Allison Beale

English 112

Parody Essay

April 20th, 2021

Pandemic 101

Lights are flashing, sirens are blaring; panic has emerged. People crowding the streets in fear of

contracting the deadly virus. You watch as it spreads, inching closer towards you. Frozen by fear, you

watch as it inches closer and closer to you. As you hold your breath for the contraction of the virus, your

eyes flash open. Heart racing, drenched in sweat; you realize it was a dream. Only, what if there was a

virus? A worldwide pandemic per se? One with a variety of symptoms, ranging from nothing to death.

One that spreads quickly and quietly, never allowing those who contract it know until it is too late. Many

may fret about what to do, but don’t worry. Welcome to Pandemic 101.

If you own a business, do not shut down. Open your doors for every customer who wants to sit

down and eat. A pandemic is a prime time to own a business, especially if it is a restaurant. While others

close in fear and disgust, your business will thrive. It will attract more customers, making your piggy

banks soar! Make money off of individuals like yourselves (the ones who are not stupid enough to follow

their government blindly). Always fight for your beliefs, and encourage others to do the same.

Second, turn off the news. Don’t listen to the false propaganda Dr. Fauci and his team are

spreading. Why would you need a mask? To “protect” you and others from the so-called deadly virus. Do

not, I repeat, obey wearing these pieces of fabric. This is simply a method of our government attempting

to control you. Besides, if you can survive the flu, you will be fine when this hits your hometown.

If your government and other business are forcing you to wear masks in public areas, don’t.

Many may choose to go the route of the “chin diaper” to pass as a pro-masker. This will allow you to slip

past the employees at the front and appear to be wearing a mask. In actuality, you are simply letting your

mask drape below your chin. That will show those government officials. Nobody needs their mask rules,

certainly not the American People.

 Desperate times call for desperate measures, and this is no exception. Because your elected

officials are not doing their job and voicing your concerns for you, you MUST take matters into your own

hands. The solution? Facebook. Go hop on the app, and give the people of this country a piece of your

mind. Share how it is stupid and lifeless to stay home and how you believe the government is taking away

your freedoms by forcing its citizens to hide the bottom of their faces. Comment on every news article,

picture, update, and family photo to voice your opinion. One way or another, the people must be heard!

Last but not least, we cannot forget the most pending issue regarding this virus. The vaccine.

What! The government expects the American People to inject a liquid that hasn't even been out for a year.

We don't know what is in that. Vaccines are said to save lives, but not getting one will save you from the

government.

Yeah… fake news. Don’t get suckered into getting one because the ability to post your card will make

you look popular. If your college is forcing you to show proof of vaccination, leave. Go spend thousands

of dollars on another school that will accept your free mind!

The United States has always been seen as a “free country.” But in the past year, that has been a

questionable statement. With the enforcement of mask-wearing, encouragement of the vaccination, stay-

at-home orders, and the closing of schools and businesses, it is no wonder that our country has gone off

the rocker. Look out for future methods of controlling. Will it be weather control or moving us to Mars?

We will never know...