15 pounds/15 libras

Full-length Stage Play

 SYNOPSIS

María Zumeda García is about to be married to her gringo

fiancé Benjamin and needs to lose 15 pounds in order to fit
into her mother's wedding dress. The dress was one of the
few possessions Carmen brought from Mexico to the United
States--"on her back." To pay homage to her mother and her
father, especially since her father passed away soon after
María was born, María diets, exercises, and takes other
extreme measures to drop the flab. Various family members
and friends try to dissuade the young Mexican-American from
her goal, but María is determined. During the high stress
and anxiety of preparing for the wedding, the best, and more
often the worst, in María comes out. She even calls off the
wedding, until a family secret is revealed that makes María
reconsider her priorities.

CAST (in order of appearance)

María, Latina woman, 20s

Carmen, María's mother, Latina woman, late 30s/early 40s
Donnie, Benjamin's friend, black man, 20s (Donnie is also
the VOICE IN THE AUDIENCE)
Benjamin, María's fiancé, white man, 20s
Conchíta, María's cousin, Latina woman, late 20s early 30s

SETTING
Phoenix, AZ (Present)
Mexican Restaurant
Garcia Home - Attic
Benjamin and Donnie's Apt
Garcia Home - Living Room

Pages 93
 2.

15 pounds/15 libras

ACT I

SCENE 1: MEXICAN RESTAURANT

The restaurant is only

represented by a table where
María, a young Latina woman,
sits with Benjamin, her güero
paramour.

Festive dishes and drinks are

on the table.

MARÍA
Didn't I tell you the food here was the best? And the
atmosphere? So old school Mexican.

Benjamin fumbles with something

in his pocket on the side of
the stage facing the audience.

BENJAMIN
Yes, it's great.

He looks around nervously.

BENJAMIN
María, the reason why I brought you here--

MARÍA
Taste this.

--before Benjamin can finish

his sentence, María stuffs a
forkful of food in his mouth.

MARÍA
It's just like how my mother makes it--just the right amount
of chili and garlic with a tiny sprinkle of paprika.

Benjamin nods, as he tries to

swallow down the food without
choking, leaving a smear of
sauce on his upper lip.

BENJAMIN
It's good. A little caliente for my taste.

He downs a glass of water.

 3.

MARÍA
Oh, I'm so sorry. I forgot your sensitive stomach.

BENJAMIN
It's okay. What I'm trying to say is--

He drops the small box from

his pocket which lands between
the couple's feet under the
table.

BENJAMIN
Just a moment.

Benjamin ducks under the table

to pick us the box.

MARÍA
Benji, what are you doing?

Bang!

He hits his head on the top--

BENJAMIN
Ow!

--and pops back up.

MARÍA
Are you all right?

BENJAMIN
I'm fine.

He holds the back of his head

with his free hand while
clutching the ring box in the
other.

BENJAMIN
Just a little bump. As I was saying--

MARÍA
You got a little . . .
(indicates the smear
of sauce on
Benjamin's upper
lip)
I'll get it.

She gets up from her seat and

takes her napkin to dabs the
smear away.
 4.

MARÍA
There that's better.

She sits back down.

BENJAMIN
Thank you. What I wanted to say is, these last few months
with you have been great--wonderful. The best moments of my
life. Going out, meeting your family--

MARÍA
I'm sorry about that.

BENJAMIN
No. They're wonderful people.

MARÍA
You're so sweet to think so.

BENJAMIN
What I wanted to ask you--

Just then the mariachi music

plays--LOUDLY.

BENJAMIN
(his words can't be
heard over the
music)
--will you marry me?

MARÍA
What?

BENJAMIN
(louder but still
not loud enough to
be heard over the
music)
Will you marry me?

MARÍA
I can't hear you. The music's too loud.

Benjamin gets to his feet.

BENJAMIN
WILL YOU--

The music suddenly stops.

BENJAMIN
--MARRY ME!
 5.

Benjamin looks out at the entire

restaurant, which in this case
is the audience beyond the
fourth wall.

BENJAMIN
(to everyone at the
restaurant)
I, um, I'm sorry. I--I didn't mean to shout. I, um . . .

María takes Benjamin's US hand

and gives it a good squeeze.

MARÍA
(mouths)
It's okay.

She smiles back at him.

A renewed confidence overtakes

her paramour.

He smiles back at her, and

then proclaims loudly for all
the world to hear--

BENJAMIN
MARÍA ZUMEDA GARCÍA WILL YOU BE MY WIFE?

Benjamin opens the case in his

hand to reveal a wedding ring.

María continues to smile, as

she nods her head sideways.

Benjamin gives a confused look.

María nods her head again--

sideways again.

BENJAMIN
Is that a yes or a no?

María continues to send smoke

signals to her boyfriend.

BENJAMIN
Something wrong with your neck?

VOICE FROM THE AUDIENCE (O.S.)

Get down on one knee, idiota!

BENJAMIN
Thank you, whoever said that!
 6.

MARÍA
And my boyfriend's not an idiot. Just a little slow on the
uptake!

Benjamin gets down on one knee

and presents the ring to María.

BENJAMIN
Do you accept?

María's eyes tear.

She nods as she says--

MARÍA
I accept.

The sound of cheers.

Benjamin puts the ring on

María's finger.

The two embrace, then break.

MARÍA
Now I can wear my mother's wedding dress.
 7.

SCENE 2: BENJAMIN AND DONNIE'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM

Donnie paces with a phone

connected to his ear.

DONNIE
Yes, I watered the plants, dusted the furniture, mopped the
floors, vacuumed, scrubbed the toilet -- and in that order.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Do I have to do that now?

Okay, okay, I'll do it, but this is the last time I wash and
iron the curtains.

Of course, I do. Of course. Yes. Yes, I love you.

I'm not -- I'm not complaining.

Yes, we should have a nice and clean place to live, I'm just
saying . . .

Your right. Your right, your right, your right.

I'd be a complete mess without you -- I know that.

What?

Of course, it will be the same. No. I haven't changed

anything.

Donnie looks out into the

audience.

DONNIE
No. I didn't do anything crazy. Just some minor touch ups.
You know like caulking.

Caulking what?

Like the space around the shower knob.

Of course that's all.

Yes, yes, yes. I love you too.

He hangs up.

DONNIE
Fuck.
 8.

GARCÍA HOME - ATTIC

A room full of boxes,

knickknacks, and other
furnishings.

A young Latina woman, María,

climbs up a set of steep stairs.
She is attired in a form-fitting
yoga outfit.

CARMEN (O.S.)
Mija, you have to help me up. Ayúdame.

María turns back and helps her

mother, Carmen, who huffs and
puffs up the steps.

CARMEN (O.S.)
Gracias.

MARÍA
De nada.

Carmen sits on a piece of

furniture, fanning herself,
while María scrounges around
looking for something.

MARÍA
Where is it?

CARMEN
Don't worry. It's here.

MARÍA
You keep a lot of crap, mom.

CARMEN
What crap? Everything up here has a purpose.

MARÍA
Yeah, to add to the clutter in the attic.

CARMEN
You never know when you will need something.

María indicates the following.

MARÍA
Like a broken toaster or my old Barbie makeup set or --
(holds up a strange
object)
-- what's this?
 9.

CARMEN
That? Let me take a look.

María hands it to Carmen.

CARMEN
That is a Suzanne Summer Thigh-master.

MARÍA
What's it supposed to do?

CARMEN
I can't remember.

MARÍA
Then why on earth do you keep it?

CARMEN
Sentimental value. Something your generation knows nothing
about. Always tweeting and chirping and sexting.

MARÍA
How does this have sentimental value? You don't even know
what it does.

CARMEN
I remember watching the TV after your grandfather died. I
was so depressed. That's when I saw the commercial and knew
if I had one, it would make me feel better. Oh, now I
remember what it does.

Carmen demonstrates using the

thigh master.

MARÍA
Is that supposed to be some kind of birth control?

CARMEN
It's for your thighs to make them esbelto y duro.

MARÍA
Birth control.

CARMEN
Ay, what do you know about--

María raises and eyebrow.

CARMEN
Nevermind. You have so many kinds today. Pills and patches
and shots. IUDs, a ring to put around your concha. I'm
surprised your banana phone doesn't shoot laserbeams to keep
women sterile.
 10.

MARÍA
It's an Apple. And they're working on it.

CARMEN
Don't make jokes like that. I watch The Handmaid's Tale.
It could happen.

María continues scrounging.

MARÍA
Where on earth did you put it?

CARMEN
Over by those boxes over there. No. The boxes there. Over
there.

MARÍA
Mom, there are literally boxes everywhere.

Carmen gets up. Points to a

group of boxes.

CARMEN
Here.

MARÍA
How do you keep track of all this junk? You don't even label
them.

María digs through the boxes.

CARMEN
I have a mind like a computer. I don't' need the Google or
YouTube.

MARÍA
People your age grew up on computers. You use one at work.

CARMEN
And that's what they are for. They are not supposed run
your life or be your best friend. "Alexa do this. Alexa
what is that? Alexa why did my novio dump me?"

María pulls out a long box.

MARÍA
This must be it.

CARMEN
Just don't stare at it like a headless chicken. Open it.

MARÍA
I'm nervous. Nervous but excited. Excited and nervous.
 11.

CARMEN
Then let me do it.

MARÍA
No. I got it.

María lays down the box.

She lifts off the cover.

María pulls out a wedding dress

wrapped in plastic.

MARÍA
This is it. This is your wedding dress.

CARMEN
Who's wedding dress did you expect?

MARÍA
It's just like in the photograph of you and dad.

CARMEN
I remember.

MARÍA
It's just so incredible. This moment.

CARMEN
Well, aren't you going to put it on?

María zips opens the plastic

covering the dress and pulls
it out.

She basks in the glory of the

dress, as she presses it against
herself.

MARÍA
Just imagine twenty years ago you were wearing this dress in
that small chapel outside of Oaxaca with all our Mexican
family in attendance. And, oh, look. Here's the stain where
you spilled tequilla at the toast.

CARMEN
There's a stain?

María indicates where the spot

is.

Carmen inspects it.

 12.

CARMEN
Who knew?

MARÍA
You, of course.

CARMEN
Try it on already.

She starts to put on the dress,

but is having a little trouble.

MARÍA
It's a little tight.

Continues to struggle with the

dress.

MARÍA
Mom, can you help me?

Carmen helps to no avail and

just as quickly resigns from
the task.

MARÍA
What's wrong?

CARMEN
It doesn't fit.

MARÍA
I thought you said I was the same size you were when you
were twenty?

CARMEN
It was so long ago. I can't remember. We'll have to take
it out. There is not enough paño, so we will have to replace
the lace stitching.

MARÍA
I want to wear it just as it is--without alteration.

CARMEN
Don't be silly. Just buy a new one.

MARÍA
But I always dreamed of getting married in your dress--the
one you brought across the border from Mexico to Arizona.

CARMEN
But it doesn't fit.
 13.

MARÍA
I know.

CARMEN
So you'll have to buy a new one.

MARÍA
I'll lose weight. I'll diet and exercise, so I can fit into
your dress.

CARMEN
(starts laughing.)
You? Lose weight? I can't even keep your hand away from
the cookie jar. Always after my pan dulces.

