A J2 story with the guest appearance of Anderson Cooper

With a wide smile Jeff shakes hands with the director and the crew alike, also all the
supporting actors, saving the best for last: his two sons, Jared and Jensen. Jeff was
beyond ecstatic when they called him for the season five finale. He’s heard about the
possibility of another season though he barely cares about that. It doesn’t matter if
they’ll involve him again or not but he’s promised he’ll always be available every time
they need him for the series.

“Jeff,” Jared wraps him in his long arms. “You don’t stay for the wrap-up party?”

Another smile from Jeff. The party. Of course he’ll come. That’s one of the things he
likes most about making movies. The mixed emotions, the chances to talk and drink
and stay until late at night without worrying about the next day’s filming, Jeff will never
skip them.

“Count me in, Jared. It’s gonna be tomorrow night, right?”

“Yup.”

Jeff lets go of Jared to turn to Jensen who’s standing slightly behind his co-actor. Jeff
lifts his eyebrows. Jensen is – to say the least – looking tired and forlorn. Jeff’s smile
falters. He knows Jensen and he is used to the man’s being quiet outside his Dean role
but Jeff understands this might be about something else.

Jeff has learned about Jared’s wedding the previous month – somewhat wondering
about the absence of invitation for him but simply letting it go – and thinks if it has
anything to do with Jensen’s behavior. Jeff never knows the nature of the relationship
between Jared and Jensen – he doesn’t want to start contemplating about it – yet
everyone can clearly see that Jensen never smiles his wrinkles-on-the-corners-of-his-
eyes smile again. Dark clouds seem to be hanging upon his face lately and he rations his
words to Jared.

Not wanting to make things even more awkward, though, Jeff tousles Jensen’s hair. The
man yelps a bit, pulling back.

“How about you?”

“What?” Jensen asks, tilting up a bit to meet his eyes.

“You gonna come to the party?”

Jensen shrugs. “That depends.”

Jeff feels Jared stiffen beside him. “On?”

“Whether you come or not.”

They all break into laugh.

“Okay.” Jeff hugs Jensen, giving him a fleeting squeeze before letting him go. “I’ll call
you.”

Jensen’s eyes widen, uncomprehending, but he finally nods when Jeff gives him a
pointed look of We need to talk.

2
“Okay, whatever.”

“Good.”

They’ve been very close before, him and Jensen. He hopes Jensen will be able to open up
and tell him whatever it is that bothers his mind. Jeff hates to see any of his boys seem
miserable like that.

~~~

3
Jared doesn’t like it. The way Jeff looked at Jensen or ruffled his hair, or what he said to
him. But what more he doesn’t like is how Jensen looks.

He hasn’t been aware of it. Jensen has been all smiles, jokes, and hugs in the wedding,
but now Jared feels like he must have been imagining all of them. Jensen looks totally
worn-out, depressed, dark shadows hanging under his eyes, and if Jared remembers
correctly, Jensen has not been too chatty to him ever since they arrived in Vancouver. In
fact, the only thing Jared can recall is Jensen asking if he needed to go get a room in a
hotel. Wherever that came from?

“You, uh, are married now.”

“So?”

“It’s her house, she might want—”

“Well, do you see her anywhere here?”

Jensen has said nothing and turned away.

Now Jared is wondering if the way Jensen has been acting has anything to do with the
whole hotel thing.

“Jensen, wait,” Jared takes Jensen’s arm and spins him around, after Jeff walks away.
“We need to talk.”

“No.” Jensen shrugs him off. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

~~~

4
Jared is wasted. The wrap-up party has been more than entertaining. Actors and crew
came and had fun. He saw Jeff there, they cracked jokes, and talked a lot about things,
especially Jeff’s new gig. Jared also saw Jensen but – nothing. No jokes, no words.
Jensen mostly steered clear of Jared’s way like he was some kind of a leper. Jared tried
not to think about it too much, trying to enjoy his time instead.

But after the party was over, Jensen was nowhere to be seen when Jared wanted to ask
him if he would like to go home together. Clif was there still but to Jared’s dismay, the
man had no idea where Jensen had gone.

The phone rings when Jared arrives at home. He answers it at the third ring, absently
picking up a chunk of paper lying beside the phone, and reading what’s written on it,
his heart skips a beat.

Sorry. Has to catch the flight earlier.

JA

There is no mention about the destination. Nothing about whether Jensen will call or
when they can meet. Jared can’t believe he won’t see Jensen until the long hiatus is
over. His knees suddenly weaken and he slumps to the couch.

He hears someone calling his name on the phone and it sounds like Jeff. But Jared is
too dazed to respond.

~~~

5
The plane's landing safely and smoothly. Jensen gathers his belonging, a single sporty
backpack, and slips on his shades before following the line of other passengers getting
down the plane. He's spending a night here in LA, then he's going to drive up north to
meet Chris. Jensen has agreed to join one of his gigs, singing one or two songs. This is
unplanned. Jensen was really grateful when he called his friend the other day. Chris has
said yes at once, no questions asked; he even offered to pick Jensen up in LA.

Along the corridor in the terminal, Jensen moves as though he were floating. He stifles
his mind, stopping himself from thinking about... Stopping himself from thinking,
period. He's got things to do. The jamming gig, the convention at the weekend, series of
interviews for Red Hood, then he's flying to Fort Worth to do some coaching clinics for
kids from several drama clubs across the state. He'll think of something else to do if
there's still some time left before the filming of Season 6 begins.

A shriek calling out his name pulls him back from his reverie. With a relieved huff, he
takes off his sunglasses. Only some boys and girls. Supernatural fans. Nobody he
should avoid.

Nobody that matters.

~~~

6
It doesn't make sense, what Jeff's telling him. Jensen is brokenhearted – because of
him? And how come he wasn’t aware of this?

“I'm not saying I know it for sure, but think about it.”

“Jensen is into guys? Jeff, the man's engaged, for Christ's sake.”

Jeff smiles crookedly. “He is.”

“So?”

“So, why did he have to act the way he did if he feels nothing toward you? Avoiding you,
being all tight-lipped, and now hiding from you.”

Jared shifts uneasily on his seat in a booth of a bar in downtown LA, worry filling his
chest again. It's been his second day back here, where he thought he'd meet Jensen.
But he wasn’t home when Jared called and he wasn't again when Jared dropped by.
Jared knows they’re going to see each other during the weekend for the convention,
though, and he’s sure Jensen won’t bail out.

Jared takes a mouthful of his beer, gripping the bottle so tightly his knuckles go white.
He looks down, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

“What do I do now?” he asked, mostly to himself. He has married a girl he loves – he

thinks, but things might have been different had he found out about Jensen’s feeling
toward him earlier. Jeff is looking at him funny when he looks up again.

“What?”

“What do I do? Do you think there’s still anything you can do?”

Jared frowns. “Why are you asking me that, Jeff? Don't be so cruel.”

Jeff leans forward, his face merely inches from Jared’s. “I’m cruel? Let me tell you what’s
cruel. It’s giving false hope, touching him wherever and whenever you wanted, hugging
him in every opportunity you got.”

“Jeff, I didn’t know,” Jared says desperately.

“You’ve never thought why he let you do all those things? Has it ever crossed your mind
how awkward it might have been for him were he not gay? Jared, men don’t touch each
other that much.”

“I do.”

“You’re one weird puppy.”

Jared can’t help but snicker. “Jeff, I see him as my brother.”

Jeff huffs. “You have to learn to tell between fiction and reality, Jared.”

“Jensen said the same thing about us being like brothers.”

“He might not have said what he really thought. And Jared, back to your question, are
7
you forgetting something?”

“Am I?”

“You’re a married man now, Jay. You also never like a man. There’s only one thing you
can do about Jensen.”

“Jeff, I’ll do everything for him, I swear.” Inwardly, he wonders if Jeff is right – that he
never likes a man like that.

“You should forget him. If it’s true that Jensen’s been having a crush on you, just ignore
it. Pretend you never know. Just – forget him. He’s nothing but a mere co-actor to you.
It's enough that you hurt him last time. Don't you ever do that again."

