Allison Beale

English 111
Personal Narrative/Scholarship Essay
February 18, 2021
“But he’s your brother”

Pounding, screaming, stomping: a child's tantrum. The rattling of the house walls as a

door slams or the high pitch ringing left in the aftermath of a scream covered the entire house.

The constant paranoia that lived inside my brain would smother my thoughts. I wondered, "What

was it this time?" as another loud shriek filled my ears, occupied with a light scratch. I opened

the door to find my dog seeking shelter and peered down the hallway to see my older brother

having his fifth outburst of the week.

In the public eye my brother seems normal, but he has more peculiarities than the average

person would suspect. He is a model student: straight A’s, well behaved, and motivated, but at

home the challenges begin. He was diagnosed with Aspergers, which is on the autism spectrum,

when he was very young, causing him to see and interpret social interactions differently. His

mind becomes obsessive over certain actions, objects, or schedules. The triggers, such as my

mother's annoyance at his late-night homework or a sarcastic comment, would always result in

an outburst. Unfortunately, I was subjected to more than the screaming matches my parents

endured. Beginning with physical aggression, hair pulling, and pinching, it evolved into

psychological aggression, door knocking, and staring. Not understanding his actions were wrong;

lectures from my parents would only accelerate his behavior. Although I knew he was not

himself when he was in the wrong mindset, I could not help but despise him as much as I did.

Despite the rare occasions that brought joy, such as a round of MarioKart or family vacations, I

was counting down the days until he left for college.

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It felt like an eternity as I looked for diversions. I avoided the difficulties instead of

attempting solutions. My brain decided that the best way to do this was through repression and

literary worlds. I would read the same books repetitively, wishing I could exit my reality and live

in their wonderful societies. Joining the characters on their adventures sounded more appealing

than listening to my family quarrel like raccoons while attempting to complete my schoolwork.

In reality, this was unrealistic; I knew I could never escape my brother and that I had to find

better ways to deal with him. Our differences in humor and personality often caused arguments.

Even though toning down my sarcastic behavior is difficult, I learned his triggers and I did my

best to avoid them.

Despite the challenges I have had with my brother, I am inexplicably grateful for the

experience. When my brother is in a state of distress, he is a different person. He is kind and

composed, yet he can be cruel and unpredictable. I now understand that it is not his fault when he

acts this way. I have learned that he is unable to control his emotions and actions, but this is

where I can help diffuse his emotions. I now recognize that everyone comes from different

situations, backgrounds, and may face different challenges. To move forward to a state of

normality, one must “douse the fire,” and I have noticed the best way to do so is to be patient and

understanding. Watching my dad display these actions has given me the confidence that I can

help others when needed. As a future educator, I hope to take this experience and realize that

people will react differently. I will always strive to see beyond a person's outer layer and

understand them for who they are.