MARÍA
I can do it.

CARMEN
So you can look like a skinny white girl for your gringo
husband.

MARÍA
I'm not doing it for him. Besides, he doesn't care.

CARMEN
That's what you think.

MARÍA
All men aren't into Barbie dolls and D cups.

CARMEN
Tell that to Sofía Vergara.

MARÍA
I'm doing this for me -- for tradition. It was the one thing
of value you brought from Mexico. After I get married with
your dress, I'll preserve it just like you did, and if I
have a daughter, she, God willing, will wear it on her wedding
day.

CARMEN
Que hermoso sentimentalismo.

Carmen takes a moment to savor

the romantic sentiment, then --

CARMEN
But you'll never do it.

MARÍA
Of course, I will.
 14.

CARMEN
Come downstairs and we will look on that internet thing for
a new dress.

MARÍA
No. I want to be married in this dress -- as it is.

CARMEN
It's just a dress.

MARÍA
It's our family, our history.

CARMEN
Why do you place such importance on such things?

MARÍA
Because it's the closest way I can be to my father.

CARMEN
He died when you were so young. You barely remember him.

MARÍA
That's why this is so important.

CARMEN
¿Eres serioso?

María nods.

Carmen gets up.

CARMEN
Here. Let me check.

Carmen pulls the opening in

the back of the dress as close
together as possible.

MARÍA
What are you doing?

Carmen releases the fabric.

CARMEN
You will need to lose fifteen pounds.

MARÍA
Fifteen pounds in three months. I can do that.

CARMEN
If you say so.
 15.

MARÍA
I will be married in this wedding dress if it kills me.

CARMEN
Don't say such things. Besides, it's me who should fear for
her life.

MARÍA
Why?

CARMEN
I've seen you when you're hungry.

María is about to playfully

punch her mother.

She pulls back her fist, and

both women laugh.

MARÍA
Just help me get this dress downstairs.

Carmen helps María carry the

dress down the stairs.

CARMEN
Benjamin better watch out también.

MARÍA
You think I'll eat him too.

CARMEN
No. But he may ask for a divorce before you two even get
married.

MARÍA
Mom!

CARMEN
I can't help it if I'm a comedian.
 16.

SCENE 2: BENJAMIN AND DONNIE'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM

Donnie gets snacks ready as

BENJAMIN looks at the wall
(which is the fourth wall facing
the audience.)

BENJAMIN
Why did you put up five flat screens on the wall?

DONNIE
So I can watch every game on Sunday. You know how serious I
am about my fantasy league. Besides, you're moving out.
Now I can do whatever I want.

BENJAMIN
Right. Wait till Rosie sees this when she gets back from
Puerto Rico. All those flat screens are coming down.

DONNIE
What are you talking about? I ain't whupped. You're the
one that's whupped.

Benjamin takes out his

smartphone.

BENJAMIN
Maybe I should take a picture of it right now and send it to
her.

Donnie puts Benjamin's arm

down.

DONNIE
Don't do that.

BENJAMIN
I thought you said you aren't whupped.

DONNIE
You know I can't admit that.

BENJAMIN
Got you by the balls, huh?

Benjamin sits on the couch.

DONNIE
Now come on. You're as whupped as I am.

BENJAMIN
María lets me put my feet on the coffee table.
 17.

Benjamin puts his feet on the

coffee table.

DONNIE
Cut that out.

Donnie snaps a kitchen towel

or smacks at Benjamin's feet.

Benjamin dutifully puts his

feet down.

DONNIE
You trying to get me in trouble?

BENJAMIN
Just speaking truth to power.

DONNIE
You're lucky that María isn't as high-strung as Rosie, and,
no, you didn't just hear me say that.

BENJAMIN
Look, I get it. I understand.

Benjamin gets up from the couch

and helps bring the snacks to
the coffee table.

DONNIE
I don't think you do.

BENJAMIN
She likes things a certain way, and if they're not . . .

DONNIE
I'm sleeping on the couch. That's why I only piss her off
Sunday, Monday, and on the occasional Thursday night during
the fall?

BENJAMIN
What? Why?

DONNIE
So I can sit here and watch the game. I keep the volume
down real low, so she doesn't even know what I'm doing.

BENJAMIN
A man sneaking around in his own house.

DONNIE
I do what I gotta do to--you know what I'm talking about.
 18.

BENJAMIN
I know. Just wish it wasn't so hard.

DONNIE
To please a woman? All you got do is do whatever she says,
but, even more important, do the things she doesn't say.

BENJAMIN
What?

DONNIE
If a woman likes a piece of jewelry at the jewelry store,
she isn't going to say, "Buy me those earrings." She's going
to say, how pretty they are, how they sparkle, how they bring
out the color in her eyes. But if Valentine's day or her
birthday rolls around and you haven't bought those pearly
little lobe ornaments, expect to check-in to the doghouse
motel for awhile, cause you ain't getting nooky anytime soon.

BENJAMIN
Not all women are like that.

DONNIE
It doesn't have to be anything material or expensive. It
could be giving her a compliment or showing her appreciation
or, and this one is important, admitting you're wrong --
even though you secretly know that you're right. All those
little things smooth out the bumps in a relationship and
keeps your slick willy waxed.

Donnie cracks himself up.

Benjamin, however, is unamused.

DONNIE
Besides, you've got the perfect wife -- I beg your pardon,
wife-to-be. María doesn't care how much or how often you
fuck-up. She still loves you anyway.

BENJAMIN
Yeah. She does, doesn't she?

Benjamin plops on the couch,

looking slightly dazed.

DONNIE
What's wrong?

BENJAMIN
It's nothing.

DONNIE
My brother from a white mother I've known you too long to
know when something 's not correct. Spill it.
 19.

BENJAMIN
It's just that . . .

DONNIE
Yesssssssssss . . .

BENJAMIN
The thing is . . .

DONNIE
Keep going.

BENJAMIN
What I mean to say . . .

DONNIE
SPIT IT OUT.

BENJAMIN
María wants to lose fifteen pounds.

DONNIE
Fifteen pounds?

BENJAMIN
Uh-huh.

DONNIE
What did you do?

BENJAMIN
What do you mean what did I do? She wants to fit into her
mother's wedding dress.

DONNIE
What did you do?

BENJAMIN
I told you I didn' do anything. I told her I loved her
whatever size she is.

DONNIE
What did you do?

BENJAMIN
I don't know.

DONNIE
Well, you had to have done something.

BENJAMIN
It's important to her. To wear her mother's wedding dress.
And she can't fit into it. And there's not enough fabric to
adjust it, and she won't even consider buying another dress.
 20.

DONNIE
You mean María has a problem and you're not the cause of it?

BENJAMIN
Not that I know of.

DONNIE
There are still miracles in the world.

BENJAMIN
I just don't know what to do. I want to be supportive. But
I don't want her to think that I think she's prettier or
more attractive or a better person because . . .

DONNIE
She sliced some dice, fleeced some grease, slabbed some flab?

BENJAMIN
Yes.

DONNIE
Then don't sweat it.

BENJAMIN
What do you mean, "Don't sweat it."

DONNIE
Don't -- sweat -- it.

BENJAMIN
I'm freaking out.

DONNIE
She already knows you're not like other guys.

BENJAMIN
You mean other guys like you.

DONNIE
You know I'm a recovering douche-a-holic.

BENJAMIN
They have twelve step programs for that?

DONNIE
What I'm saying is she knows you're not into . . .

BENJAMIN
Into what?

DONNIE
The skinny white girl thing.
 21.

BENJAMIN
There's a skinny white girl thing?

DONNIE
Look at any advertisement, commercial, news anchor on Fox.
All you see is skinny white girl, skinny white girl, skinny
white girl, skinny mixed-race girl, skinny white girl.
Somehow you didn't catch the disease. I've never seen you
with a skinny girl or a white girl. There's something wrong
with people who don't date within their own race.

BENJAMIN
Rosie's white.

DONNIE
She's Puerto Rican. Not the same thing.

BENJAMIN
She looks white.

DONNIE
Don't tell her that. Benji, what I'm trying to say is that
the superficial stuff doesn't matter to you, and that's what's
wrong with you--according to the world. It's just something
most people don't understand.

BENJAMIN
But you do.

DONNIE
I understand. I just don't agree, and if you tell Rosie I
said that I will deny it like O.J trying on a glove. If it
don't fit, you must acquit.

BENJAMIN
O.J.?

DONNIE
The crime show on FX?

BENJAMIN
Oh. Right. I just wish María would stay who she is and fit
into the dress.

Donnie jumps off of the couch.

Grabs a pad of paper and a
pencil from somewhere.

BENJAMIN
What are you doing?

DONNIE
Writing down what you said, so I can use it the next time I
get in trouble with Rosie.
 22.

BENJAMIN
Give me that.

Benjamin grabs a pad of paper

and a pencil and puts them
down.

BENJAMIN
Besides, I got a more important question to ask you.

DONNIE
You know I don't do that freaky-deaky shit no more. So if
you and María want to--

BENJAMIN
What are you talking about?

DONNIE
Uh, nothing.

BENJAMIN
I wanted to ask you to be my BM.

DONNIE
I already told you I'm not into . . .

BENJAMIN
Best man.

DONNIE
What?

BENJAMIN
I want you to be my best man -- at the wedding.

DONNIE
Me? Really?

BENJAMIN
Yes, you. Really.

DONNIE
You sure? You're not just pulling my pants over my leg?

BENJAMIN
Why would I be . . .

DONNIE
Oh, man. I don't know what to say?

BENJAMIN
Say you'll do it.
 23.

DONNIE
Do it, man? I already got the bachelor party all planned
out. Drinks and strippers and all kinds of crazi --

BENJAMIN
No bachelor party.

DONNIE
What's the point of being a best man if there's no bachelor
party?

BENJAMIN
You really think Rosie 's going to let you go to a bachelor
party that you plan.

DONNIE
No. Doesn't mean a man can't dream.

BENJAMIN
Just stand by my side when I say my vows. Oh, and deliver
the best man speech at the reception.

DONNIE
Fine. I'll be the best man for your "no fun" wedding.

BENJAMIN
No fun wedding? I know how rosy your Rosie gets at weddings.

DONNIE
That's true which means even more nooky for me. I'm going
to best man the hell out of this wedding and give the best
damn best man speech anyone has ever heard.

BENJAMIN
Just keep everything short and sweet and nice and simple.

DONNIE
I can do that. Trust. Anyway, the games are about to come
on. We'll talk about my best man duties during the half-
times.

Benjamin and Donnie take their

seats on a couch.

DONNIE
Come on, Mahomes, come on Gurley. Papa 's got to win a brand
new tux and a pair of alligator slippers.

BENJAMIN
Mahomes and Gurley? Where's your team loyalty?

DONNIE
To my fantasy team. That's the only team that counts.
(MORE)
 24.

DONNIE (CONT'D)
And team Rosie. Go Rosie! Hey, what's you're girl doing
today, anyway?

BENJAMIN
Her cousin Conchíta is coming over her mom's house to practice
hairstyles for the wedding.

DONNIE
But the wedding is like three months away.

BENJAMIN
What can I say? María likes to be prepared.
 25.

