Principles in Familial Stability

by Sheikh Mohammad bin Ghalib Al-Omari —hafidhahullah—

© Copyright Sheikh Mohammad bin Ghalib’s official page/s

The following document is a translation of a lecture entitled “So that the family
becomes stabilized” delivered on the 5 of Dhul-Hijjah 1441.
th

Table of Contents
1. The First principle............................................................................................................................... 5
2. The Second Principle...................................................................................................................... 12
3. The Third Principle........................................................................................................................... 15
4. The Fourth Principle........................................................................................................................ 19
5. The Fifth Principle............................................................................................................................ 23
6. The Sixth Principle........................................................................................................................... 24
7. The Seventh Principle.................................................................................................................... 26
8. The Eighth Principle........................................................................................................................ 28
9. The Ninth Principle.......................................................................................................................... 32
10. The Tenth Principle....................................................................................................................... 34

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 Indeed all praise is for Allah, we praise Him, seek His
assistance and His forgiveness. We seek refuge in Allah
from the evil of our souls and the evil of our actions.
Whosoever Allah guides there is none to misguide, and
whomsoever He misguides, there is none to guide. I
bear witness that none has the right to be worshiped
except Allah alone, and I bear witness that Muhammad
is His servant and Messenger.

We meet this night by the permission of Allah —

glorified and exalted be He— with this lecture entitled
“So that the family becomes stabilized”. The speech
about familial problems and the causes of disturbance
and disorder in the stability of Muslim families is a matter
many have spoken about, has been explained on
several occasions, and the advice of scholars, and
subsequently, the advice of the experts have come
successively one after the other in clarifying the causes
behind the breaking apart of the family, the causes of
divorce, and the causes behind the outbreak of
problems between the spouses. Scholars and experts
have also clarified the reasons behind familial cohesion
and solidarity and the lasting of love, unity, and the great

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values that the Muslim family holds onto to protect its
cohesion and ward off the causes of collapse and
disunity. And we will not be coming across a lot of these
affairs, for Allah —glorified and exalted be He—
facilitated an earlier conference entitled “The familial
life, between reality and expectation”, and so perhaps
there is something of benefit in it for the one who looks
into it in regards to the clarification of the reasons
behind familial problems, and I mentioned in that ten
reasons, which other reasons branch off from.

In this meeting, I will mention some principles

concerning familial stability, and we will go into some
brief detail in the explanation of these sentences, and
from Allah —glorified and exalted be He— alone we ask
for aid and tawfeeq.

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 1. The First principle: Istiqamah (Steadfastness)
upon the commands of Allah —glorified and exalted
be He— is the reason for every happiness.

Allah —glorified and exalted be He— clarified in His

book the condition of His believing servants, so He —
glorified and exalted be He— said: “Verily, those who say:
"Our Lord is Allah (Alone)," and then they stand firm, on
them the angels will descend (at the time of their death)
(saying): "Fear not, nor grieve! But receive the glad
tidings of Paradise which you have been promised!”.
[41:30]

Those whom Allah —glorified and exalted be He—

mentioned their attributes [in the aforementioned verse]
and their speech, which is their statement: “‘Our Lord is
Allah alone’ then they remain steadfast”: they remain
steadfast upon Eeman (faith), remain steadfast upon
fulfilling the commands and staying away from the
prohibitions, and remain steadfast upon all of the
religion as the people of knowledge have said regarding
the meaning of Istiqamah (steadfastness).

And so what is Istiqamah? It is following the speech of

Allah —glorified and exalted be He—, and the speech of
the Prophet ‫ﷺ‬, while adorning one’s self with the noble
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Islamic mannerisms of which the encouragement of has
come in the book of Allah —glorified and exalted be He
— and the Sunnah of the Prophet ‫ﷺ‬, because if a
person was to oppose this guidance, then verily he
would be a follower of his desires, [as Allah has said in
the verse]: “But if they answer you not (i.e. do not bring
the Book nor believe in your doctrine of Islamic
Monotheism), then know that they only follow their own
lusts. And who is more astray than one who follows his
own lusts, without guidance from Allah? Verily, Allah
guides not the people who are Zalimun (wrongdoers,
disobedient to Allah, and polytheists)”. [28:50]