If a lightning struck him at that very second, Jared could not be as shocked hearing
those words.

~~~

8
Until the last minute, Jensen was still considering backing off the convention in LA. But
the voice in his head kept reminding him to be reasonable and to act like a professional.
Apart from that, the last two days he spent with Chris, talking to him, opening up,
letting out everything he'd buried too long that was slowly killing him inside, had finally
cleared things up in his head and helped him see a lot that the world could offer him
beyond Jared. Talking it out also made Jensen able to accept one feeling that had
tormented him ever since he heard about Jared's engagement. He had been so
embarrassed at himself. A total shame over one single fact that Jared had never liked
him, not the way he did anyway. How could he have been so stupid? Jared had never
told him those three words. Everyone could hug and touch and mean nothing. And he
had been so blind. Jared did that to anyone. What could make him think there had been
something special, a hidden meaning, for him?

Well at least, now he could let go. There was nothing to be embarrassed about, Chris
had said, for that was absolutely normal to have those kinds of thoughts. Jensen just
needed to be more careful next time. And to guard his feelings more carefully, silently
he'd promised himself.

There's no reason for him to not join the event. Jensen feels much better now. He knows
he does. And when a halting voice calls his name, Jensen turns, and gives his biggest,
crinkles-at-the-corners-of-his-eyes smile.

“Jared!” he wraps his arms tightly around the other man’s shoulders. “What's up, man?”

~~~

9
Jared’s jaw drops.

Jensen was smiling.

Jensen was smiling at him.

And he hugged him, too, and Jared was this close to go sniffing at his sweet-smelling
cologne or lean heavily into the warmth of Jensen’s body.

Jensen smiling makes Jared happy, but soon afterward, sad. The man definitely didn’t
look troubled anymore so what Jared and Jeff have been worrying? Everything goes out
of the window. It’s not true that Jensen was bothered by Jared’s marriage. Jensen’s
dejection lately must have been because of something else.

And that – though he can’t tell the reason why – sends a stab through Jared’s heart
somehow.

Jared follows Jensen with his eyes when the man is walking away, and he sighs, looking
down, the ring around his finger on his left hand catches his sight. Slowly he strokes it
with his thumb. It doesn’t matter anymore. He can be married, or not, it counts for
nothing, for Jensen didn’t even care.

Just when Jared has begun to understand.

~~~

10
Jensen does as he has planned before. He leaves, taking the earliest flight he can get,
right after his panel in the convention is over, heading home for the clinics he’s
promised to give. He hugs his sister who picks him up in the airport, hugs his parents,
Josh, and anybody else he meets. Talks about his job, about the new season for
Supernatural, about the gathering he’s had with the fans. But he says nothing about
Jared, and to his relief, no one asks about him. It seems as if there were a silent pact
among those people. Jensen knows he can always rely on his family.

So they leave them alone and Jensen can concentrate on his job.

And a surprise comes to him. On the first day, his agent calls him saying that CNN
wants to cover his activity for a feature about programs all over the country that involve
and help young people reach out their dreams. Jensen’s agent also says that Anderson
Cooper will host the feature. For the first time in the past months, Jensen smiles.
Cooper is such a big name among the networks. Jensen can’t help but feel lucky to have
someone like him recognize his work.

Another one who is also happy is Kripke who gets to know this from Jensen himself.
Jensen just can’t help it. He needs to talk to someone. And as he clearly can’t talk to
Jared…

“Jensen, don’t forget to tell him about Supernatural.”

Jensen only laughs at Kripke’s nearly childish excitement over the news.

“It’ll be great if you can invite him up to Vancouver.”

“Eric,” Jensen tries to calm him down. “What is he covering Supernatural for? It’s not
like there should be an educational program on how to kill demons.”

“I don’t care. He can come up with anything he wants. The point is, J, you should make
him impressed with you.”

“You know what you sound like? You’re like trying to pimp me to him—” Jensen wishes
he could take the words back, but Eric doesn’t seem to catch his sudden silence.

“So, do you get it, Jensen? He’d better be smitten by you by the end of his visit to Dallas,
or else.”

“Eric, come on.”

With gleeful laugh, Kripke hangs up. Jensen only shakes his head as he clicks his cell
phone off.

~~~

11
Anderson stirs his coffee slowly. His eyes never leave the man sitting across from him.
Jensen, on the other hand, tries his best to keep looking away from Anderson. He turns
his gaze to his own cup or looks out the wide window of the café they are at. The closest
thing the man passes as making eye contacts will be the short, fleeting glances he
throws Anderson's way here and then.

Anderson smiles inwardly. It's true what they said about Jensen. He is such a private
person and keeps some distance from people he hasn't known too well. Not that he's
arrogant or snobbish. Quite the opposite, really, for what makes him seem a bit
reluctant to do interviews like this is because he should talk about himself. His
discomfort results in him giving impression as if he were nothing compared to other
actors. As if none of his work is worth mentioning.

Anderson finds it rather endearing – an actor who's uncomfortable to talk about himself.
He's seen how good Jensen is. He has watched some of the Supernatural episodes that
showcase Jensen's talent, and he’s seen the clips from Red Hood where the voice
director was gushing about Jensen. What more, Anderson saw for himself how patient
Jensen was when directing the kids for their little project at the end of the coaching
clinic they had in Fort Worth. Yet instead of talking about them all, Jensen prefers to
elaborate stories about his family, his colleagues in the set.

But not about his on-screen brother.

Anderson notices that not once has the name Jared slipped out of those lips. And yes,
Anderson does know what’s happened. He is a journalist and from a friend of a friend of
a friend, he found out how Jensen really is. Jensen swings the way he swings, and the
tale about a rigid, wretched bearing Jensen assumed during Jared’s wedding is not
merely a tale.

The man is well-known for the crinkles around his eyes when he truly laughs or smiles.
Well none of them makes any appearances so far.

And suddenly, Anderson wants to make it his job that Jensen will begin to smile again.

~~~

12
So, hiatus. For two months or so. And apart from guest starring in cons here in LA and
in Europe, which were already past anyway, and doing a couple of advertisements, there
is nothing else awaiting Jared. He can just fly home. His wife kissed him goodbye last
night for more shots for Flash Forward after all, but somehow the idea of home doesn't
appeal for him. For home means Texas and Texas means... Jensen.

And Jensen means tiny flutters in his heart, which deep inside he knows he should not
have. It is wrong to feel that way. It's just - wrong.

But two months of not seeing Jensen feels even more wrong.

The TV is on although Jared has no intention to see it. He is not too partial to watching
TV, and Jared didn't really pay any attention when turning it on or flipping through
channels. He just stopped somewhere. A laughing sound catches him off guard, though,
for it’s so familiar. Deep laugh, so uplifting, like music in his ears.

Gaping, Jared stills before his TV set. What is Jensen doing there? Jared is thinking at
least someone should have told him about it. Eric. Anybody.

Or even Jensen.

But Jared smacks himself inwardly. No, he cannot expect Jensen to tell him about
anything. Not anymore. He also has no right thinking that Jensen should not laugh with
the man or look at him that way: face downward, eyes peering through the lashes, a
hand rubbing over a timid smile – they all belong to Jared.

”He’s naughty like that, huh?”

“Seriously? He shouldn’t be allowed to touch anything. But that’s useless, really. He can
pull pranks however he wants to.”

For the second time Jared freezes. Is this for real? His heart contracts and his eyes feel
watery. Jensen did laugh, but it was about him. Jensen was talking about him.

And Jared feels like dancing.

~~~

13
Jensen catches himself before he can make a fool of himself even more. No more
rambling about Jared again, you idiot, he berates his useless self silently. Then trying to
put on a smile as guileless and innocent as he can, blinking his eyes, and straightening
up in his chair.

“So any vacation plan during your off time?” Anderson asks.

“Vacation?” Jensen laughs, shaking his head. “I'm beat, man. I need a rest and I mean
sleeping, perhaps one week straight.”

“Here, or you planning to go back to LA?”