SCENE 3: GARCÍA HOME - LIVING ROOM

María sits in a chair with a

salon cape around her, as
CONCHÍTA, her tattooed cousin
works on María's hair. Conchíta
is a 50s styled rockabilly
Mexican Betty Page with sugar
skull tattoos and other Day of
the Dead iconography on the
left side of her shoulder and
arm.

The wedding dress is laid across

a rocking chair or other
furnishing US. María's huge
wedding planning book is also
placed somewhere in the living
room. These two items will
always be in the same location,
except when Carmen takes the
wedding planning book to
Benjamin's and Donnie's
apartment. The book will return
to it's place in the living
room after that scene.

CONCHÍTA
I don't' understand what's with you and this dress.

MARÍA
It was mom's dress, and I want to wear it for my wedding.

CONCHÍTA
But it doesn't fit.

MARÍA
I know.

CONCHÍTA
Doesn't that tell you something?

MARÍA
Yes, that I have to lose fifteen pounds.

CONCHÍTA
Maybe you're not meant to wear it.

MARÍA
Of course, I'm meant to wear it. You didn't growup hearing
stories about how your mother carried a wedding dress through
tunnels and across the desert, evading border guards and
trigger-happy ranchers, so that she could make a better life
for her family -- for me.
 26.

CONCHÍTA
So that's the story.

MARÍA
Is there another?

CONCHÍTA
(suddenly defensive)
No.
(then)
I just get your mother's stories mixed-up. She changes them
all the time.

MARÍA
She's told me the same story since I was five.

CONCHÍTA
Then it must be true.

MARÍA
It is.

CONCHÍTA
I'm not arguing.

Conchíta continues working on

María's hair.

CONCHÍTA
I just don't understand why women feel like they need to fit
into something -- a new dress, a pair of Manolo's -- the
cliqua of snooty soccer moms at school. You should want to
be yourself for yourself.

MARÍA
Why does everyone think I'm changing who I am because I choose
to lose fifteen pounds?

CONCHÍTA
Because fifteen pounds of you will be gone. Plus, there
will be fifteen pounds less of you to love.

Conchíta pinches María's

lovehandles.

María swats her away.

MARÍA
Basta ya.
(then)
I'm still the same person --
(indicates head)
-- up here.
 27.

CONCHÍTA
Anything we do to our bodies changes a woman.

MARÍA
Well, it won't happen it me.

CONCHÍTA
Ay, you've already changed.

MARÍA
What do you mean?

CONCHÍTA
You've become more irritable.

MARÍA
If everyone would just relax and not make such a big deal
out of something that is not a big deal, I wouldn't be so
irritable.

CONCHÍTA
You're right. Judy is always trying to fatten me up. "You
look so thin, Chiquíta, you need to eat. Put some skin on
those bones." She's always leaving sweets around the house,
buttering my toast when I'm not looking, substituting my
yogurt for ice cream.

MARÍA
Most women would die for a relationship like that.

CONCHÍTA
I don't want to get gorda. Not that I have anything against
fat. I like having an attractive figure. But I eat sensibly
and workout because it makes me happy. I don't do it to fit
into a dress or even make my esposo happy.

MARÍA
Don't you mean your wife?

CONCHÍTA
We both decided that she was the man in the relationship.

MARÍA
I'm just doing this to fit into my mother's dress. After
the wedding I can gain it all back and then some. I can
become as big as this house.

CONCHÍTA
If you say so.

MARÍA
I do. How's my hair look?
 28.

CONCHÍTA
I'm almost there.

Conchíta continues to style

María's hair.

MARÍA
I'm not one of those people.

CONCHÍTA
What people?

MARÍA
Obsessed with their weight.

CONCHÍTA
We live in America. Everyone is obsessed with how much they
weigh.

MARÍA
Not me.

CONCHÍTA
You better hope they don't take away your green card for
saying that.

MARÍA
You know I'm a Dreamer.

CONCHÍTA
And you're dreaming if the cabróns in Washington will let
you stay in this country.

MARÍA
They just can't kick me out. It's un-American.

CONCHÍTA
I've been watching The Handmaid's Tale. It could happen.

MARÍA
Why is everyone in our family obsessed with that show? It's
not even a telenovela.

CONCHÍTA
Because it's what this country is becoming. Why women have
to do things, be things, in order to live, to survive.

MARÍA
Well, fifteen pounds isn't going to make a difference in the
world.

CONCHÍTA
Fifteen pounds now. Becoming a human baby-making machine
later. It's a slippery slope.
 29.

MARÍA
I'm not having this conversation. Are you done yet?

CONCHÍTA
Yes. Take a look.

Conchíta pulls out a mirror.

María look at herself.

MARÍA
Bellisima. Has anyone ever told you you have great style?

CONCHÍTA
I wouldn't be hairdresser if I didn't.

MARÍA
Thanks, Chíta. This will look perfect for the wedding.

CONCHÍTA
Just don't do anything crazy with this whole weight loss
thing.

MARÍA
Oh, don't worry. I have the whole thing planned out.

María shows Conchíta her diet

planning book.

MARÍA
Here's what I will eat. How many calories. My workout
routine. Weight chart.

CONCHÍTA
You shouldn't eat so many supplements. You know it's not
real food. And a 750 calories a day? You can't survive on
that.

MARÍA
It's just a target.

CONCHÍTA
Well make a bigger target.

MARÍA
Can't you just be supportive?

CONCHÍTA
Not if this is your plan.

MARÍA
Fine.
 30.

María writes something in the

diet planning book.

MARÍA
There. I added an apple a day.

CONCHÍTA
An apple is less than a hundred calories.

MARÍA
Okay. I'll stick in a granola bar too.

CONCHÍTA
No es seguro.

MARÍA
I'll be careful. I won't do anything crazy.

CONCHÍTA
Just don't forget the reason you're getting married.

MARÍA
Tax deductions? I'm kidding. I'm getting married because I
love Benji, and I want to spend my life together with him.

CONCHÍTA
Good. Because I think you forget sometimes.

MARÍA
I would never forget that. I know marriage is more than a
dress.

CONCHÍTA
This isn't about the dress. It's about you fitting into it.

Conchíta wraps up the salon

cape and exits.

MARÍA
What's that supposed to mean?

María walks after Conchíta.

MARÍA
Chíta, Chíta. You're still coming to the cake tasting?
Chíta!
 31.

SCENE 4: BENJAMIN AND DONNIE'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM

Benjamin and Donnie remove cake samples from boxes and place
them on dishes.

DONNIE
Explain this to me again. Why we are having the cake tasting
here?

BENJAMIN
María wants to stay away from temptation. If she's at home,
there's a greater urge --

DONNIE
-- to pig out?

BENJAMIN
-- eat things she isn't supposed to.

The two continue setting up

for a moment.

DONNIE
Then why is she coming to the cake tasting?

BENJAMIN
Even though she refuses to eat cake, she still wants to be
part of the decision.

DONNIE
That is cray-cray. Man, I can't wait for you to move out.
I can handle Rosie's insanity -- and, no, you didn't hear me
say that -- but you and María that's a whole other world --
another dimension -- of loco's tacos.

BENJAMIN
You know you'll miss me.

DONNIE
Miss you? Now that's a laugh. Ha!

BENJAMIN
Not even a little?
(then, playfully)
Not even a teensy-weensy bit.

DONNIE
No.

BENJAMIN
(still in a childish
voice)
Who will come over to play Xbox with you or watch football
or rub your feet?
 32.

DONNIE
You have never touched my feet.

BENJAMIN
(continues to act
ridiculous)
Who's going to laugh at your jokes even when they're not
funny or go out with you on Taco Tuesdsays?

DONNIE
First of all, all my jokes are Ha-lar-ri-ous. And second of
all, I can eat all the tacos I want by my self.

BENJAMIN
(more baby
vocalizations)
Who's going to be there for you when your fantasy team loses
the playoffs or when your dog Pepe died?

DONNIE
Will you cut it out with the creepy voice?

BENJAMIN
Not until you say you'll miss me.

DONNIE
All right. All right. I might miss you some. But I'm sure
not going to miss you showing me up all the time around Rosie.
(imitating Rosie)
"Do you see how Benji always asks María about where she'd
like to go before voicing his own preference?" "You see how
Benji takes his coat off and puts it around María's shoulders
when they're walking in the cold?" "You see how Benji doesn't
question whether María is having her period when she's in a
bad mood?"

BENJAMIN
What about all the times I get you out of trouble?

DONNIE
I admit you got me there. Rosie would have dumped my ass a
long time ago if it wasn't for you explaining away half of
the dumb shit I've done and all of the dumb shit I've said.
(suddenly becoming
emotional)
I'm going to be in so such a mess now that you're gone.

BENJAMIN
You'll be able to handle it -- handle Rosie.

DONNIE
You really think so?
 33.

BENJAMIN
Uh, no. Nobody can handle Rosie.

DONNIE
(continues to whine)
I know.

BENJAMIN
But as long as you treat her right, don't try to control
her, and never ever speak down to her, I think she may keep
you around.

DONNIE
I sure hope so. I don't want to go back to chasing hoochie
mamas and getting drinks dumped on my head at the club.

BENJAMIN
Let's just get back to these cakes. María and her --

The doorbell chimes.

BENJAMIN
Guess they're here.

Benjamin goes to open the door.

María, Carmen, and Conchíta

are standing in the doorway.
Carmen is carrying María's
massive wedding planning book,
and María is carrying her diet
planning book under her arm.

MARÍA
We're here to try cakes. Well, everyone but me.

María gives Benjamin a peck on

the lips, and all three women
enter.

Everyone in the apartment offers

greetings ad lib.

BENJAMIN
(to Carmen)
You need any help with that?

CARMEN
Carrying my daughter's wedding planning book is a burden I
am willing to bear.

Carmen walks to the coffee

table and plops the book down
with a loud thud.
 34.

Meanwhile, Conchíta has been

staring at the fourth wall.

CONCHÍTA
What's this?

BENJAMIN
Donnie, put up a bunch of flat panel tv screens on the wall,
so he can watch all the football games on Sunday.

CARMEN
Rosie is not going to like this.

DONNIE
Why does everyone keep saying that?

CONCHÍTA
Because she has your cajones wrapped around her little finger.

DONNIE
That's not --

All three women snap their

heads in Donnie's direction.

DONNIE
Who am I kidding? She's the boss.

MARÍA
But you still love her, anyway.

DONNIE
I really do. Now you all heard me say that, right?

CARMEN
We heard you.

CONCHÍTA
Doesn't mean we believe you.

DONNIE
Come on. Benji?

BENJAMIN
Oh, I learned a long time ago to stay out of these
discussions.

MARÍA
They're only messing with you. No one 's going to bad mouth
you to Rosie.

CARMEN
I'm not agreeing to anything.
 35.

MARÍA
Mom?

CARMEN
Just make sure you get rid of all these tvs when she gets
back from her trip.

CONCHÍTA
She still helping rebuild the island?

BENJAMIN
I hear Donnie moan -- mention it -- every day.

MARÍA
Well, good for her.

DONNIE
I just hope she'd hurry up and fix Puerto Rico, so we can
get back to our own lives.

CARMEN
She is doing something good. You should be proud of her.

DONNIE
Why should I -- I mean, I am. I'm super proud. Mucho proudo.

