19 EXCELLENT REASONS TO DATE M ATTHEW WEAVER

(a monologue)

by

M atthew Weaver

10024 N. Colfax Road, Apt. 22

Spokane, WA 99218
509-760-8890
WeaverRM atthew@gmail.com
 Cast of Characters

M ATTHEW WEAVER: Ideally, female, 20s-30s, with a beard and goatee. But feel free to
get creative with casting!

Synopsis

M atthew Weaver outlines 19 excellent reasons for dating him.

 A blank stage.

Enter M ATTHEW WEAVER, ideally to be played by a

female performer, 20s to 30s, with GLASSES and a
GOATEE, but feel free to get creative with casting.

M ATTHEW WEAVER is quite nervous but faking it

until he makes it.

M ATTHEW WEAVER
Hello. Hi. Howdy.
The title of this monologue is “Nineteen Excellent Reasons to Date M atthew Weaver,” by
M atthew Weaver. I am M atthew Weaver.
(bows)
Number One: I. Am. Kind. (pause) At least I try to be. I’m like anyone else, I have tired,
grouchy moments. But we live in a world that seems all-too-often to be getting away
from kindness, and so I think it’s important to ... strive to be kind. So, I’m already
reworking my list: Number One: I strive to be kind.
Number Two: I’m cute. (pause) You scoff, but look again. No. Really look. Squint if you
need. See? I feel my cutest on Friday and Saturday mornings, short day at work, the
weekend stretched out before us, full of infinite possibilities for greatness.
Number Three: I’m handsome. Isn’t that the same thing as cute, you may ask. No. No, it
is not. Some people are cute and some people are handsome, and some people are
fortunate enough to be both, and that’s me.
Number Four: I’m modest.
(pause)
Number Five: I am close to my family. M om, Dad and brother. We love each other. We
like each other, too. I am not allowed to write about them, but I find ways to sneak them
in by writing about me.
Number Six: I am loyal to my friends. I often call, chat or text to see how they are doing,
make sure everything is going well. I think it is important to let people know you are
thinking of about them, particularly when you are thinking about them fondly. Especially
when it is fondly.
Number Seven: I am a good kisser.
At least, I suspect I might be.
This will require practice. Lots and lots of practice, which I am also looking forward to.
Number Eight: I am respectful.
Lately, I have begun to wonder if maybe I’m a little too respectful. If this has perhaps led
me to be quiet in instances where I should have spoken up. I recently told a trusted friend
that I try to err on the side of gentlemanly.
 2.

She suggested that I err on the side of communication. I’m working on it. Ergo, this
monologue.
Number Nine: I don’t have a lot of romantic experience. This feels like a weakness, but
I’m turning it into a strength. This means, if we’re dating, the things that might otherwise
seem rote, routine or mundane have come that much harder for me, and so I will
appreciate them, where others might take them for granted. A quick clasp of hands, a
shared devilish grin, the feel of your fingers running through my hair.
(long pause)
Number Ten: I am patient. This is totally a lie.
Number Eleven: I will never lie to you.
Number Twelve: I will support you in the things you want to do. In the things you like.
Caveat: As long as those things are not destructive, to someone else or especially to you.
I will advocate for you, even if the person who most needs convincing is you.
Number Thirteen: I’m loyal. I know I already said that, but that was for my friends. I’m
loyal in other ways, too.
I have friends who, in the past, I would have been interested in dating but who did not
share those feelings. But we are still friends. I would still do any thing for them.
I think this is important. I think maybe you should, too.
Do you really want to know the person you love? Do you really want to see who they
are?
Turn to them. Turn to the person you love and tell them you don’t love them. Or tell
them you love them, but not that way. Tell them you just are not attracted to them, tell
them you’re better as friends from afar. Tell them No.
It’s easy to be kind and loyal, patient and loving when the answer is Yes. When the
answer is the one you really want.
It’s harder when the answer is No.
That’s when you show who you really are.
This is important.
Number Fourteen: I’m looking for someone who is as excited to be with me as I am to be
with them.
Number Fifteen: I’m both awkward and confident in the same breath. This is also
important. Too much of one or the other, and it becomes problematic. But I am just
balanced enough to achieve forward momentum.
Number Sixteen: I see the wonder in small things. I am the son of a man who will collect
rocks because they’re shaped like hearts, and calls us outside to see a particularly lovely
sunset. I am the son of a woman who ought to like Little House on the Prairie but can’t
stand it, and who can make everything OK just by acknowledging that a shitty situation
is kinda shitty. And brother to a man whose wit is so dry he will make chocolate frosting
come out of your nose - which hurts A LOT - and carries moths through the house,
cupped in his hands, ushering them outside. But I’m not supposed to write about them.
 3.

Number Seventeen: I am creative. An artist. A poet. I am a reader and a writer. Which

means no matter how difficult life gets, and it can get damn hard, there is always some
sort of escape. Reality is what we make it. M y words can set the world on fire.
Number Eighteen: I may not be the person you think of when you imagine the person
you spend the rest of your life with.
I think part of that might be because I’ve tried to be gentlemanly to a fault.
I think you are an opportunity not to be missed.
And so am I.
Please, can we not miss each other?
I deserve a fair shot. And so do you.
It will be awkward and scary and sexy and wonderful. We’ll get it wrong sometimes. Both
of us.
There was an article in the Spokane paper a while back, a religious column. It said: If it’s
worth doing, it’s worth doing badly.
I think, if we give each other a fair shot, we’ll be so happy we’ll never look back.
Number Nineteen: I wrote this play.
Not for you. Not for anyone specific, not really. Although, to be quite honest, there are
one or two people, I wouldn’t mind if they hear it somehow and these words find their
way into her heart.
But I wrote it for me. M aybe, so I can start to believe it. M aybe, so I can find, I do
believe it.
I was recently speaking to a favorite, trusted college professor and he said, “You don’t
give yourself enough credit.” All evidence to the contrary.
I’m working on it. I’m figuring stuff out. I’m advocating for myself.
M aybe ... just maybe ...
If I can get enough of these words down on paper and enough performers up on enough
stages saying them, enough will go out into the universe that they will start to FEEL as
true as they ARE.
M y name is M atthew Weaver, and my words can set the world on fire.
Come burn with me.