How to

Fight Fair
 How to Fight Fair

“Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen,
heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment.”
- Brené Brown; Daring Greatly

When it comes to fighting and marriage, we are experts! I’m not saying we’re
proud of it but we have had our fair share of fights - and most of them in the
first 9 years of our marriage were ugly!

Name calling
Blaming
Lots of shaming
Threatening to leave
Slamming doors
Crying uncontrollably
Screaming
Cussing… oh the curse words that have come out of our mouths
Giving the silent treatment for days

You name it, we’ve done it!

Luckily we’re here to tell you that there is HOPE. If you’re not great at fighting
fair, or maybe your spouse is the one who continues to break all of the “rules”,
today is a great day to start learning new techniques. That’s what we did,
and it’s been incredible to walk away after an argument and still feel loved,
understood, listened to, and most importantly, with a plan of how to resolve the
issue.
If you’re ready to get healthy before, during, and after your arguments, decide
TODAY that you’re going to give your best and break unhealthy habits. Here
are a few more helpful reminders when it comes to fighting fair!

-Don’t allow small things to build up over time and then explode out of nowhere.
This causes more damage, so be sure to communicate early and often.

-If you are tired or hungry and don’t want to talk about the issue, schedule a time
for the next day to talk about it.

-Don’t use sarcasm as a way to lighten the mood. It can be very hurtful during an
argument and cause more frustration.

-Keep the goal of the fight in mind. The goal of the fight is to understand each other
better, to get closer emotionally, and to resolve the issue so you don’t have to face it
again.

-Don’t interrupt. This is a major struggle when you feel like your spouse is going off
on a tangent or not making sense, but interrupting shows a lack of respect. Try to
listen in order to understand their perspective.

-Keep the fights between you two. Don’t mention that your mom agrees with you or
walk away from the argument while calling a friend. If you can’t find a resolution to
the issue, seek help from a counselor, life coach, safe friend, or pastor.

Connecting Questions

1 Growing up, how did your parents handle conflict?

 2 Growing up, how did your parents handle conflict?

3 Did you ever see your parents apologize to each other or to you after an
argument?

4 What are some things you have learned from watching your parents deal
with conflict either in their marriage or in life?

5 In your opinion, what are some positive habits that you’d like to
see during our conflict? Examples: eye contact, listening without
interrupting, keeping our tone calm, silencing our phones, etc.

6 What behaviors trigger you during conflict and why? Examples: cussing,
name calling, giving the silent treatment, walking away right in the
middle of talking, defensiveness, etc.

7 When we dated and got into an argument, do you feel like we handled it
well? Why or why not?

8 Out of the 5 Don’ts Casey and Meygan talked about during the
webcast, which one do you think is the biggest struggle for you and why?

Minimizing Avoiding Judging Stacking the Deck Being Mean

9 Out of the 5 Do’s Casey and Meygan recommended during the
webcast, which one do you want me to implement the most and
why? Which one are you going to work on and why?

Assume the Positive

Listen with Empathy
Asking, “On a scale of 1-10, how important is this to you?”
Validating Emotions
Accepting Responsibility

10 Have I done anything that has made you feel like I didn’t care about
our arguments?

11 What are some ways I can make you feel safe to be messy when
we’re in conflict?

12 What’s a topic that seems to always lead to us arguing? Why do you

think this topic is so heated?

13 What time of the day/week do you think it’s best for us to have
difficult conversations?

14 When you argue with co-workers, friends or family members, what

are things you do to try and resolve it?
15 If we cannot get past a certain issue, would you be open to going
marriage counseling? Why or why not?

16 For parents: Have we ever argued in front of the kids? If so, have we
done a good job at showing them how we reconcile? What are some
ways we can teach some of these Do’s to our children for when they
get into conflict with their friends/siblings?
 ACTION PLAN
Never EVER threaten divorce, especially during a fight. Threatening divorce
turns a fair fight into a dirty one. Saying the “D” word is like dropping a nuclear
bomb on the whole fight by simply killing everything in sight. When you say this,
where do you go from there? Why put in any more effort in the conversation or
the relationship if the other person is packing their bags? The spouse who said the
“D” word is either giving up or using it as a threat. This sort of dirty play will put
your spouse in the position of being either the only one fighting for the marriage
or feeling like “why bother” if you don’t really want to be married. Marriage can be
hard and giving up makes it even harder. Remove the word DIVORCE from your
vocabulary.

Know when it’s okay to go to bed mad. You probably heard the saying, “Never go
to bed angry,” and while that sounds great, it’s not always the best idea for couples.
If you’re tired, grumpy, or you need some time to process everything your spouse
just shared, it’s okay to AGREE to pause the argument and schedule time the next
day. The key to making this work is to AGREE. This does not mean that one of you
walks away while the other is left feeling like their spouse gave up on the fight. If
you’re the one that needs a good night sleep, simply say, “I love you. I want to work
on resolving this with you, but right now, I’m not at my best and need some sleep.
Can we schedule time tomorrow at 11am to finish this up?”

Pick your battles. If you’re naturally a more passive person, this is easier for you -
and count yourself lucky! If you are stubborn, prideful or strong willed like we are,
this will be challenging. Honestly, we wish more couples would willingly let things go
in their marriage, but we live in a world where truth and justice are most important
- and everyone in our life needs to know what we feel and that we are RIGHT!
We get it, and we can fall into that trap easily, but sometimes it’s okay to agree to
disagree. Sometimes you’re not right. Sometimes you’re being close-minded and
cannot see that you’re hurting your spouse. Picking your battles means that your
marriage means more to you than your ego!
 ACTION PLAN
Get help if you’re stuck! The average couple waits six years to get help for their
marriage, and oftentimes it’s too late and really expensive! It is normal if you
and your spouse cannot find a solution to the issue you’re dealing with. Most
couples don’t have the tools and techniques to figure it out on their own, which
is why we exist! This is why we have webcasts and a large library of resources that
help couples do self-therapy. We encourage you to watch all of our webcasts by
becoming a monthly member to MyMarriage365, but if you feel like you’re still
stuck, go to counseling or schedule a session with a life coach. Having a third set
of eyes on your marriage problems is extremely helpful and freeing because this
person is not emotionally invested in your life. They can see things you cannot.
They can teach you techniques to work through the conflict and come out even
heather and more connected on the other side.

Have a tough conversation. If your spouse refuses to fight fair and will not watch
this webcast or seek professional help, then it’s time for the tough conversation and
it needs to go something like this:

“I want to let you know that I love you. On our wedding day, I vowed to do whatever
it takes to make our marriage work and to love you, in the good times and in the bad
times. I want us to be be a team and experience so much love. With that said, I have felt
very unloved and disrespected during our arguments. I am trying really hard to listen
to your perspective and I feel like we’re getting nowhere. I’ve asked to go to counseling
and you refuse. I’ve asked you to watch the webcast, and you refuse. I can’t make you
do anything you don’t want to do, but I also know that I can’t go on this way. I’m trying
too hard to fix what’s broken and you’re not willing, or maybe you’re afraid. So I need to
know if you’re going to be present in this marriage and do the work you promised me on
our wedding day. I need to know what your expectations are and what you want from
this marriage.”