“I still miss my folks. I'm staying here a bit longer.”

Anderson nods. “A beautiful place you have here. I don't mind looking around a bit.”

Jensen smiles widely. “You'll be welcomed here, Mr. Cooper—”

“It's Anderson, remember?”

“Okay. Right, Anderson. My mom adores you. She'll be thrilled to see you in person.”

“Is that an invitation?” Anderson winks.

“Gosh, yes.” Jensen barks a laugh. “Please, call me whenever you have time. Even if you
suddenly show up at our door, I don't think anyone will mind.”

“What if I simply show up in Vancouver?”

“You mean in Supernatural set?” Jensen feels blood rise to his face as he remembers
what Eric told him. Well, so far Jensen hasn't intentionally mentioned Supernatural, not
that he doesn't want to talk about his own show. It's just because Anderson hasn't
exactly asked about it. When Jensen shared with him stories about Jared, that was
more on what Jensen thought of his colleague and not about – wait. Here we go again.
He really should stop thinking about Jared, come on.

“Are they going to be as happy to see me?”

Jensen jerks a little as he hears Anderson's voice. Great. Now he even starts to zone out.
Get yourself together, Ackles.

“No. I mean, of course they won't mind either. But tell me when you're planning to fly up
there so I can make sure that Eric will be there, too.” Jensen feels proud of himself for
having managed to bring up Eric's name.

“That's excellent. I'll arrange my schedule. But for Richardson, I'm sure that won't be
necessary as I'm already here.” Anderson offers his hand. “Thank you for your time,
Jensen. It's my pleasure to talk to you.”

Jensen shakes Anderson's hand, but his mind blanks out at But for Richardson, I'm sure
that won't be necessary as I'm already here. Did he mean he would visit Jensen's parents'
house, like, now? Seriously?

~~~
14
Jared can’t put Jensen’s smile out of his mind. As the interview progressed though, he
felt something was off. At first he thought it was the way the host flirted with Jensen but
he should’ve known by now that everybody flirts with Jensen. He shouldn’t even have
been surprised when Cooper (who is he, anyway?) got a little too excited about the
prospect of visiting Jensen’s parents’ house. No, it’s not that. It is perhaps – the fact that
Jensen looked relaxed. And happy.

And immediately Jared feels bad even thinking about that. Jensen deserves to be happy;
he certainly didn’t look it the couple of days Jared has last seen him. He deserves to be
happy after what must have been a hard time for him.

How Jared wants to see him again.

Even if he can’t do that, Jared thinks maybe he can still talk to the man, despite what
Jeff told him. Jared decides to pick up his cell and dial Jensen’s number. It goes off
unanswered for several seconds. Frowning, Jared hangs up before it goes to voicemail
and he tries again. This time, he lets it go to the voicemail.

Umm, hi. Jensen, it’s me. It’s Jared. I – I just wanna congratulate you for the interview.
Good job, man. It’s awesome. CNN, dude. You rock.

He’s thinking of asking if he can stop by Richardson when the phone buzzes signaling
there is an upcoming call. He hangs up and checks the caller ID. It’s his wife.

“Jared!” Her voice sounds excited. “Guess what, I finished the shoot ahead of time. Are
we still going to Germany?”

“Uhh… yeah, sure.” He completely forgot about the plan.

~~~

15
Jensen thinks he heard his phone ring. He’s thought of checking it but he doesn’t feel
like leaving Anderson alone with his family. They haven’t really known the man. Well, he
hasn’t known the man.

He’s only met Anderson two or three times prior to the official interview, mostly for
coffee. And to be honest he’s never done it before with any other journalists or
interviewers. Normally they just made an appointment for the time and place and just
did it. But Anderson insisted that they meet first, either to talk to him or simply watch
Jensen work. This going to Jensen’s house thing was only supposed to be a joke. He
never thought Anderson was serious.

Yet here you go. Anderson showed up on his doorstep just one day after their interview,
with the biggest bunch of red roses Jensen has ever seen.

“For your mom. Where is she? I’d love to meet her.”

Like how Jensen has thought before, his mom is totally charmed by Anderson and his
father keeps smiling at the light jokes the man throws. Several times Jensen catches
Anderson’s gazes fall on him and whether he wants it or not, they send flickers to his
belly. Anderson is not bad looking and despite the fact that he’s clearly a somebody, he
never treats Jensen’s family with less respect. Jensen wonders what it is that the man
wants.

His phone rings again, and Jensen decides to answer it this time.

“Excuse me,” he mumbles as he rises from the chair, feeling Anderson’s eyes at the back
of his neck when he leaves the room.

He’s too late, though. The call has gone to the voicemail.

And it’s from Jared, congratulating him for the interview.

Jensen swallows hard. No, it’s nothing. It’s not like Jared told him that his marriage was
suddenly over. Get real, Jensen.

He’s considering calling Jared back but then decides not to. It’s not urgent and he
doesn’t think it’s going to matter anyway for Jared.

Besides, he’s having a guest right now.

~~~

16
His phone beeps with an incoming email. Jensen stirs awake. He raises an eyebrow as
he checks the alarm clock on the nightstand: 5.30. Who in their right mind would send
an email at this ungodly hour? Ah, of course. An insomniac. Or just like him on work
days, who has to wake up around that time.

Jensen knows he doesn't have to check the mail right away but he's awake now. He
might as well make use of his time.

It’s from Anderson.

Jensen, have you seen The Ten Commandments? It opens this weekend at Broadway.
Say yes and I'll send you a plane ticket. I'll pick you up at LaGuardia.

Jensen can't believe what he’s reading. It's Broadway, man. And watching in the
opening night? It's beyond awesome. What would Jared say about this?

Okay. This is not normal. Why can’t he block his mind from the man? Come to think of
it, Jensen still owes him a phone call. He’d better do it now, when the chance of being
answered is slim.

Just his luck, the call is answered right after the first ring.

“Jen?” Jared sounds breathless, and definitely not asleep.

Jensen frowns. “Y-yes. You awake?”

The silence that follows takes almost one minute. Jensen is wondering if Jared’s still
there, when the response comes, a bit stilted.

“I, uh, I’m not at home.”

“What? Where?”

“Gen and I, we’re in Berlin. She—”

They’re having lunch at the moment. And that is more than Jensen needs to know.

~~~

17
For several beats it doesn't occur to Jared that he has been talking to himself. Jensen
has not hung up or anything but Jared can't even hear him breathing into the
mouthpiece. Jensen has either fallen back to sleep or tossed his cell phone away.
Sighing, Jared gives up and turns his phone off.

“That Jensen?” his wife asks. “What does he want?”

Jared looks at her strangely. “Want? He didn’t even say anything.”

Gen huffs. “Weird. Wonder what you see in him, Jay.”

Something inside Jared cringes at the use of the nickname. Only one person can call
him that. He frowns. “What I see in him? What’re you talking about?”

Gen sips at her caramel macchiato and places her glass on the table with more force
than necessary.

“Come on, Jay. Do I need to spell it out for you? The man has a major crush on you.
He’s jealous of me, and I think he hates me for getting hitched to you.”

It’s not news for Jared now but it doesn’t mean he wants to hear it coming out of his
wife’s mouth. In fact, he almost can’t look at the way she smirks and sneers so
conceitedly. Jared snatches his wallet and pulls out some notes, throwing them
carelessly on the table.