BENJAMIN
Maybe we should layoff the third degree.

CARMEN
Who's interrogating him?

CONCHÍTA
When women gather together to talk to a man about his
relationship with his novia, it's an interrogation.

MARÍA
Besides, I thought we were here to try some cakes.

DONNIE
Yes. Thank God. The cakes.

Donnie rushes to the counter

and, during the following,
places dishes with cake samples
on the coffee table. He doesn't
put any on the wedding planning
book.

María and Benjamin sit on one

side of the couch and Carmen
and Conchíta sit on the other.
 36.

María is sitting in front of

the wedding planner, so she is
never in front of one of the
slices of cake.

BENJAMIN
How have you been doing?

MARÍA
Great. Fantastic. I've been sticking to my diet, exercise
regimen. Weigh-ins. It's going really well. I mean great.
Really great.

Carmen and Conchíta buzz their

lips.

MARÍA
What?

CARMEN
Nothing.

CONCHÍTA
I didn't say anything.

MARÍA
(back to Benjamin)
I'm eating right. Working out in the morning and also when
I get back from work. I have so much more energy now.
Feeling so good.

Carmen and Conchíta buzz their

lips again.

MARÍA
What is it?

CARMEN
Nada. Everything is maravilloso.

CONCHÍTA
We're all as happy as castanets.

MARÍA
(again returning to
Benjamin)
I'm right on track. Right on track to fit into my mother's
wedding dress. And it's all because of this.
(opens diet plan
book to show to
Benjamin)
This is what I eat every day and here are my different
exercise routines and my weight chart.
 37.

BENJAMIN
(trying to be as
supportive as
possible)
Interesting.

MARÍA
It hasn't been easy, a challenge really. But it's worth it.
So worth it.

Again Carmen and Conchíta

bristle.

MARÍA
All right that's the third time the two of you buzzed your
lips at what I said.

Carmen and Conchíta look at

one another, then --

CONCHÍTA
You have a short fuse?

MARÍA
(stands in effrontery)
WHAT?!
(then realizing she
has just confirmed
her cousin's
accusation, María
sits back down
demurely and softly
says)
I mean, what?

CARMEN
And every night you sneak downstairs to raid the refrigerator.

MARÍA
Only to look inside.

CARMEN
I guess that explains the missing molé.

BENJAMIN
I'm sure María has had her struggles, but the important thing
is that we're here to support her.

MARÍA
Thank you, Benji.

CARMEN
I don't agree.
 38.

CONCHÍTA
Neither do I.

CARMEN
What do you think, Donald?

DONNIE
This is a trap, right? No matter what I say I'll piss someone
off. I plead the fifth.

He rushes off to get forks.

BENJAMIN
Why don't we try the cakes? It's the reason why we're all
here.

MARÍA
YES! Try the cakes -- everybody but me I mean.

CARMEN
I will try the cake, but only because I don't want to eat
anything that will make me throw up at the wedding.

CONCHÍTA
And it will make Judy happy that I ate carbs today.

BENJAMIN
Great. What do we have?

DONNIE
This one is cajeta de chocolate. And here we have
carlota de limón. This one 's tres leches. And, of course,
we have a flan cake.

CARMEN
What's this one?

DONNIE
Oh, that's white people cake.

BENJAMIN
It's angel food cake.

Carmen and Conchíta grunt in

displeasure.

MARÍA
I'm sure it will be fine even though I'm not tasting it.

DONNIE
Well, everyone grab a fork, and dig in.

BENJAMIN
Which should we try first?
 39.

CONCHÍTA
I've always had a hankering for chocolate -- when I eat it.

DONNIE
Cajeta de chocolate it is.

Everyone save María samples

the sample; however, María, a
little too eagerly, watches
them eat.

CARMEN
Ay, this is so good.

CONCHÍTA
Melts right in your mouth.

BENJAMIN
It is tasty, isn't it?

DONNIE
Oh, this one is mine.

Donnie takes everyone's plates

with the cajeta de chocolat.

DONNIE
You all can try the rest.

Donnie goes to the kitchen

counter to eat/devour the
chocolate cake.

MARÍA
So chocolate is a possibility.

DONNIE
If I had to chose between this cake and Rosie, I would choose
cake, and --

EVERYONE EXCEPT DONNIE

-- we know, we didn't hear you say that.

DONNIE
Just checking.

Donnie continues to eat the

cake, letting out little moans
of pleasure.

BENJAMIN
What should we try next?
 40.

CARMEN
How about the limón.

CONCHÍTA
After the chocolate?

CARMEN
I like my sour with my sweet.

BENJAMIN
Let's dig into the limón. Donnie?

DONNIE
(still chowing down
on the chocolate
cake)
Irm . . . goo.

Benjamin, Carmen, and Conchíta

take their plates and "dig
in."

María continues to salivate

with every bite the cake tasters
make.

CONCHÍTA
Oh, the taste of the limón is so tart, so refreshing.

CARMEN
Ay, mi. I've never tasted anything so bueno.

BENJAMIN
Wow! Wow! This is --

Benjamin notices María forming

at the mouth.

BENJAMIN
-- it tastes all right.

CONCHÍTA
All right? You need to taste it again.

Conchíta stuffs a mouthful of

baked goodness into Benjamin's
mouth.

Benjamin's face brightens.

CONCHÍTA
Ah, see. It is good, isn't it?

Benjamin nods.
 41.

CARMEN
(to María)
I can't believe you won't try one of these cakes--even un
poquito sabor.

MARÍA
No. I'm okay. Need to stick to the plan. Stick-to-the-
plan.

CONCHÍTA
(waves a spoonful
of límon in María's
face)
Come on. Not even a little taste.

MARÍA
I'm just happy to know that you like the cake. Can we move
on?

CARMEN
A cake such as this is supposed to be savored -- relished.

CONCHÍTA
It can't be rushed.

MARÍA
Just want to make sure we -- I mean everyone but me -- can
get through them all.

BENJAMIN
Honey, we will. We have all afternoon. Nothing is going to
stop the three of us --

DONNIE
(still chowing down
at the rear counter)
-- four.

BENJAMIN
-- from finishing these cakes.

MARÍA
Good. So what's next?

CARMEN
(finger going between
the two options)
Tres leches or the flan. The flan or tres leches.

Carmen's fingers continue to

point between the two options
while María's head and eyes
follow like a hawk.
 42.

CONCHÍTA
I can't decide.

CARMEN
Benjamin?

BENJAMIN
I still have the taste of límon in my mouth.

CARMEN
Es una decisión muy difícil.

CONCHÍTA
Which one should we save for last? Which one should we eat
next?

CARMEN
Who could go wrong with tres leches or flan?

CONCHÍTA
Both excellent options.

BENJAMIN
And there's still the angel food cake.

CARMEN
That one doesn't count.

CONCHÍTA
How to decide? How to decide?

CARMEN
Decisiones, decisiones, decisions.

MARÍA
JUST PICK ONE! I mean just choose one or the other. It
doesn't matter.

BENJAMIN
Why don't we try the tres leches?

CARMEN
I thought we weren't in a hurry.

CONCHÍTA
We'll try the tres leches if that will make you happy.

MARÍA
Yes, please.

BENJAMIN
All right. Let's give it a taste.
 43.

Everyone except Donnie, who is

still downing the chocolate
cake and María who isn't eating
any cake, take a bite of the
tres leches.

CONCHÍTA
Oh, my. I have never tasted a tres leches like this before.

CARMEN
I think I have died and gone to heaven.

BENJAMIN
Mmm. This is good.

CARMEN
Donald, you sure you don't want some?

Donnie simply bats his hand as

he continues to gorge although
gorge may not be the appropriate
word. Donnie has been eating
the chocolate cake for a while.
He is perhaps savoring each
bite.

CONCHÍTA
I just want it to sit in my mouth forever.

MARÍA
It's that good, huh?

Benjamin, Carmen, and Conchíta

moan in agreement or ad lib
other expressions of approval.

MARÍA
Well, it looks like we have a winner. Tres leches for the
wedding cake.

DONNIE
(again with a
mouthful of food)
I fink ew shou go wi choco late.

CARMEN
We still have another cake to try, and whatever this gringo
pastel is.

MARÍA
But if we already know that tres leches is the best, there
is no need to try the other cakes.
 44.

CONCHÍTA
We will only know it's the best once we try them all.

CARMEN
Who knows maybe this angel dump cake may surprise us.

CONCHÍTA
And you know how your mother loves flan.

CARMEN
Ay, flan. What would I be, who would I be, without flan.

BENJAMIN
There's only two more left to go. We can do this.

CARMEN
I agree.

CONCHÍTA
So do I.

BENJAMIN
Donnie?

Donnie gives two thumbs up

with a mouthful of cake in his
mouth.

BENJAMIN
Shall we try the flan?

MARÍA
Let's think about this for a minute. Tres leches is a
perfectly good cake for a wedding. And you know what they
say, "best to quit when you're ahead." I'm fine with tres
leches or the límon or the cajeta de chocolate -- even the
angel food cake.

CARMEN
We can't have a cake for a wedding we haven't tried.

CONCHÍTA
And I am not adding an inch to my thighs without knowing
whether it's worth it. We have to make sure we chose the
best.

CARMEN
And we won't know until we try them all -- even the yanqui
cake.

MARÍA
Benji?
 45.

BENJAMIN
Only two more cakes to go.

CONCHÍTA
Maybe we should try the angel food cake before the flan --
save the best for last.

MARÍA
Hey, we got that cake from one of the finest bakeries in
town. It will definitely give the flan a run for the money.

CARMEN
We'll see. Fine. Let's taste this white people cake.

Benjamin, Carmen, and Conchíta

picks up the angel food cake
and --

CARMEN
(as soon as the
cake touches her
lips, she puts it
down)
Es un poco sosete.

CONCHÍTA
(likewise barely
tastes it)
It has no flavor.

BENJAMIN
You haven't even given it a chance.

CARMEN
Well, what do you think?

Benjamin puts the cake in his

mouth and then spits it out.

BENJAMIN
You're right. It tastes flat.

CONCHÍTA
Y seco.

BENJAMIN
Right. Dry.

The cake tasters put down the

angel food cake.

CARMEN
Now for the flan.
 46.

Carmen picks up plate of flan.

María grabs the plate from her

mother.

MARÍA
Why don't we just declare flan the winner?

CARMEN
We already said we would try them all, and this is the last
of the samples left.

Carmen grabs the plate back.

MARÍA
But if you already had the best why go any further.

María takes the plate from her

mother once more.

CARMEN
Because we don't know that yet.

Carmen takes the plate from

María again.

Conchíta intervenes and puts

the flan back on the coffee
table.

CONCHÍTA
It's only flan. What harm could there be?

BENJAMIN
We're almost done.

DONNIE
(still with cake in
his mouth'')
Whe I fins this cake. I'm com ing for th res.

MARÍA
(giving up)
All right. Try the flan.

CARMEN
(points to one of
the samples)
I want this piece.

CONCHÍTA
(indicates the same
sample)
That one is for me.
 47.

CARMEN
I saw it first.

CONCHÍTA
It has my name written on it.

MARÍA
They're all the same damn piece of cake!

CARMEN
My, who knew a cake tasting could be so contentious.