And so Allah commanded us with Istiqamah, and for

that we supplicate to Him in every recitation of Surat Al-
Fatiha (the opening chapter of the Qur’an) by our saying:
“Guide us to the Straight Way”. [1:6]

And Allah —glorified and exalted be He— ordered us

with this tremendous commandment, which is the
commandment of Istiqamah, He said: “So stand (ask
Allah to make) you (Muhammad SAW) firm and straight
(on the religion of Islamic Monotheism) as you are
commanded and those (your companions) who turn in
repentance (to Allah) with you”. [11:112]. He said: “And
verily, this (i.e. Allah’s Commandments mentioned in the
above two Verses 151 and 152) is my Straight Path, so

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follow it, and follow not (other) paths, for they will
separate you away from His Path. This He has ordained
for you that you may become Al-Muttaqoon (the pious)”.
[6:153]

Al-Istiqamah: what is its relationship to the familial life?

And why is it a means from the means of happiness?

No two people differ over [the fact that] obedience to

Allah —glorified and exalted be He— is the means to all
happiness, and that steadfastness upon His commands
and the commands of His Messenger ‫ ﷺ‬is the means
for guidance and that which distances one from mental
and social problems and other than that. That is why if a
house was built upon the affair of steadfastness upon
the religion of Allah —glorified and exalted be He—, and
the two spouses strove from the very first day for its
foundation to be upon the commandment of Allah —
glorified and exalted be He— and the commandment of
the Prophet ‫ﷺ‬, moved with their house away from sins,
violations, evil deeds, and semblances of disobedience,
strove to make it an ideal Muslim household throughout
which the verses of Allah —glorified and exalted be He—
are recited, and its inhabitants stand steadfast upon the
obedience of Allah and the obedience of the Prophet
‫ﷺ‬, carrying out the obligations and staying far away
from prohibitions, then there is no doubt that Shaytaan

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(devil) will be the furthest away from a house of this kind.
However, the house in which the aspects of
steadfastness weaken, and it becomes a center for evil
deeds and a place of religious violations, then no doubt,
the whisperings of Shaytaan and the desires of the self
will be prevalent in accordance to the distance of its
inhabitants from steadfastness upon the commandment
of Allah and the commandment of the Prophet ‫ﷺ‬.
And so, from the greatest blessings that Allah —
glorified and exalted be He— bestows upon a person:
that He grants him steadfastness upon the
commandment of Allah —glorified and exalted be He—,
the commandment of Tawheed (Monotheism), Eeman
(Faith), and obedience, and the affair Ittiba’ (following the
Messenger ‫)ﷺ‬. That is why the People of knowledge
said: “The greatest honor [that Allah —glorified and
exalted be He— gives a person] is constant
steadfastness”.

The greatest of what Allah bestows upon His slave of

Karamaat (miracles) is that he remains constantly
steadfast.
This does not mean that a person doesn’t make
mistakes, doesn’t slip, doesn’t fall into sins and acts of
disobedience, rather, a believer is one who always
returns to his Lord —glorified and exalted be He—, turns
to Him in repentance if he slips, makes a mistake, or

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heedlessness, forgetfulness, or negligence occurs from
him—he races towards repentance. Thus, this house
becomes a house established upon the obedience of
Allah —glorified and exalted be He—, and compliant to
the commandment of Allah —glorified and exalted be
He—.

These houses that don’t have acts of disobedience in

them, the Angels are present in them, and the
Shayateen (devils) flee from them. Therefore, it is
mentioned in the hadith: “Angels do not enter a house
which has either a dog or a picture in it”. [Bukhari, 3322],
because having a dog is impermissible, except in the
cases in which the Shari’ah (Islamic legislations) has
made an exception, and it is from the acts of
disobedience.
Similarly, it is upon a person to purify his house from
every filth and every unpleasant matter, because this
aids a slave [of Allah] upon his tranquility, his
righteousness, and the righteousness of all those in the
household.