“You done here?” He shoves his chair backward and gets to his feet, ignoring Gen’s
grumble that she is not quite done yet. He marches away without so much as a
backward glance at her.

~~~

18
Jensen stares blankly at the dark ceiling – which is not the only thing dark in his room.
The side lamp isn’t even on and now the light from his cell phone is dimmed already.
And he can’t help but smile bitterly to himself. To his own foolishness or stupid naivety.
A short voice mail message with several encouraging words certainly means nothing.
What is he, flattering himself? He always lets his mind wander; he always loves to
fantasize. Perhaps he does both too much. So embarrassing.

His fingers move on their own accord, scrolling to the email he got from Anderson, and
thumbing his reply.

You know how to entice me, don’t you? A play in Broadway is too lovely to pass. Count me
in. Shall I call you or you’ll call me?

Jensen’s a lot prettier than he remembers. Anderson feels weak in his knees at the sight
of the man coming out of the arrival gate. Clad in a dark t-shirt, jeans, and a denim
jacket with a small backpack slung over his right shoulder, Jensen looks like he’s out of
a fashion magazine spread.

It’s just – Anderson’s never seen him this skinny. Jensen has been much more built
when Anderson met him for the interview just a couple of weeks before. Now his jaw
looks sharper and his eyes deep-set in their sockets. And he’s so pale his skin makes an
enormous contrast with his tee. Jensen’s hand feels clammy when Anderson grabs and
shakes it.

“You doing okay?” A slight concern slips into his voice.

“Y-yeah, sure.” Jensen’s faint smile doesn’t help convince Anderson. “How are you,
Anderson? I – uhh—”

“What? What’s wrong?”

“I guess – I need to…”

Before he knows it, Jensen dashes in the direction of the men’s room. Anderson is hot
on his track.

“Goodness’ sake, Jensen, are you okay?” He breaks in and spots Jensen retching into
the toilet. “My God,” he says quietly. “What’s wrong with you?”

Hesitating at first, Anderson finally reaches out for Jensen’s neck and kneads it gently
as Jensen gags and heaves, panting heavily.

~~~

19
There is no one else Jensen hates more than himself now. This is so embarrassing. He’s
not flying all the way up to NY, to meet Anderson Cooper, for goodness’ sake, to lie down
on some non-descript bed in a hospital’s ER. He’s tried to stop Anderson from taking
him here but he couldn’t even voice his objection, not when all he managed to do was
curling up in Anderson’s car, riding waves after waves of cramps in his stomach, getting
so close to throwing up every time, soaked up in his feverish sweat. Jensen couldn’t
even walk through the double doors without help.

Jensen couldn’t tell what he has done or what happened to him so that’s left to the
doctors to do some tests on him. Through his muddled mind, Jensen heard their
explanation. He’s caught a stomach bug. Jensen lets out a strangled groan as another
fit of cramp rolls into his abdomen again and beads of sweat break out on his brow. The
anti-nausea drugs given to him have yet to take any effect. If things get even worse,
there is no need for him to be here at all. He might as well fly back home to…

“What’re you talking about? You’re going with me, period.”

Jensen looks up dazedly at Anderson, not realizing he’s been thinking aloud. “I – I can’t
—”

“You telling me you’re going with your condition like this? You can’t even stand on your
own.” Anderson gently dabs Jensen’s forehead with his handkerchief.

Jensen’s eyes flutter close. Honestly, he feels so tired. Every muscle he has aches. The
endless spasms that have wrecked his body have totally worn him out and right now all
he wants to do is close his eyes and sleep. Jensen is only half aware of Anderson’s
fingers running through his hair as he faintly hears the man convincing everyone in the
ward, “Yes, he’s going home with me. I’ll make sure he gets what he needs. Don’t worry
about it. I’ll take care of him.”

~~~

20
“Hey.”

Sitting on the edge of the bed in their hotel room, with his shoulders slumped, Jared
turns to his wife, arms hanging on her sides.

“What is it?”

Gen takes a deep breath. “You,” she says. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you.” She
saunters over toward him.

Jared flinches when she reaches out a hand. Pulling it back, Gen bites her lip.

“Sorry,” Jared mumbles, and rises to his feet.

“Where are you going?”

Jared spares her a glance. “I’m sorry,” he says again, taking long steps toward the door.
“I won’t be long.” Then he leaves.

Anderson sits quietly with his arms folded on the mattress next to Jensen. He just found
a new pastime: Jensen-watching. The man is still too pale and sometimes he's frowning
as though the cramps attack him even in his sleep. But at least he's resting now though
Anderson wishes he could do something to lessen the suffering Jensen is drowning
under. Anderson wishes he could do more than just gently pressing his knuckles
against Jensen’s jaw every time the man twists in pain.

The doctor has told Anderson that Jensen doesn't need to stay in the hospital as long as
he gets enough rest. But neither he nor Anderson wants to be the one to wake Jensen
again after moving him from the ER to a private room. A night at the hospital, then, and
Anderson doesn’t mind it at all.

Morning comes and Jensen is greeted with a smile from a man he barely remembers at
first. When recollection slowly returns to him, Jensen cracks a shy smile with his
chapped lips.

“Screwed up everything, didn’t I?” His voice is croaky from lack of use and Anderson,
mumbling something by way of answering, immediately gets a glass of water with a
straw. Jensen lifts himself up a little and sips the water slowly, sighing gratefully as he
falls back on his pillow.

“Thank you,” he whispers. He still feels shaky, feeling tired already. Jensen hardly
realizes his eyes are closing.

“Jensen?”

“Hmm?”

It takes him several seconds to finally be aware of the other man’s presence so close to
him they are practically breathing the same air. Jensen’s eyes fly open and he sees how
Anderson hesitates briefly.
21
“I didn’t read you wrong, did I?” Anderson’s eyes are fixed on his lips as he murmurs not
an inch from them.

Jensen moans quietly. The sight of Anderson bending over above him, his eyes soft, is
Jensen’s undoing. When Anderson finally eliminates the gap between them and he
welcomes the light kiss, Jensen knows nothing better can happen to him.

~~~

22
Jared doesn’t hold it against Jensen when he didn’t answer his calls. Jared can’t blame
him for not wanting to talk him after what happened earlier. Jared can’t imagine himself
wanting to talk to Jensen again if he were the one to have caught Jensen was with
someone when he called. Don’t even think Jensen might want to give him a second
chance. What second chance? The door has been closed to him when he made a vow
before Gen.

And it’s simply not fair. Not even to her. The vow he’s made, it sounds fake to Jared now
that all he can think about is Jensen.

Jared pushes the elevator button to get back to his room. Slotting in his key card to
open the door, Jared finds his wife staring out the window. She turns around as she
hears him walking in. He takes only a couple of strides to get to her and grasps both of
her hands.

“Gen, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hurt you but you see…”

“Let me guess.” Gen’s voice is cold but not unsympathetic. “You’re going to have that
‘It’s not you, it’s me’ speech?”

Jared hangs his head. “I’m a terrible, terrible person, baby. But I can’t lie – not anymore.
To you. To—”

Gen stops him with a finger on his lips. “You’re one of the most stupid persons I’ve ever
met. Did you know the most surprising moment I’ve had?”

Jared looks up, meeting Gen’s eyes, never feeling this miserable before.

“It was when you proposed to me. Not because it was too soon, but because I thought it
would never happen in the history of Jared Padalecki. I thought you were – different.
You know what I mean? But then you came and asked me, and to be honest, I was
surprised. I’m not saying I wasn’t happy. You have no idea. I was so giddy I could sing
all day. I thought that must have been how Cinderella would’ve felt when Prince
Charming came to her.”

Jared swallows, unable to look into her eyes anymore. Gen lifts his chin gently.

“But I’m also a realistic person. I know I got quite upset with you when Jensen called
you the other day. I’m sorry about that. I should’ve known that time would come sooner
or later and that you would finally realize – about you and him.”

Jared runs his hand through her hair. “Gen,” he croaks. “How – how about us?”

Gen only smiles, the saddest one Jared has ever seen on her.

“There’s no us, Jay. There never was.”

~~~

23
Anderson grits his teeth as he starts the car. He refuses to talk to Jensen, refuses to
even look. He’s mad. Mad at how the night has turned out. Mad at the man for being so
stubborn and insisting to go. But mostly, he’s mad at himself. He should’ve known
Jensen has not truly recovered. Hell, Anderson knew that but he was too weak to stop
him.

The opening night is only a day after Jensen has been discharged from the hospital and
Anderson wonders if he’s been blinded by Jensen’s stunning look that the only thing he
was able to say was, “Yes,” when Jensen implored him that they should go. Jensen in
soft grey cashmere sweater and dark pants has made him fail to see how pallid his face
was.

Anderson wants to throw it all to Jensen’s face, telling him that he himself is paying the
price. But looking at Jensen curled up like that in the passenger seat in what seems like
recurring stabbing pains in his stomach, Anderson’s heart sinks.

“Jensen…” Anderson reaches out to smooth Jensen’s hair off his brow. “Talk to me,
please.”

But there is no response other than a low grunt and Anderson decides they just have to
leave. They’ve spent quite a long time waiting for the car to be brought to the lobby by a
valet and it has been unnerving for both of them when they had to wait there with
Jensen clinging to Anderson while cameras snapping pictures from every direction. But
Anderson has a more pressing matter now than thinking about what might come up out
of that.

