Some Joke

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By David
! Here they were, trying to stop a Russian named Erik Kazakov from
firing a nuclear missile. Where did it start? The beginning I guess:
!
! “Yo Red!” said Bruce the 23 year old computer hacker, “Check what
I found.” Red, Bruceʼs partner in crime, walked over and gasped. “What
is that? Whereʼs it from?”
! “Russia,” explained Bruce, “Itʼs on a dude named Erik Kazakovʼs
computer.”
! “Looks like some sort of plan,” said Jimmy a.k.a. Red, “It seems to
involve nuclear weapons, possibly missiles.”
! “Letʼs look further into it,” said Bruce, “Might be worth something.”
! As Bruce and Red looked into it they saw the pieces coming
together. In fact they almost had it right, but they didnʼt. They were
missing the most important part. And that part to this day nobody but
those two know.
! “I think Iʼve got it,” said Red,“Itʼs a plan to destroy something. But
what?”
! They were trying to find out what lay in the path of destruction.
Meanwhile on the other side of the world, Erik Kazakov was ordering his
workers to get cracking on the design for the new nuclear missile so
they could destroy Helsinki soon.
! Bruce and Red had come up with what the plan was. The plan was
to make tons of new nuclear projectile weapons and destroy the world.
! “We canʼt stop them ourselves,” said Bruce. “We need someone to
do it for us, someone who has been trained for this kind of stuff.
! “How about the C.I.A..” Offered Red “These are the exact kind of
problems they handle”.
! “Good thinking, weʼll go first thing tomorrow morning. Weʼd better go
to bed, itʼs gone midnight.”
! The next morning they woke up with all sorts of nerves, they were
excited but nervous at the same time. Red waited for Bruce to wake up
before he made breakfast. Bruce Kept saying, “I donʼt think this is a
good idea. What if they put us in jail, or even worse, the C.I.A. think
weʼre big fat liars and laugh at us. Nothing can be worse than that much
humiliation.”
! “Hold your horses Brucey boy. Iʼd rather be humiliated than thrown
in jail, if they ask us how we found out we say this thing just popped up
on the screen while you were checking your email and it looked weird,
so you looked over it and we found this out.”
! Both men barely touched their food, with all the nerves they just
couldnʼt eat. Finally they decided to get in their car and go to the C.I.A.
HQ. When they arrived there was a guard who escorted them to the
chairmanʼs office. They looked around the room and saw a balding man
sitting at a desk, with his pressed suit and brown leather shoeʼs he
looked more like a business man than a chairman of a spy agency.
“Take a seat,” he said. “Youʼre here because you have a case you want
to discuss, am I right?”
! “Yes,” replied Red.
! “Well what exactly is the case you want to discuss?”
! “Itʼs about something that popped up on my computer while I was
checking my e-mail yesterday. I think it was some sort of plan to destroy
the world.” said Bruce.
! “Do you have any idea who it was and how they plan to destroy the
world?”
! “Yes. Itʼs Russia trying to destroy the world, it was on a guy named
Erik Kazakovʼs computer. And they plan to destroy the world with
nuclear weapons.” explained Red.
! By this time the chairman was choking, trying not to laugh, “Is this
some kind of joke? Iʼve heard this one a million times before.”
! Bruce lost his temper “NO! THIS IS NOT A JOKE THIS IS
SERIOUS!”
! The chairman was furious, “Get out before I throw both of you in
jail!” He boomed. And that was that, the door slammed behind them,
with no hope of winning them over they decided to go home.
! As they pulled into their driveway Red announced, “Well that was a
bust”
! “No kidding,” Bruce agreed. “What do we do now? We canʼt let them
destroy the world, can we?”
! “No,” agreed Red, “but we could take it on ourselves.”
! “Yeah right,” said Bruce, “Like two 23 year oldʼs are gonna stop
Russia from destroying the world.”
! “I guess youʼre right,” said Red, “But what would you rather? Having
0% chance of being alive this time next year. Or having 1% chance of
being alive this time next year?”
! “I guess Iʼd rather have 1% chance,” agreed Bruce “But have you
watched the news lately? Russia is constantly making new projectile
weapons, meanwhile weʼve only got old oneʼs from the 1900ʼs.”