A man came to the Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬and said, "O Messenger

of Allah, tell me something of Islam which I will not ask
anyone else about it", He ‫ ﷺ‬said, "Say, 'I believe in Allah'
and then be steadfast". [Muslim, 38]

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 Let us ponder upon the saying of Allah —glorified and
exalted be He—: “And whoever holds firmly to Allah, (i.e.
practically follows Islam—Allah’s Religion, and obeys all
that Allah has ordered), then he is indeed guided to a
Right Path. [3:101].
A tremendous verse [it is]! “And whoever holds firmly to
Allah”, i.e. entrusts his affair to Allah —glorified and
exalted be He—, holds firm to His legislations, and
embraces his religion, then [about him] Allah [has] said:
“Then he is indeed guided to a Right Path”.
This guidance is the guidance of Tawfeeq (success),
which is from Allah —glorified and exalted be He, alone
He is, without any partners—, and from the great favors
Allah confers upon a person is [the favor of] guidance,
and therefore Allah —glorified and exalted be He—
addressed His Prophet ‫[ ﷺ‬and said]: “Say (O
Muhammad): "Truly, my Lord has guided me to a Straight
Path, a right religion, the religion of Ibrahim (Abraham),
Hanifa [i.e. the true Islamic Monotheism—to believe in
One God (Allah i.e. to worship none but Allah, Alone)]
and he was not of Al-Mushrikun ". [6:161]

And so, the stability of the Family, its happiness, and

the righteousness of its affairs lies in clinging to its
Religion. Corruption in one’s religion, being far-off from
the Shari’ah (Islamic legislations), opposition to the

10
guidance of the Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬is [all] from the causes of
weakness, instability, and falling apart [of the family].

And for that reason, it’s not befitting that people always
look towards the materialistic causes, [rather] they
should review their relationship with Allah —glorified and
exalted be He—, His religion, the Sunnah of His Prophet
‫ﷺ‬, the affair of Prayer, Qur’an, and their conditions when
it comes to violations and sins so that they become
aware of the real causes that lead to instability,
disagreements, and the disaffection that occurs
suddenly between members of the family, whether
between spouses, brothers, or other than them.

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 2. The Second Principle: Knowing the rights and
obligations between the spouses is a tremendous
means to happiness.

If a person fulfilled that which is upon him of

obligations and took that which is for him of rights
without transgression or injustice, then no doubt that
this is from the tremendous means to happiness in the
family, rather in the entire society as a whole—but our
speech here is regarding the family and its stability.

There are obligations upon the husband and

obligations upon the wife; there are rights the husband
has, and there are rights the wife has, which if the two
spouses held onto [and fulfilled] would be from the
greatest means through which their lives stabilize. And
the fulfilling of obligations and taking of rights is —first
and foremost— a way for seeking nearness to Allah —
glorified and exalted be He—; A woman fulfills the
obligation that is upon her and does not try to evade or
free herself from this obligation. The husband, likewise,
knows what is upon him of obligations towards his wife
[and] towards his children regarding the affair of
expenditure, housing, clothing... He knows what is upon
him regarding the manner in how he lives with his wife,
and he, likewise, strives not to evade these obligations.
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 And here is an important affair: Some men and women
go to some Muftis (deliverer of formal legal opinions in
religion), and they ask this Mufti a question structured
according to what they desire as an answer, so the Mufti
gives them an answer based on what he heard from
them—they may have hidden a lot of facts and
information during that. [But] the answer of a Mufti —as
is known— does not make that which is haram
(Prohibited) halal (Permissible), nor does it make that
which is halal haram, and so they should not be happy
that this is the answer of the Mufti, or that they have
sought a fatwa (formal legal opinion) in this issue while
they know deep down that they concealed a lot of facts
and information. Hence, the affair here is being mindful
of Allah’s —glorified and exalted be He— watch over you.
Fulfill that which is upon you of obligations and strive
and be diligent regarding taking your rights, while being
lenient, pardoning, and forgiving if the other person falls
short [regarding their obligations], and this is what
speech about will follow with the permission of Allah.

And so, from the greatest means of non-stability in the

family is ignorance of the obligations and rights!

If a person is ignorant of the obligations that are upon

him, then no doubt this will lead to disruption, splitting

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apart, and disaffection. Many husbands complain about
not having his rights given to him; the wives complain
about the husband not fulfilling that which is obligatory
upon him towards his children, his wife, his family, the
affair of expenditure, or other than that. You, when you
fulfill the obligation upon you, you are firstly seeking
through it nearness to Allah, who said in the Qudsi
Hadith: “And the most beloved things with which My
slave comes nearer to Me is what I have enjoined upon
him”. [Bukhari, 6502]