~~~

24
In the cab, Jared almost lets it go when Gen puts his cell phone on his palm and tells
him to call Jensen right. The hell. Now.

“I won’t,” Jared says flatly. “He’s found someone.”

“Did he seem to have just bounced up and down to you?”

Jared frowns, looking at her now. “What?”

“The way I saw it, he looked like death warmed over him.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Jared,” Gen snaps. “You didn’t really look at those pictures but I did. Jensen’s face was
so pale and in one of them his eyes were tightly shut. If someone asked me, I’d say he
was about to get sick.”

“Sick?” Jared obliviously tightens his grip on his cell phone. “Are you sure?”

Without waiting for her answer, he flips the phone open and scrolls down to Jensen’s
number. Jared glances briefly at Gen who simply nods and turns away to give him a
semblance of privacy. Jared turns his attention back to the call he’s making and nearly
jerks with anticipation when it’s answered.

“Hey. Jensen, it’s…”

“I’m sorry but Jensen can’t answer the phone right now.”

Jared’s eyes bulge. Taken aback, he swallows. “W-what? Who is this?” Gen reaches into
his hand and he squeezes it, not even aware of doing so.

“May I ask who’s speaking, please?”

“It’s, uh, Jared. I’m his, his best friend—”

“Oh, Jared. Sure.”

Jared lifts an eyebrow when the man laughs a little.

“Jensen talked a lot about you,” he goes on.

“Thanks, but,” Jared’s eyes flicker to Gen who observes him closely. His mind begins to
wander to places he doesn’t want to go. But – the man has Jensen’s cell. “Where is he?
Do you mind if I talk to him?”

“No, of course not.” The man sighs. “But he really can’t.”

“What? What’s happened? What have you done to him?”

“Whoa, wait a second. I’ve done nothing to him. But he’s asleep right now. He hasn’t
been for some time. He’s been in so much pain that he couldn’t even rest.”

Jared slumps in his seat, rubbing his face. “Oh, God.” Gen has been right.

25
Feeling lightheaded, Jared whispers to the mouthpiece. “What’s wrong with him? God,
but is he okay now?”

“Yeah, I truly hope so. He’s much calmer now. He caught a stomach bug a couple of
days ago.”

“And you’re – you’re Anderson, right? Anderson Cooper? I saw the papers.”

“That’s me. Oh, Jared?”

“Yes?”

“I heard about your wedding. Congratulations, man.”

“Well, I don’t—”

“Hey, look,” Anderson cuts him off. “I’d love to talk to you but I really have to go. I’ll tell
Jensen that you called, okay?”

“Wait, Anderson. I’m just – you know, I…” But he is too late. Anderson has hung up the
phone. Sucking in his breath, Jared can only gawk in disbelief at his cell phone.

~~~

26
Anderson doesn’t know for sure why he’s had this urge not to talk with Jared. The man
is clearly straight and moreover he is married, for God’s sake. Anderson has no reason
to feel threatened by him though if the way Jensen talked about Jared in the interview is
anything to go by, Anderson might have to consider how he feels toward Jared. Still, this
is such a new thing for him, being insecure. Anderson wonders what Jensen has done to
him.

Back to the guestroom where Jensen is resting, Anderson finds him awake now. Jensen
is still lying down but his gaze wanders around the room, his expression half studying
his surroundings, half wondering how or why he is there in the first place. He only turns
to Anderson when he hears him clear his throat. Warmth surges in Anderson’s heart at
the fleeting blush across Jensen’s freckled face. He wonders what Jensen’s been
thinking about his house especially the room. Anderson loves his place but perhaps it’s
childish to want to hear what Jensen might say about it.

Anderson goes to the bed and sits next to Jensen, reaching out to feel Jensen’s brow.
The man groans, shying away.

“I’m not having a fever, Anderson.”

“Not anymore,” Anderson smiles. “You gave me quite a scare, Jensen.”

“Sorry,” Jensen won’t meet his eyes.

“Hey, that’s not your fault. You were sick. How you feeling now?”

“Much better.” Jensen licks his lip.

“Water?”

“Please.”

Anderson watches how Jensen drinks slowly and when he pulls back, some drips of
water still cling to his lower lip. Anderson doesn’t realize he’s been staring and
completely ignores the glass shoved into his palm. He chuckles, putting the glass away
on the nightstand, and takes off his shirt. Jensen’s eyes widen before they darken a bit.

“May I?” Anderson gestures toward a space on Jensen’s huge, fluffy pillow. Jensen shifts
a little to give him more room much to his delight and he slips under the cover. He can
feel Jensen stiffen slightly and his face – mere inches from Anderson’s – is taut, before
he relaxes and begins to snuggle into Anderson’s bare chest. Jensen’s body still feels
sleep warm under his thin T-shirt and Anderson braves himself and inches a hand
beneath it, palming the flat abs and up, up to Jensen’s well-worked-out, muscled torso,
sighing appreciatively at the deep moan wrenched out of Jensen’s throat.

“Beautiful,” Anderson says huskily. “Very beautiful.” He tweaks a nipple and is granted
with an exposed stretch of smooth-skinned column as Jensen throws his head back,
lips parting, his guttural growl sending all Anderson’s blood down to his groin.

~~~

27
Once they start, they can’t stop. Soon there is only skin and nothing separates them.
Jensen touches Anderson eagerly, almost hungrily, while Anderson kisses his hair, the
lids of his eyes, his ears, his lips. And he kisses back. It’s been too long since he was
with anyone at all. Perhaps it was way back when he was still in Days of Our Lives with
his roommate’s friend. Jensen has never told anyone how he really is since then because
– because he has never been close with anybody after that. Well, there is Jared – but
Jensen would rather be caught dead now before he can tell him.

With Anderson, though, he wonders how things can simply happen. Anderson knows
without Jensen has to say anything.

“Will you stop thinking for once?” Anderson laughs a little, eyes crinkling, and Jensen
can’t help but think he looks like him.

“I’m not thinking,” Jensen rubs their noses together. “I just—”

“think?” Anderson grins at him. He wraps his arms around Jensen, closing the distance
between them, and presses their lengths together.

The friction makes Jensen shudder. He buries his face into Anderson’s shoulder in an
attempt to stifle his moan but barely succeeds. Anderson reaches down to take both of
them and groans loudly when Jensen’s teeth sink into his skin. Panting as he lets go of
Anderson, Jensen thrusts into the other man’s fist, his fingernails jabbing into
Anderson’s sweat-slick hips.

“Yeah.” Anderson gasps. “You feel so good, Jensen.” He licks at Jensen’s lips, his tongue
sneaking into Jensen’s mouth. “And taste so much better.”

Jensen shuts his eyes tightly as he jerks with pleasure. His voice is still muffled by
Anderson’s mouth when Jensen breathes out a name.

”Jared…”

Jensen is up and out of bed faster than he can imagine. He flails, grabbing uselessly at
a sheet of linen, gawking as Anderson reaches out to him.

“Don’t,” he chokes, wrapping the linen around his waist. “I’m sorry. Oh God. You’ve
been so kind… I’m so sorry.” He knows he’s hurt Anderson. He can see it in the man’s
eyes. Jensen has no right to even be in the room. “I’m such an ungrateful jerk.” He
dashes in the direction of the bathroom, a hand covering his mouth.