CONCHÍTA
We are doing this for your wedding.

MARÍA
Just eat the cake.

CARMEN
Parete, parete.

BENJAMIN
María, you're being rude.

MARÍA
I'm trying to help you all through this.

CONCHÍTA
We don't need any help.

CARMEN
(to María)
You're the one that needs help.

BENJAMIN
(to María)
Do you want me to take you home?

MARÍA
No. I'm fine. Really. I'm here to listen to your
suggestions on which cake we should have for the wedding and
that is what I am going to do. Definitely going to do.

BENJAMIN
(to María)
But if this is stressing you out.

MARÍA
I am not stressing out. I am completely unstressed.

CONCHÍTA
Said one diva to another.
 48.

MARÍA
Go on. Eat the cake.

CARMEN
Now I don't feel like eating it.

MARÍA
EAT IT!

CARMEN
Bueno. If you insist.

Benjamin pulls María aside.

BENJAMIN
(whispers)
If this is a problem, maybe you should . . .

MARÍA
Just sit down and eat cake too.

María pushes Benjamin back

down on the couch.

BENJAMIN
I guess we should eat the cake.

María paces behind the tasters

on the couch.

CARMEN
I don't see what the fuss is all about.

BENJAMIN
(whispers)
I think we better just eat it before María bites our heads
off.

CONCHÍTA
(whispers)
Claro que sí. Hunger can drive a woman mad.

The three smile back at María.

She growls.

CARMEN
Hurry. Get those forks in your mouth.

Carmen and Conchíta pick up

the plates of flan and hurriedly
take a bite.
 49.

Benjamin grabs his, but has

not taken a bite yet.

Carmen and Conchíta chew and

lip smack and roll their
tongues.

Benjamin is about to bite down

on his when -- Carmen suddenly
gets up.

CARMEN
Oh, mio. Oh, mio, oh, mio, oh mio.

MARÍA
What's wrong?

CARMEN
I'm going to have . . . have . . .

BENJAMIN AND DONNIE

What is it?

CARMEN
Un orgasmo!

CONCHÍTA
I think I am too.

Carmen and Conchíta gets up

and starts writhing and making
ecstatic outbursts while
spooning herself pieces of
cake.

CONCHÍTA
Oh, oh, aiyyyyyyyyyy!

BENJAMIN
It's just a piece of--

Carmen stuff's a bite into

Benjamin's mouth.

Then he--

BENJAMIN
Oh, god!

Benjamin gets up and paces

uncomfortably (i.E., like he
has a massive erection.)
 50.

BENJAMIN
Oh, god! Oh, god! Oh, god!

DONNIE
(who has either
finished or stopped
eating the chocolate
cake)
How can a piece of cake do --

Benjamin spoons a piece of

cake into Donnie's mouth.

Donnie too begins to be

overtaken.

DONNIE
My mouth. My mouth is exploding with deliciousness. Give
me some more of that cake!

Donnie grabs a plate of flan

and digs in.

MARÍA
What's happening to everyone?

Everyone, save María, is

writhing, with some on the
floor, in orgasmic pleasure
while eating the flan cake.
They are even feeding each
other in orgiastic delight.

MARÍA
This is insane. A cake can't do all this.

CARMEN
Because you haven't tried it.

CONCHÍTA
Que delicioso.

BENJAMIN
Rico. Rico. Rico.

DONNIE
Oochie-coochie. Oozie-woozie! Bowzie-wowzie!

CONCHÍTA
I am so hot.

CARMEN
Soy muy caliente.
 51.

BENJAMIN
Me too.

DONNIE
I think we all use a cold shower.

Benjamin, Carmen, Conchíta,

and Donnie rush out of the
room. The sound of a shower
running and perhaps even a few
sighs of relief are heard
offstage.

MARÍA
(calling out after
the cake tasters)
It's only cake! It's not sex. It's not . . . whatever it
is that happened here.

María wanders around the room

filled with plates with the
remaining pieces of cake.

She looks at where the cake

tasters exited, then back at
the cake samples, then returns
her gaze to the door and back
to the cakes again.

She picks up one of the plates

with some cake left.

MARÍA
I guess a tiny bite wouldn't hurt.

She takes a fork and steals a

taste.

MARÍA
I don't see what the big deal is.
(takes another bite)
Why everyone is getting so carried way . . .
(another bite)
I mean it's cake.
(bite)
C --
(bite)
-- A --
(bite)
-- K --
(bite)
-- E --
(MORE)
 52.

MARÍA (CONT'D)
(bite)
-- cake.
(with a mouthful)
This is really good. I mean really really really good.

María starts grabbing plates

and eating the remains of the
cake samples, even the angel
food cake.

MARÍA
¡Ay, Dios mío! Estas muy increíble.

María attacks the plates. She

squirms and worms like everyone
else had done previously. She
tops their level of éxtasis if
that is possible -- even rolling
around on the floor.

MARÍA
¡Muy delicioso! ¡Fantastico! ¡Maravilloso!

When each crumb and lick of

icing is eaten, she begins
licking the plates in rapturous
delight as if it were a lover.

María writhes across the stage

and climbs on the top backing
of the couch.

Benjamin, Carmen, Conchíta,

and Donnie enter with wet hair
and towels around their necks.

They watch María, as she

continues to feverishly wolf
down the remainder of the cake
samples while humping the back
of the couch.

Finally, María sees the

disapproving looks of Benjamin,
Carmen, Conchíta, and Donnie.

MARÍA
Ay!

María falls off the couch.

 53.

She immediately gets to her

feet with the plate in her
hand. A guilty expression is
written all over her face,
then--

MARÍA
I -- I couldn't help myself. It's just . . . It's been so
hard to keep to my diet and get enough exercise.

CARMEN
You should quit.

MARÍA
I'm not quitting.

CONCHÍTA
There is no shame in taking a step back -- reassessing the
situation.

BENJAMIN
If this isn't making you happy, then maybe it's not worth
it.

DONNIE
(picking up a plate)
I can't believe you licked these plates clean.

MARÍA
No. I can do this. I just need to try harder. I can do
it. I can do it. I can do it.

While María looks determined,

everyone else looks worried.
 54.

SCENE 5: GARCÍA HOME - LIVING ROOM

Carmen is on an old school

rotary phone
(https://marketplace.Apartment
therapy.Com/posts/17708-vintage-
rotary-dial-telephone-beige-
two-toned).

CARMEN
How is Delfin?

That's good. And his good-for-nothing wife?

(Between each line break Carmen

is listening to the voice on
the other end of the phone.)

CARMEN
What? She cheats on him all the time, and he keeps coming
back. I'll never understand.

Sí, sí, lo sé they have two kids. He works, takes care of

the children, while she sits around all day smoking, watching
telenovelas, and taking in lovers. He treats her like a
queen and all she sees in him is a dog she can kick around.

Don't make excuses. She's lazy. Have her doctor prescribe

her something for that.

Yes, yes, what would a divorce do for the children? As if

watching their mother take it up the ass with the plumber is
a healthy environment for raising kids.

Bien, bien. I won't bring it up again.

María? Oh, she's fine. I mean she's always in a bad mood,

can barely stand the sight of food, and exercises all the
time. I would say she's on drugs but she won't even touch
coffee. Who can live without café?

Yes, for the past three months, she has been trying to lose
fifteen pounds to fit into my wedding dress.

Tell her? What should I tell her?

Ay, no. What good can come of that?

She doesn't need to know. Once the wedding is over things

can go back to normal.

Music, treadmill, and other

workout sounds come from the
attic.
 55.

CARMEN
Well, normal for this family.

What noise? Oh, that is María exercising in the attic.

(louder)
I said that is María exercising.

What do you mean I should check on her?

She might be over-exerting herself? Your talking about my

daughter. It's the only thing she knows how to do.

Bien, bien, I will check on her. You're still coming to the

wedding? Yes, it's still next week. I will pick you up
from the airport.

Yes, voy a hacer. Voy a hacer.

Carmen hangs up the phone,

then she gets up and starts up
the stairs.

CARMEN
What we do for our children.
 56.

SCENE 6: GARCÍA HOME - ATTIC

María, in an 80s workout outfit,

crosstrains on a treadmill,
doing a series of weights and
stretches, and using the
thighmaster. She only does
each exercise for a few seconds
before jumping to the next.

A Spanish version of Bonnie

Tyler's "Holding Out for a
Hero" plays.

Carmen climbs up the steps.

She watches.

CARMEN
What is going on here?

MARÍA
Working out.

CARMEN
Yes, but you are jumping around all over the place.

MARÍA
Crossfit. Varying my exercises in a . . . short amount of
time. Burns more calories.

CARMEN
María, this is too much. I'm exhausted just watching you.
You need to slow down.

MARÍA
Can't. Dress. Wedding. Fifteen pounds.

CARMEN
Is it really worth it?

MARÍA
To--------tally.

CARMEN
You need to stop.

MARÍA
Mom, I'm okay. Really.

Carmen cuts off Bonnie Tyler.

 57.

CARMEN
I know when something is not right, and this is not right
with you.

MARÍA
Soy derecho como lluvi--

María stumbles, but quickly

picks herself up, and resumes
her workout.

CARMEN
María, parate.

MARÍA
I'm fine. Just slipped a little.

María wobbles as she gets off

the treadmill.

CARMEN
You are not okay.

MARÍA
I just . . . I just feel a little light--

María collapses.

Carmen rushes to her daughter.

She holds María in her arms

and lightly pats her face.

CARMEN
Quédate conmigo. ¡Ayudame! ¡Quédate conmigo. ¡Ayudame!
¡Ayudame! ¡Ayudame!
 58.

SCENE 7: GARCÍA HOME - LIVING ROOM

María enters gingerly supported

by Benjamin. Carmen, Conchíta,
and Donnie follow close behind.

CARMEN
Now remember what the doctor said. You need rest.

CONCHÍTA
You need to eat.

DONNIE
And you definitely need a new workout outfit. Where'd you
pick up those clothes? The 1980s?

MARÍA
I found them in one of the boxes in the attic.

CARMEN
It's not mine. It must have been your grandmother's. She
always liked to listen to Olivia Newton John and had all the
Jane Fonda tapes.

MARÍA
I found those too.

BENJAMIN
(attempts to help
María sit down)
Here. Let me help you.

MARÍA
No. I want to try on the dress.

BENJAMIN
The wedding dress?

CARMEN
I don't think that's a good idea.

CONCHÍTA
You just got home.

DONNIE
It would be better than what you're wearing now. What?

MARÍA
I want to try it on!

CARMEN
Let her try on the dress.
 59.

MARÍA
The wedding is in less than a week. I want to make sure it
will fit.

BENJAMIN
Honey, you know I love you whether or not you can fit into
the dress.

CONCHÍTA
Remember the dress is not important.

MARÍA
It is to me.

DONNIE
Let's help her try it on and be done with it.

CARMEN
Claro que sí. If this is what you want.

MARÍA
I do.

CONCHÍTA
We'll help you.

Everyone helps María try on

the outfit. There is a lot of
bumping of elbows and other
slapstickery and ad libs.
Finally --

MARÍA
My mother can help me put it on.

Carmen tries to zip up the

back, but can't.

CARMEN
It still doesn't fit.

