Aging in Place: A Most Personal Story

By Patrick Roden RN, PhD

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks.

-Arthur Miller
 
I’ve struggled with whether to post this personal experience because in some ways
it feels like a betrayal; and I was also concerned about committing social suicide
with colleagues. What won out was my commitment to be part of the solution—
and so here is my story:

Aging in Place: A Most Personal Story

My mother had open heart surgery this past January; she is 84 and frail. She lives
with her brother (76) and sister (85) in a small and very cluttered house…the
house that I grew up in.

One of my first cars was an empty Dodge van, I bought it so I would always have a
place to go—there was no room in the house (I still have one in my driveway to this
day). We never had friends over or social events at the house. As adults my sisters
and I weren’t able to stay over night—literally no place to lie down. Two of the main
rooms have not been inhabited for 20 years due to clutter. 
I knew before surgery the dwelling was going to need aging-in-place modifications
and de-cluttering—so I began to introduce the idea months ahead of time (it’s
actually been years). My suggestions were not welcomed, nor embraced, and in fact
caused defensive resistance. As the surgery date neared I capitulated and sadly
knew the dark storm that was off shore brewing.

Home From the Hospital

After a successful surgery and a month in a rehab center she was brought back to
her home; which was not set up to accommodate a walker due to clutter. Suddenly
the reality of the situation began to sink in. The walker barely cleared the piles of
stuff in the hall, and the bathroom was not accessible.

I sadly witnessed her attempts to negotiate this inhospitable environment and my

heart sank. Her brother, a loving presence, has resisted any suggestions of aging-
in-place modifications or de-cluttering. So as he struggled to get her to the
bathroom, I stepped in to help—it was then that I feel he began to see for the first
time the limitations of the surroundings.

This presented a narrow window of opportunity…

Trying to Make Better Bad Choices   

It’s really quite Ironic (and crazy), here I am supposedly a “content expert” in the
area of aging in place (after all I own aginginplace.com) and I’m running around
mid-week in this small town of very limited resources looking for aging-in-place
products!

I ran to the local drug store only to find a single choice (not my first choice) for a
bath chair, the last one on the shelf, and less than optimal shower curtains to take
the place of the glass doors I had to remove. My sister the week before had
purchased a raised toilet seat that was met with predictable resistance—until they
tried it…Instant converts.

Family
Dealing with family can be the most challenging, go to any web site on care giving
and you’ll find resource after resource on the topic. It’s all academic, until it happens
to you.

My mother’s sister admitted to me she didn’t want the visiting nurse to be called
because “she would make us clear out the clutter,” something I wasn’t able to do.
My family does not view me as a professional; they never have trusted people with
educations and have reminded me of this on several occasions. So I don’t talk much
about mine. And as many of their generation, they haven’t embraced technology,
thus they’ve never been curious about my web site or professional activities.
I mention this only in point of reference and to help the reader understand this
scenario. I know what to do and how to help (I’ve studied environmental
gerontology since 1993) yet the elders in my family didn’t choose to listen and be
proactive.

Instead of sitting down, making a plan, preparing ahead of time, and purchasing
from the wide range of aging-in-place products and trying them out first, the
situation became one of reaction-after-the-fact. Crisis mode isn’t optimal when
making important choices; possibilities become limited and tunnel vision sets
in.

This all could have been avoided, leading to a much smoother transition and better
long-term outcomes. They just didn’t see the value of planning ahead, or want to
deal with change. As the kids say; "that's just how they roll."

The Aging in Place Issue

Aging-in-place professionals frequently face these kinds of issues with clients—and
often with family. What we’re promoting is independence and quality of life and
these are not products that are shiny, make you look slimmer, or taste good—
rather they are by-products. And by-products, not unlike good health, have to be
experienced then lost before they are valued; this is a harder sell.

My in-laws are just the opposite (I want to avoid comparison here). My father-in-law
is a retired pharmacist; he knows the value of health and planning ahead. They
recently installed a comfort-height Toto toilet. He's had some knee issues and pro-
actively took steps to improve their quality of life by making a simple change. They
love it.

His brother-in-law questioned why they needed it? And wanted to know why they
spent the money (subtext: Why did you waste the money?)? This brings to mind an
ancient Zen saying:

 “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”

Not everyone is ready, but the teacher is aging and will appear. Getting people to
make their future a part of their current philosophy has never been a breeze—it just
seems to go against human nature; but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try…
especially with those we love.

My goal in posting this was to keep others from making the same painful mistakes—
and to show that even someone versed in the knowledge of aging in place can have
challenges convincing his own family it’s the sensible thing to do.

I pray this causes the reader to think more proactively about the issue of aging in
place…should that happen I will consider this post a success.
I’d like you to share your thoughts and experience.

See
A Successful Aging in Place Story from Craig Lill

Simplifying Daily Living

For me it was my mother-in-law moving in that reinforced my ideas on simplifying

daily living.

She was typical, everything was OK and she could adjust. She had a fake leg named
Oliver which made stairs difficult. When I offered to put in a ramp she said ramps
where harder to walk up then stairs. I put in stairs with a 4" rise or 1/2 steps as she
would call them.

Since then I have had many people comment on how easy it was to walk up the
steps. She was very good at explaining what would help her and why. The best
ideas came when she was busy trying to do a simple task. A quick question,
"Janet, what would help make that easier to do?" With out thinking the answer
would come.

Her room was by the main entrance to the house. I thought it would be too noisy,
NOT, everybody went to her room first unless the door was closed. She was part of
the action, part of life.

I would take the generic recommendation and then personalize it to fit her. Since
then , I have installed kitchen wall cabinets at heights that let a couple use the first
shelf without using step stool. The wife was overjoyed to be able to reach the first
shelf.

Assisted Living units have many good features but they have to be more generic. In
a home it should be personalized to the individual in need. Most items can be
removed, holes patched and painted when not needed anymore. A curbless shower,
raised toilet, handrails actually make life easier for everyone, it could become your
favorite bathroom.

Personal Statement from Craig:

I design kitchens and have always been amazed at how people

won't improve the ease and usefulness of their kitchens or bathrooms. The
reasons are usually: "Yes, that would make it easier for me but I am use to
doing it this way." The other one would be: "You just want to make more
money off of me."
Friends of mine just redid their first floor bathroom, added a
curbless shower, raised toilet and pedestal sink, she raves about it, life
is so much easier. She wanted to do this when they bought the house 20
years ago but he wouldn't let her. " We don't need that, waste of money."
He now has Alzheimer's with a live in aid. Life is simpler now.

Craig Lill is a BPI Certified Building Analyst: rcraig.lill@gmail.com

Remodeling Now to Avoid Accessibility Problems Later

What's Possible With Willing Family Members: Successful Aging in Place
Talk Early…Talk Often
(photo staugustinelighthouse.com)