“Jensen, I’m not—”

The slamming of the door shuts him up.

~~~

28
“I ruin your life.” Jared looks down at Gen, holding her by the shoulders. “Tell me what I
can do to make up for it.”

Gen leans forward and kisses him on the cheek. “I’ll think about it. But it’s better sooner
than later for you to find out about everything. About Jensen.”

Jared pulls her close and hugs her tight. “You’re priceless. I hope we can be friends?”

“Nah,” Gen smirks, retracting herself from Jared’s arms. “Not now. I’m gonna need some
time alone, get myself together.”

Jared falls silent. Saying that he feels awful is not going to cut it. He hurt her badly; he
just has to make sure he won’t do that to others.

To name one, Jensen.

Well at least, now Jared has a clearer path that he has to follow. After his call that fell to
Anderson’s hand, Jared has tried to contact Jensen for several times but he got no
answer at all. Jared has been beside himself ever since. He’s had no idea where Jensen
is except that he’s in New York. He can be staying in Anderson’s place, in a hotel, or
whatever goddamned place he’d like to be. To make it worse, Jared doesn’t know
Anderson’s phone number.

Jared has then got the idea to call the Ackles household in Richardson after he
remembered watching Jensen’s interview that was held there. Jared thought Jensen’s
folks might have known, and thank heavens they did.

“Yes, who is it?”

A voice replies to him through the intercom. Jared is relieved someone’s home. He leans
to the mouthpiece. “Err, is this Anderson? Anderson Cooper? I’m Jared. I need to see
Jensen.”

Jared thinks he’s waiting for the longest time before the man on the other line responds.
The voice sounds hesitant.

“He’s not… Uhh, why don’t you just come up here first?”

“Sure,” Jared lifts an eyebrow.

The elevator pings open at the top floor and Jared steps out. Anderson is waiting for him
at an open door. He looks worn out and dejected.

“Hi,” Anderson gestures at him. “Come on in.”

“Jensen. Is he...”

Anderson cuts him out at the next heartbeat. “Jensen’s not here. He left a day after you
called and I have no idea where he is right now.”

Jared is stunned. He staggers backward, pricks and needles stabbing in his head the
same time his heart deflating in his chest. His face is contorted.
29
“You – you bastard. What’d you tell him about me?”

“Nothing. I didn’t even tell him about your call.”

Jared sees red. The next thing he knows a feeling of utter satisfaction flares deep inside
of him as Anderson’s jaw cracks under his fist.

~~~

30
Anderson looks down. His hand is covered with thick red blood still dripping from his
nose. A faint shock is in his face. Jared freezes; almost can’t believe what he’s just done.

“I’ll take it you care for Jensen more than I thought you did,” Anderson’s voice is garbled
thanks to his blocked nostrils. He rubs his nose and face with the back of his hand and
winces.

As if realizing something, Jared scuttles around the room to find anything to stop the
bleeding. “Your room?” he asks, looking back at Anderson who nods in the direction of
the west part of the apartment. Jared rushes there and is back with a hand towel. He
helps press it carefully against Anderson’s nose.

“And the kitchen?” Jared asks again. He needs ice cubes.

“It’s – it’s okay, Jared. I’m fine, really.”

But Jared won’t listen. He’s never been someone who throws punches when he gets
upset. This was a mistake. A terrible mistake. In the kitchen, he’s rummaging into the
drawers for a plastic bag and put enough ice into it before taking it into the sitting room.
Anderson is slouching on the couch with his face turning up, still holding the towel
against it. He accepts the ice pack from Jared without saying anything and uses it to
replace the towel for his face.

Jared sits down next to him. “Yes, I do,” he says softly.

“Huh?” Anderson looks at him in puzzle, his hand holding the ice pack dangling in the
air.

“I do care for Jensen.”

“Well…” Anderson attempts a halfhearted grin though it looks even more twisted on his
battered face. “That’s certainly in a most platonic, brotherly kind of way, I presume?”

Jared smiles sheepishly, shaking his head, looking down at his lap. “Not really—”

“Jared, if I learned correctly about you, you’re married.”

“I’d never have gotten married in the first place had I known how Jensen really felt
about me.”

“You mean—”

Jared looks deeply into Anderson’s eyes, trying to answer the unspoken questions. Yes,
Jensen loves Jared but Jensen never told him so he never realized it before. Jensen has
in fact never told him until now but Jared got to find it out somehow. And yes he was
married and thought he’d found that special person already. Yet it turned out that
Jared’s been looking in the wrong direction the entire time.

Anderson’s eyes go soft.

“I care for Jensen, too. No, I think I love him. He makes it very easy for me to love him.
But—” He squeezes Jared’s shoulder. “I know he loves you.”

“Man,” Jared snuffles and rubs his face. “And God knows where he is now.”
31
Anderson scuffles into the pocket of his jeans and tugs out a crumpled piece of paper.
“Here.”

Jared frowns but he takes it and tries to make out what is written on it. Jared can easily
recognize the handwriting.

Anderson, you’ve been very good to me but you deserve a much better person who doesn’t
think of someone else when you’re clearly there for him.

I’m sorry for everything.

~~~

32
If he got to think about it, the fact that he has practically journeyed across the continent
in his attempt to find Jensen might be quite amusing. He has flown from west coast to
east coast and still hasn’t succeeded. But Jared never takes the time to do that so he is
hardly amused.

And now he is about to fly back to the west after his visit to Jensen’s parents’ house
yielded nothing when it comes to finding Jensen.

Jared still has another place in mind when even in LA Jensen is nowhere to be found. It
almost takes every last bit of his patience and sanity, though, to pack up and zip to the
airport. He knows he will always get a seat on the flight to Vancouver, yet he can’t help
but have butterflies in his stomach when he has to stand in line to buy the ticket.

Jensen thumbs his cell phone off. Done. He’s called it off with his fiancée. There is no
use living a lie anymore though he doubts she knows how he really is. All she needs to
know is that he doesn’t love her anymore.

Living a lie – almost the same reason why he threw Anderson away. He might regret it
later. Anderson is kind, passionate, and he has been very gentle with him. But Jensen
knows he’s done the right thing leaving him behind – although it might be for nothing.
For no one.

Jensen draws a deep breath, taking in his surroundings. The steak house he usually
frequents doesn’t know the word vacant. Patrons keep coming in and bitterly Jensen
learns that they are mostly couples. Well, he used to get here not without company,
either. It didn’t make them a couple, but Jensen hardly cares. He enjoyed those times,
and he is not going to forget them, or forget him. Jensen cannot have the real thing but
that’s all right. He is going to keep hold of the memory, saving it in the deepest part of
his heart.

A roll of tear runs unchecked down his cheek and drips on to the back of his hand.
Jensen sighs, watching the small trickle dribbling further down. He wonders why it still
hurts after all this time. He has to promise – promise himself to never…

“Is that for me?”

That voice. The one Jensen will always be able to tell even in his sleep. But he is not
dreaming now. Jensen closes his eyes, and opens them to look up at Jared.

“Why would I cry for you?”

Jared laughs, complete with his usual head thrown back, and suddenly Jensen finds
himself wrapped in Jared’s strong arms.

“Because you love me,” Jared whispers in his ear. “Like I love you too.”

~~~

33
Jared feels Jensen’s body tighten like a bowstring in his hug so he lets him go. Jensen is
staring at him, a sad smile on his lips.

“Yes, I do love you. But I’m disillusioned so you don’t have to worry about it anymore.”
Jensen takes his wallet from his back pocket, tugs some notes out of it, and places them
on the table.

“What are you doing?”

“Go home, Jared. I’m glad to see you in town, but you have someone else waiting for
you.” Jensen rises but Jared grabs his wrist.

“Christ, Jen, what someone? Sit down or—” He’s belatedly aware of his raised voice and
that people are now looking in their direction. Jared turns to a whisper, still clutching at
Jensen. “Damn it. Stay, will you? We need to talk.”

Jensen seems to realize how eyes are trained at them, too, and he hisses, sitting up
straight in his chair. “There’s nothing to talk about and I’m done here. Let go of my
hand, Jared. Please.” He glances at Jared briefly but it’s clear that he’d rather not look
at him.