CONCHÍTA
Let me try.

Conchíta attempts to zip María

up to no avail.

DONNIE
We got this.

Benjamin and Donnie give it

their all. The two men strain
with all their might.
 60.

CARMEN
Be careful. You might break it.

BENJAMIN
We can't do it.

The two men cease their

exertions.

María steps out of the dress.

CONCHÍTA
You did your best.

BENJAMIN
We can go pick out a new one tomorrow.

CARMEN
There's still time.

DONNIE
This dress wasn't your color, anyway.

CONCHÍTA
It's white.

DONNIE
I'm just trying to be helpful.

BENJAMIN
We can get any dress -- as long as you like it.

CARMEN
(louder)
We can go shopping now.

CONCHÍTA
The stores are still open.

MARÍA
The wedding 's off.

Benjamin, Carmen, Conchíta,

and Donnie give various ad lib
and overlapping expressions of
"What?" "¿Como?" Etc.

MARÍA
I said the wedding 's off.

María runs up the stairs.

Benjamin.
 61.

Carmen, Conchíta, and Donnie

look at each other in a state
of confusion.

CARMEN
(calling out to
María)
You shouldn't be running.
(to everyone left
downstairs)
What? She just came back from the hospital.

END OF ACT I

INTERMISIÓN
 62.

ACT II

SCENE 1: BENJAMIN AND DONNIE'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM

Benjamin paces behind the couch

on the phone.

Donnie is playing a video game

on one of the five screens or
possibly all five.

BENJAMIN
Yes, I'm sorry.
(between each line
break Benjamin is
listening to the
voice on the other
end of the phone)
No, we won't be needing the flowers.

I understand that the deposit is non-refundable.

Right.

Thank you.

Benjamin hangs up the phone.

BENJAMIN
(to Donnie)
That takes care of the priest, the church, the band, the
caterers, and the florist. Hand me the guest list.

DONNIE
Wait. You're doing all of this? And María 's the one who
called off the wedding. She won't return your calls. No
text. No email. I'm surprised she hasn't unfriended you on
Facebook.

Benjamin takes the guest list

off the coffee table.

BENJAMIN
She's going through a tough time.

DONNIE
And what about you? All I see you do is mope around. Does
she even realize how much she hurt you? Huh? And what was
it all for? A dress. To fit into some damn wedding dress.

BENJAMIN
It's something more than that. Maybe . . . maybe the two of
us are not meant to be together.
 63.

DONNIE
Don't say that. Don't you dare say that. What hope is there
for the rest of us -- for me -- if you and María can't make
it -- at least, walk down the aisle.

BENJAMIN
I don't know.

DONNIE
There is no hope.

BENJAMIN
That's not true.

DONNIE
It is. I mean I really look up to you. And it's not because
you're white. In fact, it's in spite of the fact that you're
white. I mean, when I see you and María together and how
you treat her and how she treats you, that was something I
want for me too. I'm tired of being in broken, dysfunctional
relationships where a man or his girl is always worried about
who's cheating or looking for the next best thing or thinking
only about numero uno. I want to be in a real and honest
relationship like the two of you have.

When I met Rosie, I knew she was the right person for that
kind of relationship. True, she bosses me around all the
time, and I worry about what she thinks of me even when she's
not here, but she's mi amor. And she makes me a better man.
But you helped make that change in me. Now I did some of my
own soul searching, so don't think you can take all the
credit, but I don't know if I would have gotten there as
soon as I did without you.

BENJAMIN
Thanks. That means a lot.

DONNIE
And I'm telling you that you shouldn't be the one that is
left cleaning up the broken pieces when someone else has
broken the tupperware.

BENJAMIN
How exactly do you break --

DONNIE
The point is she broke your heart. She's the one who should
be doing this shit.

BENJAMIN
Sometimes . . . sometimes, you try to ease someone else's
pain even when it's hard, when it hurts. If I can ease
María's pain, no matter what's happened between us, then I
am going to do it.
 64.

Donnie scrambles around the

apartment and grabs a piece of
paper and pen.

BENJAMIN
What are you doing?

DONNIE
Writing down what you said. You're my golden ticket to a
year's worth of bootie!

Benjamin breaks down as he

sits next to Donnie on the
couch.

BENJAMIN
I just don't know what I'm going to do without her.

Donnie doesn't know quite what

to do, then --

DONNIE
(comforting)
Don't worry, Benji. She'll come around. She has to.
(then)
I tell you what. Give me half of the list.

BENJAMIN
What? Why?

DONNIE
I can't have you looking better than me when Rosie hears
about this. If she knows I helped make the calls, I will be
looking like quite the Prince Charming.

BENJAMIN
Thanks, Donnie.

DONNIE
Don't sweat it. We all need someone to lift us up when we're
down. Did that just come out of my mouth? It did, didn't
it? And Rosie's not here to hear it? Damn! Anyway, let me
dial some digits.

Donnie holds out his hand.

Benjamin tears the sheet in

half and hands one of the halves
to Donnie.

Donnie takes the sheet and

taps in a number on his
smartphone.
 65.

DONNIE
(listens, then)
Hello, Kaleisha. This is Donnie.
(between each line
break Donnie is
listening to the
voice on the other
end of the phone)
Yes, Benjamin's friend. I have some bad news. The wedding
of María and Benji has been canceled.

Oh, you heard I was a jokester. Sorry this is no joke. The

wedding has actually been canceled.

Yes, I'm sad about it too.

What? You were looking forward to meeting me. Were you one
of the guest who was going to be at the singles table? What
are you wearing?

Really?

Benjamin gives Donnie a look.

DONNIE
(corrects himself)
I mean, yes, yes, the cancellation of the wedding is a
terrible thing. Oh, and I'm taken and I love my girlfriend
Rosie. Bye.
(Donnie hangs up to
Benjamin)
Don't worry. I'll get the hang of it. Come on. Let's make
some more calls.

Benjamin and Donnie start

dialing a number from the list.
 66.

SCENE 2: GARCÍA HOME - LIVING ROOM

Conchíta is looking through

the curtains outside, as Carmen
lays out finger foods on the
coffee table.

CONCHÍTA
Are they coming?

CARMEN
Sí, sí.

CONCHÍTA
I don't know if this is a good idea.

CARMEN
You have a better one.

CONCHÍTA
No, but you know how stubborn your daughter can be.

CARMEN
That's why it has to be this way.

Conchíta stops looking outside.

CONCHÍTA
You should tell her.

CARMEN
Tell her what.

CONCHÍTA
You know. It is about time she heard the truth.

CARMEN
What truth?

CONCHÍTA
The dress. Her father. Your husband.

CARMEN
What good would that do?

CONCHÍTA
She's doing all this because of that story you told.

CARMEN
I don't know what you're talking about. Besides, the boys
will be here any minute.

The doorbell rings.

 67.

CARMEN
Speak of the devil.

CONCHÍTA
This isn't over.

CARMEN
How can something be over if hasn't even started?

Carmen opens the door. Benjamin

and Donnie enter.

CARMEN
(to Benjamin)
¡Qué lástima! How are you holding up?

BENJAMIN
As best as possible.

DONNIE
He's handled your daughter's breakup like a champ! Unless
that's a bad thing, then he's been a complete mess.

CARMEN
I just can't believe my daughter would call off the wedding
over a dress.

CONCHÍTA
Tch, tch, tch.

CARMEN
We just need to knock some sense into her.

CONCHÍTA
Tch, tch, tch.

CARMEN
She will come around.

CONCHÍTA
Tch, tch, tch.

CARMEN
Conchíta?

CONCHÍTA
Carmen.

BENJAMIN
If this is a bad time . . .

CARMEN
No. Es el tiempo perfecto.
 68.

CONCHÍTA
(out of the side of
her mouth)
Para un huracán.

CARMEN
Come sit, sit. Eat, eat. I will call her.

Benjamin and Donnie sit down

and snack on the snacks Carmen
laid out.

CARMEN
(calls out)
Mija, come down for dinner.

A few moments pass.

CARMEN
Mija.

MARÍA (O.S.)
Not hungry.

CONCHÍTA
We made your favorite: chicharrón con chile.

MARÍA (O.S.)
Don't care!

Benjamin gets up.

BENJAMIN
It really sounds like she's not ready.

Carmen pushes Benjamin back

down on the couch.

CARMEN
The house is on fire! ¡Rapido! ¡Rapido! ¡Todos seremos
vivos quemados!

CONCHÍTA
We are not going to be burned alive.

CARMEN
She doesn't know that.

María tramples down the steps

in her nightgown.

MARÍA
Is everyone okay? What do we take? Why are you just standing
there? And what are they doing here?
 69.

CONCHÍTA
There is no fire.

CARMEN
Este es un intervención.

MARÍA
I'm going back upstairs.

Carmen, however, grabs María

before she can get away.

CARMEN
Come. We need to work this out. You can't throw you life
away because of a dress.

MARÍA
It's not the dress.

CARMEN
Oh. Well, now that that is settled you can get married.

MARÍA
It's what it represents.

CONCHÍTA
Tch, tch, tch.

CARMEN
It's just a dress.

MARÍA
How can you say that? You got married in that dress. You
brought it with you from Mexico because of the love you and
my father had for one another. And now that he's gone I
can't even . . . I can't even wear it for him.

CONCHÍTA
Tch, tch, tch.

MARÍA
What is all this tch, tch, tch.

CONCHÍTA
Something is caught between my dientes.
(indicates her teeth)

Benjamin gets up.

BENJAMIN
(to Carmen)
I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but if María
doesn't what to get married, trying to convince her is a
waste of time.
 70.

MARÍA
Thank you, Benji.

Now Donnie gets up.

DONNIE
(to Benjamin)
What are you doing?

CARMEN
(to Benjamin)
Don't you want to marry her?

DONNIE
Yes, don't you want to marry her and don't you want to marry
him.

BENJAMIN
I do, but only if she wants to get married.

CARMEN
Then a stupid dress shouldn't matter!

MARÍA
Mother!

CARMEN
What?

MARÍA
Why, why would you say it doesn't matter?

CONCHÍTA
Yes, why indeed?

Benjamin starts to head out.

BENJAMIN
I think I better go.

CARMEN
Stay.

MARÍA
If I can't honor my father, I don't know if I want to get
married. I'm going back upstairs.

CARMEN
Would every one stop por un momento.

MARÍA
There's nothing more to say.
 71.

BENJAMIN
Come on, Donnie, let's go.

Benjamin and Donnie head towards

the door.

MARÍA
I'm going back upstairs.

María heads off too.

CARMEN
NO ONE LEAVES THIS ROOM!

There's a brief silence, then

all at once--

MARÍA
I already told you/

BENJAMIN
She already said/

DONNIE
(about the food)
The chicharrón con chile does look/

CONCHÍTA
You're only making things/

CARMEN
Tu padre era un hijo de la chingada!

MARÍA
What?

CONCHÍTA
She said your father was a bastard.

MARÍA
I know what she said. I don't know why she said it.

CARMEN
I didn't drag the wedding dress across the border from Mexico
to Arizona.

MARÍA
Why would you--

CARMEN
You father sold it for plane tickets.

MARÍA
He did what--
 72.

CONCHÍTA
Listen.

