoriously abused.

DUKE ORSINO
2451 Pursue him and entreat him to a peace:
2452 He hath not told us of the captain yet:
2453 When that is known and golden time convents,
2454 A solemn combination shall be made
2455 Of our dear souls. Meantime, sweet sister,
2456 We will not part from hence. Cesario, come;
2457 For so you shall be, while you are a man;
2458 But when in other habits you are seen,
2459 Orsino's mistress and his fancy's queen.
Exeunt all, except Clown

Clown
[Sings]
2460 When that I was and a little tiny boy,
2461 With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,
2462 A foolish thing was but a toy,
2463 For the rain it raineth every day.
2464 But when I came to man's estate,
2465 With hey, ho, & c.
2466 'Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate,
2467 For the rain, & c.
2468 But when I came, alas! to wive,
2469 With hey, ho, & c.
2470 By swaggering could I never thrive,
2471 For the rain, & c.
2472 But when I came unto my beds,
2473 With hey, ho, & c.
2474 With toss-pots still had drunken heads,
2475 For the rain, & c.
2476 A great while ago the world begun,
2477 With hey, ho, & c.
2478 But that's all one, our play is done,
2479 And we'll strive to please you every day.
Exit