Feeling dejected, Jared releases him, hands going up in surrender. Still he gets to his
feet when Jensen rises, follows him out of the restaurant, to his car, and slides into the
passenger seat once Jensen unlocks the doors before he can say anything. Jaw
clenched, Jensen turns to Jared.

“Is Gen here with you?”

Jared’s throat closes up at Jensen’s subdued, pained tone.

“Look,” Jared starts. “She’s not here, okay? And you might have been disillusioned back
then but you’re not right now. We—”

“What do you know about my feeling? Jared, you don’t know. You don’t know.”

“But I do,” Jared says slowly. “For I realized then how I really feel about you.”

Jensen puts the car to sudden start and it jumps forward, throwing Jared back into his
seat. “Jesus, Jen.”

“I’ll drop you off at your house.”

“Jensen, it’s your house, too. Please stay tonight.”

Jensen doesn’t say anything and suddenly Jared is reminded of what Jeff told him a
lifetime ago about how he would hurt Jensen anew if he dared come back to him after
his marrying Gen. But that’s the whole point. Jared is no longer married and he knows
he only has Jensen in his heart right now. He just needs to make Jensen listen to him
good.

Perhaps not so much in words.

When the traffic light turns red, Jared knows this might be the only chance he gets. He
grabs Jensen’s shoulder and spins him around. As he gapes and parts his mouth in
34
shock, Jared pulls him in and smacks him fully on his lips.

~~~

35
Jensen is shocked, for sure, baffled and stunned. Jared's lips are hard against his, his
tongue is seeking into Jensen's mouth, and while Jensen's first thought is to push Jared
away, his betraying mouth wants to cling to it. To the kiss, the first intimate contact
Jared's ever given him, something that may be lost before he realizes it's even
happening. So Jensen seizes his chance and he cups Jared's face with his palms,
kissing him deeper, swallowing the surprised moan Jared makes. If this is the most that
Jensen can get from Jared, so be it. He'll savor it while it lasts.

The light has turned to green and red and green and red again without either Jared or
Jensen realizes it, so deeply engrossed the two by each other, kissing, licking, groping
one another. Breaths are heavy, buttons are undone, and red and wet marks are upon
their skins, on the sides of their faces, their earlobes, their necks, and their upper
chests. They are lucky no one is out on the road tonight although they don’t have the
slightest care about that. Someone does care about them, though, or rather, the fact
that they have spent quite some time at the traffic light.

A loud knock on the side window jars the two men, startling them out of their skin. A
police officer stands there, demanding the window to be opened. Jensen checks himself
quickly before rolling it down.

“Any problem, officer?”

The cop grunts and looks over Jensen’s shoulder at Jared. “Are you two okay? You’ve
stopped here quite long.”

Jensen’s face warms a little. “Yes,” he replies, quite more loudly than he’s intended to.
“Yes, Sir. We – we’re leaving now.” With a halfhearted smile Jensen switches the gear,
releases the brake, and moves his car before the cop gets to say another word. “Thank
you, Sir. Thank you. Good evening.”

Jared doubles over chortling beside him when they’re cleared off into another road.
Jensen glances at him, smiling a little.

“Shut up.”

“You looked so cute just now. Bet the cop knows what you were doing. I thought he
looked too eagerly at you.”

“Shut up,” Jensen repeats. “And he certainly didn’t look eagerly at me.”

Jared is still laughing when Jensen stops the car in front of Jared’s house, and stops
just to turn sideways and say, “Love you, Jen.”

~~~

36
“Did you mean me, or was it Gen?”

The words filter through Jared’s mind as he’s still mulling over the taste of Jensen’s lips
on his. That has been the first time a man kissed him ever and Jared was pleasantly
surprised that he wasn’t bothered by it at all. In fact, he’s craving for more.

“Uh, come again?” With a hand on the door handle ready to open the car, Jared turns
back to Jensen. “Gen, Jen? You kidding me, right?” He doesn’t like the barely-there
smile Jensen is giving him. He wants Jensen to trust him. He always does; at least
that’s what Jared thinks.

Yet, Jensen seems to almost lose it now or at least he’s hanging on a thin cord. Jared
has no idea Jensen feels that insecure about himself. He pokes Jensen’s thigh with his
when he sees the man stays quiet with his head bowed down. “Jen? Come on. Talk to
me.”

Jensen turns away, shrugging. “Yeah, I was just kidding.” He sounds too resigned to
Jared’s liking. “I just – you make me your kept boy or something? You’ll come up here to
Vancouver every time you miss me while your wife is down there somewhere? And –
when’d you start going gay on me anyway?”

Jared sighs. “All right. You come with me right now. We need to talk. Seriously.”

“No.”

“Jen.”

“No. Get out of the car.”

“I’ll drag you out and carry you into the house myself.”

“Try me.”

“All right.”

Jared is ever ready to simply carry him but Jensen is the one changing his mind. He
pulls the key immediately and jumps out of the car. Jared hides his smile as he goes out
of the car, too.

“Well?” Jensen asks him once they’re inside and so Jared begins recounting how he
talked to Jeff right after the party, how he felt all dizzy and lightheaded when all the
talks led to a life-shattering realization about himself and how all he had wanted to do
at that time was talk to Jensen, listen to his voice, or simply look at him.

And when he failed to do all of them, he knew there was nothing left but to hunt Jensen
down wherever he was – which brought him to Anderson.

“Anderson?” Jensen starts. “You met him?”

“Yup,” Jared says, and then more quietly, “You like him, Jensen?”

Jensen swallows. “I do. He’s a very good guy. He took care of me. But—” He raises a
hand. “Not like that. I can’t – with anyone else, Jare.” He looks down, his voice small.

37
“I know, Jen. Neither can I,” Jared says slowly, and his breath hitches when he catches
tears gleaming in Jensen’s eyes as he tilts his face up to look at Jared again.

~~~

38
It always pained Jared every time he had to watch Jensen cry in front of the camera. It
didn’t matter that it was only for a scene, a story they had to convey. Jensen took
everything into him and brought it all out for anyone to see, to listen to, to feel. When he
was shaking with suffering and despair, so was everybody around him.

And now Jared’s just unable to witness the dejection playing for him for real. And to be
aware that he is the one causing it. It’s just too much. He holds Jensen close until the
man can’t move an inch.

“Please, Jen, stop. I’m not worth it.”

“You’re worth all the damn thing to me,” Jensen chokes on Jared’s shoulder. “But I
can’t. You can’t. You belong with someone else. Don’t make me do this, Jare. This is
exactly why I couldn’t tell you in the first place. I didn’t want to impose myself on you.
My lifestyle. Me. Because I know you and you’d rather drop everything just to make me
happy.”

How very true, Jared thinks. Even when he hasn’t realized Jensen’s feeling to him.
There is something in Jensen that makes Jared want to keep him near, protected. Jared
presses him even tighter like he can’t get enough of Jensen. As if he could squash the
quivering and doubts out of the man.

“But you can, and I can,” he whispers softly into Jensen’s ear, and words flow out of him
easily, about Gen, their marriage, her willingness, his total relief and sole wish to
spending time with Jensen till the rest of his life.

All quivering is drained out of Jensen but to Jared’s dread, he notices how Jensen
stands so still.

“Jen?” Jared jiggles him a bit. His blood turns cold at Jensen’s next words.

“I ruined everybody’s life, didn’t I? Gen. Anderson.”

“That’s – that’s ridiculous. It’s not your fault…”

“Let me go, Jared.”

“No. Not until you can think straight again.”

Jensen snorts, bitterness filling his eyes as they seek out Jared’s. “That’s the whole
point. I can’t think straight. That’s the problem.”

“It’s not funny.”

“No, it’s not. Jared, let go of me. I need – to do something.”

Reluctantly, Jared pulls back. “What are you going to do?”

“I can’t if you’re still holding me like this.”

“Jensen,” Jared sighs and takes his hands off him completely.

“I’m going to call Gen. I’ll talk to her and see if I can still fix everything.”

39
“What do you mean, fix everything?”

Jensen looks at him, eyes clouded, teeth gnawing at his lower lip. “Perhaps, perhaps I
can still make her come back to you, Jare.”

Jared’s heart sinks.

“Is that what you want?” he asks after several beats.

Jensen turns away, heading toward the door. “Doesn’t matter what I want.” And he
glances briefly at Jared. “Things happened, Jared. It’s too late, and you know that.”