CARMEN
I didn't want to sell it. Our wedding was one of the most
happiest moments of my life, but Pepíto had gambling debts
and need to get away. So we bought plane tickets here and
overstayed our visa.

MARÍA
I don't under--

CONCHÍTA
Sh. Let her finish.

CARMEN
Your father, Pepíto, was a real prince all right, charmed me
with his palabaras, with the life we were going to build
together. But he was nothing but a carbón, a drunk, and a
cheat.

MARÍA
Did he really die? Is he alive?

CARMEN
Oh, no. That part is true. He did die on a construction
site, but it was no accident. He died from his own
negligence. Stepped right into a crossbeam and fell thirty
feet.

MARÍA
But the dress?

CARMEN
I bought that after he passed away. I did order it from
Mexico -- the same one I had on my wedding day. Maybe it
was a couple of sizes smaller. But I didn't carry it over
the border. I brought it in my Honda Civic.

I made up the story about the dress because I didn't want

you to grow-up thinking your father was no good.

I'm sorry, mija. But that is the story. The real story.

Silence.

María walks in a daze and sits

on the couch.

CARMEN
Do you have anything to say?

BENJAMIN
María . . .
 73.

MARÍA
I don't even know what to think anymore. Everything of who
I thought I was, where I came from, who my father was is a
lie.

CONCHÍTA
It's not all lies.

MARÍA
The important parts are.

CARMEN
Well, now that you know the truth you can get married.

MARÍA
What?

CARMEN
You don't need the wedding dress to get married.

MARÍA
This is much more than about a dress? I don't know who I
am.

María runs upstairs.

A pall falls on María's family

and friends.

BENJAMIN
I think I better go.

Benjamin goes to the door out

of the house.

CARMEN
No. Wait.

Benjamin exits.

DONNIE
I'll bring him back.

Donnie runs out the door after

him.

CARMEN
And I will talk to my daughter.

CONCHÍTA
You really think that's a great idea?

CARMEN
I am the one responsible. I must fix this.
 74.

Carmen makes her way up the

stairs. Stops for a moment.

CARMEN
I was worried about what the true memory of her father would
do to her. But I -- I did this.

Carmen continues up the steps.

 75.

SCENE 3: GARCÍA HOME - ATTIC

María sits looking through a

box of broken Christmas
ornaments. Carmen heaves
herself up the steps and arrives
on the landing.

CARMEN
I looked for you in your bedroom, the bathroom, the closet.
You weren't in any of those places. I figured you must be
here.

MARÍA
Just another piece of crap to put in the attic.

CARMEN
You are not a piece of crap.

MARÍA
I feel like it. Why do you keep so much junk, anyway?

CARMEN
It's difficult to let go of things -- even those things that
don't work anymore.

MARÍA
Like your relationship with dad.

CARMEN
There were some good times -- in the beginning. But I fell
so hard for him that when things weren't working out anymore
I ignored the problems. As they got worse and worse, I tried
that much harder to hold on. I felt stuck. Even if I could
unstick myself, I had no where to go. I couldn't burden my
family, who already had more than enough troubles. Many of
my friends were in the same situation I was in.

MARÍA
I just can't understand why you made-up this big lie about
him. I grew up thinking that my father was this wonderful,
larger than life man.

CARMEN
Have patience, mija.

MARÍA
Patience for a lifetime of lies and deceit?

CARMEN
Everything I said wasn't a lie.

MARÍA
Is there anything else you've been lying to me about?
 76.

Carmen is silent.

MARÍA
Well, is there?

CARMEN
Fluffy, the cat you had when you were seven, didn't run away
from home. Your cousin hit him with his truck.

MARÍA
What?

CARMEN
It was an accident.

MARÍA
I searched all over the neighborhood for that furball, put
up posters -- even called the mayor's office.

CARMEN
What can I say, you were a good owner.

MARÍA
How much more of my life is filled with half-truths and fake
news?

CARMEN
Just your father and the cat -- oh, and you uncle Vicente.

MARÍA
What about tio Vicent?

CARMEN
He didn't really win a trip around the world when you were
twelve. He went to prison for embezzlement.

MARÍA
So that band around his ankle really wasn't a heart rate
monitor? Mom, you just can't make-up stories about people's
lives and expect everything to turn out all right.

CARMEN
I know that now.

MARÍA
What you did . . . it hurt, mom. It . . . really really
hurts.

CARMEN
I'm so sorry, mija.

MARÍA
And now look at me?
(MORE)
 77.

MARÍA (CONT'D)
I broke up with my fiancé who is the most wonderful man I've
ever met, called off our wedding, possibly ruined my life
and my chance at happiness.

CARMEN
Okay. That part was you're own doing.

MARÍA
Because I was led to believe in something that made me feel
special -- important -- somebody.

CARMEN
I said was sorry.

MARÍA
Sorry doesn't even cover the half of it. You might have
been trying to protect me, but you've only made things worse --
a mess like all the junk you keep in this attic.

CARMEN
Protect you? Like you needed protection.

MARÍA
Then what was all this lying for?

CARMEN
You mean why did I make up the story about the dress?

MARÍA
Yes, why?

CARMEN
Who knows.

MARÍA
Tell me.

CARMEN
It's not important. I told you what happened -- admitted my
mistake. That should be enough.

MARÍA
It isn't.

Carmen heads towards the steps.

CARMEN
Véngase, véngase. Let's go back downstairs. Make peace
with Benjamin.

MARÍA
I'm not leaving until you tell me why you did this.
 78.

CARMEN
Ay, you're so stubborn

MARÍA
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

CARMEN
Bien, bien. I will tell you.

Carmen paces the room wringing

her hands.

MARÍA
Well . . .

CARMEN
Give me a moment.

MARÍA
Just spit it out.

CARMEN
All right. All right. I didn't make up the story about
the dress, your father for you. I -- I did it for me.

MARÍA
You -- you what?

CARMEN
I was ashamed, ashamed -- that I fell for such a Don Juan.
I didn't want you to think that all men were like your father.
I've seen what happens to little girls who grow up with a
father who is a pendejo. I didn't want that for you. But I
also didn't want to explain how stupid I was for falling for
such a puto.

MARÍA
That's not your fault.

CARMEN
No es mi culpa. No es mi culpa. Of course it's my fault.

MARÍA
Everyone feels stupid for falling in love with the wrong
person.

CARMEN
It's different for a woman. We have to take responsibility
for every bad decision we make. That's why I couldn't tell
you. That I couldn't -- that I couldn't --

MARÍA
You couldn't what?
 79.

CARMEN
Admit I was a failure! I had dreams too. Dreams like yours.
Come to this country. Have a decent life. Be something
more than a house cleaner or a fast food worker. Yes, now I
work at the DMV with a computer. But that is not a dream.
That's a job.

MARÍA
I know all the sacrifices that you made for me.

CARMEN
Then you should know why -- when your dream is taken away or
lost or broken or stolen -- you need to make a new one. To
dream up a story -- in my case, a lie -- about the life you
wish you had instead of the one you have!

MARÍA
I never knew you felt this way.

CARMEN
Because a mother is supposed to suffer in silence. The
wedding dress, the story, it became my cross, the burden I
was willing bear.

MARÍA
I'm so sorry that I ruined your --

CARMEN
You didn't ruin nothing. You were the only part of my dream
that came true -- the only part that made all my troubles
mean anything. But now . . . now I've taken your dream away
just like I let your father take mine.

MARÍA
No, no, no.

CARMEN
It's true. I'm a terrible mother, una madre terible.

CARMEN cries.

MARÍA
Mom, you're the most wonderful, caring mother a daughter
could wish for. I mean you're the one who taught me to
believe in myself, encouraged me to go to college, to pursue
my dreams. I can't imagine where I'd be without you.
(reflective)
I can't imagine who I'd be.

CARMEN
(dabs at her tears
with a handkerchief)
You really think I'm a good mother?
 80.

MARÍA
A little unbalanced, yes. But good at heart, always.

CARMEN
Then everything okay between us?

MARÍA
No. It's better.

CARMEN
(finishes wiping
her face)
Just don't let what you found out about your father get in
the way of your happiness. Benjamin is the exact opposite
of Pepíto, and he loves you with all his heart, not what he
can get from you.

MARÍA
And you should think a little more highly of yourself. Yes,
you fell in love and married a bad person but you did raise
a pretty awesome daughter.

CARMEN
I did do that, didn't I? Even though este hija muy
marvavillosa drives me crazy sometimes.

MARÍA
Hey!

CARMEN
It's true, and don't you want me to tell the truth from now
on?

MARÍA
Not about everything, and not all the time. Just when it
comes to important things -- like the kind of person my father
really was or my cat dying or a member of the family going
to prison.

CARMEN
What kind of mother would I be without secrets?

MARÍA
One who cares about her family no matter how embarrassing or
how difficult things get.

CARMEN
All right. I will try.

MARÍA
Good.

Carmen looks dissatisfied.

 81.

MARÍA
What is it now?

CARMEN
Isn't this the part in the story where we as your generation
says, we "hug it out"?

MARÍA
Yes, mother.

The two women hug.

CARMEN
Now you're calling me mother. Where will the changes end?

MARÍA
As long as we live, there will be change.

CARMEN
Just don't change your body unless it is for yourself. It
shouldn't be for someone else or to fit into a dress or to
be someone you're not. Our bodies should fit who we are and
not who we are expected to be.

MARÍA
That sounds good.

CARMEN
Look at you, listening to your mother for a change.

MARÍA
Don't get used to it.

CARMEN
What about you and Benjamin?

MARÍA
I hope he'll forgive me.

CARMEN
He'd be a fool not to.

MARÍA
I hope so. I mean that he's not a fool and will take me
back.

CARMEN
Well, you better go downstairs and find out.

MARÍA
Wish me luck.

CARMEN
Besos, mi amor.
 82.

Carmen blows a kiss at her

daughter as María exits.

María's mother looks at the

box of ornaments.

CARMEN
These ornaments are still good. They have only a few pieces
missing, and you can barely see the crack in this one.
 83.

SCENE 4: GARCÍA HOME - LIVING ROOM

María descends the stairs from

above.

MARÍA
Benji, Benjamin, are you here?

She looks around.

Benjamin is not there.

Conchíta enters from the kitchen

with a plate of pan dulces.

CONCHÍTA
Donnie went to fetch him.

She places the plate on the

coffee table.

MARÍA
I made a real mess of things, didn't I?

CONCHÍTA
That's putting it mildly.

MARÍA
I just hope I'm able to work things out -- with Benji. Do
you think, he'll understand?

CONCHÍTA
If he loves you, perhaps.

MARÍA
What if he doesn't -- anymore.

CONCHÍTA
Then he's not the right man for you, but it's not the end of
the world.

Conchíta starts eating the

cookies.

MARÍA
No. Just mine.

MARÍA
You're eating sugar and carbs?

CONCHÍTA
With all the excitement today, I needed something to help me
relax.
 84.

MARÍA
Tell me about it.

María sits beside her aunt and

reaches for a pan dulce.

Conchíta slaps María's hand.

CONCHÍTA
You're on a diet, remember?

Conchíta gives María a knowing

smile and passes the plate to
her.

Conchíta rises.

CONCHÍTA
Just don't eat them all. Save some for the boys.