These obligatory affairs are required, therefore, the

scholars have said —and the benefit that can be derived
from this hadith is—: that fulfilling obligations is the most
beloved of actions to Allah. And from the greatest of
obligations also is: abandoning evil deeds and violations,
and from the evil deeds is: not fulfilling the obligations.
For verily, not fulfilling obligations is haram (Prohibited), it
is an act of disobedience because Allah obligated upon
His slaves the abandonment of evil deeds and the
fulfilling of obligations. Hence, it has been narrated from
Umar —may Allah be pleased with him and please him—
that he said: “The best of actions is fulfilling what Allah
has obligated, and cautiously safeguarding oneself from
what Allah has made forbidden, and having a good
intention regarding that which is with Allah”

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 3. The Third Principle, and it is related to the start
and formation of the familial life: Making a good
selection (of the spouse) is a means for continuation.

A good selection is a matter of utmost importance,

hence it has been mentioned in the hadith: "A woman is
married for four (things), i.e. for her wealth, her family
status, her beauty, and her religion, so choose the one
who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust
(prosper)”. [Bukhari, 5090]

The Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬said: "The world is but a (quick passing)

enjoyment, and the best enjoyment of the world is a
pious and virtuous woman”. [Muslim, 1469]

He ‫ ﷺ‬said in his advice to the women: "If there comes

to you one with whose character and religious
commitment you are pleased, then marry (your
daughter or female relative under your care) to him, for if
you do not do that there will be Fitnah in the land and
widespread corruption." [At-Tirmidhi, 1967]
And a righteous woman is from the happiness [of a
person]; it has come in the hadith: ”And from happiness
is: a righteous women, you see her and she pleases you,
and if you are absent from her you trust her in regards to
herself and your wealth”.

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 The Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬said: "Marry women who are beloved
(due to their good characteristics), prolific in bearing
children, for I shall outnumber the Prophets by you on
the Day of Resurrection". [Abu Dawud, 2050]

He ‫ ﷺ‬said: “Let one of you take a grateful heart, and a

tongue that remembers (Allah), and a believing wife that
aides one of you in the affair of the Hereafter”.

This is how a family should be built. The greatest affair

the two spouses pay attention to before their selection
is: the affair of religion, Al-Istiqamah (steadfastness), and
Al-Akhlaaq (good character), and here will be the
beginning of the establishment with a correct
foundation. That is why if a person wanted to enter into a
business, [he chooses his partner with utmost caution
and importance], and perhaps this business will not last
and he might remain with his companion 5,6, 10, or 20
years only, [whilst on the other hand] the familial life is
normally a life that is meant to be permanent, long-
lasting and stable, and add to it that which results from it
of children and tremendous responsibilities. Hence, a
husband’s selection of his wife and a wife’s selection of
her husband should be severer than the choosing of a
partner for his [business] partner.

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 But here are some important matters, from amongst
them is what some people seek of characteristics that
hardly exist except in Hoor al’yeen (Women of Jannah);
excessiveness in stipulations, and similarly women being
excessive in her stipulations. If Allah —glorified and
exalted be He— gave you tawfeeq towards [marrying] a
religious woman, along with what pleases you of her
beauty, then this a desired affair, and perhaps when you
abandoned many criteria that the people concerned
with the worldly life give importance to, Allah —glorified
and exalted be He— blessed you in your wife, and
similarly the woman, Allah blessed you in your husband.
And so, we look into what is the correct criteria in
choosing [a spouse], because this is from the greatest
means to having a long-lasting, stable relationship, and
that which will be an aid upon the obedience of Allah —
glorified and exalted be He—, and along with
cooperation between the spouses in virtue,
righteousness, and piety.

For if the woman was diligent in protecting herself

(chastity), the affair of her prayers, her fasting, and she
does not let go of the Book of her Lord —glorified and
exalted be He—, then she is from the best of women. It’s
not mandatory that she has memorized mutoon (Islamic
books) and read from lengthy detailed books and

17
suchlike, rather [it is enough that] she safeguards
herself, her religion, her husband, and takes care of his
affairs, his wealth, and his house, for no doubt that this
from the greatest affairs sought in a woman.

Similarly [when it comes to] the husband, a woman

chooses a husband that is a person of Religion and
good character, [as has been mentioned in the hadith]: ”If
there comes to you one with whose character and
religious commitment you are pleased with...”.