! “I know,” agreed Red, “But Iʼd still rather have a small chance of
being alive this time next year. Iʼm gonna set out once Iʼm ready with
gear, whether youʼre going with me or not!” Red exclaimed.
! “All right, all right, weʼll go to Walmart tomorrow to buy guns. But
where can we get the rest of the stuff?" asked Bruce.
! “I dunno,” said Red, “The internet, maybe?”
! As they were surfing the web Erik Kazakov was on his computer
thinking to himself, I am so smart. Nobody will stop this plan.
! The two men finished their searching and clicked on finish. “One
thousand nine hundred and eighty eight!” exclaimed Bruce, “That is way
too much!”
! “If you we donʼt pay we wont save the world,” reminded Red.
! “Youʼre right” agreed Bruce, “Now letʼs head to Walmart to get the
guns.”
! They climbed into their car and drove to Walmart. They arrived and
headed to the guns section. “Do you have a license?” asked the man
who greeted them at the guns section.
! “Yes,” answered Red as he flashed his license to own a gun.
! “In that case then what can I get you today?” asked the man.
! “Weʼll buy 3 AK47ʼs, 2 double barrel shotguns, and 2 regular
pistols,” answered Bruce.
! “You two starting world war 3 or something? Hang on, Iʼll go get
them.” a few minutes passed and the man was back. “ Would you like
1964 AK47ʼs or 1974 ones.”
! “Whichever oneʼs more powerful.” answered Red with enthusiasm.
! “O.K..” said the man “Then how about the pistols?”
! “We want them small,” said Bruce.
! “But powerful,” added Red.
! “That would be the 1976 model,” said the man. “Iʼll go get them.”
After a few moments the man was back with all the guns.
! “How much is that?” asked Red.
! “Four hundred and ninety-six dollars.” Answered the man.
! “Hereʼs the money,” said Bruce as he gave the man the money.
! They left Walmart and went back to their house. There was a
package on the doorstep, “That was fast,” stated Red ¨The package is
already here. Lets pack up to leave.”
! They each had ordered a new camping bag so they unpacked the
package and packed all the stuff in their camping bags. Then they
realized something, they realized that they needed to pack their snow
clothes. They went into their winter clothes closet and got out their ski
clothes and packed them in the top of their bags.
! They needed the first plane to Moscow. They went to the airport and
Bruce said, “Get us on the next plane to Moscow.”
! The airport employee replied, “One hour until that. $2,000.”
! Red forked over the money and he gave them the tickets.
! They were running as fast as possible trying to get to the plane on
time. Their legs were a blur. With their packs weighing them down they
wished they had packed lighter. But finally they reached the gate, got on
the plane and were off.
! Fourteen hours later the planeʼs wheels hit the ground of Moscow.
The men were ready to get off the plane. As they came off they rushed
to the exit and rented a car. In their rented white GTI they were breaking
the speed limit and going 110 kph as the Urals were coming into sight.
They were mostly covered in snow and the men had a hunch that they
bad guys had a secret layer somewhere in a cave in the Urals.!
! As they were passing through a city they decided that they needed
to get more guns because Russians always have the best and newest
guns. They decided to get three M24 100 Cal machine guns, (Made in
2003) and 2 single barrel 50 Cal shotguns. After that they headed back
to their car. !
! The two men were exhausted and they pulled in to the first hotel
they saw. It was called the Ovenchkin hotel. They found the concierge
with ease and they rented a room with two double beds and a balcony
overlooking the middle of nowhere.
! First thing the next morning they had breakfast, Bruce had instant
pancakes while Red just had a simple bowl of cereal. After breakfast
they got in their car and took turns in driving for three hours until they
reached the Urals.
! They found a road that went up the mountain and drove to the top.
On the way they saw lots of caves but they knew that the bad guys were
on the back of the mountain in a cave. What they didnʼt know was what
cave they are in.
! They reached the back of the mountain and found the biggest cave.
They put on their snow coats and got out their pistols, just in case. “Are
you sure you want to do this?” asked Bruce.
! “Yes I am,” replied Red.