Conchíta exits to kitchen.

MARÍA
(calling out to her)
I don't even know if they're coming --

A scuffle is heard outside.

Suddenly the entrance door

pops open.

Donnie is pulling in something

or rather someone in from
offstage.

DONNIE
Get back in here!

BENJAMIN (O.S.)
Donnie, it's no use.

María stands up.

DONNIE
You can't give up.

BENJAMIN
She doesn't want to see me.

Donnie yanks Benjamin inside.

The two men see María standing

in the middle of the living
room.
 85.

DONNIE
She's right there.
(indicates María)
I believe you too have some things to discuss.

MARÍA
Conchíta 's in the kitchen making pan dulces.

DONNIE
Good. Cause wrestling this Shrek has given me an appetite.

Donnie exits to the kitchen.

An awkward moment of silence

passes between María and
Benjamin.

MARÍA
Hi.

BENJAMIN
Hey.

MARÍA
Why don't we take a seat?

Benjamin looks at the door

outside, considering whether
he should stay or go.

BENJAMIN
Fine.

He goes to the couch.

María and Benjamin both sit.

MARÍA
I . . . I don't even know where to begin. I've been so
foolish -- stupid even. Why did I let something as silly as
a dress come between us?

Benjamin is silent for a moment.

María waits for him to say

something--anything.

BENJAMIN
Maybe . . .

MARÍA
Yes?
 86.

BENJAMIN
Maybe . . .

MARÍA
What are you thinking?

BENJAMIN
Maybe, it's because the dress for you meant love. A thought,
an idea, so ingrained in you that you couldn't see beyond
it.

MARÍA
Perhaps.

BENJAMIN
What do you think it was?

María get up and looks upon

the dress in the chair.

MARÍA
I thought it was who I was. Who I hoped to be. Everything
I ever dreamed of was in that stupid, stupid dress.

María starts to cry.

Benjamin goes up to her.

She turns and folds into his

arms.

MARÍA
If you don't want to marry me now, I understand.

Benjamin breaks away from her.

He walks to the end of the

opposite end of the couch.

Considers for a moment, then

turns to María.

BENJAMIN
Remember the first time we met?

MARÍA
How could I forget. I spilled coffee all over you. It was
my first day of work/at the café.

BENJAMIN
/at the café.

An awkward silence.
 87.

María face expresses concern

about what might come next.

BENJAMIN
You started cleaning up the coffee with this rag, saying how
sorry you were and how you needed this job. You told me all
about your plans for the future. How you hoped to graduate
from college, become a teacher.

MARÍA
Yes, I get it. I was kind of self-involved.

BENJAMIN
I thought you were awesome.

MARÍA
And now?

BENJAMIN
I just don't know why you were willing to risk everything we
had -- we've built together. Sometimes it frightens me and
makes me wonder if what we have is truly real. If there's
any there there.

MARÍA
There is. There is so much there there. I love more than
anything -- with all my heart -- all my soul. I just lost
sight of things.

BENJAMIN
Like not watching where you were going when you spilled coffee
on me.

MARÍA
Oh, right.

María takes a step back.

MARÍA
So I guess that means it's over between us. You don't want
me anymore.

BENJAMIN
Maybe we should take a break.

Donnie comes out of the kitchen

followed by Conchíta.

DONNIE
No, no, no, no. You need to marry her, and he needs to marry
him.

CONCHÍTA
Let them settle this themselves.
 88.

Now Carmen comes downstairs.

CARMEN
Donald is right. They are meant for each other. The two of
you need to stop this foolishness.

MARÍA
I know you all want to help.

BENJAMIN
But this really needs to be between the two of us.

CARMEN
Without the family?

DONNIE
Or your best friend?

CONCHÍTA
Yes. Come on you two.

Conchíta takes Carmen and Donnie

out by the ear.

BENJAMIN
I just don't see how things can work out between us. But .
. .

MARÍA
Benji, you don't know how truly deeply sorry I am. I know I
should have thought of us.

BENJAMIN
María.

MARÍA
That I got carried away. I had all these ideas in my head,
of who I'm supposed to be--

BENJAMIN
María.

MARÍA
How the sacrifices of my parents, even my drunk ass father,
was worth it.

BENJAMIN
María.

MARÍA
That I'm worth it.

BENJAMIN
María!
 89.

MARÍA
What? What is it?

BENJAMIN
You are worth it.

MARÍA
But you just said that you didn't think--

BENJAMIN
You didn't let me finish. I was going to say, I don't know
how things can work out between us. But I can't imagine my
life without you.

MARÍA
Wait. What?

BENJAMIN
I love you because you are a dreamer. I mean not in the
sense of your citizenship status -- but because you are so
maddeningly spontaneous, because your feet never touch the
ground and your head is always in the clouds, because you
believe that life can be magical, because you are worth it.

MARÍA
Does that mean you forgive me?

BENJAMIN
Only if you'll marry me.

MARÍA
Hold up. You -- you still want to marry me?

BENJAMIN
As crazy as it sounds, yes.

The two kiss.

CARMEN, CONCHÍTA, AND DONNIE (O.S.)

Aw!

MARÍA
Let's do it now. Like right now.

BENJAMIN
In you're mother's living room?

MARÍA
Not that. I mean getting married.

BENJAMIN
I don't think we can book the church on such short notice.
 90.

MARÍA
I mean get married here, in my mother's living room, without
the dress, some fancy ceremony, el lazo, cake or 13 gold
coins.

BENJAMIN
Let me check you head.
(places a hand on
her forehead)
You must be feverish.

MARÍA
(puts his hand down)
I'm fine. We can have a big fancy wedding later, but I want
to exchange our vows now.

BENJAMIN
Okay . . .

MARÍA
Do you have the ring?

BENJAMIN
Donnie 's got it.

MARÍA
So can we get married?

BENJAMIN
Why the hell not.

MARÍA
(calling out)
Mom, Conchíta, Donnie!

Carmen, Conchíta, and Donnie

rush out from the kitchen.

CARMEN
We heard everything.

CONCHÍTA
This is such good news!

DONNIE
Not to my ears.

Donnie rubs the ear Conchíta

pinched earlier.

MARÍA
Will you all be a part of our wedding ceremony in the living
room?
 91.

Carmen, Conchíta, and Donnie

ad lib consent.

BENJAMIN
Who will marry us?

CONCHÍTA
I am a licensed minister.

DONNIE
You are?

CONCHÍTA
I've presided over many a gay wedding.

DONNIE
Not what I was expecting, although I can see it in a certain
light.

CARMEN
And I will give the bride away.

DONNIE
And I'll be the best man.

MARÍA
So let's do it -- the wedding -- not the other thing -- at
least, not now.

CONCHÍTA
What about the wedding dress?

MARÍA
I don't need it anymore.

CONCHÍTA
No. No. No. You must wear your mother's wedding dress.

MARÍA
But the reason I wanted to wear the wedding dress in the
first place is a lie.

CONCHÍTA
You must honor your mother's struggle. To live with such a
cabrón, and when he died to buy a wedding dress for the one
he sold and to make up a lie about the whole thing.

BENJAMIN
But we already know that the dress doesn't fit.

CARMEN
Conchíta, let them have their wedding.
 92.

CONCHÍTA
Bring me the dress y some tijeras.

DONNIE
That's scissors right? I've been learning some Spanish --
for Rosie. I'll go grab them.

MARÍA
What are you going to do?

CONCHÍTA
If the woman doesn't fit the dress. Fit the dress to the
woman.

Benjamin hands Conchíta the

dress.

BENJAMIN
Here's the dress.

DONNIE
And here's a pair of scissors.

Donnie hands her a pair of

scissors.

Conchíta cuts the dress.

MARÍA
You're ruining it.

CARMEN
Your cousin knows what she's doing.

Conchíta finishes.

CONCHÍTA
There. Now it will fit.

The dress is cut in a way that

María can fit into it -- whether
with slits down the side or in
some other fashion.

CONCHÍTA
Get the large pins.

Carmen grabs the pins from her

sewing station.

Everyone helps pin María and

the dress together.

Once they are finished . . .

 93.

MARÍA
How do I look?

CARMEN
Como un ángel.

BENJAMIN
Great. We're all set.

DONNIE
Uh-uh. I object.

BENJAMIN
What are you objecting to?

DONNIE
Rosie isn't here. And you know I will get blamed for her
not being at María's wedding.

MARÍA
But we will have an official one later.

CARMEN
You don't know Rosie.

DONNIE
Exactly.

CONCHÍTA
Don't worry. We won't tell her.

DONNIE
Then what happens when Rosie finds out, and you know she
will find out.

CARMEN
That's true. What? She's even nosier than me.

BENJAMIN
We'll tell her that you tried to talk us out of it.

DONNIE
That's not good enough.

CONCHÍTA
Tell her I'll style her hair for year free-of-charge.

DONNIE
That's not gonna work either.

CARMEN
Tell her we'll give her María's wedding planner.
 94.

Carmen lifts up the humongous

wedding planner.

DONNIE
María's wedding planner?

BENJAMIN
You know how Rosie loves weddings.

MARÍA
And when the time comes, she'll have a headstart on planning
hers.

CONCHÍTA
It could be a very romantic gift.

DONNIE
She's always telling me how I'm not serious about being
serious with her.

CARMEN
And a wedding planner es muy serioso.

DONNIE
And she loves María's style.

MARÍA
I can't help it if I have good taste.

DONNIE
Well, what are you all waiting for? Let's get these two
love birds hitched.

Everyone takes places with

María on one side with her
mother. Donnie and Benjamin
on the opposite side and
Conchíta in the middle.

CONCHÍTA
We are gathered here today--

MARÍA
Why don't we skip to the vows.

CONCHÍTA
My, my isn't someone in a hurry.

MARÍA
I am. I've put this off for too long.

CONCHÍTA
Fine. Do you, Benjamin Brandon, take this woman, María Zumeda
García, as your lawfully wedded wife?
 95.

BENJAMIN
I do. And I take you as you are for who you are. No matter
what changes come to your mind or your body I will always
love you.

CONCHÍTA
And do you, María Zumeda García, take this man to have and
to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for
richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death
do us part.

MARÍA
I do. And I love you for the man that you are and the man
you are becoming and the man who has always been there for
me through thick and thin and wedding dresses that don't
fit.

CONCHÍTA
Please place the ring on the woman's finger.

Everyone waits for Benjamin to

put the ring on María's finger.

BENJAMIN
Donnie?

DONNIE
What? Oh, right, the best man has the ring. Now where did
I put it?

Donnie checks all his pockets.

BENJAMIN
It's on your pinkie finger.

DONNIE
Ha-ha. Put it there so I wouldn't forget it.

Donnie takes the ring off his

pinkie and hands it to Benjamin.

Benjamin places it on María's

finger.

CONCHÍTA
By the power vested in me by the Divine and our common human
dignity, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss
the bride.

Husband and wife kiss.

CARMEN
(tears up)
I always cry at weddings.
 96.

DONNIE
(tears up too)
Me too.

CONCHÍTA
Come on. This is a wedding. Let's celebrate!

Everyone gives a shout and

celebrates with drinking and/or
dancing, etc. as the lights go
down.

END OF PLAY

Curtain call