And how many familial relationships were built upon

mere beauty, or wealth, or by looking at rank and status
but resulted in failure, for these are not the correct
criteria [for selection], and if the woman entrusts her
affair to Allah —glorified and exalted be He—, and if the
husband, similarly, follows the command of Allah —
glorified and exalted be He— and follows the command
of the Prophet ‫ﷺ‬, they will be blessed in their life.

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 4. The Fourth Principle: The accumulation of
problems is a reason for weakness or separation.

An initiative must be taken to end the presence of any

problem within the family life before it builds up and the
wife or the husband has several issues, piled on top of
one another, to the point that it becomes difficult after
that to mend this breach or patch it.

Being accustomed to conversational sittings amongst

spouses; and I say ‘accustomed’ because a lot of issues
need to become a norm in our lives: good conversation,
good understanding, speaking softly... Conversational
sittings amongst spouses are from the greatest of
means to having a continuing, long-lasting familial life
and stability, and from the greatest of means to lasting
affection, dealing with things in a good way, and living
with the spouse honorably, all of which is a sought-after
and desired matter in our Shari’ah.
Fleeing from mending the disagreements and fleeing
from rectifying the mistakes is a reason for them to add
up eventually, and it could lead to at the end of the
journey, if not an actual divorce, then at the very least an
emotional divorce, a psychological separation, and/or
disaffection.

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 Something of waiving off of things between the
spouses to repel this disagreement [is necessary, and
similarly is] something of having good thoughts [about
each other], something of overlooking and feigning
inattention —as will be discussed later—, being
accustomed to pardoning and forgiving, especially
when the other person apologizes or presents an
excuse...etc. Beware of insisting upon your stance as a
husband against his wife, while she presents to you an
apology. And you as a wife, beware of taking a strong
rigid stance that prevents water to return to its normal
course —as they say— while your husband has put
forward an apology.

However, here I draw attention to the fact that it is from

the rights of the wife that her husband apologizes if he
makes a mistake, and similarly, it is from the rights of the
husband that the wife apologizes if she makes a
mistake. But it is not befitting that the wife makes the
situation difficult upon the husband by seeking from him
a straightforward apology, the result of which the
husband perhaps finds himself that he is in a humiliating
situation; a lot of husbands do not accept this, and it’s
upon the wife that she accepts even if a simple apology.
And it has come in a narration from some of the Salaf

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(pious predecessors): “The believers are those who
excuse others, they accept excuses”.
So if he makes a mistake and then approaches you
with a smiling and cheerful face, while he tries to return
things to the beautiful state they were in, then it’s not
befitting for you to clash with this affair by not accepting
the return of anything unless it is accompanied with a
straightforward apology. Similarly, the husband should
be forgiving and kind, and greatly appreciative of his
wife if she apologizes, even if indirectly, and he should
accept that.

In a lot of family problems, in reality, I found that the

origin of the dispute was the intense love between the
spouses and not intense hatred. Rather, out of intense
love, a wife might not deal well with her husband, and
out of the love a husband has for his wife, perhaps at
times, he does not handle things with her in a good
manner. Thus, starts a dispute, and how odd is this
dispute, the reason behind which was love but then lead
to separation! So, it’s a must that there be good
communication, in which good manners are exercised,
and becoming accustomed to doing that.

Spouses should not cut off communication between

themselves, for we see in our reality that there is a kind
of disaffection that occurs between some of the

21
husbands with their wives, and it leads to disaffection for
years until the relationship between them is almost
disconnected except for a word and its reply. And no
doubt that this condition is miserable: [they’re] under one
roof and in the same house, but there is disaffection
such that neither of them can look at the face of the
other or sit with them.

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 5. The Fifth Principle: Patience between the
spouses is a necessary affair, and there is no doing
without it for both of them.

And this is a continuation of the aforementioned

matters; The woman exercises patience, and the
husband [too] exercises patience, especially when there
is that which entails patience. Some women perhaps
complain of lack of expenditure, however, if we look at
the husband, we would find that he did that which is
within capability under his circumstances, so she should
not burden him with that which is beyond that. Similarly,
the husband: he looks to the condition of the wife, her
changing conditions, her circumstances, her mental
conditions, he takes into consideration these things, he
is patient.