~~~

40
When Jensen’s calling Genevieve, Jared goes to the kitchenette where he can still see
Jensen though he can’t hear him. He doesn’t know why but he can’t leave Jensen alone.
He hasn’t been himself just now and Jared doesn’t want him to fall to pieces without
him knowing it. He wants to be ready to cut the call should anything bad happen.

So Jared hovers around the table, goes back and forth to top up his coffee, or checks
into the fridge. He hasn’t had dinner yet so he makes himself some bacon and cheese
sandwiches and takes them in small bites, chewing them slowly, his eyes never leaving
Jensen

Jensen has his hand tightly clamp his cell phone over his ear. Sometimes he walks
around the room talking and another time curls up on one side of the couch whispering
into the mouthpiece. Jared feels like his heart being squeezed when he sees Jensen shift
into a sitting position and start to tear up. Jared struggles not to run to him, to grab the
phone and toss it away across the room. Jensen sitting there with his other hand over
his eyes with tears running down his face is just the worst thing Jared’s ever seen. His
sandwich is forgotten and Jared’s rising from his seat, standing on shaky feet, when he
sees Jensen rub his face, take a deep breath, and look up to the ceiling, resting his head
to the back of the couch. And smile. He smiles. A teary smile, nonetheless, but it calms
Jared already and slowly he sits back down.

The smile never ceases and Jensen still talks, more gently and softly it seems. And then
it’s over. He turns off his phone, puts it on the glass table, and lays himself down on the
couch, rolling into a ball with his back to Jared.

Jared freezes. He wants to get to Jensen. Wants to wrap himself around him and
whisper words of comfort into his ear. But he can’t even bring himself to move. Jensen
stays like that for the longest time until at one moment when Jared dares come up to
him, Jensen’s steady and even breaths tell Jared that he has fallen asleep. Jared
brushes warm tears he didn’t realize making of his face.

~~~

41
Talking is tiring and talking to someone who married to a person you love can
completely wear you away. Jensen has never thought he would ever do that. That’s one
of the reasons why he’d decided to just forget Jared and go on with his life – though how
he thought he could do that is beyond him.

And talking and listening to Gen’s tender words trying to convince him that everything
she’s done is for the best for everybody, and then him being unable to hold back his
emotion as Gen begins to cry have made his head feel like it’s going to split anytime. The
fact that Jared fixes his gaze at him the entire time doesn’t really help. So many times
Jensen feels like ending the conversation and just gives up. But he can’t. He has to find
out, has to make sure, has to hear it from Gen herself. He is such a shameful third
wheel; he needs to hear it coming from Gen’s mouth.

Of course she won’t give him that. He’s not a third wheel, she says. Neither of the two of
them is. She realized Jared has made up his mind and there was nothing else she could
do. Jared’s heart has been set to Jensen; she’d only lie to herself if she pushed with
their relationship.

Those statements are not a reason for Jensen to smile in any way but from a corner of
his eye Jensen sees how distraught Jared has looked and it seems as if he were ready to
ram forward and slap the phone off Jensen’s hand anytime. Well, Jared mustn’t do that.
They – Jensen and Gen – have been this close to come to an understanding, and so
Jensen decides to smile. His heart aches from the realization that he has hurt someone
but he forces himself to smile. He can’t let Jared see how it hurts Jensen, too.

Jensen feels totally drained by the time the conversation is over. He has no more energy
to talk to Jared or even face him.

Jensen wakes up in what he thinks still the middle of the night, feeling stiff and too
warm, and as he stirs, immediately he finds out why. Jared is pressed against his back,
spooning him into a tight hold, his breathing warm at Jensen’s neck. Jensen swallows
hard, tensing a bit for a second, before relaxing, smiling to himself, and closing his eyes.
He fades away back into sleep before he even realizes it.

~~~

42
For some time no one seems to want to volunteer to break the ice that morning. Not
Jared who is content to just sit there, eyes never leaving Jensen who’s fidgeting across
the table from him, and definitely not Jensen who keeps staring at the stack of French
toasts on his plate without seemingly the slightest intent to eat them.

Things have gotten awkward the moment they were both awake. Jared understands
Jensen’s reluctance to talk about how his conversation with Gen has gone, though
Jared can feel that it’s been to their favor instead of hers from the fact that Jensen
didn’t push him off the couch last night. From how Jensen clutched tightly at one arm
Jared slung over Jensen’s waist.

It was easy for them to get close to one another when they were asleep, but not now
when they’re aware of each other’s presence and the realization that suddenly nothing,
nobody, stands in their way. There is no denying the love between them; still, they don’t
feel as if they could simply pounce on the other.

Well, fuck that, Jared thinks. Jensen has always been known as a bit shy and too self
conscious and here Jared sees the extent of those attributes for himself. But he is not
like that. Why should Jared suddenly feel shy, too?

“Jen,” he calls softly.

His only response is Jensen stabbing innocent toasts with his fork.

Jared ducks his head, seeking Jensen’s eyes. He smiles when Jensen relents and looks
back at him. His gaze is unfaltering as Jared rises from his chair and edges toward him,
leaning forward and brushing a lightest touch upon Jensen’s lips with his own. Jared’s
heart skips a beat at the sight of long and soft lashes grazing Jensen’s cheeks as his
eyes flutter close.

“How’s the toast?”

And those eyes fly open at once; being taken by surprise, slightly put out, and warmly
tickled, all mix into one. Jared yelps when Jensen literally jumps him, lying on top of
him, and ravishes his mouth.

The toasts might as well not exist in the first place.

~~~

43
From his lying position, Jensen squints up at Jared who’s looming over him. He feels a
bit difficult to breathe, still slightly overwhelmed by all this. Jared is finally his and
Jensen can’t help but feel immensely relieved there is no longer baggage between them.

“Stop thinking, Jen,” Jared grumbles as he takes off his t-shirt.

Jensen grins, twisting on the mattress, feeling the softness of the linen against his bare
back. He himself is clad only in his boxers that have been getting tighter since Jared
carried him upstairs from the kitchen, stumbling as they couldn’t break away from each
other.

“Can’t get down here faster, can you, Padalecki?” he sneers.

“Shut – up. Ah, finally.” Jared tosses his tee just like that and he relieves himself of his
sweatpants.

Jensen swallows hard at the sheer intensity in Jared’s eyes when the man turns his
attention fully at him; can’t hold back his shudder when that big paw cups his arousal
through the boxers.

“Take this off. Now.” Jared snatches the blocking piece of clothes.

“Okay.” Jensen fumbles with it.

Jared slowly lowers himself down, taking Jensen’s hands and pinning them up above
his head. “Jen, you’re so beautiful,” he murmurs.

Jensen himself can’t take his eyes off of the ripples of muscles before him, and he
groans and twists a little in Jared’s clutches, rubbing his groin against Jared’s, feeling
lightheaded at the rough scrape between their skins.

“Jared, Jared, Jared,” he chants the name like it were a sacred litany. “I love you. I need
you. Need you so much.”

“Ssh,” Jared connects their foreheads together. “I’m here. I got you now. And you got
me.”

Jensen bucks his hips and his eyes flutter close. “No. I mean – in me. I need you.” He
feels Jared pull away and Jensen opens his eyes. Jared looks stunned, his grip on
Jensen’s wrists loosening. He places his hands on both sides of Jensen’s head.

“Inside you, are you sure?”

Jensen makes an impatient gesture. “Come on, Jared. I’ve been waiting for you all my
life.”

So Jared prepares himself and Jensen, and he’s inside Jensen in a record time – but
stays there much longer than that.

~~~

ca. 12,500 words

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