! They walked into the cave, all too aware of their surroundings. They
heard voiceʼs and drew their pistols. The voice was saying “No. You
canʼt make changes because you donʼt want to do hard work! You must
do it my way!” the voice sounded russian.
! The two men slowly and carefully walked towards the noise. They
found a bunch of people and they were all talking about some nuclear
missile.
! The men decided that these were the crooks. They needed to find
hiding places where they could hide with the AK-47ʼs and demand
information about the nuclear weapons. “Lets get in here tomorrow
morning first thing and get hidden,” suggested Red, “Tonight weʼll sleep
in the car.”
! So they slept in the car and were woken up by both of their watches
beeping like crazy only a few seconds apart. They both shot straight up
like rockets and banged their heads on the roof. “OUCH!” They both
said at the same time.
! After that unexpected head incident they were ready to start the day
and get ready. The first thing they did was eat breakfast. They both had
a mini box of frosted flakes and water to drink.
! They got their snow clothes on and tucked their pistols inside, just
incase, they got out their AK-47ʼs and headed into the cave.
! As they were searching for hiding spots they heard someone
coming into the cave. Needless to say they both grabbed a gun and
dove for the nearest place that could hide them. They heard footsteps
coming towards them and every time they saw something shaped like a
foot they would have a mini heart attack. They sat tense for what
seemed like forever but was only until 4pm that afternoon.
! Finally a man who they had been calling Mr. Kazakov came over
their way, they gave each other the thumbs up, and jumped up pointed
their guns at the man and demanded information on their plans. The
man responded by pulling out his gun and pointed it at Bruceʼs head.
Bruce responded to that by shooting the man in the hand.
“AAAHHGGG!” screamed the man in pain, “Vat vas zat for?” said the
man in his broken english.
! “Pointing a gun at my head.” replied Bruce like it was the most
normal thing on earth to shoot someone in the hand.
! “Now tell us,” said Red “What are your plans exactly.”
! “I will not tell you what we are planning and F.Y.I I have my finger on
a button that if I press will have you killed in 1 second.” said Erik
Kazakov. “Now scram!”
! The men didnʼt need a second invitation. They ʻscramedʼ as fast as
lightning, jumped into their car a sped down the mountain back to the
motel. The concierge greeted them, “That was fast.”
! “Is the same room still available?” asked Red.
! “Yes” replied the concierge.
! “Weʼll take it for three nights please.”
! “Right this way,” said the inn keeper as she walked towards the
room.”
! “Well what should we do now?” asked Bruce.
! “The reason we got beat was because we didnʼt know they had
traps. What we need to find out is where the blind spot is, where there
isnʼt any traps.” said Red.
! “Theyʼve probably not put traps where the missiles are themselves.”
Said Bruce.
! “Good thinking,” said Red, “But if weʼre wrong we could get killed.”
said Red.
! “So you have a plan, Iʼm assuming.” said Bruce.
! “Yes, my plan is that we place video cameras there one morning
and watch them regularly for three days and then weʼll know where
everything is, and learn more about their plan, so weʼll be able to
successfully stop them.” said Red.
! “That sounds like a plan to me if I ever heard one.” said Bruce “One
problem though.”
! “Whatʼs the problem?” asked Red.
! “We need video cameraʼs.” replied Bruce.
! “Remember when we got the guns here in Russia.” said Red “Well
as we walked to the guns shop I saw a place that sold video cameras
the size of golf balls.”
! “Nice plan.” said Bruce.“Weʼll go tomorrow morning ʻcause itʼs an
hour to get out there and if we went tonight itʼd be closed.”
! “O.K ,” said Red “lets catch some zʼs. Itʼs getting late.”
! The Next morning they both slept in and got a chance to recover
from their jet lag. When they did finally get up they had a slow good
breakfast and got dressed. By then it was noon. They decided that it
was time to go and get the video cameras.
! They went to the store and when they arrived Red said “Lets go!”
! They walked in, grabbed 6 of the cameras that they wanted and
payed. That night at 10:00pm they went in and set up the cameraʼs.
After that they went back to the hotel. They went to bed that night at
about midnight.