Allah —glorified and exalted be He— said: “but give

glad tidings to As-Sabirun (the patient)”. [2:155]. He said:
“Only those who are patient shall receive their rewards in
full, without reckoning”. [39:10]. The Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬said:
“And there is no gift better and vast (you may be given)
than patience”. [Bukhari, 6470]. The wife is patient with
her husband and the husband is patient with his wife,
such that the living between them lasts.

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 6. The Sixth Principle: Overlooking mistakes is a
means of having a long-lasting family life.

At-Taghafal (overlooking mistakes) is a beneficial

manner, a great characteristic, and it is not practiced
except by people of firm understanding and intellect.
And tracking —tracing stumbles— is a destroyer of
familial life, [as is] stopping at every single slip, not
overlooking, not turning a blind eye, etc...

Imam Ahmad -may Allah have mercy upon him- says:

“Nine-tenths of goodness lies in overlooking [disliked
affairs]”.

This overlooking does not indicate the husband’s

weakness, nor the wife’s weakness, it does not indicate
that he is unaware, nor that he is not alert, rather it is an
indication of the perfection of his character, and the
perfection of her character; it indicates wisdom and
intelligence. It has been narrated from some of the Salaf
(pious predecessors): “The mind is a scale the third of
which is intelligence, and two-thirds are overlooking
[disliked affairs]”.
There must be something of overlooking, therefore, it
has been narrated from Imam Ash-Shafiee —may Allah
have mercy upon him— that he said: “The shrewd

24
intelligent person is one who is sharp but inattentive”. i.e.
the one who intentionally overlooks, not the slow-witted.
Slow wittedness is a blameworthy characteristic; [he is]
the one who does not comprehend things, does not
understand them, important affairs go beyond him. As
for the who is [tactfully] inattentive, then he is one who
has knowledge of the affairs, but he [intentionally] looks
away from them, as has been said:

“The dumb person is not a master of his people,

Rather, the master of a people is the one who acts
dumb (unaware)” i.e. the [tactfully] inattentive.

And so, if the two spouses overlook some

imperfections and some simple issues that are possible
to overlook, then there is a long-lasting marital life
between them. However, if one of them looks at the
mistake of their partner with an accurate spyglass, they
see the particle of dirt in the other person’s eyes, while
they have of their own mistakes and their errors that
they don’t see them, then this is a calamity. Overlook and
get past [the errors], for in overlooking [mistakes] lies
everlasting love; everlasting love between spouses,
between partners, between friends, between neighbors,
etc…. there must be something of overlooking and
patience.

25
 7. The Seventh Principle: Martial secrets are not
material for broadcasting and spreading.

It comes in the hadith of Abu Sa’eed -May Allah be

pleased with him-: Allah's Messenger ‫ ﷺ‬said: "The worst
of people in position before Allah on the Day of
Resurrection is the man who has intercourse with his
wife, and she with him, and then spreads her secrets".
[Muslim, 1437]. This hadith indicates the prohibition of a
man spreading that which occurs between him and his
wife from the intimate marital affairs, describing the
details of it, and that which comes about from the wife in
it of statements, actions, or suchlike, as has been
mentioned by Imam An-Nawawi and other than him
from the people of knowledge.

This hadith is clear in this matter, however, it is also not

permissible for a woman that she mentions something
of the flaws of her husband to people of which there is
no legislated justification for mentioning, and this is from
backbiting. Therefore, the Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬said: "Do you know
what is backbiting?" The Companions said: "Allah and His
Messenger know best." Thereupon he said, "Backbiting is
talking about your (Muslim) brother in a manner which
he dislikes." It was said to him: "What if my (Muslim)
brother is as I say." He said, "If he is actually as you say,

26
then that is backbiting him; but if that is not in him, then
it is slandering him". [Muslim, 2589]

For the bond between the two spouses is a strong and

firm bond and the familial life is a life that requires
safekeeping and maintenance, and so when the
husband starts spreading the flaws of his wife amongst
people —and likewise the wife—, then it becomes a
demolition of the [family] structure and exposure of the
familial life to deterioration and weakness.

If it has come in the hadith: "If a man spoke something

then turned and looked around, then it is a trust". [At-
Tirmidhi, 1959]; If he only looks to the right or the left,
then it is a trust, i.e. it is not permissible for a person to
inform of that, then how about that which happens
between the two spouses? This is an important affair. It is
not permissible for a wife to mention that which occurs
between her and her husband except in certain
instances such as an important matter where a
legislated reason is found from the likes of seeking a
religious verdict, consultation, complaining of
oppression in a court, or the likes of such issues.
Otherwise, the fundamental principle is that familial lives
are safeguarded and protected and that secrets are not
spread.

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 8. The Eighth Principle: There is no one method for
love and displaying it amongst the spouses.

What is the meaning of this affair? Some women seek

a continuous display of love and affection from their
husband in every circumstance, without [showing]
consideration for his state: whether he is pleased, angry,
happy, hungry, or disturbed. Or, similarly, the husband
wants of his wife that she always displays love and
affection for him and that this affair is a continuous,
ceaseless one, and that [simply] is not possible. For the
man or the woman face something of grief, distress,
anxiety, constriction, tiredness, and hardship, and this is
the condition of this Dunya (worldly life), “It is the abode
of grief, anxiety, and exhaustion”, and its attributes —
attributes of this world— is that it has difficulties,
sadness, constriction, and that a person rotates in it
between happiness and sadness, and pleasure and
grief.

“It was created upon distress and trouble and you

desire that it be free from filth and distress”.
Some —merely due to an occurrence of a problem or
dispute— say: “I don’t love her”, or she —merely due to
an act of mistreatment— says: “Love for him has been
cut off from my heart”. Rather, there should be

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something of unhurriedness, pondering over and
reflecting, and patience.

It is narrated that a man intended to divorce his wife,

and so he came to Umar —may Allah be pleased with
him—. Umar asked, “why are you divorcing her?” The
man said “I don’t love her”, Umar said “Is it that all houses
are built upon love? And where is looking after one
another and avoiding dispraise?” i.e. where is the care,
patience, and being considerate of each other? And
avoiding dispraise means where is the fear that you
might be the reason behind breaking apart the family
and suchlike?

Allah —glorified and exalted be He— said: "And among

His Signs is that He created for you wives from among
yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He
has put between you affection and mercy." [30:21]. He —
glorified and exalted be He— said in advice to husbands:
“And live with them honorably” [4:19]. [And regarding this
verse] the people of knowledge said: The husband lives
with his wife honorably, such that he exercises beautiful
companionship, refrains from harming her, extends
goodness towards her, and treats her in a good manner,
which includes expenditure, clothing, and other things.

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 And we ponder upon the statement of Allah —glorified
and exalted be He—: “And live with them honorably. If
you dislike them...”. Ponder upon this verse O husbands
and wives, He said: “If you dislike them...”, the dislike has
occurred, and not just the absence of love. He said: “If
you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing
through which Allah brings a great deal of good.”. i.e.
cling on to your wives, even if there is dislike, because
perhaps in that is good.

Merely the existence of some problems, which could

weaken this love, leads to separation? This is what
Shaytaan wants, and this is the greatest thing that the
Shaytaan is pleased with after Shirk (associating
partners with Allah), as has been mentioned in the
hadith that the one who caused division between a
husband and wife, Shaytaan brings him near to himself
and says “What a fine fellow you are” (You have done
well).

However, with all bluntness I say here: A lot of

suffering, especially from the wives when they suffer
from their husbands, and specifically in this issue of
displaying love and affection is because in her
imagination, she has made the criteria that which she
has seen in television shows or other than that from the

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calamities she has watched, and so, she made these
specific criteria an indication of love.
And so, these criteria are in reality a psychological war
on families. When a family abandons following the
command of Allah —glorified and exalted be He—, the
command of the Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬and his life, they abandon
patience, anticipating reward [from Allah], pardoning,
and forgiving, and the husband makes the criteria of his
wife’s love for him what he has seen, or she makes the
criteria of her husband’s love for her what she has seen
in the likes of these television programs and suchlike,
then no doubt, this will demolish the family.

It may be that the love is by a bit of affection, a bit of

kindness, a bit of care and concern, etc, and a lot of
houses —all Praise is for Allah— contain love, and they
have in them affection and kindness, and so, we are not
in need of imitating these categories of people [on
television], or of making them role models for us, while
they are in greater need of rectifying their conditions
and straightening their affairs.

This effect is a dangerous, psychological effect; it has

affected families, affected the affairs concerning the
continuation of familial life, and led to divorce, rather led
to cases of betrayal.

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 9. The Ninth Principle: Pardoning when able is a
means to repel disputes and the continuation of
familial cohesiveness.