! In the morning they watched what was happening on the video
cameraʼs. Information was coming out so fast that they didnʼt know what
to do with it. After three days of watching the cameras they had found
out 3 things that they didnʼt know before. 1. The only bad guy was Erik
Kazakov, the rest of the guys were just so scared of him. 2. They were
only trying to destroy helsinki, not the world. 3. The missile didnʼt have a
defuse button.
! That last thing was the most important part, that ment that they had
to stop them before they pressed the start button.
! Because of that they ran into their car and turned out of the hotel
towards the Urals. Bruce had the pedal floored the whole way until they
go close to the cave, they didnʼt want to be heard by the bad guys.
! As they climbed out of their car they heard a mans voice coming
from the cave. “Nothing unusual.” shrugged Red.
! They burst into the cave and saw nothing. They walked towards the
section of the cave with the missile was being modified. They pricked
their ears next to the wall and heard lots of voices. They were saying
stuff like “We must finish today.” and “Only five hours left.”
! From what they put together the bad guys were going to destroy
Helsinki today in 5 hours. They sprung to action right away by going into
their car getting 2 of their handheld machine guns and went right back to
the room.
! “3 2 1 GO!” said Red right before they burst into the room.
! “I warned you!” said Erik Kazakov “and this time Iʼm not kidding!”
! “We know thereʼs no traps here,” said Bruce, “We set up cameraʼs
everywhere.”
! “Now hereʼs the deal,” Said Red “You donʼt destroy Helsinki and we
wonʼt destroy you.”
! “Never!” replied Erik Kazakov as he pulled out and fired a warning
bullet at the roof.
! As a response Bruce shot him in his leg and Erik crumpled to the
ground unconscious after he hit it. He woke up 3 minutes later with a
machine gun pointed at his head. “If you destroy Helsinki youʼll probably
destroy Finland in the long run and if you destroy Finland than look at all
the gold, lead, nickel, copper, and many more natural resources that
Finland has. You donʼt want that to happen do you?” Said Bruce.
! “I donʼt care!” came the reply.
! “Really” said Red sarcastically “then what about your grandparents
in Tampere, right next to Helsinki huh? What about them, Iʼm sure you
donʼt want to hurt them?”
! “They donʼt live there anymore.” replied Kazakov.
! “Then whats this!” declared Bruce as he lifted up Erikʼs calendar and
flipped to june 26, “Whatʼs that say? It says visit grandparents in
Tampere.”
! “Face it,” said Red “Weʼve outsmarted you in every way.”
! “I guess youʼre right” said Erik as he fell back and accidentally hit
the countdown button.
! “Uh-oh” said Bruce “Thereʼs no way of stopping it now. Weʼre
doomed.”
! “Actually we arenʼt” said one of the workers, “We just need to get a
boulder and put it in front of the missiles path. Maybe somewhere over a
deserted place or something.”
! “I know,” said another worker, “We could redirect it to across the
Urals and have it hit a rocky section.”
! “In that case letʼs do that right away,” ordered Erik “We have three
minutes.”
! Everyone was moving as fast as possible in order to shoot it at the
mountain 1000 miles away. The missile was counting down 30 29 28 27
26 25 24- “We need to locate the target! And Fast!” shouted a random
worker.
! Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock. Time was against them and the
countdown read 5 4 3 2- “Ready!” shouted the same worker. And before
you could say Bam well.......

!
BAM!
They all watched the radar as the missile, going 3,000 MPH, soared
through the sky and became closer to the mountain by the second. They
watched it collide and explode with a bang. Only it didnʼt do any
damage.
! “Thatʼs weird,” said Bruce.
! “Not really,” replied Kazakov, “You see all I did was use fake nuclear
just to scare Helsinki that their under attack. Nobody would help me with
that so I decided to lie.”
! Bruce was ready to explode, “You mean we did all this for nothing!”
! “I guess,” agreed Kazakov.
! Bruce felt like punching a wall so he shot Kazakov in his good hand.
“WOULD YOU STOP DOING THAT!” shouted Kazakov who looked
ready to bite someones head off.
! “On the bright side,” said Red, “The missile didnʼt hurt anyone.” And
as he said that Kazakov dropped to the floor unconscious.
! “Not worth a third bullet.” stated Bruce who was turning around with
chain wrapped around his right hand.

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