Allah —glorified and exalted be He— made pardoning

desirous, He said: “But whoever forgives and makes
reconciliation, his reward is with Allah.” [42:40]. He —
glorified and Exalted be He— said: “And march forth in
the way (which leads) to forgiveness from your Lord, and
for Paradise as wide as the heavens and the earth,
prepared for Al-Muttaqun. Those who spend (in Allah’s
Cause) in prosperity and in adversity, who repress anger,
and who pardon men; verily, Allah loves Al-Muhsinun
(the good-doers)”. [3:133,134). And our Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬said:
“And Allah will not increase the servant for [his]
pardoning except honor”. [Muslim, 2588]

The best people you can pardon are those who are in
your own home; the best people a man pardons are
those who are closest to him, his wife, and his children.
And likewise, the best person a wife pardons is her
husband, even if he has made a mistake, forgot, or
became inattentive. He makes a mistake, and he
intentionally made that mistake, then he realized his
mistake. And so pardoning occurs because pardoning
has in it that which makes the love lasting; in it is

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stability, in it is harmony and union, and it is that which
actualizes the great objectives of familial life.

Allah —glorified and exalted be He— said: “Let them

pardon and forgive. Do you not love that Allah should
forgive you? And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful”
[24:22]. He said: “Repel (the evil) with one which is better
(i.e. Allah orders the faithful believers to be patient at the
time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them
badly)”, not just a simple dispute, rather enmity. But if
you race towards beautiful speech, He said: “..then verily
he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will
become) as though he was a close friend.” [41:34]
Thus, in the pardoning of your wife, or the pardoning of
the wife for her husband, is the overpowering of the
Shaytaan and its defeat. Because the Shaytaan is
pleased with agitation between the Muslims and has
given up hope that the worshippers will worship him, so
he tries to sow discord between them.
So, if a dispute occurs, the one who is at fault should
race towards apologizing, and the other party should
receive him with acceptance of the apology and
pardoning, without extending the size of the dispute
until the size of the wound becomes more than the size
of the bandage. A rational person does not do this, nor is
he is pleased with it.

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 10. The Tenth and Final Principle: It is his saying ‫ﷺ‬,
“The best of you are those who are best to their
family, and I am the best to my family”.

This is a tremendous principle. ‘Those who are best to

their family’, i.e. if a person has something of
benevolence, virtue, or honoring, then the greatest
whom he can honor is his family, his wife, his mother, he
honors his father, he honors his children... These are his
family, he is good with them, he spends on them; they
are more befitting and better to spend on than other
than them, and this goes for the husband and the wife.

The greatest person you can display love and affection

to, give beautiful speech and a beautiful appearance to
is the husband. And the greatest person you can honor,
smile to and laugh with, gift a beautiful character, and
exert yourself to deal in goodness with is the mother of
your children, your wife.
“The best of you are those who are best to their
family…” [At-Tirmidhi, 3895]. The Prophet ‫ ﷺ‬explained
this further and said: “And I am the best to my family”.
Therefore, if we were to look at the biography of the
Prophet ‫ﷺ‬, and into his dealing with his wives, into his
kindness, his playful races with them, his living good

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with them, then indeed, we would find in it the most
amazing of affairs.

However, many of the wives (today) complain about

the husband: that he is not even close to giving her
anything from the rights: not from her personal rights or
the rights of spending, and not from affairs of the
household or the affairs of the children. And the
husband likewise, perhaps he complains about her
being busy, so she gives to other than him from
importance, care and concern, and looking after that
which he does not find.

The stability of family life is the stability of society, it is

the stability of countries, and before all of that, it is
carrying out the commands of the Shari’ah.

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 And with these points, we have provided some of that
which could be said are means or general principles to
the stability of families. And whoever examines the
Shari’ah, ponders upon the Prophetic narrations, and
looks into his biography ‫ ﷺ‬with his wives will find plenty
of that and many [other] tremendous means to family
stability.

I ask Allah —glorified and exalted be He— that we are

from those who hear the speech and follow the best of
it, and to provide us with good character, and to divert
from us lowly character, and to give us success to
righteous statements and actions. And may Allah send
peace and blessings upon our Prophet Muhammad, and
his family, and his companions.

And the end of our supplication is that All Praise is for

Allah, the Lord of all that exists.

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